FINDING MY FEELINGS

[Moondance]

Hi Eireanne,

Yes a valid feeling under the circumstances.  Hopefully I can get to a point where I can respond in a compassionate way towards people who are so presumptious.  I think they live in their own bubble as well.  Just a different bubble than mine.   

Thank you for taking the time to respond - always appreciated.

[Moondance]

I'm not even sure where to begin, again - some venting going on here.

I continue to feel and be in survival mode.  Survival mode for me seems to be shut down, putting
time in, really not engaged, not caring, depressed - just trying to stay above water really.  I find
it so difficult to be in relationship with anyone and that's without anything going on in the relationship.
When something does goes wrong relationally I just shut down. 

It doesn't help that I'm not seeing my T regularly now - I believe communicating with her on a weekly
basis was getting me out of the deep depression.  It seems to be returning as time goes on here without
T.  I will email T this week and let her know I will take her up on offer to meet once a month until funding
comes in for applied therapy grant.

I had a family doctor appointment for tomorrow but I cancelled because I just don't want to deal with a doctor/person
who doesn't support me at this time or doesn't understand what CPTSD is, how it happens, the symptoms, etc, etc.
The appointment was a follow up to CT lung scan.  The lung doc already went over the results with me so I'm
not sure why GP wanted to review as well.  I made sure to clarify that there will be no charge as I gave more
than 24 hour notice of cancellation.

A left this morning on a 2 week trip on motorcycle.  This is creating anxiety within me even though
I tell myself he's an adult.  He plans to call me once a day so I don't worry but gosh lots can
happen in between there. Talk about worse case scenario syndrome...yikes that doesn't help.
 
I'm trying to let it go and haven't been too successful with that.   I have been tracking his phone (on my plan) and
he has been riding since 6 a.m. and is almost at the destination he was to be at in 1 day as opposed to
the planned 2 days.  And I'm texting his son with updates as he is worried as well.  A is 76 and has memory issues
especially when tired or stressed.  He will meet up with his son tomorrow at the planned destination. 

And now that he's not around for the next few weeks I can
spend some time posting and processing some of my stuff.....hopefully.

In one of my last posts I mentioned boundaries and I was going to get clarity on
that for myself.  I have printed and gathered some information regarding boundaries
however I've not written anything down - yet.  That is something I will do in the
next 2 weeks for myself.  Now there is a boundary I did set or ask for with A in the
past few weeks. I had been feeling overwhelmed with looking after A.  Some of the overwhelming
feelings are my fault, my responsibility.  I've been looking after others' needs for a long while
and it happens automatically for me - but I need to change that for myself.  I don't know how yet
because it's so ingrained in me.  The first step however I feel I took with A.  I explained that
I'm not well myself (understatement) and that I need for him to be caring towards me, helpful as
well.  I may be younger than him but in worse shape in some ways for sure.

I have work to do in the asking - way, way uncomfortable to ask for something for myself
and most likely my explanation is not as clear and concise as it should be but a step forward
nonetheless.  I say work to do in the asking because he got defensive and that is not what
I intended - one of the reasons I don't ask for anything is because i don't want to hurt others,
put them out - he was hurt.  He felt I was saying he was a bad guy which is crazy because he's
the only good guy I've known- that doesn't mean he's perfect by any means.  This is the difficulty
with A - he doesn't always comprehend what I'm saying or meaning.  And to add to this crazy mix
I'm so unsure of myself I have a tendency to blame me for everything including him not understanding.
    

Whewwwww!   I was able to verbalize that is not what I'm saying.  That what I'm saying is I want
to be cared for as well.  I want to be visible as opposed to invisible and I have needs as well.
He got more frustrated as we talked and seemed to feel worse, like exasperated.  I got up and
went to my room - when I got up I did say and this is the reason I never f'n ask for anything.   

As I'm typing this I'm thinking okay there is a pattern here.  I ask for something from someone,
they respond with something other than what I'm asking.  The response is usually about how they are feeling
not about what I'm feeling which completely sidetracks me.    It feels to me that I've said nothing, I've not
been heard and what is the point of even trying.   And of course
then I go down the path of -  it must be how I asked, how I verbalize what I'm saying.

Well this just really shows me that this is something I really need to work on, learn
more about.  The best definition I've ever heard of for boundaries is - where one person
ends and the other begins.  Mind you that has really not helped me a whole bunch.

I did just read though that "People who have formed complex post-traumatic stress disorder also have problems with boundaries. It is a part of the symptomology of CPTSD." (https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/11/21/the-vital-importance-of-boundaries/)

When I first was off work and speaking with insurance company (hate to even mention them) and the psychologist they assigned to me I recall responding in a terrified way to having to set boundaries.  I felt at the time that
I had tried to set boundaries but boundaries don't work real well with bullies, narcissist, etc.  Reading the above
excerpt that boundaries are a symptomology of CPTSD gives me relief that it's not just me - it's yet another
symptom of CPTSD.  I so did not feel safe with that psychologist - she was extremely pushy about the boundary
work, going back to work was mentioned in every session.  Instead of helping me regulate I was getting more and
more dysregulated.  On the upside I was so panicked, anxiety ridden and in a continual EF that I lost it with insurance company and told them I didn't feel safe with this person and suggested a different psychologist.

Now that I have been approved for LTD until 65 the dealings with insurance are to a minimum, thus far
anyway.  I'm hoping I will be able to do some healing now.  I know that many of us, if not all have
struggled with insurance companies and my thoughts are with those of us that are still in the process and
fighting for support.  It would be more helpful and healing to all of us for them to have an understanding of all
traumas and how it affects every aspect of our daily lives.

A has reached his destination safe and sound.        

I feel thankful for this forum.














 
   

[Armee]

 

I'm so glad A reached his destination and your worrying about that can recede a bit. Is it ok to make an observation?

Another symptom of CPTSD is selfblame. It's super protective and I do it a lot. I notice that you are taking the blame and saying you need to work on this more, but, maybe A is the one who has work to do, in how he responded to you? And maybe possibly explaining yourself in writing might help too?

    

I'm so glad you'll be asking your T for the monthly assistance. You deserve that.

[NarcKiddo]

I hear you and I identify with pretty much everything you have said. I'm glad A got to his destination safely.

 

[Eireanne]

Oh Moondance, so many things you said I relate to so strongly.

I just don't want to deal with a doctor/person who doesn't support me at this time or doesn't understand what CPTSD is - I get that 100%

Also "I ask for something from someone, they respond with something other than what I'm asking.  The response is usually about how they are feeling not about what I'm feeling which completely sidetracks me. It feels to me that I've said nothing, I've not been heard and what is the point of even trying.   And of course then I go down the path of -  it must be how I asked, how I verbalize what I'm saying."

I've been reflecting on this a lot recently, in my own interactions. How much I take responsibility for people that are listening to fix instead of understand. Jumping to a suggestion without having the context necessary to understand what I am saying in the first place frustrates me.  The defensive part of me just wants to shout "you aren't listening to me!" I hope venting about it with us is helpful. Agree with Armee's observation.

    

[Moondance]

Yes Armee I appreciate your observation(s) for sure.

So yes I live in selfblame unfortunately.  I'm aware that when I communicate with others that that is apparent and that it really affects how others see me because that is what is being projected by me.  It all seems unsurmountable to get rid of all these  ways I have but my thought is to be a lot more gentle with myself and perhaps slowly I will heal.  I really like your idea of writing / working it out first.  I would like to try that. Thank you for the hug Armee. I feel care in it. 

A called just know and he has arrived at his 2nd destination.  I am so impressed with how he is doing this.  I'm only 62 and I couldn't do it -  he is 76 and has memory issues.  It shows me the difference it makes to believe in one's self.  He had parents who really had the skills or know how to bring up self assured, confident children.  All his siblings share the same confidence.  I can't put it into words but I can see it in them when I was around them.  When A was living here some of it rubbed off on me and being part of the family back then had a positive effect on me.  And then A left to live his dream on the water and well as the saying goes the rest is history.  I do realize it has to come from me though and to get there a lot of work will be required.


Thank you Narckiddo for relating and for the hug.  I always am able to relate when reading your posts.
 

Eireanne I can feel that big warm hug - thank you it means a lot to me and makes my eyes leaky a bit coming from you (this is meant in a really good way).

And yes, after the fact I want to shout, "Your not listening to me", Your not hearing me". Maybe someday we will be able to say it. Right then and there.  I would so like to be able to express my feelings right in the moment without all the blame, shame, guilt or as an overreaction if you know what I mean.  And yes venting did help. 

I'm so thankful you all had the time to read and respond to my post.  Since I haven't posted for a few weeks I wasn't sure anyone would (inside voice) respond.  But to my amazement there you all are. 

 

[sanmagic7]

hey, moondance, when i read his response to what you were saying, the first thought that came to mind was that he has some kind of issue getting in the way of hearing what you're saying. i don't believe it was on you at all.  his response of interpreting your 'asking' that he felt like he was a bad guy seems way off. that's not your fault.  when i've gotten defensive about someone saying or asking me something, it's because there's something else, usually from my past, going on. 

by the by, i relate to wanting to be taken care of.  i know that comes from my childhood, but it's been with me for as long as i can remember.

i'm glad A is groovin' along the highway and staying safe.  and you are there for him, worrying, checking in w/ him - just like you'd want someone to do for you.     you really are a wonderful person.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Hi Sanmagic7,

You may have a really good point there. Thank you for this insight!

When I think about his relationship history a bit I think that he feels badly about himself and how his adult children are doing or were doing.  His youngest son passed a few years ago.  AAA had an ongoing struggle from birth.  His M was an addict and so AAA was born with AFS and turrets. He was often homeless and/or living in shelters in adulthood.   At the age of 38 he had a colostomy due to the effects of alcohol on his body. 

A pretty much raised his children on his own.  AAA sadly overdosed.  A's eldest son, AA really struggles with his brothers death and blames himself.  AA also struggles with substance abuse but even more so since AAA's passing.

So yes I can then see quite clearly that A may feel like a 'bad guy'.  He's not but I can see where that might come from.

Even though I know this is confidential and no names are being used I feel it's not my place to tell someone else's story.  I share the above to better understand what I'm dealing with in my relationship with A. 

I have to admit there is a bit of a trigger there for me.  I get triggered if I feel a 'parent' is not taking responsibility for whatever happened. I don't mean the suicide but just generally taking responsibility.  And I think probably A may be triggered by me blaming or wanting to hold them, my parents responsible for the things that happened to me under their so called 'care'   

Hmmm, so I recognize then I'm not as free as I was when living alone to feel and express all that I need to because of my own codependency and CPTSD. 

Ughhh everything is so intertwined.

The message remains the same for me today as it was yesterday....

BOUNDARIES - I need to work on this so I can look after myself somewhat or I will drown and disappear even more.

I don't have much of a desire to hang on but am aware that writing here gets some of it which in turn feels a bit lighter.

Well hopefully this makes a bit of sense to someone.

[Eireanne]

  Yes. It makes sense.

[natureluvr]

I continue to feel and be in survival mode.  Survival mode for me seems to be shut down, putting
time in, really not engaged, not caring, depressed - just trying to stay above water really.. 

I can relate to this - I think I get the same way at times. 

I'm sorry that A got defensive and upset when you set boundaries with him.  I know how hard it is to set boundaries - and then to have the other person not react in a favorable way, just makes things harder.  It's wonderful that you were able to stand your ground and clarify want you meant.  For years, when I tried to set boundaries, I just gave in if the other person resisted. I've gotten to the point now where I will stand my ground if the other person resists, at least a lot of the time, not always. 


boundaries don't work real well with bullies, narcissist, etc.

Yep, this.  Unfortunately, most of my FOO are narcs and/or bullies, and I finally got to where I had to go no contact with all but one of them.  I had set some boundaries, but they did not respect them.  It was fake begrudging apology, and then more emotionally abusive behavior.  I feel better being no contact, but I've had to grieve the loss of hope of ever having any decent relationships with any of them. 

Armee said "maybe A is the one who has work to do, in how he responded to you?".  This thought crossed my mind as well. 

I want to shout, "Your not listening to me", Your not hearing me".

I can really resonate with this.  This has been an ongoing theme in my life- feeling unheard and invisible to people around me in my FOO and my family of origin.  Thankfully, recently I often feel heard and understood by my husband, and my friends.

I feel bad, because I've spent more time talking in my response to you about myself. I just want to reiterate that I relate to so much of what you are saying. 

Hugs, moondance.    

[Moondance]

Hi Natureluvr

I really appreciate your response and how you responded.  It helps me in so many ways.    as far as I'm concerned no reason to feel bad because I take it that you are relating to my post, that you understand what I'm experiencing which is always helpful because I often think (blame, etc, etc) it's something wrong with me. 

I'm learning, slowly it's not all me.  On the other hand I'm hoping if someone spots that it is me that a gentle nudge is given to me to help me see if I'm not owning or seeing it. 

Isn't this exactly what relational trauma is? I'm unable to clearly see what is truly going on at times.  Well still a lot of the time for me, but hopefully as I heal i will know more and more what is going on.  So yes the blame, guilt, shame, doubt, self critic, overthinking, hypervigilance, etc etc pretty much skews everything doesn't it. What is really difficult I guess is that because of my trauma mind I misinterpret what others are saying a lot, what they really mean.

Yep makes so much sense to me why I do better alone, prefer to be alone - it's so much easier on my head and body to just be alone.

My fear with that is can a person come back from that?  I think some of you have and I admire that.

We are not meant to be alone in this world.  I need others even though my trauma brain doesn't want to need others.  Ahhh there is a difference there to saying my trauma brain doesn't need others
Than me saying I don't need others.

So a part of me, somwhere is saying i do need others and its okay - I don't know if it's the little in me saying I do need others or the adult saying I do need others. 
The other part says no no no its not safe - k that's the little girl saying no no no.  Lots of pain there.

Enough for now.

[natureluvr]

What is really difficult I guess is that because of my trauma mind I misinterpret what others are saying a lot, what they really mean.

Yes, this happens to me quite a lot. 

[sanmagic7]

it struck a chord w/ me, moondance, about separating trauma brain from me as a person.  makes so much sense, and is quite profound to my mind.   

the boundaries thing is a tough one for many of us, especially when we weren't allowed to have our own, never learned it's ok to have our own from early on.  i think we have to go directly against our trauma brains here, too.  realizing something is ok or not ok for ourselves is a big ask, but it's doable. i have been making progress (a little!)  here's hoping for progress for you, too.  love and hugs 

[Moondance]

Thank you for the love and hugs San I felt that!

 

[Moondance]

I like silence, I enjoy silence.  I don't talk much at home or even when in conversation with someone. 


My M wanted to know everything, always. A barrage of questions. I freeze, shut down when I experience a barrage of questions. 

And thinking about it now my head feels just like that.  None stop questions, statements in my head.  It therefore makes sense that when question after question comes at me I freeze.

One of the ways I try to silence my brain is to have the TV on and play a game at the same time.  I do this a lot.