Small epiphanies which add up 
It's interesting that in not being on here as much, when I do pop in and read a bit I find I am having little epiphanies more often than not.
A couple of posts yesterday helped me to see clearly that much of my Social Anxiety comes from having been trained to be a prop in other people's plays, to respond to their needs and to submerge my self and my needs. In the past when I was around others I would begin to fade, to become opaque and to act as though I was in a play of sorts n which the script is everyone else's except mine. So, there's part of the reason for feeling like an imposter - oftentimes I was acting! (The other half of course has to do with overly high standards, perfectionism and not giving myself credit.)
Anyway, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to act rather than to be which goes a lon g way toward explaining the "function in public, collapse in private" reaction I have had on so many occasions in the past, social events in particular. I did not actually want to isolate myself from others and yet to be social was to lose my self, me - the proverbial rock and a hard place.
I think the clarity in reading posts also had to do with having a conversation about Kate Gosselin of all things (Kate Plus 8 reality show). I watched a show the other night and could not figure out why she triggered me (everything is so perfect) which I was telling my ever-so-patient H about, and then I realized, "The kids are props to her" just like I was in my PD FOO. My M was a stealth N and while everything looked fine on the outside, it was most definitely not fine for my B and I - we were merely actors in her play as Kate's kids are in hers.
The new medication I am on -- Celexa -- has really helped to damp that whole fading thing and because of that I am being much more authentic these days. Now that I have some real clarity on this aspect of my SA I will also try to be more invested in being the author of my life.
No more fading!
It's interesting that in not being on here as much, when I do pop in and read a bit I find I am having little epiphanies more often than not.
A couple of posts yesterday helped me to see clearly that much of my Social Anxiety comes from having been trained to be a prop in other people's plays, to respond to their needs and to submerge my self and my needs. In the past when I was around others I would begin to fade, to become opaque and to act as though I was in a play of sorts n which the script is everyone else's except mine. So, there's part of the reason for feeling like an imposter - oftentimes I was acting! (The other half of course has to do with overly high standards, perfectionism and not giving myself credit.)
Anyway, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to act rather than to be which goes a lon g way toward explaining the "function in public, collapse in private" reaction I have had on so many occasions in the past, social events in particular. I did not actually want to isolate myself from others and yet to be social was to lose my self, me - the proverbial rock and a hard place.
I think the clarity in reading posts also had to do with having a conversation about Kate Gosselin of all things (Kate Plus 8 reality show). I watched a show the other night and could not figure out why she triggered me (everything is so perfect) which I was telling my ever-so-patient H about, and then I realized, "The kids are props to her" just like I was in my PD FOO. My M was a stealth N and while everything looked fine on the outside, it was most definitely not fine for my B and I - we were merely actors in her play as Kate's kids are in hers.
The new medication I am on -- Celexa -- has really helped to damp that whole fading thing and because of that I am being much more authentic these days. Now that I have some real clarity on this aspect of my SA I will also try to be more invested in being the author of my life.
No more fading!
(she's a little shy lol).
