Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

we're here for you, we've got the net ready if you feel like you're gonna fall, or the cheers to celebrate you or just a pillow, blanket, and a cup of something soothing when you need a rest, plus encouragement to keep going.  you got this. 

by the by, i've noticed you've thanked me for the hugs i send, but not the love.  if sending love bothers you, i won't write it.  your comfort is first and foremost.

Thank you sanmagic.  This part especially means a lot to me.  I am slowly learning how I should be treating myself because of how great everyone has been to me.  And I would like to grow to offer the same support back.

I'm sorry if my comment on your journal made you think that you sending love bothers me.  It does not.  I am a little uncomfortable at my own reluctance to "accept" it.  I probably just don't feel like I deserve it.  However, you sending love doesn't make me uncomfortable.  If anything, I think it's rather healing, and I'm sorry I haven't shown appreciation.
 

[zen_racer]

I wanted to do a quick update.  I'm still feeling better since the therapy visit yesterday.  I don't really know why, don't think there was any great moment of spectacular relief.  Maybe just being heard.  Being met where I was, instead of having to act like everything is fine and not be judged harshly.  I think this place and everyone here has been a large part in feeling better today as well.  I don't think I've ever had support like this against my own inner critic before.

But I'm staying lighter this time.  I may not have drank enough water, but I at least put in a decent effort.  I've eaten well, or well enough.  I exercised this evening.  That felt pretty good.  I've been avoiding reading a lot more about cptsd since yesterday.  I think I need to take a rest and catch my breath.  I'm planning on spending time on those letters this weekend.

• Today is the best I've felt since learning about cptsd and starting to read about it.
• I'm thankful for this forum and the people in it.
• I'm getting cuddle time with my cat.

[HannahOne]

Hooray for cats!! The unconditional love of an animal can be so healing.

[sanmagic7]

i absolutely love that you've had a better day than the rest, ZR, a best day, in fact.  so very cool!  and also to be able to spend some time w/ your cat while you give your brain a rest.  resting is an important part with all of this.  i see it as a healing time - like when you lift weights, you need a day in between to let the muscles rest and heal before going at it again. 

well done on the self-care.  and i'm ever so glad you felt better after the therapist.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

That's a good update to read, ZR. I'm glad you're taking a bit of a rest from reading up on hard stuff and enjoying some cat cuddles instead.

I don't really know why, don't think there was any great moment of spectacular relief.  Maybe just being heard. 

I've rarely found any moment of spectacular relief in sessions with my T. The biggest one was when I was still doing written online therapy with her rather than zoom and she acknowledged in writing, without my asking her to, that my upbringing was abusive. That validation felt immense. However, I have found that being able to speak and be heard properly can help me unexpectedly even we did not seem to make any concrete progress in the session. I've had occasions where I have mentioned a problem that caused a huge EF. We did not come up with anything that landed emotionally about how to deal with it and agreed to discuss again at some point. And then pretty much the exact same thing happened a few weeks later, when we had not revisited the issue in therapy, and my reaction to the thing was totally different, calm and adult.

It makes me very happy that you are getting this experience of feeling better. It will stand you in good stead.

[zen_racer]

Thank you San and NK.  That does make sense that the brain needs rest like a muscle.  I did really enjoy how I felt after the session with the therapist.  After reflecting a bit more, I'm even more certain that a lot of it is being heard, and being validated and confirmed by the therapist.  It's the opposite of how my family would only hear what they wanted instead of what I'd say, and only respond with negativity and rebuttals and invalidation.

That good day yesterday only lasted until I answered the phone call from my M.  She was once again acting like I was a lost child unable to care for myself, and acting like it was wrong for me to not answer when she called.  She even tried to tell me that I had to send out an email if I was ... I don't know, living in my own house like an adult for an unharassed weekend?  I started shouting at her.  I told her that I wasn't a child, and that there isn't a single person on this planet that I have to report to for anything in my personal life.  I am not asking for permission for me to treat my weekend as MY weekend, or to be a full adult.  She actually stopped.  But then I still ruminated about it the rest of the night and some today.

Work got a little more interesting today.  Not bad, and nothing major, but a small win or two.

I talked with a friend today.  At least for a little while, it's gotten me out of the rumination funk.  I guess how I'm feeling right now is best described as somber.  Not good, maybe not bad, and low energy.  I'd like to see if I can find ways to actually recharge over the weekend.  I do plan on at least starting to write those letters as my therapy homework.

Oh, and another thing I'm bad at doing for self care.  I need to get a haircut this weekend.

I have my first massage therapy visit in a while too.  I had started it after my gallbladder surgery as one last shot for my right shoulder that I had already tried PT on.  It helped, and I found ways to isolate weak muscles and completely fixed my rotator cuff.  I kept a monthly visit going to get good feedback on where I was tight or needed to do my own work for recovery.  I'd lost a fair bit of weight that I didn't have to lose, and it's taken a year and half to get back to health, overcome a vitamin/nutrient deficiency, and rehab my hip.  I stopped the massage therapy visits when my work schedule changed, and this is my first chance to start going again.

It really makes me wonder.  The massage therapist ended up being really nice, and there was a definite therapy vibe for me as a whole person, and she would ask about things bothering me.  I think it may have been the slight nudge to start pushing me in the direction of finding a therapist.