Messages

What if we did an open zoom meeting during the holidays? Open to all. Not sure how we could structure it. Could be a little complicated... But I find the thought kinda warming...

Ran, I felt the emotion in your letter. I'm sorry you're struggling these days. Sending hugs and support.
 

Beauty4ashes13, I was moved by the power and pain in what you wrote. What actually struck me is that your friend is displaying (imo) classic narcissistic behavior: accusing someone of EXACTLY what they themselves are doing.

I think it can be difficult to see narcissistic behavior, especially when we have experienced developmental trauma. I was married to a narcissist for 14 years. Even during the divorce I hadn't figured it out. I just knew it couldn't work. Still took me several more years to explore the concept in relation to my own trauma and relationship with a narcissistic mother. For me anyway, it took a long long time to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

But boy o' boy am I glad I've understood... I ran into my ex-wife at the market a few weeks ago. I walked away with near-zero emotional affect. I learned something out of all that. It was hard. It was long. But it's worth it.

Beauty4ashes13, I hope what I'm about to say isn't taken as being potentially insensitive to the pain of your experience, but I think you have a golden opportunity here to analyze the truth of the situation looking at it from both sides. Perhaps this person isn't who you thought they were. Better to see it now, the truth about them, no? And even deeper, what does this betrayal tell you about yourself? Good people get hurt too. But isn't that pain a mechanism for getting our attention? I don't think you have done anything wrong, but is there not something in your past that has conditioned you for this kind of situation?

Again, I'm NOT blaming or implying you are at fault, not at all. But there is a dynamic that needs seeing and breaking down. If for no other reason than to help you move on.

I hope that makes sense and if I've offended in any way I'll remove this post no problem.

Sending support and hoping you can find some resolution in this friend's betrayal. It really sucks to lose someone we thought we had a connection with.
 

Indeed Marcine, it seems you've chosen the red pill. This is what courage means. No matter how unstable and unbalanced this feels, know, truly know, you are incredibly brave and pushing forward. Jung talks much about this, discovering the authentic self. I firmly believe this is the right path.
Sending support, Chart

Recovery68, I'm so sorry to read your story. Last year I spent Christmas alone but was on the forum and I think I spoke with friends over the phone. But my social anxiety kept me from going anywhere as I just didn't feel safe.

Please know you are not alone this year. You have friends and understanding here on the forum. Sending hugs and support, Chart.
 

Regarding disassociation, it's becoming more and more of an issue for me. I'm not quite sure how to put a stop to it. The distracting is really intense. I thought taking away my social media would be a way to counteract it but I find other ways to mentally detach. Staring, listening to a show or podcast, etc. Time is moving like a current and I'm getting swept away from shore and into open waters. I'm in limbo. Not feeling as morbid, just stuck under a veil.

Dark.art.girl, One of the best ways to counter dissociation is body-work. Coming back into our bodies can be powerfully grounding. That being said, it can also be triggering, especially when our trauma was physical and/or sexual abuse. So I recommend research and going slow. There're millions of techniques and some seem to fit certain people and circumstances better. Body-work can bring up strong emotions and this is common but can be very difficult depending on where we're at.

I do the technique Progressive Muscle Relaxation (PMR) every morning. I almost always cry during or immediately after, sometimes longer and more intensely. This has been going on for two years now. I'm not of the opinion it is going to change anytime soon. There's a lot of painful emotion stored up in me. All that being said, for me it is helping. Very slow, but I feel it's helping.

Also, dissociation is a protective mechanism. This is why it's so hard to change and move away from. For me it's ingrained and I find myself constantly realizing all the ways I dissociate without being particularly aware of it. It's a constant wonder when I discover once again something I'm doing in order to dissociate. Turning this to consciousness is a weird and sometimes funny experience for me. It's difficult to not be impressed to what lengths my mind will go to avoid the fears that are lurking inside me.

Please be kind to yourself working through these things. Sending support.
 

I'm very happy this thread is staying active and they're new responses and perspectives. I appreciated LeonLaviu's (brave, imo) opinion regarding "narcissists".

Imo, this is an important topic which only gets bigger as time and social/political systems deteriorate worldwide.

If we don't start FULLY understanding these individuals in power causing so much destruction, I believe we're doomed. And I seriously ask myself these questions regarding why toxic leaders continue to appeal to the majority.

Here're some thoughts I've had:
- Narcissism is a spectrum, not an all or nothing affair.
- Healthy "good" narcissism exists and is necessary, particularly during certain phases of development, but also serves healthy individuals in determining their self worth.
- Narcissism can only exist in a relationship. That's to say, toxic narcissist behavior is "permitted" by another person. This is not blame, but important to realize that a narcissist will be unsuccessful if the individual or group refute their assertions.

I like this concept as it gives me agency. Recently I've found a great deal of power and liberation in realizing just to what extent I enabled narcissists in my past. I've taken that experience and learned from it. I now feel greatly empowered when I engage with others on political and social subjects.

Just some of my thoughts. Gotta go make soup for my kids. I plan on doing it very un-narcissistically...

Walk away. Stay away. Be defiant in defence and open to real love, real beauty and real emotion.

i wonder if all those good feelings about the beatles, that time in my life, kind of overwhelmed my brain, like too many endorphins or something

San, this struck me. I recently had a "positive" experience as well. A feeling of attraction that I sensed was mutual. After, I felt deeply deeply sad. Not exactly an ef, but close and it lasted a good 48 hours. I think we are so hyper-sensitive even things that are good and positive can nonetheless be triggering. It's like the brightness highlights the black.

The list of annoying aspects of Cptsd just never seems to quit, does it?
 

Glad to hear the medication is helping, Ran.
 

I'm confused on something. Somehow this all feels so surreal. All of these experiences. AI tells me dissassociation, but it feels different somehow.

I think this feeling is common  among Cptsd survivors. For me it is difficult to perceive reality one way and observe others around me who clearly are perceiving things very differently. That dissonance is very disturbing. Were it not for a few friends who support me I'd probably be in much worse straits. Friends help immensely, though I have far fewer now than my younger days.

Found it:
https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17020.0

Very interesting!

Ran, someone recently wrote about Bessel Van der Kolk's "The Body Keeps the Score" here on the Forum. You might want to look into the book if you haven't heard of it. I'll try to find the link here on the Forum.
Glad to hear about your disability requirements being fulfilled.
 

JamesG3, your narrative seems to reveal to me a side of human nature that I simply cannot fathom. Though faced with it a million times, I fail utterly to comprehend humankind's inhumanity to their fellows. All that I can assume is that human consciousness is still evolving. I believe it is a dark period for our species, no less so than for the capacity of individuals and organizations (business) to wreak havoc and misery upon their clients and our planet. This inordinate power in the hands of the few is given willingly and freely by an enormous population nearly devoid of existential understanding. Yet it need not be so (imo).
I believe the final indivisible quantum particle is love. It is the total and eternal foundation upon which is constructed our universe. Pulling back, one by one, the infinite layers of understanding, we inevitably approach that singularity that becomes more undeniably evident the closer we get. Attaining, absorbing and dissolving in this state, we slowly pull those of like energy towards us, like mass falling in towards those points of infinite density. And that pull is not a plunge into destruction, but a metamorphosis into a rebirth, an evolution into a different reality, one where the construct is one step closer to the ultimate element.

I believe those who wreak havoc on others do so out of an ultimate hatred and denial of themselves. In that I mourn for them. And that mourning is a release from their power and impact over me. Step by small step I inch my way towards self-love, and in this way find clues of like-souls along the path. Slowly I set aside my arms of anger and pain of betrayal. Slowly I say, because some days finds me upside down facing back upon the path I've traversed. I see my horrible mother there behind me and my heart leaps into my throat for the love that has been wasted in hate. And here, on this point of the path, I weep, not like a man, but as a child that understands nothing, nothing but that one basic element.

And for me it is clear... unconditional love, for others AND FOR MYSELF... that is my lifeboat. That is my rope and harness on this cliff of life. How many times have I considered cutting my own rope? Yet I don't, I haven't... why? Because I see and read and feel in the experiences of others that thing that I too have experienced and felt and written. Across the ether I sense connection. And it wills me on.
Thank you from my deepest heart for sharing your experience, JamesG3. This world is truly as beautiful as we want it to be.