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I'm in total agreement with you Rizzo.

I absolutely agree. As hard as it is to face and talk about I truly believe that silence is a million times more destructive. And the more I open up and talk about my abuse, the easier it gets for me AND I get better at communicating in a way that brings people closer as apposed to alienating. We on the front line (CPTSD-conscious) have to help those still locked away in a shame that is not of their making. There is in reality no shame. When that finally sinks in EVERYTHING changes. And that's when healing really starts.

Yes... Speaking up is taking things in hand, acknowledging, saying Truth. Even better than anger, stating the true past is so important. The complexity of forgiveness is difficult to unravel and different in each case. But what impresses me is how far you have come in acknowledging and talking about your trauma. And in public!!! Congratulations so much. I think it's a huge sign of progress.

Wow Papa Coco... Thank you for that history and everything woven around it. It resonates deeply with me. I'm reading It Didn't Start With You but it is sooo much information and I'm struggling to process it all. Your personal story is much more accessible and there are some distinct similarities in my own family history. Your post possibly makes me see my mother a little differently. And oddly I just saw her tonight by video-telephone. Your story hints at a kind of closure for you (if I understand correctly). I hope that translates into a more profound peace for you, parallel to the healing you so rightly merit. Thanks again and sending hugs. -Chart

Hello Juliann, Welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to read of your past and the abuse you suffered.

Perhaps like you, I "discovered" the concept of cptsd recently, for me about a year ago. I remember clearly the astounding feeling I felt as the slow but inexorable illumination blossomed in my mind: FINALLY here was an explanation for why I was struggling so terribly all of my life. And it made sense. Finally... what a relief that discovery was for me.

You say that you are ready to heal. I believe you have come to one of the few right places. Only those who have directly experienced traumatic childhood abuse are capable of fully understanding our situation. I have easily learned more here than from forty years of therapy and self-work. I have also made progress in the past four-five months that I know is not just symptom oriented. This work is harder than anything else out there. We are literally breaking down, reorganizing, and rebuilding neural connections and networks that were created from the earliest moments of our existence. For me, everything about Developmental Trauma makes sense AND hits directly home. And almost no one I know in my personal life has any idea about any of this. But the people on this forum understand perfectly. And are helping me beyond words. I hope you too can find the things you are seeking. My experience is yes, but of course you will have to come to your own conclusions. But you're clearly ready to continue your healing journey. And that's what this forum is entirely about. Welcome.

 

 

Dollyvee, I've been reading your posts and am impressed at the work you're doing. I identify and relate to so much of what you relate. Love is such a complex subject. What it is, why we feel what we feel around it. I broke with a really deep love for someone in September of last year. She deeply hurt me aand I cracked completely. I immediately regretted it and tried to repair the relationship. But it was at that point that the "reality" of my trauma really took form. And faced with that reality of the "new me" my girlfriend said no. She offered friendship, but I in turn realized I was in total fantasy-bond... It was a clear microcosm of my primal trauma. Now Im reliving my infancy and the absence of love. My ex and my biological father have simply merged and the same scenario has repeated (even my bio-dad offered friendship twenty years later. I rejected that too.) So unraveling all my feelings and forces around my trauma has been hellish and revelatory. I guess that's what healing is all about. Stay the course. Thanks for your stories and for sharing. I started the narm book Healing Dev Trauma. Gotta find time to keep reading. Sending support!!!

Rizzo, Here is my attempt to answer this thread's (your) question, using rationale and science. (Though I am aware this might change very little on our emotional  level.)

First, I think it is very difficult (especially in the beginning) for good people to understand evil behavior. And that makes sense. Moral, conscious, emotional and empathic personalities are by definition relatively naive and ignorant of cruelty, especially during their developmental stages. (But of course this ignorance can change with time and learning.)

I don't believe the general model of an individuals' behavior is to directly repeat what has been witnessed and learned. This can be the case but I think it's actually more complex.

So that is to say I don't believe abusers are simply repeating what was done to them. But I do believe most abusers were themselves traumatized in one form or another.

It seems clear now that developmental trauma leads to deep layers of unconscious pain that can fester and mutate in an individual. This produces driving forces in the brain that will probably almost always seek some form of relief to the suffering, pain or imbalance in the equilibrium of the unconscious. (Here's where Attachment Theory comes into play and is extremely important in fleshing out just what exactly is the imbalance and where exactly is the suffering coming from...)

But... put simply, the brain is just a machine AND no two brains are going to develop the same in circumstances of trauma. Already the specific trauma will always be contextually different.

So why did this happen to you?

Because some brains will seek relief from pain in certain ways that other brains will not.

Why did this happen to you (or any of us)?

I think the hardest part of this for me is accepting the fact that there is no right answer to this, it was just unfair and not my fault and it´s so frustrating sometimes.

I agree with Dalloway. There is no "right" answer. Chance... pure cosmic crazy chance... roll of the dice... No logic, pure luck... luck? Bad luck? Here I'm okay to get mystical But that is another subject...

BUT REMEMBER, very important: your brain is NOT like your abusers' brains...

Is anyone here on this CPTSD forum traumatizing their children or others? No.

Trigger Warning
Is anyone on this CPTSD Forum, sexually abusing, beating, insulting, demeaning, controlling and/or ignoring their children? Or other children? Or anyone? For years? For decades?
No.
End Trigger Warning

Being aware of CPTSD is already an enormous indicator of just how sane and morally healthy we are. (And that is not arrogance, it's simple fact.)

And still even more strange we seem to be doing all the suffering. We will never know if our abusers are suffering because they will rarely get to that point of consciousness. (This too is fact as we have often tried to dialogue with our abusers. I tracked down my biological father after a twenty year absence to "talk" with him. He denied all and any violence on his part. This is completely false and untrue. I'll awake again tonight at three a.m. bloated with fear... you can't tell me anymore what is true and untrue... I know what is true... my body knows what is true... every cell in my being knows what is true...)

We admit our suffering. We come clean. We express the black confusion raging in our hearts. But we don't hurt others and to go even farther we do everything in our power to MAKE DAMN SURE WE ARE NOT DOING TO OTHERS WHAT WAS DONE TO US.

And we try to help.

Rizzo you are amazing. You bear ZERO responsibility for the abuse you have endured. The shame you feel IS NOT yours. This shame belongs to a "different" kind of human. But you are above them, far above them in honor and morality. Looking down you mistakenly see yourself below. But that is not you. To find "you" you must look elsewhere. Where exactly? No one can say for you. It is for you to decide. But you have begun to look around... (as Slashy pointed out, you are here on the forum...)

The questions you pose are not easy, and not easy to answer, or even with an "answer", easy to understand. BUT YOU HAVE BEGUN ASKING THE QUESTIONS. Again, bravo! You are brave. You are a fighter. You don't even imagine your strength.

But I see it.

And so I say to you thank you for your question. Your question has helped me today. You have made me work, but a work for goodness and a work I wish with all my heart to do. I wouldn't have done it were it not for your question. So again, simply, thank you.

Phoebes, if you can, do your best to be patient with yourself. Remember, cptsd means that our brains are literally wired differently, such that things that would alert someone with healthy attachment, takes us much much longer to figure out. This is not your fault. Neurologically you are not YET equipped to react in a quick, easy and/or an appropriate way. So it is great that you are aware already of the complexity of the situation and you are taking the time necessary to work it out for the best. I say bravo. Keep up the work. Doing it means it will get easier with time.
 

Hi everybody, a very close friend stopped by on Friday night. He is one of the few who I have have complete confidence with. We haven't spoken in several weeks so a lot of stuff came up. But to be brief I was explaining my sleep problems and patterns and mentioned Armee's suggestion to try and go to sleep later and the fact that I was actually doing the reverse, going to sleep earlier, and my friend kinda "jumped" and said, No, you're right. The brain's healing time is before and up until midnight. That's why it's important to go to bed early... Can anyone confirm this with outside studies or whatever? Or their own experience? Thanks 🙏

It's disturbing that I will have to spend the rest of my life with the person I hate the most..
myself.

Rizzo, I agree. But "disturbing" is an understatement. I would say instead "deeply sad".

I want to say that I think 98% of the human population is insane. We humans are a mostly degenerate species.

But I think YOU are one of the exceptions. You more than anyone are deserving of love.

Please break from the people of your past by refusing to treat yourself the way they treated you.

Your past cannot be changed. But your future can be something of your own creation. Without any guides whatsoever, self-love seems an insurmountable feat.

But please believe me when I say with all my heart that I think you are the most deserving of love of all. Please maintain hope. I promise you, with time, and work, and struggle, you will feel differently. I promise it will come.

DV, I really go in for Heidi Priebe's videos. I've learned so much. But there's an aspect of all this psychology that just gets overwhelming for me. It's like a huuuge labyrinth that I'm trying to negotiate through and my brain just fights against me. Our infancy and childhood was so convoluted and complex, and unraveling it all takes sooo much energy. But all that's to say the video you mentioned contained TONS of relevant info for me. I discovered Heidi last September, along with attachment theory, and I have to say that I'm just exhausted. It's sooo deep and sooo ongoing. Peeling off a layer just reveals another underneath. Your post brings that home to me. I think we're really similar in how we are examining and breaking things down. I really get what you're saying AND learning from your perspective. I just wish I had more energy!

BecomingMe, We could almost be siblings... seems we had nearly the same dad... I'm with you on getting through it and beating it and living our lives free of the toxicity we developed in.

I so relate Dollyvee. So many things you are talking about here link to what I've been through the past eight months. The book you mentioned looks really interesting as well. I checked out fantasy bonds on YouTube. That's definitely what I experienced in my last relationship. I'm still grieving intensely. Thanks!