Messages

I am so sorry for all that you are going through right now Stormwolf    Feeling tired, emotional and overwhelmed in response to your father's suicide seems like a very normal reaction and would challenge anyone's coping skills.

Can you scale back in any way to give yourself some time and space to grieve? And can you see your new T more often while you're going through all of this? 

Self-care in situations like this is crucial for anyone, but for those of us with CPTSD it's particularly important as we often think ourselves last.

Hi FS - I have similar chunks that are either missing or are really foggy.  I managed to function too, but it was all about getting through the day. I never felt like all of me was present.  I think we do disappear in a sense - we go away (dissociate) and/or we keep parts separate so the pain and fear don't overwhelm us. My memories are much clearer now that I am NC/LC with my PD FOO too - really speaks to how much it takes to survive abuse.

As far as getting those memories back, is there anyone that you trust that you can talk with about those missing chunks of time?  I found doing up a chronology of sorts, where I was when and with who helped me to put things in some order and brought back memories.  And pictures might help. Do you have access to any and if so would you be able to look at them?  (I don't like looking at pictures as they trigger me still.)  And on that note, you may want to go slowly with this retrieving memories as it can be triggering.

I hope you are able to fill in the blanks for yourself 

The whole trust thing is problematic I know.  When I read Pete Walker's book the thing that jumped right out at me was that he is so on the side of his patients, and that he wants an authentic and genuine connection with them, a relationship that is healing.  That's what I want for me.  Someone who I feel in my gut will do that for me. 

The T you found sounds like she is able to see what you are doing and willing to talk with you about it so imo that speaks to her professional ability (i.e., I think I would feel more trust in a T who saw that I was dissociating even though it was subtle), and respect for you (i.e., that she did address it with you says to me that she feels you can handle things).

I don't think giving complete trust to anyone right away is a good idea so I'm with you about not giving out a lot of info at least at first.  See how it goes as you say.

Most of us have had experience with this CC and unfortunately it's so individual that in the end you have to make a decision as to what's best for you - to go NC or LC or try and forge a better relationship.

I eventually went NC with most of my FOO and LC with my NPDM but it took a long time to get to that point and some very painful emotion. Talking here will go a long way toward helping you to make the best decision for you so keep on posting and sharing.   

Just a heads-up that work ramps up for me for the next two months so I will mostly just be checking in for PMs re admin problems, etc (and maybe get in a few posts here and there hopefully).

Hey Salsera, it's been a while.  Welcome back 

BSSR - here's a link to a post Bee made about Cortisol and adrenal fatigue you might find helpful/intersting - http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=111.msg756#msg756

Hi Fredricka - SG here too and lots of invalidation, gas lighting, triangulation, all the lovely things PD FOO do including smear campaigns by my covert NPDM.  I just leave them to themselves and the big sticky PD web they are all caught in.  I actually feel sorry they are caught in that web and don't even seem to know it. So be it though, I am free and I love it. 

That sounds a bit like a migraine - have you ever mentioned this to your doc?

It's hard for me to sit with other people's pain without immediately trying to "fix" or "control" the situation.

Me as well. I'm working on just letting people feel what they while letting them know I care - way easier said than done sometimes,  but I'm coming to see it's more respectful of the other person.

Welcome back by the way Spryte, I wondered where you had gone. 

Make no mistake, it's the tsunami of the near future and I for one expect to be riding the wave.

That's exactly what I think too SB.  And when I am having a down day, I think about the fact that we are creating a ripple by coming together, that we are pushing out to professionals and the public so that CPTSD becomes better known and understood. 

And the one idea I love the most of all, is that some young  Kizzie or Southbound somewhere will not go what we went through because we are brave enough to come here and are open after years, decades even of being silent. 

We are the ripple that will become the tsunami 

It also breaks my heart to imagine what it's like to ACTUALLY BE HER. what a horrifying thought.

So true! I would not what to be any of my PD FOO - there's just no authenticity, no real or genuine anything in their lives. The one good thing (for them) is that I don't think they realize it because their disorder protects them from that knowledge. Now it pmo that they sleep well at night while I gnash and thrash, but I'll take the pain if that's what it takes to be real tks very much.

I realized a year or two ago I had this absolute sense of dread that if my parents knew they were broken they would shatter into a million pieces.  My IC was terrified of that because then I would lose what little I did have of them.  And I also realized I felt responsible for keeping that knowledge from them, not knowing then as I do now that they were safe and protected by their PD.

I don't like disorder designation either WG and Kubali. I like to think of CPTSD as an injury although there's enough going on in CPTSD that I don't know if "injury" quite does it justice. Complex Post Traumatic Stress Injury - not bad though and it does give the sense that it can be treated (versus something like a personality disorder which tend to be treatment resistant).

I do know that many  clinicians are referring to it simply as "Complex Trauma" now which I'm not sure about either.  I guess it's like similar to saying "I have diabetes: but it sounds like there's a word missing at the end - I have complex trauma .....  what?  Injury, disorder, syndrome ......?  I suffer from complex trauma is OK, but still not quite right to my ears anyway.

I like Complex Post Traumatic Stress Injury.   

Hi Southland - I am so sorry you had to find out about your father's death online, that should not happen to anyone.  It's not much but  and although we are a cyber community I hope you will feel a little less alone by being here. 

I let my NPDM get away with everything too because the few times I tried to tell anyone I was slapped down and shamed.  It's a very lonely feeling. It took a long time to move on, but I had to and I don't miss my FOO anymore.  Contact with any of them causes me so much pain and I'm done with that. 

I hope the loneliness subsides a little each day Southland 

Great thread Trace!  I'm finding the more I give up fighting against myself, the more recovery I'm able to accomplish.  For instance when first dealing with my ICr I would shout it down, fight against it.  But then I read a very respectful letter Milarepa posted to her ICr and the light went on.  My ICr is part of me. It had grown vicious and far too large, but it's there for a reason as it is in everyone.  A healthy version is meant to remind us when we should be reflecting on our behaviour. 

Anyway, Milarepa thanked her ICr for keeping her safe as a child but now it had to learn how to do so as an adult and she would help with that.  I liked her letter very much because she was acknowledging her ICr as a valuable part of herself, and wanted to work with it. I realized that I couldn't continue to shout my ICr down because it was like shoving my IC down when she was getting out of control. It worked temporarily, but didn't solve anything. So now I'm trying to work with both parts rather than fight against them, to acknowledge they are an important part of me and help them to learn how to do their part in a healthier way.