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I agree with NarcKiddo, I think the word joy means different things to different people. This is actually something that deeply annoys me, when people don't get the complexity of the language and words they are using. (Not this topic, I mean, what annoys me is in every day life when people throw words around without really thinking about what they mean and could imply.) I think the definition of joy would be quantitatively different for the Dali Llama as to a drug dealer in a favela in Brazil (but maybe not, actually).
But where joy might be contextual, depression is much more commonly agreed upon (is this due to the frequency of the latter and the rarity of the former?)
I'm sorry to hear your are struggling with depression, gcj07a. I experience mild to severe depression pretty much every morning, which can last from a couple hours to over a week. Things have been better since I discovered Cptsd and began working on my own inner health. The word Joy is perhaps more complex than we realize.

Imagine a child falls on the sidewalk and begins crying in pain. I watch as his parent comes to him and picks him up and hugs him and soothes him with their voice. I watch this from a distance, a stranger on the street. But this circumstance actually brings me joy (this sort of thing happens to me all the time). I am out in the world and see things happening and I feel inside my being that it is good and just and loving. Being witness to the workings of the Universe on this level definitely bring me joy. Saturday last I got out into the town and ran into a group of Brazillian-style drummers performing in the streets. I stayed with them for twenty minutes and was so touched and joyful that I began crying.
For me anyway, joy is found in the little things, the small occurences and events of existence as I witness them around me. The stillness of the forest can descend upon me like a waterfall, and the sun through the branches awaken an intense pleasure... Is that joy? In the end, maybe, it's I who determines what is joy or not... And if I determine it, then I can also encourage the Universe to send me more. As I start to see it I can (and have) realize that it's there all around me all the time. I see horror too. But then I can choose how far I need "go" into one or the other. It's not always a choice, most of the time not at all. My depression is not something I (yet) have much control over. But I get hints... relatively often, that I am not just a useless extra in this drama of existence. And then I run into people who feel similarly and we can relate... and boy o boy that feels good.
No, no, it's an EXCELLENT question (in my opinion :-)
And your question has brought me some joy reflecting on it. So thank you, gcj07a,from the bottom of my heart.
I am sending you some of the joy you have given me right back to you. Joy is, after all, ten times more potent when shared, thank you.
 

 

I don't want to be almost okay all the time, pretend I'm okay and keep pushing through anymore. I'm not okay.

Hey DF, I hear you. I feel exactly the same. I keep reflecting in my mind about "constant pain". I compare myself to others and wonder if they experience "constant pain" like I do. My conclusion is, no. Aside from people here on the Forum, people who know they suffer from Cptsd, no... there is an absence of that deep deep understanding. For me it goes deep. But I don't want to be a "martyr" either! I hate that idea. Honestly, I'm not sure what I want, excepting the idea you wrote too:

I want this to go away.

I feel like that's the little child in me... please please please just make this go away... We all know, there are days when this feeling pushes us to our absolute maximum. Truly, the triggered worst of the worst... a place I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy...
And then you wrote this:

I know I can feel better.

Thank you DF, that said it (for me). No platitudes, no fancy metaphor... just fact. That sentence evolves beyond the idea of acceptance (which I personally believe in, but that's just me, and it doesn't mean giving in or giving up...) Your sentence is agency. "Determination" is too strong a word for me, because I'm more often than not a blob of miserable inability... but nonetheless, I know you are right, because I have and continue to experience just that... I feel WAAAAY better than I did two years ago. And it's SOOO important that I remember, remind, reinforce it in my head. Cause the contrast is just so powerful still... And now I'm rambling in your journal :-)
I've just thought of Carolyn Spring and how she phrases it, "I'm not exactly where I want to be... yet."
Thanks DF, sending love...

 

I'm using this to vent a bit. I'm 34 and caregiver to my parents and sister and I'm dependent on them financially and for having a roof over my head. Most part they are accepting of me, but what hurts the most is that my dad brings up old topics how no university wants me, while I'm in my last year of university just on break. He's particularly bringing up medical school like only acceptable path. I did study nursing for a year, but the responsibility of it all not to mentioning not liking how the entire system is run was enough of making me not wanting to pursue it furter. It's astonishing how mean can the people in medical field be, when they should show emphaty. I'm pretty sure that my dad hurts me on purpose. I've told him countless times how these things hurt me and I've been vocal about feeling that no one cares and values me and instead they bring out what all I don't do, instead of admitting it.

Ran,
This sounds to me like very toxic behavior on the part of your father. As a father myself, I have learned, and I try, to support my children in their endeavors. Additionally, parents are financially responsible for their children, their well-being, their mental and physical health, etc, until a certain age. And in many countries (like here in France) and cultures, the law stipulates that parents continue being financially responsible for their children well into their twenties. Parents cannot just "cast-off" their kids. So the fact that your parents are still supporting you financially and with lodging while you pursue your medical studies is ABSOLUTELY normal and part of the order of Nature. This is what parents do! I imagine that you are active in the house and participate in helping their needs as well. This is all perfectly normal. I have said this before, and I am not alone in this opinion: Children owe NOTHING to their parents. As a parent myself, I cannot expect financial, emotional, physical support from my children. I CHOSE to have children, and I engaged in an obligation to raise them to the best of my ability. My children "owe" me nothing for the things I have done for them. This is the cycle of life and the natural order of things.

This fact seems to be incredibly blurred and twisted around the world in many many families...

I am very sorry, Ran, that your father and others are treating you this way. You do not deserve this kind of treatment and it is not an indication of who you are as a person.

I hope that you can find a way to distance yourself from this "toxic treatment". It's not easy, I know...

Sending support.
 

Welcome to the Forum LadyBoar, I moved to another country, away from my family over twenty years ago. Have never regretted or looked back. Currently very low contact with my narcissistic mother. Recently had a call with her where she exploded and gaslit, outrageous and incoherent... after all these years, after all my learning and self-work, it really had hardly any impact on me. Every time she just more deeply reinforces what I already know: She is the one twisted and ill inside her being and to her core. I've found freedom from her toxicity and come to see and love myself in a whole new way.
Happy to make your acquaintance!

Chart

 

Trauma brings so many of our behaviors to a unhealthy level, be it eating, sleeping, exercise, almost everything. There is always a healthy balance to strike. Trauma skews this equilibrium, so that the great majority of our behaviors are "beneficial" to being "safe" but detrimental to nearly everything else.

Trauma healing (imo) is the slow and methodical unraveling of all these aspects of ourselves that came about through mistreatment and abuse, restructuring them as they "should" have been in the first place.

It is a long long road.

But what becomes clear through wise and unending search of understanding... it is not the destination, but the journey...

Stay true, stay open, never stop evolving.

Love and support
 

Ran, finding connection and understanding here on the forum was a game-changer. I believe this place has been the single most important element of the progress I've made over the last two years. I'm so very grateful. I think I understand exactly what you're also experiencing and I deeply deeply empathize.
It seems to me you are doing good honest work. I agree that this is the best path to change and ultimate healing. It's long, too long, and far far too hard. But I also believe we can do it. Having you and others around on this journey is helping beyond words.
Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs and positive thoughts!
 

Alliematt, Cptsd kicks my butt. I've basically done nothing all week. I've "rested". I too feel guilty. My daughter went off to school yesterday morning and I didn't even get out of bed. Trauma is an "energivore" it takes our little surplus energy and devours it like a ravenous monster. I've yet to find ANY short-term solution for this. For long-term healing work and energy related issues I believe in vagus nerve work. It's slow. But for me, it's having an effect. Just my two-cents. So sorry you're struggling. Sending support and hugs.
 

 

My ex was(is) solidly autistic. She'd own up to it herself, but boy I sure couldn't point it out to her... I've learned that any relationship with someone on the autistic spectrum is going to entail a certain amount of "drawbacks". Yet I also find a LOT of positives in autistic/asperger personality types. When I come to think about it, this goes for pretty much everyone, only autistic spectrum folks are easily categorized because of the commonality of their behaviors. But every relationship have elements that are easier or harder for me to deal with so I actually regret a lot of the things about my ex that I didn't adapt to with the time I had. Looking back, I think if I'd been aware of my trauma I might've been able to distinguish and adapt far better than I ended up doing. Sadly it was just an insanely intense learning experience. Such is life...

Hey Ran, take your time with the Forum. It is many things, but always striving towards healthy interactions and positive relationships, even when things are really really hard. I totally agree with TheBigBlue. Take your time here and everywhere. You are very brave. I'm trying to get away from expecting my life to begin when I finally reach a certain level of healing. I'm trying to realize that I am living my life right now. Sometimes that's depressing because I imagine that since it's always been this way, it's also likely to not change. But I know that's false. But pain is so dominating, but things are changing.
Sending support and hugs if that's ok, Chart.

Hey DF, you describe so very well the Cptsd experience. I can relate, it's like just when you manage to "survice" one stressful experience, WHAM! another comes right along right behind it. Hardly a beat to catch our breath.

Very cool you are anticipating circumstances that are difficult and stressful and letting others know what and how you are going to deal with the situation. I was recently 45 minutes late for a social services appointment (which as their fault because the "politicians" in France are always changing the names of the public services; The Employment Center is now called France Services...) When I finally arrived I was so extremely stressed that I was completely unable to keep my feelings and emotions internalized. I didn't go too far, but I definitely let them know that things were WAY beyond my capacity to deal with and that I was at my absolute maximum and that THEY were actually making things worse and not helping me in the slightest. I've also started getting up on the "high horse" especially with folks who SHOULD KNOW about Cptsd... Anyway, I'm ranting, sorry :-)
I sense good work getting done in what you relate in your journal. I hope you see and feel it too.
Sending support.