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Well InTheQuiet, we're all rooting for you here at OOTS, that's for sure        

Well done Droopsnoot, you should be proud of yourself!         

  What NarcKiddo said!   

I would like to use this forum to discuss with people who have experienced similar things so that I can feel less alone.

That's one big reason we're here Black Cat, we all need one another to share our stories safely, talk about ways of recovering and just feel like we belong somewhere since so many of us feel like we don't belong anywhere.

The other reason is trying to find out who we are since many of us don't know because of the Complex Relational Trauma we endured. The abuse or neglect is a direct attack on our inner selves, most often when we are very young that means child us must hide deep inside. We don't really have a chance to discover ourselves because we're so focused externally, on those hurting us that all our energy must be given over to surviving. The majority of us, like you, lost our childhoods and we need to grieve that.

I hope at some point you will comfortable enough to do that here. 

Chaos Rains, I also wanted to say that some people are of the 'never show you're in pain variety' so they may work through treatment but collapse when they go home.  Also, cancer patients may have had less draining amounts and type of treatment.

Be like a cat and never feel guilty or apologize for snoozing   

Chaos, I'm a cancer survivor too and I remember before I had surgery and chemo the professionals treating me said I would be tired.  I wasn't just tired though, I was exhausted!  I couldn't have even managed a walk like you did, it was an absolute slog to just go into my pharmacy to get  meds. And heaven forbid if there were even a slight incline somewhere I had to walk or stairs, my gawd not stairs! Nope not going to happen.

We have pushy inner critics who yell at us constantly but they really are WRONG, WRONG, WRONG! Please take it easy and tell them to pipe down, they make it even harder to recover when you're flooded with guilt and shame.

So, "Nope go away, I need to rest and I don't need you shouting at me!"   

GettingThere, would it be possible to foster a child or children? For the most part those children don't have family and I guess what I'm suggesting is that when you're involved with others in your position it can help to make a family together.  So many of us here are in the same position as you and you're right it can leave a big gap in our hearts and soul. Caring for children who need a family like you do may help you I don't know, it's what came to mind when I read your post.

I echo Narc Kiddo in what she  said.  The fact that you are taking steps out into lands not travelled, that your min-body consider dangerous is a huge step.   It is tiring I know so I'd suggest taking a break now and again just to renew and refresh a bit - IME over time these things do tend to get easier.

Good luck with your move!

Agree with everyone, it no small thing.  So glad for you!

Some of us do have a nose for befriending unhealthier people, I suspect because they seem familiar to us in some way.  They feel comfortable at least at first, as though we know them on some level. I think that likely you being triggered by trying to end a relationship in a more open way is anticipatory; that is you are getting ready for what the blowback will be because our abusers did not let anything like that go and it meant more abuse was coming our way.

The good news is that some people can respond in a healthy way, and it may just be you won't receive a rage response even if that's what your mind-body is expecting. It's difficult trying out new behaviours like this so bravo to you for giving it a go!     

You're on a good recovery path Phoenix! 

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Phoenix!   Great choice of forum name as it really sounds like you are rising from the ashes of bad relationships through some good recovery work!  I hope you find it helpful being here 

I don't think any of us female, male or otherwise want to ever feel weak, oppressed, demeaned, etc because of our gender. WHat I do think is true for us (survivors) is learning that we are or can be strong not only on the outside but perhaps more importantly, on the inside. I know for myself that as I've learned to set and enforce my boundaries, people don't mess with me. They can sense it's not a good idea because I will stand my ground I think.

That's one reason so many of us are here, to learn or relearn that we are or can be strong, capable people who have solid boundaries and a clear sense of right and wrong. Look at all the adversity we have survived - that takes strength even if the strategies we use(d) were not quite how we wanted to protect ourselves.  We did what we had to when we were younger and didn't have much if any power.  Now that we are adults we do have power we can use.

So, I guess my suggestion is - find your power.   

You know Blue Moon you are well within your rights to tell her that as an adult she needs to listen to you and hear how all her physicality bothered you, how helpless you felt by her actions.

Most people around her age want to be considered as adults so if you can connect with that part it may just resonate with her, and if not right away then some point in the future.

The benefit for you is to speak about this issue, let it out and let it be known how badly it made you feel. Even if the other person doesn't give us the response we'd like, we have taken control and stood up for ourselves and that can defuel the feelings/memories somewhat.

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS  That's way too much for anyone to deal with, not to mention a child, youth or young adult.  It's no wonder you have CPTSD and I hope being here helps you reduce all that still haunts you.