considering starting meds again?

[asdis]

After some long back-and-forths with our therapist about not being able to manage our symptoms again, we've agreed to try seeing a psychiatrist for meds again. We can't really sleep or interact much with others, all of our symptoms have been ramping up like crazy. We've been on lots of different meds over the years and the best outcome we've had from them is 0 effect. As in, most of the time meds have either made things worse and/or caused terrible side effects, or at best have done absolutely nothing. We're terrified of trying meds again, but we can't keep going like this. Our therapist helped us find a psychiatrist that seems like a possible good fit (specializes in all our boxes but dissociative disorders), but that doesn't take the fear away. It is very difficult to find a provider that accepts and understands DID, or even trauma in general.

We've been on Prozac, Hydroxyzine, Seroquel, Prazosin, Lamictal, Geodon, Trazodone, Ambien, Klonopin, Zyprexa.. and those are just the ones we can remember. We know we've tried several other SSRIs, mood stabilizers, antipsychotics, and sleep meds. We had been diagnosed with many different combinations of bipolar disorder, bpd, psychotic disorders, and anxiety disorders throughout the years until we were diagnosed with DID and CPTSD (not including ED/autism). The last attempt we made at medication was two years ago while inpatient, as taking meds there was mandatory. We were unable to find a medication we could tolerate. Before the hospitalization, we had been prescribed Abilify but were unable to try it as we couldn't afford it. The psych that prescribed it to us dropped us shortly after. We've tried so many medications, we've sunk so much money into meds and providers that just gave up when meds didn't work out, it feels nearly impossible to go back to to this with any hope. We can only give a partial history (thx parents for losing our files) and we genuinely just don't remember all of the medications we've tried. We don't want to keep living like this, but being newly physically disabled makes the fear of side effects even stronger. Knowing that most medications will make us even more dissociative adds a new layer of fear, fear that our already spotty memory and poor communication skills will deteriorate even more. We remember losing our brain, being lost in dissociation even more often than now, being late constantly, not being able to hold conversations or even remember the pain we're in long enough to tell someone. It's taken the last three years of being mostly unmedicated to undo the deep dissociation that meds had put us in before.

Has anyone else been here? Or similar? If you've gone back to a psychiatrist after a couple years of not seeing one, were you able to find a helpful one? Were you able to find anything that helped? For others with dissociative disorders (especially DID) that are on medications, have you been able to find anything that helped without strengthening dissociation?

[Blueberry]

I've just read your post and my heart goes out to you. It sounds so difficult, I'm sorry

I have either partial DID or OSDD rather than full DID, and I don't have any meds for that. I just take Citalopram as an anti-depressant and L-Thyrox for thyroid underfuntion. I don't have the impression that Citalopram helps when I'm in a really bad way, when I'm in EFs. I think it helps a little bit in general when I'm more hit with depression Being in EFs - I think that's really when I'm more in a Part than in my Adult of Today. I don't find it surprising that there's not a medication for that, tho my psych doesn't seem to understand. Unfortunately, he doesn't know enough about DID and sub-forms of it...

My present psychiatrist is probably the best I can do round here. I have been in far worse, far less competent care. It took me a good while to find a semi-compatible one. I wish it weren't so.

I'm sorry I don't really seem to have anything helpful to say, so just sending support.

[asdis]

I'm sorry I don't really seem to have anything helpful to say, so just sending support.

Your response is helpful 
We're pretty sure there's nothing specific to DID medication-wise. As for psychs, yeah, that's part of what makes us nervous. Semi-compatible is better than nothing though, thank you for reminding us.
We don't remember if we've taken citalopram; have you noticed it making you more dissociative at all?

Sending support to you too :3

[Blueberry]

Thank you for your support asdis.
No, I haven't noticed citalopram making me more dissociative.

[Kizzie]

Meds are so individual Asdis, a bit of crap shoot to be honest. I was on Prozac for a couple of decades and it just helped me to keep my head above water but didn't fend off depression and anxiety all that well. It stopped working a couple of years ago and my GP was unable to help. It took quite a while but I finally got to see a psychiatrist and he helped me find meds that work for me. I don't know about where you live, but psych's here are like gold so very hard to get in to see one.