Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

Sanmagic said on January 27th: 

sounds like this needs to be taken up with your doc. if your meds have been helping you all this time, with no ill effects, and suddenly a strange rash occurs, it could either be your body reacting to something other than the meds, or there's been a sudden intolerance to the meds. you certainly are working under an enormous amount of stress the past year, if not longer, allie. something has to give, don't you think? i don't want to see you break down, sweetie.

i hope you can find a way to get at least a little peace, just a corner where you can get a break. maybe it's ok to let your son do his games for a couple of hours between meals or something every day so you can just have some space to relax. it doesn't have to be forever - i understand your concern about his socialization - but a temporary kind of thing so that you can gather yourself together. a few weeks, a month, whatever you need. if you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to take care of your son or husband either.

think about it. ok? a temporary reprieve for you so you have enough energy for some of the other things that need your attention. i don't know if that will work for you or not. i'm just really concerned. maybe the best thing i can do is just send you a hug and some love, let you know you're in my prayers. take whatever works for you, leave the rest. standing with you, allie. 

[alliematt]

DecimalRocket responded on January 31st:

Hi allie. I don't really know about meds, but I just want to wish you some support and rest. Maybe you could use a break. Maybe even just a small bit more in a day - not pushing too much on the limits of what you think is too much, alright?

[alliematt]

I posted January 31st:

I am back on my regular dose of meds and slowly feeling a bit more like myself.

Saturday I had a meltdown. I started screaming at my BFF about how everyone believes they are right and they can prove it. She's a good listener and I appreciate that.

There are times that I feel like I'm only acceptable if I change my beliefs and standards to be more in line with particular groups of people. I"m supposed to "be myself", and yet at the same time, I've been bullied and criticized for "being myself".

Maybe I'm just weak. Or maybe I've just been beaten down for so long that I'm just tired of trying to fight.

[alliematt]

I posted January 31st:

I am back on my regular dose of meds and slowly feeling a bit more like myself.

Saturday I had a meltdown. I started screaming at my BFF about how everyone believes they are right and they can prove it. She's a good listener and I appreciate that.

There are times that I feel like I'm only acceptable if I change my beliefs and standards to be more in line with particular groups of people. I"m supposed to "be myself", and yet at the same time, I've been bullied and criticized for "being myself".

Maybe I'm just weak. Or maybe I've just been beaten down for so long that I'm just tired of trying to fight.

And I think it was Sanmagic who responded with:

so very glad your meds are helping, allie.

being 'right' seems to be very important to some people. i've had lots of experience with that. it's made me more cautious about sharing about myself, my thoughts, and my beliefs with these kinds of people. they will always find a way to 'prove' they're right, no matter what we say.

it's very frustrating, to be sure. if possible, maybe you can step away from those kinds of battles, take those relationships down a notch. i don't think it's worth the battle. just know that you are right in your own way for yourself, and let them have their opinions. that's all they are, someone else's opinions.

o, sweet allie, you are not weak by any means. do be yourself, please. you expend enough energy day to day on everything going on in your life, i don't think these people are worth any more. they won't change the way they think, they want everyone to think like them, and individuals aren't wanted. been there, done that. i've backed out of their rhetoric, and i felt better for doing so. you will do what's best for you, i know. i just hope you make it as easy on yourself as possible.

big warm loving hug filled with unconditional acceptance of the uniqueness of you. 

[alliematt]

I think I posted this around January 31st-February 1st:

The pdoc told me that it will probably take about another week-10 days to be "back to normal", so to speak.

I sometimes think that the only way I can be accepted and acceptable is to think the way everyone else does. But it doesn't seem to matter what I think. I'm just going to get criticized for it anyway and told that I'm wrong.

"Be yourself"? Yeah, right. That's what got me in this mess to begin with. That's what got me bullied and criticized. I will never be good enough for anyone.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just wallowing in self-pity and I want everyone to feel sorry for me.

[alliematt]

I think I posted this around January 31st-February 1st:

The pdoc told me that it will probably take about another week-10 days to be "back to normal", so to speak.

I sometimes think that the only way I can be accepted and acceptable is to think the way everyone else does. But it doesn't seem to matter what I think. I'm just going to get criticized for it anyway and told that I'm wrong.

"Be yourself"? Yeah, right. That's what got me in this mess to begin with. That's what got me bullied and criticized. I will never be good enough for anyone.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just wallowing in self-pity and I want everyone to feel sorry for me.

Sanmagic responded with:

ok, i can do that. i feel sorry for you, allie. you poor little thing. being in such a slump is a horrible place to be. i wish i could make it better for you. all i know is that i welcome diversity in people, whether it's their perspectives, culture, way of being - whatever.

i'm not run-of-the-mill by any means, and i know there are a lot of people with whom i don't fit. i can fake it for an occasion or something, but really, i don't want to be around them either. they're not my type. i don't belong with the cookie cutter types. i suspect you don't either.

it's lonelier in some ways - i'm horrible at small talk, couldn't make friends that way at all, and i'd watch people in classes or groups just seem to hit it off and i don't for the life of me know how they did it. still, someone once told me that i attract people because i'm my own free spirit, and they want to hitch a ride.

so, wallow for a bit if that's what you need to do. it's ok, allie. you're allowed. you'll find your way, of that i have no doubt. in the meantime, i hope you know that you're accepted here, unconditionally, with all your glorious strengths and frailties. you are very precious in your own right.

sending a warm hug filled with love and beauty for who you are.

[alliematt]

Annnd, with that, I'm done reposting! :-)

I saw my counselor on Monday.  She has told me that she spends most of her practice reassuring people that they are normal, and she did that with me. 

In all of my screwing up with the meds and going downhill emotionally, I can say that I haven't broken with reality.  My thinking is terribly distorted, but I'm not hallucinating, I'm not audibly hearing voices that aren't there, or whatever signs there are of a psychotic break.  Given the stresses that I deal with from day to day, and given that I played with an anti-depressant, I'm not surprised at some of the reactions that I have.

My husband would like for the two of us to go on a vacation together, and I'd like to do it IF we can arrange for people to look in on  our son while we're gone.  I'm not worried about our son taking care of himself.  He can care for his needs and make simple meals.  I'm more concerned about something happening while we're gone.  I do think that if we checked in on him a couple of times a day, had a couple of other people check on him, and give permission to someone we trust to get him to the ER if necessary, we MIGHT be able to swing this.

[sanmagic7]

wow, allie, i think that would be fabulous!  for you, for your hub, for the both of you, even for your son.  what a wonderful idea.  i surely do hope that it can be arranged.  fingers crossed and prayers flying, sweetie.  big hug to you filled with wishes for that vacation to come true.

[alliematt]

My butt is really getting kicked today.  I'm dealing with eczema on my arms and legs, and they look so ugly and scarred that I'm afraid I'll never be able to wear shorts or short sleeves again.  I'm using apple cider vinegar and Neem oil, and sometimes I think it helps and sometimes it doesn't  I may have to go back to the dermatologist.  And I don't want to do it.

My OCD is raising its ugly head as well.  It's obsessing over "being right."

We had a brief scare with a government shutdown and my husband didn't know when he was supposed to go back to work. 

I can't blame this bout of depression on not taking my meds, either.

 

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

sending a warm caring hug, allie. 

when i had an eczema scare, 2 other possibilities i discovered were tea tree oil and hydrogen peroxide.  i looked them up at the time, so i can't tell you exactly how they're supposed to be used.  don't know if you've tried either one.   good luck with it, tho.  i know it can be a pain in the butt to deal with.

here's to better days for you.

[alliematt]

I'm sorry that it seems like I'm not getting any better.   

[Three Roses]

  but you don't have to be. We still care about you.

[alliematt]

Up and down, up and down, up and down.  That's what it feels like lately.  And today is down.  My computer is running slow, I had a very hard proofing job, and my brain just won't stop telling me that "everyone can prove they're right by Scripture." 

[sanmagic7]

those ups and downs can be draining.  at least for me, cuz i so wish the up times would stay, and get so disheartened when the down times come back around.  ugh.

i think a lot of people use the bible for their own best interests at times.  i remember being fed the same passages over and over in church, but when i began doing some exploration on my own, i found a different world that was never mentioned.  i broadened my horizon in that aspect, and now i see things a lot more clearly for my life.   very differently from both how i was taught and what i've heard from the majority of people throughout my life.

i think the best we can do is find our truth for ourselves, and allow that others may have different truths.  i don't necessarily see a right and wrong here, just what fits for me, what fits for them, and that i don't have to buy into what they believe.   i've had several intense discussions over the years about this.  they've all been something to learn from.

hope you're out of this down phase soonest, allie.  also hope you take care of you as best you can while you're in it.  warm hug filled with love.