Messages

If I slow down any more I'll start moving backwards...But thanks thanks thanks, support is so helpful.

The feeling of going backwards in healing or moving backwards because so slow is pretty common around here too. 25 years ago I was told I needed to do less. I couldn't believe it because I was already doing way less than other adults my age, I mean I couldn't even clean one room in my apt all in one go, never mind the whole apt the way my age group did back then. Little did I know that for some reasons that I'm still not clear on I was being triggered and my energy disappeared at the mere thought of cleaning. The more I followed the "do less" (for a lot more examples than cleaning my apt), the sicker I seemed to get, my ability/energy/wherewithal to do whatever got less and less... As crazy as it may sound, doing less and less was still the answer in my case. The less-and-less might not be the answer in yours but the slow-and-slower-and-even-more-slowly might be in your case.

As Armee says, there are better days ahead. She's right, it does get better!! Probably not 100%, certainly not in my case, but better. Just as baby steps count in active healing (what I do in and out of therapy), it's good to look for and notice the tiny shifts that come to each of us over time during recovery. If you don't notice these yourself, in time forum mbrs will notice and let you know. We're often perceptive of other mbrs' progress while not noticing our own.

  Hi Hope,

it's nice to see you back. I'm sorry you're having difficult or sad, painful dreams but I'm happy for you that you can see the good side there, that you're processing some things.

 

I'm sorry things are so difficult atm, woodsgnome

The voices of your abusers can just pipe down. May you hear birdsong instead! And continue enjoying the sunlight.

You are one of the good people, woodsgnome. You bring so much care and comfort to us here on the forum and you bring insights and I personally like your language-usage and that nature flows into your posts too. May you absorb some of the healing energy from OOTS today. 

This phase, hard though it is atm, will pass.

Perhaps someone has information or feedback about this idea: Neurological development in principle begins at conception. Thus it stands to reason that trauma will have a different effect or outcome depending at which stage of neurological development the trauma begins. Trauma at age 30 will have certain differences compared to trauma at age 15. I think the earlier trauma begins in an individual, that is to say in-utero or very early infancy, the impact is significant regarding the stage that the brain is at in its development. 

  absolutely.

The earlier traumatisation takes place, the more of a cumulative bad effect it has on child development. Say you're traumatised at 3yo and dissociating half the time to survive, there's a lot of emotional and relational development that's going to pass you by. But both are very important building blocks for your continuing emotional and relational development! Also lots of us (maybe all of us) have all sorts of unhelpful habits and behaviour patterns we learnt and discovered in order to survive emotionally in our FOOs. They can be very deeply ingrained and it's a lot harder to catch up on all that emotional and relational development stuff and find behaviour patterns later as an adult during and around bouts in therapy. I know, I've been working on this stuff / being on the healing path for decades and I'm not the only one who's ever posted on the forum in that situation.

I hope all that made sense too!

I think in-utero trauma is very real, and it seems to make sense that this would impact many other aspects of the mind-body relationship.

Oh yes, it's real. I honestly don't know if there are any qualified/respected researchers of trauma who disagree on that, I really have no idea. If there were disagreers, I would say to them - a fetus can hear what's going on in the environment its mother is in, by the time a baby is born he/she knows their mother's voice. I know this through language development - the baby doesn't just recognise their mother's voice, he/she also recognises the language, their mother tongue so to speak. Doesn't understand cognitively but there's linguistic brain development going on in-utero. That baby can then also hear any raised, angry voices and other forms of violence I won't go into. Apparently when the baby is in-utero he/she is very attuned to the mother's moods and will absorb them, so if the mother is in a difficult or traumatising situation especially over time, the baby kind of absorbs that. Not to mention any physical harm the mother goes through - that obviously affects the baby in utero too.

I think in-utero trauma is very real, and it seems to make sense that this would impact many other aspects of the mind-body relationship. To be brief, it seems trauma also fits the description of a spectrum. And maybe that spectrum is amongst other things, dependent upon the neurological developmental stage of the individual when the trauma actually starts or happens.

All sounds very plausible. As you say amongst other things because the development of cptsd within the brain is probably pretty complicated.

My T didn't say, and I didn't ask, but I'm sure that I'm over the half-way mark in processing.

Oh to be so optimistic! I think it is unlikely that I was at the half-way mark then. I wouldn't even dare to guess if I'm there now!

Welcome to the forum, Kcrystal2!

I'm sorry about all what you have gone through. And then those words/opinions on "you just need to get your act together" or similar      That's not how we see it here, we know differently.

Seeing as you need some support, I am glad you found us at OOTS and I hope you find this forum as helpful and welcoming as I and many others have found it. 

I'm doing well with the meditations from the course. I do them after I get up and have taken my first meds. I'm surprised (!) but it's easier to get out of bed for this non-early bird when I have my meditation to look forward to.

On Monday I planned an exception for some concrete reasons and didn't do my meditation till late afternoon. By the time I did it, I was all over the place - thoughts jumping here and there. There are a few possible reasons for that, so I'm going to keep them in mind and see if there's some clarity about that sometime.

I enjoyed my day for the most part today. I did get a bit tired physically, which is not so enjoyable, but it's also nothing terrible.

In occup. therapy, my therapist was late - very unusual, in fact the first time ever. Me - late, that's not so unusual. I used the waiting time to write something in my paper Journal that I really wanted to write before I forgot and then I did a bunch of EFT (tapping), partly because of having to wait - that kind of ruffled the feathers of some part of me, tho in my head it wasn't a big deal. Feelings (including from the past) versus thoughts. I know occ.T well enough to know that this isn't going to become a trend and also to know that it had nothing whatsoever to do with me. Once I get going, my hands went straight into gloopy paint and onto paper. I yawn a lot, something gets released or at least there's some emotional movement, altho I don't know so far what cognitively. It doesn't matter, I don't always have to know.

I ran some errands - or attempted to - in the afternoon, which included having a nice walk along the local river. It's chilly, but no rain or sleet, in fact there was the occasional glimpse of sun. I was really tired in the late afternoon/early evening but I decided to go to choir practice anyway, tho I did waver in my decision-making, but then finally: choir practice! I haven't been for a couple of weeks, but we're singing on Sunday and I'll be singing too. I can manage that now - one practice and then sing with the rest.

So today I was involved with art and music    They're both good for me, but sometimes difficult too.

My new trauma T emailed that she's sick this week, so no appt this week after all, is that OK? Fortunately I'm doing fairly well this week, so just think to myself "Not an awful lot I or my new T could do about it if it wasn't OK!"

Infancy trauma here too. But I don't want to write it out this evening, don't feel up to it. It will be in other posts of mine or my Journals. Just saying - yup, it exists.

Yeah sorry, I should have worded differently. These things are always free during the 5-day period (or however long) the presentations are running. Then they cost money.

I am as utterly lost as I have ever been. I literally don't know what to do except doing as little as possible. I live on this forum. I literally live on this forum. I keep rereading stuff, I keep rereading my own posts, I keep searching in old posts. ... This forum has almost become my only support. I try to participate and support others but I feel I'm not that good at supporting others right now. Maybe that's my inner critic. ...  When what I really need right now is to be held, hugged, loved by the woman I broke up with eight months ago. I so desperately need to be loved. And I so deeply feel utterly unworthy of being loved.

Me again. I'm responding to this because I hear you, hear your desperation. I'm not worried for your life or anything like that. We used to have a "Very Difficult Day" thread on the forum, not anymore for various reasons, but if we still had it, this post of yours would belong on it and you'd get the support mbrs can give - being read, acknowledged       
As well as reminders because it's easy to not be able to reach this knowledge when in a semi-permanent EF: Of course you are worthy of being loved; hard to believe, but this state you are in will change, it will get better, you will come back out and see that the Storm has lessened. 8-force wind is not pleasant but better and a little safer than 10-force.

Please do not feel that you need to respond to others on the forum rn, especially not in order to support others! When you are able to, you will. If you want to, an emoji is more than enough. What I'm saying is: Here on this forum, you don't have to support others in order to get support yourself when you're in a really bad way.

I also hear that in spite of everything, you are actively trying   - thinking about bike ride, doing a little meditation. It really is OK to do nothing, to just allow yourself to recuperate and rest! Other possibilities that can help: Note one Good Thing per Day. Or one instance of Joy per Day. (Or more of course.) There are threads on the forum which can give you ideas of what a Good Thing or a Joy could be. It's not positive-thinking, it's focussing the mind for a couple of minutes on something soothing, non-triggering, possibly even emotionally-strengthening for YOU. These tools are very useful for me, they may not be for you. It's also OK to ignore my suggestion - it's all OK. It is also perfectly OK to more or less live on the forum. Some mbrs don't - nice for them. Others need it. It's a support for you - use it!

Hello meanwhileup,

Welcome to the forum   You don't need an official diagnosis to be a member here. Nor do you need to have had a breakdown, although lots of us have.

I'm sorry you had a difficult childhood. Children can be traumatised by neglect not just by abuse. Even if the neglect came through parental illness - still not enough of your totally normal childhood needs were met.

It's a very supportive forum here, I hope you'll find that too.

Also don't worry, I don't see any oversharing in your first post or even a reason for a trigger warning tbh. This forum is very gentle, if you overstep, especially as a newbie but for all members really, nothing bad is going to happen to you, your post will be moderated a little and you'll get a PM but no flashing red lights or other triggering stuff.

1) I did my meditation
2) I took my meds
3) I made it into town centre before noon and experienced some flow - one good thing followed another, none of which would have happened if I hadn't gone out of the house after all!
4) On and off     is better than none at all, especially when unexpected

https://trustingaftertraumasummit.com/

For survivors of Childhood Narc Abuse.

By Dr. Meg Haworth and others.

I got notification of this, I'm not signing up, but others on here might be interested.

  

I've signed up - might watch a thing or two.