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Messages - Kizzie

#6331
General Discussion / Re: Avoidance
August 12, 2015, 04:35:04 PM
Hi Anne - FWIW I think it's wonderful that you are honouring your feelings about not wanting to endure a trip because of guilt   :thumbup: It sounds like you are putting yourself first and that looks like great self-care and recovery to me  :yes:
#6332
I have been finding the days a bit long and I just realized it's because I can't float away into my cocoon as much as I used to (which tells me how often I was gone throughout most of my life - yikes).  It's like I don't quite know what to do yet with longer periods of being present - takes some getting used to I guess.  :blink: 
#6333
Successes, Progress? / Re: Forgiveness
August 09, 2015, 02:21:12 PM
Kayfly, I don't think acceptance or forgiveness or whatever we choose to call it can be forced, there is just too much wrong that simply can't be righted. Allowing ourselves to anger and grieve about that, to howl at the sky in pain seems to be what we need to do if Pete Walker is anything to go by.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, for me that subsided and made room for other things, better things.

FWIW, I don't think you are at the beginning of healing, you sound like you are well into it.  For many of us, getting to that raw pain can take a long time because we are so adept at distancing ourselves from it, dissociating, etc.   You're not doing that so hold onto that thought, you are letting all that trauma begin to surface and that's a huge step forward (and boy do you deserve a back rub  :hug:)
#6334
Successes, Progress? / Re: Forgiveness
August 07, 2015, 11:30:32 PM
Kayfly, thanks for the link, I really enjoyed it.  So true when he suggests that "hurt people hurt people" and once you realize that, acceptance seems to settle in which does make space I agree WoodsGnome, room in our souls.  I would not have even considered this two or three years ago and yet it has happened without my even looking for it. 

There is much to grieve Kayfly and it is incredibly hard, harder than almost anything to let go of the wish that our parents would be who we deserve them to be.  Eventually the tears slow and you do come out the other side.  Until then  :hug:   
#6335
General Discussion / Re: Telling others about C-PTSD
August 07, 2015, 11:05:53 PM
I told a cousin who revealed to me that her F had molested her as a child, thinking I would be safe and well received.  Not so much!  She loves my covert NPDM and since telling her I have not heard much if anything from her although I know my M has. She is one of my M's "good" or honorary daughters (my M has several), so I guess she does not want to give up her place in the Flying Monkey cadre.  Blah  :pissed:   

I suspect we're one of the remaining few populations that are still pretty much in the closet so to speak.  Maybe we need a celebrity poster child. I've been watching "I am Cait" which is about Bruce Jenner transitioning from male to female, and the power of a well known person going through something big like that to raise awareness is tremendous.   
#6336
Bee writes:

I have forgotten entire family vacations(even that I have been to certain places).

Years ago I tried making a timeline as Kizzie suggested. It was even harder than I thought it would be, and I didn't like seeing evidence of how much I don't remember. When I don't try to pin down memories I can pretend that I remember more than I do.

It's hard to know what is normal though. How much does someone remember who doesn't have cPTSD?


I too am embarrassed when I forget big things like entire vacations until I am reminded and bit by bit I can reconstruct the memory. It's hazy though, like I was living in a fog and I guess I was.  Part of me at least was submerged, cocooned and I hate the thought that I have missed so much. My H on the other hand can remember the smallest details even what he was wearing on a certain day when he was a kid, all the details from any event, any year.  It's like I can't even remember decades clearly so we (those of us with CPTSD) are quite adept at dissociating I would say. 

Lately I've been remembering more I think because I have more access to more parts of me that I kept separate before, like I am beginning to integrate as I recover.  I am also dreaming quite a bit about people from my past, people I haven't thought of in a long time.  It doesn't seem as emotional as it would have before. In the past a memory of anything from the past, even something non consequential would cause this big amalgam of fear and shame and I would suppress it. I guess I'm able to look more realistically now, whereas for a long time I was still seeing things through my IC's eyes I suspect, that's what it feels like anyway.

#6337
Therapy / Re: Searchable Databases for Therapists
August 07, 2015, 08:17:24 PM
Hi SadieMist - thanks for the link! 

I just wanted to note that this DB is for T's who use EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing).  You need to ensure that the T has specialized training in Complex PTSD as most have training in treating PTSD which is somewhat different. (That said, many of us have both PTSD and CPTSD, so if that's the case just ensure your T can treat both in an appropriate manner using EMDR). 
#6338
Hi NyxBean:  Sorry I'm not from Scotland, but can offer some info regarding therapy in general.  if you have a look at Pete Walker's site you'll see that he recommends relational therapy (this is in addition to CBT which he talks about in his book).  See http://www.pete-walker.com/pdf/relationalHealingComplexPTSD.pdf
#6339
General Discussion / Re: Dissociation in Therapy
August 06, 2015, 10:37:01 PM
I do have a book (sorry, educational again but that is my field  ;D) I can recommend although I'm not all that far into it myself - so far so good though.  It's called "Coping with Trauma-related Dissociation by Boon, Steele & Vander Hart (2011).  Lots of skill exercises and strategies in this one (400 pages) and it's evidence based.
#6340
General Discussion / Re: Dissociation in Therapy
August 06, 2015, 10:03:16 PM
I'm no psychologist Trace but FWIW my understanding of dissociation, at least that which is fairly mild or moderate, is that although we may numb/distance part of our emotional selves our executive/manager self keeps working so that we are able to drive, cook, work, etc (although we may be somewhat foggy to greater or lesser degrees about having done these things).  Not ideal granted, but I doubt we are in great danger to ourselves or others (when dissociation is mild to moderate as it seems yours is), and that if some situation arose where our full attention was needed, we would be able to "snap back into ourselves."   
#6341
Books & Articles / Re: A book that helped me.
August 06, 2015, 09:51:46 PM
Thanks for this KayFly!
#6342
I'm glad it helped Butterfly, it really is sad for all of us involved    :hug:     I think it's the reason I came to feel some compassion (which is not the same thing as forgiveness), for my NPDM, knowing that her trauma and fear were bad enough to break something inside of her.  I think the inability to self-reflect is a shield of sorts against unbearable pain and fear, and unfortunately for those of us in their path externalizing it is the only way NPDs know how to survive psychologically.

Since writing the previous post, I have done some additional reading and there is newer clinical evidence that BPD is more treatable than previously thought while NPD is still considered quite treatment resistant (and I'm not in the field, this is just based on what I've read recently).  For me this suggests something like I've outlined below; that BPD is not as far along a continuum of mental health disorders, but is past CPTSD  and before NPD:

CPTSressD----------------------Borderline PersD---------------------------Narcissistic PersD

CPTSD - self-reflection is intact or mildly impaired; treatable stress disorder; feelings turned inward
BPD -  self-reflection is moderately impaired; treatable mild-moderate personality disorder; feelings turned inward and/or outward
NPD - self-reflection is lost; moderate to extreme personality disorder which is treatment resistant; feelings turned outward

I don't know your situation Butterfly, but FWIW it sounds like your M may be past BPD and into a more pronounced PD if she reacts as she does (i.e., from a pleasant conversation about flowers into a hurling abuse at you).

Something which occurred to me as I was reading your post (and tks for this insight  :hug:) was that if my M could not fix herself, how on earth was I as a small child and even as an adult going to do so? The most I could ever do was shore up her sagging ego and that got much too heavy and I lost more and more of myself in the process, so much so that I simply had to make a choice, her or me.  I chose me.
#6343
You're welcome Trace and yes it was a very stressful time for the Team and I and frankly I hope we don't ever have to go through that again    :sadno:

I think I know what you're saying about answers versus support.  I agree it was good to have members who were able to express things in ways that were easier to understand/relate to. Hopefully we'll get that going again here  :yes: 
#6344
It's a collaborative effort by members Lifecrafting but thank you for your acknowledgement  :hug:  Please feel free to add your own resources if/when you come across them.  :yes:

Trace - We have lost some members and part of that may be due to problems with two members who were eventually banned about two months ago over problems which started in Feb. It's possible that a number of older members left because of that incident although I can't say for certain. Unfortunately it's the nature of online forums that issues/problems will arise and hard decisions will need to be made by the Moderating Team.  These are not always popular but are they are made collaboratively in the interests of the well-being and safety of the larger community. Despite this one time incident, as Lifecrafting and KayFly suggest there there are many members who are here to share in the journey to recovery and who have much to offer.    :hug:
#6345
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Re: hi
August 03, 2015, 07:24:56 PM
Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Broccoli. I am so sorry for all your loss and pain, it's a lot for anyone to handle but especially for those of us who have CPTSD. It's like a lifelong pile on, and in a sense that is what's happening.  We don't deal with the trauma from the past (thus the development of CPTSD), and then as we become adults new traumas layer on top of the old. And in that we don't know how to process trauma, it does mount up until we hit maximum load. That's different for everyone but for me it was two years ago.

Many of us here can relate to that feeling, of having been through too much and being at wit's end.  Two years ago I was drinking and hiding in my closet (literally). Like you I didn't want to die  I just wanted the pain to stop.  (And you're correct that we don't discuss suicide here because that is something members need to seek professional help with so thank for following our guidelines, that was very considerate and respectful of you :hug:

Finally I reached out, got help and am sober and recovering from CPTSD. It was a tough first 6 months getting back on my feet, but an online support group like this one, medication, and therapy made a big difference. I know that you have had a lot of difficulty finding help but I would encourage you to keep trying until you do t find a trauma informed physician/therapist.  I had just moved when I got into drinking heavily but eventually managed to find a new doc who knew about CPTSD and was quick to get me to the right resources (a psychiatrist and an addictions counsellor).

You have taken a big step in coming here.  We do understand and can share our knowledge and experience with you, and that can go a really long way to not feeling so alone and overwhelmed.

Very glad you're here with us  :hug: