Healing journal (tw) Angering / strong emotions

[Chart]

Thanks SH! Will keep you posted on what I experience.
Hugs!

[StartingHealing]

You are most welcome Chart. DMSO is some good stuff as well.   

I really am starting to think that sulfur should be considered to be a essential mineral like magnesium.  DMSO moves sulfur into the body, the horse juice has it as well in the form of MSM, and way back in the day, it was common for folks to go drive an hour one way to get to an artisan spring and drink the water from it that was high in sulfur when things were starting to hurt, help with arthritis, etc.   Maybe I'm missing the mark.  Maybe it's not the sulfur per se, maybe it's repair / rebuild that can only happen when there is sufficient sulfur available as a catalyst?  If memory serves, there is a pre or pro biotic that produces sulfur compounds.   


May 3, 2025 

Had to many tipples last night. Total number wasn't that high which is good because that means low tolerance.  Didn't get sloppy with it however the depressive effects of the alcohol is still very evident this morning.

Another side effect for me is that the emotions run high as well.  It ties into other things as well.  Been puzzling over a direction?  a goal? a something, anything to get a bearing on.

 I've expanded serious effort over many years to be competent in things.  Still feels like I need to get 'better' at the financial aspects of things.  Then again, that is also a pattern that I've recognized and am changing that pattern.  Need to get to the don't spend before cash is in hand point.  That said I've also been doing more with physical cash instead of the debit card. 

At the place I'm at now, really wondering about the heading I would like to go next.  I realize that I'm still in the recover / rebuild stage of things and that for me personally, there are some large ticket items that if in my possession would help things along a great deal on a personal level.  I have two vehicles currently.  Neither are be suitable for a day trip let alone a road trip.  Have been attempting to save up the shekels for a vehicle that would be able to do road trips. I have a brother from another mother that's 3 - 3 1\2 hour drive away that I'd like to be able to visit.  There are 'points of interest' in the larger geographic area that I reside in that I'd like to go see what's up.  For more fun traveling I'd like a motorcycle.  Been a while since I had one.  Would be really cool to take some trips on a cycle.  Pack along the 35mm film camera and state highways only.  No interstates.  Document the people, places, things on film.  Really be able to experience differing areas and then make a physical book out of the photographs with blurbs of where, when, etc.  Just for my own self.

There's also thoughts about legacy that pings my attention from time to time.  Maybe that's because of my gender or something.  I realized a while ago that even if someone was doing genealogy at some point in the future and my data pops up as a dead branch of the family tree, they ain't gonna care.

The adoptive fam, the nephews, nieces, they don't care now so why they gonna care later?  I've reached out many times and .. it is what it is. It does suck but it's understandable.  I was mr incognito due to becoming isolated from family by the former spouse. 

Other things in IRL to get did. 

Wishing all here, all the best

[Chart]

Wow that's a synchronized thoughts-state... I'm fantasizing about driving up to Copenhagen in August in my truck... the "family" is acting majorly retarded on my end. Been on the phone "politely" ripping my dad to shreds... poor guy is the one everybody else makes deal with me... my x is being her usual narcissistic self with my daughter... ok, well maybe not everything is in tune between us... but funny, I did have another good look at the '87 D150 images I pulled up awhile back (when I hadn't a clue what the heck you were talking about :-) The window's been open on my browser with the photos ever since... had another close look today, beautiful machine actually... has some serious personality... funny don't know why just drew me...

[StartingHealing]

Chart,

A 1987 D150 is a good looking machine, although I prefer the look of a 1973 D100.  I still miss that truck.  Weird how a machine grabbed me.  If I had my druthers, I'd have another D100 1973.  Had a 5.9l (360 cubic inch) engine, 727 3 speed transmission, no power anything, the front end was set up so if it was moving at all you could steer with 1 finger.  Don't know if that will happen.  Lots of variables in the mix that could preclude that.  Course depending on how things go.. Well if I could make a living without being in a area that requires EPA testing.. There are a few things I'd change on the 87 I do have.  Maybe get it to a point where with mashing the throttle to the floor, all a person could see from a sidewalk is smoke from the tires and teeth from me smiling.  (chuckle)

Oh mercy.  Dealing with folks that are still in their 'stuff' and ever notice they really like spreading it?  Is difficult in the best of times. 

I'm figuring that my desire(s) to have the means to go farther afield is a good sign.  short road trips are small adventures you know?  Throwing a leg over a motorcycle is also an adventure. 

Sending good your direction for peace. 

Wishing all here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

May 7 2025

well, this is interesting.  Had some thoughts rolling across the thinking meat this morning.  The idea of being "of service" to other humans, isn't that at cross purposes of nature anyhow?  Beavers come into a place, dam a stream, mind you that they are doing this for their own purposes, and with the creation of that pond, there is so many other beings that benefit from it.  To me that kind of goes against the narrative that has been pushed onto me by the society I am in.  How is it that in nature, taking action for self benefit, benefits other beings.  Yet the message I have received is that taking action for self benefit isn't 'good'.  How does that work?  I think that message is a manipulation. 

Things to have more thunking on.

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

8 May 2025

Much unbidden introspection going on.  guess some part some where of me or spirit figures that I need to take another look or three at the past.  sigh. 

All I really and truly want is to be clear.  Be clear of those that do not provide a positive in my daily experience.  To be clear of the former spouse and her off spring.  No entanglements of any type or kind.  Will be a wonderful day indeed when I get there.  Then the process of having all of them turn into people that I once thought I knew.  I have the lessons, I have the scars.  Isn't that enough?   

[StartingHealing]

May 12 2025

Weird weekend.

I wonder if it's just me that is going through the clearing out / cleaning up thing that this year seems to be bringing.

Usually certain days on the calendar don't mean that much but this mother's day.. lots o crapola coming to the fore.  2nd mother really wasn't.  I realized that way back when.  For me the narrative of "doing the best they could at the time"  I wonder about that.  I mean, yeah there were "things" and she was a xanax addict and yet.. least to my memory there wasn't much on the mother side, more of a self centered thing going on with her.  Anyway, she been on her next adventure for a decade or so now.  I remember when I got the news that she had moved on to a different realm, it was like a huge weight came off my back.  I decided that I don't hate the person she was, but still not a favorite person of mine.  In many ways she was a person I knew on the edges of my experiences.  Not lots of attachment there on a emotional level.  Legally, that's a different matter.  Course I do not carry her name, I carry my Dad's family name.  And proud to do that.

Although I have been considering changing my legal name anyway.  Don't have a single idea of what I'd change it to though.  My original birth certificate (which I was able to obtain) was blank for first and middle name.  The surname came from the gentleman who was married to 1st mother at the time.  Definitely not any genetic relation to me.  I spoke with him a few times, solid guy, very honorable, what he told me was that something told him that he had to at least get his family name on there.  I still wonder about that.  Spirit was doing something for sure. 

Had an event happen as well.  I followed up on information I got from the genetic genealogy and after years of getting all the documentation and submitting it to a particular group, the forms saying that I was accepted into that group came in snail mail.  I mean, I "knew" because of the genealogy, but it wasn't real.  Like IRL real.  And now it is. Mind blown is minimizing it.

Annddd now I'm faced once again on sorting identity.  It's a thing adoptees have to go through.  One of those traumas from being removed from any genetic relatives as a wee one.  Not having people that look like you, sound like you, act like you, like the same things, it F's with having that sense of certainty with yourself and of yourself.  With the situation that I went through, closed adoption, the tripe of "as born to" (like genetically that would ever work. Dumba--es) not to mention running blind in regards to possible health issues?  Yeah  And then the gaslighting, the lies, the paradox of being a bas-ard and then I'm not because of a legal fiction..

I've lived longer than either genetic parent did. That is weird as well. The expectation of being in the 70's, 80's, and then things happen, nope. 

 Paternal side was 39-40 from a "heart attack" and maternal side was 45-46 from years of alcohol addiction (back then they put cause of death on the death certs, as limited as the forensics was). Don't know if the paternal side was a cigarette smoker or not, maternal was.  Lots of things can cause heart attack, I know that for me, there is a set of amino acids that counteract high levels of homo-cysteine, which is usually the cause of unexplained high blood pressure. Currently my BP is a tich high when compared to the BS numbers pulled out of the marketing dept's butt to sell more BP meds but not extremely so. I'm within 5 top and bottom before coffee. About 10 high on the top and remain about 5 on the bottom after coffee.  While I do enjoy a dram or two, I've learned to not allow that enjoyment to mess up my life either.  I can take it or leave it actually. And since it's a wee bit here and there, justifying top shelf prices is easy. (chuckle)

Have today off work because of a death of a co-worker. There was enough people going to the service, it was mgmt who called closing the site for today.  I worked with the dude occasionally, he was a solid guy, it's that wasn't that close.  I feel for the family, I do.  I did send a nice card outside of the ones work sent.

As I sit and type this, I know that life continues on.  That there are things that I need to attend to, and that somehow, I'll come to some kind of conclusion to how I see myself. And how that will be carried out in human networks.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

[Chart]

 

[StartingHealing]

May 17 2025

A quick one today.

Still fussing with the truck.  Da--it.  Sigh, will have to go back into the carb again.  I've done some interwebs digging and worst case I can get a re-manufactured on for 350-450 depending on which business I go with.

Having brain glitches with python now. 

Wishing all here all the best

[StartingHealing]

May 23 2025

Don't know why I put dates in my entries.  Perhaps for future stuff?  Anyway..

Walked through the carb again.  Next step is to wholesale all the vacuum lines and the thermally controlled ported vacuum switches.  Already swapped out the ERG valve.  Old one definitely bad. 

Running at idle at temp, sounds good.  Takes throttle, returns to idle nicely.  Put a load on it (driving) and knocking and pinging like crazy.  Sigh. 

Been having periods where grief pops up.  Jan of this year, my doggo had to go over the bridge. Over there, healthy, happy, playing with the ones that went before.  Lordy I miss that doggo.  I miss all the doggos I've been blessed with having in my life. There has been a cat or two as well. I'm sure that there is other events that got shoved into that pile o grief.  Differing sources so to speak yet same emotional kick in the gut. 

Perhaps some of it is my age as well.  Here before to long the day of solar return is on me once again.  Knowing that the distance ahead is shorter than the distance behind.. I know that I'll be taking that dirt nap eventually.  Guess I'm kinda odd in that at the present moment I'm looking forward to being with the pack more than I am being with the two legged ones over there.  I know that humans over there are different than those here.  Even so, I'm still leaning to be with the pack.  I mean, here, they love us without reservation you know?  How much more will it be over there?  10 fold increase? 100 fold increase? 1000 fold? 

I've been blessed with so many awesome doggos in my life so far.  Some were with me a short amount of time.  Some a lil longer.  And the rest, the spirit was willing but the flesh failed, and there was nothing to be done.  I know, I tried, so many hail mary's attempted.  I don't regret that effort at all.  I don't regret the money spent either. 

Frustration is also nipping at my heels.  I know, I know, divine timing and all that but yeesh... come on universe throw me a bone or three already.  Pretty please?  Would be nice for karma to come round and slap some folks I used to know silly I'm cool with that. Annndddd school.  I'm not savvy the current class I'm in.  Going to have to do the memorization thing, get the d--n thing passed. 

Even with the grief I'm experiencing at the moment, I really would like to have 100% my own space.  Did find out that there is a program through my new Nation (that's still soooo weird to me) that might be able to help me with real estate, in the state in which I currently reside.  Been thinking about that too.  If it's just me and some doggo's how big a place do I really need?  Smaller place, less spent on heat / cool.  Decent sized lot need a large back yard.  Then again, if I do that and get some doggos.. 

Then it's the where.  Stay in the USA?  Let's say I do.  Where? Which city / town in which state?  If I don't stay in the USA, then which country?  Which city / town / region? Yeah.. I know it's not time for me to know yet. But still.


Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best

[StartingHealing]

27 MAY 2025

Well now.

Today was the person who was in the role of mother in the adoption family birth day. 

The grief over what never was.  Every child yearns for a mother.  One that was removed from the physical one as a wee one, even more so.(I was in some sort of child care system until I was placed in that family at 9 months)  I seeked, I hunted, I strived, I did things that I had no interest in, I d-mn near ended myself in the chase to get some approval, some indication from her, that I was at least 'ok', that my normal child-ness, my normal boy-ness, was ok. that my creative was ok.

My adult understands, my adult does it's best to comfort the wee fella, and it does help some. Yet.  Not the same as {mom}.  The archetype of gentle, giving, caring, loving. 

I've had moments where that "mom" showed.  It was small, never lasted long, and her usual criticism, guilting, and other issues buried it. It didn't happen often, perhaps a double hand of times?  Maybe?   

There is a thing with primarily gals who adopt.  It's not all of them.  The person in the role tho.. she had the cluster of ish + xanax addiction.

Yeesh.. been 10? 15? 20? years, a long while anyway, since she passed.  The hurt from what never happened, the hurt from a person that was in the role but not present, projecting her demons outward on the children, some that shared her genetics and me. 

F. 

Wishing all here all the best.

[Hope67]

Hi StartingHealing,
I want to say I read what you wrote, and although I can't find the words to express what I would like to say, I would like to extend a heartfelt hug to you     I am glad that your adult understands, and is doing its best to comfort your wee fella, because that young child deserved to have love, care, concern, and so many more things. 
Hope

[StartingHealing]

Hi StartingHealing,
I want to say I read what you wrote, and although I can't find the words to express what I would like to say, I would like to extend a heartfelt hug to you     I am glad that your adult understands, and is doing its best to comfort your wee fella, because that young child deserved to have love, care, concern, and so many more things. 
Hope

Thank you Hope

[Chart]

Hope put that very well.
Gosh SH, I think I really know how you feel. "That" sadness is deafening. I just wrote in my journal about a sudden memory that sprang upon me while driving home from work Wednesday. For me it was the Father who walked away... the little smile of hope I threw into the trash heap. And the emptiness that remained in my clenched hands... that sucks bigtime.
Now I mourn. I hug that little boy and tell him how it is now. And it's "okay" to be so sad. We'll cry it out together. He's not alone. Not anymore, I'm on the up and up and I'm gonna look after him like he needed over fifty years ago. Bring on the sadness. Now is the time. Now it's ok. We're not alone.
 

[StartingHealing]

Hope put that very well.
Gosh SH, I think I really know how you feel. "That" sadness is deafening. I just wrote in my journal about a sudden memory that sprang upon me while driving home from work Wednesday. For me it was the Father who walked away... the little smile of hope I threw into the trash heap. And the emptiness that remained in my clenched hands... that sucks bigtime.
Now I mourn. I hug that little boy and tell him how it is now. And it's "okay" to be so sad. We'll cry it out together. He's not alone. Not anymore, I'm on the up and up and I'm gonna look after him like he needed over fifty years ago. Bring on the sadness. Now is the time. Now it's ok. We're not alone.
 

Chart,

Hope is an absolute gem. 

Kids are wired to seek parents, to seek those connections.  It's not the kids fault when the "adults" (a term I use to reference age not competency) F that up.  However as a child, we think we are the cause for their rejection of us. When that is not the case at all.  It's them that F'ed up.

What you wrote.  Man that hit. "the little smile of hope I threw into the trash heap. And the emptiness that remained in my clenched hands" 

You are entirely correct with the not being alone.  I'm still figuring out how communicate to the pre-verbal aspects.  The others, we good.

Wishing all the brave souls here, all the best