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Messages - Kizzie

#6376
Hi Again WM - sorry I just realized I didn't explain very well what I mean about working on what and where and when   :doh:

Our sister site Out of the Fog is for people who have someone in their lives (past or present)--sometimes more than one -- who have a personality disorder (PD) .  I don't know if your childhood abuser(s) or H have a PD, but if so OOTF can really help to sort out their behaviour (see it for what it is, how it affects you, how to step back and minimize the effects, etc) while here at OOTS you can focus on you and your CPTSD. 

You can certainly be a member of both boards no problem, I just wanted to mention that OOTF is available.  If you do want to check OOTF out, there's a button at the top of the page that will take you right there.  :hug:

   
#6377
Hi Wild Mater and welcome to OOTS   :wave:   It does sound like you are coming out of the fog and  it's not a bad thing, but it can feel that way at first.  Do you have any thoughts about whether you want to deal with your present abuse or your past? Or perhaps both?  That might be a place to start considering your options.

And do you see a therapist at all? Reaching out here is a great start and getting some therapeutic support is another good step forward in recovery.

Members here are very supportive so you'll likely feel comfortable in no time - keep on posting  :hug:
#6378
Recovery Journals / Re: schrödinger's journal
February 16, 2015, 01:28:34 PM
So sorry to hear about your friend Cat  :hug:
#6379
 :thumbup: and  :hug:
#6380
Hi Gashfield and welcome to OOTS!  :hug:   That feeling you describe of "Run" is the instinctive part of your brain reacting to what it perceives as real danger while the thinking side is shutting down so you can move or freeze or whatever you need to do to deal with the danger.  It's dizzying and downright frightening I know.  When it happens you can end up in a bush as you have or in my case hiding in my closet. 

If you look at the top of the page you'll see a Glossary button - click on that and read about "amgydalla hijackings" and "emotional flashbacks" to get a better idea of what you may be experiencing. In my case it has gotten much better once I knew what was happening and why.  My EF's are not as strong and I can get my thinking part of my brain to work more quickly than I could before so I am able to calm or soothe myself before I get to the point where I'm hiding in the closet. Once you're better able to get that thinking part reactivated (and it takes practice), you are able to see that the danger is not life-threatening, and to understand that it may feel that way because something has triggered memories of childhood trauma. If you think of how a five year old reacts to danger it's that overwhelming fear that rises to the surface.

There are many people here who have experienced what you're dealing with and you will find that they are very welcoming and supportive. We do "get it" so I think you'll be glad you found your way here. Keep on posting ! :yes:
#6381
Glad you came back MourningDove  :hug:   This site is bound to be triggering so don't feel you're alone in that reaction.  The good news is that here you can talk about it and work through it just as you've done.  Yay you!  :applause:
#6382
Hi Freedomatlast and welcome to OOTS   :wave:  Seeing a therapist is probably a good idea if you're not certain about recovering on your own.  I'd suggest you try and find one who is familiar with CPTSD so you can see if that may be what you're dealing with.  You certainly don't need a formal diagnosis to post here though, many of us have not been diagnosed but we just know we're in the right place when we read about the symptoms and what others experience. 

The anger at wasted years and what you endured is normal and valid, we all lose so much by having to cope with trauma as children.  One book a lot of us relate to is Pete Walker's "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" in which he talks about angering and grieving.  If you go to the glossary at the top of this page you'll see a description of "angering" in the "A" section, and he has a web site at http://www.pete-walker.com/.

:hug: to you as you start your journey
#6383
Hi Jimmy and a warm welcome to OOTS  :wave:  That's a lovely remembrance of your mother to use her name for you here. I was struck by the thought when I read that that perhaps it's a way of reclaiming the child you were before things went so badly and you ended up in care. Just a thought FWIW. 

How fortunate you were to have found a T who knows what CPTSD is and to head you in the right direction in terms of treatment years ago. I wish I'd come across it years even decades ago as I felt like I was wandering around in a fog for such a long time.  When I did though what an eye opener and like you I too instantly recognized myself in the symptoms.  Such a relief in one way and very overwhelming in another  :blink:

A 7 out of 10 after a stressful day is great for anyone, and positively super given you have CPTSD.  Maybe you can share some of your techniques with us, we're always interested in things that have worked for others.  Writing does seem to be a popular way of working through the trauma for many members so you're in good company here.

Glad to have you here with us!  :yes:

#6384
General Discussion / Re: Advice about making friends
February 13, 2015, 09:54:13 PM
 :yeahthat:  What Mary said. Good job VA!   :applause:
#6385
Sleep Issues / Re: Nightmares - new realization
February 13, 2015, 09:50:37 PM
Soon she will her it loud and clear and your life will be your own. As Bad Memories would say, "Keep on keeping on!"  :hug: 
#6386
General Discussion / Re: Verbal Vomit Receptacle
February 13, 2015, 09:47:59 PM
Fire up that giant yellow bulldozer inside and move that PD roomie right out of there as soon as you can!  Good luck  :hug: 
#6387
Recovery Journals / Re: Ana's Journey
February 13, 2015, 09:39:55 PM
You go girl!   :cheer:
#6388
We found out over the years that both my H's FOO and mine would brag about our accomplishments to others (nothing to us of course). Now while that may sound like parental pride, it's not really, it was always about making them look good because their children are successful due to their parenting - it's was all about them. 

And that's a whole lot crazy and sad, but explains CPTSD and our need to develop some healthy pride in ourselves. Like you FairySlipper, I will not allow others to make me feel invisible any more, nope, nope and nope.   ;D

And JADE works great doesn't it?!  :hug:
#6389
Recovery Journals / Re: Ana's Journey
February 13, 2015, 09:18:58 PM
Ana, I am so glad to hear that you are having a better day today.  :hug:   

Therapy sounds like it was really rough, but you let yourself be vulnerable and open and that is recovery.   :applause:   It sucks that it feels awful and crappy but for good reason, there are things from our childhood that were incredibly frightening and so very deeply scary that it takes everything we have to look at the trauma and yet you did. 

And your T did not run away or shame you, she was there for you and she will be there for you and I understand how that's really scary too. It means that the things we knew as children (never trust anyone) may not be true as adults and that's like having your world tilt sideways. No wonder you feel like you were run over by a great big truck  :hug:

So maybe now is the time for some rest and take a break and do some quiet things to let all the stress seep away. Are there things you like to do that will help with soothing yourself? 
#6390
Seeming well-meaning and being well-meaning - very different things.  It may be that some N's want to be well-meaning rather than using it as a tactic, but imo I don't think they understand the essence of how to connect with others, to feel and be truly caring and supportive because they have a personality disorder which prevents them from doing so. 

My NPDM worked to appear well-meaning, caring, supportive but it never felt right, it never connected with anything good inside of me, it connected to or ignited feelings of guilt, anger, of being defective or bad. My M was/is a covert N but I realized in reading through this thread that I now describe her behaviour in overt terms tks to OOTF because I came to see what she was doing (and still does) very clearly and there is no question in my mind about her behaviour these days, but it took awhile to get here.

Covert N behaviour is so crazy making because it takes a lot longer to figure out as alot of you have said.   My M also implies (she's never direct unless she is raging) that I am this or not that and before I would react something like "Did something just happen because I really don't feel great right now? Am I being overly sensitive or did she just zing me?" Now it's very clearly a "WHAM!" to my soul, nothing covert about it to me anymore - it's there and big as an elephant even though it appears quite subtle to others. 

I think you are definitely figuring out your M's behaviours and how they contribute to your CPTSD Cat. Trust those feelings you have around her, they're telling you some important things you need to know :hug: