Zen_Racer's Recovery Journal

[zen_racer]

Thank you everyone.

NK, I appreciate the support. 

SanMagic, I don't really know.  I'm probably grieving to some degree.  I think a lot of the issues I have with those memories is anguish for what I got from my M, and I don't really know if that's related to grief over what I should've gotten.  I think I might still be having issues accessing proper grief.  At least, I've just been reading about that in Complex PTSD: From Surviving To Thriving, and it seems like it fits.  Love and hugs, SanMagic. 

Marcine, I also appreciated her asking that, and then being assertive but polite in doing more to make sure I was okay when I was obviously having issues and had no plan to take care of myself.  I agree that it was a positive session. 

Hope, it definitely was a positive session.  Unfortunately, I did not sleep well.  I tweaked my back at work the previous day, and it's hurting a little more this morning than it was yesterday, unfortunately.  I'll be fine though.   

[sanmagic7]

hey, ZR, i think grieving is one of the things that goes both ways - we can grieve for what we lost, and also for what we never got.  i have a lot of grief to get thru because of the latter.  it's not usually something that's worked on in therapy, i've found.  more like, yeah, everyone has grieving to do.  i do know and continue to discover, how much i've lost because of what i didn't get that i needed in my life.  they're intertwined a lot of the time.  but that also can be how much i lost of myself, in my relationships, and in understanding everyday life because of what i DID get that wasn't beneficial for me. 

i think anguish is a good word here - i looked it up.  it may be a feeling i've overlooked cuz i've certainly been carrying a lot of pain and unhappiness within me.  lots of distress.  just didn't know how to bundle those up into one feeling, but, again, it would explain a lot of my life.  thank you for that.  and thanks for the love and hugs.  very special.  and i'm sending them right back to you.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

Sorry you tweaked your back. Hope it eases up soon.

The new therapist sounds very caring and helpful. I'm glad.

[zen_racer]

hey, ZR, i think grieving is one of the things that goes both ways - we can grieve for what we lost, and also for what we never got.  i have a lot of grief to get thru because of the latter.  it's not usually something that's worked on in therapy, i've found.  more like, yeah, everyone has grieving to do.  i do know and continue to discover, how much i've lost because of what i didn't get that i needed in my life.  they're intertwined a lot of the time.  but that also can be how much i lost of myself, in my relationships, and in understanding everyday life because of what i DID get that wasn't beneficial for me. 

i think anguish is a good word here - i looked it up.  it may be a feeling i've overlooked cuz i've certainly been carrying a lot of pain and unhappiness within me.  lots of distress.  just didn't know how to bundle those up into one feeling, but, again, it would explain a lot of my life.  thank you for that.  and thanks for the love and hugs.  very special.  and i'm sending them right back to you.  love and hugs

This is a really interesting response, SanMagic.  It made me think about it.  I know that in books and such, it's said that we have to grieve what we should have gotten, but didn't.  We have to grieve the relationship that we wanted and didn't get.  I understand that, but to me that is something that's hidden in the background.  Something I can get to later.  But what is obvious, extremely present, impossible to ignore was the vast amounts of abuse that I did get.  It seems like a distinction to me, but I'm not exactly certain about what the difference means.  Can I grieve getting something I didn't want?

After looking it up, I think my issue is semantics.  I can have grief over the abuse, but even though it's related, I think grieving is slightly different.  At least to my mind.  This is something I obviously need to learn a little more about.

[zen_racer]

The new therapist sounds very caring and helpful. I'm glad.

Thank you NK.  I think I may have made my back slightly worse at work today, but it's okay.  It's probably going to be fine in a day or two.  Fortunately, I've had enough injuries to know this one isn't bad.

I do like the new therapist.  Her genuine caring nature is something I needed at the end of that session.

I hope you're doing well.