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 A FOO member phoned. Since I'm VVVLC not NC, it's OK sort of. I know if I had an uptodate phone, I could have ignored, but I don't.

I medium-chilled my way through, I think. Didn't offer information about me. I engaged more with the children. I feel passive though. I let this happen. Idk really what I think about it yet. One thing is: the rest of FOO might start thinking it's OK to phone. The other thing is: I don't have any feelings.

I know what FOO did to me in childhood up until early adulthood and last time I saw them, including the FOO member who phoned. They don't seem to. I speak to them as if none of that happened. I dissociate. It's the only way.

I'll be off for a few days at a friend's and think I'll take a few days of OOTS too. Shcould be back by eve of 5th or on the 6th.

The local priest's father died just before Christmas. I decided to give the priest a condolence card. Apart from writing "My condolences" I wasn't sure how to end the card. I had the impulse to write "God bless you" so I did. That's possibly totally wrong and inappropriate since it's usually the priest who says that to his flock and I presume he has a better connection to God than I do.

I haven't pulled my hair out over it though. I often self-harm when I've made a decision and then some inner voice says it was "probably wrong". Oh, that means it's ICr, not just 'some inner voice'. Instead I'm thinking that if my wording was slightly inappropriate, the priest might get a little chuckle over it. Little chuckles kindly meant are good for the world. So long as the person isn't laughing unkindly I mean.

This is huge 

While reading posts tonight, I was triggered by a word. Not the kind of word you might think, but by "maybe". "Maybe you are" or "Maybe you do" or something like that. It wasn't a response to anything of mine. It took me a while to realise that it's reminding me of M saying "Maybe you should" (do whatever). So now I have an image of her in my head. Another topic for Screen Processing - just what I wanted to do tonight - not. I've just been moving around to music, because that helps process and ground.

It won't be the first time I read "Maybe" on here. Why am I triggered today? Don't know. When I can feel distanced from this Beast called CPTSD, I can even find it faintly fascinating how it is that suddenly I'm triggered where I haven't noticed before. What's the whole situation tonight that's got me triggered? What happened earlier in the day? Is it something to do with the sage of healing I'm at? As in, am I finally halfway ready to feel this as a trigger and also work on it? Is it to do with the post I read before?? But maybe that's just my head getting in the way so I doN't feel.

I've known for a long time that "should" is a problem; now I know better why. So doing some Screen Processing might raise my tolerance for the word "should" and more particularly for the feeling of something being a useful activity that could be good to do... Whereas this feeling tends to make me go on strike internally, is mostly if not always counterproductive.

Over the past couple of days I've received Xmas cards from a few members of extended family. I've been pleasantly surprised that there have been no Flying Monkey attempts. They wish me a Merry Xmas, Happy new Year, and some add a bit of their own news but nobody has given me any news about parents and sibs, which is good, because if I wanted that I'd get it for myself.

Anger, EF, more anger:
I've been reading more on anger. There are two types. One is good to have and express - that's the type that makes set limits in the here and now and going into the future. The second type is covering up either hurt / sadness or a feeling of helplessness. It is apparently not very helpful to cover up any of these feelings with rage, which is what I've been doing in the last little while. It seemed to be a little bit helpful. I wrote an email and didn't do any self-harm, I got some energy and did some cleaning and tidying, I even washed a couple of windows, but it also got worse and worse. More rage came and I got a bit 'touchy' on subjects that aren't that important. Also I tend to start correcting people on things that aren't important, things I could just as easily let slide. Then I got a sore throat and then went down with a really bad cold. I hadn't even been yelling, but I think it started out as an 'anger' sore throat anyway.

Rage doesn't heal what's beneath it - the hurt and feeling helpless or powerless. Rage just 'helps' me to lash out with aggressive voice to or words at other people. Even if sometimes they may have been provoking a bit for whatever reason, it's not helpful for me to get into an argument about not very much. Because then I feel bad and guilty and pull back from people. I think they look at me a bit and look at each other and wonder "What's wrong with her?" And even though I wonder why a certain group of friends and acquaintances always seems to manage to make critical remarks about something particular which is very much part of my life, and they know it, really I should leave them to it. Just ignore. I'm not changing my mind much on the issue, but nor are they apparently.

FOO did this too when I was a teenager and young adult and I remained engaged with them and arguing, it just occurs to me now. So I'm repeating this behaviour now and no doubt that's why it makes me feel bad. Feeling powerless means at least in part that I'm powerless to change their minds. Of course, you always are. You can't force people to change their minds. Except in FOO the idea was to 'pick holes' in other people's arguments and the person who could use the best logic won. My powers of reasoning and logic were always disparaged, so I'm still trying to show I'm logical and not as stupid as FOO always said. In the meantime, I'm treating other people somewhat like FOO treated me. I don't think as badly and it's not all the time, but 'just' when I move into Fight modus. However, it's not good for me.

This topic has been moved to General Discussion.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8305.0

I feel like being honest today, like in a 12 Step group. Tell it like it is. Yes, I've been making progress bit by bit over the last while, and yes, today I made further progress. But still I feel i could be doing more. Step by step.

I honestly find it hard to keep going, day after day, year after year. I know some healing seems to just come by magic so to speak, once I've put it up on the Screen in T or at home, but other healing - well, I have to work at it. For that to work, I need to want to work at it. To believe that all these little steps will lead to an improved whole. An improved me? I know we're meant to believe that we're just humans and we're imperfect (as humans are) but still valuable and even lovable (yikes), but I still think there is quite a lot of amending to do in my life.

What with addictions and compulsive behaviour and depression I've developed quite a few unhealthy, non-useful traits. Like procrastinating. Sometimes that has its place; for some activities, impulses and plans, it genuinely is too early.

I also like to read a lot, like on here, but also on even less beneficial sites. But at some point - as is even in the Guidelines - it's good to step away and start and/or continue putting ideas into practice in everyday life. NTS. 

Dear G.,

Would you just lay off please?!? I've heard your comments and opinions quite enough in the last few months. It's time you kept them to yourself. You're not speaking for other people, though you seem to think you are.

You also seem to think you have some sort of responsibility for me and take it personally if I decide to do something you don't agree with. Like, if I don't sing in the choir tomorrow, that'll really bother you. Why?? I don't even sing the same voice as you! I know you think I joined choir because of you, but actually I didn't. It was on somebody else's recommendation. So you can stop feeling responsible if I don't turn up!

Friends who take my behaviour personally when it has nothing to do with them but rather to do with choices for my own healing won't remain friends. That's my experience. At some point I tell them where to get off.

Even if you had CPTSD you wouldn't know what's best for me.  As it is, you have quite frankly no idea. So it's time to turn your attention on to some other person / event.

Dear D.W.,

I am bitterly disappointed that you refused to stand up and simply say "I agree with Blueberry." I realise I have to accept that you refused to do so even though you did agree with me and were happy to spend time complaining about what I was brave enough to stand up and try to end.

But how on earth could you think it was OK to then criticise me for stepping down from my post?? I desperately needed all the background criticisers - which includes you! - to stand up for me. You didn't, the others didn't.

I'm so angry about this!!  How on earth can anybody be expected to end what is basically corruption in a group on their own when nobody else will stand up for them openly?? I told you in advance that that's what I needed. As I said, I have to accept that you wouldn't stand up for me, though that is hard. But no way can I accept your criticism of me for stepping down!! I am so angry! 

Blueberry

Hello,

I'd like to add an avatar of blueberries on the bush but I don't know how to download and make sure it's a 'free' one. How can I tell?

Thanks in advance. 

Today that thought went through my head: "Might as well do yourself in." I countered immediately with: "That's an EF" and the thought was gone. This is progress for me. 

This topic has been moved to Treatment - General because more appropriate.

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8370.0

My present T explained something useful to me yesterday, which might help others too. He works a lot with imagery and this is really helpful to me. My translation of T's words might sound a bit unscientific so bear with me.

Our CPTSD is a biological neural network, and it's like a huge inflatable doll. Wherever we start work on it, it loses air, reduces in size and power, and till it finally crumples up and falls down leaving the outer casing deflated on the ground where it has next to no power over us anymore.

It really doesn't matter where we start to work on it, so it's good to start at the easiest place, for us. The least triggering. Something that won't bowl us over backwards for months. Apparently we don't even have to look at and process every last piece of trauma and retraumatisation we've ever experienced. Because the inflatable doll will hit the ground before we get that far. This is a relief for me quite frankly. My inflatable doll isn't crumpled up on the ground yet, but definitely a lot smaller, a lot less full of air. Sometime, my inflatable doll will fall. My T didn't say, and I didn't ask, but I'm sure that I'm over the half-way mark in processing.

A continuation of Three Good Things a Day, which grew to 21 pages

Original thread can be found here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=6252.0

Officially, IC is inner child and ICr is inner critic.

I would like to remind all posters of this distinction. It is not always clear when IC is used for Inner Critic. I found the swapping of these acronyms especially confusing when i was new on the forum. Also some of us have ICs (Inner Children) who are critical, they're not always sweet little lambs. So a critical sounding quote could be from an IC, not necessarily from an ICr.

[had]

I read on OOTF about abusers moving the goal posts. For a long time I didn't know what that meant. Despite examples, I couldn't think what that could mean in my life. Till something resurfaced yesterday. As a young adult I told B1 some of the verbal abuse he'd poured all over me in earlier years, and he said "You should've told me then! You should've told me to stick my opinion." You should've done this, you should've done that... Seemingly not having a clue even in hindsight that he would have parried any remark or defence of mine with something else, always making me out to be the one with the problem because I didn't come up with the solution he's coming up with now. And that I undoubtedly had told him then.

1) I told a neighbour today that, no, I'm not copying his private papers on my business printer/copier. Even though I know that some people may see this as nit-picking, but I know why I'm doing this both for me as a private person and for me in my self-employed space. I didn't self-harm afterwards, I didn't even have the impulse to do so! 

2) Today I also didn't hesitate to move various items out of my business space (outside my office door but interfering with door opening, name plate, door bell etc). Well, I hardly hesitated. But compared to all the soul-searching I went through before claiming this area as mine not to be used by all and sundry in the building for God-knows-what a number of months ago, this is huge progress.

3) Yesterday I stuck up a nice notice in the basement on the door of my new allotted space asking neighbours not to put garbage containers in front of it. It's actually always been my allotted space, it's just that a previous tenant in the building occupied it and once told me that it was actually mine    I never managed to ask for it back but I did manage to take it over when she moved out. She used to have a note on the door too saying 'don't block please'.

4) I do a lot of colouring-in in adult colouring books (one of my self-soothing methods) and it's one of these pictures I've put up with my message added. This is progress too. I'm showing this part of me outside my apartment and I'm also adding some colour to the basement / decorating / beautifying. Felt good afterwards, didn't feel like self-harming. 

I don't have the time or energy to word a letter so lobbing a couple of hand grenades at FOO  one each to the major parties.

Was so angry last night at all the injustice done to me by FOO I could n't sleep properly and now I need to prepare for a client.

for anybody for whom financial dependence on FOO is a topic, or for people who - yikes - even still have to live with FOO, or have had to go back to doing so, some of what I wrote / vented here http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=8150.0 might be relevant.

I don't know how long I'll leave it up because not the best if FOO read it and recognised me .... Having said that, I usually end up leaving my posts up anyway.