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Just a heads up to everyone, I'll be out and about this morning around the cabin doing little chores. No worries, it's my thing. There're some trees down farther off that could use clearing. I'll stack the logs I get in the dry-shed. Noticed the gutters could use cleaning as well. I'll do that after. But after that I'm joining you by the fire. This afternoon I want to read too. I've got the energy to make tea this this afternoon and I've brought French pastries. There's plenty for everyone.
:-) 

Thank you for sharing your story, lowbudgetTV. It was very soft and warm and touching. I'm sorry for the loss of your friend. Sounds however as if you have understood and accepted the deeper reality of how we live our lives and what truly matters on our short journey here. Making connection is a big theme for me too. Finding others that understanding what I'm experiencing. Aside this Forum, I've very few people in my life I can truly connect with. I think I understand your struggle there.
Sending hugs and suif that's okay.
 

I also think the book is excellent. I still haven't finished it, though. Can't seem to finish anything these past few years...

    
Thinking of you DF. Sending love and support.

San, So very happy to hear you passed a good night of rest.
 

Well done, LadyBoar!

Awesome story, San, thank you for sharing that. I really felt your experience. You make me think: Life, no matter how hard, really is worth living isn't it?
Thank you
 

Ran, in my opinion you have made the first and most important step to changing a dynamic that you feel is hurtful to you and others: You have seen it and owned it as relates to your own behavior. Whatever dynamics come from all that, you are CONSCIOUS of something that is not functioning the way you believe is healthy.

I believe consciousness is a HUGE step forward which launches us on a journey of self discovery that is challenging and often painful, but leads to greater acceptance of ourself and others, as well as moving us to a settled and much safer place. Jung calls this transformation "acquired authenticity", coming to know and love who we truly are. Only then do these "faults" start to lose their energy and power over us. As we become closer to ourselves we find ourselves naturally more at ease and secure. That which hurt us in the past no longer has the foundation to continue functioning the same way. The false self naturally falls away, leaving us lighter and freer to be who we truly are.
 

Hi Recovery68, Sorry to hear about your struggles, but glad you found this Forum and are making connections.
Sending love and support, chart
 

A rough stretch over the past ten days left me exhausted and lonely, and yesterday I ended up oversharing my life story with a "safe-enough" stranger at the dog park.

Hey, Welcome to the Forum, TheBigBlue. This part of your story made me think of the French film by Truffau, Shoot the Piano Player where in the very beginning the two strangers meet by chance in the street and one shares some of his deep personal life with this random stranger. Very French, but you might find it funny to watch. Also an excellent classic film.

Also I identified with your story a lot. I had a mental collapse in 2023 and it has completely changed my life, discovering Cptsd and realizing the impact of trauma (in my case pre-verbal) on who and how I feel/am today.

Glad to have you along in this shared exploration. It's not easy, but we are doing it, and the presence and support of others makes all the difference for me.
Chart

Welcome SelfReflectionPhobic, glad to hear you are questioning and working towards change. I've found this Forum extremely helpful over the past two years, probably moreso than any other single thing in my life.
 

DF, I get exactly that too. Validation through identification that others feel similarly and that I am not alone is so beneficial. Just that has been a HUGE game-changer in my life (to put it mildly). I want to continue. I'm currently building up the energy and working through ideas as to how to start a support group in my local area. I'm not ready yet, but it has been in my mind for a long time now and I'm confident I'll do it when I feel internally ready. It is my personal belief that Cptsd (or Developmental Trauma) is THE reason for all the strife, conflict and misery in the human condition across our little planet. I see no single other thing capable of explaining the horror and behavior of "many many" humans, especially ones in positions of wealth and power, those most capable of having wide-reaching negative impact on others. For me, Cptsd is not an excuse, it's a fact. And as a collective, we need to start making it known. I believe awareness (consciousness) is our only hope as a species to continue evolving positively. I shudder at the alternative.

(DO NOT give me permission to rant in your journal... I cannot control myself on that one!!!

Thanks DF. Staying hopeful, staying sane, staying together...
 

Hello DawnMaria and welcome. I too am very sorry you are struggling and feeling alone. I hope the Forum here can help, it's been extremely positive for me. Sending love, support and hugs if that's okay, chart.
 

Hey, gcj07a, I was obsessed with the Lord of the Rings when I was young. I would read it non-stop, finishing the last line of the third book and then picking up the first one to read it again. It was my escape for about ten years. I've read the books at least a hundred times For me it was the struggle of "little people" of which I identified immensely. Being given a horrible horrible burden that is not yours (the Ring)... for me that is the quintessence of Trauma, and metaphorically very similar to what I experienced as an infant.

In a very literal sense, I do not believe your avoidance  behavior is "twisted". No doubt you are absolutely correct in judging it this way. But as we know very well now, there is another element that supersedes and modifies this evaluation: Survival. You describe it yourself with your siblings, it's a question of survival, the one who gets "selected" is in extreme danger of death. This is the horror of Trauma: the very thing we need most, attention/love, becomes the very thing that is most threatening to our survival. This neuronal pattern is catastrophic. Children need, deserve and crave Love. That that natural need should be twisted into meaning danger and destruction is the ultimate tragedy of Trauma. But understanding what it is and why, and where it comes from is the beginning of reversing it's impact. Fighting trauma is the hardest thing that we know. We are literally fighting our own neuronal wiring that is in place to keep us safe. And now we have to struggle counter to those signals telling us that we are going to die. There is nothing more difficult for a human to endure (imo).
But now we know it, now we can begin the small steps to changing it. For me, personally, it serves little purpose anymore that I judge myself. This has not really helped me in the past, aside from becoming a beacon as to something that I needed to examine something more closely. I am lazy, haven't showered in over a week, engage in dissociative behavior, etc etc. All it tells me now is that I have Cptsd. And since I know that already, I can work to breaking down what these behaviors in me are actually trying to accomplish. They are STILL trying to keep me safe. That known, I can slowly start making little changes to work counter to my early developmental childhood neuronal programming. It's slow as frozen molasses, but in two years work I have seen solid progress. I still re-lapse (and often) but the inexorable forward progress continues. Every day the unhealthy connections get slightly weaker, and the joy and energy connections get "slightly" stronger. I do not see it as a Herculean task, I see it as an extreme and profound understanding of Patience and growth that seems imperceptible. I've lately become obsessed with Sherlock Holmes stories, especially the original ones of Doyle. I notice "the details" more and more. They fascinate me and I stay with them and let them mull about my brain. Then I take a nap, and observe the guilt I'm feeling, but do it anyway. :-) Sorry, I've just rambled myself near to oblivion!
Sending love and support, chart

You're not alone, Ran. Thank you for sharing your story.