Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[Blueberry]

You can put a trigger warning in your own journal, not so much at the top as a general warning but rather within your journal before a topic you think might be very difficult for other readers. If possible with a subject like violence/CSA/self-harm  or whatever. And then End TW when the difficult subject is over.

Also general forum Guidelines apply, so no plans for violence towards other people, not even our abusers. And no swearing.

You can write as much as you want, and you can also stipulate what you want from other people, like validation and encouragement are fine, but please no suggestions, or whatever. Just an example.

Hope this helps.

[zen_racer]

You can put a trigger warning in your own journal, not so much at the top as a general warning but rather within your journal before a topic you think might be very difficult for other readers. If possible with a subject like violence/CSA/self-harm  or whatever. And then End TW when the difficult subject is over.

Also general forum Guidelines apply, so no plans for violence towards other people, not even our abusers. And no swearing.

You can write as much as you want, and you can also stipulate what you want from other people, like validation and encouragement are fine, but please no suggestions, or whatever. Just an example.

Hope this helps.

Thank you, Blueberry, that does help.  I think I know how to handle it now.

[zen_racer]

Since joining here, I've read so much that was so familiar that I've started recovering some memories and having a few EF's.  One of those happened yesterday after seeing the T for the first time, but it was bound to happen from what I had already started by reading things here.  This post/journal entry is specifically for me to try writing it down in hopes that it lets me let it go.  I don't want these memories.  I don't think these memories are good for anyone.  Frankly, I'm sobbing just beginning to think about them again.  I'm not saying don't comment if you want to, but I am saying I'm okay if no one does and I don't want to make anyone read this.  I'm not sure anyone should read this.

Heavy Trigger Warning for alcohol, self harm, and suicidal ideation/action for the rest of this post.


I had an EF, and then visual/memory flashback, about one specific instance during my 3.5 month drinking binge.  I don't remember the whole thing, so I don't remember if this was what caused the binge to end, or if it kept going after this.  I think this was my lowest point, in the binge and in life.  I've already mentioned that I started the binge to numb the pain, and it quickly turned into drinking with the intent to cause self harm.  That wasn't the only self harm I was doing then.  Some of the largest scars on my arms and legs came from that binge, I think.  Even last night after the memory "came back", I was apparently wrong about what happened during this one event of the binge.  I had an even more vivid recall of those memories this morning, on my drive to work.  I considered calling in.

I used to think that I had gotten drunk on vodka and decided to go for a walk, in a snow storm.  I thought it was a time I almost died because I was so drunk that I laid down and fell asleep in a cemetery, in a snow storm.  Before I got to this point in the binge, I hated myself.  I started drinking more and more to make myself feel worse and worse, because I thought I deserved it.  I wanted to make myself feel as horrible on the outside as I felt on the inside.  I eventually started getting the shakes the next day during the hangover, but I kept drinking more and more, and started getting the shakes from alcohol the same night.  I think this memory happened after that.  ... I wanted to die that night.  Just slip away so I'd never have to feel that bad again.  I had bought bottle of vodka and had a bottle of schnapps of some kind.  I drank the whole bottle of vodka.  I think I started questioning that the schnapps would be enough to finish the job.  I was too drunk to drive, especially in a winter storm, so I was walking to the store to buy more vodka.  It was too far and snowing too much.  I wasn't too tired, I thought I could just lay down, fall asleep, and freeze to death in a cemetery.  When I woke up, under the snow, I got angry that it didn't work.  I walked back to my apartment and drank the bottle of schnapps.  I was drunk for two and a half days, and my stomach was bleeding for over a week.  I remember not being able to stand up straight for around 5 days because my stomach hurt so much.

I almost succeeded twice in one night. ... Because of the more detailed flashback this morning, I remember it all.  I remember how much I hated myself.  How much I hated being alive.  I remember how much I hated the family that made me feel that way, and I remember being alone.  I think it took the week of healing before I really made a choice, but I think that's when I quit drinking.  Frankly, I'm not going to find my journal from them and read it now.  I think that was when I stopped feeling most emotions.  I think that's when I stopped having dreams.  It's definitely when I forgot about a year of my life leading up to the drinking binge.

Before this, I only had false memories of what happened.  In my mind, I had only done a 3 week drinking binge, and it was only because I decided to try having one for fun because I never had before.  But because of the journal I kept, I know it was 3.5 months.  I know it was because everything in my life imploded right then.  And I know that because of the worst and most traumatic of the events leading up to this, I was nonstop attacked by my M.

Okay, that's as far as I can go right now.  I'm sorry if anyone has read this, but it did help me feel better.