Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[Blueberry]

Here are some more hugs     

It sounds as if you could be in an EF. Sometimes it helps me to take active steps to get out of it and sometimes it helps me to lie low and ride it out. So when I lie low, I try and do self-soothing and nurturing things - that tends to help when I believe something. In other forms of EF e.g. frightened of something concrete or hopping mad about something, then active steps are more helpful. That may not apply to you of course.

[alliematt]

Depressed all day.  And ashamed of myself for feeling depressed.

[Sceal]

Aww. It sounds like you could need a hug.
If it's okay, I'd love to give you a big, warm hug. 

[DecimalRocket]

It's okay to be depressed. I promise that. 

[alliematt]

I've been sick for a week with the flu.  And now my husband has been furloughed. 

I don't know what I believe.  I don't know what it is I'm supposed to believe, either.  I wonder if I even know who I am anymore.  I can't figure out who's telling the truth and who's lying.  People take facts and twist them for their own agendas.  And when all else fails, the people who scream the loudest and throw the biggest tantrums get their own way.

[DecimalRocket]

I'm sorry to hear what happened, Allie, getting sick and confused of life.

Clarity comes best when you're rested, so take care of yourself. It's a suggestion — but separating first hand experience with second or third hand experience allows some clarity for me.

[sanmagic7]

awww, allie, i hope you're feeling better.  being sick certainly colors everything else, distorts things out of perspective, and clouds our thinking processes. 

so very sorry about your hub.  that kind of crap doesn't help anything one bit.  i hope it's temporary (i'm thinking 'furloughed' means he got laid off from his job.  if it's that he's on furlough from the service, then maybe it's a good thing).

keep taking care of yourself as best as possible.  plenty of fluids, rest, pain relievers to keep the fever down, all that motherly advice that comes from caring.   warm, loving hug (from a distance - i don't want to get the flu!)

[alliematt]

awww, allie, i hope you're feeling better.  being sick certainly colors everything else, distorts things out of perspective, and clouds our thinking processes. 

so very sorry about your hub.  that kind of crap doesn't help anything one bit.  i hope it's temporary (i'm thinking 'furloughed' means he got laid off from his job.  if it's that he's on furlough from the service, then maybe it's a good thing).

keep taking care of yourself as best as possible.  plenty of fluids, rest, pain relievers to keep the fever down, all that motherly advice that comes from caring.   warm, loving hug (from a distance - i don't want to get the flu!)

My husband's a federal government worker and the government was shut down over the weekend because the children -- err, Congress -- don't know how to play nicely and agree on a budget.  They have reached a temporary agreement so he'll be going back tomorrow. 

I am feeling better but I'm trying not to push myself too hard.

[DecimalRocket]

Glad you're feeling better. Take care, 

[alliematt]

Where in the heck do I start?

I keep complaining about how I have "so much on my plate".  I don't even know where to start to enumerate everything.

Healthwise, I have back pain, pelvic pain (due to interstitial cystitis, a bladder problem), painful sex, sleep apnea, depression, anxiety, C-PTSD, OCD, TMJ, possible adrenal fatigue, dermatitis of unknown cause,  obesity, pre-diabetes, thyroid problems.  I'm on anti-depressants, use a CPAP, go to counseling, and take thyroid meds.  I also see a chiropractor for the back pain.  I wear a mouth guard at night for the TMJ.  I talk to you guys for the C-PTSD.  I take gabapentin for the pelvic pain/IC.  I need to exercise, but sometimes that makes the adrenal fatigue/back pain worse.  Regular doctors don't always seem to help, but alternative doctors cost an arm and a leg.  One alternative clinic had me on over 20 supplements at one time and wanted me to eat organic, gluten-free, and low carb.  I can't afford that and no one else in my house will eat it.

Financialwise, I'm still paying back student loans and credit card debt.  We have a mortgage.  We have improvements to the house we need to make (a leaky room for starters) and there are things I want to do (paint the walls).  I don't know if I need to make more money.  My husband is taking all the overtime he can to pay for the crawlspace repairs.  If I take more work, I run the risk of wearing myself out.  And with taking myself to the doctor and my son to appointments, I'm afraid to take a "regular" job because of the time I'd end up asking off. 

With my son, there's assistance we HAVE to apply for.  My husband keeps saying "we" need to do it . . . and then, when does HE have time to help?  We also need to clean out his room.  And his autism behaviors drive me up the wall.  I am so tired of his incessant babbling about the same subjects over and over, and him constantly coming downstairs and shoving the iPod/iPad in my face.  And what happens to him when we're gone?  We don't have family here.  It's hard to ask family,"will you take care of my son if anything happened to us?"  Never mind people that we know that aren't family.  I'm afraid that the only option that will end up being left for him is some sort of state institution where he'll run the risk of being assaulted and where no one will take care of him and love him like we do.  And I'm also afraid of there being no "safety net" for him when he needs it.  THAT'S why we got into so much debt with my student loans!  I wanted something that would be flexible to give my son resources where we wouldn't have to depend on a safety net.  That backfired, and now any money I earn goes to pay back debt.  (There are some days I feel so ashamed of myself for digging such a deep financial hole.)  Plus, my son would rather hole up in his room with his electronics.  That's not a life!  He needs friends, and while people at church like him very much, he doesn't do anything outside of church and the school program he's in.  And as you all can tell, I'm overwhelmed enough with my own issues.  I can't solve his as well.  My husband doesn't want to push my son into things that he doesn't want to do . . . and while I understand him wanting our son to have a say in what he does, what our son WANTS to do is hole up in his room, play with the electronics, and go to church activities.  I think he'd like to work at the church building, but that may or may not happen.  (I could almost see my son getting offered a job, my husband asking our son, do you want to take the job?, our son saying no, and my husband saying, okay, it's his choice . . . and our son not gettinganother job offer.)

Faithwise, I need/want to know God.  But how do you know God when everyone believes they are right and can "prove" it by Scripture, which is the way that you get to know God?  People can make the Bible say anything they want, and they can and do use it to manipulate people and hold power over them.  I want a God of love, but I am often afraid that he will end up sending me to * because I got something wrong.

I want to write.  When do I find time?  I am working on a novel, but I am thoroughly paralyzed by "getting it right" and the fear of "getting it wrong".  I have to work.  That cuts into writing time. 

There's the household.  I cannot keep this house clean.  I hate chores.  I have a chore chart but don't always follow it.  And as I noted above, there are things we need to do and I want to do, but the money just is not there.

My husband needs to be taken care of.  I worry about him because he works a lot because we need the money. 

I worry about current events because, as with religion, everyone lies and they can "prove" they are "right".  People can twist everything to make themselves look good and sound right.  And I don't debate well.  I end up going "uh-uh-uh-uh-uh".  I also have a problem with either getting interrupted or not being able to break into a conversation because the flow is such that I can't break in without either being rude or running the risk of getting interrupted. 

Finally, I have past issues.  I constantly struggle with self-esteem as the result of being bullied and being abused spiritually.  Why did the bullies bully me?  I didn't do anything to deserve that.  I hear this voice in my head saying that no one likes me--which mentally, I know isn't true, but emotionally?  Hah!  I don't feel like I'm in the "in crowd" and I've never been one of the "cool kids".  I feel ugly and unattractive, fat, cheap, tacky, frumpy, and shabby. 

And I don't believe that it's ever going to change.

[sanmagic7]

my dearest allie, thank you for sharing all this.  like you said, it is soooooo much that you're dealing with.  if there was anything i could do to help, i would, i hope you know that.  as it is, i can only lend my support and let you know that you're not going thru this alone.

i totally get where you're coming from on the medical front.  too many ills, not enough understanding from docs, alternative medicine is a labyrinth of 'wish i could, but realistically i can't', so much is intertwined it's difficult if not impossible to see a way out.  put an autistic kid and financial problems on top of that, well, the only thing i can think of to do is step by step, minute by minute, just help me get thru this day.  that's my mantra most days - please just help me get thru today.

don't be hard on yourself for what happened, digging that hole.  you believed it was the right thing at the time, and it sounded reasonable to me.  how could you know it wouldn't work the way you planned?  you absolutely couldn't.  i hope you can give yourself a break on that one - you've got enough going on as it is without coming down on yourself as well.  you deserve support and validation for trying something that you thought would help, and you deserve it from yourself more than anyone.

yeah, the 'children'.  i chuckled over that one, but i'm glad your hub is back at work quickly.  what a freakin' mess to be entangled in.

hang tough, allie.  hang tough.  somehow, i have faith your son will be taken care of properly, no matter what.  do what you can, but be aware of your limits on all fronts.  your self-care is the most important, cuz otherwise you can't care for anyone else.   big warm loving hug to you filled with clarity and peace.   you are precious.

[Sceal]

Dear Allie!  That is ALOT on your plate, it's so much it's going outside the plate even. I am sorry to hear you're going through all of this. Would it be possible to try and deal with only a handful of things at a time? Start with the things you HAVE to do, and then slowly move over to the other things that also needs taking care of, but aren't immediate?

About religion, and finding God. Now, I'm not Christian. I wasn't brought up in a religious home, and it's not very common to go to the church here for other than weddings, confirmations and funerals. But I do consider myself religious, I'm not sure who it is I pray to. But I do pray. I realised that I am in no position to decide Which God exists or doesn't, and neither does any other human. But that I choose to believe there is a higher power, and to him/her I do talk to. And it has made me closer to him/her, rather than listening to what other people think. A long point short, I think that finding God, is something only you can find. People have their versions of God that matters to them, their interpretations.
I don't know if this was helpful, if it was just me babbling, please feel free to ignore it all!

[alliematt]

And I haven't even mentioned my mother dying.  Or that I was just sick with the flu.  Or the day-to-day stuff I have to do. 

I wrote nearly half of a journal entry in all caps today. 

[alliematt]

Dear Allie!  That is ALOT on your plate, it's so much it's going outside the plate even. I am sorry to hear you're going through all of this. Would it be possible to try and deal with only a handful of things at a time? Start with the things you HAVE to do, and then slowly move over to the other things that also needs taking care of, but aren't immediate?

To borrow a line from Steve Martin's character in Parenthood, "My whole life is have to!"  I don't even know where to begin!

[alliematt]

What is WRONG with me?

I'm convinced no one likes me, even though I can point to proof that that's not true, and I can't shake how badly I feel!