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Just making the commitment to stop reading on here (or anywhere else) for the next few hours and go and do one of the things I really need to do. 

My dreams sent me for a loop today, but reflecting on them, I realised there has been progress. For months I've had on and off dreams about suddenly being at the FOO family home unable to move out because I couldn't find a job to pay the rent. In those dreams I was always pretty confused: What on earth am I doing back here??? And I felt hopeless and stuck and like I'd felt as a teen or young adult. Certainly not the way I feel now.
Last night was new. I went round to where my parents live now, peered in the windows and decided "No, thanks." and left. I felt like the adult I am now. The rest of the dreams weren't quite so peachy. But progress in one topic is good!

     Got a letter today from medical insurance agreeing to pay for more therapy!

For whatever reason in my dream I allowed myself to be put in a situation which could trigger me. It took place in a therapeutic setting even. Instead of saying "I can't do this" which I have been able to do in T settings for a long time and for a few years IRL in this particular sort of situation (which I don't want to detail in case I trigger anybody else),  I went along with it and got triggered. I knew that in T setting in an emergency you could say, or better, yell "Stop!" and that would be a clear signal for the other person to disengage. I tried yelling that and also "No!"  but no sound came out of my mouth. I did then manage to fight myself out of the situation and woke up.

It seems the dream came about because of an unrelated incident IRL today which I wrote about in my Recovery Journal. At least on the surface it's unrelated but deeper down there are connections...

I started this post in Recovery from CPTSD / Set Backs. I titled it: Steps forward, Step back. But then decided really it should be the beginning of a Recovery Journal especially since I'm writing my inner dialogue further down.   
The past couple of days I've been doing so well IRL, getting on with things. Even this morning that was the case and then suddenly I plummeted this afternoon, and went to bed, my alarm set. I slept too, so that's OK but then got up briefly and then  went back to bed again and didn't re-set my alarm. Which isn't so good. I do have a list to hand (right by my bed) of Today's Could Do Things, which includes fun things too not just chores. But instead of having a quick look and staying up and doing one of the easiest or funnest activities, I went back to bed.

Had I attempted to do too much? I did mention to a possible employer that I could work one morning a week starting April. Yes, as I write that, it's clear that was the problem. Instead of going back to bed, what could have been a more useful internal dialogue? I've merely inquired about the job, that doesn't mean I have to take it if it looks as if it might be too many hours after all or for one reason or another too difficult. But I have done similar work before and it was a welcome break from my profession because so different. Non-sedentary, outside in the fresh air, work including at times of year when my profession tails off for a bit.

And most important to remember: the employer is not FOO and I am not a dependent child. I wouldn't be - what's the word??? (that problem again) - completely defenseless. OK now I understand. Worries about turning SG there as well.  So again I say to myself it is different though, as an adult I can leave if I have to. Not like a dependent child in a FOO who can only leave alive by dissociation or by being removed, but the latter wouldn't have happened in my case. And it's not necessarily a forever job, maybe just 6 months to give me a bit more income at a time I need some. Also it's good to ask and try and then see. If I discover before I even start that thisn't the right time for this job, then I can turn it down.

With worries about turning SG in my subconscious or unconscious mind, I can understand why my energy plummeted and why I went back to bed the second time.

Whether subconscious or unconscious is pretty irrelevant, I know what I mean and this is a space where I can let worries about wrong word/spelling/ grammar go.

I'm back on my feet now. Even before posting on here I did a few small jobs from my list. So I got back on my feet pretty fast. Good job, Blueberry. 

I'm not quite sure where to put this post, but since it's about an idea I have for my own recovery at the moment, I'm putting it in here.

OOTS - you guys are great! I've learned so much reading on here almost daily for a month. I can tell that being in this community is helping me along in therapy too. You are also so supportive. I think that's beginning to help me with some more self-compassion. I learn a lot commenting too, because my comments to you all tell me something about me too. Often it's something that's not even clear to me until I've formulated it for you.

However, I think I'm spending too much time on here. There are so many things IRL that I ought to be getting on with, from doing the taxes to filling in other important forms to making my rat's nest of a bed into a properly made bed that IRL I feel  with all this stuff to do. Best get on with it. Bit by bit. Otherwise the falling-bricks effect will backfire on me.

So I'm declaring this here because that will help me stick to it. This doesn't mean I won't be on here at all, but I aim to spend less time here for a while, less time reading other posts and commenting on them. Maybe being more selective, just reading and commenting where that's really my deal or really my topic at the moment. 

In an answer I wrote a couple of minutes ago to somebody else's post I mentioned that I "fortunately" don't have much contact to my M (as in 'mother'). I noticed right away how I kind of seized up inside. Forgot to breathe briefly, tensed up, maybe even a quick freeze. That just shows me how deeply ingrained the FOO message is: no criticism of M allowed, removing myself from M not allowed, existing in my own right and feeling relieved that I now have a noticeable boundary is not allowed.

And as for expressing all of that, well it's still really hard. Partially I'm worried that somebody in FOO could read my post, although there's probably way less than 1% chance of any of my FOO members ending up here or on any other website for people healing from C-PTSD, and even if they did, they probably wouldn't have the self-awareness to recognise themselves and their behaviour. If they did have the self-awareness, then theoretically it would be good that they finally heard my side. Theoretically. But somehow it frightens me anyway, the idea of being found out. Ooops, yes, there's a memory. Not really a new one.

I finally had a shower and washed my hair yesterday, as I've posted elsewhere.

It wasn't till the evening and I was reading back in my diary that in a similar phase in the fall (real problems with self-care and especially showering - just the thought of it - was really exhausting, plus just staying in bed or if out of bed then eating unhealthily/too much, self-injury etc etc)  I realised it was mixed up with CSA which we'd briefly touched on in therapy. Then I sank all the memories, my explanations, T's remarks, the work we'd done on it... into a bank vault. And I really forgot that we'd ever touched on the topic. 
So the realisation: something similar has been going on this past week too. I don't even remember if the CSA topic came up again in my mind. Being forgetful can be quite useful at times.    Oh, yeah, it did come up, I was thinking it's maybe time I got onto this topic in T since I don't have many hours left.
So I've been in an EF which I can sort of function in but which makes the simplest sounding activities really difficult. Also self-motivation really hard. This realisation helps me not be so hard on myself, so critical.

CSA is the one topic where I still dissociate when I just think of it. I haven't admitted to myself, acknowledged how devastating it has been. It wasn't as bad as most people had. I could've misunderstood something.      Though I didn't of course. The body keeps the score. I haven't even read that book, but the title is very apt.

I'm grateful I have a place to write this.

Yesterday my T mentioned that I can't expect anybody in my FOO to protect me from anyone else in my FOO, that it's me who has to do that. I'm still working on implementing that, but yes, I know it's true. I finally realised that last summer. But still this comment threw me. I don't blame my T for saying it, I mean we have  been working on a major set of FOO problems including this since the summer. It's probably time for a few gentle suggestions.

But my inner critic goes haywire with: you're so useless, you haven't realised that yet (on your own); everything's your fault anyway; everything that went on in the summer (with FOO) is your fault.
I do see in my mind which member(s) of my FOO came up with these sorts of remarks even beyond my childhood. It's certainly not my T saying these! It's more that he's warning me: your family is not going to change! Your brother sounds pretty insensitive so you have to stop him as soon as he starts off with some remark or a topic: "NO! I don't want to hear it."

OK that's helped me to write it down, especially what my T is really saying. Before, I read a bit on here what others of you do with your inner critics but it wasn't very helpful, not at this moment, and nor were my own attempts in the same vein last night (basically shutting the critic out, even if just temporarily).

Having written that, I come to a new realisation: it's a question of shame for me. I feel ashamed because I feel that my therapist criticised me for  something I should have known. Since I didn't know it or act on it that means I'm stupid. And when you're stupid according to my FOO, you really have to be ashamed of that. (I teach and don't act that way towards my students, but towards myself, yes, well...)

I'm very grateful for having a place to write this, where nobody is judgemental. It's somehow different from writing in my own diary. If I'd tried to write it in my diary, I would've blocked far more, probably not come to those realisations so fast. Also I'm pretty judgemental towards myself. I hope I'm not towards others here, I try not to be.

Found this forum yesterday. Just what I need. I have CPTSD, starting in early childhood. Emotional/psychological/verbal abuse from both parents and older brother; physical from mother and older brother; se...l from mother. Have to wonder when I write that why I still have contact, tho contact is much reduced. Only allow emails. 

I read posts yesterday on no contact and low contact. These were helpful.  I have instigated spells of NC before. I discovered last summer that my FOO haven't really changed. That was really hard, devastating to feel again what I felt as a child. The abandonment.

I have trouble writing and I often feel inarticulate.

I have been either in therapy or working on myself without therapy for about 20 years. CPTSD was originally my own diagnosis but a multitude of doctors and therapists have since agreed with me on that. I'm in trauma therapy now. It took a long time to find a trauma therapist at all in my backwoodsy place and then even longer to find one I could work with.

Well, that's enough for now.