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That sounds a little hopeful, anyway. I like the way you say "neutrally hopeful". I understand being nervous. I know you have to wait a little still, but I hope this ends up being at least half-way helpful.

 

Like it's a forgotten memory trying to communicate itself to me, but I don't know what it's trying to tell me.

I wonder if you had any more realisations about this? Or if as a vent it didn't really matter to you, maybe just good to get off your chest?

In addition to

I guess one thing that helps though is knowing our minds are trying to work through things that need to be worked through. Even if we can't remember the dream or the memory enough

which I second, I'll say from my own experience that sometimes our minds are protecting us by not allowing us to really remember the nightmare and/or make a connection. At some later time when you're maybe a bit better healed in just some aspect, or maybe when you're in a safer place literally or figuratively, you might suddenly know what it's trying to tell you.

I think also that sometimes things heal to some extent down in the subconscious without ever making themselves known, or not making themselves known till this some extent is past. Hope this makes sense.

I'm sorry to read you're going through this, NK! How rude and inappropriate and totally unprofessional of the art teacher to speak that way about you behind your back to another student!

...if I have done something wrong or been too reticent I might benefit from knowing for future reference.

Reading it, I doubt you've done anything wrong. So-called 'normal' people often know a lot less than we with cptsd do, at least in my experience. What would they do? Ignore it, not say anything, but possibly not be able to get past it. During stays with various people after I broke my ankle, I discovered how much 'normal', 'psychologically healthy' people are not quite as healthy as they think shall we say and that oftentimes I sense and feel a lot better than they do. I bet you do too. As for the teacher, who knows? I go back to - I doubt you're doing anything wrong, he's probably got some bugbear / bee in his bonnet so I'm not sure you could learn anything from him.    Unless similar comes up often between you and somebody in his kind of position?

If you feel up to it, I'd call him out, but that might just be me... Some people probably would not do so, cuz they'd say - come on, you're never going to see him again     but I'd say: call him out, I mean just because you're not going to see him again as of the next academic year, you still have a few classes left to sit there wondering and/or working to banish the thoughts from your head. Why not call him out? He has no power over you. In my case, calling somebody like that out would help Little Blueberries. Would it help a Little NK or Adult NK? Could be potentially healing? Then I'd definitely do it.

Hope this helps, ignore if not.

   I know we're only here virtually, but we are here and we care. Unfortunately, we can't help in any direct way, but maybe it helps you a little to know that at least some of us understand?

I know from my own experience how very hard it is to be still stuck in a dysfunctional, traumatising family, stuck living with them because of not yet having a job to pay the rent and other living costs, maybe also saddled with student loans to be repaid. Also with a sibling in the family who threatened me, who I was frightened of for good reason. My heart goes out to you. I'm now in my 50's so long time ago but up until maybe 4-5 years ago I still had nightmares of being back with them and not being able to move out because I couldn't find any job. So you see the impact it had. So, I remember that impact now too and my heart goes out to you doubly. 

Unfortunately I don't have a golden fairy story to tell you about how it all panned out much, much better... I did eventually get student jobs in my holidays and eventually got a job in my field after graduating, but it's not been totally easy. At least you are in therapy now (I didn't have that then, wasn't available) and I hope that helps you on the road to enough recovery to get a job to tide you over enough to move out.

If it appeals to you, I think there might be a third Zoom Group starting on the forum, being run by Kizzie https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16607.msg153836#msg153836
I'm in Zoom Group no. 2 and I do find it helpful in keeping loneliness at bay because I'm not managing friendships irl very well atm either.

My therapist told me to look at the facts before, since they can be distorted, but this is the facts. I'll never be strong enough to defend myself.

It may have seemed that way for a long time and it still may seem that way, but that could change! Once you're well on the road to healing, surprising things can happen for the better.

I hope you're feeling a little more stable than last week. As Kizzie said, if you're actively suicidal you need to speak to somebody IRL who can support you in the moment. For other support, we are here 

I'm sorry your sister behaves this way to you and your mother doesn't take it seriously.

I really don't get why she's so obsessed with hurting me. I fear maybe I did something mean to her as kids I can't recall and now she wants  to punish me forever or something. Weird.

If you had done something mean to her when you were kids, I'm guessing she's old enough now to speak up about that and ask for what she needs e.g. an apology instead of ambushing you and getting physical. Then the two of you could lay it to rest.

I doubt that that is what it is, though. My elder brother was physically abusive to me through most of my childhood and teenage years. My parents didn't take it seriously even though they saw it happen some of the time. Dysfunctional families are like that unfortunately.

I'm glad you're able to write about it here at least.

I had some help finishing making a herb bed on Monday. It's quite shallow so not ideal but that's where LL said I could put my herbs. He plainly doesn't want me digging up lawn to make myself a proper new deeper bed. While my help was there, we went to the local DIY/garden centre and got a bunch of bags of soil, more than I could ever carry on the cargo bike in one go, plus 2 fairly small plastic raised beds. I know people make their own out of wood, but forget that, it would probably take me about 2-3 years to get round to that, or quite likely never get round to it. My help also removed my flowering plants from part of a bed that's in part of the garden that's in the process of being sold and will be a building site at the latest next spring, but maybe even this fall. I really needed help with that because I can't yet dig on account of my ankle which is still healing. Most of those flowers are now in my herb bed or in a mini-bed just beside it.

It's now Thursday and I've been doing more gardening on my own both today and yesterday. Actually apart from the necessary watering of newly planted or re-planted herbs and flowers, housework would have been much more important, but I prefer gardening. Must have been last week or so, I discovered a mini-plantation of wild strawberries on the property of the empty building next door and I've been picking and eating them, as well as the wild strawberries on this property. Nobody else uses them. Today I also picked some raspberries, since they're beginning to ripen. They're basically wild as well. They're mostly in the part of the property that is in the process of being sold and will be a building site. I like having berries to pick - good for my inner (hunter/)gatherer. I've done quite a bit of work in communal parts of the garden, mostly small jobs which LL tends not to notice and/or he notices only what I haven't done. Such is life.

My newly planted/re-planted herbs and flowers are doing well, which was not a given. Moving them in the middle of a heatwave is not the best time, but that's when I had arranged with my help to do so. Actually a self-employed guy who can help with handyman stuff, and did so for me after my move, as well as gardening plus some other stuff I fortunately don't need help with (yet). Anyway, filling watering cans and lugging them over has paid off. And LL had better be happy that that part of the garden looks much better now! I'm certainly happy, it was worth finally paying somebody to complete it. There are still some free spots including in most of the raised beds, where I can plant/sow more flowers or herbs or maybe even one of the quick-growing lettuces whose leaves you keep harvesting rather than the whole plant. It's probably not too late in the growing season yet.

Welcome to the forum! It's a good supportive place. I think we do more empathy here than sympathy.

You could possibly start saying something like this to your T?

I'm very shy when it comes to talking about intimacy and I even don't really like to say words like 'sex' around others

plus add the weird comments from your father.

If you're shy about intimacy and wish you weren't, that's a legitimate topic for therapy, whether or not there is/was abuse. If you start exploring the topic very gently with your T - I mean just talking - it may become clear to you whether there's likely to be trauma behind it, for ex. if your mind goes blank or you have other reactions of that sort or go into an EF, then it's probably not just you being 'normally shy'.

You don't actually have to have been assaulted to have been SA'd. 'just' being touched counts, as do inappropriate sexual remarks, being forced to watch inappropriate behaviour / films /magazines etc. There may well have been assaults too, you could have forgotten them or they're hidden in your subconscious for protection. You wouldn't be the first for that to happen to.

How much you say when also depends on how much you know and trust your T, how long you've been with your T.

There is CSA in my past, but it's not the most obvious kind and I was disbelieved by some Ts, particularly a couple of decades ago. So, my advice is to go slowly, not unpack everything at once.

maybe those lovely conversations kind of blew your circuits, blueberry.  things might have simply been too much 'good' for you and you're needing some time to process, allow the good feelings from them to sink in, and finally be ok with them. 

That is possible, you know. I used to act quite strongly that way. Probably goes back to FOO being very disapproving of anybody being kind to me or supporting me in any way that they considered dangerous to the status quo, or sometimes more than FOO being disapproving, sometimes they were downright emotionally abusive and/or neglectful.

it's more related to not feeling like my body is strong enough.

I agree with Armee that that makes perfect sense.

I have a lot of problems with my body when triggered, but different from yours which is why I didn't respond yesterday when I saw your post. I think I'd better not try and list them now, my body is getting itchy at the thought, so triggered mildly at the thought.

I don't think I have ever mentioned a symptom of mine here on the forum without at least one person saying they have that too. So I'm sure there'll be a least one other person with your symptom here, even if they don't see and respond to your post.

So what changed? What happened? Nothing feels worth it this morning. I just want to go back to bed.

Showering would be a good idea, it would even help my skin not feel so itchy I think. But showering is often difficult. Not sure if that alone makes me want to go back to bed.

  Armee

Thank you for your support asdis.
No, I haven't noticed citalopram making me more dissociative.