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It's amazing, sometimes, what little NK fears, even though adult NK knows it will never happen.

Isn't it just how that always seems to work?
 

 

Very cool! Ah the healing pause... Congrats Allie!
 

Hey SH! Thanks for all that info. What is the tendon/ligament supplement you're trying?
 

(I have to admit that when i first read 'my focus is on edibles' i thought you were raising pot!)

San, this gave me a good laugh! Imagine growing marijuana in Holland of all places!

I've had some thoughts spring up in my head about breathing. But first, SenseOrgan, thanks so much for sharing  your detailed experiences and analyses of panic attacks... I so identify with that feeling of "Oh god, not this, not now, not while I'm trying so hard to heal..." It just seems so horribly unfair. On top of all the crap we're already dealing with, along comes another layer out of the blue to just push us to our maximum... I just want to say how impressed I am that you are still doing what you need and want to do, despite these obstacles the Universe has decided to throw into your path. The Cosmos must think that you are up to the task, apparently. But that doesn't make it any less difficult. Would it be correct to call this "Nervous System Regulation Training"? NSRT? Have you invented a new modality? I'm actually only half-joking. It's almost like we are all professional athletes, on that cutting edge limit of what can be done, and what can't. Re-working our nervous systems, going back to square one, all the things that babies need in their environment, and that were absent from ours... Calm, safety, mirrored understanding... everything that builds the foundation blocks for a nervous system that will evolve into a working, functioning tool, helping us in times of stress, but not staying in that one mode, also capable of switching back to the mode of healing. Reading your posts I've realized all sorts of subtle elements about my own similar experiences. But I won't go into that too much here in your journal.

What I do want to say however touches on breathing. I recall awhile back discussing PMR with San and her mentioning just how triggering certain exercises were. This really puzzled me and I guess I've been reflecting on it (unconsciously?) because now it seems much clearer to me. I'm just theorizing and don't have any clear evidence or external references, but I believe that the Freeze response includes shutting down breathing. If this mode was the dominant manner to achieve safety for us, then even gentle regulated breathing could trigger us out of our default safety mode of Freeze. Flight requires intense breathing, Fight too. But Freeze requires we "stop" breathing, or reduces it greatly. Thus any focus on breathing directly, or breathing more intensely can trigger in us an unsafe situation, especially in our bodies. Considering just how sensitive Cptsd can make us, this might be a hair-fine trigger, meaning even the slightest manipulation of breathing can become a trigger.

These are just some thoughts (amongst many) that came up reading through your journal. Hope it helps, if not please feel free to ignore... or maybe I'm already stating something that is well-known.

So, your garden sounds like a paradise :-)
 

...it's actually not my schedule that needs attention but my nervous system needs to be calmed down. Stop organising and lie down and do your belly breathing.

This really jumped out at me. Polyvagal theory... yes I so agree!
 

I hear your anger Bach. I get rare occurrences of anger coming from time to time. Not too long ago I got angry with my therapist. It was highly stressful, but I went with it and expressed myself. She agreed, understood, and supported me with "issues" I raised. It was extremely cathartic. Here was someone I knew intimately and I was able to be open and express what I was feeling without the menace of abandonment. My anger pushed me to a place of self-actualization. It was very helpful. I've since had a little more distance from all those feelings of responsibility I carry constantly. So I encourage you to explore your anger. In many circumstances it can be a great help. At least it's been for me.

I have a similar thing, Bach. I feel like I have to explain everything. Justify by explaining and accounting for the whole situation.
 

 

I wish I had time to respond... :-(
Sending support nonetheless. Thanks for all the great reflections here! Really helps. I found some nuggets.

 

PapaCoco,
That attack was not your fault. Though you could in no way know that at such an innocent age.

I forgive you the feeling you understandably got wrong at the time... and until the present day... a responsibility that was never yours... a shame someone dumped over you to lighten their own unfathomable sickness.

I forgive you the everything you experienced... of which nothing was yours.

And then the forgiveness turned to love.

Sounds really rough, SO. Also sounds like you're lucide and coping, if not perfectly, nonetheless effectively. "...a little less so" is significant, maybe not major, but concrete. Can you make a link with your recent nervous system modalities? Not a leading question, I'm truly curious.
 

Irene Lyon's work stems directly out of Peter Levine's techniques. I'm ready to go full steam ahead in this area... but Life has put waaaay too much on my plate at the present moment... I'm extremely happy you're practicing and relating your experiences. You always save me huge amounts of time with your reflections! :-)
Thank you