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Messages - Kizzie

#6361
Hi C - I think we're really sensitized (not overly sensitive as some people would have us believe!) to people who are abusive. It's like a raw nerve when we encounter PD people and so we do react strongly.  My H though knows a PD person when he encounters one, but he just disengages and doesn't lose any sleep about it whereas I gnash my teeth a lot or used to anyway. Now I just try and get the heck away from them before they trigger me, and when I have to be around them I use all the OOTF strategies.

So it may be that your coworkers don't feel as stressed as you do, but they probably do feel annoyed or like they don't want to be around her.

I hope things went well today :hug:
#6362
Hey C - sorry to hear about your coworker, I understand how stressful that is.  FWIW if you understand that she is likely NPD and triggers you, I wouldn't make things worse for yourself by recording her behaviour just now because you want to make sure she's not doing this with others.  You first!  :yes: 

I don't know if you are or were at OOTF our sister site but there's a few techniques such as Medium Chill (http://outofthefog.net/CommonNonBehaviors/MediumChill.html) that help keep things on as even a keel as possible when dealing with PD people.  I find that I have to disengage and/or distance myself as much as possible with all NPDs because they trigger me (and I'm quite happy to avoid them as much as possible  :thumbup:). 

So if you can do so maybe try that as much as you can while still doing your job. If at some point your EFs subside around her and if you're up to it, you can record her behaviour and let the company know. 

Good luck  :hug:
#6363
Hi Punkinmom and a very warm welcome to OOTS and a huge  :hug:   for all that you have gone through and are still dealing with.    You will find a lot of support here for sure, members have all been through a lot, far more than we should have unfortunately.

Although I'm not a therapist it does sound like you are dealing with CPTSD.  It's somewhat new in therapy circles so oftentimes we are diagnosed with part of what we are dealing with (PTSD which many of us deal with in addition to CPTSD), or misdiagnosed altogether.  It might be an idea to see if you can find a therapist who is familiar with CPTSD.  Are you close to a city by chance? 

All of what you are feeling are normal reactions to abnormal, traumatic situations that those of us with CPTSD tend to get stuck in and have to learn to calm or soothe ourselves, to see when danger/threat is real and when it's not, and to dial down those feelings and thoughts to a manageable and healthy level. We're on high alert most of the time because that kept us safe and going through some very bad times, but we aren't built to sustain that physically, emotionally, cognitively or spiritually so at some point we feel like we've just run out of steam as you have. Like you we feel so very depleted and exhausted and for good reason. It is too much, that's what we're telling ourselves when we reach the point you have.

You are saying "Enough is enough" and looking to recover and feel better. Posting here is a BIG step so  :applause:  to you for reaching out. We understand where you've been, where you're at and where you want to go so you'll have great support and encouragement in your recovery.  :hug:
 
#6364
Last year I struggled with the impostor syndrome big time in my own career, lost confidence and ended up taking a leave of absence.  What I learned about myself in that time off through therapy, at OOTF and then OOTS and a change in medication that helped quiet my ICr a lot, was that I am very perfectionistic (surprize!), and I invalidate the skills and knowledge I do have when they are not 100% plus.  My perfectionism is fear driven, a relic from the past, a survival strategy for being attacked and made to feel small, humiliated, ashamed of myself as a child when I "slipped up" in one way or another. Fast forward to adulthood "If I don't make any mistakes I will never have to feel those feelings again.  Oh I'm feeling afraid, I must hide that, fake it to get through."

So as in your example Gash, when I give a presentation and inside my IC is having a really difficult time in the background with the danger of being exposed and slammed, I take that as a sign that I am just getting through the task by faking it (because I am not 100% confident, I am fearful, etc), rather than looking at it as part of me has trouble and lacks confidence (my IC), while adult me really does have skills that are solid.  It's only part of me that is faking it, hiding, but not it's not all of me - a bit of a revelation but it puts a slightly different slant on things that helps.   

When I went back to work in the fall last year I was really anxious, but I tried to focus on the authentic parts of me, the professional who really does know her stuff and on trying to soothe my IC and tell her it was OK if she was afraid, that I had this.  It helped a lot although I still have to fight the feeling that someone is going to swoop out of the sky and zing me for being less than 100%. My IC is very afraid of that but I keep plugging away at helping her to understand that no-one is ever 100%, it's just not realistic and that the reason she is so afraid is that my FOO used little mistakes to take out their anger and fear on me.  If any adult does that to me I can and will stand up for her (myself). 

Anyway, I hope I haven't muddied the waters here, but I faked it for so long I didn't realize there actually are very authentic parts of me and that if I can deal with the fear and process the trauma I will be able to be (and more importantly feel) more authentic, more whole and less stuffing down this poor frightened, traumatized IC and hiding her from everyone so that I constantly feel like I am faking it.   

I must say that coming here has helped her to pop her head out more often.  Oh look there she is now!  :wave:   
#6365
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New here
February 22, 2015, 07:10:12 PM
Hi Batsville and a warm welcome to OOTS.  That was so much to go through with your son and for so long it's understandable that you developed CPTSD.  :hug:  I'm glad to hear he's doing well, but sorry to hear you're not.  It sounds like you may be in collapse mode (not a therapist, this is just what came to me as I was reading your post). Stuffing down how you felt when your son was going through everything and not dealing with it all yourself, just hanging in there, surviving and getting the job done (caring for your son) through his trauma and not dealing with what it was doing to you because you couldn't at the time.

Now that he's doing better, you have the time and space to feel your feelings and they are tough because there are likely layers of trauma that have to be worked through after five years.  I get the sense that you are shutting you down because that's what you need to do now, to push away from so much stress and trauma.  Self-soothing and self-care are big in recovery from CPTSD  - not isolating or dissociating, but healthy time out and doing positive things to help you bring your stress and anxiety down.

And perhaps that's  why you're cutting off your friends from the forum?  It has to be really triggering to talk with them as inevitably you must end up talking about the issues that brought you all there in the first place so maybe some distance is what's needed?  If you are comfortable doing so maybe you can tell them what you're going through, let them know you want to stay friends and that you will be back in touch once you get further along in your own recovery.  If anyone can understand it should be people who have struggled alongside you.

As for your ICr, it might help when it starts to scream at you to shush it and tell it that the fact you helped your son recover through five traumatic years is proof of your strength and courage.  It has taken a huge toll but you stayed the course and helped him despite the cost to you.  "So pipe down ICr and give me a break, I have done really well! I have some more to go and I need you to understand that yelling at me will not help so try to be helpful rather than punitive."  Talk back to it, yell at if if you have to - the last thing you need more of is anything negative. 

Well it seems I have blathered on this Sunday morning but I do hope some of this makes sense and helps in some way.  You didn't mention if you are in therapy or not; that might be something to consider if not. 

Again welcome to OOTS, we're glad you found your way to us :hug:
#6366
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: New guy
February 21, 2015, 05:27:06 AM
Welcome Stillwaters, glad you found your way to us  :hug:  I look foward to hearing more about you  :yes:
#6367
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: Hi
February 21, 2015, 05:24:10 AM
Hi Julie and a very warm welcome to OOTS  :wave: I am so sorry to hear of all that you have endured and the legacy of your family and exH.  It's great that you are in therapy with a T who is trained to deal with trauma and that you have an accurate diagnosis.  I don't know if being here and sharing your experiences with people who truly understand from the inside out will help, but generally members do find some relief in the support and encouragement they find here.  I hope the same is true for you  :hug:
#6368
C FWIW maybe it's a bit more than simply drifting apart you need to get unstuck.  That is, this time it is/was a respectful breakup but you are missing the experience of saying goodbye and ending things in a healthy manner face to face. You are in recovery and at some level you likely know you haven't been abandoned as you were by your FOO and exH in this case, so perhaps you need to let yourself have/feel that healthier ending of an important relationship. It may help your ICr to know you had a better relationship ("Take that ICr - ha!"), you ended it well and you will most assuredly be building another healthy relationship because you are done with people like your FOO and exH!

Just shooting in the dark here but that's where I went when I read your posts.     :hug:
#6369
Checking Out / Re: BeHea1thy's Kinship Caregiver Break
February 19, 2015, 06:20:53 PM
Glad you're back BeHealthy  :hug:  I take it your S's home care is in place at long last?   

How wonderful that you took the time to have a massage today - great self-care once again  :applause:   Perhaps the tears mean you're ready to deal with the pain and loss from the surgeries more openly than you have?  I've had that happen too - wellling tears at unexpected times and would immediately push it down before I knew what it was really about I think because I was afraid if I let the tears flow the sadness would overwhelm me.

I hope it does feel better to bring that pain out into the open and that you are able to process it - makes more room for the good things in life  :hug:   
#6370
Oh CVictor, I so relate to how you are feeling  :hug:  You have a LOT on your plate and it's overwhelming. I really hear you when you say  that while you don't want to die you don't want to live either because of the pain and anxiety, it's that you want to end.  I was in the same spot about this same time last year, had gotten into drinking quite heavily to numb myself and hiding in my closet (I really was). I was having big panic attacks/EFs and had to take a leave of absence from work.  I did not want to die, but I did not want to live with all those awful feelings either. 

In the end I reached out to my GP who fortunately knew about CPTSD and she referred me to a pdoc. I also saw an addictions counsellor and I think it was the first time I was completely honest with all of them about what was going on. I had to be, I was withdrawing from alcohol and didn't have the wherewithall to be anything but raw and honest.  And I was truly scared about what was going on and being in so much pain.  My skill at deflecting deserted me, the facade came down.  I hope you can take heart from the fact that a year later I am here at OOTS, my panic attacks have subsided and I am back to work. 

Rather than opening the floodgates, try thinking baby steps, a little at a time if you can.  If you take the pressure off yourself to get through recovery quickly that will help a lot.  And congratulate yourself that you have reached out -  :applause:   You found yourself a place where you can be safe, where everyone will understand what you are saying and feeling.  You also ended a long term relationship that was abusive. You did it and that is a huge step so if you can, try and give yourself credit.  Focus on the fact that you are taking back your life and that takes courage and strength even though it may not feel that way right now.  You have some friends you can count on in your life and now you have some cyber friends too.   

I think you are doing an amazing job of reclaiming your life and are beginning to make it into what you want it to be.  I'm so glad you found your way to us and don't have to go it alone so much any more. :hug:
#6371
This study is a bit depressing but it definitely confirms the effects of childhood trauma on health. The "Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study" - http://www.cdc.gov/violenceprevention/acestudy/index.html
#6372
Thanks for these Anos  :hug:
#6373
"I am alone, because no one else can emotionally/cognitively handle my reality." 

Thanks for sharing more about yourself and all that you have endured and continue to struggle with.  You are not alone any longer. We do really get it and we can handle what you have to say because we have lived it and live it now.  You don't have to hide your pain here and you don't have to act like nothing is wrong because we know the energy and resources it takes to pretend, to hide, to deny, and we understand how much we need that energy to recover instead.

It's wonderful that you do have some close childhood friendships, it's so common for us to struggle with lasting, close relationships so that's really positive that you managed to maintain them.  :thumbup:   The support here is warm and welcoming and you can count on it as well  :yes:   And you have the support group at the women's shelter so you are not alone with all of this now  :hug:

I should mention I also went to many therapists over the years and not one came up with CPTSD or even PTSD until a few years ago when I had read about it, asked a new T I was seeing what she though, and she confirmed it (although I knew without a doubt CPTSD was the right diagnosis the minute I read about it). One book that many of us find helpful is Pete Walker's "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving."  His site is here if you want to see what his writing is like as there are quite a few articles for download- http://www.pete-walker.com/.  He has CPTSD and is a therapist so he sees things from the inside out and the outside in so to speak. 







#6374
Recovery Journals / Re: Jimmy's Journal
February 17, 2015, 08:32:14 PM
It's wonderful when you realize that things are indeed getting better I so agree Jimmy.  It wasn't all that long ago I thought I would have to live with these weird feelings and symptoms forever and now, like you, I am managing them better with each passing month.

I can very much relate to that feeling of not wanting to open emails or answer the phone, of feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope and then having to hide it from ohers. It's hard to slow down and be mindful and in the present when all your alarm systems are clanging away, but that is what has really helped me. I try not to run (or hide, dissociate), see how past trauma has seeped into the present, separate the two and deal with the present.  I find that brings the danger or threat level down and that I am able to think more clearly and in turn to dial down the feelings. Of course sometimes that's harder than other times, but even that I am more accepting of especially as you suggest when I look back at the bad days then and now - much better! 

Anyway, just wanted to say it's good to hear about your progress   :applause:   and    :hug:   

#6375
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: struggling
February 17, 2015, 07:47:26 PM
Hi  Chira  : :wave: You definitely belong here - all abuse is soul damaging and it's why we relate so well to one another.  There may be differences in the type and amount of abuse we experienced but if it was ongoing and we felt we could not escape, we end up here with the same core wound,  an injured psyche and little sense of self and safety in the world.

I am so sorry you shot back into that black hole of self-hatred  :hug:  My NPDM could send me to the depths of * in a flash, the worst EF's I felt like I'd never come out of because that's how traumatizing our abusers were to us as children and how we react to them still.  There is a little kid hiding in the dark in us that they can still get to until we let her out to cry and be angry and finally to heal just as you instinctively know you need to    :applause:

And here you can!  We all get it, none of us will ever say you are being weak or childish because you're not and we know that with every fibre of our beings.  My M came for a visit last June and for the first time ever I did not have an EF because of the recovery work I did at Out of the Fog, in therapy and on my own - so there is a light at the end of the tunnel  :yes: 

As for the money - mine also tried to use it as a reason for me to submit to her PD behav, but like Trees suggests I say take it and run if you can do that, use it to spite him (use it for therapy; get yourself something wonderful just for you because you can give yourself love and care even though he cannot or will not.)  If you can't take it without feeling guilty though, you might want to avoid doing so until you can. It's saying "No!" to being manipulated.     

Anyway, welcome to OOTS and feel free to post away, you're in very good company here  :hug: