Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

we're here for you, we've got the net ready if you feel like you're gonna fall, or the cheers to celebrate you or just a pillow, blanket, and a cup of something soothing when you need a rest, plus encouragement to keep going.  you got this. 

by the by, i've noticed you've thanked me for the hugs i send, but not the love.  if sending love bothers you, i won't write it.  your comfort is first and foremost.

Thank you sanmagic.  This part especially means a lot to me.  I am slowly learning how I should be treating myself because of how great everyone has been to me.  And I would like to grow to offer the same support back.

I'm sorry if my comment on your journal made you think that you sending love bothers me.  It does not.  I am a little uncomfortable at my own reluctance to "accept" it.  I probably just don't feel like I deserve it.  However, you sending love doesn't make me uncomfortable.  If anything, I think it's rather healing, and I'm sorry I haven't shown appreciation.
 

[zen_racer]

I wanted to do a quick update.  I'm still feeling better since the therapy visit yesterday.  I don't really know why, don't think there was any great moment of spectacular relief.  Maybe just being heard.  Being met where I was, instead of having to act like everything is fine and not be judged harshly.  I think this place and everyone here has been a large part in feeling better today as well.  I don't think I've ever had support like this against my own inner critic before.

But I'm staying lighter this time.  I may not have drank enough water, but I at least put in a decent effort.  I've eaten well, or well enough.  I exercised this evening.  That felt pretty good.  I've been avoiding reading a lot more about cptsd since yesterday.  I think I need to take a rest and catch my breath.  I'm planning on spending time on those letters this weekend.

• Today is the best I've felt since learning about cptsd and starting to read about it.
• I'm thankful for this forum and the people in it.
• I'm getting cuddle time with my cat.

[HannahOne]

Hooray for cats!! The unconditional love of an animal can be so healing.

[sanmagic7]

i absolutely love that you've had a better day than the rest, ZR, a best day, in fact.  so very cool!  and also to be able to spend some time w/ your cat while you give your brain a rest.  resting is an important part with all of this.  i see it as a healing time - like when you lift weights, you need a day in between to let the muscles rest and heal before going at it again. 

well done on the self-care.  and i'm ever so glad you felt better after the therapist.  keep up the good work.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

That's a good update to read, ZR. I'm glad you're taking a bit of a rest from reading up on hard stuff and enjoying some cat cuddles instead.

I don't really know why, don't think there was any great moment of spectacular relief.  Maybe just being heard. 

I've rarely found any moment of spectacular relief in sessions with my T. The biggest one was when I was still doing written online therapy with her rather than zoom and she acknowledged in writing, without my asking her to, that my upbringing was abusive. That validation felt immense. However, I have found that being able to speak and be heard properly can help me unexpectedly even we did not seem to make any concrete progress in the session. I've had occasions where I have mentioned a problem that caused a huge EF. We did not come up with anything that landed emotionally about how to deal with it and agreed to discuss again at some point. And then pretty much the exact same thing happened a few weeks later, when we had not revisited the issue in therapy, and my reaction to the thing was totally different, calm and adult.

It makes me very happy that you are getting this experience of feeling better. It will stand you in good stead.

[zen_racer]

Thank you San and NK.  That does make sense that the brain needs rest like a muscle.  I did really enjoy how I felt after the session with the therapist.  After reflecting a bit more, I'm even more certain that a lot of it is being heard, and being validated and confirmed by the therapist.  It's the opposite of how my family would only hear what they wanted instead of what I'd say, and only respond with negativity and rebuttals and invalidation.

That good day yesterday only lasted until I answered the phone call from my M.  She was once again acting like I was a lost child unable to care for myself, and acting like it was wrong for me to not answer when she called.  She even tried to tell me that I had to send out an email if I was ... I don't know, living in my own house like an adult for an unharassed weekend?  I started shouting at her.  I told her that I wasn't a child, and that there isn't a single person on this planet that I have to report to for anything in my personal life.  I am not asking for permission for me to treat my weekend as MY weekend, or to be a full adult.  She actually stopped.  But then I still ruminated about it the rest of the night and some today.

Work got a little more interesting today.  Not bad, and nothing major, but a small win or two.

I talked with a friend today.  At least for a little while, it's gotten me out of the rumination funk.  I guess how I'm feeling right now is best described as somber.  Not good, maybe not bad, and low energy.  I'd like to see if I can find ways to actually recharge over the weekend.  I do plan on at least starting to write those letters as my therapy homework.

Oh, and another thing I'm bad at doing for self care.  I need to get a haircut this weekend.

I have my first massage therapy visit in a while too.  I had started it after my gallbladder surgery as one last shot for my right shoulder that I had already tried PT on.  It helped, and I found ways to isolate weak muscles and completely fixed my rotator cuff.  I kept a monthly visit going to get good feedback on where I was tight or needed to do my own work for recovery.  I'd lost a fair bit of weight that I didn't have to lose, and it's taken a year and half to get back to health, overcome a vitamin/nutrient deficiency, and rehab my hip.  I stopped the massage therapy visits when my work schedule changed, and this is my first chance to start going again.

It really makes me wonder.  The massage therapist ended up being really nice, and there was a definite therapy vibe for me as a whole person, and she would ask about things bothering me.  I think it may have been the slight nudge to start pushing me in the direction of finding a therapist.

[Hope67]

Hi Zen_Racer,
I think that the Journals are areas where each person uses them as they would like to - within the forum rules of course - but at the same time, anything that you think might be triggering - it can help to put a trigger warning infront, something like 'Trigger Warning'  That way people can choose to read or not read, but they have a head's up about the potential triggering content.

I know there are rules about content, so maybe have a look at those, just incase the specifics of your writings might overstep those boundaries/rules.

Sorry - I was hoping to give you a helpful answer to your query there, but I'm not sure I know the answer myself. 

[NarcKiddo]

I told her that I wasn't a child, and that there isn't a single person on this planet that I have to report to for anything in my personal life.  I am not asking for permission for me to treat my weekend as MY weekend, or to be a full adult.

Well said. I'm glad it stopped her. There is nothing, after all, she can rationally say to rebut that. Though if she is anything like mine she will no doubt try to think of something. But also she may think twice in the future before saying something that will result in a direct block from you, which would be nice. It's totally understandable that you ruminated on it. Once you have stopped doing that it is probably worth revisiting the conversation to analyse how you feel about it once the rumination has percolated through. Maybe with your T but even just with yourself at a time when you are feeling robust.

I'm glad you had some wins at work. I'm also glad you are getting back to massage therapy. I find it invaluable. Like you I try to do it monthly so that any niggling problems can be nipped in the bud. Plus it's nice to have some therapeutic touch and be looked after. I shy away from touch generally, and have a huge personal space zone, probably because there was absolutely NOTHING therapeutic about touch from my M. Even when she was in a good mood it was clear that any personal care she had to undertake for us as children was a dreadful chore. It's easy to lose touch with one's body when living with trauma and a physical therapist can be so helpful in guiding us back to noticing what our body is telling us.

[Hope67]

Hi Zen_Racer,
Please disregard what I wrote in #66 above - I suddenly realized that I was reading your journal from an earlier page, and therefore I was replying to something you wrote in your entry #14 (which you made on 20th May), so it doesn't make sense to have responded in that way to your journal.  I am very sorry

Just wanted to explain what happened. 

[zen_racer]

Hi Zen_Racer,
I think that the Journals are areas where each person uses them as they would like to - within the forum rules of course - but at the same time, anything that you think might be triggering - it can help to put a trigger warning infront, something like 'Trigger Warning'  That way people can choose to read or not read, but they have a head's up about the potential triggering content.

I know there are rules about content, so maybe have a look at those, just incase the specifics of your writings might overstep those boundaries/rules.

Sorry - I was hoping to give you a helpful answer to your query there, but I'm not sure I know the answer myself. 

At first when I read this, I was worried that something in my last post was triggering or went outside the rules.  I've realized that I think you were responding to when I asked about posting stuff that was triggering.  I did put a trigger warning that time.

I have read the rules, but it is always a good reminder to check them again.  When I first joined and read those rules, I was closer to crisis than in a mindset for remembering them.  I know I've checked them again since then, but was still likely not in right frame of mind.  I want you and anyone else reading this to know that I never intend to create an issue for anyone else here.  If I could, I would protect anyone from going through what I went through.  I would gladly accept feedback about any of my posts to make sure I don't prevent this forum for being as good for everyone else as it has been for me.

[zen_racer]

Hi Zen_Racer,
Please disregard what I wrote in #66 above - I suddenly realized that I was reading your journal from an earlier page, and therefore I was replying to something you wrote in your entry #14 (which you made on 20th May), so it doesn't make sense to have responded in that way to your journal.  I am very sorry

Just wanted to explain what happened. 

That is totally fine, Hope67.  I recognize that the intent was to be helpful, and I greatly appreciate that.  I make my own mistakes too, and those mistakes don't define me.  I appreciate the thoughtfulness, and you don't have any reason to be sorry.

[zen_racer]

I'm glad you had some wins at work. I'm also glad you are getting back to massage therapy. I find it invaluable. Like you I try to do it monthly so that any niggling problems can be nipped in the bud. Plus it's nice to have some therapeutic touch and be looked after. I shy away from touch generally, and have a huge personal space zone, probably because there was absolutely NOTHING therapeutic about touch from my M. Even when she was in a good mood it was clear that any personal care she had to undertake for us as children was a dreadful chore. It's easy to lose touch with one's body when living with trauma and a physical therapist can be so helpful in guiding us back to noticing what our body is telling us.

Trigger Warning possibility, for mentioning physical abuse.

I agree with how invaluable massage therapy is.  Since I'm still trying to be good at racing, I find it gives me really good feedback from someone else's perspective on what areas I could stand to work on.  I'm sorry that you shy away from physical touch and have issues in that way.  I definitely relate to losing touch with one's body because of the trauma, but I think my experience went the other way.  I haven't posted about it here yet, but after finally being able to see the patterns of physical abuse and realizing why I had started doing so many situps as a kid, I've remembered more about what things were like for me then.  There were so many times that I didn't have the option to get away from the abuse.  My brother would sometimes sit on me to trap me so he could continue to beat, torture, and torment me.  How I coped was just getting to where I could endure more than he could dish out.  I remember at least once when he jumped out from around a corner to punch me in the stomach, but I tensed my stomach fast enough that he hurt his wrist instead of it hurting me.  I think I adjusted to just accept a lot of pain as normal, and I also think that's why, when I finally got away from the physical abuse, I started doing self harm.  It was the only way things felt familiar.

I think I have since adjusted to what's normal, or at least more normal.  Maybe it's surprising that I don't have any issues (that I'm at least aware of) with physical touch.

Do you have any issues or resistance when I give virtual hugs?  You've comforted me so much here, I don't want to be draining for you.

[NarcKiddo]

Do you have any issues or resistance when I give virtual hugs?  You've comforted me so much here, I don't want to be draining for you.

Thank you for asking. No, I have absolutely no issues with virtual hugs. I actually enjoy real life hugs too but only when I am expecting them and the person is safe.

[zen_racer]

Thank you for asking. No, I have absolutely no issues with virtual hugs. I actually enjoy real life hugs too but only when I am expecting them and the person is safe.

 

As a general update, I have had to switch massage therapists.  The only reason is the schedule change for my new position where I work.  However, my last massage therapist is expanding, and taken over the whole building where she had a room.  I am staying with the same business, and a massage therapist that she suggested.  After reflecting on what I wrote here earlier, I sent my original massage therapist a text.  I gave her an update on how well the job is going, and that I did do PT on the hip she knew was bothering me.  But I also expressed my gratitude for how nice and caring she always was, and told her that her being so compassionate with me nudged me to show a little compassion towards myself.  I told her that because of all that, it had been therapy for all of me, not just physically.  Because of the things we'd talk about and she would remember to ask me about, I also let her know that I finally found a therapist and started therapy.

Oh my goodness, she sent back such a thoughtful and positive response.  I hope this sets the tone for the entire weekend.

I also remembered to take my vitamins this morning

[NarcKiddo]