Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

ZenRacer, FWIW my thought is that yes, it's ok to feel normal. In my experience it's really important to consider what you're describing, which is a kind of pendulation as Peter Levine calls it, between the distress and calm. Between then and now. Between our pain and our sense of safety. If we focus only on CPTSD, we'll decompensate. If we live as if nothing happened to us, we will be cut off from ourselves and may have more EFs. Pacing is essential for me. Trauma is "too much too fast." So I can't push myself too fast, too hard, even in an effort to heal, or I'll retraumatize myself. Pacing is self-care and self-respect, not forcing myself to confront more than I can process and integrate at any given moment. I hope these thoughts are useful, if not please feel free to ignore them. This is just my experience and you know what's best for you!

Thank you for that, HannahOne.  It is helpful.  For the past couple weeks, I've been getting ready for work a little faster in the morning, and then taking 10-15 minutes to just lay down and try to connect with myself before leaving for work.  Once or twice, I've had to stop so I wouldn't feel so bad while going to work.  Today felt different.  I laid down with my hand over my heart.  I could feel it beating under my palm, and feel my chest expanding with my breath.  I just laid there, not trying to think of anything specific.  I think for the first time, I started connecting with emotions that want to come out.  I think it felt like grief.  No memories, not what I've come to think of as emotional flashbacks.  Just grief and sadness.  I was able to keep it down for now.  I could feel tears getting ready to form, and I backed off.  Right before work is not a good time.  But I feel like I might be able to reconnect with at least something.  I'm taking Thurs and Fri off this week to have a 4 day weekend for my birthday.  Maybe I'll be crying when I turn 50, and it will actually be a good thing.

[Ran]

Hey,

I just wanted to send some  if you want and need them.

Dealing with trauma is hard, but with little steps you can get where you need to.

[sanmagic7]

ZR, that connection you found with yourself sounds intense and hopeful.  very moving.  i hope you can reconnect like that on a day when you don't have to go to work, and you can let the tears come.  i think a lot of times those can not only be from grieving (in the present) but can also be tears from the past that we weren't allowed to shed thru fear, and those are the ones i believe are filled w/ the poison of what's been done to us and it's a good thing to get them out of us.  we've been carrying that crapola around for so long, and it's hurt us.  so, i'm so very glad for you they're beginning to make their presence known.

and a very happy birthday to you - i hope you have a wonderful day!      i'm saying this now in case i forget later.  50 can be a very good year.  love and hugs

[HannahOne]

I love the hand on heart meditation. When I first was told to put my hand over my heart I was so irritated and thought it was cheesy. LOL. Now I find it an instant way to connect to All of Me, get out of my head, and be present. I'm glad you had that experience!

[NarcKiddo]

I agree with HannahOne that it is ok to feel normal. And maybe today's normal will feel crap compared to next year's normal, but that's ok too. A respite from the EFs and misery is important, I think. We need to feel all this pain is getting us somewhere so the times of normal are very necessary to the process.

I've been having massage therapy regularly for decades now, both before and after becoming aware of CPTSD. I've never had an EF during a massage. I would not expect to have one with my regular therapist who I trust, but I've had plenty of massages on holidays with new people, both men and women, and have always been fine. If you think you ought to warn your therapist of the possibility of an EF then do, but you said it was a new therapist. If it were me I would not say anything right away, partly because it would eat into therapy time and could make the therapist nervous which is probably not helpful to you. I hate being touched on my legs and feet so those are off limits to any therapist, and obviously you must tell a therapist if you have any no go areas. My approach if I was to be suddenly hit with a really horrible emotional EF during any sort of therapy would simply be to say I am feeling unwell and get out of there. In my case an EF in the presence of another person will make me dissociate out of there, but the mask of functional NK remains. Yours may manifest differently. So ignore any or all of these comments as you see fit.

[zen_racer]

Hey,

I just wanted to send some  if you want and need them.

Dealing with trauma is hard, but with little steps you can get where you need to.

Thank you Ran.  It was incredibly difficult just beginning to learn about it, and having EF's and memory flashbacks because I was learning about it and starting to see through the dissociation and recognize the patterns of abuse.  I'm starting to settle in, but still kind of need to get to where I'm actually dealing with the difficult stuff in therapy.  I appreciate the encouragement.

ZR, that connection you found with yourself sounds intense and hopeful.  very moving.  i hope you can reconnect like that on a day when you don't have to go to work, and you can let the tears come.  i think a lot of times those can not only be from grieving (in the present) but can also be tears from the past that we weren't allowed to shed thru fear, and those are the ones i believe are filled w/ the poison of what's been done to us and it's a good thing to get them out of us.  we've been carrying that crapola around for so long, and it's hurt us.  so, i'm so very glad for you they're beginning to make their presence known.

and a very happy birthday to you - i hope you have a wonderful day!      i'm saying this now in case i forget later.  50 can be a very good year.  love and hugs

That's a good way to put it, SanMagic.  I hadn't really considered that they may be emotions from that past that I couldn't express then.  That might be it.  I might even be wrong about which emotions were there.  I've been out of touch for so long.  I like the way you described the emotions trapped inside as being the ones filled with poison.  And thank you for the birthday wishes!  Love and hugs 

I love the hand on heart meditation. When I first was told to put my hand over my heart I was so irritated and thought it was cheesy. LOL. Now I find it an instant way to connect to All of Me, get out of my head, and be present. I'm glad you had that experience!

I thought it was cheesy the first time I tried it to.  It didn't do anything for me until now, but I had gotten to where I liked feeling my heart beat under my palm, and my fingers lightly wrapping around my ribs feeling my chest expand with breath.  This morning, I was just focusing on feeling the two independent rhythms at the same time.  It was definitely working.

I agree with HannahOne that it is ok to feel normal. And maybe today's normal will feel crap compared to next year's normal, but that's ok too. A respite from the EFs and misery is important, I think. We need to feel all this pain is getting us somewhere so the times of normal are very necessary to the process.

...

In my case an EF in the presence of another person will make me dissociate out of there, but the mask of functional NK remains. Yours may manifest differently. So ignore any or all of these comments as you see fit.

This makes me feel better about ... well, feeling better.  That makes a lot of sense the way you put that.  What's the point of trying to deal with the trauma and doing therapy if I can't feel better sometimes along the way?

I don't think the massage therapist is new to being a massage therapist, but new to that business and new to me.  Even still, I think your approach might be best.  I wasn't scared of it happening, but definitely curious, especially reading the title of that book a bunch in posts here and reddit posts, The Body Keeps The Score.  I literally don't know much about the processes either.  Is massage therapy grounding?  Does grounding help us connect with emotions, or hold off EF's, or somehow both?  Is that not grounding?  I still have a LOT to learn, and now I'm hesitant to go too fast again.  But then I felt guilty for feeling okay.  LOL.

I honestly don't know how I'd handle an EF around other people, or if I've ever had to deal with one around people before I knew what they were or consciously knew anything about my own trauma.  There's so much to take in regarding cptsd.  I do know functional ZR is remarkably functional when it comes to things like work, and even fun hobby projects if functional ZR doesn't have to deal with constant negativity and attacks from a NFOO.  I know that when I do have to deal with those people, my productivity at home or with anything personal goes to 0, or lower.

I don't have anywhere that I hate being touched, but there's a good portion of my back that I can't feel touch on my skin from nerve damage.  I've had some pretty bad injuries that I've had to overcome, but I have.  When the therapist started spending time on my hands and fingers, I warned her that my left pinky was broken a long time ago and doesn't fully straighten anymore, but that there's no pain for me with it.  I don't think I'd want to see their face if I had to tell them about all the injuries where they might find weird stuff compared to a normal body.  It's a little weird thinking about it and remembering stuff like that.  Not all my trauma came from family or childhood.

  I think it's time for me to mentally change channels now.

[sanmagic7]

ZR, i really like your hand on heart.  i'd like to remember it, do it for myself, especially before bed.  i have no idea what i might get out of it, but i liked how you liked feeling those 2 rhythms.  for some reason that spoke to me.

i do love a good massage, and, yes, i think it can be very grounding in that you are inviting healing, non-threatening touch into your life.  unfortunately, as my trauma grew over the years, massage has gotten iffy for me, and i find myself anxious now instead of relaxed.  i'd love to find my way back to the relaxation bit.  i'm glad it's positive for you,  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I think it's time for me to mentally change channels now.

Good you have noticed that and hope you managed successfully. Enjoy your birthday weekend. I hope you have a lovely, relaxing and happy time.

      

[Hope67]

Hi Zen_racer,
It's great that you have a good massage therapist, and I would also like to express this emoji  for those positives you wrote about.
 

[HannahOne]

ZR, it makes total sense that around the source of the trauma, you would lose function.

Regarding EFs, what helps me is to notice I'm having an emotion and be curious if it's getting a lot of energy from the past. It usually is, and then I know its an EF. Then I turn toward it inside, be curious about it and give compassion. Let it know/remind myself I'm here now, this is not that, and let it know I'm safe and can handle things. That is, if I AM safe. If you're with your FOO it may be the emotion is a helpful warning sign to get away from them! There's lots of ways to cope, some people like to do grounding, or five senses, or a mantra....

Massage can be helpful for sure as you feel safe to explore it. Part of my journey is getting massage as often as I have the cash. Most people don't even notice when I'm having a flashback. Sometimes it's obvious I'm re-experiencing something or emotionally overwhelmed but I don't think you need to explain or justify anything. It's usually safer not to share details unless you know the person understands CPTSD. You can just say you need a minute, or are feeling sad... and you can always ask to pause the massage, or ask for whatever you need. Advocate for yourself.

And enjoy your birthday!!!    

[zen_racer]

I will reply to everyone soon.  I kind of just want to get this out.  Today started out alright.  I went in to work early because I'm taking the next few days off.  I'm feeling a little bit of pressure at work with the new project, a small project I was also asked to take on, and other things I'm working on.  That's not a huge deal.  I'm recognizing that I need to learn how to delegate and pass things on to other people while I work on leading projects.  It's a transition that was bound to happen with the promotion I got.

I think the thing I found so draining today was dealing with one person that seems to have decided to create issues with me.  I do not do well with conflict.  But I handled it as best I could.  When that person kept blowing me off after agreeing to do work that needs to get done in a very short time frame, I sent out an email to everyone involved in the project about what they had agreed to get done tomorrow, how it needs to happen, etc.  I copied in other people to keep everyone aware.

Since then, I've just felt ... well, I don't really know.  Not exactly sad, but bordering on it.  I feel drained, and almost sad.  I'd say I just feel down, but that doesn't seem like a real emotion.  I was going to respond to someone's journal here about fiction books, but then I started thinking about a series of books that meant a lot to me when I was in high school and starting to define who I wanted to be as a person.  The main character in these books played a big part in helping me decide what was important to me.  But in remembering this, and those books, and why, it dawned on me that the only reason those books related to me so much is because of the trauma that I didn't recognize in my own life back then, or rather, just didn't know that it wasn't a normal part of growing up.  It seems like I'm still turning around and then finding that everything that ever meant anything in my life or shaped my life was because of the trauma.

In those books, the main character left home and was then always hunted and attacked by his family and his people.  They way they were is why he left home.  And instead of becoming just like the people that treated him so bad, he instead turned the other way, and because a force of good, of compassion, of sacrifice, and of love.  He was almost always treated badly just for being born to the people he was from and judged by that rather than by how he chose to act, and yet it didn't sway his choice on who he decided to become.

That character is why I decided to try to treat everyone with respect and empathy.  Why I decided that I would get to where I could endure anything, that I could always give up more of myself if it meant making things better for the people around me.  And likely, why I got to where I could overcome any obstacle, even if just mentally demanding of myself that I could physically do anything even if I wasn't nearly large enough to actually do it.

Deciding that I could be impossibly larger than life has given me many successes in life, but it has also cost so much to do it.

All because of the trauma.