FINDING MY FEELINGS

[natureluvr]

My neighbor, the only neighbor I speak with a bit. I will call him Spin. Before my appointment today he asked I come listen (outside) to a tune he came up with on his guitar.  It was a really nice tune. I bring this up because Spin broached the topic of my lack of desire about anything.  He only knows that I'm on disability but no details. He inferred that I should pick up my boot straps, etc, etc.
I could feel my blood starting to boil.  Whether right or wrong, I dont know but I told him that this remark makes me really angry and why.  He preceded to explain an experience he had as an example of bad things done to him - in essence he was assuming what I've been through or what is or might be causing my lack of desire for life. That is what it felt like to me.

Moondance, this would make me really angry too, if it happened to me.  I've had many instances in my past, of people telling me I was a dry drunk, I was addicted to misery, and other criticisms, all blaming me for the issues and problems I have in my life. I have worked extremely hard too, to try to overcome my CPTSD.  I've had progress, but I still have a lot of issues.  People have a tendency to be very presumptuous, and I think many people are in denial about child abuse, and how badly it affects people.  I think it is wonderful that you told him this made you angry.  You were standing up for your inner child, and I'm sure he/she really appreciated that. 

[Moondance]

Thank you do much Natureluvr - I really appreciate that.  Although I feel I over reacted in that situation (I usually do) you are absolutely right; my inner child really felt that support. A really good feeling for her and I guess I should recognize that in that moment my adult self felt like an adult.  I more often than not feel like an child in an adult body.

[Moondance]

Armee and NarcKiddo,

I didn't know how to respond to your posts. I kinda went numb but want to say what a kind thing to say and thank you.

I find this flower so intricate.

 

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i get angry, too, when people tell me unhelpful, which are also at times distressing, things.  i remember being given some of these kinds of advice, 'let go and let god', 'put it in the past', 'don't be so sensitive', 'it's behind you now', etc. ad nauseum, and would always think 'don't you believe i've tried all that, have done everything i know to try to get rid of this?' they'd look at me w/ pity, or as if i didn't get it.

ugh!  not helpful!    sorry you had to go thru that.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

Thank you Sanmagic7 for relating and saying it's so unhelpful. 

 

Why my brain doesn't let go of this though? It's been a few days now and it still rolls around in my head continuously.  What the heck is that if anyone knows?  It's like a stuck album (broken record I guess) repeating itself over and over again. 

Everything I experience seems to be like that.  No wonder I don't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone.

 

[NarcKiddo]

Maybe it's rolling round because on the face of it Spin was showing friendship and concern. For sure it was clumsy, irritating and the subject matter was unwarranted. But you told him that, and stood up for your inner child, which is great. Is it possible that you are struggling with how to deal with friendly overtures? I know I do, and feel much safer not letting anyone close to me. But my therapist has said my life could be much more fulfilling if I could just try letting people in a little bit. I've started interacting with women in my gym a lot more; joining in a conversation in the changing room whereas previously I would just change and go. Spin may not be the right person to interact with on any meaningful basis. But not wanting to go anywhere or talk to anyone can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I hope I have not spoken out of turn.

 

[Armee]

What NarcKiddo said sounds pretty plausible to me, too. Also, what happened was the opposite of validation. Most people even therapists don't seem to understand that what we need to heal is validation and acceptance of us exactly as we are. Ironically that's when we can start to let go and change.

And I agree with naturlover that this would make me feel angry too...actually I know myself...it would make me feel ashamed.

You could either decide the neighbor is overall not well meaning or healthy to be around and keep it cordial and superficial, or you could decide if warranted that neighbor was well meaning and help educate him on what helps, but sometimes we just are not strong enough yet to do that. That's ok.

I'm sorry it happened. But I find when we belittle and doubt ourselves as much as we do after a lifetime of gaslighting and abuse, these comments that suggest we aren't trying hard enough can be extremely devastating. Try to remember, if it helps, that most people think reiterating we have every right to be depressed/traumatized/whatever will make it worse. Most people don't understand that validation we need helps us get over it and get better.

[natureluvr]

Why my brain doesn't let go of this though? It's been a few days now and it still rolls around in my head continuously.  What the heck is that if anyone knows?  It's like a stuck album (broken record I guess) repeating itself over and over again.

Everything I experience seems to be like that.  No wonder I don't want to go anywhere or talk to anyone.

I think this is called rumination.  I don't know if it's any comfort to you, but the same thing happens to me.  I understand how frustrating it can be.  It's my personal belief that many or most of us with CPTSD have not learned skills for emotional regulation and healthy relationships, though no fault of our own.  When something upsets us, and we can't find resolution to it, we tend to ruminate about it, because the emotions are stuck inside us, and our minds are trying to problem solve, and find some resolution.  When this happens, I have found it helpful to journal, or do something else to express the emotion.  For me, if I'm sad, crying really helps.  To express anger, I've found it helpful to beat a pillow, write the name of the person with whom I'm angry on a slip of paper and tape it to the bottom of my shoes, and stomp my feet.  These are techniques I learned in therapy.

All I say above are only suggestions, and I don't know if they will help you.  I hope I don't come across as telling you what to do, they are just things that help me.  I hope I haven't crossed a line by giving you these ideas. If I have, just let me know. 

I agree with Armee - it sounds like invalidation.  I know I get very angry and triggered when people invalidate me, becauseI've had a lifetime of it, and it's unfair, and unsupportive.  I had a so called "friend" say similar things to me a little over a year ago, and I was very angry, and it took me a while to overcome the anger. 

[sanmagic7]

moondance, along w/ everyone else's thoughts and suggestions, i also think of this stuff as trauma brain.  our minds/brains have been traumatized, the networks have been messed w/, and they don't always do what we want or what we think they should do.  there may be something at the root of it, which could be discovered and resolved.  whatever, it's irritating, annoying, frustrating, and (insert your own feelings here).  i hate it when it happens to me.  love and hugs

[Moondance]

I really appreciate the validation Sanmagic7.  It really helps and really matters to me.

I agree with you as well that it's the brain trauma.  And yes I hate it so much when it happens.  I don't like not being in control of myself.  it doesn't match up well with perfectionism at all.  I can't get things right anymore and I find that really hard.

But having the validation from you all, and that is how I feel, I'm finding I'm learning to be kinder and more gentle with myself.

[Moondance]

I woke up this morning with a disturbing thought.  That A asked Spin to have a chat with me last week.

Spin has never asked for my opinion on his music  and that is how he got me to go over to the gazebo in his yard to listen to this new tune he'd come up with.  Hence the conversation that started last week. Anyway I think Soin is avoiding me now and I'm good with that.

I summoned up enough courage to ask A if perhaps he'd asked Spin to talk to me about my depression, CPTSD, etc and he said no he doesn't talk about me to anyone. And I belive him even though parts of me says you shouldn't trust anyone.

The woman who bore me used to say to us all the time, never, never trust anyone.  She didn't tryst anyone, I don't think she trusted us either.  It just occurred to me that perhaps I went thru life trying to disprove her. I'll have to think about that some more.  I do recall making a conscious decision to trust first until proven otherwise.  I just didn't know how to protect myself, how much to trust others with. In earlier years I lived my life as an
Open book, perhaps to open, to trusting.  And now I've gone entirely the other way which is sad really.

Someone posted in another thread about something I'd said.  I did not want to respond in someone elses journal as it is their journal.  I Quote

Moondance said "I don't believe I can look after myself, my needs..." and that resonates. But if we don't even know what our needs are, because they are buried so deep, then how on earth can we go about looking after them?

This is so very true and I'm glad it was mentioned.  That is a good place for me to start, identify my needs.  Some of them I know, like basic needs such as honesty, respect, safety.  Which brings me to boundaries.  I need to sit down and figure those out and write them down. Once I know my boundaries perhaps then I can learn to stand up for myself, look after myself.

[sanmagic7]

moondance, i, too, have lived by that way of thinking about trust - i would trust someone until they give me a reason not to trust them.  unfortunately, i really didn't know too much about which 'reason' in a relationship was the one to break that trust.  boundaries, or lack of them, i think is key w/ that trust issue.  having very few - no physical abuse was the main one - others slipped right past me, i made excuses for them, i ignored them, or thought i could fix them.  hah!

i like your idea of getting your boundaries down in black and white.  i believe it'll be of great benefit to you.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Trust is such a huge topic, isn't it?

My mother always said only family could be trusted. And yet she is one of the most untrustworthy people I know.

It sounds to me like you got a good reaction from A, though. In that it does not sound like he got all huffy that you should even ask. He just reassured you that he does not talk about you to anyone.

Thinking about boundaries strikes me as a good thing to do.

[Moondance]

Yes, I believed A when he said that. He has always treated me well and been honest with me. He has respected me even when I'm all over the place. He has been consistent with me throughout.  I need to remember that.  And that is in fact why I'm able to live with him and feel somewhat safe.  It definitely would not be possible with anyone else.

In fact this is why I'm trying to help A in anyway I can even though I'm struggling myself.   He is getting older and his memory is failing him. He has been so good to me throughout the years. 

Thank you both, Sanmagic7 and NarcKiddo for relating, encouraging and so supportive.  This means a lot to me, more than I can say in words.

[Eireanne]

Hi Moondance, I know this was from a while back (I'm just now starting to be in a place where I can read other people's journals) but I agree with Natureluvr and San. People have a tendency to be very presumptuous, and look at others through their own experiences, what worked for them must work for you, what you are doing "wrong" without taking into consideration you have a very different perspective.  People tend to give advice to make themselves feel good, and it's that piece of invalidating your experience...the dismissal of what you are going through...anger is a completely valid reaction.