the cheshire grin is the last to go - triggers

[sanmagic7]

thank you, everyone, for you care and concern.  you have gotten me out of dark places more than once.

i know about cataracts being able to be removed (i had a fleeting picture of me being an old woman with those white films over her eyeballs - ugh!), and even know about retinal surgery - my hub just had it done a few months ago.  yes, i am kinda scared about them working on my eyes here.  i don't trust the healthcare, doctor care here too much.  too many times i've had to educate the docs on what's going on with me, even regarding the lyme's disease i had and the treatment i needed.   they're just not very competent at times, not even very caring (altho i hear that's quite common everywhere).

what i'm angry about is that this is even happening.  (yes, i bang my bed regularly, make lots of noise, lots of cussing and yelling to get it out of me).  i didn't feel sad, but that might be my alexithymia.  i just felt deadened.  with all the work i've done to help my brain function better, to help heal my brain and body from the ravages of the beast, i expected that i'd be showing improvement physically (like i've done emotionally).  instead, it's getting worse, and my eyesight is on the line. 

first glaucoma, now cataracts and retinal detaching on top of that!  again, how much can my eyes take without just shutting down?  becoming blind is one thing all in itself, but . . .  i don't even want to go there right now.  too devastating. 

so, i'll just mosey from day to day right now.  to think about my eyes puts kind of a rush on things.  like the novel i'm in the process of re-writing that my daughter is looking at to possibly publish.  the quilt i've started, the embroidery i want to put on my denim bag.  all these little projects that i've started feeling good enough to get back into - i just don't want them to come to a screeching halt.  that's a sad feeling right there.   that's good.

[sanmagic7]

had a major realization today about my eyes.  the body keeps the score, indeed!

for most of my adult life, if i let the smiling and laughter dwindle, was just looking 'regular' (that's what i thought, anyway) i can't even say how many times people would ask me why i was so sad, told me that i had very sad eyes.

today, doing some breathing, it struck me!  while i thought i was sad for everyone/everything else but, again, not allowed to show it, i held it in my eyes for the world to see.  i thought i was hiding it, but no such thing.   and, the sadness i was holding was for me.

i have been sad for myself for nearly all my life, i know that now.  i was this sparkly little girl, and they stifled that sparkle from day one, especially my dad.  that sparkly spirit stayed alive within me, but the real me was being chipped away.  even that wounding as the doc pulled me out of my mother with some metal tongs nearly took my left eye out.  the scar is very, very close to it, nearly an inch long.

i've cried and cried and cried through and for so much, was able to connect some of it with losses of what i'd never had, always wanted, wasn't allowed, but this sadness is concretely linked to me, to my very self.  i've been sad for me since before i was born!  i only just realized it now.  how sad is that!

no wonder feeling sorry for myself would just slip through every so often.  the sadness for me just wouldn't be contained but would spill over.   i couldn't help it.  no wonder i rankled at the words 'self-pity' or 'pity party' (which i heard a lot at 12-step meetings).  i was so very, profoundly sad for what had been done to me - they wanted to erase me!

and now my eyes are paying the price for having held all that sadness for so long.  my poor darling eyes that did their best to protect me from being mocked by my dad (geez, i can't even talk to you, and the waterworks start)  when i was distressed because i'd displeased him.  mocked by my sister and friends for crying at movies.  mocked by my daughters who would always check at some event we were at to see if i was crying (i usually was), mocked by adult friends (the tears are running down my face now).

it was accepted by my ex and kids that i would cry at everything that brought forth any kind of emotion.  it was the only emotional expression i let out on a regular basis.    even my hub told me the other night that in the beginning, up to just a bit ago, he'd be angry at me for crying all the time.  he's not anymore, now knows that it's a sign of distress, and has even learned to gather me in.  thank you, god.

and now my dear younger daughter hands me tissue when we're in any way going to be involved in something emotional.  we sat together at the newest 'star wars' movie, and i blubbered thru the whole thing cuz to me it was so cool to see all the old characters, ships, etc. back again.  she just held my hand and gave me tissues.  it was so kind and caring, and i was even crying because of that as well.

o, my poor eyes!  they tried so hard for me, and now they're breaking down from the pressure - ! ! ! glaucoma is the increase of pressure in the fluid of the eyeball.  o dear god, this is so terrible!  it all fits together!  they couldn't withstand the pressure of holding all that sadness for me, and i didn't know enough to get it out for what it was meant for. 

dammit!!!  they couldn't kill my spirit but they're killing me piece by piece.  please, as scary as it might be, i want everyone else to take a lesson from this and get those frickin' emotions out of you!!!  they will kill you if you don't!!!   i don't want you to end up like me.  i've told this to my daughter several times - she has a hard time with them as well. 

feel sorry for yourself as much as you need to.  i'm going to revel in it from here on, but this time the sadness has a focus, and it's not on anyone else right now.  might be too little too late, but i guess i'll take that as it comes.  dang, i hate this crapola!!!

[sanmagic7]

candid, i think the unfreezing process is just that, a process, and it may be bumpy going at times.  i've had to be open to feeling all the feelings a human possesses, the 'feel good' ones, as well as the ones that don't feel so good, like the shame, the humility, the inner critic putdowns, the insecurity from anxiety, etc.  one thing that kept me going was knowing that each feeling, each emotion i could consciously feel was a triumph of re-wiring my brain, no matter how bad it felt.

if you're ready for that, then you've already begun the process.  if you're looking to feel, to melt the numbness, to become whole again, you've taken a step to doing all those.  what's been helpful to me is to be more still and focused on myself, especially bodily sensations.  i used mindful breathing for that.

just focusing on my breathing, well, i'm not very good at remaining focused for any period of time, and my mind would wander, think of other things.  on these occasions, at times, i would feel something somewhere in my body that i'd probably ignored in the past.  the first one of these was a tightening in my chest. 

i reflected on that and finally connected it to the feeling of fear.  this, then, led me to reflect on what i was feeling afraid of and why, and i just kept following the trail till i got my questions answered.  only then was i able to tackle that particular problem and put it to rest, but the main thing was being able to finally feel afraid.

with anger, i went at it a different way.  i knew, logically, that i had a lot of anger within me, but it was difficult to access it immediately.  when i first began with anger, we're talking years and years of unexpressed anger (i was so very patient with everyone and everything they did to me), i couldn't actually feel it, but i knew it had to be there.

i began with writing, keeping an anger journal, so to speak, with nothing but anger inside it.  i just started writing what i thought i was supposed to be feeling, how it was supposed to feel, what i would say if i actually felt it.  it really was a 'fake it till you make it' kind of scenario.  eventually, the anger began being released on its own, and i was able to begin getting it out.

anger has come in layers for me.  very old anger, deeper anger, more recent anger.  old and deeper where written and/or drawn about - and i knew it was important not to edit myself.  i plowed through all those messages about what a mom shouldn't say about her daughter, what a person shouldn't say or think about another person, all that, and just let it flow from my mind thru my arm and out my hand. 

sometimes it was words, sentences, phrases, cussing, but sometimes it was visceral scribbles, jagged lines, even stabbing the page.  it didn't matter what form it took, just so long as i was getting it out.  i would feel a good kind of tired after a round of that.  it was never tears, tho.  i wasn't sad, i was mad.  i know a lot of us cry when we're angry, but i think it's cuz we're taught that true anger isn't ok, so we kind of soften it up with tears.  or we're scared to be angry.

the more recent realizations that have brought anger are now victims of pounding my bed, yelling, swearing, doing something physical and making noise (children should be seen and not heard - bullpucky!)  my anger is coming to the fore more quickly now than ever before.  another triumph.

and so it has gone with the rest of these emotions that have been locked away for so long that i didn't even realize were there.  they've been locked in our bodies, where they continue to hurt us, so we have to do something physical in order to release them.  i've done pressure-point therapy to unlock some of them residing in my muscles - anger, hate, sadness.  now that i have a better handle on my sadness,  i will be able to be more focused now on what my tears mean and why i'm crying in the first place.

for too long i just cried without really knowing why.  i was never angry.  now, when i'm releasing emotions, i think about what and who they belong to, focus the release energy on that.  it's made a great deal of difference in my anger, altho i still have a long way to go.  but i welcome these feelings now, all the emotions no matter how they feel.  i'm able to more easily sit with them at times, just let them be there, and not rush to cover them up, bury them with food, deny them, or push them down or away once more.  that has only been killing me.

best to you, candid, on your own emotion journey.  i wish you well with it.  it's quite an adventure, actually.  not always pleasant, but always rewarding.  big hug to you, too.

[sanmagic7]

my hub and i had a good chat last night.  he's been having problems with his eye as well, had retinal surgery and several injections since, and told me last night that his vision in that eye is worse than it was before the surgery.  don't quite know what to make of that, except that he's becoming more open about what's bothering him, which is a good thing.  he's letting me in a little more, which feels good for our relationship.

i also talked about my realizations for my eyes, and that i've got 3 things going on with them now, and at this moment, until someone begins fixing things, i'm headed toward blindness.  not a pretty thought, maybe dramatic, but there it is.  trying to get myself prepared for the worst, if it comes to that.

so, we talked about that, how, if i did go blind, i don't believe i'd stay here, but go live with my daughter and her roommates, if they'd have me, or at least go back to the states, find some home where i could be taken care of.  being very pragmatic about it, very unemotional.  don't have room for emotions yet, except a little fear that it might actually happen.

i told him i'd want to go north because i'd want to be able to feel the seasons, feel the air, smell the differences as the year goes on, smell the flowers up there.  we don't have any of that here.  i'd want to be able to exercise my other senses other than hot and cold, and the smell of the burning at the dump or the rotting fish people throw out beneath our window.  touch the grass, the trees, the petals, hear the bees and songbirds that we don't have here.  no grass, and cactus are dangerous to touch, while flowers aren't around enough to smell.

it was good to talk about it, let him know my thoughts and feelings about it.  i don't feel like it was a doomsday discussion or anything, more like making a will just to have things thought out and in place.   he understood.  he'd said once that if i ever went blind he'd be my 'dog', meaning it in the best of ways.  but, he already works 12-hr. days, 7 days a week.  to have him make food for me, do all the errands, get me to the doc every month just seems like, altho he's more than willing, it would run him ragged in a very short amount of time.

because of his polio (he's on crutches since he's been 6) we've talked before about these types of scenarios.  neither one of us would be able to help the other if it came to not being able to bathe or go to the bathroom - neither of us could lift the other, and we don't have money to hire someone, there are no 'homes' where we could go.  we don't dwell on it, but it's good to know we have a plan and are being realistic about such things.  we'd certainly do what we could as long as we could to stay together.

with all this new stuff happening, i think we needed to reassure each other that we'd still be together even if we had to be apart.  that does feel good.  that would be another layer of sadness, tho, and it's sad just to think that it may be a real thing for us.  hopefully not.  we'll keep working to keep anything like that at bay, fight on!  i wish there was an emoji for a fist in the air.  i'd definitely use that one a lot!

[Candid]

one thing that kept me going was knowing that each feeling, each emotion i could consciously feel was a triumph of re-wiring my brain, no matter how bad it felt.

I hear you now, thanks. For the longest time I've been aware when I'm feeling bad (hard to miss) but never thought to explore whether it's anger, grief or fear; just get on the internet (dissociating) or turned to other addictions such as smoking and drinking, (more of the same and all of them harmful to our beautiful peepers).   

what's been helpful to me is to be more still and focused on myself, especially bodily sensations.  i used mindful breathing for that.

So you deliberately create a space to feel what you're feeling? I thought it would be enough to acknowledge the 'bad' feelings as they arise -- not that I've done much of that. A few years ago I was in a therapy group where the co-ordinator kept saying "name it to tame it". Only recently have I seen the value of that. Slow learner, me. Another of her slogans was "neurons that fire together wire together", and I know that was about changes to the brain.

Thanks for the how-to. Anger is the toughest one for me, probably for most of us because it was actively punished or ridiculed by 'caregivers'. I have a couple of monstrous unfairnesses from mother (of course from mother) that have been rankling lately. I never called her out on them. Hmm, just thought of a post for another thread of mine.

i just started writing what i thought i was supposed to be feeling, how it was supposed to feel, what i would say if i actually felt it.  it really was a 'fake it till you make it' kind of scenario.  eventually, the anger began being released on its own, and i was able to begin getting it out.

Another one of those handy rhyming slogans!

my anger is coming to the fore more quickly now than ever before.  another triumph.

for too long i just cried without really knowing why.  i was never angry.

Yes, sadness comes first because it's less unacceptable than anger. I felt sad pretty much all the time until I began to think of things mother had said and done. Then the grief was mixed with bewilderment that she could have behaved like that, and lots of very toxic self-blame came in. Now, long after NC, I'm outraged at those couple of things.

BTW, I deleted my previous post here because I thought it was too much about me, when you're suffering so much right now. I don't pray as such, but I thought of you last night and wished you well. You've given me so much help from the first day I posted here.



I've just seen your last post and remembered you're in Mexico. Is your H anywhere near ready to retire? I so hope you won't have to live apart. xx

[jdcooper]

i was this sparkly little girl, and they stifled that sparkle from day one, especially my dad.  That sparkly spirit stayed alive within me, but the real me was being chipped away.

This made me cry san; thinking about the sparkly little girl that you were and the wounds inflicted on her.

i was so very, profoundly sad for what had been done to me - they wanted to erase me!

I hear you san, I feel the same.

and now my eyes are paying the price for having held all that sadness for so long.  my poor darling eyes that did their best to protect me from being mocked by my dad (geez, i can't even talk to you, and the waterworks start)  when i was distressed because i'd displeased him.  mocked by my sister and friends for crying at movies.  mocked by my daughters who would always check at some event we were at to see if i was crying (i usually was), mocked by adult friends (the tears are running down my face now).

You've carried so much pain for so long san.  I am so sorry!  No one validated you.

he's not anymore, now knows that it's a sign of distress, and has even learned to gather me in.  thank you, god.

I am so glad san, you should get that validation now and forever more.  I am so glad you two have come together in your grief.

and now my dear younger daughter hands me tissue when we're in any way going to be involved in something emotional.

Oh, I am so happy that you have such a wonderful daughter.  How precious your relationship must be!

please, as scary as it might be, i want everyone else to take a lesson from this and get those frickin' emotions out of you!!!  they will kill you if you don't!!! 

I hear you san.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  You are such a blessing to everyone on this forum.  You are such a wonderful spirit.  I want you to know how much you've helped me.

i began with writing, keeping an anger journal, so to speak, with nothing but anger inside it.  i just started writing what i thought i was supposed to be feeling, how it was supposed to feel, what i would say if i actually felt it.  it really was a 'fake it till you make it' kind of scenario.  eventually, the anger began being released on its own, and i was able to begin getting it out.

This is what I need to do.  I remember when on my recovery journal I spewed out all this stuff about how my father was evil, the devil, and just all kinds of nasty stuff.  Then I read the guidelines and it says don't dehumanize your perpetrator and insult them etc.  I am was like oops. (The administrators must not have noticed) So maybe I need my own anger journal.  Awhile ago I got a punching bag and yesterday I finally got the gloves and filled the base of the punching bag with water, so its ready to go.

my anger is coming to the fore more quickly now than ever before.  another triumph.

i'm able to more easily sit with them at times, just let them be there, and not rush to cover them up, bury them with food, deny them, or push them down or away once more.

You are an inspiration.  This is so difficult and so brave to do.

it was good to talk about it, let him know my thoughts and feelings about it.

So glad you have this support.  You also have the support of people here.   

[sanmagic7]

thank you all for your kind words and caring.  i'm sick now from all this stress, my legs aren't working again quite right, and i can't do too much today but watch tennis, maybe play some games.  yesterday was not good.  little better today, but i still need to take a break.  love to you all.

by the by, my hub is mexican, doesn't have papers, so can't cross the border.  and, in mex, the retirement age has recently been raised to 70, and there is no pension/soc. sec. here from the gov't.  people here are basically on their own all their lives.  part of the idea of having big families is so that there will be someone to take care of you when you get too old to care for yourself.  no gov't relief or housing for seniors, either.  this is a culture of poverty that has smacked me in the face for how uncaring and difficult it is to live.

[Downsideup]

Oh gosh...I had no idea it was so hard for the elderly and/or sick to get care in Mexico. And to think we want to make it harder for those people to get papers....Sadly, there's nothing you can do about that situation. Try to focus on the things you can change. Maybe you could look for a better hospital? Look online for what people have to say about the medical staff and try to find a doctor who actually knows what they're doing (so not the one your husband went to). I can't say much else but I'm here with you and I hope you find relief from the stress.

[sanmagic7]

getting my ducks in a row for tomorrow's dr. appt.  it's my last shot - i just don't have the energy anymore to do more than get through one day, then another.  i've gathered all my info on everything that's bothering me, all the different ways i'm sick, both body and brain.  we'll see what he does with it.  if he cares, if he's a healer at heart, he'll want to look into everything in more detail.  if he's just there to collect his paycheck, i'll come home and never see him again.  day to day, give me strength. 

and, last night i had it out with my hub about his outbursts toward me when i ask him a question and he doesn't want to answer it cuz he's tired or frustrated or something.  told him he's now the most stressful person in my life, and i'm not having it anymore.  he attacks me, as if i'm trying to cage him or hurt him or take advantage of him emotionally -  too much time on the streets that he hasn't left behind, or it happened with his ex, or w/ his mom and dad.  i don't know, but i've had it.  he'll be o so wonderful, gather me in, we'll have in depth conversations about all this, i'm feeling like we're continuing to get much closer, then wham!  out of the blue, i ask 'why' he's going to do something and the other night i got 'why?  do i have to report every little thing i'm doing to you?'  or, there's something about his face/eyes that tells me something's not quite right, and i'll ask what's wrong and wham! 'why does something have to be wrong? don't tell me how i feel!'

so, i told him last night that he's pulling me closer, then he does something like that and pushes me away.  i have an idea what's going on with him - fear of intimacy, that kind of thing, plus being vulnerable on the streets gets you hurt - and that now i'm distanced, don't feel safe asking questions anymore cuz i don't want this in my life.  he went to a meeting, but never talked about it when he got home and for a change, i didn't ask. 

when we talked about the 'report to me' statement, he apologized, said it was a stupid word, wrong choice of words.  i told him it wasn't stupid, it was exactly what he was feeling cuz he has a perception of me that he hasn't let go of in 15 yrs.   i don't know if this can be fixed anymore, and i'm tired of trying.

i don't trust him, and i feel bad about that.  gotta protect myself.  he'll still do all these errands and stuff for me, but, like i told him, questions are what help people get closer, so to cut out the questions keeps the distance.  i don't like it, don't know what else to do.  opinions are always welcome.   

i wish i could do more on this forum, but right now i'm pretty much depleted.  have to do paperwork today for the appt. tomorrow, take a shower, and i'm still highlighting the high points in what i've written out for the doc.  i'm pushing myself to get this done, to go thru with this tomorrow - it'll be an all day trip, and my hub and i don't do well traveling together cuz he's always telling me what to do and not do and i get pissed and we always end up in a big fight - more stress! 

but, it's gotta be done, it's my last chance, my last shot to see if someone will help me, and i don't doubt it'll knock me out for a few weeks after.  i just wanted to touch base here.  i'm all out and all in at the same time.

[Wife#2]

You take care of you right now, San. That's a full-time job with unexpected overtime lately.

Just know we're here. Many of us love you and we're standing beside you.

My hands are glowing to have the chance to lay on your shoulders and course healing warmth through them to your whole being. They do that when I want to physically help someone. And I certainly want to help you, my friend. 

[Blueberry]

Good to hear from you sanmagic, even though you are in a really difficult place right now. I've missed you round the forum. Though of course I knew you were backing out for a bit to look after yourself. Which is totally legit!!

Sending you good thoughts for your doc appointment and ongoing stuff with H.

[Three Roses]

 

[Candid]

Lovely San, I was just outside for a smoke and I thought of you, decided to come back in and write a short message on your 'checking out' thread, and here you are! I hope the doctor will truly listen to you and be able to help you.

i don't trust him, and i feel bad about that.  gotta protect myself.  he'll still do all these errands and stuff for me, but... 

I'm in a similar situation, so no opinions from me on that score, except to protect yourself.

it's my last chance, my last shot to see if someone will help me, and i don't doubt it'll knock me out for a few weeks after.  i just wanted to touch base here.

I'm so glad you did. 

day to day, give me strength. 

Yeah, same here. 

[sanmagic7]

ok, doc report.  i saw the doc of internal medicine fri.  i ranted and raved, fighting for my life.  it was messy and turbulent (i apologized to her before i left - i was pretty harsh lol!  armored in righteousness and frustration because i've been talking to docs about what's going on with me for over 30 yrs. and no one has helped - except the one guy that finally listened when i told him that i hadn't slept for 20 yrs., he sent me to a sleep clinic which is where it was discovered that i have restless leg syndrome (familiar with that?  most people move their legs about 10x/hr.  mine were moving 19x/hr. which meant that they kept waking me up during the night unbeknownst to me, preventing me from being able to go to the profound deep sleep that we need to feel rested and our brains need to feel nourished) and i got meds to help calm my legs so i could finally sleep.  wow!  what a feeling it was, really, that first night!  i couldn't believe how good it felt to sleep!

being me, i naturally researched rls and that was my first clue that something might be wrong with my actual brain.  it seems that a part of the brain sends out signals to the legs normally, and they are mostly still while we sleep.  with rls, these signals are faulty, and the legs twitch or are uncomfortable to a degree that we feel compelled to move them.  either way, we're not conscious of it during the night, but too much moving makes for broken sleep that we're not aware of.

so, i went into her office with about 30 pages of what's going on with me, including info on c-ptsd, alexithymia, how i can't manage stress - my legs stop functioning properly after a stressful stretch or situation, i can barely walk, just can't make them move the way i want to.  i've been thinking another type of brain disconnect - and pictures of scans of both normal and traumatized brains - what a difference!  where areas of a normal brain are peach-sized, those same areas of a traumatized brain are pea-sized.  also, info on adrenal fatigue and all my lab results, 2 diff. tests, one last july, one last nov., one this year showing how my adrenals aren't functioning correctly (she wants to dismiss this one, most conventional docs don't believe in adrenal fatigue, so i've gotta take the test over so she can see for herself cuz, as she said, it depends on what state i was in at the time i took the test.  ok, whatever.)

anyway, in the end, i got what i wanted.  she told me that since all my tests came back normal (no diabetes, no thyroid problems, no high blood pressure, etc.) that she's thinking there's something wrong neurologically with me.  so, the middle of sept. i'm scheduled to get more comprehensive lab tests done, get a brain scan (yay!!!  i really wanted that!), talk to a shrink (she diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder - which is what c-ptsd is often diagnosed as even in the states), talk to a rheumatologist (she diagnosed me with fibromyalgia) and talk to a dermatologist about the fungal infection, and whatever else little things keep popping up on my skin.

so, the waiting begins.  in the meantime, next month it's back to the ophthamologist to see what needs to be done about my eyes.  all these waiting games suck.  my left eye especially is bothering me, vision is out of whack in it.   when i told christa about all this, she asked if i wanted to see an american doc.  i told her that i had nowhere to stay, and i have no idea how long it would be to get a general doc who takes medicare, get all these tests done cuz i don't know if anyone up there would accept these mexican lab tests, get referrals to specialists, what the wait time would be just to get in to see one, that i'd thought about it and i'm thinking it would take at least a year to get this sorted out and possibly treated up there.  we're talking internal medicine, shrink, rheumatologist, dermatologist, ophthamalogist, brain scans, lab tests - who the * knows if that would even be do-able, what the co-pays are, what the meds might cost, etc.  one part of me thinks the treatment would be better, one part of me knows that i wouldn't be able to afford it (i pay about $500/yr. for this ins. here, and everything is paid for - general docs, specialists, meds, hospital, surgery, the whole nine yard)s.  i just don't think it's feasible.

my hub had retina detachment surgery, they inject a gas bubble into the eyeball which is sposed to push the retina back in place and the body absorbs this bubble and voila!  but, he says that his vision is just as blurry now as it was before the surgery, even tho he's also had 2 shots that were sposed to dissolve what has remained of the bubble (it didn't get absorbed) and he has one more shot to go.  if i end up in that same boat, i won't be able to get a dr. lic. in the states anymore.  i think i'm in denial about what that really means - not being able to drive?  holy *!!!

anyways, that's what i'm looking at now, but at least these things are gonna be looked at properly, and for that i'm so thankful.  in the meantime, she gave me prozac (to calm my mind, said it's running too fast all the time, doesn't shut down), some simulated morphine for the pain, and some med. that works on the brain to try to smooth out what's going on inside.  left and right hemispheres aren't in a smooth communication pattern.  i read that alexithymia produces an inordinate number of connective nerves between right and left, so the communication is more like static  or white noise rather than being clear and understandable.

ok, more than you've ever wanted to know about what's going on with my body and brain.  there we have it.  at least by the time this is all over with, i should have some answers.  that's all i've ever wanted.

we'll see what happens.  glad that's over, now have to play the waiting game.  i'm kinda loopy from these meds right now, gotta give them a few days to settle in. 

thank you and love and hugs to all you wonderful, lovely people here for all your good wishes and support.  you've been a godsend.  i couldn't have gotten this far without you. 

[Candid]

You sound stronger and happier today, San. Not exactly  , but more like  than 

An eye operation is scary, specially if the health system you're in feels dodgy. I often think I'd like to have lasik surgery, but being me I focus on the stories of resultant blindness. 

Made me laugh, your excitement over getting a brain scan. I'd like one too. My original trauma therapist told me childhood cruelty leaves visible lesions, so I'm sure my originally walnut-shaped brain must look like a pile of soggy and tangled spaghetti by now. I'd like to have something tangible that I can say: "See? See what she did to me?"