Allie's Archives: a recovery journal

[alliematt]

I did get to meet with my ladies' group today; also, I learned that on Sunday during our second service, my son was called up on stage and everyone sang Happy Birthday to him.  (We have two church services on Sundays.  One uses musical instruments and one does not.  My husband and I attend the one that does not use instruments.  Our son attends both and helps out with communion both times.  :-)  )  I didn't get to see our son on stage, but the second service is streamed live on Facebook and I watched the end of the service where our son was on stage.  (He was quite the ham; he enjoyed being there!)

I did say to my group that I'd had a rough mental health week but hearing them talk about our son helped.

[Three Roses]

I felt so happy reading this!  I'm so glad they did that for him ❤❤❤❤❤

[DecimalRocket]

Awwww. That's sweet. I know how much you care for your son and it must have been a great time for the both of you. 

[alliematt]

Even though it was difficult to do, I got up at 6 a.m. and ate breakfast.
Then I walked a mile up to Dunkin Donuts because I wanted a place to sit and read and journal.
I took my own coffee but apparently my "leak proof" cup wasn't leak proof. Half of my coffee spilled on the floor.  The people at Dunkin were nice enough to mop it up. 
Then I walked a mile back home.
Now if I can only keep it up.

[sanmagic7]

very cool, allie, all the way around.  so glad that seeing your son enjoying himself helped lift your spirits.  yay.  big hug.

[alliematt]

There was an awful school shooting today in Florida, and once again, I have fallen down the rabbit hole. 

Nothing anyone does, including myself, makes any kind of a difference anywhere.

I feel like in order to be liked or approved of, I have to change what I believe.  And if I do say what I believe, I'm only going to be outyelled and outscreamed.  I don't know what to say or when to say it, and even if I did, people wouldn't listen.  I've been ganged up on before because of what I think.  Why can't people shut up for once and listen to what I think??? 

I am always the one who has to change. No one else has to.  I am always the one in the wrong.  No one else is. 

[Three Roses]

You're entitled to your very own opinions and beliefs! It doesn't matter who agrees with you or disagrees. Your view is important. It can be something many other people believe, or something that is unique to you - learning, diversity, and love are what truly matters. But that's just my opinion! 

[alliematt]

Today, I don't need to hear about how I need to have faith.  Today, I need to lament.  I need to grieve and express my frustration and anger and despair.  We have learned NOTHING from past school shootings except how to point fingers and blame each other.  I'm truly in despair.  And with my own personal issues about faith and other stuff, this is not helping.

[sanmagic7]

gathering you in, allie, to help soothe and comfort you.  it's just madness out there, and there really is nothing we can do about it.  not a happy thought, to be sure.  all we can do is what we can for our own little piece of the world.

your faith, your beliefs, your opinions are your own and are valuable and valid.  i had to stop attending an organized form of congregation because of what i came to believe, what worked for me.  i tried other churches, other communities, but it was the same wherever i went.   i, too, got tired of being overrode anytime i opened my mouth.  neither i nor my beliefs fit, so i quit trying to make it so. 

i respect the beliefs, etc., of others, but they're not necessarily for me, just like mine are not for them.  it took a bit of time to be able to do this - it wasn't a decision i came to lightly or an action i did overnight.   i know you're struggling right now, but i have faith that you'll get to where you need to be.  sending a hug filled with love, caring, and compassion.

[alliematt]

If I'm thinking reasonably, I realize there's not very much I can do single-handedly.  Bad things happen and you just have to get through them as best you can.  I just don't always think very reasonably at times.

[sanmagic7]

you're preaching to the choir with that one, sweetie.  illogical, unreasonable, emotionally-charged - i think they all come under the same umbrella.  i know i don't always think logically, don't always make sense to anyone else.  still, it is what it is.  and, no, we can't have it all our way.  sucks sometimes, tho.

[alliematt]

I do feel better today.  Last night I realized that for me, I need someone a lot wiser and stronger outside of myself.  That is why I believe in God.  Yesterday I took some time to be angry and to lament, and I think that also helped.

That's not to say, though, that I won't be back in the depths sometime in the near future.  It's part of the illness.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi allie. I don't have the same Christian beliefs, but I do understand how many of you can find deep courage and strength in God.

Wish you the best.

[alliematt]

I am "energied out."  Yesterday my counselor and I were talking, and I don't remember how we got on the subject, but we were talking about how we spend so much energy on stuff . . . and I thought about all the "stuff" I have to deal with.  I said that even if you took everything else away that I was dealing with, I still had a a child with autism, and that is draining in and of itself.  Add in health problems, financial problems, and past issues, and I see exactly why I feel tired and drained.

[sanmagic7]

yeah, absolutely tired and drained.  i remember that from dealing with my mentally ill d, especially when she was younger.  never mind any of the other stuff i was attempting to manage.  dealing with kids without some extra something going on is energy-draining all by itself. 

i think a higher power can be very helpful, no matter what it might be called.  i've utilized mine time and time again.  especially for strength to make it thru the day.  it's worked so far.

i'm just glad you're feeling a bit better, allie.  getting it out often helps me, too.  warm, loving hug to you, sweetie.