Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

Today has not gone how I wanted.  Nothing majorly wrong, and I was productive today, but not as productive as I had hoped.  I did get a haircut.  I got a very short motorcycle ride in to get the haircut, but mostly because the weather app lied to me and told me it wasn't going to rain.  No big deal though on that.  I think I've read too much about symptoms and other issues I've had.  I'm still wondering about having lost the ability to dream for about 25 years now, and answers from the web are not very reassuring on that.  I kind of wonder if I should ask my doctor for something to help me sleep  I found that I missed my Mom calling due to my phone being on silent, though I doubt I would've answered anyway.  It's somewhat triggering seeing she called twice in a row because I didn't hear it.  I'm certain that she's spent her time since the last call coming up with some other scheme to try and manipulate me into her having some kind of control.

I haven't drank enough water, or anything else for hydration.  I haven't eaten enough.  I tried to write the first letter my therapist wants me to write, but I could not get in the mood for anger.  Maybe now after seeing my mom called twice, ... maybe now I could muster it.  I have a headache and  just feel out of it.  My shoulders have been tense and my left one in pain today.  I know I could do two stretches and likely make it better, and just have not found the motivation.

I haven't even had a bad day, and don't know why I've just felt worse in the last half of it.

I guess on the good side, after I got home from the motorcycle ride/hair cut, it was still sprinkling and threatening a good storm.  I was in my living room looking out at the woods from the wall of windows, and the sprinkling of rain drops was making the leaves dance before the storm.  That imagery tickled my brain a little bit.

[Marcine]

Hi ZR,
"I haven't even had a bad day, and don't know why I've just felt worse in the last half of it."

I feel that.
This afternoon I was sliding towards a flashback, lots of thinking back to mother harm, but an otherwise really nice day. And reading your journal entry here lifted my spirits, helped me feel not so alone in what I believe NK called "thrashing around in life."

I'm glad you got to enjoy the moments of rain falling in the woods out your window.

[NarcKiddo]

Bear in mind, ZR, that any 'homework' a therapist sets you is not mandatory and there is not a deadline. I am saying this totally from my own head, so there could be therapists who set compulsory homework with deadlines, but it does not sound like this is the case here. If you sit down to do a letter and can't for whatever reason, then much can be learned by thinking about (and maybe noting down to discuss with your T) what was stopping you. Really considering how you felt and what your emotions were (or were not) as you contemplated the letter. If you find yourself wanting to write another letter entirely, then write that one.

I'm glad you got your haircut and I'm sorry your day did not turn out as you wanted. It sounds like maybe you needed some rest and I'm glad you were able to take a little time to enjoy the view of the woods from your living room.It sounds lovely.

[zen_racer]

Marcine, I'm sorry you're having difficulties as well, but I'm glad my journal helped.  You aren't alone.

NK, that's a good point about not having a deadline, and if I can't do it, then start exploring why.  You saying that actually made me remember why.  The point of the letter is to start to develop righteous anger towards how I was treated.  That is exactly something I was trained to not be able to do.  Back when my brother would constantly beat me and break my things, it was never a behavior problem for him, it was always that I had an anger issue and would be punished for it.  I don't know how to get that back.

editing to add that after a search on this subject, it is likely shame blocking my anger because I was shamed for ever having it for unfair treatment by my abusers.

 

I think I've decided that one of my boundaries is going to be no family on weekends.  I will have to see if I can organize or group their contacts on my phone to automatically block them on weekends.  Weekends are for me to rest, recharge, be productive.  Not have disruptions from people who only seek to gain at my expense.

[zen_racer]

Just something I wanted to get down for myself to remember later.  This is about learning as a very very young child that I couldn't just answer questions.  Instead, I had to recognize word traps, and try to avoid stepping on all the landmines littering the way that they expect me to answer.

My dad called this morning.  Innocent reason enough, it's my birthday this next week, and he wants gift ideas.  Honestly I struggle with this, because I don't want anything from anyone anymore.  It's as much of a trap (moreso from my M than others) as anything else from them, and it's to make sure they feel good about what they've done for me, often at the expense of how they treat me to do so.

But in this conversation, he asked me about my recent promotion, but the alarm bells went off and I recognized the trap for what it was.  I doubt that anyone here would assume I'm being over-dramatic, but I want to be clear.  When I first told my dad that I was being promoted to be an engineer, that put me on equal footing with his position for his career.  When I first told him, immediately after congratulating me, his first comment was that if it didn't work out, I could always go back to my previous position.  Immediate thoughts of failure wasn't any part of my reaction to getting the promotion what was specifically because of how well and thoroughly I did my job.  But I did then have to get over the automatic assumption by him that I would need a backup plan, and then stop myself from questioning whether I was good enough.

This time, instead of just asking how the new position was going, he specifically asked how I liked it compared to the last position.  And rather than just being able to answer, I had to do word play gymnastics to respond in a way to minimize or eliminate the ways he could try to undermine me.

"Well, that's an unfair comparison.  I had spent a year and a half doing really well at my last position after taking the time to get used to it.  I'm still acclimating to the new position.  But I haven't had any reasons to dislike it, and I'm getting good results.  In this short time, I've already found shortcomings on machines I've been asked to focus on, and have suggested improvements to the manufacturers of those machines.  In one case, after I illustrated to them exactly why it was an issue, they had a new design to run past me just a week later."

What makes me sad, and maybe even bordering on the anger I'm supposed to be able to feel is that I clearly remember an instance where I had already learned this about my parents when I was young enough that I was just starting to dress myself.  It had to be around 3 or 4.  They kept thinking that I was too stupid as a kid to understand their wordplay jokes where they had fun at my expense.  They would tell me to do things like pick up my room, and after I'd clean my room, they'd tell me that I hadn't done what they asked.  "We said pick your room up, not clean it. Hahahahahaha"  Well, after enough times of ignorant stuff like that, I decided to play their game.  Every night, my dad would tell me to put clean underwear on.  So that's exactly what I did.  After a week, he went to tuck me in and found me wearing many pair of underwear.  "What's going on here, I've told you to change your underwear every night."  "NOOOOO, what you said was to put a clean pair on.  I DID!"  I was angry, not joking.

Until now, I ignored the significance of that and assumed that it was because they had gotten used to how slow my brother was at learning things.  Me being the 2nd (and last) child, their experience hadn't prepared them for a child that was so much smarter.  But really, that doesn't matter.  What kind of parents use their children as the butt of jokes by demeaning them and intentionally trying to create shame over mistreatment?

[Marcine]

Hi ZR,
"Weekends are for me to rest, recharge, be productive.  Not have disruptions from people who only seek to gain at my expense."
-Right on, my friend.

"... try to avoid stepping on all the landmines littering the way"
-What an impossibly difficult job, I empathize and have had to navigate the minefield too. Very stressful, dangerous, unfair place to be.

"the alarm bells went off and I recognized the trap for what it was."
-Fantastic clarity, ZR.

"And rather than just being able to answer, I had to do word play gymnastics to respond in a way to minimize or eliminate the ways he could try to undermine me."
-That must be exhausting, ZR, to have to double-think and anticipate the attack rather than simply be able to share good news with a caring parent who is curious and would want to celebrate your accomplishments... Sigh. I have some experience with this type of baiting behavior from a jealous, insecure, sadistic parent.

"In this short time, I've already found shortcomings on machines I've been asked to focus on, and have suggested improvements to the manufacturers of those machines.  In one case, after I illustrated to them exactly why it was an issue, they had a new design to run past me just a week later."
-Serious accomplishments and competency, ZR!

"I was angry, not joking."
-Their sadistic, cat-toying-with-a-mouse behavior and word play, at the expense of a child, gets my ire up. I understand how you would feel angry and were expressing it in the only allowable ways.

"What kind of parents use their children as the butt of jokes by demeaning them and intentionally trying to create shame over mistreatment?"
-Insecure, immature, jealous, sadistic, manipulative, small-minded, grinch-hearted ones who see their children as threats and who have no interest in accountability or learning or loving.

Respect for seeing clearly and speaking your truth, ZR.

[zen_racer]

Respect for seeing clearly and speaking your truth, ZR.

Thank you for the breakdown like that, Marcine.  I definitely feel validated now, and less likely to question my own observations of that behavior.

Thank you for the compliments as well. 

[NarcKiddo]

It's horrible having to be several steps ahead at all times and scan for the inevitable traps in what sound like innocent questions.

I'm sorry little ZR had to wear all that underwear to make his point. A point well made, but even so. Did it make any difference? (If they were anything like my FOO the answer will sadly be "no" but at least you had the gumption to try.)

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, i completely agree w/ marcine's breakdown.  you had and have every right to be angry about how you were and continue to be treated. i also agree w/ NK, that therapeutic assignments are suggestions that may be helpful, or can be utilized to explore and discover why they are difficult.  no deadlines, no pressure.  those of us who are people pleasers tend to get caught up in this stuff - not saying you are, but i, for one, did every assignment ever given to me w/in the week.  i know now i was looking for praise.

i like the idea of beginning NC as a weekend exercise.  you deserve time off from that crapola, from defending yourself, from jumping thru their hoops.  i hope it goes well.  love and hugs

[zen_racer]

A point well made, but even so. Did it make any difference? (If they were anything like my FOO the answer will sadly be "no" but at least you had the gumption to try.)

No, in fact, it's a favorite story of my Dad's to tell at family get togethers, and he still refuses to accept that I understood what was happening.

[NarcKiddo]

No, in fact, it's a favorite story of my Dad's to tell at family get togethers, and he still refuses to accept that I understood what was happening.

Ugh. 

[zen_racer]

those of us who are people pleasers tend to get caught up in this stuff - not saying you are, but i, for one, did every assignment ever given to me w/in the week.  i know now i was looking for praise.

i like the idea of beginning NC as a weekend exercise.  you deserve time off from that crapola, from defending yourself, from jumping thru their hoops.  i hope it goes well.  love and hugs

Thank you San. Yeah, I'm definitely a people pleaser. I've been working on that for a little while. For me, I'm supposed to do it, and I don't want to get in trouble. I also want to get the benefit. But I think I tend to focus sometimes a little too literally too. Thinking about this last post of mine about this stuff, I think I am reconnecting with my anger a bit. I think I've also realized I don't have to be angry to start the letter, which should've been obvious to me anyway.

Love and hugs! 

[HannahOne]

There's nothing over-dramatic about self-awareness, other-awareness, and setting your boundaries! Good for you! 

Knowing who they are... helps you know how to be with them. Which is probably angry, because anger is the sign that a boundary has been crossed, and they are professional boundary-crossers.

Trust yourself.

[zen_racer]

Not much to report on this evening.  I did have the massage therapy visit.  It was very relaxing.  I think when she got done with my legs and feet, it's the best they've felt in a very long time.  She also spent a lot of time on my forearms and hands.  I couldn't help but start to think about how grounding exercises are sometimes described as getting you in tune with your body.  Is massage therapy a cheat code?  Is it practical grounding?  Do I have to worry about having am EF during a session?  That's actually an important question for me, because if it's possible I should probably warn her.

When she spent that much time on each hand, it reminded that decades ago, I had found a way to massage my own hands.  I can only imagine that would be a fantastic grounding exercise.  Maybe not, and I need to learn more about grounding exercises.

I feel like I've taken enough of a break from reading about cptsd or trauma or symptoms and such that I'm not having EF's like I was.  I almost feel like I'm going back to normal, starting to have humor again.  I catch myself wondering if I have to keep going, and that seems like a dangerous line of thought.  I'm still as bad as I was when I found out about cptsd.  I'd still be the same person that would only have failed relationships.  I wouldn't be any better.  Is this just fear of confronting things further?  Is it just hoping for the easy way out?  ...  I think it's at the very least fear of not knowing how it's going to go.  Fear that if I go too deep, maybe it would mess me up too much to keep my job.  I know there's still fear of what I'm going to uncover if I keep going.  I still wish I hadn't remembered what I did from the drinking binge.  Is it okay to feel a little bit normal after what I've found out about myself, knowing that I haven't made any real progress on anything yet?  Is this normal going to feel much, much worse compared to how I might feel in a year or two with real effort and progress?

Saved by the bell.  Time to take my medicine and go to bed.  I can do more reading tomorrow.

There's nothing over-dramatic about self-awareness, other-awareness, and setting your boundaries! Good for you! 

Knowing who they are... helps you know how to be with them. Which is probably angry, because anger is the sign that a boundary has been crossed, and they are professional boundary-crossers.

Trust yourself.

Thank you HannahOne.  Your response happened while I was typing.  Thank you for cheering me on.  That whole 2nd line, ... wow.  That really puts it in perspective.

[HannahOne]

ZenRacer, FWIW my thought is that yes, it's ok to feel normal. In my experience it's really important to consider what you're describing, which is a kind of pendulation as Peter Levine calls it, between the distress and calm. Between then and now. Between our pain and our sense of safety. If we focus only on CPTSD, we'll decompensate. If we live as if nothing happened to us, we will be cut off from ourselves and may have more EFs. Pacing is essential for me. Trauma is "too much too fast." So I can't push myself too fast, too hard, even in an effort to heal, or I'll retraumatize myself. Pacing is self-care and self-respect, not forcing myself to confront more than I can process and integrate at any given moment. I hope these thoughts are useful, if not please feel free to ignore them. This is just my experience and you know what's best for you!