the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[Wife#2]

So good to see you, San!   

This approach you've decided, this is what has kept my oldest sister mostly healthy physically and the most healed of us emotionally. She has been a huge proponent of being aware of our thoughts, which in turn control everything else about us. The more we silence the negative, the more room we give to the positive. The more positive we insist upon within ourselves, the more we share positive with the universe. The more positive we put into the universe, the more we are likely to receive back.

Now, that sounds like so much hippie mumbo-jumbo, but the proof is in the pudding. Her marriage is healthy, her child is healthy, her child married a healthy man and they have two fantastic little people of their own, now. All three generations show each other ongoing and unconditional love. I may have broken the chain of abuse, but she buried her chain deep under the ocean never to be heard from again. And she had more, and more painful, links in her chain.

This is my main reason for believing that you can AND you will succeed with this journey. Yes, we sometimes have to say 'out loud' what were our experiences, but this is to allow the poison to be found and removed. THEN, we free up space in our minds, hearts, souls, to begin to claim all that is positive in our lives. Say those positives 'out loud', more often and louder. They can become a habit, which can become a tendency, which can become a character trait (where I noticed it with my sister), which can become part of who we are, which can become who we are - healthy in mind, body and spirit. (OK, some of us are starting this late enough in life that we may only have time for health-IER, but I think I'm right that IER is enough to make our lives better!

to you! Keep believing in yourself, in the power of your mind and your heart. Come back to us when you need a refresher of what WE see in you - the beauty, compassion, the determination, the love for family, the strength, the courage and not least of all, the wisdom! 

[sanmagic7]

o   wife2, you darling soul.  thanks for all the validation and encouragement.  congrats to your sister.   so happy someone found her way out and was able to rise above.  that's the best.

i agree, it's been important for me to get the poison out at times, but it's also important for me to not continue to revisit it.  i can lay in that pile of toxic waste forever!  or, i can decide to continue to push it aside and move on from it with these positive declarations.  i've been telling my brain repeatedly that these pain messages it's sending out are glitches, mistaken messages, and continue on.

hippie mumbo jumbo?!  we hippies knew a thing or two in our time that has gotten lost along the way.  look at all the chinese wisdom and medicine that's been around forever, and people are finally finding out that it's not a bunch of phooey.  if only more people had ascribed to the hippie mantra of 'make love, not war' - what a different world it might be.

i cringe when i watch the commercials for all these meds now that have been created to treat the awful side effects of the original meds given to people.  opioid-induced constipation, indeed!  these opioid painkillers are rendering a heroin comeback of epic proportions!   

no, i'm feeling better and better about the route i've decided to take.  healthier is certainly acceptable at this age.  i'll take it.  already, i'm finding more time/energy to focus on doing what's better for me, and that's having pos. results as well.   laughing out loud at silly sitcoms is good for me, so i do that as much as possible.  more mindful breathing, gentle trauma-based yoga are all sending healthier messages to my brain. 

when i think of it, the alexithymia may have actually saved me from being worse than i am.  since i didn't really have an ic to contend with, i wasn't putting myself down very much along the way but rather excusing my foibles and imperfections.  i think it kept me safer, in some ways, than i've given it credit for.

all these realizations are like putting the pieces together, and the support i've gotten here has been the glue that keeps them together, making a wholeness out of myself that was missing before.  all you lovely people are helping me get healthier in ways you may have never thought relevant.    it all counts, you all count.  thank you, god.  feeling stronger, revival of the spirit.  this shiiiiit works!!!

[sanmagic7]

i've begun talking to my brain as if it's a wounded child, gently accepting at the same time encouraging change.  speaking the words out loud during the day.  it feels right somehow.

i know my brain's been wounded, has been taught to do things, send messages that don't match with reality or that cause pain where there shouldn't be any.  so i've begun speaking to it.  actually, she's a her.  i haven't thought of her name yet, but she has one.  i'm waiting for that to fall into my lap.  it will.

'i know you've been hurt.  i know you can grow out of that hurt place. these messages you're sending me aren't the correct ones, but it's what you've been taught.  we're going to grow and change together.  i'm not mad, but these are miscommunications and aren't right.  i know you can grow new neurons, dendrites, connections that are in keeping with reality.  we're doing this together.  i believe in you.  we'll get through this."  etc.

throughout the day, yesterday, i was doing this.  i'm going to keep it up.  one more step on my road to recovery.  i believe.

[Candid]

i haven't thought of her name yet, but she has one.  i'm waiting for that to fall into my lap.  it will.

How about Briany?

[sanmagic7]

very clever, candid.  thanks for the suggestion.  i'll try it on for size, see what happens.     

[Downsideup]

Talking to yourself as if you were a parent to a wounded child is possibly the smartest thing I've ever heard in regards to self-comfort. You do have wounds, you were a child, you deserve to be taken care of. Maybe your brain will realize this eventually and begin to recover even further...keep us posted San I so hope this works

[sanmagic7]

thanks for your support, downsideup.  i do believe it's working already.  for one thing, i was extremely tired all day, even after a 2-hr. nap i laid in bed another 2 hrs., just too tired to get up.  for another, during my nap i dreamed of a very nice man (symbolic, perhaps, of the positives i'm instilling) who kind of stayed just out of reach, at the same time my sister (who i believe symbolized the neg. crapola) just kept being annoying and i kept yelling at her to stop and get away.    it was interesting to me, but it, too, made me think that this is working.  so i'm gonna keep it up.

on another front, i'm so pissed off i'm frickin' ready to leave my husband and this place.  he went to the big town up north (where i have to go for the specialists) for the day, but didn't tell me why he was going.  i thought it was for his eye again.  when he came back tonite at 11, he told me the real reason and i blew up.

i don't know what to do.  i absolutely hate him right now.  without telling me, he took out a bank loan to buy 5 cars at auction w/ someone else he knows up there, apparently to import and sell them here.  then he told me he's in a load of doo-doo.  it seems that this 'friend's' brother went to a city in the states to get the cars, and decided to pick up an extra one, which turned out to be stolen.  i don't know how the whole thing went down, but the friend is in jail, the cars are impounded, and the brother is long gone.

i can't believe he was so stupid.  too bad for him, but what i'm really mad about is that it's got me involved financially, since both our names are on both our bank accounts.  i'm gonna have to close my acct. and have my daughter wire me money thru western union or something.  i can't take a chance of opening a new acct. here cuz i don't know if they'll come after me cuz we're married. 

i've worked so hard over the years to get this acct. and wire transfers set up for my soc. sec. money (thank god i didn't have it transferred here automatically every month!), first thru a joint acct. with my ex in the states (cuz i was too sick to think about numbers and money matters), then a few years ago i was able to extricate myself from him and got an acct. in my own name.  later i put my daughter on the acct. cuz i help her out every month, and i figured that if i croaked over, she'd at least be able to get the money out and it wouldn't get absorbed by the bank or the gov't.

she doesn't have a car, which means that it will considerably put her out to wire me money when i need it.  i hate this * place so much right now - he's been on the streets, we've been burned by his so-called 'friends' before, i can't * believe he was this stupid!!!  and he was trying to tell me not to lay any more shiiit on him cuz he's gonna be in so much trouble if the cops don't find this guy!

)(*&)(_* that!!!!!!  i'm the frickin' victim here, he went into this deal with his eyes open and w/o talking to me about it at all before hand.  he's always been the one to say before we make any big decisions, to always talk it over.  what a buttwipe!  if he'd have talked to me, i doubt this would've happened cuz i would've tried to talk him out of it.  i can't trust one frickin' person in my life now, except my daughter, and she's got her own problems.

i don't know what i'm gonna do.  i really don't want to stay here, don't want to be with him, can't stand to look at him.  this get-rich-quick frickin' mentality here by schemes and scams - i think this may be the straw that broke this camel's back.  i don't know how i can live with him anymore.  and he told me, when i asked, that this happened a month ago!  all this time he's been pissin' and moanin' about how broke he is, how strapped he is, wah wah wah.  i've come to his rescue so many times in the past, but not this time.

for better or worse - HAH!!!  i know i'm gonna need surgery on my eye, and i wouldn't be able to afford that in the states, so i think i'll have to stay here until that's done.  right now i'm thinking that after that i'm gonna ask my daughter to help me find a gov't-funded apt. or something near her, or an old folks' home that takes medicare.  he doesn't know what he's done. 

he said he didn't tell me cuz he didn't want to stress me out.  what a bunch of bull pucky.  i asked him, what did he think telling me tonight was doing?  once again, i'm gonna have to leave my home, for the umpteenth time.  i'm so mad, so sad, so hurt, so disappointed in him, feeling so worthless.   he's gonna get my money out of the bank tomorrow, and i'll have to talk to my daughter, which i dread.   i can't *' believe this!  i wish i could pack up and leave tomorrow!   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKK!

                                                                

ok, i'm not much of one for those things, but i needed them right now.   that last one is for the frickin' hot air that comes out of my hub's mouth that doesn't mean jack *.  talk about believing something that isn't at all what i thought it was.  disillusioned.  i've been living in a house of cards, and in one breath he blew it all away.  i have no respect for him anymore, no support for him, no energy of any kind for him.  it was all a play, and i guess i'm a stupid gringa after all.   i got played royally.   wow.

[Wife#2]

San, that is so awful! There really aren't words horrible enough to describe this.

What a cluster****! There is no excuse for not telling you over the past month. Period. Waiting until the deal fell apart and someone was in jail is not respectful, fair or even logical.

Hmmm, don't upset the wife by telling her I'm dealing with idiot # 1 and it required taking out a loan. Don't upset her when I find out that idiot # 2 may or may not have stolen a vehicle. Don't upset her by coming clean until idiot # 1 is GONE and idiot # 2 is in jail. Yes, THAT is when to come clean and say I'm in trouble and may end up in jail myself. Oh, and this government will likely seize EVERYTHING BOTH of us have, because of that. AND, going back to your home country may be complicated by the current leader AND this potential 'criminal activity'. Yes, that's the best path to take. UGH!

** Dark humor alert - this is only meant to be humorous, please don't take it wrong ***

Don't kill him, it'll make coming home harder.

There are times when you have to try to find the humor because the anger will destroy you. Justifiable as that anger is - and in this case it's a 10 of out 10 on the justified meter.

Pace, cuss, beat pillows until they burst. Then, take a break to breathe, to calm yourself down, to 'wipe away the poison' so you can determine the best path away from this man.

His actions have screamed who he is. You're listening. If you must stay until after the surgery, do that, but as a roommate, not as a wife. Then, as soon as you're cleared for travel - get out!

Oh, there is not an emoji to express how sorry I am this happened and how sorry I am that it hit JUST when you were making progress.

[Three Roses]

Oh, san!

There are not words for me, to tell you how sorry I am. You really did not need this. I'm standing with you in spirit!

[Downsideup]

Seriously? How stupid can one man be?? I am so sorry you are having to put up with this. What an idiot. This is the last possible thing you need San. Get away from that man, he's no good to you. Get that eye surgery and get out of there asap. You deserve to come home.

[Candid]

Oh San, I'm so sorry to read this about your feelings towards your H now, when his love and support could have made so much difference. I'm hoping your daughter will help you when you're ready to flee.

Wife#2, your dark humour certainly resonated for me...

[sanmagic7]

i'm pretty frizzed right now - the enormity of all this is beginning to set in.  let me just say that you all are the very best. the. very. best. people that i could ever know.  your support and opinions and well wishes are more than i could have ever hoped for.  please forgive all my bad words, and 3roses, thank you for editing them w/o giving me a bunch of yuck about it.  i appreciate that.

the questions are now running thru my head.  what happens if he can't make the payments?  he has no collateral - anything of value i bought, including this house.  luckily it's on his family property, so i doubt that it can be taken away.  is he gonna split?  he's talked about going across the peninsula to another town before to try to find work.  i'm pretty much of a gypsy, but i think this is something i don't need right now, so this time i wouldn't be going with him.

he turned this on me last night, telling me that when i was saying 'stupid' over and over in my anger rant that he's not going to be taking that abuse from me anymore.  said he was glad i was able to get mad, but now to leave him alone - he's got enough on his mind.  i can barely speak to him now, can barely look at him.  (yeah, wife2, i appreciated the humor.)  i'm crashing big time now.   called the bank this morning to let them know i'll be using my debit card here and in the states indefinitely.  i've rarely used it, and they froze it on me once when i was visiting.  step 1.

step 2 - later this aft. we're going to the atm's in town to see if my stateside debit card will work.  i've been doing wire transfers all this time - of course he pointed out to me how much money he's told me i would've saved if i'd been using the debit card all along.  i've used an atm machine i think twice in my life - not very comfy with machines.  so, now i have to get comfy with this.  this just screams 'unsafe' to me cuz of all the hacking of cards that's gone on, and i only have this card and the one bank acct. where my monthly payments come.  it's all the money i have in the world.

he wanted to go farther than these 2 steps last night, but i told him i couldn't retain all that.  he also started telling me how easy this all is, that he thinks there's a lot i could've been doing but stopped myself by thinking i couldn't.  he was so helpful - not!  i'm like a stone with a whirlwind inside.  the stress i'm feeling right now is incredible, but when he was saying all these things i simply said 'yes' and looked at him w/ no expression on my face.  i have no feelings toward him, not any good ones.  he wants to keep downplaying what he did by saying he 'made a mistake', like it's some little something i should just get over and move on from.

i know that's what he wants - me to just suck it up and go on about my business as if he stubbed his toe or something by accident.  and that it's the other guy's fault for putting that chair that he knocked into in his way.  he doesn't see at all how this has affected our relationship, what it means, how i could somehow excuse this and stand by his side or something, make like it's no big deal.  he thinks he got screwed, poor baby. 

i finally pressed, asked him why he really didn't tell me.  he admitted that he knew it was 'risky' (i interjected 'stupid') and that i wouldn't have gone for it.  there's a saying here - i'd rather ask for forgiveness than ask for permission.  we've talked about that, i've told him many times what i think of that type of mentality.   i don't play those games.

so, he borrowed money from the bank that he has to make payments on every 2 weeks, money that he told me he would be able to cover until possibly july, to invest in a scheme whereby this friend of his knew about getting cars at an auction cheap.  this way my hub (the reason behind all this) would be able to get a car and make some money to boot.  he's been worried about his car for a long time.  last year we talked about him taking a loan out of the bank to get a car, and talked and talked and he finally saw what a losing proposition that was.  he doesn't make enough money to repay a loan!

so, the friend had his brother go to the states to get the cars (i still don't get how this one guy was gonna bring 5 cars back) and decided to pick up an extra one on his way.  the extra turned out to be stolen.  because of this, somehow, all the cars got impounded (and, of course my hub doesn't have the money to get them out) and his friend or friend's brother is in jail, and the thief has split.  my hub is hoping the cops are gonna pick him up.  hah!

what a nightmare this has been.  my daughter's been very supportive, told me to keep her informed.  she talked to the guys she lives with, they said the same thing.  i told her this morning that i started thinking about moving, that i think i'd need a truck.  of course, i have no credit, so that would mean she'd have to come down here, rent a truck in the states, and i'd meet here, drive it down here, load it up, and drive back.  lots of money that none of us have.  but, that'll have to be dealt with later.  for now, i'm waiting for him to come home so we can do step 2. 

my poor little brain and body are being wracked out of whack.  we had a long talk today, it's not their fault.  i'm just hangin' on by a thread - and i know you're all hangin' right beside me.  thank you everyone.  this is as hard a thing i've had to go through as anything else in the past.  i'm too old for this crapola.  what happened to our golden years?  i wanted to just live out my life here in this little town of my heart.  now, i can't wait to leave.  funny how things change.  i'm not laughing, tho.

[radical]

I'm so sorry, San.

It sounds like you might need to talk to a lawyer asap to clarify your rights and responsibilities under Mexican law.  Can you do so without any involvement from your husband?

You really didn't need this (understatement) and I feel for you

[Candid]

i'm too old for this crapola.  what happened to our golden years? 

I'd like to know that, too.

It sounds as though your mind's made up to move back near or with your daughter. I'm sad that your marriage isn't what I initially thought it was, and that in a very real sense you've been alone for some time.

[sanmagic7]

hey, radical.  thank you.  actually, i don't think a lawyer will be necessary.  when i go, i'll take my belongings, leave my home behind.  it's on his family's property, so i have no claim to it anyway.  the family doesn't even have the correct papers for it and half of them live in the states.  nothing could ever be settled.  like i told my d, this will be the third home i've left, one for every marriage.  that's sad to me.  3 homes, and nothing to show for them.  my nc d lives in the second one, and my ex gave me an advance on what the home might be worth to build this one. 

my d has been so very supportive.  i started looking for apts. where she lives, she said she'll help.  she has always really liked my hub, but she totally understands why i want to get out.  i'll be very poor, but i'll have my own space, my own bed (he's horrible to sleep with and is often the reason i'm up so early every morning) and things will be clean.  that will be wonderful!  here there is always so much grit, it's impossible to keep up.  no more roaches, big ol' bugs, or lizards that find their way under my pillow.

i don't know when to tell him.  i know this seems sudden, but it's been coming for a while.  he's never been able to stop barking at me when i ask him a question that he's not in the mood for, he's rarely followed thru on things he says he's gonna do, and he's never asked for help when he needed to.  after his hip surgery, someone told him it would take a good year to heal.  that was at least 10 yrs. ago.  since then, we probably had sex 5 times, and then he lost his desire due to the fact that he was scared his his replacement would pop out.  i begged him to talk to a doc about it, he refused.  so, wife2, as far as living like roommates, i've been doing that for a long time already.  nothing i tried worked, and i tried everything i could think of.  living alone, in that area, will probably give me a better chance of getting laid, if i so desire.

divorce?  i don't plan to remarry, so i'm not worried about it.  status quo is fine.  i only feel married now because i've chosen to.  we've been more friends than anything else.  i will say that he saved my life, and i'm forever grateful for that.  but, on the other hand, this other stuff, especially this recent incident, has been way too stressful.  it's the last thing i need.  the stress will not end as long as he has that bank loan, because i know it's what's on his mind.  he's been more than reticent this past month and now i know why.  but when i'd ask him, he'd just say 'i've got a lot of stuff going on'. 

i know that by taking myself away from him will be the worst thing i can do to him, and i'm sorry about that.  he's not a bad guy.  he just has a way to live his life that's incompatible with the way i want to live mine.  looking back, i think i've been putting up with this way of life, just that.  nearly 16 yrs.  not enough has changed.  lots of ideas, very little follow-through or reliability.  i need to rely on things, i need to be able to believe that when someone says something, that's how it's going to be.  maybe me and this culture are just too different after all.  i could easily list all the good qualities i fell in love with, and he still has them.  but the scales have finally tipped.  without trust, how can there be a relationship of any merit?   sucks.