FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Moondance]

  Thank you, Armee, for affirming it's trauma brain. I agree that would be the adult thing to do. I just am not there right now. Thank you for taking time to respond.

I'm too afraid right now to talk with him and definitely too overwhelmed and anxious. I have talked with someone else which helped getting it out of my brain somewhat.

I will also write it all out as well to further get it out. 

I will definitely speak with A when he returns. In the meantime I'm trying to work thru it myself so as not to bother him on his holiday with my trauma brain.

If it gets unbearable again I will have to reach out to him. 

[Armee]

I get it. It would take me weeks to months to be able to talk to my husband about anything living in trauma brain. 

"When you can" means literally when you can. When your trauma releases enough that the words can come out and not be overwhelming.

But I do know it's also the shortest path to relief. You deserve the reassurance. 

[Moondance]

  got it Armee - thanks for everything.

Yes, agreed speaking with A about it would be the shortest path to relief.

I'm having a hard time taking in/feeling 'I deserve the reassurance' however I really appreciate the validation and encouragement from you Armee. 

Who knows I may surprise myself and talk to him before he comes back and not just because it got unbearable.

 

[sanmagic7]

i'd like to jump on that bandwagon, moondance, about encouragement, validation, and reassurance that it's trauma brain.  those thoughts and feelings can seem so logical in a totally illogical way.  you deserve reassurance anytime you're feeling wobbly.  i'm glad you'll get as much of this out as possible, writing, talking, however it works best for you.  and, yes, when you are able. always at your pace and what works for you.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thank you so much San for the support, validation, reassurance, encouragement- so very much appreciated. 

------

Physically this all takes its toll.

Yesterday I mowed and trimmed all of the lawn. In part because it needed it but it derails some of the crazy thoughts to physically do something.  My whole body hurts most of the time but I feel like a truck hit me this morning. My body is almost always full of tension.  My neck especially - I have tried numerous things to help with my neck but most recently I bought a roll on called "that stuff for pain" and it does help to lessen the pain somewhat.

Yesterday when I spoke with a friend about the ever increasing anxiety I was able to cry which helped releasing some of the anxiety and emotion.  Hmm I'm wondering if when I feel emotions now it goes into anxiety- maybe that's what happens.  I didn't realize it til just now. It's like a panic state.  I guess that is trauma brain.

I haven't heard back from T yet.  Maybe she changed her mind or maybe she is just busy and will get back to me.  I hope she's okay and I hope to hear from her this week.


I'm still ruminating over my last conversation with A but considerably less. 

Some progress - when I texted my friend  to see if she had time to chat I was able to verbalize what I needed.  I need support, a listening ear to talk this through so I can, so my brain can work it through as opposed to a let's fix it kinda conversation. So for me that is big - I was able to recognize what I needed and felt safe enough to ask. 

Baby steps - baby steps!!

Also this same friend asked me to join her for a movie later this week. Going out is always a very strenuous, difficult thing.  In our conversation about meeting before and such she ended sending me a text with meeting info.  So she had listed the time, the place, how long (approx) we would be there. The distance between point A and point B, location - all of that.  Anyway that info really brought peace to me.  I didn't realize I really needed that until it did.  I thanked her for thoughtfulness and let her know how much it helped sooth any anxiety. 

[NarcKiddo]

I've just been catching up on your journal. Yep - trauma brain. Ugh. Poor you.

Your friend sounds lovely and caring. I'm glad you were able to tell her what you needed from her and that she obliged. It's also lovely that she made the effort to give you all the info in advance of the movie so you feel better about the outing. What are you going to see?

[Kizzie]

Wow, I could use a friend like that! 

My H and I saw Oppenheimer on Sun and it was really well done as long as you like the historical stuff.  Three hours long so good bang for the buck. 

Next we want to see Tom Cruise's new flick.  I normally don't like action movies but I like his movies I guess because he does all his own stunts. I do find it kind of crazy that he's a Scientologist. I keep thinking he must have told them something really bad when they 'cleared' him or whatever they call it. 

Sorry, blathering     Hope you have a good time at the movies.

[Papa Coco]

Moondance,

I resonate with your comment that you know you aren't always easy to live with. You're not alone with that sentiment. I also often feel shame and remorse for putting my wife through the 40 years of dealing with my mood swings and self-destructive behaviors.

I recently realized that my trauma responses are rooted in my earliest years of life. And that when I'm feeling anxiety, fear, self-deprecation, depression, etc. that it's my tween self remembering what it felt like to be unheard, uncared for, disrespected as a human being, abused, bullied, etc, and that the fact that no one believed me then was the greatest pain of them all for me.

This is a good way for me to view my own life, because I've also recently discovered that when I come onto the forum, or visit my DBT therapist, who, btw, was also gaslighted as a boy, so he's totally empathetic to what my inner tween is feeling, that the validation from people who have walked a mile in my shoes truly helps the inner child get what he wants: To be heard and respected as a person.

I was alone with my gaslighting and outright abuse when I was a child. Today, that child comes back to life whenever he's triggered. It's becoming clearer to me that when my trusted allies believe him about the pain he's in, that my inner tween feels heard...validated. That's when he starts to let the adult in me take control again.

Being alone with the abuse was so damaging. Being connected today with others who know what that feels like, addresses the loneliness and makes me feel more okay with letting the adult in me take control. Getting empathetic support from fellow sufferers gives my inner victim the feeling that he's not alone with his pain and fear anymore.

I don't know if my words are helpful, but I hope you can feel the love from the people on this forum, and I hope you can get your T to see you, at least once a month, and that the money eventually comes to see T more often.

For now, here's an empathetic hug from a fellow sufferer of triggers and pain and fear and anxiety. I'm one of the people here who believes you 100% that your physical pains are real and they are valid. You're not alone, and you're not crazy. If you are, then we all are, and, once again, at least we're not crazy AND alone. We're crazy together.

This feeling of friendship on the forum always helps me, and I hope it helps you too.

[Moondance]

Geez Louise I posted a response to you NC and Kizzie and it's not showing up lol

NC - thanks  yes I'm fortunate to have her in my life.  She gets it! Really gets it - but we can all guess why.  We are going to see Hiding Places - not a light hearted movie but that's right up my ally so to speak.  Lol

Kizzie - I want to see Tom Cruises latest film as well.  I don't know about him personally (of course!) LOL but I really enjoy his movies.

Well Kizzie I wish that for you in real life - a friend that will listen and hear you, one that meets you exactly where you are at.  One that respects your boundaries and doesn't push them too much or at all.  A friend who, without knowing it, will instinctively now your need at that time.  We all need a friend like that.

I have found that in all of you but experiencing it in real life is great asxwell.

Hmmmm blathering is encouraged here!!!    isn't it?!! Lol

PC - my eyes started leaking from your post.  I can feel that. Thank you so very much. Yes your words are encouraging and hopeful, so therefore very helpful. Thank you all for getting it - it does make such a difference to be heard, believed and supported.

I'm one of the people here who believes you 100% that your physical pains are real and they are valid. You're not alone, and you're not crazy. If you are, then we all are, and, once again, at least we're not crazy AND alone. We're crazy together.


  - thank you for saying you believe 100% about the physical pain - I can't say in words how that feels - 😢 it helps me feel safer, it helps me to get in touch with the little girl and adult me who never felt heard or believed about that.  Certainly doctor's have not heard or believed me.  I think the masseuse has though  lol

  

 

[Moondance]

T responded thank goodness. An appointment is forthcoming.

I know it's trauma brain to even believe she wouldn't but at the time it just felt so real to me.

[natureluvr]

My household has become pretty chaotic in the last hour, so I'll just say that I'm very happy for you that your T responded!  I really identify with believing that someone will not respond to us. 

[Moondance]

  Natureluvr,

Thank you - gosh I was so relieved.

I hope the chaos or settles for you and yours.

Thanks for responding in the midst of things being chaotic.

 

[Kizzie]

Glad to hear your T got back to you Moondance      That trauma brain just is insidious isn't it!? 

[Moondance]

Kizzie it is crazy making stuff. 

Looking back, for many years I had identified it as the toxicity in my FOO.  I used to think if I'm around people, other than FOO, who bring this crazy feeling to me I should stay clear away.

So I knew something was not quite right even in my 20' but I didn't have a name for it. 

And yes others may have been triggering me but I see now that it was my trauma brain.  Wow!!

 

[NarcKiddo]

I'm glad your T responded and you have an appointment set up.