Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

I'm still in my pj pants and have been doing nothing but scrolling and playing on my various electronic devices, even though I need to get dressed and there's work to be done. What in the (bad word) is wrong with me?  Part of it is that I haven't slept well; I finally got some semi-decent sleep with the help of melatonin.

My son needs a doc's appointment for a toe with a fungal infection; I am seeing three professionals this week; my blood pressure and blood sugar are too high, and there are  just too many things going on in the world. I would rather curl up under the covers.

[Armee]

Curling up under the covers sounds so much better!

[alliematt]

I was on prednisone last week and I'm sure that contributed to my lack of sleep and nasty mood. (My urologist put me on it hoping to help my bladder pain.) This week I was sick with a virus and I finally recovered today. And this morning I got to fill out two questionnaires for my psychiatry appointment next week. My anxiety score is up and my depression score is up. I am not surprised. Between prednisone and current events, they've wreaked havoc on me.

[dollyvee]

Hi allie,

I've just started reading your journal and haven't got all the way caught up. Living with chronic pain and health issues is really tough and I'm sorry you're having to go through that. It always feels like you're in a deficit against everyone else.

I've been dealing with some health stuff over the past few years and finally got to the bottom of it and found my issue is mold and mycotoxins, and that my body can't excrete them properly. Around 25% of people have this. I've been reading Toxic by Neil Nathan and they mention bladder issues quite a bit as some of the symptoms, which I also have. Anyways, I just thought I'd mention it as OCD is also a symptom and no doctor really knows about this stuff or that it could be a root cause for a lot of issues.

Hope things get a bit easier for you.
dolly

[alliematt]

I feel so totally defeated today. I actually started asking the question on social media, would it be worth it to even think about moving to Canada?

The answer I'm getting is along the lines of, your ages and your son's disability will work against you.

When I leaned one way politically, the other side seemed to be winning all the time. Now that I'm leaning the other way politically, again, the other side seems to be winning all the time. It reminds me of my school days. The bullies won the day they drove me off the school bus in the 12th grade. I'm nearly 60 and I still remember that.

And there's always health issues, political issues, religious issues, dealing-with-my-son issues, and just day to day living. I'm putting off my last proofing job until I get back from a physical therapy appointment (I'm getting work done on my pelvic floor muscles.) My son has an appointment next month for a psychological assessment to see if he qualifies for SSI. (I have been told it's common for an application to be denied on the first round.) Son is capable of working and has a job, but he does not want to work because he'd rather stay home and watch his shows. That is not an option as far as his father and I are concerned.

Just too much.

[Hope67]

Hi Allie,
I just wanted to wish you the best for your physical therapy appointment and hope that it goes ok. 

Hope 

[alliematt]

The PT is going OK.

But I had bloodwork done Monday, results came back today . . . they are in Type 2 diabetes territory and I feel so ashamed of myself. It's a disease of lifestyle and I eat too much wrong and exercise too little.

I did make an appointment before I left the doc's with their diabetes specialists that come in on Tuesdays. I think I will see them in mid-August. (I made the appointment before the bloodwork came back and I guess it's a good thing I did.)

[Blueberry]

  Alliematt. It may be a disease of lifestyle but eating disorders are a pretty common comorbidity with cptsd. Of course it's good to try for healthier eating and more exercise but that may be something your particular brand of cptsd is making really difficult for you. Recently I had a breakthrough of healthier eating along with a reduction in my anxiety around even basic cooking which in turn releases energy and helps me to eat more healthily, and this all seemed to come out of nowhere! It certainly did not come from me telling myself I should do better or from me feeling ashamed. No, it was more like something else healed within the cptsd conglomeration and - hey presto - no urge to eat sugary or fatty foods. At least for a week anyway...

[alliematt]

Well, after wallowing in shame for a couple of days, I kept testing my blood sugar and it is not as scary as it was a few days ago. Now I'm contemplating writing an eulogy for my addiction to Reese's Minis and peanut butter M&M's. 

We had dinner guests last night and the wife brought some keto-friendly chocolate cookies because she knew they wouldn't mess with my blood sugar. I thought that was very considerate of her!

[alliematt]

I deliberately did not take any work this week because this was my schedule:

1. Monday, I finished copy editing work for a friend who paid me for it.
2. Tuesday, I had a meds consult with my GYN and then my counseling session.
3. Wednesday my son had a psychological evaluation as part of his application for SSI.
4. I need to get dressed for a chiropractic appointment and then later, take my son to the naturopath.
5. Tomorrow I have PT for my pelvic floor.
6. And Saturday, I have a pancake breakfast at church.

I had a politically based discussion with my husband the other night, and I'm now sorry I did. Right now we're not on the same page politically and it's painful for me. My husband is not critical of me, but sometimes I really do think he thinks he knows it all and no one can tell him anything. (This is a fault he is aware of.)

This is an "It's too much" week. I can give myself credit for not working because there is no way I could fit work into this schedule!

[Hope67]

Hi Alliematt,
Wow, you had a big schedule, and I think it's great that you put a limit on taking on anymore. 
Hope 

[alliematt]

I survived that big schedule; now have a "smaller schedule" (only three doc's appointments this week and I''ve had one already." But I made the mistake of opening up a political discussion with my husband that didn't go well and I'm just not happy. It seems like people lie all the time (I'm not accusing my husband of lying; I can trust him) and it just seems impossible to figure out who lies and who tells the truth. I just don't see things getting any better. And now I have to organize my food around Type 2 Diabetes (I just got put on Metformin and I think it's helping), I made an appointment to see about dermatitis on my leg which is NOT getting any better, and I'm afraid the doc will tell me there's nothing he can do for me. I'm so tired of doctors, illnesses, politics, strife . . . I also took my son for an assessment for SSI and have no idea when or if that will be approved; I think he thinks that once he gets Social Security, he won't have to work anymore . . . and he is perfectly capable of working. I'm so tired of autism. I'm so tired of not being normal. I've had days where I've wanted to know, "WHY did people pick on me? What did I do that was so horrible that people picked on me?" Even a little girl that was part of a family that lived next door to my great-aunt; I was visiting her and we ended up playing together; her and her siblings . . . and suddenly, she decided to start pushing me down the hill in their yard.  What did I do? I don't know. Was I weird? Why did they do this to me?

It is impossible to know anymore what truth is. Everyone believes they're right and can prove it. And I don't debate well, especially with my husband on history and politics, and he can come off like he knows it all. With the Bible, I feel like I have to know all the Biblical languages fluently and have a thorough knowledge of Biblical culture before I can say what it "really" means.

I keep complaining that I am overwhelmed and exhausted. I don't know what can be taken off my plate. Autism, debt, politics, current events, illness, keeping up a house, questions about God.

[alliematt]

My son made me laugh this morning. That brought me out of my funk.
But to make a very long story short, after an ENT appointment, shopping, and nearly two hours on the phone trying to get my son's new iPhone set up . . . I'm pooped!!

[Armee]

Anybody would be pooped after all that!!!

[Hope67]

Hi Alliematt,
Nice that your son made you laugh. 

I agree, anyone would be pooped after doing all those things.



Hope