Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

She made it here safely and I don't feel quite as anxious.  I got the inflatable bed, and the valve, made the clam chowder (that will also be tonight's dinner), got the gift bag, picked up the fruit this morning.

And BFF is totally ignoring me because she is playing Magic: The Gathering with my husband. :-)  That's not a bad thing.  My husband doesn't get to play as much as he would like to so I'm OK with them playing the game together. 

BFF says that our job this weekend is to "chill".  So I am going to "chill".

[alliematt]

We chilled this weekend!!  My BFF fit in at the shower we went to and also at church.  She needed to chill, I needed to chill, and we did a good job of chilling.

[Three Roses]

 

[sanmagic7]

so very glad it went well for both of you, allie.   big hug!

[alliematt]

See the doc Tuesday for a bad rash. 

Have a messy house and end up beating myself up for it.  My biggest problem is this constant feeling of being overwhelmed.

[alliematt]

The rash is being treated with prescription ointment.

This has been a bad week.  My house is cluttered.  I don't feel like I can say, think, or do anything without offending someone, even when I don't mean to offend them.  Current events are seeping into my social media feed again.  I'm not sleeping well.  My son is driving me crazy.  And I can't get my act together. 

[AphoticAtramentous]

I'm sorry to hear that Allie. Remember to take a few deep breaths every now and then.
Perhaps you can try and remove yourself from all these annoyances, like avoiding social media for a day, or decluttering the house a little. I've had to do these things before and they help me immensely whenever I get too overwhelmed.

[alliematt]

 



MORE CURRENT EVENTS ARE CREEPING IN!!!
PEOPLE JUST WON'T STOP ARGUING!!
STOP IT!!!

EVEN WITH OTHER CHRISTIANS, I DON'T FEEL LIKE I CAN EXPRESS MYSELF AND BE SAFE!!!!
EVERYONE THINKS THEY'RE RIGHT!!!
AND THERE'S NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE THINGS BECAUSE PEOPLE WON'T LISTEN TO ME!!
NOTHING I DO MATTERS!!!!
NOTHING!!
THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE THINGS!!!
NOTHING!!!
I HAVE NO HOPE.  I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT'S RIGHT OR WRONG, WHAT I SHOULD THINK OR WHAT I SHOULD BELIEVE!!!
I CAN'T PRAY!!
I CAN'T STUDY THE BIBLE!!!
IF I EXPRESS MY OPINIONS, I'LL JUST GET JUMPED ON!!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!

[Three Roses]

Hmmm... What about a medium chill or gray rock approach?

Is the reason you can't pray or read the Bible because you're being controlled? Or are you feeling stuck? Sorry for so many questions. I'm here if you want to talk. Feel free to send me a private message our email, too.

I care. 

[sanmagic7]

allie, if i may suggest - know in your own heart that you have your own truth, and it is the right one for you.  your perspective is yours, your opinions are yours, and your worldview is yours, and they are all valid.  you don't have to argue with anyone, don't have to try to get them to hear you, and you don't have to try to persuade them that there is another way.

you can just back out of their stuff and know that your own is true and right for you.  they may believe they are right, they may not want to listen to you or your viewpoints, but they are not you, don't live your life, and don't have your history.  they have nothing on you at all.

it is nothing but frustrating to be around people like that.   i'm listening, i hear you, i validate you.  i'm sure there are others here who feel the same way.   just take care of yourself as best you can.  big hug full of warmth, caring, and peace.

[Three Roses]

 

[alliematt]

Hmmm... What about a medium chill or gray rock approach?

Is the reason you can't pray or read the Bible because you're being controlled? Or are you feeling stuck? Sorry for so many questions. I'm here if you want to talk. Feel free to send me a private message our email, too.

I care. 

I feel more stuck than anything.  And underlying all of this is the despair that things will never, ever get any better.

[alliematt]

I'm not in the screaming mood of yesterday but I still feel in despair.  My dermatologist says that I have spongiotic dermatitis . . . which basically means, I have a red, itchy rash.  We knew that already.  He took another biopsy and will call me with the results.

I've just plain had it.  Things are never going to get any better.  Not with me and not with the world around me.

[AphoticAtramentous]

 

[alliematt]

I feel much better today, thank goodness!  Had a talk with my counselor today about "reasonable expectations".  I'm not always sure what are reasonable expectations and what are not reasonable expectations.