SunBear Journal of Recovery

[SunBear]

I've been gardening this week and learning more about the environment I live alongside with in our village.

Gardening has been really therapeutic for me and the more I do the more I love, I've also started looking further in to old folk lore and learnt that if you wish to you can tell the bees your secrets, so I've been in my garden most of the weekend, sharing my story and secrets with the Bees in the sunshine. Great listeners whilst they work away, It felt silly at first but I've always been fond of bee's.

I've learnt a lot about how far I've come this weekend and I really want to make sure I remember this, I want to remember the sun, the birds and the richness of my garden sanctuary. I've started meditating and envisioning the garden whenever I'm in times of stress, to try and bring back a balance and remember the peace and clarity of the area. I feel so renewed and feel like I power up when I'm in the garden, like a little eco warrior.

This is the part of recovery I love, my self compassion and self care comes in the form of a trowel, mucky gloves and my watering can. It's funny, I have this idea in my head that as soon as I am outside I start to draw energy from the light and I become the protector of the garden, and no one can claim this area as its free to do its own thing, I'm just there to ensure that the flowers grow and flourish as I do. I like a lot of wildflower and look to ensure that every part of the garden and its ecosystem is not disturbed too much. Tonight I'm planning on making a bug and insect hotel, I'll post a photo of the outcome to the journal and simple steps if anyone is reading and wishes to do the same.

A Reminder for the day/week;
Drink plenty of water in the hot weather and wear whatever you feel comfortable in. Remember how good it feels to watch plants grow and powerful mother nature really is, remember that you are also part of nature and you also have a pool of strength inside of you that you can tap in to when you need. Be kind to yourself.

[Three Roses]

What a wonderful post! Thank you, SunBear!

I also love flowers and bees, and spiders too. All bugs, really. And the more unusual the flower, the better! Thanks again for your post.

[SunBear]

Good morning Three Roses,

Many thanks for your reply I'm glad you enjoyed this post, I think I might create a new thread in the Café for gardening so I can share photos there and hopefully share some useful tips for gardening, but yes I feel exactly the same! there's always something new to discover around here Have a lovely day! 

[sanmagic7]

o my heart, sunbear, i'm so much a gardener and have truly missed it all these years.  as much as i've tried, i've had little success in the desert climate.  and i think it would be so cool to see pics of your gardening endeavors!  it's so grounding, so stabilizing, so soothing and comforting to work with the earth and living things.  you go! 

[SunBear]

This week has been an up and down, I've been sat at work most of today feeling vague and quite ghostly, in fact most of this week I've felt this way, it's just snowballing. I wanted to start to work on this but it's just me covering the paperwork at work this week and I think work has helped me focus on something else today kindve because I still feel detached.

I've been deflated this weekend, I feel really small, and the slightest remark said in the slightest way could topple me today. I don't want to go home today, I don't want to be at work really (it's just something to do) I don't want to be around people. They cause too much stress, well; I cause myself too much stress. Although I've picked up on my personal hygiene (something that's goes amiss in trying times and is a usual indicator for my moods) I feel like there's no point anymore. Every time I do something good, or make a step forward I'm reminded of all the other things I still need to do. Constantly.

I don't think my BF wants me anymore; I find it harder to confide in him. I find that in some instances when he talks at me I feel like a small child again, helpless without anything to latch on to. The only reprieve is to walk away, or hide under the bed or in bed. Under the beds always been a safe place for me, but also a place I went to when I needed to disappear. I'm not even sure if that's a good thing.

Since Sunday I've felt uglier, more of a burden and less talkative, I feel on show all the time mind wise. A Close friend has noticed, however due to his relationship with my partner I feel it unfair to speak about my partner to him. I don't even know if there is anything to talk about, I feel like I don't even know whether I'm in the wrong or not.

A Reminder for the day/week;
It is important to discuss the above with your therapist. Good job on keeping up your hygiene up and even over the next few days, one day at a time. You are doing the best you can right now and you've had a hard couple of months. Take some time off where you can and start something you've wanted to for a while!

[SunBear]

Sanmagic! its so nice to hear you talk about gardening

Hopefully I'll be more in tune this week to update the 'the potting shed', I look forward to hearing about your endeavours with the desert climate! 

[SunBear]

Counselling session Tuesday 30/05 *possible triggers*

The session focussed on the risk taking behaviour that has been shown, in particular the way in which I spend money, Mind-set when consuming alcohol, previous self-harm behaviours and suicide ideation. And what would I the turn to if any one of these behaviours were removed.

We put these on a scale, on a risk scale to look at how best to start to 'poke' in to each one and how they will affect my mental health in doing so. As the coping behaviours are putting me at risk we also need to see which ones if removed would cause all of them to slide the risk scale to 10.

1-10 scale
5 – Money spending habits/ comfort eating/ punishment re food
7 – Alcohol Consumption – triggers re FOO and their dependency on alcohol
8 - Self Harm – Self harming coping mechanisms (previous behaviours) as this has been replaced by the above.
10 – Constant Suicide ideation with intent.

We need to work on bringing these down effectively and safely. Discussed increasing current medication due to the 'swings' I've been having following counselling (will ensure safer mind set when working with the above)

We discovered that I was hitting a wall towards the end of the session in relation to how these coping mechanisms make me feel and essentially what issue is lying underneath that subconsciously I keep hiding away.

Action Target; Think on these behaviours, note as and when I can acknowledge them and feel around the thought process at the time, in a safe environment. Alternatively just note the random thoughts pinging across at the time so that we can establish a starting point.

Actively acknowledge the frustration that my partner is feeling; firmly confirm that I do not wish to speak above the above during car rides due to traumatic events and due to FOO behaviours when I was younger. What would it take for me to stand my ground during arguments? How can I feel safe within confrontation and use this to feel stronger. Re Flight/Fight

It felt good to let out a lot of frustration.

[SunBear]

Passing thoughts *trigger warning - Domestic Violence/mentions self-harm*

I've had a lot of passing thoughts this morning about the domestic violence I experienced growing up. So vividly the memories are coming back to me, I've not however become overwhelmed by them though. Today its remembering mum getting drunk at her father's 50th, so drunk she threw up on my poncho in the back of the car on the way home, the car pulled over, and all I can see is the red light from the brake lights illuminating him beating her on the side of the road after he dragged her out the car. I couldn't say anything, but I remember my brother shouting and crying. I remember my nan, (my less than 5ft heroine) dragging him off mum (6ft broad man) getting mum back in the car and informing him he will be walking the rest of the way (10 miles) , I think mum was so drunk that she probably doesn't remember it. But just seeing that snippet of movement, like a movie through the back screen I couldn't see mum, just remember his arm coming back up and down, he was scary in these moments. It makes sense now looking back at my visits to the doctors because of my nightmares and bedwetting up until the age of 14, why this was happening, it's much clearer now. Another breakthrough, another memory I had clouded away, gosh there were many indicators.

Again another moment I could've reached out, but I didn't know I could talk to the doctor privately and request my mum isn't there, I was terrified, Why would they believe a 12-14 year old girl. It was during one of these visits that they found my self-harm cuts, I remember mum laughing. I was devastated, I was a joke and unfortunately I slipped through the nets again.

I wouldn't say I feel at peace, but maybe feeling at peace with my mind to confirm that I was a victim of domestic violence. I've been thinking about my school career, and how this affected me at the time. thinking of how I dropped out of art college because I couldn't cope with my living situation, at this time my Mother was now with her new partner, a lovely gentlemen, someone I could confide in because he too came from an abusive childhood, however I didn't realise until now that it was triggering me. Since going no contact with mother I struggle to think of her fondly, however I hope that he is okay or at least moving forward and growing like I have.

I have a will to help people; I want to help people and soothe them and look after them, like the parenting I never experienced. I want to get better to help other people.

I keep thinking, maybe if I had reached out it would have been different, but again I need to soothe the inner child instead of saying What if, and start to say that she did the best she could with what she was given, She did great to survive.  I find myself saying, 'it's okay little one, I've got you and your safe now' It is completely understandable that because my FOO never did anything about my brothers behaviour/fathers behaviour/ bullying at school, so if these people, the people I thought should protect  me weren't able to/willing to, then why would any of my teachers?

'You've not lost any time little one, I love you and will take care of you moving forward, we can take care of each other' 

I'm ready for the next big step in my recovery regarding my coping mechanisms, I'm so ready to kick * and learn to love myself more than ever before. I'm starting to feel ready to accept that it is okay to let go of my family, not just short term but long term.

A Reminder for the day/week;
Take gentle care of yourself today, Remember to take in your surroundings, enjoy the sun and enjoy being young. Your shoulder has been hurting so gentle exercises and stretching should help, maybe yoga at dusk in the garden to ease your mind and body.

[Blackbird]

  to your inner child
to your grown up who's ready to let go

[SunBear]

  Thank you Blackbird x

[SunBear]

I still feel v. alone at the moment.

I'm scared about going to the doctors this afternoon, I'm worried that they wont believe me, the best idea I've had is to write everything down before I go (medication review) . I need to increase my dosage but then again I'm worried it will affect me the same as when I initially started. I didn't feel,  empty and I was in a glass dome watching the world around me.

I'm worried that I'm spiralling again, that I wont be able to stop myself from falling and there wont be any one to catch me. everything keeps going from bad to worse and all I want to-do is cry.



I'm struggling to find the nerve to keep going anymore. So many triggers this weekend.

[Blueberry]

Hey, SunBear, sometimes when I'm struggling to keep going, I allow myself to lie down, disappear under the covers and read and/or doze. Or maybe even just cry, if that's what you feel like doing. That can be very healing.

Or could it help you to go into your garden? Not to work, just to see and feel and maybe even smell what you've created there? Feel gentle drizzle on your face or the sun on your hair (whatever the weather's doing in your corner of the world).

Writing down everything before you go to the doctor's sounds like a really good idea. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, sunbear,

it sounds like you're in one of the messy parts of your recovery, where you feel messy and nothing seems to set just quite right.  it's ok, it's part of the process.  just be with yourself and know that you are really and truly (even if it doesn't feel like it) a wonderful human being.  anyone who loves to garden can be nothing but!

my desert gardening days are over now.  i've moved on.  the only thing i really had any success with was an orange tree - the biggest, sweetest oranges i've ever had.  unfortunately, the kids next door decided one year that it would be fun to pick off my first real harvest (14 baby oranges on a tree no taller than 6 feet) and see how far they could throw them.  that was it for me.

i love those positive notes you write yourself at the ends of your posts.  i think they're precious.  i hope you can re-read them and keep them close to your heart.  i also like your list and how you and your t are going about exploring what's on it.  i think that's very worthwhile work.  sometimes, after we do something positive like that, we just go into a neg. slump.  i know that's happened a lot to me, like i can't stand too much good stuff and have to somehow balance it out.

keep up the good work, sunbear.  standing right beside you on this.  big hug, sweetie!