Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[NarcKiddo]

 

[zen_racer]

I thought I had time to put off thinking about how I should deal with family when I'm finally acknowledging how bad the trauma actually was.  My B texted today.  Apparently he planned some thing at this house, probably on the group text I have blocked.  I tried to ignore it and didn't respond.  There is a 0% chance that I'll ever bring up anything to anyone in my family.  That would be pointless and just lead to more trauma from them.

I don't want to have to deal with them anymore.  I don't want to give any explanation or hear anything they'd say about it.  Maybe that's just an outburst, maybe it finally needs to happen.  I don't know.

At least for today, I ran away from that obligation and followed through with my plans and took the motorcycle to a park and went on a 3 mile hike.  It's my first time back to this trail since graduating from PT for stabilizer muscle loss from when my gallbladder went bad.  I can do that hike a lot easier now.  It climbs about 41 flights of stairs worth of elevation, according to the health app.  Along the way I stopped and had a photo shoot with a red fox that was on the trail that ran up a short cliff and then posed for me on top of the rocks.  It almost felt like a sign and I wanted to stay to see what would happen, but instead I thanked the fox and wandered away down the trail.  For a good portion of the hike, I listened to music on earbuds.

I'm so much more tired than I would be if the hike were not accompanied by an emotional journey as well.  But I want to try to do self care better on this 3 day weekend since I finally have a little time, so I'm going to lay down and take a nap.

[dollyvee]

The hike sounds lovely. Well done for doing something for yourself and setting a boundary with your fmaily.

[NarcKiddo]

 

[Blueberry]

 

[zen_racer]

Okay, yesterday was another day of struggling with realizations that impact how a see a large portion of my life.  Today, I'd like to try something different and start the day off with a better foot forward.

• I drank almost 24 ounces of water before letting myself have my morning coffee
• I'm acknowledging that yesterday was a difficult day which was made better by people here, and by reaching out to a friend
• I want to remind myself that sometimes, there are kind people out there by being thankful for the woman I met that's helping me clean my house.  Nothing else going on there, but I ran into her at the grocery store and heard her talking with someone else in line about cleaning houses.  When they were done chatting, I asked about her cleaning houses, and she eventually came to see the house and talk about prices.  I still had rooms with boxes that weren't unpacked, everything was a mess.  She recognized right away that something was off, but not in a negative way.  She recognized that I had been through things, and was overwhelmed and needed help to get myself to start functioning better.  She's even, after asking if it was okay, given me small tasks as homework between her visits here to help me start building better habits for self and home care.  She's been doing that before I ever made the connection with cptsd or even started trying to find help (this most recent time).  People always talk about trauma informed therapists here.  If there was a category for trauma informed house cleaner, she'd be a perfect example.  I am thankful for how understanding and helpful she's been, and the compassion she has shown to me.

It's hard finally getting answers for things that have been persistent problems in my life, for things I wasn't even aware were problems because my brain hid things from myself.  It's difficult learning that I can't always trust myself because of my brain hiding things.  It's easy to fall into a pattern of thinking "if only I could've been normal" and thinking of all that time wasted when I could've gotten help.  Maybe I need to remember that almost nothing in life is pure good or pure bad.  There are pros and cons to everything.  I don't yet know how to get to acceptance of where I am after realizing that so much could have been so much better.  I'm kind of wondering what's supposed to come first, anger over what's been done to me, or mourning all the things I've lost and all the things I've had to endure.  Is it important to remember the benefits of having a metabolism later in life made me a natural athlete?  Does the good ever outweigh the bad?

When should I start trying to put an emphasis on having some kind of idea of if I could fix everything wrong with me, what do I think my life would or should look like?  Is it wrong, or okay, or even normal to feel so weird about knowing that a few weeks ago, I would've had no idea what that life should look like, and since spending time here and reading about so many other people struggling with similar things as me that now I at least have a couple points I can think of?  In this moment of clarity, I can recognize that I've been stuck in the phase of being flooded with information that skews my perspective to see and focus on what's wrong.  I can see that to some degree, I need to stay focused on that, because without it, I'll end up dissociating until I don't ever do anything to fix it.  But I also need to stay grounded enough see the positives, to recognize and acknowledge the things that have gone right, so I can work towards having more and more of those patterns and events.  Is there an easy way to find that balance, or is it always a wandering path influenced by everything going on, and teetering from one side to the other until an equilibrium is found?

At work, when fixing complicated automated machinery, made even more complicated with machines interconnected and sharing information between them, I often look at all the problems a machine is having.  I determine which is the most important or foundational problem, and work on resolving that to see what other issues it has resolved, and then work outwards towards the most superficial issues.  I find myself wanting to do that to myself.  But I think I've reached a point where I have to concede that it is too overwhelming.  Sometimes, I need to stop fact finding, and just work on the issues in front of me.  Start getting some kind of resolution with those to give me the capacity to see other things to work on.  The big picture may just be too large when I'm stuck looking at details that are so small that I can't get my bearings to create a map to work towards a solution.

Sorry for rambling.  I'm going to blame it on not finishing my coffee before posting this.

[Blueberry]

Hey, you're allowed to ramble on your own journal, no apologies necessary! Besides maybe some answers or solutions will turn up while you're mulling here. Used to happen to me a lot here on OOTS!

Thank goodness for trauma informed housecleaners! Thank goodness you happened across one. 

[NarcKiddo]

Thank goodness for trauma informed housecleaners! Thank goodness you happened across one.

Hear, hear! I am wildly envious of that house cleaner.

[HannahOne]

IT's messy, ZenRacer, and, you're doing it. This is it. It's just this.

When I read about your encounter with the fox, I couldn't not think of the Little Prince. I don't know what associations that story may have for you, so ignore if not helpful. The fox there represents love for the little Prince, the fox says things like (I read it in French so might not translate perfectly) "One must have ritual." One must have accountability, routine, commitment... and you're working on that in your relationship with yourself. And the fox says "It is with the heart that one can see accurately." And "words are sources of confusion." And I see in your journal you seeing things with your heart and seeing how words can become distractions, thinking about how it could have/should have/would have been better is the mid's effort to solve grief and pain. But words can't solve grief, it must be felt, and seen with the heart. You're doing that. We're all in it with you, as you see by reading here.

[zen_racer]

I wish I could say that my attempt at starting the day off on the right foot had any kind of positive or lasting effect, or that my moment of clarity helped me find some kind of truths that made the day easier.  It did not.  My M called.  I ignored it.  My B texted again.  I ignored it.  I know what that means.  Sooner or later, later tonight, tomorrow, sometime soon they'll be acting like I'm doing something wrong.  It's ridiculous how they will ignore calls or texts from me for sometimes weeks or months, but if I ignore them at all, for any length of time, then it's a problem.  And I think that is signaling to me that I kind of really don't have a choice.  If I am supposed to create a sense of safety, which includes not being around my abusers, then NC might be the only way.  The only thing that's really changed is that now I'm bigger and stronger than my B, so he doesn't even try the physical abuse.  It's difficult for me to just ignore contact.  I like to treat people how I would like to be treated, but being around my family or subjected to their toxicity makes me wonder if that rule of life is all a lie told by abusers to the people they abuse so they can have an easier time of it.  Was that just part of the training I got as a child to be a better victim?  The only thing I'm clinging to at the moment is that if it's okay for them to ignore any of my attempts at communication, then it's fair game.  I'm literally the only person in my family that still works, so frankly I just don't care that they're trying to contact me on a holiday weekend.  Me having a rare holiday does not mean I'm obligated to let them dictate how I spend my time.  I need to try to relax, to recoup energy and recharge, and that is impossible around them.

I don't know how to deal with them.  I now fully recognize that everyone in my family only listens to try to prove anything I say wrong, even if it's just my own opinion, or to use whatever I say against me.  They do not listen to understand, ever.  Everything is a judgement against me to them.  So I don't want to say anything.  I don't want to confront any of them.  I don't even want to tell them to not contact me.  I don't want to hear anything from them.  I'm not interested in their horrible opinions.  I'm not going to explain anything.  And yet, ignoring the situation also seems like it's just destined to end badly for me.  I seriously wouldn't put it past anyone in my family to try to sabotage the job I have out of spite just because I stop trying to appease them.  I don't know how to handle it.

Hannah, what is IT?  The translation of the story is fine.  At least, I assume it is because all of that made sense.  Fun fact, I took French in High School, but barely remember any of it.  I think I could survive in a French speaking country, because I could order food and drink, but I might die from flavor boredom because I'd only be able to order very few things using only French.

I ended up driving to the city to buy a video game I've been wanting to use as a distraction.  I intended to make a day of it and get a nice meal somewhere, try someplace new.  By the time I got there, I already wasn't feeling it and just came home.  I did end up stopping at the small local pub even though I didn't want to, just so I could have an easy meal.

I just remembered that I didn't take my medicine earlier today.

Note to self, on my upcoming birthday that I'm taking a couple days off work, block all family member phone numbers so I don't even see them trying to contact me.

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, i think the idea of treating others the way you'd like to be treated is a wonderful idea.  however, it does not mean that we have to give them full rein to run roughshod over us, let them do or say whatever they want to us.  setting and holding our own boundaries is part of self-care, which doesn't mean we don't care about the others, only that we know what's ok and not ok for us and we care about ourselves.  we have a right to defend ourselves and our boundaries, which has nothing to do w/ treating anyone else badly.  we need to treat ourselves to what's best for us first and foremost.

what you wrote about things being overwhelming, well, i do think that the whole-ness of what we're dealing with is too big to take on all at once.  i heard the saying 'take care of the little things, and the big things will take care of themselves', and i've come to believe that in pretty much every part of my life, including recovery and healing.  as i've heard many times on the forum, every step, no matter how small, counts.  as you continue this journey, each step gets you closer to your goal.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

I'm sorry your family are intruding. Your birthday plan sounds sensible and I hope you have a good break from work.

And yet, ignoring the situation also seems like it's just destined to end badly for me.  I seriously wouldn't put it past anyone in my family to try to sabotage the job I have out of spite just because I stop trying to appease them. 

The whole paragraph from which I have quoted up to this point is grounded in fact and reason as far as I can see. You know what your family is like from bitter experience. You don't want to do certain things and that is perfectly reasonable. You do not have to communicate a boundary to implement it. The quoted part is, I think, where trauma thinking is coming in. Do not read the rest of this post if you are feeling fragile because it could feel a bit shaming. It is not meant to, as I am just discussing the issues I see in your post and am hoping my comments may be helpful, but it is possible my words could land wrong, especially if you are coming at it from a younger point of view, which is quite common when you are feeling bad.


The quoted words seem to me like the young ZR is feeling that the family has all the power and that they can and will sabotage everything. At a time when you are feeling more robust it might be worth exploring your fears around them sabotaging the job. Could they really? Is your employer truly likely to listen to the rantings of an old person who has nothing to do with the company and fire you? You do a good job and are valued by your employer. If there is, in the cold light of day, anything your family could realistically do, or might try, then you can pre-warn your employer. There have been people on here who have had to tell office security not to let a person in. It is quite possible that you have many fears that were totally real when you were young but don't have power now you are an adult, even though I know it does not feel that way. I have had so many discussions with my T where I say something like 'but M might say or do x' and she says 'so what?'. More politely than that, but words to that effect. And then we talk through why I do not have to be affected by M's reaction or plan my life around it.

NC may be the answer for you, but it is worth remembering that going NC does not always mean that you stop giving your family real estate space in your head. I have for the moment decided it is not the answer for me, for various reasons, but I now approach that decision from a position of much more power. I have started implementing boundaries with my FOO. I have said 'no' to my M on several occasions. I thought the sky would fall in. She hates the word 'no'. As a kid she could make * rain down on me. As an adult, I have discovered she cannot. In fact after pushing at my boundaries a few times (which they generally do at first) she is pretty careful now about how she approaches me because she does not want me to say 'no' to her face. Even if I end up going NC I have now proved to myself that I can protect myself effectively and that Little NK can feel safe with me. It makes such a difference to all aspects of life. My M can of course still push me into a raging EF but it is much more rare these days and I can often catch it before it gets too deep.

 

[zen_racer]

Thank you sanmagic7.  I'm really bad at taking care of myself first.  I have a problem with saying no.  I completely shut down at any confrontation.

I don't know, I had a particularly bad night, and I'm not ready to be positive about anything at the moment.

...

NK ... before I say anything else about your response,  It's helping me in ways you likely didn't expect.  I am in a fragile state.  I was sitting here wishing I could go back to dissociation from everything about learning of cptsd, and stuck with horrible emotions that I couldn't really feel enough to process.  Reading your response I think pushed me that little bit further, enough to trip the relief valve if that makes sense.

I see where you're coming from about that sentence being a younger me that's afraid for very valid reasons.  I guess for the current me, that is exactly one reason why I won't ever let my family know that I'm aware of anything, or working with a therapist, or dealing with cptsd.  Would it cause real issues at work?  Maybe you're right.  It is the most positive place I've worked at, and the people there do seem understanding.  I can't really put the risk in quantifiable terms, I can say that with my luck, anything that can go wrong outside of my control usually does.

My M also hates when I tell her no.  I have gotten better at this.  She used to do every manipulative thing she could, including fake crying and throwing a tantrum and threatening me just for saying no.  Still, to this day with me almost 50, if I say no and it's something she doesn't want to hear, she acts like I haven't given an answer and keeps asking me the same thing until I finally raise my voice, in which then I'm blamed for raising my voice, and then she acts like because I raised my voice, I don't get to give my own answer.  She is absolutely the type that loves to push people's buttons to get a reaction, and then blame them for the reaction.  I am still the only person in the entire extended family where she acts like I'm not allowed to say no or do something she doesn't like.  When I bought my current house just a few years ago after moving back to the area, she made a huge deal and complained to everyone in the family about how selfish and horrible I was because she wanted to give me her old nasty coat hangers.  I had told her that I have some very heavy things like a leather motorcycle jacket with armor and other articles of clothing that would just bend her hangers and fall on the floor.  That I'd rather spend a little on having all hangers that would support the things I had so I wouldn't ever have to spend time swapping hangers between things already in the closet.

As for younger me and that fear ... this may or may not be a TW.  I spent around 4-5 years living on the farm in a house right next to were my GF lived, her D.  At first, it was because I had left her house and was able to afford the very low rent he offered, but it quickly turned into me staying there much longer than I had intended because he started getting to be too bad with dementia and Alzheimers (sp?) to be able to stay there on his own.  I was able to help keep him in his house for around 4 years longer because I was helping him.  It was one of the reasons I dropped out of college.  I even took him to his last Marine reunion.  But eventually he got too bad for me to take care of anymore.  When people like that get to that point, they start attacking the people they're closest with.  So it got to where I couldn't care for him anymore, and I had to convince my mom and aunt that it had gotten to where I couldn't do it, and he needed to go to a nursing home.  She directly blamed me for years, going out of her way to attack me and make my life as miserable as she could, as if it was something I did to her dad.  I was at work one day, and she showed up out of nowhere to let me know that she had the dog I grew up with put down, as bluntly and harshly as she could.  She just wanted to drop an emotional bomb on me at work to make it as hard for me as she could.  No calling to let me know the dog was getting bad, no letting me know to be able to say good byes.  Just having my childhood dog killed to use as a weapon against me.

Having to come to that conclusion about my GF, having to convince my mom to have him put in a home, and how she reacted is just one of the things that pushed me into the drinking binge back then.  She's the reason I moved away for 22 years, and I should never have come back.

I'm sorry, I got side tracked.  I really appreciated reading this part -- "I have now proved to myself that I can protect myself effectively and that Little NK can feel safe with me."  I don't know how to get there, but now I have a concrete goal to work towards.  I seriously must have an issue with even understanding the concept of safe as it applies to anything but physical safety.

To reiterate for myself, I think you may be right that it's a younger me that's afraid of what my family might do.  But I still wouldn't put it past them even at this point.  This was a little triggering for me, but not bad and I feel much calmer now than before.  I'm also starting to understand these concepts better.  Thank you for such a thoughtful response.  I'm sorry, but I'm going for a 2nd hug. 

[Marcine]

Zenracer,
You get to have boundaries now. It sounds like you are exploring what that means for you. More power to you!

As NK mentioned, enforcement is part of boundary-keeping. Long ago, I had to call the police on my mother when she showed up unannounced on my front porch after flying across the continent and would not leave my property.

That day, law enforcement was professional and effective, "you need to leave m'am, she does not want you here." And they escorted her away.

Since then I have met many people from all walks of life who have family members requiring stiff boundaries. I have learned there is no shame in setting, enforcing, and communicating these boundaries. In fact, it is necessary and healthy. We were just programmed in early life to not do it.

In other words, you are not alone in all this. And if you need to communicate to your employer, you may be surprised how understanding and supportive they are.

I think saying enough-is-enough is testimony to your growing self-respect, willingness to see reality for what it is, and knowing your peace is worth protecting.

[NarcKiddo]

I seriously must have an issue with even understanding the concept of safe as it applies to anything but physical safety

Yep. A few years ago that was my situation too. I live in a safe house with a safe husband and I had no idea at all. Until you've felt it it's impossible to imagine so don't beat yourself up about that. It's also kind of hard to work towards something you have no idea about, but working on how you feel and calming your emotional reactions and supporting yourself through triggers and interacting with safe people will get you there. In my experience it just kind of grows organically without being necessarily noticeable until one day you realise how different you feel now to how you felt then, and how differently you are reacting.

I am so sorry to read about how your M treated you, especially in connection with your GF and your dog. Awful. She sounds like a right piece of work. And it is no surprise that she made such a fuss about coat hangers. Coat hangers! Someone unfamiliar with this sort of thing would have a hard time imagining that anyone would ever have a tantrum about that. But it is so typical. Well done for standing your ground.

I'm glad and relieved to know my post was helpful. I also have a tendency to try to help that is not always helpful so if you ever feel you just want a bit of space, especially here in your journal, please don't hesitate to say.