Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Sceal]

Great to hear your appointment went good! 

[alliematt]

At the moment, I'm in a reasonably stable place.  This doesn't mean that I won't have experiences that will "throw me off", so to speak. 

What I'm not pleased with is that I have a UTI at the moment; had to trot myself off to urgent care because I called the urologist I see and she can't see me until MONDAY (and it was this past Tuesday I made that call).  UTIs are nothing to sneeze at. 

Annnddd, the rash on my legs is still around.  It's rather discouraging to be dealing with so many physical problems.  But I am still here!

[alliematt]

(This entry is about a bad dream and may trigger people.) 






I dreamt about a bombing last night.  I think it's because I looked up a movie I saw many years ago which was about terrorists with a nuclear bomb.  Part of the dream involved me being at school and looking for shelter with a bunch of people, and when the bomb went off, we needed to get and stay away from the windows.

I had a backpack with me with a journal, and for some reason, I wasn't supposed to have the journal; so I sneaked it open and in the entry for the day, I wrote the single word, "Bomb."

Later, we were in another building--I think it may have been a church--and we were eating leftovers from the people who were there.

At one point, I had called my old home phone number.  No one was there, but I left a message saying that I was alive, and I loved them. 

I saw the two kids of a member of my current church and I asked them if they knew if their parents were okay.  I don't remember what they said.

My husband DID show up in this dream, and I gave him a very big hug and told him how glad I was he was there.  That was at least one good part of this dream!

[alliematt]

Mom is back in the hospital with another blood clot.  It's been removed but the doc isn't sure how well the surgery went.  The blood flow down is good.  It's the flow back up that's the problem. 

AND, I've been struggling with a skin rash ALL SUMMER LONG AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S CAUSING IT!!!!!!!!!

It is ALL OVER.  ALL OVER my legs, my bottom, and now my abdomen. 

I don't KNOW if I have an allergy to a particular detergent.  I don't KNOW if I have had a reaction to a particular fabric.

I DON'T KNOW!!!!!

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm really sorry to hear about that Alliematt. ^^" Hope things will get better for you asap.

[alliematt]

At the moment, I'm in a state of distracted limbo.  I saw my mother this past weekend.  She's now in hospice.  I keep waiting for my sister to call or text to tell me she's died.  I also have a sore throat.

I'm taking the next two days to get better physically and just to plain grieve.  My stress level is at 10 out of 10.

[Three Roses]

Standing with you as you go thru this difficult time, alliematt. My thoughts are with you....

[sanmagic7]

right by your side, allie.  you're not alone.  sending a hug filled with lilac scent and comfort.

[alliematt]

Thank you all.  This is a little like waiting to go into labor--you know it's going to happen, you just don't know when.

[alliematt]

Still no word on Mom.  And I've been dealing with a scratchy throat all this week; I have used that as a reason or excuse not to do certain things . . . and I actually have been feeling much less stressed, even though I'm still waiting on Mom to die.

It's selfish to say this, but . . . I went last week to tell my mother good-bye, and she has the nerve to still be alive a week later. <mild sarcasm here>  That's more of an observation on how long the dying process takes. 

And on the other hand, I've been lazy, playing around too much on the computer, and falling into the habit of staying up too late and then sleeping too late in the morning.  I'm having a rough time getting a handle on a decent schedule.

[sanmagic7]

i hope you can be patient and gentle with yourself, allie.  you are in an uncomfortable place, and i'm not surprised your schedule is out of whack.  it's ok to be messy at times like these.    big hug filled with comfort as you go through this rough patch.

[alliematt]

A friend who has been in a similar spot told me that it might take a while.  So I feel less guilty for carrying on with so-called "normal" life while waiting for Mom's dying to take place.

[alliematt]

(Note:  There is religious content here for those who are triggered by it.)


What's interesting is that with my mother's dying, I have not really been obsessing on other issues from my past.  I guess my current circumstances have a way of putting a lot of things into perspective.

My prayer is that her passing will be peaceful.  As a Christian, I am concerned about her soul . . . There's a verse in the Bible that says that "mercy triumphs over judgment".  I believe God is just, and He is also merciful, and this verse says that mercy triumphs over judgment.  I believe He will do the right thing where my mother is concerned.

[sanmagic7]

i believe god, the universe, the creator, the great spirit - whatever one believes in - will take care of what we aren't able.  i hope for peace for your mother as well as for you.  blessings, allie.

[alliematt]

Today I am tense.

EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY, EXTREMELY TENSE.

Mom died last week.  I'm still in the "weird phase of grief".

But that's not what's causing me the tension.

Ever since this past Tuesday/Wednesday, I have been having problems with my computer connecting with my WiFi.

I thought it was a problem with the ISP.  Well, they just left. 

I did System Restore on the computer.

It has not solved the problem.

This morning, my husband WOKE ME UP probably just to snuggle.  Sometimes in the mornings, when we get up together, he will start to talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And I can't always process a lot of conversation all at once.  I don't want to be rude and tell him to "shut up!" 

Then my son constantly hunts me down to show me stuff he's seeing on his iPad.

And then SHRIEKS along with whatever he's watching.

Combine this with my frustrations with my computer (which I HAVE to have because I work from home!) and I'm about ready to blow!

And oh yeah, Saturdays my husband does ask, what would you like for breakfast?  Am I a horrible person because sometimes I don't WANT him to make me breakfast EVERY SINGLE SATURDAY?  Or that I don't necessarily WANT him to make me something for dinner on Saturdays when I don't cook?  (I do not cook dinner Saturday or Sunday.  I put everyone on their own for dinner.)  I know he's trying to be nice, but sometimes I really feel hovered over.