Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Not Alone]

I'm glad that you received a reply.

[alliematt]

This morning I read the term "allostatic load" and I think I may have it. Apparently it's the term for when one thing piles onto another onto another onto another . . .

We've all had it since March 2020, I think.

Let's see . . . Maybe this is me drowning and wallowing in self-pity.  But I can name:

• Being bullied from first to twelfth grade
• Spiritual abuse in college
• A couple of bad roommate situations along with developing health problems AND a brief bad job situation
• Chronic health concerns
• Dad got ALS and died four weeks before my wedding
  
• Bad church situation at the same time that lasted for five and a half years
• Moving, husband having a hard time finding job
• Infertility problems
• Husband losing job during pregnancy
  
• Unexpected but necessary C-section
• Child diagnosed with autism
• Tried and failed to finish school
• Debt
• Church problems AGAIN with people leaving
• COVID
• Racial and political strife
• NO TIME TO WRITE FICTION!

And today, I'm at page 143 of a 328 page job due by 3 p.m.

Sheesh, no wonder I'm overwhelmed. Maybe all of that proves a diagnosis of C-PTSD.

I'm sure I'll feel better once I get this job done.

[alliematt]

I had what I call a "sluggish depression" yesterday, where I didn't feel like doing anything. So I didn't. Except for a proofing job; I did a little bit over half of that and will finish that today. I'm guessing that the events of the world are taking their toll on me, as they are on everyone.

Today I will finish my job, I might be able to take another one . . .and then I am taking Thanksgiving off.  Happy Thanksgiving for those of you who are celebrating. (I'm in the USA.)

[Armee]

The events of the world feel harder to take this week.

[Papa Coco]

Agreed.  To me the world feels like a rat cage that has gotten too populated and we're starting to eat each other alive. After Friday's news, I've been forced to shut off the news again, and stop looking at Facebook again. The second I see the violence my heart starts to burn. It hurts too much for me to feel that way. Instead, I'm spending more time praying in silence for inner peace, practicing Mindfulness Meditations, and focusing on wherever I can find love. I'm no longer a religious person, but I believe now, more than ever, that our inter-connection goes beyond biology. Somehow we're all connected through some kind of greater consciousness. Somehow, I truly do believe, that if more of us focus on the good, and pray for peace at our own level, that somehow we can spread that peace beyond ourselves.

I have a story: In the middle 1990s I got the chance to meet Dr. Wayne Dyer in person. I didn't really know who he was, but he was giving a talk in town, and I had some time to kill, so I went to see him. I got the chance to talk with him before his presentation. When he shook my hand I felt the weirdest, most amazing sensation of unmatched peace I've ever felt--before or since. It started at my hand and as I held onto him and talked, I felt that peace moving up my arm. By the time I let go of him my entire right arm was nearly numb with calm, warm, peaceful sensation. I naively wondered if he knew that he gave off so much peace. 

When he took the stage he talked about how much time he spends praying for (meditating on) pure peace. Then he told a story of driving through his hometown of Florida and coming across a gang fight that was just about to begin. He stopped his car, walked into the middle of the group and just stood there meditating on pure peace. He said both gangs slowly put down their weapons and eventually walked away.  I wasn't sure I believed his story, but after experiencing so many inexplicable connections since, I've come to believe he was telling the truth. Peace, when it's really, truly experienced, is more powerful than violence. I don't plan to ever walk into a gang fight, (LOL), but I truly believe that if thousands of us meditate on peace for even a few minutes a day, that somehow it will effect the world around us in a positive way.  But you know what? Even if I'm crazy, and totally wrong, only good will come to me by meditating on (or praying for, or whatever we choose to call it) on peace. At least I'll get some personal benefit, and perhaps if I can reach a peaceful demeanor it will spread to the people I'm close to. Until I feel strong enough, I'm OFF LINE with the world news. I simply can't survive the hate and fear and injustice and gunslinging and bullying that we're witnessing in the world right  now.

[alliematt]

Papa Coco, you have to practice self-care and it sounds like you are doing the right things for yourself.

I'm about to get to work on another proofreading job and I'm asking myself, what's wrong with me that I don't feel like doing this? It occurs to me that there's nothing so much "wrong" with me as there is, I'm feeling the effects of so much that has happened; not just in my own life but especially in the last year and a half; I also deal with my son's issues (for those of you who don't know, he's autistic) and that makes it harder.

I'm not in the, "I'm depressed and angry and want to jump off a cliff" stage. I'm in the, "I don't like what's going on and want to escape but I can't," stage. 

(CN: Race, violence)
We have a very racially charged trial in my state that just went to jury deliberations. I'm concerned about the outcome. If it goes a particular way, there are places I plan to stay away from because of the possibility of violence.)

[alliematt]

(Just a note:  The racially charged trial verdict did NOT result in violence, for which I am thankful.)

I have a call in to Social Security regarding my son.  I'm trying to apply for SSI for him and I don't even know if I'm going about it the right way.  In fact, when I left my message, I pressed "pound" and got several other options of "what to do" that make me wonder if my message even got left! Whenever I leave a voice mail, I don't want to just "hang up" unless the recording says I can.

I should not be having to do this. My son should be driving, dating, holding a job, earning a living . . . and I have to make sure that's he's provided for because he' can't provide for himself. And it's exhausting to explain to him why he needs to work, why he needs to budget, why he needs to do this, that, and the other thing . . .

I've been feeling depressed for the last couple of days. I'm regularly testing my blood sugar and it's high to high normal; the idea of figuring out how and what to eat is also overwhelming to me. And I can't even get time to exercise, which would help my sugar. Night before last, I had planned to get up at 5 a.m. Ended up getting up at 7 a.m. And felt guilty.

My husband got a bonus. It went to pay debt. I'm glad the debt's going down, but why couldn't we have used the extra money to do something nice for ourselves?

We've lost people at our church and our giving's dropped by 21%. Several people who've left were big givers. I'm very angry at the political/social climate that people in general exploit to cause division, even in the church.

My husband wants me to delegate stuff to him, but if I do (other than laundry, dishes, and much of the cooking), he ends up asking me so many questions about "how do I do this?" that it's easier to end up doing it myself!

I was dreaming weirdly last night: dreamt that I needed to take one more class in order to graduate (a commonly recurring motif), tried to arrange housing for only a month because for some weird reason, the class only lasted a month), found out I couldn't, needed to go back home. . . . all of this weird stuff that I'm sure is my brain trying to work things out at night!

[alliematt]

I have a suspicion that part of my mood yesterday was due to the fact that I did not have my estrogen patch on! 

Today is somewhat better since I've fixed that.

[alliematt]

Back down in the depression cycle, and I think it's just because I want my pre-COVID life back. My son seemed happier and while we were upset about politics, it hadn't gotten quite to the level that it has now. People are so angry at each other, and I don't see anything getting better.

[Armee]

 

It's painful to watch.

And I'm very sorry your son is not as happy. That's hard as a mom.

[alliematt]

My son doesn't want to work. That's his main thing. He'd rather stay home and play with the electronics, and that's not an option. He's capable of working and he is going to work. I Sound like a mean mom but sometimes I feel like a mean mom.


I'm just plain overwhelmed, as per usual.   I deliberately didn't take any work yesterday or today and will probably take only one job for Christmas. I have praise team rehearsal tonight for our Christmas Eve service.

And shall I give you the list of physical things I have to deal with? Chronically painful bladder, upper back pain (mostly from the computer), sleep apnea, possible adrenal fatigue, and now lower-leg dermatitis which may be due to poor circulation. My left leg looked bad but my right leg was okay . . . and now my right leg is starting to look as bad as my left leg. I'm supposed to be wearing support hose, and I don't know if they're not allowing my legs to breathe or not. The bladder problem I've had for 30 years. There's no cure.

We have debt (I just balanced the books up to today). I have been playing telephone tag with social security trying to get questions answered about my son's SSI application. We've lost church members, and that's our second family.  That hurts. And there are places in politics my husband and I don't agree on, and I don't talk about it much because I can't debate well. Same with my BFF and religion. There are subjects I just won't discuss because I know we don't agree and she's a better debater. (I'm supposed to be "into the Bible" but trying to actually study it like a scholar has left me exhausted over the past couple of years.) I can't read or listen to everything everyone wants me to read/listen to. I would like to run away from home but that is just not an option.

[Hope67]

Hi Alliematt,
Hope you're ok, you've got a lot going on at the moment, and I wanted to wish you well.  I'm sorry to hear about your physical pains, and I hope that you're able to get some relief from them.  It must be really hard to cope with all of that.   

I don't think you sound like a mean mom, you sound like a concerned and caring mom to your son. 

Hope 

[alliematt]

I'll just make it short: I have "everything fatigue". 

[alliematt]

Woke up in a bad mood and I'm still not sure why. Didn't feel like cooking so asked after church to get dinner out. Afraid I can't afford it. I think I may still be dealing with "everything fatigue":  COVID, debt, current events, health problems, son's autism, mental health problems. Why can't I get past all of this?

[alliematt]

I'm suspecting that I may not have changed my estrogen patch on Saturday evening.  I don't *know* if I did or didn't, and I don't want to put too much estrogen in my system. My scheduled days for using the estrogen cream and patch are Saturdays and Tuesdays. If I can hold on until Tuesday (and I'm sure I can) I can use cream and patch and I'll see how that affects me.  This is one reason I'm reluctant to get off of hormones; I am not a pretty sight when I'm off them.