Messages

I've found the same thing as Marcine and you. My trauma is not something I would tell anyone about unless they are  a fellow survivor, a therapist or my H. It's just too much for most people to take in if they themselves are not a survivor.

That said, I do think we can sense over time if a friend can deal with knowing we suffered trauma and what degree of detail we can share.  Sometimes I will tell a person "Yah I didn't have the best childhood" something along those lines, but that's it. You can always say something like that. It opens the door if they have any questions, but if they don't want to know more they at least know you a bit more.

You do have all of us here now and can share what you need/want to 

I don't know about that other forum but I agree with BB and NK, she was/is being abusive because you've asked her to stop (tickling, eating your food) and she won't, and she demeans you. You're both college age so that means she  should be able to regulate her behaviour now. Even if you won't see her much, it's good for you to know you can for sure tell her firmly not to repeat about any behaviour like that, that it bothers you and you will not accept it.   

Talking with a therapist would not be a bad idea. It might be helpful to understand what emotional abuse looks like so you don't trip over it in other relationships in your life. As far too many of us know here, abusers often cloak their behaviour by minimizing it (Don't get so upset, I was only joking), gaslighting (You're just being too sensitive), and a host of other techniques meant to abuse in a covert way.  And until we are able to see the behaviour for what it is, we often get stung by it.

I have looked online about how to stop being uninterested in people before but there isn't a lot of clear advice. Hopefully I can overcome it though.

Perhaps not being interested in others is just your way of finally taking time to discover you? I am actually interested in others now, but if I feel like I am focusing more on them than myself then I pull back and get reacquainted with who I am, what I think/feel/need, etc.

Perhaps you are doing something similar to this? By not being particularly interested in others you get to spend time with you, something you haven't had until now. And it may be that once you've had time with you you will start to be more interested in others, knowing that you now can maintain being your real self and not lose yourself in them.

Hope this makes some sort of sense! 

Matilda, maybe it's time to get some help from a professional given you are having a lot of suicide ideation. When we are deeply depressed everything tends to feel dark, broken, meaningless. Although it may not feel like it there is help out there, there is. As a start, we have a list of organizations here - https://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency. 

You and you child are worth the energy it takes to reach out, please take back your lives and call! 

 

Blue Moon I am the same way, lots of acquaintances but only close to two people. I am quite friendly to everyone (except N's!) but I just don't want the responsibility of friendship. I had a very enmeshing N M who I felt bound to and had put up with her endless need for attention. It was a burden. When I went LC I never felt so free when the weight of her narcissism lifted.

I am fairly content with just knowing people in a friendly manner, somehow when I get close all my training kicks in and I am soon taking care of/focusing on them and their needs. Keeping some distance is how I can be myself.

I say all this because perhaps you have a similar reason for not wanting super close friendships.  And if that's the case you (IMO) it's easier knowing why you don't invite people closer to you. Like Narc Kiddo says, we soon learn in complex relational trauma not to trust others and that's a hard one to shift but you could work on this in therapy if you actually do want people you are closer to. 

In any case you have us now and hopefully you will feel a sense of community and connection here.

Tks for clarifying Armee 

[OSDD:]

We do have some members who believe they suffer from DID and do refer to themselves in the plural here. We need to acknowledge that for some of us, DID is more severe and those members need a safe space to speak openly and honestly about what DID and CPTSD feels like to them, how it impacts their lives, etc. None of us are crazy here, we each had to deal with complex trauma and survived as best we could. So please let's all ensure OOTS is a safe space for all. 

OSDD: OSDD stands for Other Specified Dissociative Disorder. It's a category within the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), which is used by mental health professionals to diagnose conditions. Specifically, OSDD is used to describe a dissociative disorder when the individual's symptoms meet the criteria for a dissociative disorder but do not meet the full criteria for a more specific diagnosis like Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).

DID: "DID" is an abbreviation for Dissociative Identity Disorder, a mental health condition formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. It involves the presence of two or more distinct personality states (identities) that take control of a person's behavior at different times. These identities can have different behaviors, memories, thought patterns, and expressions.

Hi and a warm welcome BlueMoon     This is the place to talk about what you have gone and are going through with your family that's for sure.  We get it and are quite supportive which can really help when you've been a loner (lots of us are) and don't know what it feels like to be heard and understood. 

I think that's perfect Matilda, protecting yourself while at the same time letting your uncle know you care and are thinking of them.

[1. Focus on Facts and Evidence:]

I hate to say it but I think it's going to take legal action to get your child back and keep him away from you both (if that's what you want).  I Googled how to deal with a malignant N in court and here's what I got back:

To navigate a legal battle with a narcissist, focus on presenting objective evidence, maintaining composure, and seeking expert legal counsel. Document everything, including communication and incidents of abuse, and be prepared to explain narcissistic personality disorder to the court. Prioritize the child's best interests in custody cases and avoid being drawn into emotional arguments.

Here's a more detailed breakdown:

1. Focus on Facts and Evidence:
Document everything:
Keep detailed records of all communications, interactions, and incidents, including texts, emails, social media posts, and recordings.
Gather witness accounts:
If possible, have friends, family, or professionals who have witnessed the narcissist's behavior provide statements.
Seek expert evidence:
Consider obtaining a psychological report evaluating the narcissist's mental health, which can help the court understand the patterns of abuse.
Stick to the issues:
Avoid personal attacks or getting drawn into emotional arguments. Focus on the facts and the specific issues at hand (e.g., divorce grounds, financial arrangements, child custody).

2. Understand Narcissistic Personality Disorder:
Educate yourself and your lawyer:
Be prepared to explain to the court what narcissistic personality disorder is, how it manifests in relationships, and how it impacts behaviors.
Recognize narcissistic tactics:
Understand the common tactics narcissists use, such as manipulation, gaslighting, and emotional blackmail.

3. Maintain Composure and Seek Support:
Practice self-care: Dealing with a narcissist can be emotionally draining, so prioritize your well-being.
Lean on your support network: Connect with trusted friends, family, or therapists for emotional support.
Seek professional legal help: Find a lawyer experienced in dealing with narcissistic personalities, who can navigate the legal process and protect your interests.

4. Prioritize the Child's Best Interests (in Custody Cases):
Focus on the child's welfare: Always prioritize what is best for the child in all aspects of the case.
Avoid placing the narcissist's needs above the child's: Narcissists may try to manipulate the court into favoring their own interests, so focus on the child's best interests.

5. Be Prepared for a Prolonged and Contentious Process:
Anticipate challenges:
Narcissists are likely to prolong the legal process, making it difficult to reach a resolution.
Set boundaries:
Be firm in setting boundaries with the narcissist, especially during negotiations or court proceedings.
Allow your lawyer to lead:
Involve your lawyer in all aspects of the negotiation process, especially if the narcissist is likely to push boundaries.

It's a lot I know but it sounds like you are at the point where you're going to have fight for custody and that means you'll need support. You're beaten down and that means you may not have the energy to get through this which is why connecting with agencies (e.g., women's support) and a therapist who will support you will be important. 

If you Google how to beat an N in court there are a lot of links so maybe skim those too and see if anything makes sense as far as your situation goes. There may be law firms near you who will do this work for free.

I told myself that other people had it worse, that I shouldn't be such a wuss, it hadn't been that bad. I felt like a fraud. Until I read a book by Stefanie Foo: what my bones know. And I suddenly realized: that's me!

And that's what you will hear here too unbrokencore, that it was not you, it was what happened to you (quote from a book by Christine Courtois). There's some relief knowing yes we did have it that bad and to see that we all share common symptoms, but it is a hard journey to recovery. What helps is having each other. We're a community and one in which you can connect safely until you're ready to connect IRL. 

Welcome to OOTS 

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Edie! 

It sounds like you have put yourself on a good path to recovery - well done!  I hope being here will help you move forward even more. We certainly understand abuse/neglect so it's safe space to say what you need to

Hi Marcine and a warm welcome to OOTS      I'm glad you found your way here and please know that so many of us feel/felt the way you do - unworthy and lacking connection. I hope being here helps you on your path to recovery, to know you are not alone and that it isn't you, it's what happened to you (from a book by Christine Courtois).

And forced him to be tested by a forensic psychologist. And won.

Awesome, this is what we need to do more of IMO. 

Often when I drive by a schoolyard and the kids are out playing I look for the child who is alone and think why? IMO our teachers need to work with these kids or at least identify them to school psychologists so we (society) look out for kids who need help more. I know many of us tended to step into the background as kids so as not to be seen and that's as much a signal something might be wrong as acting out.   

I think I will just kindly greet my father and brothers, and avoid them by talking to others.

This is what I did at my F's funeral whenever it was possible. I was given this suggestion by someone at our sister site Out of the FOG and it worked quite well.

I'm not quite sure what you mean by not letting your F know you have made a major turn?