Out of the Storm

i feel like i'm starting this from the ending and going backward.  that's how my recovery feels.  i'll be 70 next year, and most all i've learned about narc abuse and c-ptsd has begun within the past two years.  this hasn't been a pleasant journey, full of wonderful realizatons and major movements forward to health and healing.  instead, it's been a descent into disappearance with basically my smile remaining to the last.  just like the cheshire cat, my being and my essence are fading away.  the more i've come to know about what's happened to me, what's continued to happen to me, what's going on with me, the sicker i'm become physically.  my mind is full of knowledge while my body is crumbling into nothingness - all the result of layers and years of trauma, abuse, and chronic stress.  this is a cautionary tale - in my deepest soul, i want others to avoid what i'm going through if at all possible.

that's it for now.  this will be in bits and pieces, bactracks and forward movements, all higgledy-piggledy at times.  i will speak of sadness, profound sadness, mainly because there was so much more i wanted to do, but i'm losing the strength and energy to do it.  i will speak of anger, virulent anger at the thought that people took advantage of my good nature when i was loving and trusting toward everyone.  i will speak of not having access to my emotions for most of my life, of brain and body damage that have resulted from abuse.  i will just speak for as long and as often as i am able.  i feel so dramatic writing this, yet it has been the drama and madness that has been my life, that has brought me to this place. 

i have one more physical trip to make, and while i'm determined to make it, i'm terrified that i will be a blubbering mess the entire time.  i'm writing in the hope that i can avoid that.  it's too important to me.

I think you can do it! Maybe a visual would help you - like picturing taking your Inner Child to visit your daughter. That way it puts you in more of a helper role, which I think you're more comfortable with. Not sure if that's helpful, but I'm sending you good vibes. ;)

3 roses, you're right about being more comfy in a helper role.  that's very true.  i'm afraid i don't understand what you mean about taking my inner child to see my daughter.  i can't visualize how that would look or work, can't make a connection with it at all.  it brought tears to my eyes when i read it, so i know it hit a spot, but i can't comprehend the meaning of what you're suggesting.

by blubbering mess, i'm meaning that i will be so glad to see her finally in the pacific nw, which has been a dream of hers for 15 yrs.  i'm so happy she made it there.  this will also be the first amer. christmas i'll be involved in since i got to mex. 15 yrs. ago, and to celebrate it with her means the world to me (see, more tears just writing this).  i already told her that when she meets me at the bus not to get freaked cuz i'll be wearing a medical mask cuz i'm so afraid of getting physically ill now since i have no defenses left to even fight off a cold - within 3 days it begins going to my lungs, and that's happened 3 times in the past year, went to bronchitis and once on the verge of pneumonia.  have been on big antibiotics cuz the regular ones don't work anymore, and i'm now so afraid of all this. 

last night i went to a christmas party for my hub, could only stay 1/2 hr. cuz it was so overwhelming, and i left before the food was even served.  i used to be the life of these parties, even when they're speaking so rapidly in a language that i can't understand unless it's really slowly said.  i'm afraid that when i get to her place i won't be able to do anything w/ her without napping most of the day and just being a horrible house guest.   i never had these fears before - i'd just go do what i wanted to do and know that i'd deal with whatever comes up.  last night scared me.  i'm so much sicker now than i've ever been, but i'm determined to see her in the place of her dreams, even if it's the last time i see her.  that's where this fear and all the medical/physical stuff has led me.  my recovery has led me to this place.  i'm doing what i can, but the stress, trauma, everything around all that has damaged me to the point where i can feel that i'm on the edge. 

i've started some simple, beginner yoga moves - the pain is so bad there's nothing relaxing about them.  i'm now taking painkillers daily and xanax nearly that often just to soothe the pain and the tension that my body continues to hold.  with those meds, i can do a little yoga stretching, but it isn't relaxing, it's more like a chore.  van der kolk's book is waiting for me at my daughter's - it's my last shot.  otherwise, i'll just rest, relax, sleep as much as possible in the hopes that my adrenals and my system don't get any worse.  his best and only real friend just died last week, and i'm all my hub has now as far as someone he can trust.  (he is known by everyone in this town, and by association, so am i, so it's not like he doesn't have friends.  just no one he can talk with, have his private jokes with.)  my hub asked what could be done to eliminate stress for me, but i told him that stress is part of life.  i just have no defenses against life anymore.  i'm fading.

which is why i said at the beginning, i feel like this will be a journal going backwards, what i've learned along the way, what this has all done for and to me.  i'm standing with my back to the trunk of a great tree, looking out over the field of flowers that had been my life.  in spite of the madness, anyone who asks, i'd tell them i had a great life - road trips, meeting people, learning languages and cultures, adventures, experiences, dreams realized.  it's been great fun, loads of laughs.  lots of friends, activities, parties, experimentation.  broke rules, broke laws, and bent even more.  free spirit, a bit of a wild child.  i'm not sorry for all that, don't regret it one bit.  i didn't expect this.  maybe i can look at it as one more adventure.  never had this one before.  close, but never quite like this.  we'll see what happens.

the first flower i'm looking at is all about bodywork to release toxic emotions/feelings that i've stored in my body from forever, i think.  trained not to allow myself to feel what i feel, i went through life rather 'floaty' is the only way i can describe it.  people called it sm's world that i'd wander through, unaware much of the time of what might be going on around me, what it might mean, how i felt about anything, and definitely never feeling grounded.  so, after all these years, i decided to go after all the crapola that has been stored in my body, causing me numerous physical ailments and constant pain.

there was a time, probably in my mid-30's, when i could get an all-over massage and come away feeling so loose and relaxed, like i was one big noodle.  it felt so good, and it happened several times.  then the effects of my adult trauma and chronic stress began making themselves known.  eventually, i could barely be touched without a whole lot of pain.  even the leg massage during a pedicure hurt so badly, i would burst into sobs.  this was quite unsettling - here i was, doing something good for myself, but the results were terrible.

when i moved to mexico, i tried a few massage therapists here, but i ended up so distraught that one time i had to be driven home.  the experience caused me to not be able to walk very well, and i could barely move my head.  this phenomenon had happened several times before this, usually after a series of very stressful events.  i had 4 breakdowns like this before i moved here, having to miss a week of work with each one.  i didn't know what was going on. 

after this happened again here in mexico, i looked for a healer, someone who had a different  approach to body wellness.  i found one, a man who advocated leg massage.  i visited him 10 times, each time i let loose a torrent of tears from the pain.  it was gentle rubbing, all done below the knees.  for some reason i knew this release of tears was important, but i didn't know why, only that it was something i needed to do, which is why i kept coming back.

10 times was enough, and, again, i had a difficult time moving.  i began thinking about all this and decided that my body was holding a lot of poison.  when i'd visit the states, i'd take my daughter for a massage.  i hadn't given up - i knew they were good for circulation, but the results were always the same.  i was in tears for most of the session.  eventually things got worse, and i couldn't even make it for an hour anymore.  sometimes within 15 min., i'd had enough.  i felt worse after the massage than before, curled into a fetal position and resting like that until i could sit myself up in order to get off the table.

i noticed after a few of these that i would feel a rush of emotion when  touched in certain places, and the bells of awareness began to ring.   i'd feel the emotion violently, but now my tears had a focus.  i'm talking about 20 yrs. before this happened.  i found a massage therapist here in mex. who did pressure point work.  the first few times she worked on me, it was the same results - terrible pain, difficulty getting up, and several days before i could walk normally.  sessions didn't last more than 20 minutes.  somewhere inside me (trust your gut!) i knew this was what i needed to be doing, so i kept it up, even tho i knew it would be horribly painful each time, and eventually, i was able to tolerate a full-body massage for the first time in all those years.  this was without the pressure points, however - simply a massage to relax.  i felt that it was a triumph.  she had done a bit of pressure points twice a week, and a lot of emotion was being released, a lot of tissues being used.

about two months ago, i felt i was ready to tackle this beast as much as possible, and told her to go for it.  i'd been feeling pretty strong, had been doing some walking and weight-lifting, and just feeling pretty good about everything.  i thought i was ready.  this night, as she hit spot after spot after spot i was nearly screaming in agony until the end when i felt myself regress to about 14 yrs. old and an incident w/ my parents where i was in a lot of emotional pain and neither put out a hand or kind word.  i started calling my hub through my sobs, he kept saying 'i'm here' from the other room, but i wanted him with me, i wanted to be embraced, a little girl in terrible pain and distress.  being on crutches, it took him quite a bit of time to get to me, and then he didn't really know what to do.  he didn't know to gather me in, hold me, soothe me.  the massage lady was standing there, he wanted to pay her, i just wanted him to be with me, she just stood there, waiting.  finally he said he was going to take care of her, and i began screaming 'i don't care about her - i need you'.  he paid her, left me sobbing, not knowing what to do. 

it was one of the most horrible experiences of my recent life.  it took me two weeks to get my legs back.  i couldn't drive, go to the store, nothing.  after all the progress i'd made, believing that this was going to move me forward even more, i was blindsided.  since then i've discovered i have alexithymia and adrenal fatigue.  i believe i completely depleted my defenses.  about a month later, i caught a cold, and within 3 days i went to the doc, he said it had already begun moving into my lungs.  i don't have enough left in my system to even ward off a cold.  the last time this happened was after a 3-wk. trip, and i got bronchitis.

so, that's my first flower in the field i'm looking back on.  i feel more sick now even than when i ran for my life to mexico to heal.  the simplest yoga  does not feel good.  i can still run a finger down my arm and feel pain.  it's a sturdy tree.

as i gave myself time away from this post, i wondered what the point of it was, or what i'd learned from it.  well, i think the biggest thing i've learned is that this is a fierce-y, loathsome beast, and not one to be underestimated, which i believe i did.  i didn't realize how much toxic everything could be stored in my body, thought i'd gotten rid of enough of it to go for the rest of the enchilada, when all i did was open the floodgates to hurting myself even more.

looking back over the years, i was quite healthy into my 30's.  that's when i could walk 5 mi. and was at the gym, lifting free weights 6 days/week.  my body was toned and i felt young and strong.  during my 40's was when the stress-related problems began.  it started with IBS and difficulty sleeping.  the madness had begun by the time i was 35, and it took about 7 yrs. for it to begin showing it's ugly face physically.  i injured myself and had to stop lifting, which broke my heart.  i'm sure i was angry about it as well, but i wasn't in touch with emotions at the time, so i must've swallowed that anger, like all the rest of them.  the breakdowns began in my 40's, my latest being in jan. of this year.  i began therapy at 38, and i believe she was a narc - she had no morals, ethics, or boundaries when it came to me.  being a newly recovering alcoholic/addict, i was extremely vulnerable, believed everything she said, and did everything she told me to do.  even when things didn't feel right, i never said anything - more swallowing -  because she had me in a web that included not only being her client, but her best friend and employee as well.

my first cues that something was wrong, when i look way back, was that at 16 i was already thinking about how big a splash it would make while i was walking home from school and a car would hit and kill me, how important that kind of thing would make me seem.  and, while i was living at my parents' house, i bit my nails down to the quick.  i didn't think anything of it then, until i went away to college.  suddenly, the anxiety/nail-biting disappeared, and my nails grew out, and they were beautiful.   i've never bitten my nails again.   the body tells the story, indeed!

so, i had been holding everything inside me since i was very young.  this last 'exorcism' that i'd attempted was way too much for over 60 yrs. of toxins built up and in my being.   during the years of the madness, there was so much coming at me from so many different directions that i just didn't realize the extent of the damage, even when my body began breaking down.  i realize it now.  i hope anyone who reads this realizes it way sooner than i.  these warning signs - physical problems, depression, anxiety - are all ways that our bodies and brains are telling us that we've already become overloaded.  we are toxic and are being harmed.  we are in danger.

a thought that came to me last night was the saying in addiction work that addiction is the disease that tells you there's nothing wrong with you, that everything's wrong with everyone else.   now that i see c-ptsd with new eyes, i believe it is the condition that tells you everything is wrong with you and nothing is wrong with everyone else.  addicts believe their behaviors and ways of thinking are right/correct, and everyone else has it wrong.  c-ptsd'ers believe the fault is all within themselves, that they are all wrong and everyone else is correct.  wow - now that i can see these 2 from both sides, i can see that all the thinking and belief systems are faulty.  in the midst of the c-ptsd beast - the fearsome jabborwock - we have assimilated everything incorrectly because we were given faulty information to begin with at a very young age, and our child's minds incorporated it as if it were truth.  well, why not?  we didn't know better, didn't know how to separate truth from fiction.  we were learning, sponges that soaked everything up, even as its acid was beginning to destroy us at every chance.

bodywork, i believe, is important in order to begin releasing that acid.  it can be difficult, painful, and take awhile, but the sooner it's begun, the better the results.  the more we release, the less our bodies have to attempt to incorporate and adapt to its presence.  i don't regret what i've done and how i've done it.  i've just learned that, like everything else, pacing is important.  the more years that this stuff has had a chance to wreak havoc with one's body, the more patience is needed to go slowly, take one's time in its release.  too much too soon can also be harmful.  i am still recovering, but today i have hope. 

as i look a bit further back, behind the bodywork escapade that left me nearly broken (but only because i believed i could 'handle' (i've learned to hate that word) more than i actually could, the next thing that comes into my vision is the alexithymia flower.  i'd discovered it while posting here, wondering why i had such delayed reactions to an incident.  someone suggested alexithymia, i looked it up, took the diagnostic self-test, and yep, there it was, in black and white - i was nearly completely out of touch with my emotions!  i wasn't aware of them, didn't know how to emotionally react to most situations, couldn't describe how i was feeling - i view it now as being emotionally deaf, dumb, and blind (no offense meant if i said that wrong).  literally could not hear what my body was telling me when it had an emotional reaction, couldn't speak about my emotions because i wasn't understanding the concept of most of them (i did know sadness, felt sad most all the time at whatever happened), and couldn't see what was going on either with myself or others emotionally.  all those floaty years were because i was bereft of emotions - there was nothing grounding me to reality. 

here was a big shock, but it answered a lot of questions.  as an emdr therapist, i belong to an online support community, and talked about it there (2 therapists had brought up stories of their clients being either afraid of their emotions, especially anger, or not feeling anything when asked how a memory felt).  being without a therapist who knew anything about trauma, i figured i would have to tackle this myself, and put out a plea.  one therapist answered, gave me some exercises to do.  when i told him i was afraid my brain was broken ('afraid' was just a figure of speech then.  i didn't really feel afraid, just realistically concerned) he told me he didn't think it was broken, but maybe needed to be re-wired.  that was a rather new concept for me, and i set to work.

the exercises were exhausting, and when i mentioned this to him, he told me that re-wiring is more difficult to do than the original wiring, which goes on at a young age.  several things happened at once during this time.  i went to my therapist for the first time in 4 mos. (the heat here is unbearable to me during the summer, and even the a/c at her place didn't help.  i had had to quit seeing her in june because i was struck w/ heat exhaustion sitting in her office for a half hour, told her i'd be back when it cools down).   that didn't happen till oct.

i talked to her about the alexithymia, explained it to her, and gave her an info sheet (all in spanish - she didn't speak english) and told her the only positive feeling i had was with hugs.  since i had been seeing her at the end of jan., when i had that major ef that lasted 8 months, i always wanted to end the session with a hug.  when i had my own clients, i did that regularly (more body work, so to speak - hugs release endorphins in the brain, i believe, and make someone feel good.  skin touching skin, such as cheek to cheek, increases the health of that organ.  i used to call hugs 'skin health').  she was never comfortable w/ hugs, always said it was her culture, but i heard a lot of that since i've been here, and much of it just doesn't ring true for me.  yes, there are cultural differences, but i explained to her that the hugging thing is something that goes beyond cultures and is good for every person.  she used to say that she'd give me a hug because i was the client and it was what i wanted.  i always thought hugs were a lovely, caring way to close a session, even in my own practice.

so, oct., alexithymia and hugs.  we discussed this at length, me telling her how they were the one thing that i could 'feel' in a good way.  (touch is a biggie for me.  often, i would go to a fabric store to relax just by spending an hour touching various fabrics, or to the library, feeling the bindings and pages.  sex, when i got honest about it, was about being touched, rather than feeling pleasure at the act itself.)  she began explaining that she wasn't taught to do that as a therapist, brought up the culture again, i told her that my hub was from her culture but he learned the value of hugs in his recovery groups, so i knew that mexican people did it and enjoyed it.  this conversation went on for about 20 min., then she said she'd read the info i brought her and devise some techniques for me to do.  i was basically dismissed.  i stood up and put out my arms for a hug, and she said, no, i'm not going to do that anymore. 

i was floored!  i couldn't believe that during that entire conversation she'd wait till the end to tell me 'no'.  i walked out w/o saying anything, got to my car and got pissed!  i was banging on the dash, yelling, swearing, couldn't firckin' believe it!  i got home, told my hub, he thought it was wrong also, and i decided to call her, tell her i was mad.  i told him that she'd either say 'ok, i'm glad you got mad, you found an emotion, that's good', or she'd say 'why?'.  if the latter, i would fire her.  yep, she ended up being toast.  when i spoke to my mentor about it, he said i took back my power, and it was a good thing.  the next week she called my husband (he had been seeing her for communication issues) and told him that it was probably a good thing she and i weren't seeing each other because of the language barrier, and then went on to tell him all that she'd told me in our session.  well, there's a breach of confidentiality if i ever saw one - she shouldn't have called him in the first place about anything that had to do with me!  he tried to excuse her (i've stopped excusing people like this) by saying she felt more comfy talking to him in spansih, and i said, no, she broke confidentiality, no matter what language it was in.  so, another therapist down the drain.

i had done 3 exercises so far for the re-wiring, and had gotten in touch with my fear,  ( the anger was beginning to make itself known sooner than before) both the feeling and the body sensation that went with it (tightening in my chest), when the exorcism happened.  these 3 types of situations, i believe, worked together to deplete me of whatever defenses i had left.  this was my second therapist here in our little town with whom i'd had to split (the first, a psychologist simply bailed on me one day, never gave a reason, just never showed up again!).  it's unsettling, to say the least.  i can see being angry at the psycho now, but at the time i wasn't in touch.  it's too bad, cuz i saw him at the gym after that, and i could have told him off, and it would have felt good.

because of all this, i've had to put the re-wiring on hold for the nonce (love that word!).  i do have access to fear now, so that's a good thing, i guess.  i've gone so long, done so much, accomplished so many things that i might not have if i'd realized what others realize, and have been afraid about it.  so, in one way, the alexithymia allowed me to do and go places i might never have done or gone, and for that i'm grateful.  i'm hoping that when my adrenals become stronger, i will be able to continue the re-wiring act and become fully human.  that's kind of what it feels like, like i'm kind of robotic.  without those feelings, i didn't understand why fear stopped anyone from doing anything, couldn't have empathy for them, and took quite the arrogant and non-compassionate stance.  my first therapist even told me i had no compassion.  no one ever bothered to find out why. 

so, therapists come, therapists go - i've had my share of incompetents.  maybe that's why i became one myself - i was fascinated with the 'why' of human behavior.  learning about myself has taught me more than 25 + yrs. at this job has ever come close to.  i want to thank the kind person (can't remember which one of you sent me that link - sorry.  i know it's under my posting of 'delayed realizations') who let me know about alexithymia.   i'm forever grateful.  i'd spent so much of my life either feeling out of emotional reality or completely confused.  i've now read that alexithymia shows several different portions of the brain that are under-activated by emotional stimuli, while the cognitive portion of the brain become over-activated.  yeah, i can relate.  i spent a lot of time thinking about how i'm supposed to feel, looking to others for cues and clues as to appropriate emotions and feelings for any given situation.  it was like the caterpillar said to alice 'who are you?'.  i really didn't know.  that human, emotional part of me had gotten wired incorrectly, most likely from messages from my dad before i was two.  my brain has been damaged because of it.  that's a chilling thought, but the idea that it can be re-wired gives me hope.  if only i can get well enough to pursue that option before i go up in smoke. 

burrs.  we used to call them prickers or hitchhikers when we were kids.  if they hit your bare skin, they scratched you.  if your got enough scratches, blood was drawn.  otherwise they stuck to your clothes - shoes, socks, shorts, shirts, even your hair - and were really difficult to get off.  if they got stuck in the wrong place, they kept scratching, kept hurting you.  they made tangled messes of your hair.   it also hurt to pull them off with your fingers - their prickers were so awfully sharp.

looking back, still during this year, i remembered two burrs that i had to unstick from myself in the past 4 months.  one was a man with whom i'd been in love back in college, like, 50 yrs. ago.  he found me out of the blue.  i'd broken his heart back then, and was so happy to hear from him so that i could apologize.  it was a bad time for me - in the middle of this huge ef, my hub and i having problems communicating and getting along - and the resurgence of this man seemed to be just what the doctor ordered.  a little fun, a little flirty, a little love that lasted over 5 decades - it all made for a real feel-good distraction from what was going on in my real life.  he's married, so am i, we both got permission from spouses to correspond, but the affection meter ramped from o to 100 inside a very short time.  we were both very excited to be talking to each other, but it turned out that his wife suddenly didn't like that there were daily good mornings and sleep wells every night.  he also began being very critical and judgmental of me and how i've lived my life.  then he began hiding the calls from his wife, baiting her by buying me little gifts while he was with her, and telling me how mad she was getting.  ok, so i stayed at the party too long, but i realized that, while i stood up for myself and questioned about his wife being upset, he continually brushed it all off, no apologies anywhere.  this time, it only took me 2 months, but i recognized him as a burr and had to get rid of him.  i was abrupt about it because i had to pull him off me as quickly as i could.  i didn't trust myself not to let him keep riding along, being nasty to both me and his wife.  so i plucked him out of my hair, and it hurt, but i realized this was another misogynist i'd let into my life.  i'd actually had 2 clues back when we were dating all those years ago, and i was hoping that my gut was wrong about him.  it wasn't.  but it still hurt, and i still want to tell him why i did what i did, but i know i'd only be picking that burr up again and scratching myself with it.  better left alone.

the other burr was my longtime friend, about whom i wrote.  a 20-yr. friendship.  she actually represented a lot of burrs that i'd let stick to me for all these years.  her final email, the DARVO, was what sold me on having to get rid of her altogether.  so difficult.  after just finding out about my adrenals and how i'm to avoid stress as much as possible, while this was a good thing for my life to pick her burrs off me, it was also stressful as all get out.  still, it had to be done.  to not do so would only invite more stress, the anticipation of stress, and really never being able to trust her again.  i think that last one is the clincher.  i can't be in a relationship where i can't trust a person to be kind to me even if i'm in an imperfect place.  so, burr picking - so many of them collected in 20 yrs.  again, i don't want to go near her or i'll have them all over me in a minute.  i don't need that, can't have that if i'm wanting to heal myself.

my field of flowers looks great from afar, but once getting into the smallest of places, the weeds begin showing.  what i thought were red roses turned out to be too many that were only painted that way to fool me.  i was fooled for a long time.  i trusted everyone all my life, never thinking for a moment that they didn't have my best interests at heart, as i usually had theirs.  it's been a brutal wake-up call to discover the reality of the wonderland i'd lived in within my mind.   but i'm still here, today with my head more firmly on my shoulders than it's been for a long, long time.

so far, i've been writing about awarenesses, realizations, and what i've been doing in the latter 6 mos. of this year.  i haven't talked about adrenal fatigue, the knowledge now of how fragile my immune system is, and the fear i'm feeling about what all that means for me.  but, i'm leaving tomorrow for my 30-hr. bus ride to visit my daughter, complete w/ medical mask firmly in place, which should, in itself, help keep people away from me who might be sick so i don't catch anything my body can't fight anymore.  i even emailed my daughter about this cuz i didn't want to freak her out.  the idea that i am so low as to have to take these precautionary measures does not fill my heart with glee.  still, it must be done.  at this end of my flower field, i'm glad my big oak tree is solid and sturdy enough to lean against.  perhaps for this trip, i'll sit on the grass at its feet, get as comfortable as possible.  and, away!

well, couldn't sleep so i thought i'd put the rest of this past 6 months to bed if nothing else.  i swear, this year has seemed like whack-a-mole - one thing seemed to be taken care of, another popped up.  it's been difficult to keep up with it at times, and this is supposedly recovery.  it's felt like the biggest battle of my life this year - i have not had a more difficult year that i can remember, even in the midst of the madness.

at any rate,  the last 6 weeks i've been hitting the doc and lab circuit pretty hard trying to find out why, exactly, i'm so sick when it seemed like i was getting better for awhile.  i've had a suspicion about adrenal fatigue for quite awhile, but, once again, like c-ptsd and alexithymia, and even lyme's disease (which i've also tackled in the past few years) aren't strongly supported by mainstream medicine.  i did finally find a professional article that did a meta-analysis of the brain composition for those with alexithymia, which has helped me understand just why this whole emotional thing is so difficult for me.  but, about 6 weeks ago, the family doc started looking into this fungal infection, why i've had it for so long and why it hasn't been eradicated.  i mean, i've had an infection raging through my body for years - it's even a certain kind that is prevalent in the sw u.s. and northern mexico.  i'd never had a problem with this stuff in my life, but by the time i got here i suspected my immune system was already compromised.  early on i got ringworm from a kitty we were going to adopt, but that was taken care of.  this other stuff, tho, once it showed up, it's just made itself right at home in my body. 

so, the docs and i went on a fishing expedition when i got sick again, i suggested adrenal fatigue to him, he said he doubted it -why the * don't they listen?  i've been reading about this for years, more and more info comes out all the time.  i finally printed out all the symptoms i have, he said they're the same for thyroid problems.   off to the lab, again.  first time was for general blood and urine - nothing really wrong.  sugar levels fine.  again, this time for something else.  nothing wrong again.  finally, went again, this time looking at thyroid and adrenals.  now, for most people getting blood drawn is no big deal, but my veins are very small, they have a hard time finding a viable one, and often when they do, it will jump out of the way and leave the needle behind.  that happened on this last test.  he stuck me 3 times, each time digging around trying to get the needle in the vein.  the second time he looked up at me in surprise, told me he'd had the needle in the vein, and the vein just danced away - he'd never seen anything like it.  well, this has happened many times to me, including with taped down iv's, so i wasn't surprised.  in the meantime, i was in pain from getting stuck and jabbed and all the digging around.  by the time he was able to get blood, i could barely walk to the waiting room, was dizzy, had to sit for a bit before i got into the car to drive home.   too much stress.

the results came back that my thyroid was fine, but my adrenal glands were under-producing.  finally, proof of adrenal fatigue!  cortisol levels were ok, but adrenosol levels were low.  so, now, off to an endocrinologiist,, see what he could do to fix me.  the standard treatment is steroids.  an injection of 100mg. of cortisol, then 5 mg. daily for a month, see if that helps me feel better, come back in a month.  within 3 days, i was running to the bathroom 6 times in one afternoon.  so, feeling like crap, so to speak, i knew in a heartbeat that my system was rejecting this mode of treatment.  called him, told him what happened, he said to go on b-complex and tylenol for 2 weeks.  it was supposed to boost my energy level and make me feel better.

man, i hate to be a whiner, but i've been taking b-complex vit. for years,.  his rx was standard - b1, b6, and b12.  i take all those daily, plus about 6 more along w/ vit. c for immune system, and a bunch of other vit. and mineral supplements to help my brain and body work better.  i discovered a long time ago that b vit. do not boost me, but rather relax me.  my oldest daughter has the same reaction to them.    so, i've been taking them to help w/ anxiety and depression for years.  now i feel like i'm on my own with this - again!  my system rejects much of what's supposed to help me get better, while at the same time being susceptible to  virus and bacteria without the means to fight them off anymore.  everything i've read about helping adrenals cure the natural way is to rest, relax, sleep as much as possible, and eat paleo.  so, that's what i'm doing.  as best i can.  and feeling closer to death than ever before. 

that's why this trip to see my daughter in the place of her dreams is so important to me.  the bus ride will be stressful, but she and her roomies are kind and gentle with me, so that's good.  she's going to be near here in feb. for a convention, and i'd planned to see her then - it's a much shorter bus ride (the bus, altho it takes longer seems less stressful to me), but i became afraid that i would possibly be too sick to visit with her then.  so, i have to go now, or i don't know if i'll ever see her again.

this sounds so sordid, i know, but i've never been one to see the future as being bleak like i am now.  my body is literally imploding and there are no more medicines that i can tell (unless i want to ingest adrenal tissue from  sheep or pigs.   that doesn't sound too appetizing to me).  one side makes me smaller, one side makes me taller, but which is which?  i'm doing the best i can to keep my spirit up, but now i'm afraid.  damn, if this is karma, i must've been a really bad girl in another life!

Hi SM,
When you wrote you were off to see your daughter I thought you'd be offline after than, or I would have said goodbye and wished you well.  I'm glad I have the chance to do that after all.

It must be really  hard making this trip while you are so unwell.  I know how frustrating it is to deal with the medical system when you have symptoms that don't fit well with their model, (and I also have thin, collapsing veins).  Having to go along with it is frustrating.  You're not being a whiner.  It's been rough and you are sick and afraid.  I feel for you.  You don't have to be relentlessly positive to make other people feel better, around here.  I'm glad you've lost the 'Cheshire smile'.

I wish there was something I could do to help with your suffering beyond offering my solidarity in your struggles.  I hope you have a wonderful time with your daughter in spite of them.  I bet she is looking forward to seeing you as much as you are her.  I hope you are able to let her take care of you a bit during your stay, especially as you recover from the journey.

:hug:  warmest wishes

thank you all for your wonderful wishes.  that was one of the best christmases of my life.  i'm still recovering so this will be short.  my daughter, bless her heart, lives with 2 brothers, one more wounded than the other, and there would have been little to no christmas for my daughter if i hadn't been there.  thank you god - i had a feeling that i needed to go, and i was right.

the boys are sweethearts, but very damaged.  i helped make a christmas for them like they've never had, and they showed me kindness and gentleness in great measure.  i was able to buy little gifts for everyone, like fun socks and hot chocolate, but i also wrapped everything, put bows on the packages, and filled their little space under their little tree with fun and family like they've never known.  it was my mama bear/earth mother spirits that came out, and both were overjoyed to see these man-boys have a good time.  plus, my daughter and i enjoyed being together a lot.  neither of her roomies had gotten her anything - she would have had nothing under the tree.  i'm so glad i went.

so, as i reflect on my recovery at the end of this year, it feels like it's going backwards.   i'm getting worse instead of better.  i was able to do a good christmas for my daughter, but at one point, about 2 days before i was supposed to leave, a great feeling came over me, very dark, and i told her that i didn't want to come home because it's too depressing here.  i'd never felt like that before.

when i did get here, my hub told me that it was that day that a profound depression enveloped him, one like he hadn't felt in many years.  too many financial problems were made much worse while i was gone, his best friend is dead only 2 weeks, he's not feeling like a man anymore, job prospects are iffy at best, and his gringo bosses didn't give him a christmas bonus.  when i am able and my hub is out of there, i'm going to tell them off.  they have treated their mexican employees like dirt while looking like saints to the american community.  being here and attempting to be as stress-free as possible to give my adrenals a chance to heal is futile. 

so, i'll continue to do what i can to stay alive and functioning as long as possible.  i've never been so scared in my life.   i'm not afraid of dying, per se, but what that would mean for my daughter and my hub.  i don't know what might happen with them, but i do know that it would not be good.  not good in a very profound way.   we depend on each other because of family circumstances - we are each others' rocks.  and i am the rock attached to both of them.   i know i'm not responsible for anyone's life, but there has been too much trauma in all of ours, and we need each other alive.   

Welcome back! :)

thanks, 3 roses.  i wish i could say i'm glad to be back.  i'm going down a steep hill.  i realized this morning that i'm not strong enough to carry them right now.  i feel sick and miserable, the people next door are having a loud party - there's no noise control here on holidays - and i'm up at 3 when i should be asleep and healing.  and the bombing in turkey yesterday, well i almost couldn't bear it, all the hatred and senseless violence.  i can't stand the world i'm living in on too many levels.

there's a protest here against the gov't-owned gasoline conglomerate - no one is supposed to buy gas for the first 3 days of this year.  a demonstration against the political corruption that's running rampant.  i know this isn't the only place it's happening, and it sickens my heart.   

so, on to recovery.  i don't know what kind of recovery this is.  years back, during the madness, every year seemed to get worse instead of better.  i know now it's because i was surrounded by a bunch of liars, traitors, and abusers, including the therapist who was supposed to be helping me feel better about myself, but was chipping away at the essence of me, leaving me confused, doing things i'd never think of doing without her influence, feeling guilty about doing them but doing them anyway because she wanted me to. 

but now, i thought, finally, after getting the correct information, getting rid of the detritus that was bringing me down, being part of this wonderful group of caring people, getting help when i needed it, having a supportive little unit around me who can't help me at all anymore because of their own problems, it feels like it's all backfiring.  i'm feeling worse than ever, i know i'm sicker than ever, i can't help the people i love (even those who i've had to go nc with) and the world has become nearly unbearable to live in.   there's a new pres. in the u.s. who is scaring the bejeezus out of me, and i weep for everyone having to endure all their pain.  that was one place where i've always had empathy, the one place the alexithymia never touched - the sadness of what people have to go through and put up with.

when my dad died in 1971, i began weeping for my loss, but it quickly turned into sobbing for all the boys who were being killed in so many ways in vietnam.  it was their pain i wept for, not my own.  that wouldn't come until i got sober.  the night my hub#2 told me about my dad's death, i barely reacted.  it wasn't until the next night when he was passed out that i allowed my tears to flow, but they were diverted quickly from my own pain to that of those others in that senseless war.   i remember not wanting to wake my hub, so i went into the closet to cry.  even then i couldn't let anyone see me break down.

so, as 2016 has now passed into oblivion, i wonder about what i've learned.  this whole thing, the venture into the world of c-ptsd began for me last jan..  my ex's birthday was the anniversary of when i went nc with my daughter and basically let go of him as the friend i had believed he was for 50 yrs.  it was that birthday that triggered such a massive 8-month ef that i sought out a therapist here, had panic attacks, poured out my story to her, which felt good at the time, but it really only covered my adult life.  it wasn't until later in the year that i found this forum and began looking more closely at my childhood after learning about the alexithymia.  by that time, i'd had to get rid of that therapist because she was useless to me for anything more than listening to my story and asking questions over and over, but there was never any sense of healing going on.  once again, to take care of me, i had to rely on me.

i found help through that mentor about how to possibly re-wire my emotional disconnection, but that got disrupted when i had the breakdown from the pressure point therapy when i regressed to being 14 again, in terrible distress about being/feeling alone, sobbing in front of my parents about it, who both stood there and looked at me.  my father finally said, what - are you mental?  do you need to see a shrink?  my mother never laid a comforting hand on me, didn't say a comforting word to me, and i knew in that moment that i was on my own, that i would have to take care of me because no one else would.  and, in my regression, i reached out to my hub to embrace me, gather me in, but he was concerned about the woman standing there looking at me sobbing, pleading, and he pulled away, telling me he'd be back but he had to pay her, take care of her, and it was the same thing all over again.

i've read here over and over about how people don't trust anyone.  with me, it was the opposite - i trusted everyone.  everyone.  i saw no reason not to, couldn't fathom the idea that someone would hurt me - well, i had no fear, did i!  trust is connected to fear, and i didn't feel any, so i just went down my primrose path, always believing in everyone.  and, since i had no boundaries that i was aware of, except for the extremely obvious, such as assault or rape, i kept taking on abuse without knowing that's what it was, never having feelings about it except confusion, and being in a confused state meant that something was out of whack and needed to be fixed.  and, if i only said the right words, did the correct thing, everything would be taken care of. 

so, this past year has been one of eye-opening proportions, too much knowledge at times, so much pain and hurt, exhausting, terrifying at times (which is new to me and i don't like it at all), educating my hub about what i need from him and how to go about giving it to me.  except for one thing that i miss dearly, which is sex.  haven't had sex in years because he was too afraid after his hip surgery (about 10 yrs. ago) that sex would pop the replacement joint out of place.  at the endocrinologist's office, he brought it up as a way for me to do something enjoyable and relaxing, tension-relieving, and i told him i wanted to but my hub didn't.  when my hub went for his eye surgery, the cardiologist said he thought he heard an abnormality.  my hub told the endo that he'd call the cardio the next day, set up an appt., talk about it.  like all the other docs through all these years to talk about this, get a medical opinion on the safety of having sex, he didn't get called either.  diy just isn't the same.  on my own again while sleeping next to a man i love who's been too scared from the get-go to explore any of this.  i'm frickin' surrounded by cowards and i'm getting sick of it!!!

2015 was the year i finally went nc w/ my daughter who has abused me since she was about 7.  she'll be 40 this year.   i'll come back to that later.  i want someone to take care of me.  my strength and spirit are failing and so it is with the people who truly love me and want the best for me.  they don't have anything to give - maybe they never really have.  maybe i've been living in a pipe dream.  ask the caterpillar.

I feel for you.

i regressed to being 14 again, in terrible distress about being/feeling alone, sobbing in front of my parents about it, who both stood there and looked at me.  my father finally said, what - are you mental?  do you need to see a shrink?  my mother never laid a comforting hand on me, didn't say a comforting word to me, and i knew in that moment that i was on my own, that i would have to take care of me because no one else would.  and, in my regression, i reached out to my hub to embrace me, gather me in, but he was concerned about the woman standing there looking at me sobbing, pleading, and he pulled away, telling me he'd be back but he had to pay her, take care of her, and it was the same thing all over again.

So much this.  I'm so sorry

It's nearly four here on the other side of the world. I'm in a lot of pain.  Physical, psychological,interpersonal, socio/political, environmental,  the whole earth seems to ache.  It helps me to not feel alone with it.  We are in this together.  All the fear, hurt, loss, betrayal, failure to connect, abuse, longing, and anguish.

I know it doesn't take the pain away, but you are not alone with it.

Hugs are hardly adequate but it's all I can do. Cyber hugs at that!  :hug:

radical, i hate that you're going thru all this, too.  it's such a frickin' mess, too horrible for words.  i get it, get all the levels of pain.  i wish i were the only one feeling this way - i don't want anyone else to be suffering so much.  it's not right, it's not fair.   anguish - that's a good word for this.  tears of anguish are running down my face.  my logical side can't make any sense of this anymore. 

my daughter and i are supposed to meet up in san diego next month for 3 days together after her writing conference, and right now the thought of it paralyzes me.  i'm afraid i won't be able to go.  it just feels like too much work to even get there.  i don't know where i am anymore.   falling down the rabbit hole.

3 roses, even those cyber hugs feel good to me cuz i can imagine them as being real.  thank you.  that's the one good thing i can feel, and right now my hub is sick and i'm wearing a medical mask at home against his coughing, which he refuses to cover up and it ticks me off and i can't even get a real hug from him. 

i want to keep writing this out, get this poison out of me.  right now i have to let the tears dry.  dammit!

back to recovery.  2015 was the year that i was brought to my knees by my narc daughter and ex, in jan.  the sept. before, i had met with him to untangle our bank accts. so that we would no longer have a joint acct., and i would have one of my own.  a huge step, fraught with terror, because i was going to the town where he and she both lived, it was her birthday, and i was so very afraid of seeing her.  thank you, god, that she didn't show up.  i had left my banking to him because i was in no shape to think, concentrate, or focus on money matters after i'd run away from home to here.  i paid him to be my accountant, so to speak, write checks for me when i needed to fly to see my daughters, and keep track of my soc. sec. and small pension from the county where he had worked.  he also did wire transfers for me so i'd have money available down here.  both our names are on the house up there, and he was in charge of that as well.  all things monetary were in his care.  i trusted him.

something i'd written in a blog caught him the wrong way, and he decided he wanted to separate completely from me. (when i explained what i had written, he understood that it wasn't at all what he'd thought.  still, as a misogynist, he read into it that a woman had been taking advantage of him, using him for her own greedy wants.  that was the last straw for him). 

2013 was the year that my narc daughter, who i hadn't  labeled as such yet, went through a vit. therapy treatment to cure her of her schizophrenia.  she'd been in and out of therapy since she was 7, had at least a dozen different diagnoses, all the way from adolescent confusion disorder to bpd to paranoid schizophrenia and many more in between.  she was living in her own apt. and found an actual doc who was all about healing/curing - he looked for the root source of the symptoms.  what he'd found about schizophrenia was a lack of niacin (vit. b3) in the brain would cause schizophrenic symptoms, including delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, etc.  it would be a process and i volunteered to fly there and live with her, take care of her while she went through the ordeal.  and, ordeal it was.  i spent 7 weeks watching my daughter go through a brain transformation that included her feet growing a half-size.  it was a nightmare for both of us, but we got through it.

up till this time, the abuse had still been going on, often with her shutting me out of her life for years at a time.  still, when my baby was so sick and needed caring for, i ran to do it.  she was 36.  i was using a cane at the time - meds and undiagnosed lyme's disease had made my legs un-trustable.  we had some great talks - she had been angry with me ever since i had my other daughter when she was 3 1/2, and was convinced that i loved the younger more than her. 

it was during this visit that she told me about her father/my ex being a misogynist.  i'd vaguely known of the concept, but no one would accuse him of hating women.   he looked and did all the right things for the outside world to see, and our own world was filled with the underpinnings of deceit, undermining me with our daughters, etc., all of which simply left me confused, questioning, but still believing that i could somehow fix it by loving him.  she also told me about sexual comments he made about her sister in her presence, and how she'd sometimes get that 'icky' feeling when she was with him.  i listened and began processing.  i was so non-reactive during those years, it looked like i took everything in my stride, and i guess i pretty much did.   

while it's true that she's also deceitful, something about this rang true.  he was a leg man, she had long legs, he'd made a leering noise at her when she was 6 (i yelled at him about that, took it into our couples' session with icky laurie, as i call that therapist, who basically brushed it away, said that wasn't appropriate, and never broached the subject again.)   i didn't know any better about what it really meant.  with this news she was now giving me, i told her that if she ever got that feeling from him again (she'd remarked about feeling it from him at the grocery, and that another, very recent time as they were checking out - he yelled at women while she was in the car, calling them all sorts of names, and when she'd complain, he'd buy her a new computer or something.  it's a dance they still swing to till this day as far as i know) - he said to her 'who's your daddy?'.  she and i both interpreted that as having a sexual connotation, and she'd stormed out of the store.  i told her that if she ever got that feeling from him again to leave that space, wherever they were.

she also told me about driving to visit younger daughter who has always been quite well endowed, and that when he saw younger waiting for them in a tank top, remarked about her 'titties'.  there had been a time a few years back when younger got new business cards with a beautiful head shot of her on it, and when she gave it to him, he told her 'i wish i was 30 yrs. younger'. 

so, these were the incidents i knew of.  elder told me that i could tell younger (i was going to visit her in a few weeks), which i did.  my mind was swirling with the implications of all this, and i believed that she needed to know for her own protection.  she was devastated - it was one of the most difficult things i've ever said to anyone in my life.  she asked a few questions, but loved her father (i can't call him their dad anymore - a 'dad' would never do/say/think such things about his daughters - and wanted to keep a relationship w/ him.  i told her the same thing about leaving the space if she ever felt that 'icky' feeling, and that she should be careful to wear looser, more covered-up clothing when she was going to be around him.

later that year, when i confronted him on the phone about this, he went into a DARVO rage, turned the tables on me in about 2 1/2 min., accused me of telling them not to be in the same room with him alone, but he never denied what he did, which is how i know that elder didn't lie about it, and that my daughters' father was a sexual predator.  my skin crawls now when i think of him hugging either of them, and he disgusts me no end.  i hate him for this, can't and am not even going to try to get over this.  back when i was drinking, he was home at night with them a lot, till elder was 7, and i don't know if anything ever went on.  i don't think it was anything overt, but i wouldn't put it past him to have masturbated into their underwear or something.  this is the first time this has actually come into my consciousness.  as far as i'm concerned, he's a pervert and will always be one in my eyes.  all these realizations.  ugly, ugly, ugly stuff.  more later.

so, 2014, he and i untangled ourselves financially from each other.  one of the things he'd said to me on the phone when i'd confronted him w/ all this was how many of these things did i actually 'witness', and i told him 2.  he yelled that 2 times in 25 years was bull*.  outside the bank, i confronted him on this again, told him that a real dad would not do anything like that EVER!!! to his daughters, let alone excuse 2 times as being ok.  after the financial stuff was finished, we went out to lunch, i told him about how sick i've been all these years while everyone thought i was down in mexico having fun in the sun and surf.  he did one of his own type of apologies (i've realized since that he's never really apologized for anything, never been accountable, never admitted to what he'd done, never said he was sorry for doing it, that it was wrong, and that he wouldn't do it again.  instead, he'd apologize a lot, as he did in this instance, by saying 'i'm sorry you've had it so rough' or, if i brought some feelings up to him for something he'd done, he'd say 'i'm sorry you felt that way'.  slippery as an eel and as real as the mock turtle.

i was completely overwhelmed by the time i left him - we'd always say 'i love you' when we left each other, and as i was getting out of the car, he said it, and i was painfully truthful (it was painful to me to be truthful, actually) and told him i couldn't say that to him at that time.  i did tell him to look up 'narcissistic misogynist' on the internet and he would see himself there.  when i went into my hotel room, i fell on my knees, thanked god for getting me through it, and sobbed until i had no tears left.  i was depleted, only wanted solitude, sleep, and food.  i didn't have the faintest that this would hit me like it did.

looking back on all this, it's amazing to me how much i'd let slide, how little sense of boundaries i had, how protective i was of his ego, and how much work i'd put in trying to keep some sense of sanity into a completely insane situation.  it did show progress, then, when the following jan. i was able to eliminate both daughter and ex from my life.  but, what a rough and rocky trip.  i almost didn't get up that time. 

thinking about the above, and i'm a fairly intelligent being, i'm amazed at how clueless i was about all this.  i think it was my floaty self, not understanding much of anything.  i am silencing my inner critic who now wants to tell me how stupid i was to have had all this going on around me and not having an idea about what any of it meant.  this bit of misogynist and sexual stuff, every new piece of info i heard and subsequently began researching, gutted me or felt like  a brick had been thrown into my face.  the more i was knowing, the worse i was feeling. 

i had run away from home to mexico where i believed i'd be able to heal, but this stuff kept coming out and it made me feel like i was in the midst of a whirlwind.  i'd gone back a few weeks after my elder had been 'cured' of her schizophrenia because she was exhibiting suicidal behaviors due to not knowing how to cope with the new way her brain was functioning.  she was sending emails, one after another, about how much she'd hurt us, her family, how she just wanted to live by herself, give away her cats, not have any contact with any of us again.  i flew back to calm her down, first asking if she'd slam the door on me if i showed up, and she said no.  so i went, spent another 3 weeks with her, helping her re-orient herself to a new way of thinking and viewing the world.  run in and fix it, san - that's what you do.

by the end of that visit, we had a plan to get her life back on track, including finishing her master's degree (yeah, thru all this, she was able to get some kind of college education).  i gave her money to make sure she'd have school paid for in case her benefits didn't come in, and to start a crystal healing business.  she also spoke of how she didn't want to see her father anymore, so i arranged to pay her some money every month (i was already giving some to younger, who struggled w/ anxiety and panic attacks so she could work part time) to make sure her bills would be paid.  we left on good terms, everything was set up for her to get on with a fairly decent life, and i went home.  this was in aug.

by dec., she told me she wanted nothing from me, no money, no contact.  she wanted to move to a warm place for the winter because her knee was bothering her too much, and she'd apparently contacted her father to fly her out to warmer climes for the winter.  he ended up leasing a car for her and drove it and her cats out to her.  father was back in, probably because she knew i didn't have the credit cards necessary for these kinds of transactions.  everything she'd said and thought about him went out the window, including her mom.

i was devastated, but i was also coming to a point of being done with her.  such a slap in the face!  i turned my attention to younger who was struggling, but who had never once let go of me, had always been kind to me even tho she was mad at first that i'd left, and decided that, since i'd have been giving that money to elder anyway, i'd just give it to younger.  she was starting up a publishing business so that she could get her books out to the public, and i threw my resources to that end.  she was also paying off school loans (several of which have now been taken care of) and i wanted to help with that as well. 

so, in jan. of 2015, i got an email from elder - hadn't heard from her in all that time - saying that money was tight (she'd moved back into the house with her father, he'd over-stretched all his credit cards and had taken out 2 more mortgages on the house in order to pay for trips, etc., for her - our house payments are now triple what they were when i left, and that mortgage should have been paid off by now) even tho her father had taken on a part-time job (he's retired) and that he'd never ask me for money, so she was.  she never said hi, how are you, what's going on with you, just this lame excuse to get money out of me.  it was the straw that broke this particular camel's back.  i said no, that she wasn't going to shut me out of her life then come back in just to get money from me, and that when she wanted to have a caring, respectful, adult mother-daughter relationship with me to give me a holler.  the 3 emails that came back from her were some of the worst words/thoughts/wishes i'd ever seen from one person to another, let alone from a daughter to a mother.

i called my ex - he ignored my first call, (coward) but later told me he'd been expecting to hear from me.  he ignored me on purpose because he didn't want to hear what i had to say.  it was just more of the same, not stopping her from doing such a thing to me ('i told her you didn't have any money'), knowing she was going to do it even under the circumstances of our relationship, not giving me a head-up as to what to expect - ugh!  it's so sordid.  after the phone call, i also wrote to him, told him that even if i did have money i wouldn't lend it to him, that he'd gotten himself into a financial mess on his own because of his decisions about elder, and that once again, he'd complained about something in his life and allowed a strong woman (when we were married it was always me) to come to his rescue.  i basically left it at that, except to wish him a happy birthday!  it was the day before his birthday and as upset as i was, i was still going to be kind enough to wish him a happy day.

i'd begun exploring misogyny, discovered there are 2 types - physical and intellectual.  hub #1 was physical - he cheated on me with real women.  hub #2, intellectual.  he was too scared to go after a real woman, so he cheated on me nearly every night of our marriage until it came out what was going on with video women, two-dimensional women.  he had a wife who loved him, wasn't a dog, was willing to share a sexual anything with him, but he preferred to get off with women on the screen of our tv.  i'd also found out about narcissistic abuse at the same time, and was exploring this, getting info emails from a woman in australia who was making a name for herself in the field.  the info was fascinating, and was when i realized who and what i had been dealing with. 

when this email and phone call happened, it took 3 days for the impact to make itself known.  that morning i woke up doubled up with back spasms, couldn't stand up straight, was in terrible pain, and knew why.  they had double-teamed me once again, but this time i really couldn't play it off, ignore it, or fix it.  for 3 days i contemplated giving up at last - they had beat me, i couldn't take it anymore, i just wanted to curl up into a vegetable and stay like that till i died.  that was the lowest point in a life of low points, and i didn't have the faintest idea how i would be able to survive such treatment any more.

the power of my spirit says a lot to the fact that i'm still here, still alive, still mildly functioning.  i have the best guardian angel ever.  but that day, she was nowhere in sight.  i told no one how i was feeling, it was too deep to comprehend.  tweedledum and tweedledee were on the verge of destroying me, and i knew it.  i'd always held out hope for them because they always said they loved me and i always believed that love would trump everything and would win the day.  i trusted them to eventually come through for me, and it would all have been worth it.  how ignorant was i. 

and so my recovery was progressing.  ha ha ha.

 :hug: How I wish I could make people be genuine for you. Of course, the sentence refutes itself - it wouldn't be genuine if I was 'making' them be that way. Ugh.

I'm just thankful and so very, very glad that you survived the trip and have made it back home. Challenging though THAT is, at least it IS home. For now.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

thanks, wife2.  it is home, and i've been sick after getting my flu shot, but feeling a bit better today.  time for just me, watching tennis, reading, and hopefully doing some healing.  getting to know all this stuff has been just so re-traumatizing for me.  like i've said before, i didn't have the horrors of others - the physical/sexual abuse, the terrible put-downs, nasty words flung at me (except by elder, and mostly at the end).  but the insidiousness of this covert stuff all under the umbrella of polite, considerate, seemingly caring words has pulled the rug out from under me time and time again.   reading now 'the body keeps the score' helps me understand how damaged my brain and body are and why, at the same time it makes me want to weep for what i've gone through to get to this place. 

i told the kids at christmas that at one time i had a counselor who asked me to envision myself on the last day of my life, and i never hesitated before the age 92 came out.  now, i'll be surprised if i reach my 70th birthday.  i just don't know how much more of this my brain and body can take before one or the other just gives out.  all these years i never felt fear, but i'm frightened now every time i turn around.  what new horror awaits me?   i dread leaving the house now, hate having to interact with anyone - i used to be the life of every party, did volunteer work, raised a family, worked on my relationship w/ my hubs, worked outside the home, was always smiling because i genuinely loved life and people and interactions and situations and experiences and adventures.  my smiles were real, came from my heart, twinkled in my eyes.  that's why my smile will be the last to go.  i have always found so much to smile about, but it's getting less and less nearly by the day.  the cheshire cat is and has always been my favorite fantasy character.  his smile was always the last to disappear as well.

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:  :bighug:  :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I've been reading your journal over the last weeks, but didn't think I had anything to really offer.   All I can say is you are an incredibly strong woman, sanmagic! 

It's taken some time to claim ownership of your boundaries sometimes, but you have made so many good decisions.  I think it's a major thing we likely all have, not really even understanding we are allowed to have boundaries of one kind or another, but you sure make a lot of healthy life choices. 

It makes me sad seeing how hard it's all been for you! 

Meursault

Quote... i'm frightened now every time i turn around.  what new horror awaits me?   i dread leaving the house now, hate having to interact with anyone - i used to be the life of every party, did volunteer work, raised a family, worked on my relationship w/ my hubs, worked outside the home, was always smiling because i genuinely loved life and people and interactions and situations and experiences and adventures.

Wow, I really relate to all this! I used to be so happy, outgoing - what was happening to me?

I kept feeling like I was fading, fading - falling further and further into the sinkhole that had opened beneath my feet. I was tired of running, so tired; my dreams revealed how much running my waking hours were occupied with.

I literally thought I was losing my mind. And my body felt like it was falling into pieces.

But, I had found this place, and I hung tightly to the idea that, if this all had been done to me, it could be undone by me. I focused on not running, and instead focusing as I'd never done before on my past and its effects. Slowly I started coming out of that sinkhole; I know I'm still in it, but not as deeply as I was.

My mind refuses to accept that you are going to

Quotego up in smoke.

You're a beautiful soul and this site - indeed, this world - needs more of you. You are valued and cared for more than I can express in this moment. I sincerely hope that you find, as I did, that there is still a way up and out of our present health concerns.

you are all some of the most wondrous people i've never met.

i haven't stopped fighting (which is a paradox, because the last thing i need is the stress of fighting), but each time i get sick a little nother piece of my spirit gets chipped away.  it is also stressful to be sick, so my adrenals are taking hits each time it happens.  such a vicious cycle.  it sucks.  enough for now.  thank you all.  you're beautiful. 

today i feel like the red queen - off with their heads!!!  i've been in this caucus race too long, nearly drowning in my own tears, one step forward, 89 steps back.  to finish off this past 3 yrs., since 2013 when i was nursing my daughter back to health and then going back to stabilize her emotional crisis, and getting cut off from her life once again because i had no more money to give her and refused to rise to her bait about what a bad person she was and confronting her on some of her abhorrent behaviors, i also discovered i had lyme's disease and underwent 3 mos. of aggressive antibiotic treatment.  that helped some of my problems, especially with my legs being wobbly, and i no longer needed a cane, or a wheelchair when i was at the airport. 

just before that, on my 65th birthday, the psychotropic meds i'd been given wreaked havoc with my legs, and i ended up falling while on a morning walk, breaking my wrist and some structure in my back.  this was after repeated trips to the town by my husband to tell that shrink that these new meds were screwing with my legs, to which she replied, they couldn't be, she hasn't been on them that long, while the family doc was telling me to  cut back on them and she was contradicting him and i ended up in the e.r. up there not being able to trust my legs and getting these confusing messages from the medical community.  i decided then and there that i was taking this mental health thing into my own hands, did a lot of heavy duty therapeutic work on my own (the psychologist i saw here in town for a new bout of depression bailed on me one day after about 5 sessions - never heard squat from him) to get rid of the underlying emotions that were causing the depression (i don't recommend this for anyone) and weaned myself off my anti-depressants just in time to have that financial untangling meeting with my ex.  so, my brain, what's left of it, was functioning without help for that meeting.  no wonder i was a mess.

when  i was brought to my knees in jan., 2015, i contemplated vegetabe-ism for 3 days, but something grabbed me and i decided to give it one more shot with this australian woman's program about recovering from narc abuse.  (i still didn't know about c-ptsd and me).  there was a lot of free info with the program and a 30-day money back guarantee.  it mentioned something about her doing energy work, qi gong, i think, and i looked it up, saw that it was akin to tai chi.  i've had neg. experiences with tai chi in the past - it's energy flow doesn't mesh with my own, which is very strong (i stop watches), and i asked about that but got no answer.  so, i bought the program, gave it a go, listened to her podcast where she actually did an energy release technique, and it was so disturbing to me that i felt like i was hollowed out in my belly.  that feeling remained till the next day, which is when i decided this wasn't for me either.  when i chose to cancel the program (it was only a week), i did get my money back, but it wasn't very much help except for a lot of info on narc supply and abuse.  nothing about c-ptsd.

it was a start, tho, and i worked on myself throughout that year until the anniversary came in jan. of last year, when i went full-blown into that ef that lasted till aug., found my way here, got that therapist, educated and trained my husband about what was going on with me, gave him a chance to bail (but he wouldn't) and have been battling, again, since then.  i'm wondering if i'll ever get a chance to rest!  all this fighting can't be good for me, yet at the same time i'm supposed to rest, relax, sleep, eat well, and de-stress my life.  i'm doing as best as i can, but i seem to be going farther into the forest than ever before.  these past 4 yrs. would have been enough to give me c-ptsd without all the rest of the madness that came before.  ok, i'm exhausted.  just looking at the reality.  i don't know how i've survived.  no one else does, either.

so, to sum up the 4 latest yrs. of my precious life, i broke bones because of meds, worked my way out of depression, got off my meds, took up vitamin therapy, made the mistake of believing my elder and giving her a bunch of money which she blew on things other than it was intended for, was told to leave her alone and was for all intents and purposes shut out from her life, again, learned about misogny and my 2 hubs. who hate women, what that means, what it meant for me and my daughters, learned that my hub #2 lusts after my daughters and refuses to admit it's a problem, had to break the news to the younger, which crushed her (she still won't talk about it) and that i can't protect them from it, eliminated 4 people from my life who seem to have a different idea of what love means than i do, learned about c-ptsd, had a major breakdown, had a major 8-mo. ef, went back into therapy, had to fire the therapist for incompetence, learned i have alexithymia and what that all means,  got a therapeutic mentor who began helping me re-wire my brain emotionally, was feeling good enough to start walking and lifting weights again, was feeling pretty good, began going after all the stored trauma in my body, went too far and had an absolute regression that left me nearly immobile for 2 weeks, and from which i haven't fully recovered, got the feeling of fear back that i had been missing most of my life, and which i don't like, tackled lyme's disease. had a dreadful experience with an energy worker trying to rid myself/heal myself from narc abuse memories,  learned that my adrenals aren't functioning properly and all the ramifications that go with that, traveled to oregon and had one of the best christmases ever, am still recovering from that (all that shopping and human interaction put a lot of stress on me - by 5 days into the visit, i knew i was already pushing myself to do more than i should, but it was worth it - and am still too sick to go to the store for groceries once a week.  i feel a little better today in the essence of my being.  it's been a long, heavy, heartbreaking, intense 4 yrs., full of battling - people, institutions, the medical establishment, my hub, struggling to get to me, a healthier me.  i still feel 27 in spirit, so don't understand the concept of 'getting old' except that i have so much baggage to wade thru. 

i do have an appt. with an internalist, and this may be a blessing that has been dropped into my lap.  i'd wanted to get to him thru our ins. plan, had seen him once or twice for the lyme's (he knew very little about it, so i had to find articles written in spanish that explained it.  i'll have to do the same for alexithymia, brain damage, the effects of chronic stress/trauma/c-ptsd, etc. to see if i can get some root work done on what's wrong with me.  in the meantime, i'm working on changing neuro-peptide connections from pos. to neg. with good self-talk/self-thoughts, am sticking pretty well to my adrenal diet, and am ready to go for the gold.  if this guy doesn't help me, i don't know what i'll do, but i really won't think too hard on that now.    we'll see. 

so, just like the mouse's tale, this one is long and curvy.  it switches back on itself constantly.  i did a funeral today for all the emotions i haven't felt, want to feel, and don't know if i ever will.  i have gotten fear back, but would love to experience happy.  one thing i realized while i was writing was that the reason i loved bars so much was because of the laughter and that i could throw my arm around others to get my sense of touch fulfilled.  it was the closest i'd come to happy, besides being made to feel beautiful by a man.  it's also why i love watching stupid sitcoms with someone now, and laughing out loud at them in that someone's presence.  it's my new pseudo-bar experience.  i miss the bars tho.  i had such a good time there.  such a very good time.  but, they're deadly for me now, so i don't go back.

 

i almost forgot.  after i got on my feet again in 2015, i wrote a sci-fi novel that i'm hoping will be picked up this year.  it's been a fairly busy 4 yrs.

moving on - i picked up a couple more realizations this morning that helped clear things out a bit.  one was that my dad was my primary abuser in that abstract manner of emotional neglect.  no harsh words, no physical abuse, nothing so overt.  simply never acknowledging any joy about me being his darling little girl, or pride in my accomplishments, and, of course, having to be perfectly perfect, which left me non-emotional for the most part.  it also kept me looking for men as an adult who would validate (ooooh, there's that validation beast again - another realization?  the validation junkie always doing doing doing in order to get her fix of validation.  hmpf!  me as a beautiful/desirable woman, trading sex just for the touch that had been withheld from him.

i'd read a long time ago that when abused children are threatened from outside their family, most often they will run for safety to the parent who abuses them inside their family.  it was explained that these children chose the abuser in an attempt to show him/her how much the kid cared for that parent so that the parent would eventually stop abusing them.  paradoxical, to be sure, but to a child's mind and logic, it makes sense at the same time.

with this in mind, i realized that this must have been why i revered my dad so much, always, ALWAYS, trying to please him, and becoming devastated when i somehow didn't meet up to his standards.  my mom was in a shadowy place in my world, like she really didn't count very much.  in fact, i've always described her as a mouse, had little use for her emotionally, and always wanted to be like my dad, who was fun, charismatic, and . . .  a male.  i wanted to be like a male, (didn't want to be a man, i was always content and satisfied with being female) had no sense of myself as female, was never girly, and even questioned my femininity at one point in my life.  not my sense of being a woman, but if i was truly feminine.  i've had people tell me that i have a lot of testosterone floating around inside me. 

which leads to the second realization of the day (ok, this part of recovery feels good.  finally!)  as i mentioned before, i married 2 misogynists.  (i believe i ran into one on this forum as well).  they all had unresolved mother issues, and women were to be used, no apologies were offered for wrongdoings, and, well, wrongdoings weren't acknowledged as being wrong in the first place.  when i read up on misogynists, another thing that stood out was that if he would ever choose a woman to commit to/settle down with, she would have to be, in his eyes, the cream of the crop.  someone who other men would give him kudos for landing, so to speak.  this part was obvious with hub#2 - he and i both believed i was perfect.

but, going along with that, i believe i have been involved with female misogynists as well, all 3 of whom played major roles in my life.  one was my first therapist.  she was an outspoken advocate for men, and after some of her speeches, i heard women saying that she hated women.  i heard this on several occasions over the years.  she said it was ridiculous because she had women employees - me and our receptionist.  when i look at cate and i, both were cut from the same cloth in the femininity territory, as in neither one of us was the girly type.  i remember having a conversation w/ a friend who was part of this group of hers (i'll call her icky l) and this topic came up.  she told me 'well, you have a lot of testosterone, so that's why she likes you'.

thinking further along these lines, i've said on several occasions that if i were a man, i believe she would've attempted to have a sexual relationship with me.  don't know why, but i've had a strong sense of that for a long time.   in therapy, she once basically told me that the reason for my hub's continual masturbation was because i wasn't pleasing him, and that i should go out and get frilly lingerie cuz that's what he liked.  i told her i already had a drawer full, but i sensed (even tho i couldn't quite put a finger on it completely) that she was telling me that his addiction was my fault, that i was to blame, that if i'd do more of what he wanted, there wouldn't be a problem.   and she called herself an addiction counselor - yeah, right!

she also wanted to write a book about men's dependence on women, which she thought was awful.  i can see it much more clearly now.  she adored her dad, talked about him quite a bit, but had unresolved issues with her mother, who she blamed for her father's death.  o my heart! 

i had another close girlfriend who also worshipped her dad, and would blatantly talk to men in a different tone of voice than when she'd talk to me - it was much more seductive - and would always pay attention to men when they were around, ignoring me.  we played cards in a monthly game (one of the players was my brother, and he can vouch for this cuz she was always coming on to him) and she would make the rounds of the table when she had a free moment, giving neck/shoulder massages to the men.   she and i went on a 9-day road trip once, and, altho we were best of friends at the beginning, it ended the friendship after we got home.

finally, this friend of 20 years who i recently eliminated from my life.  same thing.  terrible, unresolved mother issues, threw me under the bus many times during our friendship in order to accommodate a man.  my hub saw it happen while she lived here.  she often told me that she hated women (but she went to a woman's college) because, while she had plenty of women friends, she didn't have a long-term romantic relationship with a man.  being without a man was a major complaint of hers the entire time i've known her, altho while i knew her she'd had several live-in relationships with men both in the states and while she lived here.

i know, i know, as i was writing i thought - but san, you also worshipped your dad.  i think the big difference is that i didn't have those blatant issues with my mom, and, therefore, didn't hate women.  i never put a man before a friendship with a woman, which these women did constantly.  if i went out with girlfriends, i left with them, that kind of thing.   i've had great relationships with women all my life, including spending many years living with female roomies, both in college and out on my own.  many of us are still friends. 

so, misogynists in my life.  there seem to have been quite a few, both male and female.   new realizations coming at me like a pack of cards.  hoping to be able to put these to rest now, and knowing a little better what to look out for in the future.  i'm not sure exactly where this came from, with these women.  i'd always attributed it to putting the needs of strong women who acted vulnerable (oooh, like my mom.  yes, there was an incident where i didn't tell her i was uncomfortable with what she was doing because, altho i didn't see it as an overt sexually abusive act, it didn't feel good to me, but it seemed important to her to do it, like she would do it to a baby.  a friend of mine labeled it sexual abuse because i didn't feel safe enough to speak up about it.  i didn't want to hurt my mom's feelings, make her feel bad, so i kept letting her do it, kept quiet about the fact that i didn't like it.  well, maybe there's an issue there that i hadn't let come to the fore until now) in front of mine, so i accepted being thrown under the bus for men, or ignored if a man was in the room.   

so, i can see an issue with my mom but i really don't believe i hate women.  this issue doesn't feel like it has the same kind of impact.  maybe i'm fooling myself.  it wouldn't be the first time.  the strong yet vulnerable woman seems to fit better for me, as to why i stayed in relationships with these women for waaaay too long.  yeah, that sits better in my chest. 

anyway, misogynists come in all shapes, sizes, and genders, but the results are the same.  women are held to a different standard than are men, usually a subservient type of standard both sexually and friendship-wise.  in with the good, out with the bad.  none of them are in my life anymore, and i'm glad.  which tells me something - it must've been the right thing to do to get away from them. 

now that i've written down the story of the madness, i don't have to repeat it.  i believe it's time to put it behind me.  i'll have a funeral for it today when i'm done here.

someone posted about the differences of being abused as a child and as an adult, and i'm grateful for what she said.  i know people could look at my story and wonder why i didn't just leave, why stay?  i believe that's where my childhood issues come into play.  they basically set me up to stay, work on it, do everything i could, say everything i could think of to fix it, to make it right.  in essence, i believed i had to be the one to make the insanity sane, which means i couldn't leave until i'd given it everything i had or die trying. 

having an abusive daughter also spoke to the mother in me - her mental and physical illnesses throughout the years were a reason to accept the abuse (in my mind) and excuse it, to just hang in there and take it because i didn't believe she had any fault in it.  i know better now that there is no excuse for abuse.

husbands, well, i was so naive and trusting that it was beyond my comprehension that they would hurt me after saying they loved me.  i didn't have those trust issues i read about so often here.  i trusted everyone not to hurt me.  my mind would tell me 'why would they?' and i'd go on, mindlessly allowing my non-boundaries to be crossed over and over.  until i was pushed out or over the edge. 

as far as that therapist goes, naive, vulnerable, and a sense of grandiosity that she would pick me to be all those things to her.  so i did her bidding, no matter what, no matter when it didn't feel right to me.  she was the therapist, she knows, i was the lowly apprentice of a sort.  it wasn't until i was in grad school that i began questioning what was going on, what part i had in this.  i was an adult, there was no gun being held to my head, how much of this was my responsibility?  i posed this question to my professional ethics professor, who didn't hesitate with an answer - it is never the client's fault.  no matter what happens, it is not the client's fault.  the therapist wields the power - which is why i repeatedly talk about an imbalance of power in therapeutic relationships.  so, even if a client willingly has a sexual relationship with his/her therapist, it is not on the client.  the therapist took advantage of the power of the relationship.

all these things are now part of my past.  they happened, they're done.  i'm still dealing with the consequences, both in mind and body, but i feel much more hopeful today that i will get past this.   i'll never be the same - i don't trust people now.  i'm a bit sad about that.  hopefully, it's for my own good.  i didn't even trust the people on this forum to accept and/or understand my story after i wrote it.  the anxiety i felt all night was terrible.  i was scared to look to see if there were any responses, and the first one i saw was very caring.  thank you.

i believe that we are often adults with emotional responses of the children we once were, trying to make adult decisions without really knowing how to do that.  i think my recovery has turned a corner.  i don't want to look back anymore.

i had a funeral for my past today, laying it to rest.  it has defined me for so long, but i feel like i've moved past it now, have come out the other side.  i'm so thankful i've lived long enough to feel this way - i didn't think this was ever going to happen,  i really didn't.  i thought i'd be stuck in the throes of that mad tea party forever.  instead, i now have other things to do, like heal myself, finish the book i'm writing, enjoy myself and my life, enjoy the people i have decided to keep in my life. 

there's a little hole in my chest at this - that past has been so much a part of me for so long.  to put it down like the rabid dog it was is a loss, for sure.  but a necessary loss.  all these people i've been obsessing about, how much i want to tell them off or make them understand - i've finally realized that they've all had so much time, so many explanations, so many pleas letting them know what i wanted or needed from them, years and years of this that one more isn't going to make any difference.

the fixer in me never wants to give up.  i can see her as rather sick right now.  that's a sickness that i've held onto that's also part of my past.   i can't fix any of what happened, can't fix any of the people involved except me.  so, that's my focus from now on.  time and energy for me and for those who are in my life now because they have shown me caring and love and kindness.  i have to be careful not to try to fix them, either, because some of them are hurting and damaged.  the fixer must die and lay with all the rest of the unhealthy people who have been part of my life.  good-bye. 

i'll miss you for awhile, but i'll learn to live without you eventually.  i know you'll be peeking your head up from time to time, like the dormouse, but i'll just encourage you to go back to sleep, gently or harshly, whatever it takes.  and i know i'm not alone in doing this, so i feel fortified as well.  hope is a wondrous thing.  couldn't feel it before, didn't know what it was like.  i think i'll keep it.

the past coupla months i've been having such happy dreams where people from my past, dead and alive (even the women from 'friends') have visited me in my dreams.  it's been strange, but really wonderful.   i have such good times with them, so glad they came to visit and we had at least one more good time together.  even my nc daughter and sister showed up and i had fun with them.  it's always been in another time and place, when i was young and strong and healthy and could just enjoy being alive.

it happened again this morning, where a wonderful old mexican man we knew visited me and we had fun on the beach and then decided to go to a play together that night.  he died just a little bit ago, so it was wonderful to see him alive and healthy, even if only in a dream.  while i was dreaming, it seemed very real, and i didn't question him being there, just felt happy to be with him, enjoying him again.

i'm wondering what this could all mean.  i'm wondering if perhaps my brain is re-wiring in order to feel this happiness.  it's such a wonderful feeling in my dreams.  and, it's not as if i'm thinking of anyone of these people before i go to sleep or that they've been on my mind.  they just visit, and i feel so happy to see them and be with them again.  it's really quite a lovely phenomenon.  this has probably happened at least a dozen times. 

Oh, what a wonderful thing! May I suggest writing them down when you remember them? They may be your mind's fantasy, but what a wonderful fantasy and worth reliving while awake! These may be what can help you relax and begin the process of physical healing. Oh, I hope so very much.  :hug:

thanks, sweetie.  good idea.  last night i hung out with the gang on 'how i met your mother' and we had a wonderful time.  very fun!

That's great.  I agree with Wife #2.  You ought to write them down so you can keep them in memory better to revisit during the hard times you're having!  Dreams have so much power.  Hope yours continue to be full of joy and healing and carry over into waking more and more.

Meursault

thanks, dear meursault.  they really do bring good feelings in, even in remembering them.  funny how the mind works.  i hope everything's going well with you.

wow, since writing my story down, i'm feeling so different, so much better in the essence of me.  leaving that stuff on the screen did more than i could ever hope for.  this week i've even been able to leave that 'fixer' part of me behind, who i've always dragged along in my relationship with my younger daughter.  i'll be with her for a few days next month, and instead of trying to 'help' her with her issues, i want to just have some mom/daughter fun and an all-over pleasant time.

she's got a lot of issues from growing up in the midst of the madness, has also been traumatized, still gets panic attacks, and is as unemotional as possible, just wound so tight.  i know she's doing the best she can, and i help her out financially, but my heart weeps for her.   i've always been trying to 'help' her with what's going on in her life, bringing that therapist/fixer to the party nearly every time.  now i see it's time to stop that.

the other thing that's changed re: our relationship is that i no longer feel the need to have her 'see' me and understand what i've gone through.  it always seemed important to me because i knew virtually nothing about how my parents felt about anything, what they'd been through in their lives, and i didn't want my kids to not know me the same way.  at christmas she said something about what i've gone through, as in not experiencing very much kindness (i had spoken to her and her roomies about how kind they'd been to me and, of course, was crying my way through saying it), and that may have sealed the deal for me.  she knows.

unfortunately, i've pushed this issue so much, and i believe it's time to stop that as well.  it suddenly came to me the other day that i don't need her to see me, that i just need to be her mom and let her be my daughter  (it took awhile for what she said to sink in and make some sense - alexithymia, i'd guess).  if she's got questions, she'll ask if she's interested.  if she's not interested, i don't want that to matter anymore.

so, things are rumbling and rolling in my mind since the toxic dumping.  i didn't expect this, but i'm glad it's happening.  happy dreams are still going on, and that's so fun.  i'm so glad i did that!!

I can sense a lightness to your posts since the dump. I have truly enjoyed watching and reading. It feels to me that if I could see your face, there would be smiles visible - sometimes on purpose (looking at a beautiful sunset), sometimes just slipping into place until you realized - 'Hey, I'm smiling!' This is my hope for you if it isn't already happening.

Together, we will celebrate your victories, big, little, short or long lived - victories are WORTH celebrating, you ARE WORTH honoring and celebrating! My most sincere hope is that you can feel the love from your daughters, especially your baby girl. It's there. It's real and you DO DESERVE to feel the love they have for you.

thanks, wife2.  it does feel like a celebration of sorts.  and i truly do feel lighter.  what a burden to have been carrying around all these years. 

i'm focusing on my health now, and at this time i'm feeling better than i have in quite awhile.  dang, being sick brings me down so badly.  but, when i thought of getting well, that was scary, too.  weird.  now that i am feeling better, the fear is diminishing.  i really don't want to stay in that sick place. 

the flower arrangement i chose for laying to rest my past, including my 'fixer' part, is unusual because it's an image of an unfinished arrangement.  there are white roses and  calla lilies along part of the top and down one side of a heart, with the flowers trailing beyond the point of the heart, one rose a bit longer than the rest.  that's my 'fixer' flower, staying a little 'longer'.  but the rest of the heart is a green base, unfinished, and i don't know how i found it, but it symbolizes to me that my life isn't over yet.  i still have things to do that are unfinished.  the symbolism didn't strike me in its totality until i put it on my desktop and had been looking at it for several days.  i'm still saying good-bye, but it's really hitting home.  so glad i found it.  it really speaks to me.

so, i'm living more comfortably in my skin these past few days (it seems longer!), and i'm glad it's showing.  it really does feel good.  i'm also taking a supplement every day with antioxidants, electrolytes, and extra vit. and minerals all geared to helping bolster the immune system, and i'd swear it's helping!  it seems weird to admit that cuz i take a bunch of vit./min. every day already, but somehow there seems to be something in this supplement (emergen-c) that's helping.  i don't know, but i hope they don't stop making it.  it seems to be making a difference, one that i like.

so, onward!

woke up to a dream last night, and a big realization about my original dream to come here and live o those many years ago.  it was about a man who lives here, we were involved for a few years before circumstances broke us apart.  but, the realization was that this man had made me feel loved (i've been talking about this in so many posts about how i couldn't feel it) and he visited me in my dream, and i felt soothed and comforted in his presence, woke up to know that that feeling of being loved was what sustained me for more than 30 yrs. of the madness.  huh.  i've felt my hub's love once, but, altho i know about it in my head, i've never been able to sustain the feeling.  this is so strange to me, felt like i just had to write it down.

i don't know what the difference is, why i was able to feel it from this man, even when not in his presence, for all those years.  it was the feeling that it was enough that we were both alive, sleeping under the same moon, looking up at the same sun, and the knowing that he felt the same way, even tho we didn't regularly correspond or anything.  it was a different kind of knowing, a heart knowing rather than anything logical.  my hub keeps his heart and emotions very covered and protected, even tho he says all the right words.  one time i felt his heart speaking, and that's when i felt the love.  but the feeling didn't last.  his heart wasn't in it after that.  covered up again. 

wow!  this was a biggie.  and, speaking of dreams, i've been having so many of these wonderful dreams lately, but in the past 2 days i've had 2 glimpses of disturbance - one was a shadowy man who appeared, didn't know him but i knew he was dangerous, and the other was getting an email from the long-time friend i've just dumped that was extremely hateful and hurtful.  it hasn't happened, and i hope it doesn't.   i've just gotten so used to having these lovely, fun, happy dreams, these 2 not-so-much dreams kind of took me by surprise.

my neck and shoulders began hurting pretty badly yesterday, and i thought of the whole idea of getting rid of the burden i'd been carrying around.  am wondering if maybe they're not re-adjusting to their newfound lightness of being.  i've been working on them today, it felt good to do that.  i think they'll be ok after awhile.

other than that, i'm enjoying feeling better.  yay!  forward!

just feel like whining this morning.  i'm so sick of not being able to sleep right at night.  i wake up too early nearly every morning and drag until i can go back to sleep after my hub leaves for work.  by then, i'm overtired and feeling miserable, but most days i can take that nap, it lasts for 3-4 hrs. at times, and i can feel really pretty good the rest of the day until night comes.  i try to stay on a fairly regular sleep schedule, but i'm scared/anxious to go to bed, worrying that i won't be able to fall asleep and those racing thoughts will return and it'll take so long to finally fall asleep.  it's vicious.

i purposely don't watch the news or any other intense shows at night, just silly sitcoms, so i don't have anything disturbing from outside me.  but i wake up often between 3 and 4 every morning.  i do have meds to help me sleep (restless leg syndrome) and they work pretty well, but i can't seem to stay asleep.

i did read where adrenal fatigue can play a part in waking people up several hours earlier than normal.  i only sleep 4-5 hrs./night, get the rest of my 8 hrs. during the day, but i simply relish those nights when i can sleep through till the alarm goes off.  i don't know.  i just hate it, and it's been going on for so long. 

i'm going to see an internalist in a couple of months, we'll see if he can do anything about this.  this time i'm bringing in everything i have about c-ptsd, my labwork that shows part of how my adrenals aren't functioning correctly, all my physical symptoms, info on alexithymia and how the brain is changed because of it, info on how trauma changes the brain - one doc i saw recently told me i needed an mri and ct scan to find out what's going on up there.  i don't know if that would be available to me with this national ins., and i don't have enough money to pay out of pocket.  we'll see.

ugh!  i just hate feeling like this every day and night.  it's rotten!

I thought something has been going on - you've been responding to THIS East-coaster awfully early many days. I'm so sorry you struggle with this. Lack of sleep is part of a vicious cycle. I wish I had an answer for you. Try to catch those body-healing z's today.  :zzz:

 :hug:

thanks, my friends.  you're wonderful.

i'll see what this next specialist has to say about it, too.  maybe there are some answers there.  just a few months . . . it would be nice.  but if it is due to adrenal fatigue, it may be a long time coming yet.  we'll see.

haven't written for awhile, but today i became so confused.  i did a questionnaire yesterday, and today i'm doubting whether i was totally truthful, and i'm feeling embarrassed.  i answered the questions as truthfully as i thought, but other realizations began creeping in after it was done and sent on its way. 

i'm now questioning  whether my c-ptsd actually started in adulthood.  alexithymia is mentioned in van der kolk's book as a product of trauma.  that kicked in big time before any of the adult trauma happened, probably by the time i was 20.  the adult trauma didn't begin till i got married the first time, when i was 24.

i know i was also anxious and depressed by the time i was 16.   i think i was so sensitive to being all that my dad wanted me to be that i lost myself, lived for his approval, wanted nothing more than for him to give me a compliment - i did really well in school - a hug, a word of praise.  nothing was forthcoming except the fear? realization? belief? that i wasn't good enough as me, that i had to be perfect.  and when i got straight a's on my report card, a sign of perfection, it still didn't elicit what i was craving from him. 

o, this is running in circles around my brain.  i wasn't the type to tell him how i was feeling - well, no, by that time i wasn't feeling much of anything except cognitively working on how to solve this problem, what do i need to do, what should i try - but now i think that underneath all that was disappointment (first time i've been able to consciously admit that) at not getting the praise i'd worked so hard for, and even farther from my conscious reach was the belief that no matter what i did i wouldn't be good enough. 

yep, that one hit a chord - the tears are flowing now.  all my grandiosity in later years, my belief that i was perfect, that i could come up with the perfect answers to any problem was overriding this core belief.  o my heart, how painful this is.  i can't believe more of this crapola keeps coming up out of nowhere!  will it never end!!!  no, it was more than a belief - i'd sealed myself up so tightly that i knew i could come up with the perfect answers.  i knew i was perfect, including being perfectly flawed.  i had no inner critic to tell me otherwise.  it was buried too deep.

wow!  just got off the phone with my darling daughter, and all this stuff came out of me and we had one of the best chats ever.  a lot of healing here.  funny how that happens.  it's the magic.  i let myself become completely vulnerable with her, asked her to tell me that i wouldn't lose her, and she did, and she did again when i asked again.  even if i'm not perfect.   what a relief.

with that, i think i'll stop.  i just want to wallow in this good feeling. 

 :bighug: Celebrating this victory over the past with you!!! Because you ARE a wonderful person, even if flawed. Maybe, because of the flaws! Regardless of why or how or whatever - you are a wonderful person!  :hug:

and you, wife2, are so darling and sweet.  thanks, and a  :bighug: back to you. 

I've just read your latest post sanmagic and I'm so happy for you and your healing day/moment. Well done to you, I know it's painful and sad but these healing moments keep us all going!

thanks, twink!  very sweet of you to say so.  here's to more of them for everyone!

realizations have been storming the citadel lately.  i figured out why i cry when i see an act of kindness toward someone, or experience someone being kind to me - i haven't had much in the way of kindness in my life, and i cry because i'm so sad about it, grieving in dribs and drabs, but without any real direction to it, without any definite point.  now that i've figured it out, i can have a funeral for it and grieve it properly.

when talking to my daughter the other day, i realized how badly i've wanted acknowledgment from my daughters for what i've accomplished, for working so hard at being the best mom i could under horrible circumstances, that i was someone they could look up to and aspire to be like.   not to be clones or anything, but the 'never-give-up' attitude that i've carried in front of me.  it's why i cry every time an award winner pays tribute to their parents for their help and support, a public recognition.   both my daughters have dissed me in that arena, and it really hurt.  now that i've recognized it, it's time for another funeral as well.

and i have to have a funeral for all the feelings i've missed due to the alexithymia, all the wonderful, positive, warm and fuzzies that i've never felt.  i cry so hard when i watch a show where the players show on their faces, sparkle in their eyes their joy at having a baby, at raising a child, of finding someone who loves them.  i've known all these, but could never feel happy about it.  never knew why, either.

the fourth one was that neither of my ex husbands was ever excited about me being pregnant, never wanted to be part of the process, left me to do it on my own, never gave me a word of encouragement or praise - in fact, quite the opposite.   i carried those babies for them, and neither lifted a finger to help me.  it's why i cry every time i see that excitement on the tube or in real life.  again, i've been grieving without direction, but the tears and the sadness have been all too real.

so, during this week, it will be time for funerals and grieving.  all this crying interferes with relationships, with my attempt to talk about such things, with being able to experience this as an observer, but i never could understand what was happening, why it was happening.  now i know.  all this sadness inside of me, and, now that i think of it, probably a lot of anger underneath that.  it's gonna be an emotional roller coaster - i can feel it coming.  o boy!  an adventure!  hah!

i will put myself through this because i believe i'll feel better afterwards.  man, that would be nice.   i don't look forward to it, tho.  it's gonna be tough, and i'm gonna be rough around the edges.  but, if i want to continue to recover, it's necessary.  god, give me the strength.

I greatly admire your courage and fortitude, San.
I also admire the way you are able to take action (and know what action is right for you personally) to resolve the pain from the past.  I have a habit of losing confidence and feeling defeated when I reflect, and would like to find some positive actions of my own.
Have thinking cap on.

All power to you!

thank you for such kind words, radical.  i have no doubt you'll find what's right for you to begin laying this crapola to rest.

in fact, i just finished writing the first funeral i did, but before i began, a wave of anger came over me, vile words towards my parents.  i just let them come.  horrible stuff that is poisonous, that needs to get out of me.  while i was wailing away, both verbally and physically, i thought about people here who are scared to let out their anger in all its awful majesty, and i thought, these words are coming out of me now, these feelings are real, the words matched what i was feeling, i have to say them, let them out, but they're only for now.  they're not necessarily forever.

in fact, while i was writing for the funeral, i ranted and raved, again calling my folks all kind of horrible things, spewing vitriol onto the page, but, even tho i don't know if this one funeral will take care of everything that came up (all of what i've written in my other post actually led back to my childhood, especially one incident i remember with my folks), that it might be too much to fit in one coffin at the same time, i let myself go with it, and at the end i wrote 'love you'.  it took me by surprise, but it's what came out.  and i felt myself meaning it.

so, now to rest with this for a bit.  another surprise was that there were very few if any tears.  i went right under them to the anger.  it was almost startling to me when i realized it.  the flowers are on my desktop.  we'll see what happens. 

low energy today, sad.  one day i think i'm on top of this, the next day i'm under it again.  i did notice last night while watching tv that i didn't have as many tears flowing.  maybe the funeral helped more than i thought.

will be taking it easy today.  gotta recharge.  had a strange dream last night, one that i wasn't a part of, which is really unusual for me.  almost every dream i remember, i was in it somehow, so dreaming of something outside of me was strange when i woke up and realized it.  it was both sexual and violent; again, not the norm for me at all.  it was like i was watching a movie.  my brain is working at some level that i'm unaware of.  will keep track. 

I pray for you, my friend, a day of peace after such a strong storm. Excising anger is as exhausting as it is healing. Today, if it's possible, rest. Breathe. Be.  :bighug:

Peace and healing flowing your way :hug:

thank you both, wife2 and 3 roses.  so much caring here.  i'm smiling because of it.  it's so appreciated. 

Ah, dreams are powerful things. I've had horrible dreams lately so I know the feeling they leave you with. Body sensations, moods, tears, its horrible... on the plus side (if you can call it that), it does prove that things are being worked through in your head.  As my Therapist would say, "be kind to yourself" and try and write the feelings out to help you understand them.

Thinking of you.  :hug:

thanks, twink.  i'm taking your advice and writing right now.  my grandiosity is crumbling and i'm fearful, full of self-doubt, feel like i'm a fraud, insecure in my own mind about how much of me, of what i know is relevant, but most of all just plain scared.  i'm scared that i'm gonna get a pm from someone telling me to stop responding to their posts.  i've never had these sensations, beliefs, feelings about myself, and i can now truly relate to others who have said the same things about themselves.  o my heart!  how have you people lived like this so long?  how have you done it?

i feel like i've cracked open and this mess is spreading from where i was once contained.  i want to cry - i'm losing the only self i've known for most of my life, and i don't know how to put this little humpty dumpty back together!    my chest is tight with fear, my eyes are teary, i want to hide under the covers from this.  if i had a closet, i'd go sit in there and pretend i'm in the rabbit hole, going to a place of . . .

but, that's exactly what's happening.  down the rabbit hole to the unknown.  alice did it with spunk and curiosity - she's been my idol since i was very young.   i don't know how i would have made it if i'd felt like this all my life.  surprising, the survival skills we can garner, embrace, and utilize to continue a life that isn't working well at all.  i'm going to drown in the pool of tears!

i don't know what to do with this.  radical, you said something about me knowing what i need to do to put the past to rest.  well, yes, for some things, but i don't know what to do with this!  this is foreign, alien, this fear and self-doubt is a presence which i've not consciously been aware of, couldn't admit to, plugged along while keeping it at bay by sheer will.  that wall of will just shattered.

i suppose this is a positive breakthrough, if i look at it logically, but it feels anything but pos.  it feels horrible.  i don't understand how anyone has lived with this for most of their lives, how they've continued functioning, making something of themselves, going to work, raising families, having relationships, putting themselves out there again and again while feeling like this.  i don't understand how they've done it! 

and, now the u.s. leader is doing, saying all these horrible things, manufacturing hate left and right, fueling fear - well, that fire is raging inside me right now.  i can barely stand it, am so scared of what is going on right now, of what might happen.  it isn't helping me to feel as stress-free as possible, which is what i need right now to continue healing my system.  denying climate change, threatening to pull out of the paris agreement - i feel like i'm living in some surreal joke, that this can't be happening, not really.  yet it is, and it scares me to death.  i'm not feeling very good right now.

ok, wife2, i'm breathing.   that may all that i'll be able to pull off today, except i have to go grocery shopping, and get a new phone.  mine finally broke.   i want to sit with coffee and a cigarette and pretend.  just pretend.  but i'm past that point, and i hate that i don't have that option anymore.  i don't know what to do with me!

First - turn off that TV. It's not going to help and the reality is we will survive even this man for president. We've survived other crazies and idiots, we'll survive this guy, too. Don't let that be your focus. It's ok to be uninformed for a while. Especially when you're trying to heal and STRESS is a problem. So, click! Read a good book instead for a few days.

I haven't watched the news, to know what's going on, nearly all month! My hubby has to tell me the important stuff. Depending on how hard my day has been, he'll not tell me ANYTHING, figuring rightly that a day or two won't blow up the world, so it'll hold.

Take your time and walk slowly or drive the scenic route to the store for the groceries and/or phone. Give your mind time to wander around. AND, of course, breathe. I keep saying that because staying aware of your own breathing can help keep you focused on just being alive - just living - the most important part of being human, after all! The rest is (hopefully) to make that experience better and/or more enjoyable or richer and fuller. That's the goal.

I'll type more in a minute. I want to get this posted quickly. How do we make it each day, feeling the fear, sadness, emptiness and anger? We stop, remind ourselves of what hasn't been awful, what has in fact been wonderful in our lives and we breathe until the worst of the emotions pass. And sometimes, we complain, whine and fuss until we're sick of the sound of our own voices. THEN we breathe. One more time.

thanks so much, wife2.  yes, breathe.  i had stopped watching the news ages ago, but have been watching political comedy shows which, while they make me laugh, i guess they have been making me afraid as well.  i have been politically active, an activist many times in my life.  i want to join the fight, and have by signing a letter of protest recently and forwarding it to people i know.  it's hard to give it up, but i guess, for my own health's sake, it's the right thing to do for right now.

that's a tough pill to swallow, but i appreciate your thoughts about this.  you're right, of course, it's what's best for me.  dang, i hate this crapola!!! 

in the meantime, i now have an inner critic to contend with, which is a new experience.  holy negativity, batman!  one foot in front of the other, i guess.  newfound respect for everyone here in a more fundamental way.   this crapola really sucks!

I've just read this - I am feeling your fear and sadness :-( I'm sad for you. I'm about to drive so will reply properly later but I wanted to say one quick thing that often helps me -

Try and remember the thing you are scared of - the fear of breakdown etc - it's already happened.

You are now recovering. We fear the things that have already happened to us - you're feeling things from before that you suppressed or denied so you will survive because you already have!! Xx

http://psychoanalyticmuse.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/winnicott-interaction-of-past-and.html?m=1

Xx

all i can say right now is thank you everyone, and i think pinocchio had a much easier time becoming a real human boy than i am becoming a human being.  just making it through today.

twink, i read your link and it made sense on one level.   one of my big fears is of not being able to sleep through the night.  some of that is from the past, where i believed i had to be responsible to keep a 'mother's ear' open after my babies were born because i was responsible for their well-being.  my husbands had checked out in different way.

so i've slept lightly, ever vigilant for bumps in the night ever since.  usually, as long as there were no untoward noises, especially after i moved out from my family and had my own apartment, (and had the help of sleep meds because i'd developed restless legs syndrome somewhere along the way and hadn't slept right for 20 yrs. before that), i could get most of the sleep i'd need.  the problem became that even with 8 hrs. of uninterrupted sleep, i was still exhausted, and began falling asleep in my office every afternoon.  sleep has been a problem for me for a very long time - 40 yrs. or so.

so, i went looking for the fears around sleeping, and i don't have kids now to be concerned with, but am stuck with hypervigilance nonetheless.  also, it's common for people with adrenal fatigue to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep.  along with that, my husband sometimes wakes me up (like tonite - he is on crutches, crippled from polio, and at times if he wakes up and has to use the bathroom, there is quite a bit of rolling around in bed, clanging of crutches, etc)) and i can't get back to sleep.  i've been sleeping in chunks for so long that my body is kind of used to it.  later today, i'll go back to bed and sleep for another 3 or 4 hrs.

so, yes, some of my fears are from the past, and those i can work on.  but some are very much in the present, out of my control, and happen fairly frequently.  to help adrenals heal i'm supposed to be getting 8-10 hrs. of sleep at night.  on a good night, i'll get 5-6, and try to make up the rest of it during the day. 

yesterday, i decided to work on getting to the bluebird of happiness, get some happy emotions/feelings into my being.  i seem to now have sadness, anger, and fear going quite well.  i was once told that the 6 main feelings were mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed, hurt.  yesterday, instead of something more positive, i got mightily in touch with hurt.  they hurt me so much - i want to whisper it because it seems so incredible to me how snidely these people worked on me.  i spent nearly a half hour sobbing about it, and felt better afterwards, so it was a good, focused cry, but i think the pain that my body carries is all the hurt that was perpetrated upon me all those years, and i had to absorb it and carry on because there was so much that needed to be done.

so, it sits in my muscles constantly.  some of it is overt, like my back and neck, but some of it is covert, where there is no pain until i run a finger down a muscles in my leg and arm.  the pain is there, just below the surface.  i don't feel it until i touch it.  it makes massage more of an ordeal to get through rather than something relaxing.  i tense up against the pain that i will feel as soon as someone puts their hands on me.

i don't know quite how i will tackle this pain thing.  i'm also holding so much tension inside, and i continually work at relaxing (kind of an oxymoron).  now the fears about sleep.  consciously, i tell myself to look forward to having a good night's sleep, i look forward to doing just that.  then something like this happens in the middle of the night, and it sets me all a frizz.  i don't know how to change it.  i even took my full med dose last night cuz i wanted to just sleep (i usually only take half of what's been prescribed - it usually works fine) but as i've been more in turmoil, i've taken the full dose more often. 

i don't know.  i do what i can as best i can.  this sleep thing is so counter-productive to what is best for me and short of kicking my husband out, or setting up a futon in the kitchen, i don't see it changing.  he's gone back to sleep about 20 min. ago.  i just can't do that.  lack of sleep is also not good for keeping thoughts and feelings coherent, on track, and sensible.   

i do want to become a full human.  i want, above all, to feel happy.  i can look happy, sound happy, laugh with the best of them, but i just can't feel it yet (no one would ever guess).  how they've hurt me by taking that away from me. 

yesterday, another piece of trauma was released.  i did some tapping, focusing on a memory of my dad telling me when i was 5 or 6 that, because i was the oldest, i was responsible for setting a good example for others.  to my little girl's mind, that meant i was responsible for everyone and everything, staying alert to what might be needed by anyone, what i could teach them or show them, like it was now my duty or job in this world.  in fact, many times i've told people that i had no question as to why i was here - it was to make others feel better.

the image of the memory went from my dad being very big and me being very small to a complete change.  i turned into a rolling robot, turned away from him and moved out into the world, i guess.  that's when the release came, as well as the tears.  it was quite cathartic.  i just lay there, kept going over it in my mind until i began repeating words to the effect that that is not my responsibility, etc. 

i slept pretty good last night.  i want to work more on this today.  it felt good, like i chipped a chunk of cement out of the wall i had up.   this is like putting humpty dumpty back together after he fell.  piece by piece, it shall get done.

i decided to give myself a break from the work today, give my inner being some time to heal.  as i was doing some breathing, a pink, healing light appeared from above and focused on my midsection, the area of many of my problems. 

i've heard many people talk about a healing white light, bring it in, imagine it entering your body, all that stuff, but was never able to do that.  today, it was real, and i didn't even need to conjure it up.  it just appeared and i stayed with it as long as i could, about 20 min.  i didn't actually feel anything different, but i know it was a good thing, positive, and i ended up hugging it to me. 

i know i need to be patient, but i want to fix it all NOW!  i will be patient, take a shower, have something to eat, and just feel good.  it was like yesterday was a violent yanking out of a piece of malevolent tumor, although a healing yank.  today was so gentle yet still healing, just of a different kind.  maybe . . .

things seem to be smoother these past few days.  i've slept a bit better, had some energy to do a little physical movement, and am noticing more how my food intake affects my physical feelings.  it seems that my body is getting quite picky about what i put into it.  slowly, i'm respecting and honoring that, and my body is responding positively. 

i've noticed that i'm not crying as much at what i see on tv, kindnesses and loving gestures and feelings.   it's getting easier to just smile with pleasure instead of immediately bursting into tears.  maybe some of the sadness is finally leaving me.  that would be nice. 

i've also started writing on my novel again - haven't done that since my breakup with my friend.  well, it's a science-fictionalized version of our first road trip together which turned us into friends, revived her womanliness, and cracked her hatred of men.  she discovered mexico and fell in love, both with the people and this town where i now live, where she lived for 8 yrs.  it was an actual life-changing trip, and i wanted to memorialize it for her.   so, altho this break-up was painful, i'm glad to be back to writing about it.  it really was a great trip.

i'm doing my mindful breathing first thing in the morning, along with a bit of yoga.  my body is still so sore with stored tension that yoga is much more painful than relaxing or centering.   i think i'm going to begin tapping about this tension, one part of me at a time.  maybe start with a forearm.  small steps.

otherwise, i'm looking forward to seeing my darling daughter for 3 days in san diego in about 2 weeks.  i just want to have some mom-daughter fun and silliness for a change.  i've been so full of being in the middle of this evolution that i've been pretty emotional with her, and i'd like to be able to put some of that to the side for this visit.  geez, that would be swell!

Awwww San, you sound like such a wonderful lady!! Your daughter is extremely lucky.

I loved reading your post. It made me smile. You sound like you're really in a good place right now, you so deserve to be!! Looking after your body and mind is a fantastic sign of that and I know that sleeping is an issue you've been struggling with lately so even better!!

I totally get what you mean, therapy stuff and these feelings can feel all consuming at times can't they? Being able to come away from it from time to time is sensible and healthy.

Go you! I'm your own personal cheerleader right now!!! X

twink, you're adorable!

so stressed out today, didn't even want to come here as it's gotten worse as the day has gone on.  i think i overdid some stretching and writing the past few days when i was feeling better, and i just feel sicky now, which is how stress hits me.  wanted to write it down for some reason.  maybe hoping to put some of it here where it'll stop hurting me so much.  ugh, i hate this crapola!

i'm glad i wrote.  one thing that's also gotten under my skin today is that it rained all day, the kind of rain we used to have where i come from in the midwest, but here in the desert it's nearly unheard of!  it's just knocked me off my rocker!  all i wanted to do was sleep thru it, but kept getting interrupted, so now i just feel lousy.  terrible tightness in my diaphragm region.  don't know what that's about.  did some breathing, but it didn't help.  it might have reminded me of climate change, what's happening with our planet on some subconscious level, and i feel completely out of control.

ok, that's the feeling.  this rain is an example of how out of my control all that's going on around the earth is, how restless the people are, all the anger out there, the hate, the demonstrations, the frustrations - that feels about right.  i can't fix this, i'm feeling hopeless right now, have no faith that it's all going to turn out ok.  my diaphragm is the muscle used to control my breathing.  maybe that's why it's so tight. 

i'd love to go to disneyland with my daughter next week, just to get away from the madness for a few hours.  i don't know that we'll make it - we might both be too exhausted.  i love disneyland - it truly is the happiest place on earth.  and the cleanest!  dang, i've never seen a public area as clean as that place.  unless it's changed - it's been quite awhile since i've been there.  still, just to be in that world of fantasy and fun would be so lovely.  i'm hatin' it here right now. 

and someone's car alarm has been going off for about 4 hrs. now.  for a small town, this is one of the noisiest places i've ever been.  the difference between visiting here and living here.    people yell at each other all the time, kids scream, music is 3 million decibels that can be heard from one end of town to the other no matter what time, big bass boomers driving by.  off road vehicles zooming up and down the streets - half the streets aren't paved, so they're all fair game, i guess, with little kids who don't know about being on the road driving them.  ugh!    ooooh, i let the gritch out, but some of the tightness eased up.  i guess this was a good idea after all.

and i can't and don't trust anyone here, and that may be the first time i've allowed that up and out.  the thought that i couldn't stay here on my own without my hub running interference for me ticks me off and saddens me.  i hate the thought that i couldn't take care of myself here - i'd never know when i'd be taken advantage of.  i completely depend on him to remain here.  i hate that.  god, give me strength.

got some decent sleep last night, and that always helps.  feeling more in control today.  that rain yesterday really rocked my world, sent everything spinning out of control.  whew!  i feel more relaxed as well.  my anxiety kicked in pretty badly.   so, i feel back on track, glad i posted here, it seemed to allow some of the yuck out.  so glad this place is here.

Hey sanmagic7,

I have just caught up with your last couple of posts, how are you doing today?

I am glad you finally got some decent sleep and that writing here helped to rid you of some of the yuck!! Sometimes I literally feel as though I HAVE to write otherwise my head is cloudy and full up all day.

Have you spoken to your hub about feeling as though you have to rely on him? I wonder whether there is anything you could change for yourself to stop you feeling like that?

hey, twink, yeah, he knows that if anything happened to him, i wouldn't stay here.  i know i can't make it by myself here.  i've already told my daughter this, that i would move back to the states, find some assisted living or put me in a home or something near her.   

so, he knows.  i'm too sick to negotiate very much spanish when i'm not feeling good and having to speak to the docs here.  i'm ok with the reg. docs every month to get my meds, but seeing the specialists can throw me for a loop, and my hub always comes with me in case i need help translating.  my brain will just shut down after awhile and i can't concentrate on what they're saying and make the translation in my head.  it exhausts me, and i can barely make it out of the office.

yesterday was one of those days where my system sent me running to the john a few times, stressed me out, i couldn't sleep during the day, and by evening my legs weren't working anymore.  when i go see the internalist, i'm bringing this phenomenon up to him, try to get some answers.  after i slept last night (with some chemical help), i felt better today, my legs are working better.  i also was able to sleep today, and that felt good. 

making sure i'm able to sleep for at least 2-3 hrs. during the day always helps.  i've read that sleep is what gives the adrenals a chance to recharge, and i'm sposed to be getting 8-10 hrs. of sleep every day.  well, i only sleep about 5-6 hrs. at night, so i have to make up for it with a nap.  it's weird.  i'm hoping for some answers in a couple of months.  or at least some of the right tests that will begin answering things for me.

otherwise, this is my life.  i keep contact with the outside world to a minimum, by choice - too much energy expended to interact with people.  so, i'm feeling better today.  i was going back and forth about going to disneyland when i see my daughter next week, but i shelved that idea.  it was stressing me out too much just thinking about the pros and cons.  that's part of why my legs stopped working - i call it the slows.  i want to walk regular, i believe i will, i get up from the chair and begin as if everything is fine, but my legs won't move the way they normally do.  this has been happening for over 20 yrs., but more and more often. 

so, yes, doing better today.  legs nearly back to normal.  keeping stress to a minimum as always.  that's part of why i can't respond to very many posts most of the time - too stressful to read about the tragedy and pain.  so, i do what i can, as much as i can, and i leave the rest.  it's what i've learned over time to take care of me.  pisses me off, tho.  thanks for asking, twink.  you're a sweetie.

legs are good today, so i'm glad of that.  it just seems like it keeps getting harder and harder to take when it happens.  makes me wonder if my brain and body are getting worse.  i hope i get some answers.  i don't like living like this, not ever being able to count on myself from day to day, making plans with the caveat that i may break them depending on what's going on with me.  talk about being out of control!

will be packing today, leaving tomorrow, so i'll probably be gone about a week.  this will be one of the shorter trips i've taken so it'll be kinda interesting to see how it affects me.  different food, no space to myself, routine out the window.  i guess i'll find out.  until next time, good, healing vibes to everyone!

had a wonderful time in s.d. with my daughter, we talked for 3 days straight, laughed, just had a good time together.

before i left, i watched 'pete's dragon'.   (spoiler alert!)  when he was captured, sedated, tied down so he couldn't be himself, couldn't get away, i broke into sobs.  i'd flashed back on 'that's what they did to me all my life!  wanted me to be controlled by them instead of allowing me to be the magical, wondrous, free creature i am.'  the tears wouldn't stop . . .

until, suddenly, they did.  suddenly, my mind shifted and my thoughts changed to 'but they haven't kept me down, haven't killed me, my spirit is intact'.  i acknowledged that, like elliot, i had help along the way, soft and strong help that wouldn't give me up, wouldn't let them take me, and i felt happy.  i still feel it.  it's a quiet kind of happy, not like the excitement that i'd always passed off as happiness, not uproarious, but calm and solid.  it's infused throughout my being, and i already know that it's not going anywhere.

no matter what other emotions i've yet to discover and feel, this feeling of happiness will underlie them all.  a miracle happened from watching a children's movie.  i am humbled.  that may be the first time i've ever felt that as well.  i'm thinking of writing about alexithymia - not sure what form that might take, but it's kind of exciting to just think about it. 

how this is happening, i'm not quite sure.  how to help someone who suffers from this disorder, what steps to take, what route therapy might take, how to stay open to the miracles that might come along, nudging someone, re-wiring brains, all the support needed and accepted.  my last entry in my home journal showed a pic of a bluebird, for the bluebird of happiness (this was feb. 7), and i'd written that happiness was the emotion i was going after next.  today i wrote that i'd achieved that.

o, miracles and magic!  i'd read that people who don't believe in either are the people who don't look for them.   i'm so grateful that i'm surrounded by them.  everyone here has been part of this, part of the miracle and the magic.  we are all magical beings, aren't we.  if we only believe . . .

 :hug: :hug: :hug:  :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:  REJOICE, REJOICE, REJOICE - FOR I BRING GLAD TIDINGS OF JOY

Ok, I totally stole that from Christianity - but it's the best words I know to describe the feeling of reading your words.

You're right, they tied you down for years. They checked their knots to be sure they were holding, but they didn't see the ants. And the ants were chewing as diligently as the enemy was tying. They were just smaller, so took more time at their task. Still, each strand, once broken was unable to be used again.

As each strand broke and then whole ropes came off, the momentum was unstoppable. Genuine YOU has emerged. Yes, there's work left to be done. Yes, relearning self and contact with self and others is scary. But, it's also exciting! Even exhilarating! But, one thing can't be stopped at all. HOPE. HOPE that, one day soon, all the ropes will be discarded. One day soon, you'll be free to walk around within your reality and recognize it all. Claim what you always needed but couldn't quite reach, discard that which served it's purpose but is no longer valid. Get to know yourself and like yourself. Maybe even love yourself!

As corny as it is - it is the greatest love of all.  From that you can open your heart to welcome in the love from others and spend it freely back with them - without the fear that the last deposit won't cover the 'bills'. To learn that love is the only emotion that multiplies inside you every time you allow it in.

Loving is a skill, but you've had that skill all along. You didn't know you'd been wearing blinders all these years, you didn't choose them or put them on. But, you CAN take them off. It'll maybe hurt and be scary, seeing yourself and others for who they truly are. Scary, but not impossible!

So, friend, now that you've loosed some of the most important ropes, how's the view from cloud 9? HUGS to you!!!!

thanks, wife2.  big smile on my face right now!

i did some 'splainin' to my hub the other night about this metaphor, and how every time he tells me i 'can't' do something, or shushes me, it feels like he's putting a rope around me or shooting a sedative dart at me.  he told me he's only trying to protect me cuz if i get in trouble, it will bounce back to him as well, and he's trying to prevent anything neg. 

all i know is that i've made it thru nearly 70 yrs. of doing things the way i do them,  have made mistakes, have worked my way out of them, have learned from them and that has been me being me.  yes, if i were in real danger, that's one thing.  but if it's something i do that someone else might not like, or frown upon,  it's a simple disagreement, that's on me and me alone.  my true self is a bit wild and very free-spirited, large and loud.  if others don't like that, they don't have to.  i have no problem with that.  i just have a problem with people trying to stop me from being me.

not that i don't have some propriety.  i do have those basics down.  but most of the world is a place for fun, laughter, kindness, smiling, hugs, passion, spirit, and love.  most of my world, that is.  and, my experience has been that most people are affected positively by such a presence as i bring. 

when i visited my daughter at christmas, we walked into a store.  i'd just bought some fun/funky sunglasses, and a woman stopped me and told me that she liked them.  then she looked me up and down (i was dressed pretty funky that day) and told me she loved all of it.  i spontaneously gave her a big hug and said, 'and i love you'.  after her initial startled reaction, she began smiling.  what better thing to send into the world than love and smiles?

i do love this version of me, am so glad i lived long enough to see it again.  i've come home at last.  and being able to feel that soft happiness at the base of it all is the cherry on my cake.  the opportunities are out there - we need to be open to them no matter what form they may take.  a kids' movie!  trust the magic is my motto.  it has been for a long time, but i've been so bogged down in this that i'd forgotten it for a spell.  it's back, and i'm riding it for all it's worth!

you and everyone else here have been instrumental in me finding myself again.  i know it won't be perfect, there are still emotions that need to come back and the lag time for feeling them needs to shorten.  i'll still screw up and have to apologize.  i'm still fighting my physical stuff.  but i feel freer in my soul than i have in a long time.  it really is humbling rather than celebratory for me right now, but i appreciate your celebration for me, wife2.  thanks so much!

I'm so glad to see you've chosen to be you. The authentic you.  HHUUURRRRAAAAYYYYY!!!

YAH!

2 people in my life are going on adventures this next week that neither thought would ever happen.  a gf who has come through cancer this past year is going to be able to go to her favorite tennis tournament, see her favorite players.  she had to cancel last year cuz of the surgery, i don't think she thought she'd ever make it back.  but she is.

my hub is going down the baja peninsula to see the whales with a dear friend from many years ago, who is also so excited that he can go, that they can share the experience.  i am feeling genuinely happy for them both!  i can feel the happy and it feels wonderful!  not just giving lip service, but the actual feeling.  wow!  so this is how it feels.  i'm liking it! 

my little soft inner happiness for me is still there as well.  is my brain re-wiring?  i can only think yes, or how else could this be.  joy in the morning!  you all have played a big part in this phenomenon.  one thing i read in van der kolk's book is that a healing, gentle, supportive ambience is conducive to our brains coming back from where they'd been bullied to, and i consider this forum to be one of the most gentle and supportive places i'm involved in.  my daughter's household is in the same category.  i wish i could spend more time there. 

try as my hub might, he's still got too much street in him, and gets too defensive at times, and i'm back in the battle.  that always feels like it sets me back somewhat.   it's better than it was, but he just hasn't had very much experience with being gentle and compassionate.  he does things for me, runs errands, that sort of thing without a whimper, and i appreciate it completely.   it's just when it gets to personal issues that he's immediately got his shields up expecting that i'm going on the attack when all i'm doing is asking a question.  o well.  such is life - imperfect as all get out! 

he'll be gone for at least 3 days, and it will be lovely to have that time on my own.  he might be gone for a week, and that would be even better.  everything for me is different when he's gone, especially sleeping.  i'll just enjoy my time by myself, and feel happy that he's doing something not everyone gets to do.  i'm so glad for him, and for my friend.  it is a good day.

wowowow...whales!? That's going to be one * of an adventure. I hope that week to yourself is every bit as good as today was. You deserve it San

thanks, so much, downsideup.  there are pictures on the internet showing how the whales come right up to the boats, people can touch them.  it truly is trippy!  at first he wasn't going to go - part of thinking he shouldn't get excited about anything.  i pushed on him, now he's like a little kid at christmas.  he leaves early tomorrow.  it'll be so cool for all of them!

it is so sweet of you to say that, downside, with all the crapola you've got going on, you can still find it in you to be supportive for someone else.  it really shows what kind of heart you have.  i'm smiling right now.

i had a dream the other night of being with a man with whom i had dated in college.  it was a beautiful, fun dream, we were so much in love and very happy.  when i woke up i was smiling.

then, reality set in.  this is the man who found me thru my daughter and we reconnected for a few months.  back in college there were 2 incidents with him that sent up red flags for me, that maybe he wasn't this beautiful knight in shining armor i thought he was. 

during our reconnection, the chemistry between us ran fast and furious in just a couple of days.  we were only communicating by email and phone calls, but some things began to stand out. (i was really glad of this reconnection because i'd broken his heart all those years ago, and had been wanting to apologize.  his finding me gave me that opportunity, and i felt clean about it afterwards).

there started up a problem with his wife, who, at first, said it was ok for him to contact me, but after all the emails (like 3x/day, first thing in the morning, last thing before bed) she began being jealous.  i'd also told my hub about this, and he was fine with it.  anyway, my old love showed on several occasions that he was very critical and judgmental of me, my beliefs, and my former lifestyle, almost lecturing me, and he also began sneaking around behind his wife's back (they shared a phone, so he even went to a store and bought a burner phone just to talk to me away from home). 

eventually, i'd had enough, went nc with him.  gave him 3 reasons why, but he didn't understand.  i know he misses me and is probably confused, can't understand how going behind his wife's back was helping not to cause problems in his marriage, that sort of thing. 

so, this dream the other night, and i wanted to re-connect with him, try to explain what happened.  my logical side told me that it was out of his comprehension zone, but my emotional side wanted to try to soothe him by making him understand what had happened.  it was a terrific battle of wills going on inside me, and ultimately stressed me out completely.  it's stressing me out writing about it again, but i'm more firm now on not re-connecting.

the stress from this was terrible, and stress, especially to this degree, where i begin to feel sick, is especially dangerous for me and my adrenals.  it takes too much out of them, and they don't have enough in them to be pushed and pulled like that. 

i have many dreams of people 'visiting' me, and they're usually very happy times going on, as was this one.  my hub told me he'd read that when we dream of people, it's because they're thinking of us, or missing us.  i'm sure that with this guy it was both, and it pulled my heartstrings so badly i had to fight myself to remain nc.

dang, who'd think a happy, loving dream would bring on so much distress?  it was 3 days of awful.

Oh, San... HUGS. I can understand. You reconnect, finally apologize (though it sounds like you had reasons for leaving before, too). Then, history repeats. And through his inappropriate behavior, you're forced to 'leave him' again. It is a very sad, distressing situation. And the dream didn't help except to refocus you back on that whole stew of emotions.

This one would do well to try to purge quickly. You did as my father suggested. You did all you could do. How he chose to react (burn phone to hide? :: shakes head no:: ) is HIS choice. It's time to wash your hands of the guilt and to walk away, chin high. This time, you don't need to apologize. This time, you reacted as a responsible adult to an irresponsible adult. It's OK to say, 'Enough.'

Eugh San, I can totally understand this. So sorry you have been feeling so torn.

Fighting with your conscience is not easy. You have your logical thoughts and then you have your emotional ones. It is so hard to do "the right thing" when your emotional side of you wants to feel less guilty.

I know this isn't comparable really, but I dreamt the other week of an old friend of mine - I went NC with her in August because she was very toxic towards me but I sometimes dream of her and have to really fight not to get back in touch with her and reconnect. I am pretty sure she would love for us to see each other again (although I could be wrong). I have to stay NC with her for my own sake.

I think what we have both got in common is that we are carrying guilt. Guilt that doesn't belong to us. You tried to do the right thing before and look how that ended. I think you need to walk away now, as hard as that would be!!!

Sending hugs x

thanks so much for the validation, wife2.  i'd been able to put it aside yesterday, but what you've said has cemented the idea for me, and i appreciate that a lot.  i hope he doesn't come back and i end up going thru this all over again.  somehow, tho, i don't think it will be quite as emotional next time.  that's a relief just to think about it.

yesterday i felt so good, got 8 hrs. of sleep that night, which is so rare, so i did some cleaning, writing, other chores, a little movement, yoga and meditation, and am now feeling burned out.  it's so hard to balance this.  i rarely feel good enough to do those daily things so when i do, i end up overdoing.  i'm tired today, but this is my default feeling.  i'm used to this.

still, it would be nice to find some balance.  i guess i let things go for so long cuz i just don't have the energy or motivation to keep on top of them, and with my hub gone right now (he's patting whales down south) i do have more energy for regular household things.

one thing i did realize is that when he's home, i'm on his schedule, and that takes up a lot of my energy.  i think i have about 5 units of energy to spare in any one day, 2 of which are automatically relegated to him - getting his food ready for the day, waking up before i really want to, spending time with him for a bit in the evening (kind of waiting on him when he comes home).   writing on this forum can take 1-2 units of energy, depending on what's going on, but it's also something i want to do, keep it included in my daily schedule.  that leaves 1 or possible 2 units of energy to make food for myself, do dishes, do any errands that need to be accomplished, and find a way to be able to sleep enough during the day so that i feel better for the evening. 

most days those units are completely used.  days like this when he's gone gives me those 2 extra units, and i think i'm doing ok by adding something extra to my schedule, but i tend to not calculate correctly most of the time, and use up more energy that i thought i had, which leaves me depleted feeling, like today.  maybe someday i'll figure it out.  this up and down stuff is wearing all by itself.

just rambling, getting it out.  feels good to do that sometimes.

twink, good to hear from you!  actually, i think you went thru a very similar experience.  and, yeah, guilt, now that you mention it, does play a really big part in this.  thank you for that realization!  you're right, walk away and keep walking.  it's so tempting to think that 'this time it might be different'.  trouble is, i've thought that at least a thousand times in the past with others, and i was wrong every single time!  it was never different for more than a few moments.

breathing a little easier, as always when there's a realization that i can latch onto because it makes total sense.  dammit, i hate this crapola sometimes!  so many losses.  maybe it's time for another funeral.  lay him to rest with this final piece you provided me.  thank you again.  and i hope you're doing well.  you sound strong.

I agree with you, unfortunately it never changes (for long) anyway.  People like that don't often change. I've began to think of it like this: Because of my history and my C-PTSD etc, I attracted toxic people. People that liked control and I was the type of person who were normally seeking validation and acceptance so probably accepted a lot of * that I shouldn't have.... it's repetition compulsion at it's finest - we repeat the painful patterns because although they are awfully painful, they come with a familiar sense of "home" about them.. if that makes sense?

I am trying to tell myself that on my journey to heal, I have to cut these old patterns off, no matter how painful that may be now - with the knowledge that in the future, I will thank myself for it and be able to attract different people, people that are kind and genuine.

But the guilt is strong. It is one of my biggest problems in trying to heal from a narcissistic mother - and a narcissistic friend. Carrying their guilt and it still feels like it belongs to me although it doesn't.

XX

PS - Please do not try and catch up on my last few weeks because I've just posted on my journal and there is HEAPS of writing. Please don't use up your energy or your remaining units on it!! I can summarise for you instead if you wanted to hear about it xx

too late, twink.  already read them and responded.  i'm glad i did.  it was a pleasure. 

i agree with you about the repetition.  i've had to eliminate so many people from my life because of that.  my latest ex-girlfriend i'd been friends with for over 20 yrs!  i don't even have the faintest idea what would have happened if my parents were still alive.  don't know if i'd have been able to speak to them about this, what they'd be like as they'd gotten older, if i'd have had to eliminate them as well.  they both died a long time ago, so i'll never know.  when i've spoken to them in my mind, i've had some good conversations with them, but i've also done a lot of anger work with them as well. 

i have 3 people in my life now that i care to keep close to me - my brother, my daughter, and my hub.  my brother and daughter are so kind and supportive of me, and i've been able to tell him a lot about what's going on with me.  he's been tolerant and caring.  my daughter, i can only speak about some of the stuff, because i lot involves her father, and she isn't in a place to deal with much about him and me besides what i told her about his lusting after her, which devastated her.  she's decided to keep him in her life, but i've asked her not to tell me about him.  her sister, well, we've both had to go nc with her.  same with my sister.  many, many losses.  friends, exes, family, therapists - i've had very poor luck with theapists.  luckily i became one so am able to help myself a lot and understand a lot.  i also love doing research, and have gotten a lot of info about what's going on with me physically, what i need to bring to the docs so that i may get some relief.

thanks for your concern, twink.  i've cut way down on posts that i respond to because of my energy levels, but there are several people, such as you, with whom i've been involved from early on, and want to continue to stay involved.  i'm careful - this forum has been a life-saver for me, along with the people on it.  i don't want to give that up, and will happily use my units of energy here when and as much as i am able.  love and hugs.

Ah sorry, I didn't get to you quickly enough!!! Thank you in any case for reading them all. There was so much, must have taken you ages!!! I am always worried not to trigger someone else.

Oh wow, you really have had a lot of losses in your life. I can't imagine how you've come through all of that such a wonderfully caring person. That is a tribute to you. 

I am so glad you have your brother, daughter and your hub but you also have me and others you have connected with on here or wherever else you might speak to people. I often think of you and hope you are doing well.

I didn't know you were a therapist?!! Wow that is incredible, I would LOVE to be a therapist one day. How amazing is that, do you still work?

xx

no problem, twink.  your blogs are easy to read, as in you write in a manner to make reading them easy.

yes, i'm a therapist for about 25 yrs., have practiced emdr for about 20 yrs., have also worked with addictions and adolescents (my favorites).  i haven't worked regularly for nearly 16 yrs, when i got too sick, and had to quit.  while here in mexico, i've worked with several people during the years, but even that's gotten too stressful for me now.  i love the work, tho.  when i was a kid, i wanted to be a brain researcher - the mind fascinated me even then.  i went to college in my teens to be a teacher.  had to drop out after 2 yrs.  went back to school in my 40's, got my b.a. in psych, and my master's in soc. work, (MSW) which initials i now get to put after my name!  big deal, hey?  but, actually, to me it was.  got credentialed via a 4-hr. exam (i completed it in 3 hrs. and 53 min.  it was tough!) and was also trained in couples and family therapy.  i really feel like i got the best of both the worlds i wanted to be a part of - i get to explore the minds of people while teaching them as well.  it all works out the way it's supposed to, i guess!

you'd probably make a very good therapist.  if you ever do decide to go that route, and have questions, feel free.

and thank you for your kind words.  they're really appreciated.  love and hugs.

Getting your MSW AND a b.a. in psychology?? Thats a huge deal and definitely something to be proud of...It sounds like you've lived a pretty accomplished life san... I'm seriously impressed!  :applause:

thanks, downsideup.  very kind of you to say so.  it took a long time to realize that dream - to graduate from college.  i started when i was 17, finally finished 30 yrs. later.  don't ever give up on your dreams.  it may take awhile, but they can still come true if you keep heading for them.  don't ever give up.

SERIOUSLY impressed San!! AMAZING.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer:

thank you dear sweet twink.  you brought a smile to my face this morning.

it's a smile i need, too.  i'm feeling very anxious today - i have that doc appt. ordeal tomorrow, and as helpful as my hub has been in looking out for me and taking care of me, this is the downside of that.  with him gone, i don't have him to rely on, i have the language to contend with on my own, and it's all very stressful to me just thinking about it. 

i was always so independent, fearless when it came to these kinds of things.  now that i'm getting in touch with my emotions, i'm feeling this anxiety, etc. and it's so new and uncomfortable.  i don't like it.  i've become dependent on him to help me navigate this country (such as cab drivers trying to take advantage of me cuz i'm american, and in most mexican's minds, all americans are rich).  i'll make it thru, but it's not going to be smooth for me emotionally.

so, i'll get thru this day as best i can, and tomorrow as well, and then my hub will be home probably fri., and my schedule will have to go back to being his again.  at least he's gone all day, so i do have quite a bit of alone time for sleeping and resting.  and, then i will be getting ready to present all my info on my physical abnormalities and make my spiel for getting a brain scan to address any injury in there and what that might have to do with what's going on with me, why my body reacts the way it does, along with the adrenals and mis-functioning hormones, and who knows, really, how many of them are involved.

o, wah wah wah.  my secret fear is that the doc will tell me that they don't have the resources to do anything further for me and i will live out my life like this.  how's that for projecting negativity?  still, that's where i am right now, and i'm being honest and forthright and putting it out here for the world to see.  it would be nice to have 3 days strung together where i felt well in mind and body.  i'd like to live long enough to see that happen.  i'm afraid i won't.  this would be no way to die.

boy, i went to a pretty dark place quite quickly.  still, it is what it is, i am what i am.  and right after all those pom pom girls from you lovely ladies.  they just don't hold over long enough to overshadow the fears and realities.  i so wish they would.

OK, San, here comes another round of hugs, only with each one, remind yourself of someone (IRL or here) who loves you and of ONE uniquely 'SanMagic7' quality that helps you know you are worth all this effort.

I'll get you started.  Here's a hug from me (someone who loves you) and the unique quality is Warrior Woman warmth:  :bighug:

I'm doing this because you are alone with your thoughts today and tomorrow and that just won't do. We all end up burrowing back into that ugly place without enough positive distraction. So.... here are more hugs to name & qualify:

:bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

Don't stop until you can give a name and a quality to each one. That's only 10. You can do it. *** And you can't stew in the negativity pot while you're doing it ***  Lots of love to you, friend, San.

such a totally creative exercise.  i got stuck on 7 for a moment, but then things cracked open a bit, and i really do feel more grounded and a little less anxious.  thank you, my dear sweet friend for that.  i will wrap all of you around me tomorrow, so i won't be going alone after all.  that's really a relief to think about.

thank you so much for that - it brings tears of happiness (yes, i can feel it) to my eyes.    happy is such a lovely feeling.  thank you again.  you've helped me so much.  love you right back, and a big hug to boot!

The real San is emerging, and like a newly emerged butterfly, you may be fragile, but you are also strong and beautiful.

I can't wait to see the patterns emerge: calm > self-acceptance > rest > health ::: rinse and repeat as becomes true :::

I'll be thinking of you, wishing you calm and a cab driver who has a good heart, and a useful doctor's visit.

Oh sorry San I didn't log on and see this until now (10pm) I'm so sorry! 

I totally feel for you and understand your feelings completely. You will be fine but you know that already, do this to prove to yourself that you're strong and independent! Another thing to add to your list of qualities.

Keep us all in mind when you're there tomorrow - hold onto us in your head. You have our love and support !!

Xxx

thanks, twink.  you will all be with me. 

and, thank you, too, wife2, for all your support.

the thing that gets me is that i have always been strong and independent, fearless, doing what others only wished they'd done.  it wasn't until i began getting sick that my feelings of strength began leaving me.  my spirit has been strong enough to keep me alive (with a lot of help) but that was iffy at times, too. 

now my health, while better than it was several years ago, literally stops me in my tracks from doing things i didn't give a second thought to before.  it's been such a great change in my way of living, my way of thinking, my wanting for myself.  sometimes it's just so difficult to deal with the difference.  being so dependent on my hub goes against my very nature, yet i've had to alter that nature to accommodate the physical wrongs.

i'm hoping that next month, another specialist, that i will get some answers, or at least more tests to discover why my body reacts to stress the way it does.  i've heard of people having 'stress flu' before (which i do experience) but never heard why my legs will stop working properly, and other anomalies like that.  we can only wait and see.  i don't doubt i'll be posting something similar when it comes time to see the next guy (this is just a routine glaucoma check-in tomorrow). 

thank you all for your support and caring and kindness and love.  i love you all right back, and will carry you with me tomorrow.  hugs to everyone.

Hey...don't be too hard on yourself. You've done a lot, and it sounds pretty frustrating to have to slow down, but try to be patient with yourself. Also, good luck on that trip. I hope you brought a book or something to keep yourself entertained:)

thanks to everyone for being with me.  as it turned out, an entire week of mental and emotional prep, going twice to get paperwork done, energy, stress, lack of sleep, anxiety and the trip itself was a total waste.  completely a waste.  i'm home safe and sound, but am tired and don't even know how i feel yet, except more drained by the minute.  none of this, none, needed to happen.  more later.  they totally effed up.   

i want to respond to everyone, but i have no energy today.  know that i love you all, am with you, and think of you beautiful beings with nothing but admiration for all your courage.  big hug.

Beside you in spirit, dear friend. :hug:

Don't worry about anyone other than yourself right now...it sounds like you've been through a lot of * yesterday. I really am sorry to hear that. Rest easy San<3

We've got you in our thoughts & prayers.

I'm standing beside you, with ThreeRoses and the rest. You have your permission to take care of yourself FIRST today. It's ok.

had a good nap, so feeling a bit better. 

i can't thank you all enough.  you were with me, i thought of you often yesterday, you really helped me make it through.

it has taken two weeks of stress, mental and emotional preparation, trips to the office here in town (always stressful for me) for stupid paperwork, anxiety, and dealing with the language (when i'm on my game, i do pretty good.  as i get more stressed, my mind can't translate as well, or simply shuts down, and i'm out of the conversation,  my hub has been a big help in that territory, so going it alone, i always have that to consider.  this time, tho, my doc speaks english, i've done this before quite a few times, and i had that going for me.) as well as a nearly 3 hr. bus ride one way to where the specialists are.  i had to learn how to make the alarm work so i could get up at 4 to catch the 6:00 bus (i don't have a cell phone, so i don't know how those things work.  electronic gadgets are not my thing - at all!) and got very little sleep the night before.

all in all, wrapped in a coat of many colors comprised of all of you, i got there only to discover that something happened to 'the system' (computer) between my town and there, and i wasn't registered for my appt.  after about 1 1/2 hrs. of going from one floor to another, one desk to another, one more person to another, they finally found a place for me.

trouble was that it wasn't with my doc.  someone else did some eye pressure tests, told me everything should remain the same, and to go back out to the desk to get another appt. so i could see my doc.  i have to go back in may, when it will be over 100 degrees in the shade (it's already in the 90's), and i simply imploded.  went completely numb, was jacked up on adrenaline, had no idea how to feel except that 2 weeks of stress were a complete waste. 

i'm not one to believe in wastes of time, normally.  whether it's sleeping, relaxing, not 'doing' things that 'should' probably be done, i believe there's a reason for all of it, and it usually has to do with self-care and healing.  but, this is the first time that i felt waste of time and energy, and it sucked.  i don't know who or what to be mad at, sad about, don't have feelings.  some anger, i guess, but it's non-directed, so i have nowhere to go with it.  ugh!  what a horrible feeling, that of waste.  i felt dead, hollow, and numb all at the same time. 

ok, just talked to my hub, i'm now officially mad about this.  yay!  i was right there, they could have let me see my doc but decided to make me come back instead, even tho they knew i was from here and it was a crappy busride - again!!!.  grrrr!  gotta go pound my bed! 

thank you all for coming with me yesterday.  it was cool to have you for company - something solid in my mind that i could think of and know.  i loved it, and love you.

Ok wow that sounds like the worst possible sequence of events...I got mad for you just reading that lol. There's definitely a place you can direct your anger, and it's towards the crappy hospital staff who just completely blew you off by the looks of it. I'm really sorry that happened. Hopefully next time you can bring your husband or a friend to help translate? Just an idea. I hope you rest enough, and let yourself feel upset for as long as you need to.

thanks, downside.  yep, i did get p.o.'d yesterday, did some screeching and bed banging and it felt good.  my hub usually does come with me, but he was gone on his whale-watching adventure and i didn't want him to have to cut it short - otherwise he'd have been there. 

so, life goes on, and we'll put that down as something to learn from, and move toward something more productive.   

next month is the big one - see if i can get some answers to what's going on with my body and brain, and if there's anything that can be done about either.  that should be spectacular.  next week, i'll be gathering and putting together all the info i can find on traumatized brain scans, c-ptsd, symptoms i have, alexithymia (these docs have never heard of this stuff, so i've gotta educate them) all my lab work of late - everything i can find to make my case for getting an mri and treatment that's going to help get me better. 

i have a lot of it already, but i want to make a lovely little packet to present to him and let him know exactly everything that is going on.  i don't have much hope for anything successful (*, i'm almost 70, why would they give a schmit!  i've lived a life - i can't see them wanting to invest much time, energy, effort, or money into me.  not being pessimistic, just looking at it realistically.)

so that's my next big project on the road to wellness.  if nothing comes of it, i'll at least know that it wasn't because of my lack of trying.  these docs here have a lot of the god complex about them.  they really do.  not a lot of healers, not a lot of them are willing to look at the individual as such, or entertain the idea that the patient may know a little something about their own body and how it's working in the here and now.  so, we'll see. (that's actually been a lot of my experience with mexico - we'll see!).   

Not gonna lie I had to look up what alexithymia is...it sounds like a lot to deal with. I hope the least they can do for all the effort you're putting into this is give you the scan. It's a shame that the doctors where you are don't listen to their patients. Not the best quality when your job relies on helping others. I hope you find your healer, and not just another inflated ego. Like you said, we'll just have to see.

hey, i had to look it up, too, when someone suggested i might be suffering from it.  i took an online test, scored high in every category.  have been working ever since to get my emotions back and have been making progress.  i was able to feel 'happiness' for the first time just recently.  it felt good.  i want more!

i haven't been able to work for over 15 yrs.  because of being too sick.  i did work with a few clients after i came here to mexico, but now i can't even do that - too stressful.  so, i'm basically in survival mode most of the time, working on keeping my body functioning.  after all the years of trauma, several physical systems have already stopped working the way they're supposed to, like my immune system, digestive system, my lungs, and my adrenal glands (adrenal fatigue). 

i'm doing the best i can with what i've got here.  i thank you, downside, and all the others here for helping me keep going with all this.   it's not much of a life, especially compared to what it used to be.  but it's the one i have now and i make the most of it.  love and hugs to you and everyone here.

i really don't understand my body and what's going on with it.  i've been working hard at eating paleo as much as possible, because that's been what's been recommended for adrenal fatigue, to help them recover.  ok, fine.  then came the stress of the past two weeks, culminating in that ordeal day to the doc, and i know stress is the one thing i'm sposed to be avoiding as much as possible because of the adrenal hormones that get used up.  ok, i get that.

so, along with a bunch of vitamins, the occasional 1/2 xanax when i'm tensed and need to calm down (too much stress flowing thru my veins, and breathing, etc., isn't helping), my naps, and snoozes when i get tired, i'm doing what i can to stay mostly on track, or at least the best i'm able.  i go out as little as possible cuz of the energy used just in being friendly (which isn't fake, but it still takes energy, along with driving, etc.), don't overly exercise (maybe 15 min/day just walking around my house), one or two chores if i have the energy for them - all this stuff is very mindful, even if it isn't much of a life. 

i love coming here, use up some of my energy here out of love, am still writing novels, maybe a page at a time when i have the energy, watch my tennis.  everything very low key, watch how much of my energy i'm using up all the time.  very aware.  then, my hub came home from his trip, got sick, lots of coughing, and i'm wearing my little face mask in the house and to bed, cuz getting sick for me is immediate bronchitis.  and yesterday, in spite of everything, i began feeling miserable.

thought for sure i had gotten what he got, and it was only a matter of time before it would go to my lungs.  already had the sore throat, felt warm, felt awful all over.  he was ready to take me to the e.r., get me antibiotics, but i said to wait a day.  took an ibuprofen, felt a little better.

and went off my diet by eating a piece of bakery.  i've really cut down on my sugar intake (except when i go visiting in the states!) and often my digestive system goes haywire the next day when i indulge.  don't know if that will happen today, but i do know that for some reason i feel better, not so sick-y.  maybe it was all the stress that finally caught up to me, my brain needed an extra boost of sugar, i don't know.

this has happened before when i've felt like this, gotten my stress sickness.  often, i'll get pizza and ice cream and within the hour i feel better.  it's something i can't explain, and don't know all the time when this is real sickness and when it's stress sickness.  it messes with my head - on one hand i kind of beat myself up for maybe hurting myself by what i ate, but on the other hand it makes me feel better physically, which makes me feel better mentally and emotionally as well.  i wish i knew what was going on with this, but it's happened like this for many, many years.  too weird.

I'm no doctor, that's for sure. Still it sounds to me like this.

1) Eat healthy, low stress, adrenals working as well as they can (still deficit) , feel ok.
2) Eat healthy, high stress, adrenals fall behind AGAIN - feel horrible.
3) Eat junk, stress lowers, guilt kicks in, not sure what adrenals want with sugars/starches, but.... feel better some.
4) Eat healthy, reduce stress, adrenals try to work again, feel ok.

It could be just me, but I'm a believer in the body being capable of craving exactly what it needs, when it needs - if it knows what it needs.

I know that I crave sugars, salt, chocolate or certain veggies at different times. And when I crave, they need to be consumed within a week. Whenever I got what I was craving, it was usually DELICIOUS to me, even if I'm not usually a fan. The chocolate can be satisfied by 1 or 2 kisses or mini candy bars. The salty by a small bowl or small bag of chips. When I crave water, I hate it - I am not a big fan of water, but I figure, my body is asking for a reason.

The most bizarre one was craving a pimento cheese sandwich while pregnant. I HATE those things. Did before, still do. But that one that I HAD to have while pregnant tasted SO GOOD that day.

Just as our brains get wired in strange ways, so do our bodies! I haven't read 'The Body Keeps The Score' yet, but I do plan to - one of these days. I think that author would agree that environment, stress and 'having permission to cheat on the diet plan' can all work together to teach our bodies to crave AND love - and maybe even use those foods.

Then again, I'm 50 pounds overweight and still smoking - so I'm not exactly a picture of health nor someone who would inspire others to ask - tell me your secrets to looking that way!

If having a few slices of pizza with a cookie or two, whatever, helps you genuinely feel better in mind and spirit, and that 'better'-ness helps the body calm down, allowing the adrenal glands to calm down, then..... What was the question? Just kidding. Enjoy, guilt free. Even indulgences once in a while are good for the body, spirit and mind.

well, you know it's always more than a 'few' slices of pizza and a cookie or two', but yeah, i guess the body wants what the body wants.   sometimes it's just difficult cuz i really do want these things to heal, and from all accounts it may take years, and the steroids don't agree with me so as far as i know i have to do this from a holistic point - but, i guess, respecting the brain's messages is also part of this.  it just gets so wearing!

thanks for the support - again! - wife2.  you are a dear friend, you know.  dang, if it isn't one thing, it's another.  whack a mole!

Standing with you, warrior woman Sanmagic7. Standing right there with you. Or, if sitting is better, sitting next to you, hand on your forearm (my hands are typically warm and soothing, so I've been told), passing as much healing energy as I can through my palm. I'll even try yoga (for the first time in 40 years) with you if it'll help inspire you!

well, it turns out i really am sick, bronchitis, am on antibiotics now.  this cuz i kissed my hub when he came home from his trip - he began coughing the next day, i started wearing my medical mask while he was home, even to sleep, but the damage was already done.  only took me 3 days before i began feeling it.

so, i don't have a lot of anything for doing stuff right now.   bad night.  but i do have gratitude, and hand on arm sounds soothing and comforting.  thank you so much.  this crapola just wears me down, another piece of that spirit gets whittled away, and it feels like my body just can't take much more of this.  not good.

Big hugs to you! :bighug:

Wish I could do something tangible for you ♡♡♡

Oh no! I'm so sorry you're not feeling good San:( Rest easy and take as long as you need. Bronchitis is a real pain...try not to cough too hard or put any strain on yourself. This must be so hard for you but I'm sure you'll get your spirit back :hug:

feeling a little better today, but i'm still taking it easy.  lots of good tennis to watch, so i'm set.  thank you all for your well wishes.  time to rest.

day to day.  dang, this takes so much out of me.  i absolutely hate it!!!  small steps to wellness, no matter what form. 

Bronchitis is such an insidious illness. Quick to start, slow to leave. I certainly hope you are at least maintaining and not getting worse, friend.  :hug:

I have no great advice to give, but know that I'm sitting here beside you, with a spare tissue box for whatever needs to come out of you and be thrown away (phlegm, tears, old painful memories). Let's sip that warm beverage of choice (coffee for me), look out over the best view you can see easily (putting one on the computer monitor if needed), play the most soothing music or white noise sounds to complete the mood. ** coughing may happen, but we won't let it disturb the peace we're setting up any longer than it must. **

Breathe in slowly, stopping before the cough starts. Feel the healing air bring the oxygen your body needs. Feel your lungs send that oxygen into your blood cells. Feel those blood cells work their way through your body, bringing healing wherever they touch. Feel the cells throughout your body release their toxins into that blood. Feel that blood move on to the liver, kidneys, depositing those toxins. Feel your worker organs slowly clean that blood, sending fresh, but oxygen deprived, blood back to the heart, then lungs. Now, the muscles have the oxygen they need to relax. Slowly, even through the bronchitis, the healing happens, bit by bit. It's a meditation. A nice supplement to Western style medicine.

I'd forgotten that I used to do that on quiet evenings before I got married. I would take quiet time and just allow my body to be. I think that's how I got through so much of the stuff I survived. I still am paying a price, but I don't think the price is as high as it could have been. I know you didn't really have that option, having your family while still so young yourself. It's not twilight yet, the sun hasn't even set for you. You have time to learn how to take calm, relaxing time for you to give yourself permission to just be. And breathe. I'm right here next to you, quietly breathing as well.

you are such a sweetly wonderful person, wife2.  you always bring a smile to my heart.  what a darling friend you are to me.  thank you for being here with me.

breathing.  i have such a hard time slowing myself down.  so restless.  sudden thought - could that be a c-ptsd symptom?  always feeling like i want to be doing something?  before i got sick, i was continuously on the go, juggling so much, all those plates in the air.  people would ask how i did so much.  i would knit sweaters while watching tv at night after doing whatever i did during the day. 

my downtimes have been naps.  full out sleep.  i didn't rest, am only beginning to discover that concept.  to sit quietly with a cup of tea or coffee - i'd see that in commercials, people just sitting there nursing their mug, and it was like looking at a foreign language film w/o subtitles.  outside my comprehension.

so, while it warms my heart to have you say that to me, and i do some mindful breathing most days to try to slow myself down, it's very uncomfortable for me to do so.  if i sit and read a book, i either get antsy and go do something else, or i fall asleep.  hmmm, interesting subject here for me. 

uncomfortable is the word.  discomforting.  quite the opposite of what it's supposed to be doing for me, comforting me, soothing me, relaxing me.  i carry so much tension in my body, i feel like i'm terminally wired for sound and action.  i've done relaxation exercises, and they help a little, but not for very long.  the tension returns and i have to forcefully catch myself, bring my forehead down when i'm mindfully attempting to relax. 

i've been like this for so long, i don't know quite what to think about it anymore.  even massages are rarely relaxing - i tense up against the pain i'm anticipating.  i'll keep working on it.  even when i was drinking, i never nursed a beer - that puppy was gone in about 4 swallows.  i was one of the fastest drinkers i knew. 

yet, my actions don't belie this.  i'm not a fast mover or talker.  unless i'm excited about something.  then, my arms are waving all over the place, my mouth is running a hundred words a minute.  something very contradictory has overtaken my body over the years.  we'll see.  i'll keep at it.

thanks, wife2, for this wake-up call.   it seems that all my waking time i'm looking to relax, yet it eludes me (i love that phrase).  i don't know what to make of it.

Quotei have such a hard time slowing myself down.  so restless.  sudden thought - could that be a c-ptsd symptom?  always feeling like i want to be doing something?

See if this fits -

QuoteThe Flight Type and the Obsessive-Compulsive Defense

Flight types appear as if their starter button is stuck in the "on" position. They are obsessively and compulsively driven by the unconscious belief that perfection will make them safe and loveable. As children, flight types respond to their family trauma somewhere along a hyperactive continuum that stretches between the extremes of the driven "A" student and the ADHD dropout running amok. They relentlessly flee the inner pain of their abandonment and lack of attachment with the symbolic flight of constant busyness.

What recharges your batteries? It doesn't have to be sitting and relaxing. That drives my husband crazy. The most refreshing thing for him is a good walk.

Come to think of it, my ucPTSD husband is the same way. Sitting still literally causes him physical pain. He can't do 'relaxation' the way I do. He MUST be doing something. He's found that having something to do with his hands is immensely relaxing - far more than sitting still with his thoughts.

So, he builds bullets, makes dinner, sweeps (sometimes LOL), fiddles with things, tinkers. Anything to keep body and mind as active as he can. He can't drive and his wrecked knee means no walking as exercise. If he's been sitting too long, it's aches and pains everywhere and he's miserable and BORED.

While that relaxing tea and mind/body meditation may work for me, not so much for you or hubby.

That info 3Roses gave is very helpful to understand. I describe that feeling as 90 mile-an-hour veins in a standing still body. I don't have it often, but I do know it.

Macramé - that's something that can be small or large and can use small movements or big ones. Twine or cord or rope can be acquired pretty cheaply. It can be done sitting down (small hanger for flowering pots) or standing up (dream catcher on a large hoop). My Mom taught me years ago and it was fun to create these things. They can also be made for sale. Just a thought. Culturally, it could also be welcomed in Mexico.

I just wish I could help you purge this crud out of your body!!

Don't force anything. I think Wife2 and 3Roses are right. If you feel the urge to get up and move your body, do so in a positive and relaxing way. I would always paint or draw. Some people like to dance. Sometimes I just get out in the backyard and pace around while listening to music. Being out in nature always calms me down, and sitting still doesn't do much of anything besides causing me to zone out. Again, listen to what your body is telling you to do and try to do so in a positive and relaxing manner. This is probably so hard to do with bronchitis...here's hoping you have a swift recovery :hug:

i am processing all this.  the passage you quoted, 3 roses, brought tears to my eyes, so i know it struck a chord.  i can see several aspects of me in it -  thank you very much.

doing things with my hands, yes, wife2, exactly why i would knit or cross stitch or macrame or sew or do puzzles.  i may have been trying to fit my round self in a square hole.  which speaks to what you said, downsideup, about not forcing myself.  i've heard so much about meditation and yoga and tai chi as relaxers, and they don't relax me at all.  i feel like i'm being roped down into something i only want to break free of.  i kept thinking it's me, it works for everyone else, what's wrong with me?  am i not doing it enough?  do i need to just keep at it, 'force' myself to do it cuz that's what i keep hearing from everyone? 

questions and processing.  thank you all for your responses.  i saw some alexithymia and addiction stuff in that passage that would fit for me, not being comfy with my feelings, being perfect, etc.  will keep at this.  i love you all.  i wish i had a therapist for this, but i don't, so i guess i'll have to start digging for myself by myself.  hmmm . . .  once this crapola gets into my mind, my brain will not let it go until i get down to it and get it fixed, if it's possible to do so.  i'm getting tired of this trait in myself.  sometimes i wish i was just really shallow and didn't give a crap and just could go back to floating thru life, drunk, high, no responsibilities. 22 forever.    too late - the floodgates have been opened and a lifetime has passed through them.  i just found out today that a dear mexican friend from here died in a terrible car crash 2 wks. ago.  i knew him over 40 yrs. and have had quite a history with him.  he was quite a character and never stopped loving me in all that time.  r.i.p., felix.  i will be your preciosa forever.

Quote from: Three Roses on March 17, 2017, 02:49:14 PM

QuoteThe Flight Type and the Obsessive-Compulsive Defense

Flight types appear as if their starter button is stuck in the "on" position. They are obsessively and compulsively driven by the unconscious belief that perfection will make them safe and loveable. As children, flight types respond to their family trauma somewhere along a hyperactive continuum that stretches between the extremes of the driven "A" student and the ADHD dropout running amok. They relentlessly flee the inner pain of their abandonment and lack of attachment with the symbolic flight of constant busyness.

This fits for me. In my working life I had trouble with weekends and when I went back to university I found the holidays went on for ever. Unstructured time is a major issue for me. Now I'm involuntarily retired I have to have every minute filled or I get so anxious it's unbearable. I've tried 'sitting with it' and in less than a minute of my mind running all over the place I think of something else I can do and I'm up on my feet again. It's exhausting, and I frequently have trouble switching off at night.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 18, 2017, 09:34:51 AMi've heard so much about meditation and yoga and tai chi as relaxers, and they don't relax me at all.  i feel like i'm being roped down into something i only want to break free of.   

That's it exactly. Now that I know I'm fleeing the inner pain of my abandonment and lack of attachment, what am I gonna do about it?  :Idunno:

this has opened up so much for me.  checked out what pete has to say in more depth and i'm feeling overwhelmed.  it is so distressing to me to find these things out.  i always think of perfectionism as having a clean house, the right clothes/image/makeup - all image stuff.  mine has been to be perfect as a person, as a therapist, as a friend, as a partner.  perfect in relationships.  a fixer, take action and make things right.  not having my emotions, including not having an inner critic, has gone a long way to keep me covered up by this.

i know logically that i'm not perfect, but i didn't always know it.  i truly believed i was, was more than others, looked down on others, and without empathy or being able to relate emotionally, i was also more than arrogant. 

today, thinking of all that has been revealed to me since yesterday, i have an inner critic telling me i'm a failure.  never heard that before.  i'm also admitting that i don't go out of my house because i don't feel safe anywhere, (me, who has taken road trips of more than 2000 mi. on my own w/o an ounce of fear) not even in the house.  not in my own home, not with my hub who doesn't want to hurt me for the world, but continues to do so.   it's part of my tension, part of not being able to sleep.  i'm alone during the day, no one to interrupt me or take the covers or make his presence known, and i sleep so soundly, so profoundly.  at night, not so much, and not for long.

just a little while ago, he came home, we asked each other how we're doing, we both said we're struggling.  i asked him what with, he told me.  i was waiting to see if he'd ask me.  it took awhile, but he did.  and it started spilling out, these realizations, these feelings, the pain in my chest that represents fear (i can at least recognize that now), wanting a half a xanax but feeling - omg!  another one i've only consciously felt right now! - ashamed! 

we were watching tv the other night, a woman started crying, frasier pulled her into a comforting embrace, and i told my hub that that's what you do when someone is in distress - gather them in.  and that's what he did today.  he remembered and it felt so good, so protective, so not alone.  i've been working hard for most of my life at this personality of perfection in order to never feel alone again after my parents did not gather me in when i was in distress.  it was the worst feeling i'd ever had, and i knew that i was on my own from that time on, and decided i would create a personality that would ensure that people - light bulb - would not abandon me like my parents did when i was 14.

and i began smiling and giving out compliments and being pleasant, and it took a few years but it worked.  and i knew that my job was to make others feel good, and if i could do that, they'd like me so much for it that they wouldn't leave me.  i was cute and had a killer personality by the time i was 17, and floated thru life, clueless and/or confused about others and their emotions.  i was inconsiderate and uncaring, mainly (my ic just wanted to start beating me up for that, but i won't let it) because i didn't know how to be otherwise.  i broke hearts, flitted from here to there, had wonderful girlfriends, and stayed in abusive relationships too long. 

and now i see the facade too clearly but by another name.  adrenaline junkie.  (pete's words).  and i'm startled cuz i would never have described myself like that.  it's a bad thing, to my mind, and altho i did uncaring things to people, i never wanted to hurt someone else.  i just did without realizing what i was doing.

and this all ties in with my overeating, pushing that discomfort that raises its head as feelings that i'm not aware of, can't identify, but feel very disturbing, and i can't sit with them so i eat.  all my substance addictions are in on this, too.  they're past, thank you god, but they've been my best friends since i went away to college and stayed with me through thick and thin for 20 yrs., then i took a 15 yr. break, then i went back to them for 5 yrs., now i've stopped again for 15 yrs., 1 1/2 yrs. for cigs.  i would never have stopped but my body began breaking down and couldn't tolerate those poisons anymore.

so i'm sitting here, writing this out, xanax doing its work, feeling calmer.  eventually i know i've got to work out how to do this w/o the meds, but not now.  i've got to get ready, armed w/ info, to take to the doc next month.  that's gotta be my priority.  this stress isn't good for me, and i'm doing all i can right now.

pete talked about eating when we're hungry soon after eating a meal as attempting to assuage the hunger for not being abandoned.  i haven't thought of this abandonment thing in any great depth before.  nor shame.  nor inner critic.  i've lived my life without these monsters hovering over, around, and within me, and now they're all here, threatening me.  the fear is bad enough.  it's cohorts are distressing me greatly.

pete also said that he was 'flight' and had to make himself sit with quietness, even while the urges to do something were banging on the door.  something to start another day.  today, i'm just me, imperfect in so many ways.  i can't believe you people love me and stick with me.  you're showing me something brand new.  thanks.  gotta go take a shower.  change the bed.  make myself something to eat that i'll probably eat too much of.  a problem to tackle another day.  i feel unworthy, also something new, the opposite of entitled, which i felt most of my life.  geez, this is hard.   eeeek!

 :heythere:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 18, 2017, 11:43:04 PMi've been working hard for most of my life at this personality of perfection

You do realise there's no such thing, don't you? Or to put it another way, that we're all already perfect (albeit still evolving) just as we are right now?

Quotei would create a personality that would ensure that people - light bulb - would not abandon me like my parents did when i was 14.

My mind boggles at such a mountainous task! I must be the other way round; I'm so accustomed to being kicked out, abandoned, cut off or what-have-you that I'm like  :whistling: when it happens. I mean in relationships other than FOO. But then I make so few real friendships, in anticipation of people deciding they can't be bothered with me any more...

Quotei was inconsiderate and uncaring, mainly (my ic just wanted to start beating me up for that, but i won't let it) because i didn't know how to be otherwise.  i broke hearts, flitted from here to there, had wonderful girlfriends, and stayed in abusive relationships too long. 

Now that I can identify with!

Quoteso i'm sitting here, writing this out, xanax doing its work, feeling calmer.  eventually i know i've got to work out how to do this w/o the meds, but not now.  i've got to get ready, armed w/ info, to take to the doc next month.  that's gotta be my priority.  this stress isn't good for me, and i'm doing all i can right now.

Has anyone ever told you you're awfully hard on yourself? I've had it said to me and can't see it, but I sure can see it in you. There's a kind of breathless 'gotta do this, gotta do that' about this post. And that isn't a criticism, please don't think so!

Quotei can't believe you people love me and stick with me. 

We all get a vibe about certain members as we read their posts. Yours is absolutely beautiful, genuinely caring to the point where I've wondered about self-abnegation. Can you put yourself first for a while? Can you do that at all?

:hug:

i've been working so hard all my life at this perfectionism stuff, no wonder i'm tired all the time, but haven't been able to stop.  o my friggin' heart.  always, always, always, something else to do, think about, be, fix, look for, help - right now i don't know very well how to stop.

candid, thanks for your comments.  i'm just lost right now. 

yesterday i consciously felt and said how unsafe i feel.  that someone will hurt me if i leave the house.  i've covered that up by saying it uses up so much energy for me (which it does) and that makes it very stressful (which it does - i go grocery shopping, doesn't take more than a half hour, i'm laid out exhausted by the time i put food away) keeping up my facade, working all the time, looking for my dad to tell me he's proud of me (never happened), can't let up or i'm lazy, what a horrible thought!  my mom would show the calluses on her hands with pride at how hard she worked.  our house was spotless, nothing on the walls, no clutter or knicknacks, you'd never be able to tell that any kids lived there.  dang, i'm so tired of working so hard all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time . . . tears of self-pity right now.  that darling little girl had to be perfect, even before she was 2.  no shoes on the bed.   i am safe.  i am safe.  i am safe.  i am safe.  i am safe.  i am safe.  i am safe.  i wish i could feel that.

Oh San...I can't imagine what you're going through right now. I wish I could help you in the way you help so many others on this site. You can't be perfect. None of us can, and that's just a fact of humanity. You are safe in your own home, and you're allowed to give it clutter. Allow yourself to just live. I wish I could help...I have no idea how, but try to forgive yourself for those perceived faults. You're only human, and thats a wonderfully imperfect thing to be. Take care of yourself<3

:yeahthat:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 19, 2017, 02:08:19 PMi'm so tired of working so hard all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time, all the time . . . tears of self-pity right now.  that darling little girl had to be perfect, even before she was 2. 

Tears of self-compassion, sweet San. It's something all we CPTSD survivors are exhorted to get under our belts, right? But then in comes that danged inner critic telling you to stop feeling sorry for yourself -- as if we haven't all heard that enough times from other people. Cry as much as you need to, hugging a teddy if you've got one. No one else needs to know.

That darling little girl is still there, counting on you to comfort her.  :hug: I hope you can do for her (and yourself) what you've already done for me and so many others on the board.

so sweet of you, downsideup, your comments.  thanks.

my being perfect was a belief i was programmed into reaching for and believing about myself before i was 2.  even when i finally  got straight a's at 10, when i thought there'd be fireworks or something cuz i finally made that perfect report card, and it was barely acknowledged, i just knew that i had to keep trying harder to get some kind of recognition from my folks, which meant i couldn't let up on striving for perfection.

so i drove myself, but cracked wide open when i was 14, my best friend had moved away, i entered a new jr. high where i didn't know anyone at all, and experienced the most profound loneliness because i had no personality, just hit the books hard all the time and the loneliness finally crashed down on me, and i began sobbing in front of my parents (very messy, and not perfect at all) telling them how i felt, and neither reached out to comfort me in my terrible distress, and all my dad said was 'are you mental?  do you need to see a shrink?'. 

that shut me up and shut me down at the same time.  i knew i was on my own, had to do something to fix my dilemma so i'd never feel lonely again, constructed a new personality, and the only emotion that i couldn't control was my sadness.  all my other emotions - it was like they were corked up, not to be let out, and the alexithymia set in and i did my best to be perfect from that time on.

even my inner critic was silenced.  i knew logically that i couldn't be perfect, didn't want to be (is how i excused it) because perfection was boring.  so, if i had a run in my nylon or something, i'd just tell myself that it was a flaw that kept me from being boring, and that developed into the belief that i was perfectly flawed.  my inner critic turned into an inner excuse maker.

along with my new personality came expectations of praise, a feeling of knowing that i did well, was a great friend, a great girlfriend, a great daughter.  while i didn't get it from home, i did get praise from friends for being so wonderful, and from teachers for being such a good student, etc.  so i continued doing whatever i needed to do to get that praise that i was missing from my parents.  a bottomless pit of wanting praise, pos. recognition until i came to a point where i felt no joy in any of it, just expected it and felt no humility and really no humanity.  i'd worked hard to get it and knew i deserved it.  i just wanted more. 

and so it went.  i felt nothing at people telling me all this good stuff about myself - i expected it of myself.  i'd learned a long time ago that getting c's on my report card was unacceptable, which meant, to me, that just being ok, or being normal was not acceptable.  so, i became above the norm in every area i believed was important, which meant i believed i was perfect, and if a flaw showed up, it just meant i was perfectly flawed.

it also meant i couldn't relate to anyone else except my closest friends that brought something to the relationship that i could admire or look up to.  the rest of everyone i looked down on, some more than others.  both my first 2 hubs told me i was perfect so we all believed the same thing about me (i know now that misogynists will only choose the best and brightest women because it helps them become the envy of their friends, even tho they hate women and put them down every chance they get.  both of them were women haters).

i expected perfection from those nearest and dearest to me as well.  we were going to be the perfect couple or the perfect family.  everything was about perfection, and i was very strict about that - i modeled myself after mary poppins for a time with my daughters because she was 'practically perfect in every way' and jane and michael became perfect children as well.

it was all about reaching that non-existent goal that my parents set for me, esp. my dad, of the unrealistic expectations he held out for me to constantly fail to reach.   i lost my humanness because of it, and i've been working hard to get it back now, because it has nearly destroyed my body by not being able to recognize those emotions that weren't allowed, so they got stuffed into my very cells. 

yes, i do feel desperate about wanting to fix this cuz my fear is that i will die too soon if i don't.  when i just wrote that, i didn't know what it meant.  i've worked hard at relaxing, at resting - what oxymorons are those?  working hard to relax?  it makes no sense.  yet, i don't know another way to do this, to get something done.  i don't know how to just 'be', let alone how to just be me.  foreign language, foreign concept. 

some of this is working because more feelings are coming up.  like shame.  shame at not being perfect.  when kizzie asked for monitors for the forum, i didn't respond.  i told myself that i was too heartbroken that i couldn't make that commitment (my logical brain works overtime at finding reasons or spinning the truth, especially about emotions, cuz i can't usually recognize them) because of being too sick to say that yes, i would do that (which then entails the expectation to live up to my word, and some days i just can't do it), but yesterday i realized i was too ashamed not to be able to make that commitment, so i hid from it.  that's where shame resides - in the darkest hiding places.  well, i just brought it into the light now, so it can wither and die.

the fear of leaving the house is that there are too many days when i don't have the energy to put on a smile with people i know, and that's a sign of imperfection.  i'm afraid of being not perfect (feeling the fear is new in the last few months).  so, that fear is now brought out into the light, with its attending shame attached.  this i just realized by writing this.

figuring out who i am now, not being ashamed of being not perfect, wondering what that might look like is why i don't feel safe.  scared of the unknown.  i am the unknown.  will i crap my pants in public cuz i never can tell when my digestive pipes are going to explode?  i would collapse in tears on the spot, in my own *.  i've soiled sheets when sleeping at others' houses.  it's not that i'm incontinent, or i'd be in depends all the time.  this is random.  this is not a perfect flaw, either. 

will i let my true feelings about something or someone come out and startle others with them, with an unpopular opinion?  how do i tell someone that i don't want to see pics of their kids or grandkids, don't care what the rest of their house looks like because i'm visiting them, not their family or home.   i don't care about that stuff, and that makes me a weirdo of the nth degree.  i also immensely dislike the hypocritical and racist americans who live or visit here, and can't stand to be in their company.  i left my hub's christmas party early mainly cuz i couldn't take all the stimulation of talking and laughing around me (mostly in spanish where everyone was talking at the same time so i couldn't understand anything) but also because i can't stand his bosses, couldn't bear to be in the same room with them another minute cuz i couldn't trust myself not to say something nasty to them. 

i don't care about looking foolish or silly or laughing out loud, causing people to stare, aghast.  i figure if their lives are so boring, then maybe now they'll have something to talk about.   but i'm not conventional, and that goes against the grain of a lot of folks.   i don't want to hold babies, don't want to pet their dogs.  i don't have anything against them (i've had my own babies and pets) by i just don't want to be involved with those of others. 

i don't know how to be diplomatic in those circumstances, but doing that stuff feels like a waste of my time.  maybe it's part of my alexithymia, maybe it's cause i've never had a house as a showpiece, maybe it's cuz i don't like dogs jumping up on me or because i never asked anyone if they wanted to hold my babies.  i don't know, and i don't much care.  too much of society i just don't go along with, and here in a foreign country, the rules are different, the expectations are different, so if i avoid them as much as possible i won't be put into an uncomfortable situation where my distaste is written in bold letters all over my face.

so, i have a lot of personality stuff that is out of the ordinary, and i don't feel safe in myself not to just unleash something inappropriate.  that's scary, now that i think of it.  i can't stand his family, who lives next door, wanting to borrow something, so i do the hard thing and say no to them all the time, which is stressful, which i'm supposed to avoid.  i've had too many things that have walked off never to return. 

blecccch!  i just puked out a lot of stuff.  i guess i needed to puke.  what needs to happen with me will, no matter what i do or don't do. 

just saw your latest post, candid.  also very sweet of you to say those things.  i don't think self-pity is necessarily a bad thing, so when i said that i wasn't coming down on myself.  i've pitied myself various times over the years.  no one else ever did.

San...that sounds exhausting. No wonder you're so worn out. What happened to you when you were only 14 is heartbreaking. Your parents should have comforted you instead of mocked you. I hope you can find that comfort within yourself. Talk to that little girl and let her know that imperfection is something that is expected and allowed. I don't know much about healing yet, but I wish there was something I could do. You talk of fear, which may be a good thing after reading about the effects alexithymia. You are recognizing and feeling that emotion, which sounds like a success to me. As for the inner critic, I am usually able to combat my own with a thought-stopping process. You may not find this helpful, as you said your critic morphed into an excuse maker, but maybe give it a shot? I wish you the best of luck in this. Take care of that little girl

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 20, 2017, 01:48:06 PMperfection was boring.  so, if i had a run in my nylon or something, i'd just tell myself that it was a flaw that kept me from being boring, and that developed into the belief that i was perfectly flawed.  my inner critic turned into an inner excuse maker.

Well I like it ... and I think you may need to tell your inner critic where to go.

Quotei lost my humanness because of it,

No you didn't, San.  At least, you're wonderfully human in your posts.

Quotewhen kizzie asked for monitors for the forum, i didn't respond.  i told myself that i was too heartbroken that i couldn't make that commitment

So? I didn't even consider it.

Quotethe fear of leaving the house is that there are too many days when i don't have the energy to put on a smile with people i know, and that's a sign of imperfection.

No, it's a sign of humanness. It's fine to stay in when you're sad. But while you're staying in, you need to be shutting up the inner critic and thinking of all the things that are so right and good (and human) about you. If I can avoid it I don't see people, go out for a walk or even take phone calls when I'm tired or in a bad way, because that involves an acting job. When we give ourselves permission to be Us, it becomes much easier to face the world with confidence.

BTW, I don't enjoy seeing photos of other people's children or grandchildren, being shown through their houses, holding babies etc. I've always politely declined the baby-holding and no one's produced a wad of photos recently. I like to think I'll wriggle out of that, too, if/when it happens again.

Quotei left my hub's christmas party early mainly cuz i couldn't take all the stimulation of talking and laughing around me (mostly in spanish where everyone was talking at the same time so i couldn't understand anything) but also because i can't stand his bosses, couldn't bear to be in the same room with them another minute cuz i couldn't trust myself not to say something nasty to them.

I'd have been out of there, too. It doesn't make you a weirdo. At the Christmas party for H's swim group I sat on the first chair I came to and he kept an eye on my glass to keep topping it up. A few people came over and introduced themselves and I was okay enough to smile and be polite, but I asked no questions myself and didn't go looking for anyone to talk to. Come to think of it, I was just myself there... morose, perhaps. Or withdrawn. Odd thing is one couple have since invited us to their home saying they want to know me better.

It's okay to be you. It's okay to be you. It's okay to be you. It's okay to be you. It's okay to be you. It's okay to be you.

I wonder if you've ever seen the British sitcom Doc Martin?  The village doctor says exactly what he thinks, including insults, and doesn't do small talk. If people talk too long he tells them to shut up, or turns mid-sentence and marches away. I admire that!

Quotei can't stand his family, who lives next door, wanting to borrow something, so i do the hard thing and say no to them all the time,

Yes, that's the hard thing. Do you give yourself credit for doing the hard thing, and the right thing (to protect your belongings), instead of feeling bad about it? Why do the sentiments of these light-fingered family members matter more than yours?

I was my own worst enemy for far too long and I know how hard it is to have a single moment of unalloyed joy when we're constantly finding fault with ourselves. Makes me think of something Louise Hay wrote in You Can Heal Your Life: "When you learn to love yourself. it's as if little miracles are everywhere."

dsu, yes, i'm realizing just in these past few days how very exhausting this has been for me, making the connection to my continually being tired to the fact that i've been working at this for so long.   and, you're very right - as horrible at some levels as these past few days have been, finally feeling these emotions is a victory, finally making this connection to my self-perfectionism is what is allowing me, even as i write to be more in touch with the humanness of me, even the inner critic is ok for now, glad to make his acquaintance finally, and even the neg. stuff is all something that i'm glad of.  they were so covered up (yet so disturbing at the same time) that i didn't know what was bothering me, what i was feeling, what it meant, nothing on a conscious level. 

that's where my using and eating came in.  the distress from the disturbance was too much, i drank, smoked, drugged it away, or buried it under food.   as i continue to sit with this, to notice all these parts of me i hadn't known before, the pieces will fall into place.  i'm not worried about the inner critic right now, just getting to know him a little, but he's not going to bother me much, i don't think.  i haven't been able to relate to people posting about their inner critics - now i know what they're talking about, how it feels.  my excuse-maker (morphed is a great concept on that, by the by) was protecting me, and i'm grateful for that, for her.  yeah, she's female, inner critic is male.  she's been me taking care of my little me all this time.     thank you so much for your care and concern, dsu.  what a tremendous ally you are.

candid, what has happened to me in these past few days was the shattering of a core belief system for me.  it's like i've been encumbered by an ironclad cloak of having to continually strive for self-perfection and reading that passage from 3 roses, looking up more about it thru pete's web pages, helped me with the horrendous job of shedding that cloak.

i know all the logic about berating oneself, and like i said, that inner critic was silenced so that i could survive emotionally.  to have a peek at him now does not bother me - i haven't known of his existence before this weekend.  my excuse maker was my protector - she kept me sane, and i'm so happy she was there for me.

all these things i'm writing about this past 24 hrs. are all from the inner sanctum of that choking cloak.  the shame of not being able to commit to being a monitor came from there.  i'm a therapist, i'm a helper, my job is to help others, and, in this instance, i only just realized that the shame (which i couldn't feel at the time, just something disturbing, but i didn't know for sure what it was, so i guessed and came up with 'heartbroken') was simply connected to that cloak.

a perfect therapist, which i ascribed to being, a perfect member of this community, which i also ascribed to being and who would give back whenever called upon, under these 2 umbrellas, was shame about not being perfect in either role.  that's what was really heartbreaking to me.  in the context of the cloak, i was failing at both those roles.  in reality, i was just taking care of me.

my body and my emotions are not in a place to make that commitment, and i know, logically, there's nothing wrong with that, and that i'm not expected to do so, but the perfectionist only projected that i wasn't up to doing my job, and i should be ashamed of myself for that.  and the breakthrough happened, and i felt shame, loud and clear, for the first time in i can't remember how long.  and that's a good thing cuz it means that my human self is appearing in all her glory, warts and all.  and i know i, as a human being, have nothing to be ashamed about that.  the perfectionist did, tho. 

so, i'm in the process of gathering all these pieces together, and beginning to make sense of who i've been and why.  it was hard to know even that sentence for 2 days.  breaking down a core belief is something that is usually done in therapy, with someone to guide you through all the fears of the unknown as the parts of that belief are being destroyed and a brand new baby bird is being birthed.  like the phoenix rising out of the ashes of its former self.   that's what this feels like.

it's gonna take a period of adjustment, but i feel different in a good way, at least a little bit.  an awful lot of stress, tho, and i've been running to the john today - didn't expect it, but glad i had no where to be.  it would've been pretty crappy!  a combo of stress, meds, will do this to me.  even eating too much of the wrong food, which sometimes is veggies or fruits - too much fiber, i guess.  i can't predict anymore, and that's why i'm glad i don't have to be anywhere on a regular basis anymore.  but, i don't feel so scared right now, feel safer.  just going thru part of this recovery/healing process.  it can be bumpy sometimes.

thanks to you all for the love, caring, and kindness you've shown me, and all the support.  such wonderful support.  even my hub was able to step up and gather me in when i was so distressed about this the other day.  i don't know that a therapist could have done any better.  moving forward!

San-I too suffer from perfectionism.  Sounds like you decided very, very early, that if you were perfect you wouldn't be abandoned.

That inner critic was there all along even if you were able to ignore it for awhile. (My inner critic is most definitely male too)  Perfectionism is so exhausting, like you say.  For me it was driving me to do things like hike for hours until my body literally was breaking down and I had to go to the emergency room I was in so much pain.  When we ignored our inner critic by abusing substances or overworking or overpleasing other people we disconnected from our real selves. Operating on an unconscious level, going through life without using our full selves with access to our full emotions caused us to be abused.  Our drive to protect ourselves from pain just led to more pain. 

Quoteit was all about reaching that non-existent goal that my parents set for me, esp. my dad, of the unrealistic expectations he held out for me to constantly fail to reach.   i lost my humanness because of it, and i've been working hard to get it back now, because it has nearly destroyed my body by not being able to recognize those emotions that weren't allowed, so they got stuffed into my very cells.

I can so so relate to this.  I could have been President of the U.S. and won the Nobel Peace Prize and run a 3 hour marathon and my dad would never have blinked an eye.  Nothing I did was ever or will ever be good enough for him.  I too feel like my emotions have been "stuffed into my very cells."  And now they are seeping out everywhere and its ugly and messy.

I like what you said about being glad you are getting in touch with your humanness.  I think that's the key to this whole thing.  You are embracing this process.  So brave of you to do. 

Quotethat's where shame resides - in the darkest hiding places.  well, i just brought it into the light now, so it can wither and die.

That's what we need to do.  Though it is extremely hard.  It goes back to being human.  Embracing our humanness.

thanks, jd.  i can really relate to what you said about being pres., etc., and it wouldn't be acknowledged.  i've gone thru my life in my mind, every accomplishment i'd say to myself 'dad would be proud of this', but it never helped.  how the lack of those 4 words 'i'm proud of you' would have made all the difference.  wow!  it really is a mind-boggler!

my brother's told me that my dad was proud of me, he'd talk about what i'd done to others, hold me up as an example for my sibs to emulate.  i told my bro that i felt bad that happened.  i don't like that idea at all.  that may be part of why my sister ended up so mad at me that she's refused to talk to me for over 20 yrs.  no hope of that ever getting resolved, but she was a bully when we were young, so i'm all right with that.

i agree with you about being disconnected from our real selves.  this breakthrough makes it feel different.  finally.  it was a big, huge piece to be looked at, admitted to, and accepted, and completely sent me into a tailspin for a few days. 

embracing our humanness - exactly.  thanks for this - it helps me feel not alone in this struggle, and that helps a lot.  again, a conscious feeling of a connection to someone else at a visceral level that i haven't really been aware of before. 

i'm curious - how have you dealt with this?  sudden breakthrough or a gradual awakening or what?  just looking for another perspective on how to proceed from here.  it's a new country, so to speak, and i don't really know the rules or the language.  maybe just stumble along for awhile, i don't know.   big hug.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 21, 2017, 03:36:40 AMevery accomplishment i'd say to myself 'dad would be proud of this', but it never helped.  how the lack of those 4 words 'i'm proud of you' would have made all the difference. 

Are you proud of your achievements, San? I haven't put myself out nearly as much as you have, but I'm still um... pleased with the few things I've managed to do in my life, despite nary a word of encouragement from mother. Self-validation is the best kind; without it, no one else's approval is worth a cracker.

Quotemy brother's told me that my dad was proud of me, he'd talk about what i'd done to others

Unknown to me, my father kept a stack of cuttings from my early days in journalism and showed them to visitors. He didn't say anything to me because he had a horror of children getting "big-headed".  :doh:

Quotei'm curious - how have you dealt with this?  sudden breakthrough or a gradual awakening or what?

I think its been gradual, maybe in the last three months or so.  On a surface level I knew things.  I knew I was a  perfectionist, I just didn't know it was an attempt to hide from shame.  A therapist once told me my dad was a narcissist but I never knew what a narcissist does to people (like project self hatred onto you). I knew I had trouble with friendships but didn't know it was shame and fear of being vulnerable.  I knew I had a difficult upbringing but never knew I was very, very wounded from it.  I knew I was suffering from depression but didn't know I was turning rage against myself. 

So many little realizations about so many different things. 

QuoteI haven't put myself out nearly as much as you have, but I'm still um... pleased with the few things I've managed to do in my life, despite nary a word of encouragement from mother. Self-validation is the best kind; without it, no one else's approval is worth a cracker.

That's so great Candid.  I decided today that since I have been so focused on figuring out why I made all these negative choices in my life, I am going to write in my journal about all the things I have to be proud of. 

hey, candid,

ya know - i am frickin' proud of all i've accomplished!  as of today, as of your question, yes.  i've done an awful lot in and with my life, and i feel like i just banished my father from that scenario.  you're so right - his pride in me doesn't matter anymore.  thank you so much for that.

my mom once told me that she never said anything about my sister and i being pretty cuz she didn't want to seem like she was bragging.  i spent so much time and energy looking for people to acknowledge that i was, indeed, pretty.  i even made up a line for myself that i'd tell people (mostly guys) that i was one of the prettiest people i knew.  if i wasn't getting it from somewhere else, i'd give it to myself.

i've had a great life in so many ways, learned so much, laughed so much, experienced so much, did so much, accomplished dreams, some of which i'd held onto for 30 yrs.   i feel so much lighter today.  started putting my jewelry back on - i used to wear necklaces, beads, pendants, bracelets, 4 different earrings, rings.  i was and still am a hippie chick at heart.  free spirit.  i'm reclaiming my soul. 

this is the beginning.  i feel the healing happening.  thank you, candid, for all you've said, all your support.  wow!  so great.

jd, thanks for that.  i think i knew some things, like you said, on a surface level, but most of it has been subconscious.  3 roses' passage knocked the snot outta me about it all in one swell foop!!!  it made for a really rough couple of days, but i truly feel better today. 

i, too, started all this by becoming aware that my ex was a narc.  it snowballed from there, and i've been able to recognize several people of that persona in my life, as well as several misogynists.  all that hate and anger/rage!  wow!  i'm thankful i've lived long enough to find this out instead of dying in abstract confusion.  to my mind, it's better to know. 

this is life-changing.  thank you god, thank you all you good people here. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 21, 2017, 04:51:17 PMmy mom once told me that she never said anything about my sister and i being pretty cuz she didn't want to seem like she was bragging.

I was the beauty of two pretty sisters; the magazine company I worked for used to use me as a model. My dad praised my looks many times, and one of my many therapists suggested I had Snow White Syndrome, ie. that mother wanted to kill me when I reached adolescence. I know it started much earlier than that, although mother in her one fauxpology said: "Perhaps I was jealous of you, you were so beautiful." Ugh. Shoulda said: "I still am."

Quotei spent so much time and energy looking for people to acknowledge that i was, indeed, pretty.  i even made up a line for myself that i'd tell people (mostly guys) that i was one of the prettiest people i knew.  if i wasn't getting it from somewhere else, i'd give it to myself.

That's what I'm doing now, about all my :cough: accomplishments. The biggest of them is having gone it alone all these years, and not topping myself in the darkest times. We're survivors!

Quotei've had a great life in so many ways, learned so much, laughed so much, experienced so much, did so much, accomplished dreams, some of which i'd held onto for 30 yrs.

Me too! 

Quotei feel so much lighter today.  started putting my jewelry back on - i used to wear necklaces, beads, pendants, bracelets, 4 different earrings, rings.  i was and still am a hippie chick at heart.  free spirit.  i'm reclaiming my soul. 

this is the beginning.  i feel the healing happening.

Great stuff! Hooray for us!  :cheer: :cheer:

You know what else? The rage I've felt towards mother all these years is slowly turning into pity. She obviously couldn't help herself, was one sick woman. You can't make yourself love someone, can you? Even when it's one of your own children.

we are survivors, in so many ways, on so many levels.  hooray for us, indeed!!!

searching for that validation for our looks is so much the pits.  i've posted before about how i've known some really 'pretty' people, but their personalities were so shallow and bent that the more i got to know them, the uglier (really!) they got.  and the opposite was true, too.  those people i've known who are beautiful within (kind, caring, loving), well, their beauty has shown through time and time again.  funny i never made that connection for myself.

why 'cough' about your accomplishments?  aren't you feeling the satisfied pride about them?  we deserve to, i believe.  we worked hard, we earned it.  not the overbearing pride, the arrogant pride, but the content pride, the knowledge that we did something because of our determination, perseverance, and plain ol' hard work.  like you've said, self-validation is best.  i'd been searching for that outer pride (from my dad), it's time i took that out of his hands and nurtured it in my own. 

i'm beginning to lose some of my hate for my ex as well.  never thought that would happen.  it just doesn't feel so rampant within me anymore.

so, yes, once again, hooray for us!!!  we're getting there.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 22, 2017, 01:24:42 PMwhy 'cough' about your accomplishments?  aren't you feeling the satisfied pride about them? 

LOL, oops! and thank you, San! I reminded you, then you reminded me. We may need  to give each other another nudge from time to time.

Quotenot the overbearing pride, the arrogant pride, but the content pride, the knowledge that we did something because of our determination, perseverance, and plain ol' hard work.

Yes. Without family support from the year dot, I can truly say: "And I did it all by myself."

Quotei'm beginning to lose some of my hate for my ex as well.  never thought that would happen.  it just doesn't feel so rampant within me anymore.

It's very liberating, isn't it? I don't think I hated my mother at any stage, but I was filled with rage at how she'd trashed my self-esteem, with all self-hatred's ghastly follow-ons. Now I think psssht, she couldn't help it. For whatever reason she needed a scapegoat, and I drew the short straw.

I agree with you about beautiful and not-so-beautiful people. Lets me off the hook because I always believed I was nothing but a pretty face, and I can now see that my face combined with my self-isolating tendencies was what kept the longed-for women friends at a wary distance. Naturally I thought I must have an ugly personality, and that was why they didn't want me in their crowd.

Now my face is well past it's adore-by date, I feel much stronger inside and more prepared to be one of the gang. I haven't got Some Horrible Thing in me that everyone can see at 50 paces; in fact I've been too nice (fawner/groveller) for way too long. It's time to start standing up and standing out!

i just finished a screaming/crying session in the shower.  earlier today i was reading over the results from the eye doc i saw earlier this month, and i noticed a notation that i have a cataract starting on top of this gucking glaucoma.  i don't know what the frick else to do anymore, i'm  crumbling to pieces and there isn't enough of me to deal with all this.  god, give me strength to get through this day.  please, i need help.

 :hug:   :hug:

I believe cataracts can be removed once they're big enough to get hold of. Keep on keeping on, San; your spirit is big enough and strong enough to deal with it all.

:bighug:

My dad is around your age and had cataracts removed from both eyes. He was frustrated about it for months but ended up with improved eyesight after the surgery. I can tell you're frustrated too, and maybe a little scared. I'm the last person to be giving advise on aging, so I'll keep it short. Let yourself cry and scream. Get those emotions out and then accept that your body is what it is. It's carried you this far and will continue to do so for years to come, San. Be gentle with it, and with yourself :hug:

thanks, everyone.

i went back over the notes, discovered that a retina is detaching as well.  looked all this up, it can all be caused by stress and inflammation, of which i've had plenty of problems because of each/both.  if not for the stress/trauma, i don't think i'd be having these problems.  that's what's truly frustrating.  working so hard to eliminate all that gunk, and i'm getting worse physically instead of better.  what's the point anymore!!!  those frickin' batards!  ok, some anger.  good.  otherwise i'm just kinda numb today, trying to keep my head above water.  you're all wonderful. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 23, 2017, 10:18:32 PMif not for the stress/trauma, i don't think i'd be having these problems. 

I'm with you. I hold mother responsible for my vision problems, my addictions, and pretty much everything that's gone so wrong for me.

Quotethose frickin' batards!  ok, some anger.  good.  otherwise i'm just kinda numb today, trying to keep my head above water.

Anger's a step up from sadness, isn't it? Are you a pillow-pounder? I'm not, but I find a good stamp around the room ranting at mother and her flying monkeys can have me laughing at the end.

:heythere:

thank you, everyone, for you care and concern.  you have gotten me out of dark places more than once.

i know about cataracts being able to be removed (i had a fleeting picture of me being an old woman with those white films over her eyeballs - ugh!), and even know about retinal surgery - my hub just had it done a few months ago.  yes, i am kinda scared about them working on my eyes here.  i don't trust the healthcare, doctor care here too much.  too many times i've had to educate the docs on what's going on with me, even regarding the lyme's disease i had and the treatment i needed.   they're just not very competent at times, not even very caring (altho i hear that's quite common everywhere).

what i'm angry about is that this is even happening.  (yes, i bang my bed regularly, make lots of noise, lots of cussing and yelling to get it out of me).  i didn't feel sad, but that might be my alexithymia.  i just felt deadened.  with all the work i've done to help my brain function better, to help heal my brain and body from the ravages of the beast, i expected that i'd be showing improvement physically (like i've done emotionally).  instead, it's getting worse, and my eyesight is on the line. 

first glaucoma, now cataracts and retinal detaching on top of that!  again, how much can my eyes take without just shutting down?  becoming blind is one thing all in itself, but . . .  i don't even want to go there right now.  too devastating. 

so, i'll just mosey from day to day right now.  to think about my eyes puts kind of a rush on things.  like the novel i'm in the process of re-writing that my daughter is looking at to possibly publish.  the quilt i've started, the embroidery i want to put on my denim bag.  all these little projects that i've started feeling good enough to get back into - i just don't want them to come to a screeching halt.  that's a sad feeling right there.   that's good.

had a major realization today about my eyes.  the body keeps the score, indeed!

for most of my adult life, if i let the smiling and laughter dwindle, was just looking 'regular' (that's what i thought, anyway) i can't even say how many times people would ask me why i was so sad, told me that i had very sad eyes.

today, doing some breathing, it struck me!  while i thought i was sad for everyone/everything else but, again, not allowed to show it, i held it in my eyes for the world to see.  i thought i was hiding it, but no such thing.   and, the sadness i was holding was for me.

i have been sad for myself for nearly all my life, i know that now.  i was this sparkly little girl, and they stifled that sparkle from day one, especially my dad.  that sparkly spirit stayed alive within me, but the real me was being chipped away.  even that wounding as the doc pulled me out of my mother with some metal tongs nearly took my left eye out.  the scar is very, very close to it, nearly an inch long.

i've cried and cried and cried through and for so much, was able to connect some of it with losses of what i'd never had, always wanted, wasn't allowed, but this sadness is concretely linked to me, to my very self.  i've been sad for me since before i was born!  i only just realized it now.  how sad is that!

no wonder feeling sorry for myself would just slip through every so often.  the sadness for me just wouldn't be contained but would spill over.   i couldn't help it.  no wonder i rankled at the words 'self-pity' or 'pity party' (which i heard a lot at 12-step meetings).  i was so very, profoundly sad for what had been done to me - they wanted to erase me!

and now my eyes are paying the price for having held all that sadness for so long.  my poor darling eyes that did their best to protect me from being mocked by my dad (geez, i can't even talk to you, and the waterworks start)  when i was distressed because i'd displeased him.  mocked by my sister and friends for crying at movies.  mocked by my daughters who would always check at some event we were at to see if i was crying (i usually was), mocked by adult friends (the tears are running down my face now).

it was accepted by my ex and kids that i would cry at everything that brought forth any kind of emotion.  it was the only emotional expression i let out on a regular basis.    even my hub told me the other night that in the beginning, up to just a bit ago, he'd be angry at me for crying all the time.  he's not anymore, now knows that it's a sign of distress, and has even learned to gather me in.  thank you, god.

and now my dear younger daughter hands me tissue when we're in any way going to be involved in something emotional.  we sat together at the newest 'star wars' movie, and i blubbered thru the whole thing cuz to me it was so cool to see all the old characters, ships, etc. back again.  she just held my hand and gave me tissues.  it was so kind and caring, and i was even crying because of that as well.

o, my poor eyes!  they tried so hard for me, and now they're breaking down from the pressure - ! ! ! glaucoma is the increase of pressure in the fluid of the eyeball.  o dear god, this is so terrible!  it all fits together!  they couldn't withstand the pressure of holding all that sadness for me, and i didn't know enough to get it out for what it was meant for. 

dammit!!!  they couldn't kill my spirit but they're killing me piece by piece.  please, as scary as it might be, i want everyone else to take a lesson from this and get those frickin' emotions out of you!!!  they will kill you if you don't!!!   i don't want you to end up like me.  i've told this to my daughter several times - she has a hard time with them as well. 

feel sorry for yourself as much as you need to.  i'm going to revel in it from here on, but this time the sadness has a focus, and it's not on anyone else right now.  might be too little too late, but i guess i'll take that as it comes.  dang, i hate this crapola!!!

candid, i think the unfreezing process is just that, a process, and it may be bumpy going at times.  i've had to be open to feeling all the feelings a human possesses, the 'feel good' ones, as well as the ones that don't feel so good, like the shame, the humility, the inner critic putdowns, the insecurity from anxiety, etc.  one thing that kept me going was knowing that each feeling, each emotion i could consciously feel was a triumph of re-wiring my brain, no matter how bad it felt.

if you're ready for that, then you've already begun the process.  if you're looking to feel, to melt the numbness, to become whole again, you've taken a step to doing all those.  what's been helpful to me is to be more still and focused on myself, especially bodily sensations.  i used mindful breathing for that.

just focusing on my breathing, well, i'm not very good at remaining focused for any period of time, and my mind would wander, think of other things.  on these occasions, at times, i would feel something somewhere in my body that i'd probably ignored in the past.  the first one of these was a tightening in my chest. 

i reflected on that and finally connected it to the feeling of fear.  this, then, led me to reflect on what i was feeling afraid of and why, and i just kept following the trail till i got my questions answered.  only then was i able to tackle that particular problem and put it to rest, but the main thing was being able to finally feel afraid.

with anger, i went at it a different way.  i knew, logically, that i had a lot of anger within me, but it was difficult to access it immediately.  when i first began with anger, we're talking years and years of unexpressed anger (i was so very patient with everyone and everything they did to me), i couldn't actually feel it, but i knew it had to be there.

i began with writing, keeping an anger journal, so to speak, with nothing but anger inside it.  i just started writing what i thought i was supposed to be feeling, how it was supposed to feel, what i would say if i actually felt it.  it really was a 'fake it till you make it' kind of scenario.  eventually, the anger began being released on its own, and i was able to begin getting it out.

anger has come in layers for me.  very old anger, deeper anger, more recent anger.  old and deeper where written and/or drawn about - and i knew it was important not to edit myself.  i plowed through all those messages about what a mom shouldn't say about her daughter, what a person shouldn't say or think about another person, all that, and just let it flow from my mind thru my arm and out my hand. 

sometimes it was words, sentences, phrases, cussing, but sometimes it was visceral scribbles, jagged lines, even stabbing the page.  it didn't matter what form it took, just so long as i was getting it out.  i would feel a good kind of tired after a round of that.  it was never tears, tho.  i wasn't sad, i was mad.  i know a lot of us cry when we're angry, but i think it's cuz we're taught that true anger isn't ok, so we kind of soften it up with tears.  or we're scared to be angry.

the more recent realizations that have brought anger are now victims of pounding my bed, yelling, swearing, doing something physical and making noise (children should be seen and not heard - bullpucky!)  my anger is coming to the fore more quickly now than ever before.  another triumph.

and so it has gone with the rest of these emotions that have been locked away for so long that i didn't even realize were there.  they've been locked in our bodies, where they continue to hurt us, so we have to do something physical in order to release them.  i've done pressure-point therapy to unlock some of them residing in my muscles - anger, hate, sadness.  now that i have a better handle on my sadness,  i will be able to be more focused now on what my tears mean and why i'm crying in the first place.

for too long i just cried without really knowing why.  i was never angry.  now, when i'm releasing emotions, i think about what and who they belong to, focus the release energy on that.  it's made a great deal of difference in my anger, altho i still have a long way to go.  but i welcome these feelings now, all the emotions no matter how they feel.  i'm able to more easily sit with them at times, just let them be there, and not rush to cover them up, bury them with food, deny them, or push them down or away once more.  that has only been killing me.

best to you, candid, on your own emotion journey.  i wish you well with it.  it's quite an adventure, actually.  not always pleasant, but always rewarding.  big hug to you, too.

my hub and i had a good chat last night.  he's been having problems with his eye as well, had retinal surgery and several injections since, and told me last night that his vision in that eye is worse than it was before the surgery.  don't quite know what to make of that, except that he's becoming more open about what's bothering him, which is a good thing.  he's letting me in a little more, which feels good for our relationship.

i also talked about my realizations for my eyes, and that i've got 3 things going on with them now, and at this moment, until someone begins fixing things, i'm headed toward blindness.  not a pretty thought, maybe dramatic, but there it is.  trying to get myself prepared for the worst, if it comes to that.

so, we talked about that, how, if i did go blind, i don't believe i'd stay here, but go live with my daughter and her roommates, if they'd have me, or at least go back to the states, find some home where i could be taken care of.  being very pragmatic about it, very unemotional.  don't have room for emotions yet, except a little fear that it might actually happen.

i told him i'd want to go north because i'd want to be able to feel the seasons, feel the air, smell the differences as the year goes on, smell the flowers up there.  we don't have any of that here.  i'd want to be able to exercise my other senses other than hot and cold, and the smell of the burning at the dump or the rotting fish people throw out beneath our window.  touch the grass, the trees, the petals, hear the bees and songbirds that we don't have here.  no grass, and cactus are dangerous to touch, while flowers aren't around enough to smell.

it was good to talk about it, let him know my thoughts and feelings about it.  i don't feel like it was a doomsday discussion or anything, more like making a will just to have things thought out and in place.   he understood.  he'd said once that if i ever went blind he'd be my 'dog', meaning it in the best of ways.  but, he already works 12-hr. days, 7 days a week.  to have him make food for me, do all the errands, get me to the doc every month just seems like, altho he's more than willing, it would run him ragged in a very short amount of time.

because of his polio (he's on crutches since he's been 6) we've talked before about these types of scenarios.  neither one of us would be able to help the other if it came to not being able to bathe or go to the bathroom - neither of us could lift the other, and we don't have money to hire someone, there are no 'homes' where we could go.  we don't dwell on it, but it's good to know we have a plan and are being realistic about such things.  we'd certainly do what we could as long as we could to stay together.

with all this new stuff happening, i think we needed to reassure each other that we'd still be together even if we had to be apart.  that does feel good.  that would be another layer of sadness, tho, and it's sad just to think that it may be a real thing for us.  hopefully not.  we'll keep working to keep anything like that at bay, fight on!  i wish there was an emoji for a fist in the air.  i'd definitely use that one a lot!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 26, 2017, 11:02:36 AMone thing that kept me going was knowing that each feeling, each emotion i could consciously feel was a triumph of re-wiring my brain, no matter how bad it felt.

I hear you now, thanks. For the longest time I've been aware when I'm feeling bad (hard to miss) but never thought to explore whether it's anger, grief or fear; just get on the internet (dissociating) or turned to other addictions such as smoking and drinking, (more of the same and all of them harmful to our beautiful peepers).   

Quotewhat's been helpful to me is to be more still and focused on myself, especially bodily sensations.  i used mindful breathing for that.

So you deliberately create a space to feel what you're feeling? I thought it would be enough to acknowledge the 'bad' feelings as they arise -- not that I've done much of that. A few years ago I was in a therapy group where the co-ordinator kept saying "name it to tame it". Only recently have I seen the value of that. Slow learner, me. Another of her slogans was "neurons that fire together wire together", and I know that was about changes to the brain.

Thanks for the how-to. Anger is the toughest one for me, probably for most of us because it was actively punished or ridiculed by 'caregivers'. I have a couple of monstrous unfairnesses from mother (of course from mother) that have been rankling lately. I never called her out on them. Hmm, just thought of a post for another thread of mine.

Quotei just started writing what i thought i was supposed to be feeling, how it was supposed to feel, what i would say if i actually felt it.  it really was a 'fake it till you make it' kind of scenario.  eventually, the anger began being released on its own, and i was able to begin getting it out.

Another one of those handy rhyming slogans!

Quotemy anger is coming to the fore more quickly now than ever before.  another triumph.

:cheer:

Quotefor too long i just cried without really knowing why.  i was never angry.

Yes, sadness comes first because it's less unacceptable than anger. I felt sad pretty much all the time until I began to think of things mother had said and done. Then the grief was mixed with bewilderment that she could have behaved like that, and lots of very toxic self-blame came in. Now, long after NC, I'm outraged at those couple of things.

BTW, I deleted my previous post here because I thought it was too much about me, when you're suffering so much right now. I don't pray as such, but I thought of you last night and wished you well. You've given me so much help from the first day I posted here.

:bighug:

I've just seen your last post and remembered you're in Mexico. Is your H anywhere near ready to retire? I so hope you won't have to live apart. xx

Quotei was this sparkly little girl, and they stifled that sparkle from day one, especially my dad.  That sparkly spirit stayed alive within me, but the real me was being chipped away.

This made me cry san; thinking about the sparkly little girl that you were and the wounds inflicted on her.

Quotei was so very, profoundly sad for what had been done to me - they wanted to erase me!

I hear you san, I feel the same.

Quoteand now my eyes are paying the price for having held all that sadness for so long.  my poor darling eyes that did their best to protect me from being mocked by my dad (geez, i can't even talk to you, and the waterworks start)  when i was distressed because i'd displeased him.  mocked by my sister and friends for crying at movies.  mocked by my daughters who would always check at some event we were at to see if i was crying (i usually was), mocked by adult friends (the tears are running down my face now).

You've carried so much pain for so long san.  I am so sorry!  No one validated you.

Quotehe's not anymore, now knows that it's a sign of distress, and has even learned to gather me in.  thank you, god.

I am so glad san, you should get that validation now and forever more.  I am so glad you two have come together in your grief.

Quoteand now my dear younger daughter hands me tissue when we're in any way going to be involved in something emotional.

Oh, I am so happy that you have such a wonderful daughter.  How precious your relationship must be!

Quoteplease, as scary as it might be, i want everyone else to take a lesson from this and get those frickin' emotions out of you!!!  they will kill you if you don't!!! 

I hear you san.  I am so sorry that you are going through this.  You are such a blessing to everyone on this forum.  You are such a wonderful spirit.  I want you to know how much you've helped me.

Quotei began with writing, keeping an anger journal, so to speak, with nothing but anger inside it.  i just started writing what i thought i was supposed to be feeling, how it was supposed to feel, what i would say if i actually felt it.  it really was a 'fake it till you make it' kind of scenario.  eventually, the anger began being released on its own, and i was able to begin getting it out.

This is what I need to do.  I remember when on my recovery journal I spewed out all this stuff about how my father was evil, the devil, and just all kinds of nasty stuff.  Then I read the guidelines and it says don't dehumanize your perpetrator and insult them etc.  I am was like oops. (The administrators must not have noticed) So maybe I need my own anger journal.  Awhile ago I got a punching bag and yesterday I finally got the gloves and filled the base of the punching bag with water, so its ready to go.

Quotemy anger is coming to the fore more quickly now than ever before.  another triumph.

Quotei'm able to more easily sit with them at times, just let them be there, and not rush to cover them up, bury them with food, deny them, or push them down or away once more.

You are an inspiration.  This is so difficult and so brave to do.

Quoteit was good to talk about it, let him know my thoughts and feelings about it.

So glad you have this support.  You also have the support of people here.   :hug:

thank you all for your kind words and caring.  i'm sick now from all this stress, my legs aren't working again quite right, and i can't do too much today but watch tennis, maybe play some games.  yesterday was not good.  little better today, but i still need to take a break.  love to you all.

by the by, my hub is mexican, doesn't have papers, so can't cross the border.  and, in mex, the retirement age has recently been raised to 70, and there is no pension/soc. sec. here from the gov't.  people here are basically on their own all their lives.  part of the idea of having big families is so that there will be someone to take care of you when you get too old to care for yourself.  no gov't relief or housing for seniors, either.  this is a culture of poverty that has smacked me in the face for how uncaring and difficult it is to live.

Oh gosh...I had no idea it was so hard for the elderly and/or sick to get care in Mexico. And to think we want to make it harder for those people to get papers....Sadly, there's nothing you can do about that situation. Try to focus on the things you can change. Maybe you could look for a better hospital? Look online for what people have to say about the medical staff and try to find a doctor who actually knows what they're doing (so not the one your husband went to). I can't say much else but I'm here with you and I hope you find relief from the stress.

getting my ducks in a row for tomorrow's dr. appt.  it's my last shot - i just don't have the energy anymore to do more than get through one day, then another.  i've gathered all my info on everything that's bothering me, all the different ways i'm sick, both body and brain.  we'll see what he does with it.  if he cares, if he's a healer at heart, he'll want to look into everything in more detail.  if he's just there to collect his paycheck, i'll come home and never see him again.  day to day, give me strength. 

and, last night i had it out with my hub about his outbursts toward me when i ask him a question and he doesn't want to answer it cuz he's tired or frustrated or something.  told him he's now the most stressful person in my life, and i'm not having it anymore.  he attacks me, as if i'm trying to cage him or hurt him or take advantage of him emotionally -  too much time on the streets that he hasn't left behind, or it happened with his ex, or w/ his mom and dad.  i don't know, but i've had it.  he'll be o so wonderful, gather me in, we'll have in depth conversations about all this, i'm feeling like we're continuing to get much closer, then wham!  out of the blue, i ask 'why' he's going to do something and the other night i got 'why?  do i have to report every little thing i'm doing to you?'  or, there's something about his face/eyes that tells me something's not quite right, and i'll ask what's wrong and wham! 'why does something have to be wrong? don't tell me how i feel!'

so, i told him last night that he's pulling me closer, then he does something like that and pushes me away.  i have an idea what's going on with him - fear of intimacy, that kind of thing, plus being vulnerable on the streets gets you hurt - and that now i'm distanced, don't feel safe asking questions anymore cuz i don't want this in my life.  he went to a meeting, but never talked about it when he got home and for a change, i didn't ask. 

when we talked about the 'report to me' statement, he apologized, said it was a stupid word, wrong choice of words.  i told him it wasn't stupid, it was exactly what he was feeling cuz he has a perception of me that he hasn't let go of in 15 yrs.   i don't know if this can be fixed anymore, and i'm tired of trying.

i don't trust him, and i feel bad about that.  gotta protect myself.  he'll still do all these errands and stuff for me, but, like i told him, questions are what help people get closer, so to cut out the questions keeps the distance.  i don't like it, don't know what else to do.  opinions are always welcome.   

i wish i could do more on this forum, but right now i'm pretty much depleted.  have to do paperwork today for the appt. tomorrow, take a shower, and i'm still highlighting the high points in what i've written out for the doc.  i'm pushing myself to get this done, to go thru with this tomorrow - it'll be an all day trip, and my hub and i don't do well traveling together cuz he's always telling me what to do and not do and i get pissed and we always end up in a big fight - more stress! 

but, it's gotta be done, it's my last chance, my last shot to see if someone will help me, and i don't doubt it'll knock me out for a few weeks after.  i just wanted to touch base here.  i'm all out and all in at the same time.

You take care of you right now, San. That's a full-time job with unexpected overtime lately.

Just know we're here. Many of us love you and we're standing beside you.

My hands are glowing to have the chance to lay on your shoulders and course healing warmth through them to your whole being. They do that when I want to physically help someone. And I certainly want to help you, my friend.  :hug:

Good to hear from you sanmagic, even though you are in a really difficult place right now. I've missed you round the forum. Though of course I knew you were backing out for a bit to look after yourself. Which is totally legit!!

Sending you good thoughts for your doc appointment and ongoing stuff with H.

 :hug:

Lovely San, I was just outside for a smoke and I thought of you, decided to come back in and write a short message on your 'checking out' thread, and here you are! I hope the doctor will truly listen to you and be able to help you.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 06, 2017, 01:07:06 PMi don't trust him, and i feel bad about that.  gotta protect myself.  he'll still do all these errands and stuff for me, but... 

I'm in a similar situation, so no opinions from me on that score, except to protect yourself.

Quoteit's my last chance, my last shot to see if someone will help me, and i don't doubt it'll knock me out for a few weeks after.  i just wanted to touch base here.

I'm so glad you did.  :hug:

Quoteday to day, give me strength. 

Yeah, same here.  :hug:

ok, doc report.  i saw the doc of internal medicine fri.  i ranted and raved, fighting for my life.  it was messy and turbulent (i apologized to her before i left - i was pretty harsh lol!  armored in righteousness and frustration because i've been talking to docs about what's going on with me for over 30 yrs. and no one has helped - except the one guy that finally listened when i told him that i hadn't slept for 20 yrs., he sent me to a sleep clinic which is where it was discovered that i have restless leg syndrome (familiar with that?  most people move their legs about 10x/hr.  mine were moving 19x/hr. which meant that they kept waking me up during the night unbeknownst to me, preventing me from being able to go to the profound deep sleep that we need to feel rested and our brains need to feel nourished) and i got meds to help calm my legs so i could finally sleep.  wow!  what a feeling it was, really, that first night!  i couldn't believe how good it felt to sleep!

being me, i naturally researched rls and that was my first clue that something might be wrong with my actual brain.  it seems that a part of the brain sends out signals to the legs normally, and they are mostly still while we sleep.  with rls, these signals are faulty, and the legs twitch or are uncomfortable to a degree that we feel compelled to move them.  either way, we're not conscious of it during the night, but too much moving makes for broken sleep that we're not aware of.

so, i went into her office with about 30 pages of what's going on with me, including info on c-ptsd, alexithymia, how i can't manage stress - my legs stop functioning properly after a stressful stretch or situation, i can barely walk, just can't make them move the way i want to.  i've been thinking another type of brain disconnect - and pictures of scans of both normal and traumatized brains - what a difference!  where areas of a normal brain are peach-sized, those same areas of a traumatized brain are pea-sized.  also, info on adrenal fatigue and all my lab results, 2 diff. tests, one last july, one last nov., one this year showing how my adrenals aren't functioning correctly (she wants to dismiss this one, most conventional docs don't believe in adrenal fatigue, so i've gotta take the test over so she can see for herself cuz, as she said, it depends on what state i was in at the time i took the test.  ok, whatever.)

anyway, in the end, i got what i wanted.  she told me that since all my tests came back normal (no diabetes, no thyroid problems, no high blood pressure, etc.) that she's thinking there's something wrong neurologically with me.  so, the middle of sept. i'm scheduled to get more comprehensive lab tests done, get a brain scan (yay!!!  i really wanted that!), talk to a shrink (she diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder - which is what c-ptsd is often diagnosed as even in the states), talk to a rheumatologist (she diagnosed me with fibromyalgia) and talk to a dermatologist about the fungal infection, and whatever else little things keep popping up on my skin.

so, the waiting begins.  in the meantime, next month it's back to the ophthamologist to see what needs to be done about my eyes.  all these waiting games suck.  my left eye especially is bothering me, vision is out of whack in it.   when i told christa about all this, she asked if i wanted to see an american doc.  i told her that i had nowhere to stay, and i have no idea how long it would be to get a general doc who takes medicare, get all these tests done cuz i don't know if anyone up there would accept these mexican lab tests, get referrals to specialists, what the wait time would be just to get in to see one, that i'd thought about it and i'm thinking it would take at least a year to get this sorted out and possibly treated up there.  we're talking internal medicine, shrink, rheumatologist, dermatologist, ophthamalogist, brain scans, lab tests - who the * knows if that would even be do-able, what the co-pays are, what the meds might cost, etc.  one part of me thinks the treatment would be better, one part of me knows that i wouldn't be able to afford it (i pay about $500/yr. for this ins. here, and everything is paid for - general docs, specialists, meds, hospital, surgery, the whole nine yard)s.  i just don't think it's feasible.

my hub had retina detachment surgery, they inject a gas bubble into the eyeball which is sposed to push the retina back in place and the body absorbs this bubble and voila!  but, he says that his vision is just as blurry now as it was before the surgery, even tho he's also had 2 shots that were sposed to dissolve what has remained of the bubble (it didn't get absorbed) and he has one more shot to go.  if i end up in that same boat, i won't be able to get a dr. lic. in the states anymore.  i think i'm in denial about what that really means - not being able to drive?  holy *!!!

anyways, that's what i'm looking at now, but at least these things are gonna be looked at properly, and for that i'm so thankful.  in the meantime, she gave me prozac (to calm my mind, said it's running too fast all the time, doesn't shut down), some simulated morphine for the pain, and some med. that works on the brain to try to smooth out what's going on inside.  left and right hemispheres aren't in a smooth communication pattern.  i read that alexithymia produces an inordinate number of connective nerves between right and left, so the communication is more like static  or white noise rather than being clear and understandable.

ok, more than you've ever wanted to know about what's going on with my body and brain.  there we have it.  at least by the time this is all over with, i should have some answers.  that's all i've ever wanted.

we'll see what happens.  glad that's over, now have to play the waiting game.  i'm kinda loopy from these meds right now, gotta give them a few days to settle in. 

thank you and love and hugs to all you wonderful, lovely people here for all your good wishes and support.  you've been a godsend.  i couldn't have gotten this far without you. 

You sound stronger and happier today, San. Not exactly  :cheer:, but more like  :whistling: than  :aaauuugh:

An eye operation is scary, specially if the health system you're in feels dodgy. I often think I'd like to have lasik surgery, but being me I focus on the stories of resultant blindness.  :doh:

Made me laugh, your excitement over getting a brain scan. I'd like one too. My original trauma therapist told me childhood cruelty leaves visible lesions, so I'm sure my originally walnut-shaped brain must look like a pile of soggy and tangled spaghetti by now. I'd like to have something tangible that I can say: "See? See what she did to me?"

 :hug: :hug: :hug:

Sorry you have been so inundated with health problems, all at once.

Know that you have a team of supporters here who are with you in spirit, cheering you on, commiserating with your pain, who value you as you are.

Glad to see you back, even if you are just popping in. :hug: :hug: :hug:

It's a relief to hear that you're being taken seriously. September is a while aways but it's definitely something to look forward to. I'm happy to see you on here again, and I hope that means you're feeling better than before :) I hope your eye treatment goes better than expected!!

you're all so great.  i'll be back here in bits and pieces as i'm able. i've noticed that looking at this screen too long begins to bother my eye.

yeah, candid, finally something tangible is being seen as wrong with me after so long of 'everything's normal, nothing's wrong' kind of messages i've gotten for so long, cuz standard blood tests have shown just that.  that is something that i cheer about.   it's like we KNOW something is wrong, but the docs put so much stock into these standardized tests, and don't explore farther.  it feels so good to finally not be dismissed nor denied.

the fibromyalgia was a surprise.  i don't have burning, shooting pains like i see i the ads for their meds.  most of me feels fine unless a pressure point is pressed.  then, whoa!!!  hurts like dammit!  low back pain is the norm, with me all the time, but otherwise - i'm still thinking it's trapped trauma, but what do i know, right?!

radical, i really have known you all are with me, have brought you to the fore for my peace of mind several times, and it's comforting.  thanks for reiterating my value - i feel the same about every single one of you, just as you are, too.  valid and valuable.  very.   these health problems have been around for decades, but haven't been recognized  so haven't been looked at properly.  of course, i'm an emdr therapist for nearly 30 yrs. and i never heard of c-ptsd or alexithymia so never knew what either i or my clients might have been dealing with.  funny how that works.  but, better late than never.

you're right, dsu, it's a bit of a wait, but it's like the light at the end of the tunnel.  i'm happy to be on here again, even if it's in dribs and drabs for awhile.  i'm still getting used to these meds, coming down from the stress of fri. so i don't know how much i can be here.  but, it'll get better with time.  i missed this place and all of you.  you are part of my family of choice now. 

thanks for listening, for being with me.  lovin' all these hugs, and right back at all of you.  wife2 and 3 roses, you're included in this.  if there's someone i forgot, please forgive me.  loopy still.  love you all, you wonderful, wonderful people.   muah!!!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 09, 2017, 07:29:18 PM
you are part of my family of choice now. 

I hear you, sister! :bighug:

ooooh, jd and blueberry, my memory lost you for a minute, but i didn't.  thank you both for your warmth and caring. 

i'm cutting down on my meds today - i don't need the pain med (it didn't make that much difference anyway) and the brain med made me uncoordinated - i was walking and talking like a robot!  jerky movements and slow going. also, i was tensing up during the day - i'd suddenly realize my back was arched or i was holding my head/neck at an odd angle.  this med, at certain doses, is used for epilepsy, and it was feeling like my muscles were seizing up a few times during the day.  quite the opposite result than what i'd expected.  i thought i should be feeling like a wet noodle rather than tense.  talked w/ my hub about it, cuz i don't wanna make med decisions on my own, want to make sure to keep him in the loop on that so i always have a second opinion.

so, today i will take no pain med, 1 brain med, and keep the prozac for now to see what that does.  i think it takes a bit longer for results.   in the meantime, i want to stay in touch here again as much as possible (till my eye goes wonky) and keep up with my writing.  i had a good day of rest yesterday and feel better today.  i'm pretty sure part of that is cuz of the light at the end of the tunnel after fri.   that lifted my spirit considerably.

onward with recovery.  it feels like some things are simply clicking into place and i'm feeling more comfortable being me.  i don't feel the urgency to work work work to improve myself right now, to fix myself right now, and those obsessive thoughts are lessening somewhat.   just feel more relaxed about issues and don't really want to focus on the neg. so much right now as much as getting my eating back to a more sane place and getting back to my writing.  looking forward more than backward, i think, which feels different, but good.  i feel safer somehow.  more here.  hard to explain, but i like it.  yay!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 10, 2017, 12:06:53 PMit feels like some things are simply clicking into place and i'm feeling more comfortable being me.  i don't feel the urgency to work work work to improve myself right now, to fix myself right now, and those obsessive thoughts are lessening somewhat.   just feel more relaxed about issues and don't really want to focus on the neg. so much right now...
i feel safer somehow.  more here.  hard to explain, but i like it.  yay!

:party: Yay, indeed! :yourock:

thanks, candid!  love the little party - that's great.  am grinning right now - it feels good!

a little step back in here.  feeling better, thank you, god.   i'm thinking meds aren't the way to go for me.  the docs are irresponsible here, it's a gov't-run health org. and i learned thru my own research on the net that these meds should probably have been started incrementally with me, let my body get adjusted to them.   this was the same pattern as the last 2 times with system-altering meds, complete rejection after 3 days.  plus, this time there were other side effects that were pretty nasty.  these 'cures' will kill me, and i just won't have that.

so i did more investigating into neuro-plasticity, mind over brain, changing the brain thru mental messages and i think that's the way i'm gonna go.  one of the articles i read said that the most important thing is to believe it can happen.  i believe, i believe!!!  and, that the more positive thoughts and messages you give yourself, the more positive neurons form and will eventually override and/or outnumber the neg. thoughts and messages.  i'm going for it.

my routine now includes some mindful breathing every day, gentle trauma-based yoga, and when a pain hits me, i tell my brain that it's a false message.  i did that 3 or 4 times today with a shooting pain in my shoulder, and it went away.  my system just doesn't want those chemicals inside it, and the docs are giving me no alternatives, no weaning on or off this crapola, and since i'm not a doc, i don't know how to wean on (especially with capsules, all those little beads.) with the correct doses.  i know how to wean off something, but don't want to take a chance with this stuff the other way around. 

there was a time, maybe 30 yrs. ago, when i was getting out of that mess with the icky therapist, and i saw a counselor, just a few times, but one time she told me to imagine i was at the end of my life looking backwards, which i did.  she asked how old i was, i said, without hesitation, 92.  i've been believing that ever since, and altho it's been rocky here of late, today i still do.  i will make this work by hook or crook, dammit!  everyone is welcome to join me, get the better of this beast whichever way is best for us individually.

for those of you who celebrate easter, have a happy one.  for everyone, happy, happy spring, one of my four top favorite seasons of the year.  enjoy!  dang, it feels good to be back, even if it's for these 10 min.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 15, 2017, 10:26:19 PM
the more positive thoughts and messages you give yourself, the more positive neurons form and will eventually override and/or outnumber the neg. thoughts and messages.  i'm going for it.

I love that! I'm going for it too. Also have reduced the dose of my anti-d by half. Sorry that can't be done with capsules -- unless you can get empty capsules from the nearest farmacia and empty half the beads into them one by one. Eek.

Quotedang, it feels good to be back, even if it's for these 10 min.

Lovely to see you here, too.  :cheer:

thanks, candid.  your little 'o bugger' comment when i signed out made me laugh.  that was great!  that felt good, too.  careful with the weaning - take it really slow.  when i went off my effexor, i did actually have to break the capsules open, get empty capsules from the farmacia, and hub would split them in fourths to start.  he looked like he was making lines of coke!  that's how i began going down, by fourths, did that for about a month, then by thirds, same thing, finally by halves.  it took a while, but i had no adverse effects coming off, and i'd read horror stories about that drug.

speaking of anti-d meds, the prozac stops now.  yeah, i had some pretty good energy yesterday, but for 2 nights running i had a terrible time falling asleep, last night was worse than the night before, and i was up at 3:30 this morning.  this is with my sleeping med.  i'm extremely sensitive to caffeine and anything speed-y, and sleep is something i sorely need.  so, besides one med for the nail fungus, and one for sleep, i'm now pretty much on my own, except for vitamins and supplements.  i believe that's where i'll stay unless i find compelling evidence otherwise.

this really is a whole-body experiment, trying to discover, then balance what works and what doesn't for my physical recovery.  it's a lot of work, actually, but dog gone it, i'm worth it!  just like the l'oreal ads say!  changing my tune about my pain hasn't been too bad, tho.  i hadn't really let it stop me too much, just kind of accepted it, didn't have emotions tied to it for the most part, so to start the messages is not so much an exchange but an addition.  it was pretty easy yesterday to keep telling myself they were false messages, or there was a brain glitch and the signal wasn't what it felt like.  i'm ok with this.  it was more self-talk than i've been doing - that was probably the biggest difference. 

so, ever onward. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 16, 2017, 12:37:22 PM
it was more self-talk than i've been doing - that was probably the biggest difference. 

I believe self-talk is the single biggest deciding factor in getting well or getting worse.

i agree, candid, and from what i've been reading, you're getting into some different stuff yourself.  yay for us!

little bit of a headache today - was only on the stuff for 9 days.  i can't imagine what might have happened after a month.  she didn't give me or the family doc any directions for what happens after a month, except that if i felt bad, to go 125 mi. to the emergency room for her.  which is rich, since neither my hub nor i have a car that can make it that far, and the buses don't run all night - blah blah blah. 

working within this medical system has been a learning experience, both of the system and about myself.  i believe it's all progress.  sometimes it's slower and more painful than at other times, and i hate that my hub has to continually watch me get sick and suffer because of it.  it chips away at both our spirits, which isn't good. 

however, as i learn more, put more pieces into place, i know i will suffer less, which will be a relief for him, too.   that's good for both of us. 

I wonder what can be done to best work within this medical system you're stuck in. 125 is a long way to go for an emergency room, or is that just the one she wants you to go to? Either way, you're smart for not just blindly taking those meds. Mixing them without letting your body build a tolerance on smaller doses first sounds risky to me.

Candid is completely right about how drastically self-talk can change your mood. You hear a lot about the burden of a negative self-critic. Maybe if you can convince your mind of something positive your body will follow...

Either way, good luck with the body 'experiment' and take good care of yourself :)

thanks, dsu.  that emergency room is in the city where she lives and practices.  we have a small one here in town, but not very well equipped.  and thank you for your vote of confidence and validation of what i'm doing.  i count on all of you to tell me honestly what you think. 

my system is so sensitive to these chemical additives, i've got to honor its messages above what docs tell me.  it's a stand of assertiveness, i guess.  just cuz they're docs doesn't mean they know my body better than i as far as how it reacts to what's put in it. 

so, no matter what happens with all the tests in sept., i pretty much already know what i have to do.  i'll listen, weigh what's said, look at the results, and do what i need to do.  at this point, i think i've done a helluva job of keeping myself alive and as well as possible with what i've had to work with. 

10 yrs. ago my hub told me that he thought i was gonna die.  i guess i don't give up quite that easily, no matter how hard it is.  i've got a daughter to visit at least once a year, and a brother i'd like to see.  got a novel i'm re-editing, and maybe want to write a book about alexithymia that could help explain this phenomenon to those suffering and confused about why.  so, i've still got things to do.  not done yet.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 17, 2017, 12:32:07 AM
i've still got things to do.  not done yet.

No indeed!

So good to see you, San!  :hug:  :hug:

This approach you've decided, this is what has kept my oldest sister mostly healthy physically and the most healed of us emotionally. She has been a huge proponent of being aware of our thoughts, which in turn control everything else about us. The more we silence the negative, the more room we give to the positive. The more positive we insist upon within ourselves, the more we share positive with the universe. The more positive we put into the universe, the more we are likely to receive back.

Now, that sounds like so much hippie mumbo-jumbo, but the proof is in the pudding. Her marriage is healthy, her child is healthy, her child married a healthy man and they have two fantastic little people of their own, now. All three generations show each other ongoing and unconditional love. I may have broken the chain of abuse, but she buried her chain deep under the ocean never to be heard from again. And she had more, and more painful, links in her chain.

This is my main reason for believing that you can AND you will succeed with this journey. Yes, we sometimes have to say 'out loud' what were our experiences, but this is to allow the poison to be found and removed. THEN, we free up space in our minds, hearts, souls, to begin to claim all that is positive in our lives. Say those positives 'out loud', more often and louder. They can become a habit, which can become a tendency, which can become a character trait (where I noticed it with my sister), which can become part of who we are, which can become who we are - healthy in mind, body and spirit. (OK, some of us are starting this late enough in life that we may only have time for health-IER, but I think I'm right that IER is enough to make our lives better!

:hug: to you! Keep believing in yourself, in the power of your mind and your heart. Come back to us when you need a refresher of what WE see in you - the beauty, compassion, the determination, the love for family, the strength, the courage and not least of all, the wisdom!  :hug:

o   wife2, you darling soul.  thanks for all the validation and encouragement.  congrats to your sister.   so happy someone found her way out and was able to rise above.  that's the best.

i agree, it's been important for me to get the poison out at times, but it's also important for me to not continue to revisit it.  i can lay in that pile of toxic waste forever!  or, i can decide to continue to push it aside and move on from it with these positive declarations.  i've been telling my brain repeatedly that these pain messages it's sending out are glitches, mistaken messages, and continue on.

hippie mumbo jumbo?!  we hippies knew a thing or two in our time that has gotten lost along the way.  look at all the chinese wisdom and medicine that's been around forever, and people are finally finding out that it's not a bunch of phooey.  if only more people had ascribed to the hippie mantra of 'make love, not war' - what a different world it might be.

i cringe when i watch the commercials for all these meds now that have been created to treat the awful side effects of the original meds given to people.  opioid-induced constipation, indeed!  these opioid painkillers are rendering a heroin comeback of epic proportions!   

no, i'm feeling better and better about the route i've decided to take.  healthier is certainly acceptable at this age.  i'll take it.  already, i'm finding more time/energy to focus on doing what's better for me, and that's having pos. results as well.   laughing out loud at silly sitcoms is good for me, so i do that as much as possible.  more mindful breathing, gentle trauma-based yoga are all sending healthier messages to my brain. 

when i think of it, the alexithymia may have actually saved me from being worse than i am.  since i didn't really have an ic to contend with, i wasn't putting myself down very much along the way but rather excusing my foibles and imperfections.  i think it kept me safer, in some ways, than i've given it credit for.

all these realizations are like putting the pieces together, and the support i've gotten here has been the glue that keeps them together, making a wholeness out of myself that was missing before.  all you lovely people are helping me get healthier in ways you may have never thought relevant.    it all counts, you all count.  thank you, god.  feeling stronger, revival of the spirit.  this shiiiiit works!!!

i've begun talking to my brain as if it's a wounded child, gently accepting at the same time encouraging change.  speaking the words out loud during the day.  it feels right somehow.

i know my brain's been wounded, has been taught to do things, send messages that don't match with reality or that cause pain where there shouldn't be any.  so i've begun speaking to it.  actually, she's a her.  i haven't thought of her name yet, but she has one.  i'm waiting for that to fall into my lap.  it will.

'i know you've been hurt.  i know you can grow out of that hurt place. these messages you're sending me aren't the correct ones, but it's what you've been taught.  we're going to grow and change together.  i'm not mad, but these are miscommunications and aren't right.  i know you can grow new neurons, dendrites, connections that are in keeping with reality.  we're doing this together.  i believe in you.  we'll get through this."  etc.

throughout the day, yesterday, i was doing this.  i'm going to keep it up.  one more step on my road to recovery.  i believe.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 18, 2017, 12:27:53 PM
i haven't thought of her name yet, but she has one.  i'm waiting for that to fall into my lap.  it will.

How about Briany?

very clever, candid.  thanks for the suggestion.  i'll try it on for size, see what happens.      :hug:

Talking to yourself as if you were a parent to a wounded child is possibly the smartest thing I've ever heard in regards to self-comfort. You do have wounds, you were a child, you deserve to be taken care of. Maybe your brain will realize this eventually and begin to recover even further...keep us posted San :) I so hope this works

thanks for your support, downsideup.  i do believe it's working already.  for one thing, i was extremely tired all day, even after a 2-hr. nap i laid in bed another 2 hrs., just too tired to get up.  for another, during my nap i dreamed of a very nice man (symbolic, perhaps, of the positives i'm instilling) who kind of stayed just out of reach, at the same time my sister (who i believe symbolized the neg. crapola) just kept being annoying and i kept yelling at her to stop and get away.    it was interesting to me, but it, too, made me think that this is working.  so i'm gonna keep it up.

on another front, i'm so pissed off i'm frickin' ready to leave my husband and this place.  he went to the big town up north (where i have to go for the specialists) for the day, but didn't tell me why he was going.  i thought it was for his eye again.  when he came back tonite at 11, he told me the real reason and i blew up.

i don't know what to do.  i absolutely hate him right now.  without telling me, he took out a bank loan to buy 5 cars at auction w/ someone else he knows up there, apparently to import and sell them here.  then he told me he's in a load of doo-doo.  it seems that this 'friend's' brother went to a city in the states to get the cars, and decided to pick up an extra one, which turned out to be stolen.  i don't know how the whole thing went down, but the friend is in jail, the cars are impounded, and the brother is long gone.

i can't believe he was so stupid.  too bad for him, but what i'm really mad about is that it's got me involved financially, since both our names are on both our bank accounts.  i'm gonna have to close my acct. and have my daughter wire me money thru western union or something.  i can't take a chance of opening a new acct. here cuz i don't know if they'll come after me cuz we're married. 

i've worked so hard over the years to get this acct. and wire transfers set up for my soc. sec. money (thank god i didn't have it transferred here automatically every month!), first thru a joint acct. with my ex in the states (cuz i was too sick to think about numbers and money matters), then a few years ago i was able to extricate myself from him and got an acct. in my own name.  later i put my daughter on the acct. cuz i help her out every month, and i figured that if i croaked over, she'd at least be able to get the money out and it wouldn't get absorbed by the bank or the gov't.

she doesn't have a car, which means that it will considerably put her out to wire me money when i need it.  i hate this * place so much right now - he's been on the streets, we've been burned by his so-called 'friends' before, i can't * believe he was this stupid!!!  and he was trying to tell me not to lay any more shiiit on him cuz he's gonna be in so much trouble if the cops don't find this guy!

)(*&)(_* that!!!!!!  i'm the frickin' victim here, he went into this deal with his eyes open and w/o talking to me about it at all before hand.  he's always been the one to say before we make any big decisions, to always talk it over.  what a buttwipe!  if he'd have talked to me, i doubt this would've happened cuz i would've tried to talk him out of it.  i can't trust one frickin' person in my life now, except my daughter, and she's got her own problems.

i don't know what i'm gonna do.  i really don't want to stay here, don't want to be with him, can't stand to look at him.  this get-rich-quick frickin' mentality here by schemes and scams - i think this may be the straw that broke this camel's back.  i don't know how i can live with him anymore.  and he told me, when i asked, that this happened a month ago!  all this time he's been pissin' and moanin' about how broke he is, how strapped he is, wah wah wah.  i've come to his rescue so many times in the past, but not this time.

for better or worse - HAH!!!  i know i'm gonna need surgery on my eye, and i wouldn't be able to afford that in the states, so i think i'll have to stay here until that's done.  right now i'm thinking that after that i'm gonna ask my daughter to help me find a gov't-funded apt. or something near her, or an old folks' home that takes medicare.  he doesn't know what he's done. 

he said he didn't tell me cuz he didn't want to stress me out.  what a bunch of bull pucky.  i asked him, what did he think telling me tonight was doing?  once again, i'm gonna have to leave my home, for the umpteenth time.  i'm so mad, so sad, so hurt, so disappointed in him, feeling so worthless.   he's gonna get my money out of the bank tomorrow, and i'll have to talk to my daughter, which i dread.   i can't *' believe this!  i wish i could pack up and leave tomorrow!   AAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCKKKKKKKK!

:spooked:    :fallingbricks:    :aaauuugh:     :pissed:     ???    :stars:     :Idunno:      :sadno:     :sharkbait:      :blowup:      >:D     :thumbdown:      :blahblahblah:   

ok, i'm not much of one for those things, but i needed them right now.   that last one is for the frickin' hot air that comes out of my hub's mouth that doesn't mean jack *.  talk about believing something that isn't at all what i thought it was.  disillusioned.  i've been living in a house of cards, and in one breath he blew it all away.  i have no respect for him anymore, no support for him, no energy of any kind for him.  it was all a play, and i guess i'm a stupid gringa after all.   i got played royally.   wow.

San, that is so awful! There really aren't words horrible enough to describe this.

What a cluster****! There is no excuse for not telling you over the past month. Period. Waiting until the deal fell apart and someone was in jail is not respectful, fair or even logical.

Hmmm, don't upset the wife by telling her I'm dealing with idiot # 1 and it required taking out a loan. Don't upset her when I find out that idiot # 2 may or may not have stolen a vehicle. Don't upset her by coming clean until idiot # 1 is GONE and idiot # 2 is in jail. Yes, THAT is when to come clean and say I'm in trouble and may end up in jail myself. Oh, and this government will likely seize EVERYTHING BOTH of us have, because of that. AND, going back to your home country may be complicated by the current leader AND this potential 'criminal activity'. Yes, that's the best path to take. UGH!

** Dark humor alert - this is only meant to be humorous, please don't take it wrong ***

Don't kill him, it'll make coming home harder.

There are times when you have to try to find the humor because the anger will destroy you. Justifiable as that anger is - and in this case it's a 10 of out 10 on the justified meter.

Pace, cuss, beat pillows until they burst. Then, take a break to breathe, to calm yourself down, to 'wipe away the poison' so you can determine the best path away from this man.

His actions have screamed who he is. You're listening. If you must stay until after the surgery, do that, but as a roommate, not as a wife. Then, as soon as you're cleared for travel - get out!

Oh, there is not an emoji to express how sorry I am this happened and how sorry I am that it hit JUST when you were making progress.

Oh, san! :( :hug:

There are not words for me, to tell you how sorry I am. You really did not need this. I'm standing with you in spirit!

Seriously? :stars: How stupid can one man be?? I am so sorry you are having to put up with this. What an idiot. This is the last possible thing you need San. Get away from that man, he's no good to you. Get that eye surgery and get out of there asap. You deserve to come home.

Oh San, I'm so sorry to read this about your feelings towards your H now, when his love and support could have made so much difference. :bighug: I'm hoping your daughter will help you when you're ready to flee.

Wife#2, your dark humour certainly resonated for me...

i'm pretty frizzed right now - the enormity of all this is beginning to set in.  let me just say that you all are the very best. the. very. best. people that i could ever know.  your support and opinions and well wishes are more than i could have ever hoped for.  please forgive all my bad words, and 3roses, thank you for editing them w/o giving me a bunch of yuck about it.  i appreciate that.

the questions are now running thru my head.  what happens if he can't make the payments?  he has no collateral - anything of value i bought, including this house.  luckily it's on his family property, so i doubt that it can be taken away.  is he gonna split?  he's talked about going across the peninsula to another town before to try to find work.  i'm pretty much of a gypsy, but i think this is something i don't need right now, so this time i wouldn't be going with him.

he turned this on me last night, telling me that when i was saying 'stupid' over and over in my anger rant that he's not going to be taking that abuse from me anymore.  said he was glad i was able to get mad, but now to leave him alone - he's got enough on his mind.  i can barely speak to him now, can barely look at him.  (yeah, wife2, i appreciated the humor.)  i'm crashing big time now.   called the bank this morning to let them know i'll be using my debit card here and in the states indefinitely.  i've rarely used it, and they froze it on me once when i was visiting.  step 1.

step 2 - later this aft. we're going to the atm's in town to see if my stateside debit card will work.  i've been doing wire transfers all this time - of course he pointed out to me how much money he's told me i would've saved if i'd been using the debit card all along.  i've used an atm machine i think twice in my life - not very comfy with machines.  so, now i have to get comfy with this.  this just screams 'unsafe' to me cuz of all the hacking of cards that's gone on, and i only have this card and the one bank acct. where my monthly payments come.  it's all the money i have in the world.

he wanted to go farther than these 2 steps last night, but i told him i couldn't retain all that.  he also started telling me how easy this all is, that he thinks there's a lot i could've been doing but stopped myself by thinking i couldn't.  he was so helpful - not!  i'm like a stone with a whirlwind inside.  the stress i'm feeling right now is incredible, but when he was saying all these things i simply said 'yes' and looked at him w/ no expression on my face.  i have no feelings toward him, not any good ones.  he wants to keep downplaying what he did by saying he 'made a mistake', like it's some little something i should just get over and move on from.

i know that's what he wants - me to just suck it up and go on about my business as if he stubbed his toe or something by accident.  and that it's the other guy's fault for putting that chair that he knocked into in his way.  he doesn't see at all how this has affected our relationship, what it means, how i could somehow excuse this and stand by his side or something, make like it's no big deal.  he thinks he got screwed, poor baby. 

i finally pressed, asked him why he really didn't tell me.  he admitted that he knew it was 'risky' (i interjected 'stupid') and that i wouldn't have gone for it.  there's a saying here - i'd rather ask for forgiveness than ask for permission.  we've talked about that, i've told him many times what i think of that type of mentality.   i don't play those games.

so, he borrowed money from the bank that he has to make payments on every 2 weeks, money that he told me he would be able to cover until possibly july, to invest in a scheme whereby this friend of his knew about getting cars at an auction cheap.  this way my hub (the reason behind all this) would be able to get a car and make some money to boot.  he's been worried about his car for a long time.  last year we talked about him taking a loan out of the bank to get a car, and talked and talked and he finally saw what a losing proposition that was.  he doesn't make enough money to repay a loan!

so, the friend had his brother go to the states to get the cars (i still don't get how this one guy was gonna bring 5 cars back) and decided to pick up an extra one on his way.  the extra turned out to be stolen.  because of this, somehow, all the cars got impounded (and, of course my hub doesn't have the money to get them out) and his friend or friend's brother is in jail, and the thief has split.  my hub is hoping the cops are gonna pick him up.  hah!

what a nightmare this has been.  my daughter's been very supportive, told me to keep her informed.  she talked to the guys she lives with, they said the same thing.  i told her this morning that i started thinking about moving, that i think i'd need a truck.  of course, i have no credit, so that would mean she'd have to come down here, rent a truck in the states, and i'd meet here, drive it down here, load it up, and drive back.  lots of money that none of us have.  but, that'll have to be dealt with later.  for now, i'm waiting for him to come home so we can do step 2. 

my poor little brain and body are being wracked out of whack.  we had a long talk today, it's not their fault.  i'm just hangin' on by a thread - and i know you're all hangin' right beside me.  thank you everyone.  this is as hard a thing i've had to go through as anything else in the past.  i'm too old for this crapola.  what happened to our golden years?  i wanted to just live out my life here in this little town of my heart.  now, i can't wait to leave.  funny how things change.  i'm not laughing, tho.

I'm so sorry, San.

It sounds like you might need to talk to a lawyer asap to clarify your rights and responsibilities under Mexican law.  Can you do so without any involvement from your husband?

You really didn't need this (understatement) and I feel for you :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 21, 2017, 10:32:49 PM
i'm too old for this crapola.  what happened to our golden years? 

I'd like to know that, too.

It sounds as though your mind's made up to move back near or with your daughter. I'm sad that your marriage isn't what I initially thought it was, and that in a very real sense you've been alone for some time.

:bighug:

hey, radical.  thank you.  actually, i don't think a lawyer will be necessary.  when i go, i'll take my belongings, leave my home behind.  it's on his family's property, so i have no claim to it anyway.  the family doesn't even have the correct papers for it and half of them live in the states.  nothing could ever be settled.  like i told my d, this will be the third home i've left, one for every marriage.  that's sad to me.  3 homes, and nothing to show for them.  my nc d lives in the second one, and my ex gave me an advance on what the home might be worth to build this one. 

my d has been so very supportive.  i started looking for apts. where she lives, she said she'll help.  she has always really liked my hub, but she totally understands why i want to get out.  i'll be very poor, but i'll have my own space, my own bed (he's horrible to sleep with and is often the reason i'm up so early every morning) and things will be clean.  that will be wonderful!  here there is always so much grit, it's impossible to keep up.  no more roaches, big ol' bugs, or lizards that find their way under my pillow.

i don't know when to tell him.  i know this seems sudden, but it's been coming for a while.  he's never been able to stop barking at me when i ask him a question that he's not in the mood for, he's rarely followed thru on things he says he's gonna do, and he's never asked for help when he needed to.  after his hip surgery, someone told him it would take a good year to heal.  that was at least 10 yrs. ago.  since then, we probably had sex 5 times, and then he lost his desire due to the fact that he was scared his his replacement would pop out.  i begged him to talk to a doc about it, he refused.  so, wife2, as far as living like roommates, i've been doing that for a long time already.  nothing i tried worked, and i tried everything i could think of.  living alone, in that area, will probably give me a better chance of getting laid, if i so desire.

divorce?  i don't plan to remarry, so i'm not worried about it.  status quo is fine.  i only feel married now because i've chosen to.  we've been more friends than anything else.  i will say that he saved my life, and i'm forever grateful for that.  but, on the other hand, this other stuff, especially this recent incident, has been way too stressful.  it's the last thing i need.  the stress will not end as long as he has that bank loan, because i know it's what's on his mind.  he's been more than reticent this past month and now i know why.  but when i'd ask him, he'd just say 'i've got a lot of stuff going on'. 

i know that by taking myself away from him will be the worst thing i can do to him, and i'm sorry about that.  he's not a bad guy.  he just has a way to live his life that's incompatible with the way i want to live mine.  looking back, i think i've been putting up with this way of life, just that.  nearly 16 yrs.  not enough has changed.  lots of ideas, very little follow-through or reliability.  i need to rely on things, i need to be able to believe that when someone says something, that's how it's going to be.  maybe me and this culture are just too different after all.  i could easily list all the good qualities i fell in love with, and he still has them.  but the scales have finally tipped.  without trust, how can there be a relationship of any merit?   sucks.

ya know, candid, i'm sorry it isn't what i initially thought it was, either.  alone all this time?  maybe you're right.  my d said something to me about having no community here, altho i used to belong to a few support groups, both amer. and mex., but they both turned out to be unhelpful, even after sticking with them for over a year each.   she also said that i used to love to go to classes and such (i actually took up basket weaving, loved it!) and i haven't had the chance for that here.  i also miss libraries very much.  such small things that played a huge part in my life.  i'll be without a car, but i'll get strong enough to walk, find a place near a grocery store.  it'll be nice to have beautiful produce to pick from again as well.

the last couple of years i've been missing all that american stuff so very much.  it's gotten to me, i guess, and i'm really looking forward to it again.  i know about the gov't, the healthcare system, all that is crappy up there, but it's all crappy down here as well.  trade one devil for another, i guess. 

yeah, it sounds like i've pretty much made up my mind, doesn't it.  the trust is broken, has basically never been there, but i've ignored it, put up with it.  this is just the straw.  just putting in time now.  so very sad.   i dread the thought of actually doing it.  don't know how or when to tell him.  i guess god will show me the way.

You've listed a lot of good things about moving back to the States, not least of which will be living closer to your DD. I like the way you wrote "I'll get strong enough to walk". It's far from over for you, my courageous friend.

thank you for your faith and support, dear candid, friend and sister. 

we had a big blowout today, and god gave me the words.  as it ends up, it's almost a mutual feeling that we need to separate.  i put too much financial stress on him during the best of times, he puts too much emotional stress on me with issues that he's not willing to work on.  stalemate. 

we've decided to make the best of the time we have left together.  i'm glad it's not gonna be a hurtful, hateful kind of separation.  well, until he sees that i'm taking most everything in the house.  we have a futon on the porch that his brother can clean and move in for him to sleep on, he's got his phone for entertainment.  he may be able to get some money for my car - it'll break my heart not to have a car.  first time since i was 20 that i didn't have my own car. 

next on my list - he's gonna close out the bank acct. on tues.  i'm quite sure i'll have to be there to sign off on it cuz my name is on it.  and, that's one more step to separate me from this place, which was once the place i ran to because it was the only place i feel safe.  funny how things change.  now my daughter has really stepped up into my corner, and i've always felt safe with her.  it used to be that when i'd visit her, i'd stop feeling safe once i left the border, didn't feel safe till she picked me up from the airport.  i'm feeling a bit stronger over the years.

my dear friend from forever told me not to leave the man who loves me.  she used to come to mexico many years ago for months at a time, brought her kids, always loved it.  it was a vacation for her, so it's a different dynamic.  i was at the place once, a long time ago, too.  living here, day in and day out, thru the heat and the hassle is so very different.  she doesn't know this part of it, only thinks the world of my hub, and just told me again not to leave here cuz of all the problems up there.

they're no different up there than here, only there i can speak the language and understand what people are saying to me.  she doesn't get that at all.  she's also been alone for many, many years, is very sick and poor, and wishes she had someone like my hub to help her.  she's got a different pair of glasses on. 

so, one foot in front of the other.  little steps.  still fighting.  will continue to do so.  looked up studio apts. where my daughter lives, i think i'd be all right with that.  that's all i can afford, but i'll be healing, soaking in the calm, not this constant bickering.  it will work out.  i have faith.  if i wasn't worried about going blind in this eye, i'd leave next week. 

giving it over to the universe now.  it shall be as it shall be, and i'll roll with it.  i can always come back.

I'm glad for you.  It seems like the best possible outcome under the difficult circumstances.

I'm on my own and I disagree with your friend.  I feel a relationship that isn't working and that the people involved can't make work, is not better than being alone, it's more lonely, in a way.  In your situation, the problems in combination with language and climate problems, could be isolating and alienating.

I'm glad you are going home.  I'm reminded of Van Morrison's 'Too long in Exile'

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9gRbpe7LUU

thanks so much for your understanding, radical.  it really helps.  i totally agree with you.  when i visited my d at christmas, the atmosphere there was so kind and caring among the 3 of them living in a small place that at one point i said to my d 'i don't want to go back'.  i've never, ever felt that way about this place before, especially to the point where i felt more comfy with these 3 people than with my hub, safer, more protected, more cared for.  it was a very strange feeling.

it's all very sad, of course.  nearly 16 yrs. we've put in.  i came down here in aug., 2001 - yeah, a space odyssey, for sure - and may be leaving exactly 16 yrs. later, depending on my eye.  i see the doc may 17, will find out then what is going to happen.  that's my biggest hurdle right now.  in the meantime, it's a waiting game.

i love van morrison.  thanks, radical.  big hug to you.  you've all been so helpful with this, just an awful low in my life, a horrible decision.  i don't hate him anymore, but circumstances - you're right, radical - just can't be overcome.   i wish they could, i wish things could be different, i wish it weren't like this, i wish i won't have to be strong enough to actually leave here.  i wish.  there are a thousand cliches.  none of them are relevant right now.

i will be moving to a new state, one i've visited but never lived in.  i like the area of the country, tho, and the fact that it has seasons.  my d and i have formed a bond just in the past year or so that was never there before, and i think that has helped with this decision.  she's already told me not to worry about anything, that it'll get figured out.   very reassuring, non-judgmental, and accepting.

i am blessed above all, and can finally feel humble enough to appreciate all the help i've been given, here and through her.  that's a good feeling for me.  not to take it for granted that somehow i deserve this, but to appreciate that i can accept it as it is given, and feel deserving of it.  for me, that's quite different, and it feels really good (just like when i got so mad the other night and let it rip - that felt great!  never had that before).   we'll get thru this - you are all giving me pieces of my self that, when put together with what i already have, is making me strong, not sick feeling at all.  smiling now.   love you all.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 22, 2017, 10:49:49 PM
we've decided to make the best of the time we have left together.  i'm glad it's not gonna be a hurtful, hateful kind of separation. 

I'm glad too, San, and I hope he will see reason about all the stuff you're taking. You need it to get started again, while he's remaining on his own turf where his gutter smarts and his dodgy friends will ensure he's always looked after in the only way he really understands.

Quotehe's gonna close out the bank acct. on tues.  i'm quite sure i'll have to be there to sign off on it cuz my name is on it.

This is your ace, to ensure he'll "see reason". How about you make an exhaustive list of what you'll be taking, and get him to sign off on it before you two go to the bank? If you can do this in a calm, rational way, he'll have to agree to you taking what you believe is a fair amount.

Quotemy dear friend from forever told me not to leave the man who loves me. 

That's fair comment (and incidentally the decision I've made for myself) but she doesn't know your circumstances. I see in your subsequent post you're talking about moving to a new state. Could that new state be an internal one? Because it occurs to me that sharing a home with this dear friend could be just the ticket for both of you further down the track. Naturally you gravitate to your daughter first.

Quoteit will work out.  i have faith. 

I have faith in you, magical San! I think you're amazing, and very brave. How long is it to the eye appointment? Can you book your travel now?

I'm inspired that you can make a radical life change at this time.

candid, as ever, wise and wonderful wishes, thoughts, and sentiments.  thank you.

well, reality has set in, and there's no way i have the finances to move.  period.  i'd even looked at studio apts. that i thought i could afford, but i forgot about first, last, and sec. deposit.  so, i'm here, and will be making the best of it. 

he and i have talked a lot these past few days.  he may have gotten scared straight a little bit, at least for a while.  i'll just have to do what i can to make this as good for me as possible.  stay very selfish and 'me' centered.  all this brave talk - yeah, but i finally hit the brick wall of what i'm truly able to do, where i'm truly able to go.

by the by, the only lawyer i know here is my hub's son;  the rest i don't trust anyway.  i've heard too many stories, and i don't have the money to hire one.  i'd have to get a truck to move, which means someone else who has credit cuz i have none.  when i ran away from home all those years ago, i ran away from the entire life i knew and adhered to.

so, there it is.  i'm sorry that i made such a big stink out of something that i didn't think through enough to realize it wasn't even possible.  you all have been so kind and supportive, you didn't deserve to have given this your energy.  hmmm, i feel ashamed.  i guess something's working.  i'll be ok.  thank you again. 

There is no reason to be ashamed, San.  Please don't harsh towards yourself.  There are many things that aren't about us at all, but about the way the world is.  Our choices are always limited. I'm sorry you can't find a way to solve things right now, but I have confidence that you will find good solutions for health and well-being all round, that you will find a way to thrive, whether that means staying put and finding a way through, or leaving.

We do deserve.  It's one of the main OOTS lessons.  You deserve support and caring and you have it. :hug:

I'm glad we are here to support you, after all you've done for me and so many others. Who knows what will happen? You may yet find a way to move. I hope you just decide what's best for you, that's all that matters.

thank you, radical and 3 roses, again.  this whole thing is so topsy turvy, my head is spinning.  i do think my hub is scared straight a bit, which is a good thing for me right now, and i'm resting a little easier in this house at the moment.

talked with my daughter last night, she doesn't want to see me stuck here anymore, and told me, again, that if we take things step by step, we'll figure something out (wanna cry now, this is so sweet).  then she explained that she'd be able to round up the money to get me outta here through friends of hers, from  both the guys she lives with, and her friends.  these friends she's known since she was a little bit of a thing, and i've watched them grow up, but i never thought of them as financial resources.

she rendered me speechless when she told me that she believed that they'd help me get out of here, that she didn't want to see me be stuck here/feel trapped here.  then she said 'mom, there are people who love you and would want to help you', and i didn't know what to say.  completely unexpected. 

i guess because i've been battling against so many for so long, such thoughts of kindness seem unreal to me.  she just kept reassuring me, just kept calming me down, kept repeating that we'll take it step by step.  so, i'm going to save my money, my hub and i are going to act as roommates and split everything now, all the bills,   our joint acct. will be closed either today or tomorrow - that is the next step.  i will have all my money from the bank with me from now on.

he keeps assuring me that there will be no problems with the bank, but i don't trust his info anymore.  it's his to deal with now - i'm gonna stay as far away from all that, including listening to anything about it, as i possibly can.  so, step by step. 

you all have been invaluable on this journey of mine, including all its twists and turns, whip- and backlashes, rants, raves, as well as triumphs and celebrations.  i depend on you in ways i never thought possible for myself.  you have encouraged me, accepted me, pushed me, challenged me, and allowed me to be who i am.  i'm forever grateful.

no, i'm not done yet.  i still have things to do.  hopefully, tho, most of the battling will become a memory soon.  that will be the best of all.  i hope everyone can take from this that it's never too late, to never give up, to keep moving.  i do believe that as long as we keep moving, whether it's forward, backward, or even sideways, we have a chance to defy this beast.  especially, as ringo said 'with a little help from my friends.'  i have the best friends, ever!   it's not over. 

No, Ma'am, this is not over yet. You've still got adventures, growth and life and love to explore.

I'm seeing a peace in your posts. This 'getting through the storm' together is why we are here! You  need not apologize for granting us the privilege of being there for you just as you've been there for many of us.

The only downside to our anonymity on this site is that we can't give to - oh let's say a gofundme page - without putting that anonymity to rest. Something I've considered, but shied away from. Still, I wouldn't mind searching that site to see if there is a story of a wonderful woman trying to fund her way back to her daughter! <wink> Wife2 stealthily plants idea to see if it takes root..... ::ninja mask::

This is because I do consider you a sincere friend. This website has saved my sanity more times than I truly care to count. To help you on the site is my honor. To offer REAL help for you VERY REAL situation, that would only make me happier! Your daughter is right - there are people who love you and want to help. 

And yes, not in a narcissistic way, but in a human way, you do deserve to feel that love and receive that love and the help being offered. Because you do have value and your well-being does matter to us.

I'm very glad that your husband could be a grownup about the situation and it's impact on you. Hopefully, he can maintain that through your eye appointment and the necessary follow-ups to that.

GIANT, HUGE HUGS to you, friend. I wish I could do more.

 :cheer:

No need to make big decisions right now, San. Your daughter and others have said they will help you move. Let's focus on the upcoming eye appointment and keep gathering data. There is a way for you to be among people you love while retaining your independence (I was well impressed when you wrote that you'd be able to get laid if you so desire) and I know you will find it.

You have lots of support here so I'll just give you a :bighug: for now and tell you I'm thinking of you.

wife2, you darling, darling woman!  you crack me up.  planting seeds - i don't even know what a 'gofundme' is.  i'm not involved in social media at all,  but, let me tell you, you brought a smile to my morning just reading it!  ninja mask, indeed!  and thank you for all the kind, wonderful words and thoughts.  they are so appreciated. 

for me right now, this is a time to be gotten through as best i can.  i'm gonna be messy, nervous, eating too much, and i don't have much brain for writing or even helping out others on the forum right now.  i'll survive it and the time will come when i can settle myself and find a new kind of normalcy.  for now, mucking through the yuck is the best i can do.   

i think i've started longing for a return to the states about a year ago, and i thought it was an age thing.  i began missing things up there so very much, more than i can remember since moving here.  i hope i'm not using this situation with my hub as an excuse to bail.  i don't think so.  i like to think that as i've grown in recovery, my boundaries, wishes and wants for myself are simply healthier, and my hub has just not wanted to do the work for our relationship.

my getting well, instead of staying sick, has been not only for me but for us.   i wanted to be a better partner, not just this sick old thing moaning and groaning all the time, becoming more and more helpless.  i've had to do a lot of hard work to accomplish that.  he, on the other hand, any time there has been an issue to be looked at in his own life, has shied away, found excuses, or told me that's not how he does things. 

so, to my mind, we've now grown apart, and that's not where i want to be or how i want to live.  it's stunting in a relationship.  at least it is to mine.    maybe that's the bottom line, and this incident just brought it all home about how much he hasn't taken furthering this relationship to heart.  i'm not one to stagnate.  i like movement - even when the air here is still, i can't stand it.  it's disturbing to me.

so, onward!

and, thanks 3 roses, for being in my corner as always, a wonderful cheerleader who's been with me from the very beginning.    love you both!

candid, you posted just as i was.  you're right, my decisions must be step by step now.  today my bank acct. will be closed.  that's the next step.  after that, i have a doc appt. (reg. monthly to get my meds), and then the paperwork merry-go-round, and then the eye doc.  that's enough to focus on for now.  thanks for keeping me grounded.  you're a peach!  big hug right back atcha, with love attached!

all right, step 3 is officially done - my bank acct. is closed, and i have all my money from here with me now.  my hub is never alone with it, and no one here thinks i have money cuz i drive a 23-yr. old car!  it's all beat up and rusting, and that's the first thing people notice here is what kind of car anyone drives.  that's the status bar.

next is a waiting game.  doc appts., see what's gonna happen with my eye.  it shouldn't be too big a deal, the surgery, but it'll depend on when it gets scheduled.  we'll see.  scary, tho.  never had anything done to my eyes before, except getting reading glasses or bifocals. 

and, the other night i was going to bed, thought of everyone who has been so kind and helpful and i felt loved.  it was the most miraculous feeling, like soft, warm angel wings embracing me, comforting me, soothing me.  wow!  i can't even say how happy i am that i lived long enough to feel this in such a tangible way.  i know it's because everything coming toward me from everyone is from their heart.  i can feel it now.  it's so beautiful, like being covered in flower petals, or the whisper of a blessing.  thank you, everyone.   i'll make it.

I know it's scary. Said a flat no to contacts. Have considered laser surgery but so far I've been too scared I'll end up blind. Yours is a cataract, isn't it? I've never heard of anyone being worse off after that op.

Your last par is so beautiful. BTW I showed H the top of one of your posts where you called me friend and sister, because I'd mentioned "my friend San" to him. It's an honour to be on your support crew.

:bighug:

it's an honor to have you with me, candid.

my surgery is actually going to be because my retina is detaching.  at least, that's what i read from the last doc i saw last month.  i'm not worried about cataracts - i know that's a simple procedure once they get bad enough.  this is where they inject a bubble of gas into the eyeball in order for it to, presumably, push the retina back to where it belongs.   gotta stay face down 20 hrs./day for at least a week, maybe 2, so that the gas bubble does its thing, and then gets absorbed by the body.  the idea of sticking a needle in my eye doesn't sit real well with me.

i thought my hub had this same procedure done, but i just found out the other day that his was because of macular degeneration.  it was a similar procedure, but different focus.  he panicked the first time, they had to reschedule so he could go under general anesthesia.  so, i still have to find out what the real deal is, cuz i didn't get to see my own doc last time because of a glitch in the comp. system, and they shoveled me to someone else.  ugh!  i hate this crapola!  i'll know more after the 17th of may, exactly what's going on. 

i've already been told i can't wear contacts cuz the fluid in my eye isn't right for them.  that was about 25 yrs. ago.  don't know exactly what that means, or if it means anything for this now.  maybe i'll just have this eyeball taken out and wear a glittery patch.  that would rock!!!  we'll see.

:bighug:  back atcha!

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 25, 2017, 05:22:06 PM
the idea of sticking a needle in my eye doesn't sit real well with me.

No, it wouldn't.

Quotei'll know more after the 17th of may, exactly what's going on. 

Such a long time to have this hanging over your head!

Quotemaybe i'll just have this eyeball taken out and wear a glittery patch.  that would rock!!! 

You're... indomitable! I bet you'd do it, too.   :heythere:

Wow, Sanmagic, I had NO idea that was such an intensive process! Can they keep you in-hospital, or do you have to go home and just try to make that happen?

Three weeks from today to find your answers! That's forever AND not too long. With all the junk going on, hopefully, you'll be so distracted that it'll be here before you know it! Good answers only - you're due by now. Surely, you're due.  :yes:

Big, big  :hug: to you, friend.

thanks for your support, candid and wife2.  when i read the report the other doc wrote (then told me to go back to the desk and get an appt. asap - this was the first one available) one of her notations was that the retina was detached 20% (now, i'm reading shorthand spanish, so i think that's what it said.  but i can tell something is wrong with my eye that wasn't there before).  from what i understand, it's an outpatient procedure.  i don't know anything about follow-up, altho when my hub had his procedure done, he had to return in 3 days to have it checked, so i may have to stay there in a hotel instead of riding the bus home for 2 1/2 hrs., then returning 3 days later.  i'm guessing at all of this.  my hub will be with me, so that's money spent for two.

if, in fact, this is what is going to happen, i don't have any idea when there will be someone who does this procedure available, if it's my doc or another, and how long it might take before i can actually get it done.  who knows with this med. system - it might be months.  it's all up in the air, everything, and i'm doing my best not to think about it. 

at this point, sometimes i wonder if i'm making it all up, if i read it wrong, or what.  my hub keeps saying he's not a doc, that when he's tried to read these reports they've been different than what the doc says.  i don't know anymore.  if it is what i think it says, i'm not looking forward to it at all.  in 3 weeks it's gonna be really hot, and just walking outside will be like walking into an oven.  in and out of a/c takes its toll.  just plain ol' ugh!

so, that's where i am right now, that's what i'm thinking.  maybe i'm wrong.  my eye is telling me different, tho.  ever onward! 

My mind boggles at the thought of lying face-down for 20 hours a day. How will you even breathe?

Quote from: Candid on April 26, 2017, 04:20:17 PM
My mind boggles at the thought of lying face-down for 20 hours a day. How will you even breathe?

:yeahthat:

Just WOW. Thoughts & prayers are with you, friend.

Maybe rent one of those chiropractor tables with the open space for a head? Yeah, I hear you, more money you just don't have.

Maybe a hammock?  Hmmm, one of those rope numbers with tall sides so you won't roll out every time the wind blows. And that way, you could pass a straw through so you could still drink (water, soda, vodka - whatever helps the days pass). And you could put down a towel or blanket so you don't get rope burn or bed sores where the ropes crisscross. And, if the spaces are wide enough, you could put your arms through and put your phone or monitor or laptop below you and still play with us! Until your hands went numb at least.

thanks ever so, both of you.  my hub got one of those pillow rings for traveling, but he never used it.  he stayed up there at his sister's house for 10 days so he was able to go back and forth for check-ups in the same town, and she made food for him.  i was so grateful for that.   i guess i'll just hang my head over the bed, if it comes to that, listen to the tv.  i don't have computer gadgets, so that's not an option.  i'll do a lot of thinking, lots of resting.  i'll get thru it.   

it would be nice if i were wrong, and this is something that could be fixed with some drops.  let's hope so. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 26, 2017, 05:47:34 PM
it would be nice if i were wrong, and this is something that could be fixed with some drops.  let's hope so.

Oh yes! As the wise man said: Be realistic. Plan for a miracle.

that's ALWAYS my plan!  manufactured or natural, i don't care.  i love miracles - they're akin to magic.

was thinking about men yesterday, how i've been so man hungry all my life.  it's got to be about my dad, who i thought was god and wanted only to please him and make him proud.  never got confirmation on either while he was alive - even when my sis and i, who were living in calif. at the time made the trip to our hometown in the midwest while he was in the hospital with leukemia (and since he was sick, she and i painted the house for him), we got no acknowledgment from him about the trip or the house.  the first day we went to the hospital to see him, he said that he'd expected us to come, but he was really impressed by our mom coming to visit every day (she didn't drive, so it was a big deal, yes, and he was happy to have her by his side).  still, i thought we'd get some kind of thanks, or so nice of you to come all this way - something!

way back in first grade i think, i ran a little girls' gang who would pin down some boy i picked out on the playground, hold him there so that i could kiss him.  i remember being at the water fountain one day when a teacher came up to me, told me that she'd heard what i was doing, and that i should stop cuz kissing spreads germs.  i did, but it never stopped me from continually liking boys, wanting their attention.  i had my eye on them ever since.

as an adult, i loved going to bars, but i always found the night to be a waste if i hadn't gotten the attention of some guy.  i was a guy junkie, i think as i ponder on it now, not really feeling whole unless i had a man in tow somehow, often more than one.  back-ups, so to speak.  i truly felt like a boat sailing aimlessly without the attentions of a man.  my sole intent when i went out was to find someone, even if it was just to have a conversation with, maybe a kiss good night. 

for some reason this has been in my head the last few days, probably from contemplating leaving my hub.  i think i read about looking for men to be my savior.  i do know that i was desperate for touch.  without my emotions, touching or being touched was like the only way i knew i was solid.  otherwise, i floated.   i don't doubt it's why i hug everybody to this day.  it's grounding for me.

the only touch like that i remember with my dad was when i was very young.  i had problems sleeping at night (my mom told me that i had my days and nights mixed up from the time i was a baby) and i remember a few times when my dad would hold me on the rocker until i fell asleep.  while i was lying in his arms, i would put my little arm behind him, slide my hand up his back a bit, and keep it there until the pressure of his back against the chair with my tiny hand in between would become too much.  my hand would begin tingling, and i'd slide my hand back down to the small of his back where there was room.  when the tingling stopped, i'd repeat that several times before i went to sleep.

when i was a little older, maybe 3 or 4, my mom bought me what i thought was the most beautiful doll in the world.  i named her diane, and she slept with me every night.  eventually, i lost her clothes, but i had a ritual wherein i would hold an arm of hers till it got warm, then the other, then a leg, etc., until i finally reached her glass head.  this was my ritual for falling asleep every night.

one night when i reached for her, she wasn't there.  i had no idea where she was, she was simply gone.  i was beside myself, made up a story that a fairy king had come during the day and taken her away.  many years later while talking to my mom about her, (my mom was also dying of cancer by that time) she told me she remembered that doll, and had thrown her away because the rubber was beginning to disintegrate.  my mother was a stickler for a clean house - you could never tell there were 3 kids living there.

so, i've always been about touch as something that soothes me, i always make sure that i have a rocking chair, and i've relied on men to make me know that i'm real and solid by getting touched by them.  i began writing about this because i'm wondering if i've come far enough in recovery to be ok on my own once i leave here.  one thing i've always done with my hub has been to make sure i put a hand on him when i go to bed, touch his back or arm just to plant that reality of him being there night after night. 

one boyfriend i had for awhile literally engulfed me in his arms every night, his head on mine.  it took a little getting used to, but once i did, i couldn't remember ever sleeping better, more soundly, feeling safer.  he was a human swaddler, and it must have filled those needs for me.  quite an experience.

i wonder if i have to get a replacement for diane.  she was unceremoniously taken from me, but i never cried, never asked my mom when i was little what happened to her, never made a fuss about it - just made up that story in my head to explain her disappearance.  i feel like crying now.  i was robbed of something extremely precious and meaningful to me.  touch has been my go-to, and i've ended up in bed with plenty of men just for that (i took no pleasure, actually in sex - i was craving the touch).

it will be interesting to see how this washes out when i leave.  i'm scared.

I do understand that drive, that need.

During the years when I had no man at all in my life, my best friend and I both bemoaned how much we missed touch. We both made questionable choices in men, just to feel that touch again. Sometimes, we knew it was a mistake. Sometimes, we (especially I) imagined it was a real relationship just to excuse our going back for more again & again.

That's why it's so sad that I've chosen such a touch-less man for a husband. All touch is initiated by me. ALL. If he walks towards me for a hug when I get home, it's because I've begged again that I NEED that touch. As you said, to feel safe, to feel valued, to feel real - like I actually exist. This has been one of the bigger issues in my marriage.

I can tell you that friends would tease me saying I needed a man or a toy. My first response was, I have a toy, but it can't hug me. Then, I'd laugh and say, now the man... SURE, but where are the ones who don't have to be drunk to hug? We'd all laugh. Later, at home, I'd think about it a lot.

Pets help, but cats don't hug and dogs rarely do. I touch them, to pet them. They don't touch me. It helped, but not enough.

What was one of the best ways for me to cope was to have men who were safely gay or in the friend camp - by THEIR choice. Huggers preferred! Many of my college and young adult years friends were gay (even lesbian as long as they knew I wasn't on the fence) or just friends. One tried to move out of friends camp - before he was even separated - NO!  Anyway, I could hang out, be a great friend to them and allow them to be great friends to me. And, yes, I could get that reassuring touch of hands on shoulders or knees, back rubs, foot rubs and hugs. Those really were some of the best years of my life.

Most of those folks were only part of my life for a season. I miss them. I wonder if my marriage would be better if they were still around. The difference between that and what hubby proposes is that I am not seeking sex, I'm seeking feeling real, belonging, connecting, all that touch does for our souls. Hubby wants sex, if he has to touch to get sex, then he'll touch. But, it's an obligation to him. He loves when I touch him, it does sooth him and help him settle sometimes. Still, he doesn't understand that it is a fundamental need I have. No machine or fake flower is going to replace that need.

Dang, sorry to hijack your thread! Especially your journal. What I do recommend is to allow your daughter to introduce you to people. Make clear that you really are only wanting friendship, but that you are also a hands-on touch-type person.

It won't fix everything, but it can help sustain you while you continue healing. Just coming out of a 12 year relationship is hard enough. Most folks (especially emotionally healthy folks) will appreciate that and give you the space you request. Yeah, finding that fine line between 'some space' and 'isolation' can be a challenge, but you'll have your daughter to help you see if you're drifting away again.

I'm so glad she's in your life. You've been there for her, helped her, taught her and unconditionally loved her. Allow her to expand her role to daughter/friend. It's amazing the relationship that can develop between a mother and an adult daughter when mutual respect and real love are part of the equation.  :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 27, 2017, 01:20:03 PM
i was robbed of something extremely precious and meaningful to me.

I frequently pine for what I called my winky bag. It was a semi-circular bright yellow PVC zip bag with glued-on winking (tilt-it) eyes and mouth on the front. I treasured it because my Dad gave it to me and it wasn't my birthday or anything.  I suppose that was thrown out with everything else when my family migrated. I was 12 and I lost all my stuff, as if childhood was over in one, albeit very long, plane ride.

I've had more pricks than a dartboard, too, and for some reason I feel moved to mention that my first husband was latino. Gutter smart and physically violent. Aaaaargh!

Quote from: Wife#2 on April 27, 2017, 02:01:31 PM
questionable choices in men

Can't imagine what you mean, Wife#2. :wink:

Quotecats don't hug and dogs rarely do.

True, but it occurred to me while reading this post that if I'd still had my dog, H probably wouldn't have got a look-in.

thanks to both of you, once again, for such wonderful support and understanding.

wife2, i totally get that having to make the first move with my hub to get a hug.  he also loves it, but never initiates it.  and with sex off the board for so long, touch of any kind from him is just missing.  i've heard somewhere that we need 13 hugs/day to provide enough skin health, that that's the amount of touch necessary to keep our brains saturated in those feel-good hormones.    wouldn't that be lovely!

and, i think you're right about being in the vicinity of my daughter making a difference to me now.  it might erase that sex/touch-starved gene that poked it's head into my life every so often.   (i used a different word there to name that gene, but then decided it might not be ok.  but, that's what i really meant).

candid, yeah, it sounds like your childhood was simply erased.  horrible feeling that must have been.  ugh!  i've always loved the maleness of latinos, even some of the macho in them, but not the mucho that kind of overrides gentleness.   the streets will do that, for sure.  he's always been wary of me, that i'm trying to manipulate him, or do therapy on him without him knowing, or putting words into his head.  rather paranoid, and certainly lets me know that he doesn't really trust me, never has.  hmmpf!

ever onward, one foot in front of the other.  we're doing this, come * or high water.  i really do think i'm gonna buy myself a sleeping doll.  it may help when i'm on my own.  bring back some warm fuzzies that i'd relied on, and that never let me down.  i like the way that sounds.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 27, 2017, 09:34:41 PM
i really do think i'm gonna buy myself a sleeping doll. 

Good idea.  :thumbup:

very sad day, today.  very emotional night last night with my hub.  he really is a good guy, has a big heart, and has taken care of me the best way he knew how.  he said last night, after i told him i was sorry it didn't work out, that he thinks we just have too very different ways of thinking.  i believe he is correct, and i don't feel the need to  shred him with what i see are his wrongdoings anymore.

talked w/ my daughter today, i'm gonna look into HUD housing or gov't housing for the elderly (balls, it's hard to imagine myself as elderly!  mildly older, maybe, and still with a 27-yr. old spirit.  hard to coordinate all those together).  those will probably be all i can afford, but i'm going to have to be in walking distance of the market cuz i won't have a car.  so, we'll see what i come up with.  she volunteered to take a look at places for me that seem like they might be a good fit.  she's a sweetheart to the core.

so, i have work to do.  this doc appt., by the by, will only be an assessment by my regular ophthamologist  (can't ever spell that word correctly) as to what the stand-in i saw last month noted.  i won't know anything about the possibility, even, of surgery till i see him.  and, if i do need it, who the heck knows how long it'll take to set that up!  so, the waiting game on all sides.  ugh! 

so, low energy today.   i'll get thru this.  lots of stuff going around my brain, which, by the by, is spectacular.  doing it's job, and i can feel it changing.  i love this part.   my daughter said that what i'm attempting to do is huge.  i spose it is, but i can't really think about that or i might falter, and i don't want to do that.  i've never let age stop me before, don't intend to start now.  roger, over and out.  rocket woman.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 29, 2017, 05:31:56 AM
so, the waiting game on all sides.  ugh! 

At least Relationship is looking better, and you can part with "I'll always wish you well". H and I think very differently too. Clashing aspirations and values. But we know we'll always care about each other.

Quotemy daughter said that what i'm attempting to do is huge.

She's right. But when faced with a difficult situation or decision, it's a good idea to leave our age out of the calculations, I think. I don't know how many times I've thought: "Eeek, this might be my last run... No, I'm sure I've got just one more run in me. I must have." I'm sure that will remain my default, that even on my deathbed I'll be thinking: "Well, my next move is gonna surprise a few people!"

Off now to catch up on my Job thread...

hey, candid, good luck with the job scene.

very down today.  it's getting more and more difficult staying here - very stressful, and i'm really feeling that today.  i'm ready to run, but i have to wait till i can save enough money.  that's gonna take quite a few months, i'm afraid.  so, all i can do is make the best of this, drop a 1/2 a xanax every so often, like today, when i can feel the tension just tightening me up.  breathing, etc., doesn't help at times like this.  i'm too wired. 

yeah, it's nice that we're not hostile to each other, he's still willing to help me out, be my interpreter w/ these docs.  but, last nite was a trigger.  he went up to the big town to get another treatment for his eye, was sposed to come back on the earliest bus, then called last night, said he had to talk to a guy 'i'll explain when i get home.  lock the door, i don't know that i'll make it home tonight'.  so, of course, sleeping was bad, and i couldn't help thinking about him being involved in this little 'caper' of his, and this is still part of it.  can't rely on him at all, and that hurts at the same time it ticks me off.

i'm feeling so stuck right now.  i don't want to live this life anymore.  i'm usually so good at being patient, both with myself and with others, but once the dam breaks, i'm done and want action.  this dam has definitely burst, and the water is rising.  i hate this, don't want to be here, don't want to do this.  i can't believe this has happened. arrrrrgh!!!  gotta go get some anger out.  at least the xanax worked so that the tension eased and i'm not paralyzed emotionally.  i'm glad of that. 

Is there any outlet for personal support that you could reach out to in this community,
San?  It must be so hard is you are isolated from contact where you don't have to keep up appearances of otherwise be on guard. :hug:

did some bed pounding and swearing, and that helped.  it was good to get it out.  he came home this afternoon, we talked again, he asked if there was any way this could be fixed.  i told him that all these years i've asked him to look into his issues re: our relationship, and he always came up with excuses, said that i do things my way and he does things his way, or that this is just the way he is and he's gonna live his life out like this.

i told him that all the arguing really wasn't good for me, that i endured it, giving him suggestions for how it could go differently, but he just kept refusing.  told him that i ran across a narrative i wrote about 13 yrs. ago.  i went to see a healer here.  he rubbed arms and legs, basically, but when he touched me, i began sobbing, cried thru the whole thing cuz it was so painful. 

about the 5th day, he told me to stop crying, that giving into it was only making it worse.  the next day i came at him, told him not to tell me that anymore, that i was getting rid of poisons that had accumulated in my body through my tears.  then, he pulled my head to his chest, just embraced me, told me it was ok to cry.  he put his hands on either side of my head and told me something was very wrong with me, some organ inside me was not right.

i know now that what he was feeling was my brain.  i've just recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, but now when i run my hands down my arms, there is very little pain.  i told my hub that, even tho at the time he thought this healer was a quack and i was just throwing my money away, i knew that it was what i needed to do.  i was right, but it was just another of our battles that have gone on all these years.

i also told him that i made myself go thru all those tears, all that pain (10 days) because i knew that ultimately it was what i needed.  what had happened in our marriage was that all the issues we had problems with, i gave him suggestions to go talk to someone, join a support group (like this one), talk to the docs or therapist, someone, but he'd always say - that's the way you do these things.  i do them differently.  he was an adamant 12-stepper at the time, and he thought that's all he needed.

so, now i'm done with the bickering, the arguing, the battling for me to do what i know is best.  i told him i believed it's too late.   he asked me if i wanted to leave here, cuz if i wanted to stay, he'd find someplace to go, let me stay in the house, and he'd still help me.  i told him, yes, i want to leave.  i can't even be outdoors for 5 min. in the summer cuz i get sick from the heat.  can't have the windows open more than a total of about a month out of the year - either too chilly, windy, or hot.  no, i want to be near my daughter now.  something is compelling me to be there for some reason.  don't know what it is exactly, but i don't doubt i'll eventually find out.

so, i wait.  radical, i don't exactly understand what you mean by personal support from this community.  it seems that the people here are very supportive.  my family now.  i've chosen to basically eliminate the friends that i've had who i realized were stress-producing.  yes, it's left me pretty alone, but ok about that cuz the stress is really no good for me.  i just wish i could leave now.  hub said he'll continue to help me, and i'll continue to cook his food, and we're splitting all the costs.  roommates, nothing more.  it's so very sad.  we both had high hopes.

o, and yeah, he and some other guys went looking for the guy who left after buying a stolen car with the bank loan money.   his brother is the one who's in jail, and the other cars are impounded.  i asked how the brother went to jail.  it seems that he decided to take one of the cars out for a spin, got stopped, and the cops discovered it, too, was stolen.  there but for the grace of god - that could've been my hub who'd decided to go for a spin, and been in jail right now.   small miracles.  i'm thankful.  shady dealing, however, and telling me yesterday that he had to 'see a guy' really triggered me back to when he first told me what went down a few days ago.  dang.  i hate this crapola!!!!!     :fallingbricks:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 30, 2017, 12:38:48 AM
i just wish i could leave now. 

Yes, that's what I'm hearing.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on April 29, 2017, 07:34:58 PM
i'm feeling so stuck right now.  i don't want to live this life anymore.

I've been feeling the same way.

Quotethis dam has definitely burst, and the water is rising.  i hate this, don't want to be here, don't want to do this.

I can and will hold on until I've established whether I can find an income and live independently, but I feel your anguish. You need to get out as soon as your eye's better. You want and need to be with your daughter, who's ready to look after you as well as she can while you recover from this latest trauma.

Would you consider Wife#2's suggestion of having forum members fund your escape? I don't know how it works, but you're so very well loved on this forum and I know a lot of us would help if you'd let us.

candid, thank you so much,  this is really touching my heart.  yes, of course i'd accept help.  i don't know how that works.  i don't have any social media stuff, payment options (although i'm sure my daughter does), only one bank acct. in the states.  i looked up the gofundme thing, when wife2 mentioned it, told my daughter about it, she said she has a paypal acct.  that's as far as i got because i don't have one, wouldn't even know how to do that.  i'd need all the money where she is anyway because she and one of her roomies would probably rent the truck and drive it down here, so we're talking about gas, hotels, food for probably 3 days each way, etc.  plus, i need to look into getting an apt. first, last, sec. dep., all that, get a phone, and if i end up in gov't housing, i'd have to find some way to set up the internet, which is done here thru my landline - i have a package where's it's included.  don't have a cell phone - i really live in the dark ages, don't spend a lot of money on me, except for cable (so i can watch my beloved tennis).

so, yes to any help.  this is so touching to me.  i'm not good at self-promotion, asking for funds, stuff like that.  you all are so wonderful to even think of something like this for me, i don't know how to take it all in.  thank you thank you for even suggesting it.  payback would be slow, but i'd certainly send something every month if i don't get inundated by med. bills up there.  i'm so full of gratitude right now, i want to burst, and all that would come out would be fairy dust and flowers surrounding all of you.  a little glitter just to make it fancier.  this is such a wonderful feeling, to even entertain your thinking of me like this.  thank you again.  much love going out to you all.

Come in, Wife#2! We need instructions here.  :cheer:

Count me in as one who would love to help with a gofundme account.  As much as you've done to help me San, I would love to return the favor.  I think it is so brave of you to think of taking this leap to be near your daughter.  I hope everything works out with you medically-sounds quite challenging. :hug:

candid, jd, my heart is overflowing right now.  i can't even take all this in - the tears are starting.  i cried yesterday thinking about this, you darling people being willing to help me.  i can't thank you enough, nor show enough gratitude.  i'm overwhelmed with the goodness of all of you.

my hub is showing the strain of all this, and it hurts to see his eyes.  he's at a loss.  one thing i realized, tho, is that even tho we've been talking about this nearly every day now (and i wish it would stop, it's just so stressful) he's never once said that he wanted to talk to someone, see if he couldn't begin working on his issues, etc.  instead he talked to me about maybe during the winter i could come visit him for a few months so we could spend some time together.  he thinks we'll still have a life together.  i just want to leave all this behind, start fresh, maybe be able to enjoy some golden years after all.  there's nothing gold about this.

is it just me, or is he not 'getting' it at all?  i'm dreading going to see the eye doc with him cuz every time we go up there, we fight/battle/bicker, and it's most unpleasant.  we've never once had a trip up there where it wasn't fraught with tension.  now that he has all these other problems on his plate, (even tho when we go, i pay for everything, cuz he's basically coming along to help me if i get stuck w/ the language) i'm afraid that he'll be even more short-tempered or demanding/commanding toward me.  ugh!  i just want this to be over!!! 

fri. he went up to get his eye worked on, he was supposedly coming home after that, at least that's what he told me.  he changed his mind, went looking for the guy that screwed them over, spent the night going here and there, even different towns.  the upshot is that that guy has several warrants out on him, and has probably fled to guatemala (no extradition). 

so, i spent a sleepless night, he didn't come home till the next afternoon.   i realized that i'd suffered an ef, triggered by his saying 'i don't know for sure when i'll be back - i've gotta go see a guy'.  that's what he'd said the day before he came home and told me what had really been going on behind my back.

he keeps wanting to talk to me about this cuz i'm basically all he's got - his best friend died last nov.  pretty soon i think i'm going to have to tell him that i can't listen to it anymore, he'll have to find someplace else to talk about it.  i've been up since 2 this a.m. (he has to do antibiotic drops every 4 hrs. for his eye for a week, so 2:00 is when the alarm goes off. ) laid in bed for over an hour trying to get back to sleep, but this crapola just keeps running thru my mind.

i'm going to begin calling housing places near my daughter, see what i can find, prices, etc.  some action is warranted now so that i can feel like i'm making progress, even if, heaven forbid, i'm stuck here till next year.  i also want to begin packing my books, little stuff like that, get it started.  little by little so i don't get overwhelmed with a sudden deadline. 

so very sad.  i'd planned to live out my life here.  this is where my heart lived for so very many years, even before i moved here.  it's just crumbling before my eyes.  i've just got to make sure i don't crumble along with it. 

HUGE, Comforting hugs, designed to surround you and provide good, clean, loving air and push out all that stale, hurtful, doubtful air.

The truth about the GoFundMe is that anyone can set it up for anyone, as long as you're honest in the story part. News stations have set them up for families in crisis they covered, so I mean anyone!

Your daughter could set up a GoFundMe about 'My Mom needs surgery, then to come home to the US'. Whatever you think would gain the most interest.

If Kizzie is OK with this, you could get your daughter to provide the link to you for the gofundme site and you could private message it to those of us who WANT to help you NOW, while you need it and when it could do the most good to soothe your worried brow. I just wouldn't share it too much on here, because I do believe you have to provide real names and locations when creating a gofundme account.

I haven't tried to set one up yet, but I've used a March of Dimes account that was set up similarly. We can donate anonymously or let you see our names. You see a ticker that shows how much you requested and how much farther until you reach that goal. In March of Dimes, I could click into that to see who contributed how much (Anon is all the nameless would say).

I'm so excited that you're really thinking of this option! I really believe that you will be shocked at the number of people who know you who will contribute - and will be even more shocked at those who read your story and contribute having never met you before. Because your story is compelling! And who doesn't want to help reunite a mother and daughter, separated by nearly a whole continent and certainly a national border!

I'm so sorry this has been such a hart time for you. The pain, frustration, sadness are more than anyone should have to deal with. I meant when I said that if there was some way to help, I want to help. So, here I am.... offering ideas AND offering to write (what I know about - with a 'sales-pitch feeling') the story synopsis. Sorry about the sales-pitch part, but, I've been told I can do that very well, without getting TOO sappy and I'm willing.

You are in the driver's seat, my friend. This is your life, true. We are glad to be a part of it, true. You DO deserve all these well wishes and offers of help. Yes, you do. Really. I'm serious. You do! Even Mama Bears need help sometimes!

Let's get this rolling.

:bighug: San!

First let me say I am so sorry San for what you are going through.  You are cared about by so many here and I hope that will help you to get through  :hug:   

The notion of GoFundMe has not come up here at OOTS before and as such, we don't have a guideline about it yet.  My inclination though is that it is not something we want to allow here because although we dearly want to help friends, it sets a precedent that I'm not sure is in the best interests of the community in the long term. That said, we have come to know and care about San and so in this one instance please carry on, but I would ask that you would take this off forum now and communicate via PM as Wife#2 has suggested. 

QuoteIf Kizzie is OK with this, you could get your daughter to provide the link to you for the gofundme site and you could private message it to those of us who WANT to help you NOW, while you need it and when it could do the most good to soothe your worried brow. I just wouldn't share it too much on here, because I do believe you have to provide real names and locations when creating a gofundme account.

If you want to be involved in GoFundMe, please email Wife#2/ Sanmagic.  Of course, further posts supporting/encouraging Sanmagic are more than welcome  :yes:

Thanks everyone!

Yes, please instant message us both to move forward helping San.

San, if your daughter is willing, this really could move forward! And, it's time to pull this off the regular board and move this idea/follow-through, etc., onto the private messaging system.

Thank you for the guidance, Kizzie. As always, you are wise and helpful, even if you do sometimes have to remind us that enthusiasm can't replace common sense or the purpose of this site.

HUGS to all! Most especially to San - My heart-sister.

sanmagic  :bighug: to you. Hang in there. You are so brave.

i am moved beyond belief at this outpouring.  more tomorrow.  i have contacted my daughter to see if she's willing to use her paypal system, and will let you know.  a heartfelt thank you to all of you for your thoughts and concerns.  you are in my heart forevermore.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 02, 2017, 03:15:50 AM
i am moved beyond belief at this outpouring.  more tomorrow.  i have contacted my daughter to see if she's willing to use her paypal system, and will let you know.  a heartfelt thank you to all of you for your thoughts and concerns.  you are in my heart forevermore.

As are you in ours, cherished friend.

ok, the pm's have begun, so on to journaling.  these past 2 weeks have been such a roller coaster of emotions, decisions, discoveries, realizations - i'm just working on putting one foot in front of the other. 

my hub and i have been talking a lot about this, of course.  at one end of the spectrum is the love that we have for each other, at the other end is the continued unreliability, bickering, arguing, battling, and his lack of follow-thru.  that's what's let me down the most.  unfortunately, with this last 'caper', and his secrecy about what he was doing in the city last fri. besides getting his eye worked on, the trust is gone.  that's really hard to continue living with.

i began calling housing in ore. yesterday, about 15 places, only got thru to one of them, so more phone work today.  the one i got thru to is a gov't housing building, says there's a year wait, but he's sending an application.  the other places i tried to contact all talked about credit scores.  well, i have none.  haven't used a credit card since i came down here, am paying back my student loans thru my soc. sec., and ran out on other bills when i left.  i don't even want to go there as to what that might mean for me getting a place to live.  ugh!  one more fork in the fire.

i'm beginning to get inundated with  the hugeness of this project.  it's not just a move anymore - there's so much to consider.  it's like whack-a-mole all over again.  but i know it has to be done, and i'm the one who has to do the most of it.  i'll just keep envisioning a little apt. of my own where's there's trees and flowers and lots of green at the end of this road and continue walking it one step at a time, i guess.  i'd love to leave  by june 1.  i'm afraid that's extremely unrealistic, and it'll be more like 6 mos. or so.  can't think about that too much.

have i told all of you today how grateful i am for you?  love and hugs all around.

I don't want to be an ad for that website to check credit that's 'Free, really'. But, it does work and you don't have go be in the US to use it and you can be on computer OR on a smart phone, it works well either way. AND they give recommendations (that's how it's free, the recommendations are paid ads, but also helpful) on how to improve the score. AND, you can get a look at what's on your record right now. You may be pleasantly surprised! Or at least get an idea of a path to improving that number. Anyway, information is power at this stage.

thanks, my dear.  my daughter also told me that i have extenuating circumstances cuz i've been in mexico all these years, haven't used a credit card.  so, along with your suggestions, i'm feeling better about it all.

this thurs. is my reg. doc appt. and i'm gonna ask his opinion on what was written about my eye, see what he says.  maybe i'll find out earlier than the 17th, which would be nice.  i've begun packing my books.  it's weird to look at the shelves and find them mostly empty.  hard to believe i'm leaving this place.

my hub reminded me this morning that when he and i first began getting together, i told him that it had been time for me to leave the states cuz my job there was done.  i'd totally forgotten about it, but i remember it clearly now.  besides running for my life, i knew that there was someone here who needed my help with healing.  it turned out to be both him and me. 

he's now been drug-free for nearly 16 yrs., has the respect back of the community here, some of his kids have now come back into his life, and he has devoted grandkids.   and, he did what i needed him to do to help me get well enough to continue on my way.  we saved each others' lives.  now, however, there are both my daughter and her roomies who need me, he believes, and my going back there is part of all this.  those two man-boys are very damaged by their mother, and i don't doubt the older one has c-ptsd as well. 

so, the journey continues.  we go and be where we are needed most, i think.  different for everyone.  but always just right, even if we're in the midst of there and there.  he and i are sad about the breakup - he admitted last night that he lost me because he didn't live up to his word - and i'll accept that.  so, packing time it is.  moving right along.

Powerful words, sanmagic, and so much self-awareness.  :hug:

You have such a wonderful outlook on all that is going on. I am so proud of you for taking the steps  you need to for you in you life. I am here and encouraging you on this journey  :hug:

Dearest San, you two needed each other. A wonderful feeling. Love grew from there. Another wonderful feeling. But, needing each other is a cruddy reason to start or maintain a relationship. Because there never is a true balance of power or partnership. There is always one whose need is greater at this time, another whose need is greater another time. While in a healthy relationship, that also happens, it's not the same when two damaged people put themselves together.

It isn't with hate that you walk away. It's with change and improved mental and emotional health and with a better understanding of who you are and what you need in this life. He was exactly who you needed for a season. You were exactly who he needed for a season. You can always love him and want what's best for him and also walk away for your own sake.

You've both grown as much as either of you can grow and remain together. You've outgrown each other in a sense. Trying to keep the plant in the small pot will kill it. Let this change be as it must be. In stages, gradually but with a firmness of purpose. Let him know that you still love him, but that you can't allow certain boundaries to be crossed, even by a man you love.

It's OK to mourn the passing of this marriage. IT's OK to mourn the obvious signs that changes are coming. It's OK to be sad, nostalgic and even melancholy from time to time as this change approaches. It's a big change! So, touch the shelves that are now empty. Smile or shed a tear as you heart feels. Give yourself permission to feel it all. The love, the sadness, the anger (that it had to end), the happiness (at adventure, seeing your daughter), the relief, the frustration. It's all part of being the full human being that is SanMagic7.  :bighug:

blueberry and elphanigh, your support is, as always, most welcome and encouraging to keep up the strength i need for this to happen. 

wife2, yes, exactly.  we needed each other for a season, and both recognize that season has come to an end.  we will part with love and sadness, but also with a knowing that we have done truly remarkable things for each other and ourselves. 

i do believe life is a journey.  it has stops and starts, twists and turns.  there is muck, potholes, bumps, and sometimes even mountains to climb.  but there are also green fields, flowers, sunrises, and sure footing.  rainbows following a thunderstorm.  both stark and lush beauty.

people come and go for various reasons.   i am ending one adventure, hoping to start another.  when, how soon, i don't know.  i just found out that gofundme is not supported in mexico, so it looks like that avenue has been eliminated for me.  there will be another way.  i have faith.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on May 02, 2017, 01:29:40 PM
... this last 'caper', and his secrecy about what he was doing in the city last fri.

That's a great shame, given the love you have for each other. I'm sure you must feel very torn. :bighug:

thanks, candid.  it's one of the reasons i want to leave as soon as i can.  it's so difficult emotionally.

today, i'm just very tired, weary, really.  so much mental gymnastics yesterday, plus continuing to pack.  i can only do a bit at a time as it is, but it wears me out. 

i'm re-thinking this eye doc appt.  maybe it's just my tired mind.  gotta think on it more.  my ins. is up june 1 here, would cost me another $500 to renew for another year (have i already said this?  i can't keep track anymore.  just thoughts swirling that i want to write down) and i'd rather save that money for my trip, so i'll be without health ins. starting next month.  that's part of the reason i wanna get out of here, too.  they can't really help me anymore, even tho i have all those tests scheduled for sept.  i hope to be gone by then.

just too tired.  take care, everyone.

dealt with a lot of mental and physical stuff yesterday.  it looks like ex #1 is gonna help me by driving me and my stuff up to ore. if i or actually my hub can find someone with a truck big enough to get my stuff from here across the border.  he couldn't find anyone he knew yesterday, so that's on hold for right now.  hopefully, we'll get this settled today, and i can tie up the loose ends about where to meet my ex so we can get this show on the road as soon as possible.   he's been a much better ex than he ever was a husband.  go figger!

this is such the mexican way - no one knows anything (i don't mean to be racist, but i've been told this, that, or the other is gonna happen, and it just doesn't.  been through this sooooo many times since i've been here.  maybe it's just cuz of my hub - that's always a possibility.  i can't believe anything he says until i actually see it happen.)

so, i just keep putting things in crates, thinking about where this or that is, don't want to forget various things that i have stored around here.  i believe that if i leave it behind, i'll never see it again.  hub has talked about possibly renting our house out after i leave, says if he does he'd send me half the money.  i'll believe that when i see it.  he just really doesn't follow thru on what he says.

i did a variation on gofundme in an email to family, friends, and colleagues on the emdr listserve network i belong to.  we'll see if anything comes of that.  as far as anyone on this forum who'd wish to contribute, p.m. me, and i'll give you the address where to send the check, and my daughter's name to write the check out to.  no obligation, no expectation, no judgment.  you are all dear to me no matter what.

time to cook hub's food for the day.  i don't think i'm going to keep that eye doc appt.  when i get up there, everything will have to be done all over again anyway.  not going will save me an entire day of traveling, waiting,  and the stress that goes with it.  at this point, my focus is on getting out of here.

one foot in front of the other.  the crates are waiting.

One foot in front of the other is about all we can muster in some tough situations, but it's enough; one step at a time will get you out of there.  Sending much support, care and encouragement your way San  :hug:  x 10

thanks so much, kizzie.  right now it sure doesn't feel like it, but i know that what you say is true.

i said good-bye to some people today at the clinic.  very sad.  good people who have been in my life and helped me over the years with one illness and another. 

the coordination with getting my stuff up across the border is at a standstill right now.  it's like being promised so much, getting excited about it, then boom!  nothing happens.  the stress of this is getting to me physically, too, as well as through my brain and mind.  i was hoping to bring some of my mind-relaxing meds over thru the mail, but there's no guarantee that the package won't be opened at the border, so i could get nailed for controlled substances.    plus, i have a lot of vitamins and supplements that i've just opened not too long ago, and i've already lost a bunch in the past by not having them sealed in their bottles.  busted at the border for vitamins!  that was a horrific day!

all these little things are adding up.  my heart has been in this little town for more than 45 yrs.  it was my dream to settle down with my love and live here, die here.  at least i got part of that dream (altho it was with a different love).  but it's not what i was hoping for.  dagnabit! 

now the idea that i have to drive up to and over the border with some stranger scares me.  i've lost my trust, found my fear, and the combo isn't doing me any good at all.   i'm becoming a nervous wreck.  my hub keeps telling me not to worry about it, that he'll take care of it all, but that's not reassuring anymore.  his first attempt turned up absolutely nothing. 

then, this morning, i got a response from someone on the emdr list chewing me out for using the list inappropriatlely, and possibly reporting me to the moderator (i actually included the moderator in my plea).  that didn't feel good, either.  and my daughter told me that there are only  2 seats up front in a tuck in case she and her roomie end up being the ones to come get me.  that doesn't leave any room for me to go back with them.  another glitch to be dealt with.

one step in front of the other.  keep packing.  it'll happen.  i've just gotta keep telling myself that.  it's getting harder instead of easier.  why is that?  i thought it would be the other way around, i'd be singing while i'm packing, anticipating the day i get out of here.  that day's getting more shadowy right now.

the doc this morning asked what i was going to do without having health insurance after this month.  i told him i was going to live or i was going to die.  he did explain what the ophthalmologist had written for me.  i was right.  retina is 20% detached and cataract is forming.  the good thing is that neither will require immediate surgery, but will require surgery down the road.  one bright? star in a sea of ugh.   big sigh.

the frustration is building at the lack of anything definite.  this was all good when i would come here for vacation or fun and games, but living with this daily is a whole 'nother story.  my ex is beginning to champ at the bit, my hub is on my back to 'keep packing'.  people, i'm doing the best i can with no timeline, no deadline, nothing solid.  ugh!

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

I can really relate. Packing and getting on with something major (like going away for inpatient treatment) does my head in and sends me in a panic spin. I don't want to think what would happen if I had to move. Also it's really hard, when people say they'll help or provide this or that and then they don't after all... I find that very frustrating.
I don't have a solution, so I'll send good thoughts.

the hugs and good thoughts are invaluable at this time, blueberry.  ever so many thanks.  xanax and the support of everyone here is the only thing getting me thru this.  i'm still packing.

it looks like i'll be moving on wed.  at least it will be the first part of the trip - getting me across the border.  how the rest of it goes, i'm not sure, but i can only have faith that it will happen.

there is a great possibility that i won't be able to take all my stuff, which is heartbreaking, but just may not be able to fit it all in the vehicle which has become available.  so, pick and choose.  it will be nothing that can be shipped, so it will be simply left behind.  pieces of me that i've used and enjoyed, bought and paid for (like this computer desk).

more losses on top of what's already going on.  this is the most difficult move i've ever made, from the logistics to the coordination to the physicality of it.  my other moves were mostly clothes and toiletries - i hadn't accumulated furniture, or, when i left my family, i left the entire house behind. 

i will be so glad to leave, and so heartbroken at the same time.  just last night was another indication of why my hub and i couldn't make it together.  he's been wonderful with helping me, finding a friend who'll take me where i need to go for the first leg of my trip, but we have never been on the same page communication-wise.  since that has always been a very precise area for me, and he just throws out the words/phrases he thinks fits the occasion, we've never jelled.  it's just too hard.

so, after wed., i will be gone from here for who knows how long.  nothing is settled, nothing is worked out past my getting to the coast in the u.s.  after that, it's all out of my hands.  i'll miss you all, but i know you're all on this journey with me.  thank you.  love and hugs.

 :bighug: I'll miss you too. Will look forward to you being somewhere more settled and coming back to post with us.
Until then, tons of good thoughts on getting out of where you are and to where you need to be, and taking those things that mean most to you.

thanks with tears in my eyes.  my heart is bursting.

The best is often enough  :hug:

being so used to not quite the best, the best will be more than enough, blackbird.  thanks!  hugs.

this will probably be my last entry till i get out of this hellhole and in my daughter's place.  thank you all for everything.  i'm on the verge of insanity - too much b.s. in less than 2 short weeks has me spinning.  this was the love of my heart - now it's so changed, everything's so different, i barely recognize it anymore.  now i hate it and nearly everyone here.  love and hugs all around.   adieu!

Until we see you again! Hugs to you. I'll be looking for you.

just want to let you all know i'm here, i'm safe, and you were in my thoughts all the way and helped me get thru it all.  i could feel you.  thanks.   more when i get settled a bit more.  love and hugs.

 :cheer:

Thanks for letting us know, San.  :hug:

Don't know how many times I've packed up, thrown out, and done a runner. Enjoy it if you can, this time of uncertainty leading to a new beginning, knowing lots of people love you and wish you well.

 :cheer:   :cheer: sanmagic all the best for the next while too, while you find your feet, settle in and all that

Quote from: Candid on May 14, 2017, 08:45:13 AM
Thanks for letting us know, San.  :hug:

Don't know how many times I've packed up, thrown out, and done a runner. Enjoy it if you can, this time of uncertainty leading to a new beginning, knowing lots of people love you and wish you well.

:yeahthat:   Love to you, friend! I know there is still a lot to do. We're still here rooting, praying, cheering, for you - however we are led!

bureaucracy sucks!  i'm exhausted, run down, and all the triggers of having to talk about the house i don't have anymore to the DHS overwhelmed me, started sobbing, my daughter had to finish talking to the guy.  dang! 

 :bighug:  :bighug: :bighug:

hoping to be able to start a new journal soon.  waiting for a background check - if all's ok, i'll have a cute little room of my own in someone's home.  more later.  wish me luck! 

Wishing you LUCK and sending lots of love and hugs to you.

Wishing you lots of luck and sending you  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Oh for a room of one's own!! You're doing well, San.  :hug: