FINDING MY FEELINGS

[NarcKiddo]

I love silence, too. I rarely even listen to music these days, unless I am working out in the gym. I get more irritated by the endless, loud, piped music in restaurants as I get older. I thought it was just me turning into a cranky old lady but maybe there is more to it than that. Music at breakfast is the WORST!

I also identify with the freeze reaction when faced with a barrage of questions. I hate being questioned, even if it is about something innocuous and I know the answers.

I'm interested to see that you have the TV on and play a game at the same time. I've often found myself reading or flicking through social media while the TV is on. And yet when I am doing my colouring or art stuff, which I find incredibly therapeutic, I don't want any noise at all. I thought an audiobook might be good to listen to while I paint but I just zone out of the book.

There's nothing wrong with silence and it is nice to have someone you can be silent with. That is one thing my husband and I agree on. We can sit quite happily together without chatting. If I am with my mother the yammer is endless.

But it's also OK to need others. That is a normal human need. The tough part is getting ourselves to acknowledge that need and then find the strength to express it.

 

[Hope67]

Hi Moondance,
I related to what you said about the barage of questions.  I find that I dislike any form of questioning, and I even anticipate the kinds of questions people might ask.  I dread those questions.

I like a calm space too with little noise and some peaceful silence.  It can be very calming.

 
Hope 

[Moondance]

Thank you for relating and your hug in support Hope  I really appreciate it

--------

Another memory just now - it came back from watching a movie.

When I say memory I mean an incident that was tucked in deep.  I didn't forget it, it was inside me, festering like all the rest of the incidences. It seems to be coming back in pieces.

****CSA TRIGGER WARNING*****





I don't have a memory of the actual CSA but am remembering things around it, the people, the circumstances, almost see a visual of the house I was.

This family were friends of my parents.  Actually one of the daughters of the parents my FOO were friends with my dad ended up having an affair with later on and shortly after that my parents split up. I was 13 when they split up. But that isn't the memory.

I was having difficulty figuring out how old I was when this happened.  But since I was 13 when my parents split up, I was 12 when the priest incident happened it had to have been prior to that.  But my cycle had started so I guess between the ages of 11-14.  Not sure exactly when but thinking I was 11 or 12.

I recall being at these friends house.  I wasn't really close to these people but I was there for the weekend. I was dropped off for the weekend which is odd because I never went anywhere and when my parents went somewhere I usually looked after my siblings.  So not sure why I was dropped off for the weekend.

The long and short of it is that there was alcohol and men.  I remember saying to this young girl I had my period and she said that's okay they would not mind.

I have the feeling of wanting to go home - I did not want to spend the weekend there.  I remember more of how I felt than anything else.

**** END OF TW*****

For many years I thought I came from a good family. But this is a false belief.  My FOO, in particular my parents were not good.  They were abusive, neglectful and abandoned us.  There were greater things at play here than I realized.

I find this extremely sad, immobilizing but I want to know all of it.  Because now I'm really starting to get why I have struggled so much all my life. 

Incident after incident from the ages of 11 and possibly younger i have been sexualized.  My biological dad used to call me awful names at a young age. 

I do understand, looking back and even now, why I don't value myself and in turn why others don't either.  Because they hear what I say about myself and they see how I treat myself - almost giving them the right to treat me badly.  I have always been self depricating- I guess that could fall under the inner critic syndrome except it is the outward critic syndrome.

Enough for today. I feel drained, exhausted.





 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you sharing your experience and reflection and resonate with how exhausting that is in addition to carrying it. 

[Moondance]

Thank you Rainydiary for your care and resonating with the post - much appreciated.

[Moondance]

I read the following in another post and found it to be so fitting for me...

Over the last year I have simply been trying to work out what my symptoms are and understand how best to live the rest of my life.

So in addition to the CSA, the rape, the DV I have the continued, over many years abusive work situations, the gaslighting andthe narcissists.

I feel like I am repeating myself so most likely I am.

I feel like my life is on hold, I've been highjacked.

The main difficulty at the moment is my loss of interest in life.  I don't know how to change that because I just don't care to try anymore. I'm just putting time in.  I would not do anything to myself but instead just waiting for the day.

I know I should want to live, do things, be with people/relationships and I even try to pretend at times for other people's sakes but that doesn't work.


Maybe I should give myself more time as there is a huge amount to sort out. 

[Armee]

Yeah. You're in the middle of it and it's a lot of really sad and bad stuff. Just getting through the moment is good. Forget WANTING to live for now. For now just doing it (life, moment to moment) is enough. Just one awful thing did me in for a long time. But I do trust that even tho it's a lot you are going through, it'll get better. Just not now and not fast.   

[Moondance]

  Armee

Thank you

[Moondance]

I've been trying to work thru or process my last post. 

It seems that every few weeks or so I remember another incident where I felt unsafe, that I was put in harms way as a child, whether unknowingly or not. 

Some of the memories are also of past unsafe work places. 

I'm becoming more aware of how I deal or don't deal with these memories.

When it comes to the work memories I shut off right away.  When the thought comes I think no, no,no let's not go there.  I avoid the thought as soon as it comes. I get a panicky, very anxiety producing feeling in my body and mind.  Most times I will shake my head as if I'm trying to shake it away, off and out of me.

For the childhood memories it's not like that.  It comes almost like a replay in my mind.  And each time I get a sense of understanding why I'm finding it so difficult to be in the world. I guess the awareness is the beginning.

I'm not remembering everything and that's probably a protective thing happening - most likely why every few weeks more comes up. 

Yestwrday I found a book in our reference book guide on boundaries and an exercise on assertiveness.
I think this will be helpful. I need to do it though for it to be helpful.   I'm trying to lower my expectations of myself so that I don't feel pressure about it and allow myself to do it at my own pace however fast or slow it may be. I find it difficult to stick with anything  but I will keep trying. I have downloaded the assertiveness exercise - that's a start.

[Not Alone]

Moondance, my heart sank when I read your post. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with those things.

[Moondance]

Not Alone 

It means a lot to be heard and understood.

Truly, truly

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i echo notalone.  heartbreaking for sure.

i relate to just putting one foot in front of the other w/ no or little motivation for anything else. it's a dark feeling. keep hangin' tough, ok?  hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thanks for hanging with San  I will hang on to the fact you all get it and standing with me as I stand with you all. Well as best as I can.

-----

Sometime ago I posted about my dad dropping me off for the weekend with a bunch of his friends. They were drinking and carrying on.  I think this was within 6 mths of when I was raped.  Anyway I won't get into that again in detail.

I mention this because this morning I recalled what happened afterward.  Well i recall the main part of what happened after.  Only bits and pieces seem to come in to my mind, the recesses of my mind.  Isn't there a song that goes like that!

I recall being extremely distraught.  I recall wanting to be alone, asking to be alone.  I recall asking my dad if I could go to the camp on my own.  I just wanted to be alone.  Although I'd  dissociated prior I think this was the beginning of really pulling away from everyone.  Pulling myself, my body and my mind in a fetal position.  I recall sleeping a lot and not much of anything else.  I think I have always separated my body and my mind. They are not one. And that speaks of the dissociation, right?

I never felt in control of either. Well at times I did but never the 2 together it seems.







 

 

 

[Moondance]

Well A has arrived at 2nd destination safe and sound. Yea!!

I am now in a state of panic. I'm worried he won't come back and if he does it won't be to stay.

I feel shame about myself, shame about where I'm at in my life. 

Some of it is insecurities, some of it is concern about what will happen should he decide to not stay.

As much as my adult self says, "whatever happens, whether he stays or goes it will be okay" I'm having a difficult time believing that.  It would also affect my financially.

The shame, embarrassment, insecurities are about how I am, unavailable, uncommunicative, depressed, anxious and worried all the time, my inability to communicate my needs/boundaries, the anger/impatience, lack of ernergy or desired to to anything. I could go on and on. Bottom line I'm not easy to live with - I know this.  Ohh and I forgot to mention I can be downright grumpy and I swear and call myself names.  This is totally the opposite of who I have been in years past.  I hate hate hate this stuff!!

It would devastating to me because he is the only friend I can trust 100%.  Although my trauma brain doesn't behave or reflect I trust him 100%  But that could also be about I don't want to burden him because my stuff is a lot. I'm almost certain you guys will get that.   

If there was a fall out that would most likely mean I would never hear or see grand-daughter again.

I finally sent an email to my T this morning to let her know I accept her offer to meet once a month until funding comes in. Hopefully she hasn't changed her mind.

There are just too many possible scenarios going around in my mind right now - part of the reason for the anxiety, I guess.

I need to talk with someone about this because it's sending me over.

I don't feel able to talk with A because it all might be true and I don't know that I could handle it.

Suggestions are welcomed.

 
 

 

[Armee]

 

Its trauma brain. The things are not true but they feel threateningly true. When you can, it is best to talk to A about it.