Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Armee]

Everything fatigue is definitely real and overwhelming. Especially with all you have on your plate. I hope you can find a way to get some time for yourself so it isn't all quite as overwhelming.

[Hope67]

Hi Alliematt,
I agree with Armee, 'everything fatigue' is really tough, definitely real and overwhelming, and I also hope you are able to find a way to get through all of it. 
Hope 

[alliematt]

I am recovering from a cold. I think the big temperature swing we had where I live over the weekend hit me hard. Today I feel better,probably thanks to Nyquil, but I still feel so much on my plate. I updated my file called "the plate" (as in "too much on my . . .") and it's up to three pages. I have eight major headings and several things under each heading (think outline). Right now, all I want to do is sit on the couch and watch TV and eat chocolate.

[alliematt]

There are two things my mother said to me that I can't get out of my head.

One was where I *seriously* violated the page limit on a term paper I wrote (the teacher gave me a decent grade anyway) and when I said to my parents that I didn't think the page limit worked for the topic I picked, we started getting into a discussion that turned heated, and at one point my mother said, 'You go on and on!"

The other is when I'd had a very bad week at school, part of it involved my parents pulling me off the bus after getting bullied. I can't remember what I was I said or did, but my mother took me into the dining room, turned off the TV, and started the lecture with, "Everyone makes mistakes!" She went on and at one point she said something about me not being crazy (again, I cannot remember the exact context or if that was the word she used). It took all my courage to say, "That's what I'm afraid of," (me being or going crazy), and she yelled back, "That's all I ever hear from you! I'm afraid, I'm afraid, I'm afraid!"

I can't get those out of my head. Regarding the last one, yeah, I WAS afraid! There was a lot to be afraid of at that period in time; especially after dealing with school bullies for 12 years! This was also when the OCD had started, and I told no one that I was thinking swear words and other pretty disgusting thoughts. My mother's main method of discipline was yelling and lecturing, and it really didn't help me at all.  I wish she'd given my sister and me some concrete consequences.

I think that's one reason my son tries my patience at times; I do NOT want to yell or lecture him like my mother did me; and it takes a lot of mental energy to figure out how to explain to him things he needs to know or how to respond to him when he says something to me that I don't quite understand.

It sounds awful to say that my mother was a critical beast. More and more, I'm wondering how much of her behavior had to do with me and how much did it have to do with other things going on in her life.

[alliematt]

Last Monday I did something that was very surprising to me.

I spoke at a press conference.

Before any of you get excited, no, this was not on the national news or even on the local news; it might have been on our PBS channel's daily wrap up of the legislative session. There was a mention about the conference in some of the local papers (not our major papers, more of the small regional types.)

I was encouraged to attend by a fellow special needs parent. He has an adult son with a severe brain injury. He organized the conference along with one of our state senators. In my state, we have a LONG waiting list of people who need services and very few people who get the funding for them yearly. The state senator has a bill with a plan to fund the waiting list over the next five years. 

So I went on Monday. I took our public transport system downtown to the Capitol. What was cool was that five other members of my church showed up: two elders and three staff members; one of whom is our pastor. The person who organized the press conference spoke, his wife spoke, one disabled person spoke, the state senator spoke, my pastor spoke (and by the time he got done, I hope the toes of some lawmakers were hurting because he stepped on them.)

I toyed with the idea, "Do I say something? Yes? No?"

And then I finally asked, "May I?" walked up to the mike, and told the people gathered there about my son.I said he worked, and that there were many people with disabilities who could and did and wanted to work, they pay taxes, what better way to invest in the system? I also pointed out, that still doesn't answer the question, what happens when my husband and I aren't able to care for our son anymore?

About three caregivers spoke up after I did.

Sunday, in Sunday School class, our pastor talked about that press conference . . . and pointed out what I did. I had *no idea* he was going to mention that. He had said to me after that conference, "I am so proud of you!"

I think I can be proud of me too. I also think so many other people deserve credit, especially the people that organized the conference to begin with.

Here's the funny:  I smugly told my pastor that I took public transport downtown.

On the way back, I forgot to switch trains and didn't realized it for about two-three stops!

So I backtracked and got to where I needed to go.

Dinner that night was takeout food. 

[CactusFlower]

Congrats! That was very brave of you and you spoke out on such an important thing. Sounds like you inspired some others to speak up as well.  I hope his bill passes for the funding. It sounds like it would help a lot of people.

[Hope67]

Hi Allie,
I also think you were very brave to do that, and am glad it went well.
Hope 

[alliematt]

Having a period of time where I want to take my husband and son and either hide out in an RV or on some sort of compound where we can be hermits. I'm probably letting current events get to me again. I was also sick with a cold last week and I don't know if it's lingering or if my head is too much into social media.

[alliematt]

Today I just want out. I've gained weight, I feel ashamed of my body,, I can't push myself to go to the gym, and I'm suffering from a bad case of overwhelm. When I say, "I want out," I mean something like running away from home, moving someplace else, travel in the RV . . . My logical brain tells me that that won't solve any problems. But right now, I just dont' want to listen to my logical brain.

[alliematt]

Sleeping too much, sitting around too much, today feel sad and maybe I need a good cry. Too alone. Can't even bring myself to fold laundry.

[Not Alone]

I hear how heavy life is for you right now. I'm sorry it's so hard.

I know this is a month old, but I'm catching up on reading journals. I am proud of you for taking public transportation (and figuring out what to do when you missed your stop) and for speaking at the press conference. Yea for you!

[alliematt]

I hear how heavy life is for you right now. I'm sorry it's so hard.

I know this is a month old, but I'm catching up on reading journals. I am proud of you for taking public transportation (and figuring out what to do when you missed your stop) and for speaking at the press conference. Yea for you!

You are welcome.

[alliematt]

Last week I did some venting on Facebook.

I found out, between them and the ladies in my Bible study class, that I have a lot of boosters.

That helps.  That is something good I can share.

[Armee]

That's wonderful Allie!

[alliematt]

I chimed in this morning on a social media thread about bullying, saying that I was told 1) ignore bullies, and 2) you will be the one punished if you fight back.

A response I got was, I never had a bully continue to bully me after I stood up to them, and I never cared if I got in trouble, either. Better than living in fear.

When I mentioned that I was six years old when that happened, and that was how the little girl in me reacted, I was told, My earliest memory of standing up was age six.

I was also told, you don't get handed courage. You find it.

I have not responded, but you know what I want to say to that person?  Good for you! I'm glad you found your courage and stood up to your bullies? But guess what? Not everyone can say that. I feel slapped in the face because I DID live in fear. It carried over to college and made me a target for a cult. It's only been in the last few years that I've been able to say, people like me and I am likeable.

No one bullies me anymore and I'm grateful for that. That doesn't mean the wounds aren't still there, and I resent the implication that I could have done something about it if I'd just "found courage" and stood up to my bullies. That's very hard to do when it's not just one bully, it's a group of bullies. And what do you do when it's multiple types of bullying?  Not just being shoved down or having your stuff stolen and hidden from you (once I had my shoes stolen and put in a garbage can), but it's also the embarrassing questions that no matter what you say, you're going to lose either way.

It's also being asked, what are you studying in your quiet times (a period of prayer and Bible study)? And if you aren't, you get asked why. It's also being asked, how many people did you invite to church/Bible study/events? Who are you studying the Bible with? How many people have you converted? If not, why haven't you? Maybe your conversion wasn't valid if you're not doing all that stuff. And by the way, you're supposed to do it all because you love God, not because I tell you to; but if you don't do it, I will make sure you feel guilty about it so that next time I ask you, you'll say, yes, I did this stuff . . . and then I get to make you feel even more guilty when I ask you, are you doing it for God or are you doing it for me? Because if you're not doing it for God, you're not doing it for the right reason and it's not going to count.