Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Sceal]

Great to hear you are doing better! 😊
I can totally relate to not quite knowing what reasonable expectations are,  but I hope you got some  some answers with your T today.

[alliematt]

I'm sitting in Burger King, working on writing . . .and because the news is on, I also have headphones on and Spotify turned up as far as I can safely listen without it damaging my hearing!  (Self-care, anyone?)

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sitting in Burger King, working on writing . . .and because the news is on, I also have headphones on and Spotify turned up as far as I can safely listen without it damaging my hearing!  (Self-care, anyone?)

 

[Sceal]

How did your writing come along?
Sounds like a smart plan to get out of the house to get some work done! Good going!

[alliematt]

So after a decent evening . . . I didn't sleep well last night. 
This morning I got results from a blood draw I had last week, and I'm going to see my endocrinologist on Friday to go over them.
My thyroid is OK. 
My blood sugar and A1C . . . not so much.
My sugar was 127.
My A1C was 5.7 (one tenth of a point over "normal" range.)
I look like a bloated cow.
I haven't exercised.  I tried to walk--pulled a calf muscle.  Tried to swim--schedule got in the way and now, with this skin rash (which isn't related to the swimming) I'm worried that pool water might make it worse.  Tried to walk the treadmill--my knee started hurting.  Tried a knee sleeve--the knee sleeve keeps sliding, and I have the largest size available.  I have a bike and I put a seat on it where it shouldn't put pressure on my crotch, but I need to pump up the tires--and I'm not sure how well I can ride this bike with a special seat.
I'm afraid of being lectured harshly by the doc.  But I deserve this lecture.  I'm eating too many carbs and sweets.  It's my own fault.
Earlier this week I had another spell of adrenal fatigue.
I've proofed about 250-275 pages since Monday.  I didn't take any work today because I helped serve lunch at our seniors' Bible study group, I have praise team practice tonight, and knew I just wouldn't have time. 
I've gotten emails back showing mistakes I've made on the proofing.  I'm not concentrating enough and I'm afraid of making too many mistakes. :-(
My laundry needs to be put away.
I've been having thoughts of "no one likes me" (even though that's not true; there are plenty of people who do like me.) 
Because of the amount of proofing I was doing, yesterday I missed the ladies' group I'm part of. 
I'm sure part of my frustration is the cumulative effect of a list of health problems:  back pain, sleep apnea, adrenal fatigue, bladder problems, overweight . . .
How do you feed a group of people stuff that's healthy when one person is a picky eater (my son)?
It is too much.  It is all too much.  It has been too much for years and years and years and I see no way out. 
Isn't that a sign of C-PTSD?  Chronic entrapment in a situation where there's no way out?

Driving in the car this morning, I thought about how easy it would be to turn the wheel and wreck it.  I'm NOT planning to do that, but there are just times I feel so totally overwhelmed.

[alliematt]

I feel alone.  And lonely.  I have felt lonely since I moved into my own apartment in 1990.  I don't make friends easy, and to pick up the phone and ask someone to spend time with me is very, very difficult, because I'm afraid of hearing "no".  People are busy, they have their own families, and who has time to spend with me? 

The woman who is my best friend lives in another state.  I don't have a best friend here.  I don't have anyone I can call just to hang out with.  And the last time anyone asked us for dinner just to ask us for dinner (in other words, not because we were part of a group together) was back when our son was about seven or eight, and he's eighteen now. 

Someone asked me back in college, don't you know how to make friends?

My answer, then and now:  Probably not. 

[Three Roses]

 
I'm sorry you feel so alone, alliematt. Wish I could think of something to say to ease your loneliness.

[alliematt]

I'm sorry you feel so alone, alliematt. Wish I could think of something to say to ease your loneliness.

I know.  I appreciate it.  I'm having a day where I just don't feel like I fit anywhere.  I know my major fear at the moment:  I am afraid of being yelled at by my doc for not taking care of myself.

[Sceal]

  It's not easy to make friends, especially in adulthood. I'm with three roses, also wish I could do something to ease your lonelineness

[alliematt]

What do you do when the idea of just doing anything just seems so overwhelming?

[alliematt]

And oh, I forgot to share that yesterday, we ran out of money in the checking account.  I made a fast transfer from savings so that helped.

[alliematt]

Well!!

The doctor's appointment I'd been dreading went off MUCH, MUCH better than I thought. It turns out that although my A1C and blood sugar registered "high" on the bloodwork I had done, my A1C actually *dropped* from the last time I'd seen the endocrinologist.

My actual glucose had been 127 on the lab report. The doc told me that that was NORMAL for a *non-fasting* test. (I told him that I'd had a pumpkin-spiced latte before I had my bloodwork done. He reminded me that that was a treat, not a staple. ;-)

He asked me about exercise and when I told him that I'd been having trouble being consistent--and that my knee had been hurting on the treadmill--he suggested I try a recumbent bike and/or water aerobics. He was very nice about it, not scolding like I feared.

All my other bloodwork (thyroid, etc.) is normal.  And to top everything off, I LOST two pounds at Weight Watchers today!

I kicked myself for my fear as I went back to my car, then said that I was only allowed to beat myself up until I got out of the parking lot.

I feel as if I have been released from this appointment I see him again in six months. Wheeee!!!!!

(Now, to go back to one of those entries where I listed everything I'm dealing with and figure out a way to break some of my issues down into more manageable pieces!)

[Three Roses]

Good news, love it!

[Blueberry]

He asked me about exercise and when I told him that I'd been having trouble being consistent--and that my knee had been hurting on the treadmill--he suggested I try a recumbent bike and/or water aerobics. He was very nice about it, not scolding like I feared.

I'm really happy for you that your doc reacted like this. Scolding doesn't work with me, and it doesn't sound as if it does for you either. If there's so much stuff going on, you feel ready to collapse, there are often valid reasons for not being able to force oneself to do x y and z.
My docs are like this too. More encouraging than anything else, and pointing out progress where I don't see it myself.

[AphoticAtramentous]

So happy to hear about this Allie.
It's always such a relief when something you've been stressing over actually turns out to be far better than expected.