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I just wrote about this to some extent in my recovery journal but I thought it would be relevant here as well.  I have my third appt with my new T tomorrow and I am already fretting about doing more IC work.  Not to scare anyone off from doing this really important recovery work, but I just realized that two days after seeing him is when I had an angry EF relating to a present day problem, but which dredged up so many feelings from the past.  I had forgotten that my T had said there might be some fallout (I think because at the time I was holding a teddy bear and feeling a little uncomfortable doing so), and until today just thought it was simply the present day trigger that had taken me back to the past and being at my parents' mercy.  I was left feeling quite uncomfortable that it had happened so quickly and intensely, but today remembering that it had come on soon after my appt gave me a big piece of the puzzle.

I realize it had to do with the IC work we did only two days before the pension situation came up and because my younger self was closer to the surface  - zoom, she reacted swiftly and intensely to what felt like a old situation.  Again, not to scare anyone off as I did learn a lot because of it, especially in feeling those old feelings and from a younger me's point of view. As I mentioned in my other post I can intellectualize until the cows come home, but feelings are scary so I have avoided getting down to any IC work other than seeing to it that she has more fun these days.     

Anyway, this week after therapy I will try to be more aware of the fact that my IC is closer to the surface and if I end up having an EF again, I will try not to dissociate and instead see if I can stay with the feelings, and validate and comfort younger me. And if I do dissociate I will not let my ICr out to poke at me for doing so, but will tell it to pipe down and that I am doing the best that I can. 

So tomorrow I see my T for the third time and it is not without some trepidation because I know we will be doing more IC work and frankly it scares me.  I can intellectualize about IC work until the cows come home, but getting in there and feeling it - GAK!

Anyway, in thinking about tomorrow's appointment I suddenly realized that the big angry EF I had about 10 days ago was two days after my second appt with him.  Why I did not see that it contributed to that EF (and he had warned me that there might be some fallout) I have no idea, but I missed it.  No wonder the EF came on so quickly and strongly and that all I wanted to do was dissociate, my IC was closer to the surface. I knew that the past was layering over the present in that EF (yay, progress!), but was more than a little concerned about why it was so intense (i.e., I don't want to be knocked to my knees like that, so "suddenly" and seemingly without warning).

A little epiphany but an important one and I shall try to be more aware of IC triggers after this next appointment given she's peeking out from behind the wall more.

Update - I am managing to pop in and out of the Board, but did want to reiterate that you are most welcome to PM me any time as I'm not reading all posts all the time these days (so PM's ping me more quickly than something that's buried in a forum).

Thanks BadMemories, I am going to get ahold of our military ombudsman's office and start the ball rolling there.   We had word yesterday from my H's last HQ that they are are trying to get my H's file expedited at the CF Pension office so fingers crossed it will not drag on for another 2 months as they originally told us.

Love those hugs!  Backatcha   

If you constantly read story after story where people wind up with similar symptoms after being traumatized in a certain way, then it's getting reaaaally hard to see this as a character fault. It's simply an injury. So when my inner critic pipes up with its constant song of "you're being weak", I point at OOTS and go: "hah, what about that? They aren't weak, so I'm not either."

                  

"There is legal precedent here, in my country, where unfair distribution of assets between *siblings* has been overturned by the court and this woman is not even a member of my family except by marriage of her mother."

Sunkitten - you mean that a previously set precedent has been overturned rather than upheld correct? Hard to believe if that's the case!

This is a long shot idea here but you just never know.  What about seeing if there are any watchdog style journalists in you area that might be interested in investigating your case?  I just saw one on TV last night that brought a lot of attention to bear on a guy's experience of having his girlfriend steal his credit card and rack up tons of charges, and even though she "confessed" (and got 20 hrs of community service and had to write a letter of apology to him), the credit card company was still making him repay the charges.  Since the reporter got into it though they company is "reevaluating things" a little bad press can go a long way it seems.   

It may be that in your case being disabled and not having the resources to fight this case in which an an in-law (out law) is trying to take advantage of you may capture a journalist's attention.  Long shot I know, but if it worked it might be a way of getting some quick action without forking over a bundle of money.

Hi Ghost - there are T's who do know about CPTSD specifically although fewer than is needed, but many have some training and experience in trauma so it's not a big leap for them to understand and treat CPTSD.  My T is like this and I've provided him with links to Walkers site and a few others.

Celexa - hmmmm, I was prescribed thru a psychiatrist I saw when I was having the panic attacks and am now monitored by my GP so unless your T is a psychiatrist, I guess you'll have to go to your GP.  It helped me because my Social anxiety disorder was out of control early on this year as I think I mentioned and the psychiatrist I saw had had a lot of success with Celexa in this respect. 

Hope this helps and that you can find some relief thru therapy and a med that helps!

A meditation retreat sounds lovely Zenfox, whereabouts if you don't mind me asking?

We will be staying home for Christmas, but my son is coming home from university so we're really excited about that as we live on the opposite coast and don't get to see much of him at all. And this year my NPDM is spending XMas with my NPDB so it's just us and we couldn't be happier - no pressure, no having to manage all her PD behaviours (they really ramp up at XMas or any holiday for that matter), just our little FOC enjoying the holidays together. 

"It's funny. I have this steady, strong, competent persona - but that's just how people are in my house. I learned this like a language. It's an advantage sometimes, but I have such a hard time showing myself weak. It's like, if I do that, people will walk away."

Your post really resonated with me Cat, especially the notion of not wanting anyone to see me as weak.  It started me thinking about how we define what being "weak" is. In my case it is a lack of control which makes me feel very vulnerable to abuse, rejection, ridicule, and of being made to feel small.  In your case it seeems to be about about asking for help, of needing something from others -- is that about right? 

I guess my point in this noodling kind of post is that we both have gotten tangled up in others' versions of what is weak, internalized them as you suggest and now it is time to find out what it is we think and feel, you're so right about that.  When we sense someone is struggling do we attack, reject, ridicule, walk away? No.  So I guess the thing to work on as your post so nicely highlights is that we really do need to "treat ourselves as we would treat others." Simple, yet elegant and powerful.

Tks for sharing your thoughts about your recovery Cat (and by the way, we will not walk away from you). 

   

Tks everyone for your suggestions and support     BeHealthy, we do have provincial medical coverage here, it's our extended coverage that isn't rolling yet so we have to pay for medications, certain services (psychologist or psychiatrist, physiotherapy, dental) and then submit a claim for reimbursement when the plan kicks in.  So we will get a percentage back but it can be a lot out of pocket.  Fortunately we have had the resources but after five months we're having to tap into some we don't want to and more to the point shouldn't have to.  We do have someone at my H's last HQ advocating for us now so hopefully that will expedite the slowing moving machine that is the CF pension office. I am seeing a T at our local community health centre so that is covered and tk goodness for that, private ones are really expensive.

It really did feel like a betrayal, but I've used the "lift and separate" or Playtex bra technique and separated out what belongs in the past and the present so it is not sending me into an EF at least, I just have some annoyance and consternation which is understandable and a "normal" reaction imo. 

I must admit I really hate being EF'd like that (hah, using EF as a verb now lol). I did not see it coming and it flattened me so it makes getting on with some IC work so I am aware of my triggers all that much more important.

Onward!

Right now I feel like that character in the Sopranos tv show, the one that uttered, "Just when you think you got out, they pull you back in..." (sorry, I can't remember the whole of the character's speech, so am paraphrasing it).

I use this same line all the time SunKitten and for good reason -- folks with a PD, well narcissists anyway, will continue to try and engulf, hoover, torture, make you crazy as long as you let them which is why I am LC with my NPDM and NC with the rest of my PD FOO.

So sorry to hear you are going through this     Can you just block them and be done with them entirely?  And in the case of the trespassing/money concerns - are you able to afford your own attorney?  If so, let the lawyers do the talking when/if the time comes. 

Your first priority in all of this is to take care of YOU!

Great to have you back on the Board Pam, it's been a while and we've missed you. How have you been doing?

I do remember all your amazing IC work (although I thought you had younger you use a crayon versus the opposite hand), and hope that you will share here what techniques you have used.

As for me, you're right I was not ready to do much of the painful IC work until I found a T as I did not feel at all confident wading in there on my own.  Just....Plain....Scared. As you probably remember too, my "work around" until I did find a T was to spend some time trying to invite her to come out and have more fun in the hopes that when a T and I finally did get down to it she (I) would not be so scared.  (E.g., joined an African drumming class just and she does have a hoot at it)

For me that seems to have been a good strategy as he was able to connect with her twice already. So I'm quite certain he will be 'inviting' me to do a lot of IC work now. I don't like re-feeling all those old feelings, but they're in there and are the seat of my pain so onward I guess.  I will be posting here and/or in my Recovery Journal as I go along.

How is your IC work going?

[If you are in crisis, you need to reach out to your physician, a suicide hot line or go to the Emergency Department of your local hospital.]

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[If you are in crisis, you need to reach out to your physician, a suicide hot line or go to the Emergency Department of your local hospital.]

Many of our members are depressed at one time or another.  However, we are not professionals and, therefore, are not equipped to counsel anyone in the throes of a suicidal or threatening depression. Suicidal and threatening posts and personal messages are not allowed and will be removed from the boards immediately, and the poster will be encouraged to seek professional assistance in his or her "real life" community. If you are in crisis, you need to reach out to your physician, a suicide hot line or go to the Emergency Department of your local hospital.

One exception to this rule is describing suicidal or self harm thoughts which have happened in the past:

What's OK to post:

• Descriptions of self harm or suicidal ideation from the past, (e.g. "he said he was going to kill himself" or "I just wanted to end it all")
• Non-gratuitous descriptions of threats or acts of violence which have occurred in the past

What's not OK to post (post will be removed and the member encouraged to seek professional help):

• Describing a self-harm or suicidal ideation in the present or future (e.g. "I think he is going to kill himself" or "I just want to end it all")
• Posts (including humor) describing an ideation or fantasy of violence towards others
• Discussing or advocating any type of revenge, or ways to harass, hurt, sabotage or get even with petrator(s) of your abuse/neglect or whom you feel may have hurt you.

Any member who reads a post or receives a personal message containing an ideation or threat of violence or self-harm should report the PM or post using the "Report To Moderator" link provided.

Suicide  Resources:

"Befrienders Worldwide" provides emotional support worldwide to prevent suicide - http://www.befrienders.org/

"The International Association for Suicide Prevention" (IASP)  provides information about where to find help around the world http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

"Hot Peach" contains an extensive international inventory of hotlines, shelters, refuges, crisis centers and women's organizations, searchable by country, and domestic violence resources in over 70 languages - http://www.hotpeachpages.net

Self-Injury Resources

"Cutting and Self-Harm: Self-Injury Help, Support and Treatment" - http://www.aaets.org/article206.htm

"Safe Haven" - https://gabrielle.self-injury.net/  This is an online community with an extensive FAQ section about self-injury and a detailed series of pages about recovery from self-injury. There is also a large list of resources for self-injurers.

[If you are in crisis, you need to reach out to your physician, a suicide hot line or go to the Emergency Department of your local hospital.]

Many of our members are depressed at one time or another.  However, we are not professionals and, therefore, are not equipped to counsel anyone in the throes of a suicidal or threatening depression. Suicidal and threatening posts and personal messages are not allowed and will be removed from the boards immediately, and the poster will be encouraged to seek professional assistance in his or her "real life" community. If you are in crisis, you need to reach out to your physician, a suicide hot line or go to the Emergency Department of your local hospital.

One exception to this rule is describing suicidal or self harm thoughts which have happened in the past:

What's OK to post:

• Descriptions of self harm or suicidal ideation from the past, (e.g. "he said he was going to kill himself" or "I just wanted to end it all")
• Non-gratuitous descriptions of threats or acts of violence which have occurred in the past

What's not OK to post (post will be removed and the member encouraged to seek professional help):

• Describing a self-harm or suicidal ideation in the present or future (e.g. "I think he is going to kill himself" or "I just want to end it all")
• Posts (including humor) describing an ideation or fantasy of violence towards others
• Discussing or advocating any type of revenge, or ways to harass, hurt, sabotage or get even with petrator(s) of your abuse/neglect or whom you feel may have hurt you.

Any member who reads a post or receives a personal message containing an ideation or threat of violence or self-harm should report the PM or post using the "Report To Moderator" link provided.

Suicide  Resources:

"Befrienders Worldwide" provides emotional support worldwide to prevent suicide - http://www.befrienders.org/

"The International Association for Suicide Prevention" (IASP)  provides information about where to find help around the world http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

"Hot Peach" contains an extensive international inventory of hotlines, shelters, refuges, crisis centers and women's organizations, searchable by country, and domestic violence resources in over 70 languages - http://www.hotpeachpages.net

Self-Injury Resources

"Cutting and Self-Harm: Self-Injury Help, Support and Treatment" - http://www.aaets.org/article206.htm

"Safe Haven" - https://gabrielle.self-injury.net/  This is an online community with an extensive FAQ section about self-injury and a detailed series of pages about recovery from self-injury. There is also a large list of resources for self-injurers.