looking for relief

[sanmagic7]

thanks for your continuing support, rainy.  one of the ways i'm self-caring is re-writing, the past in my mind.  it feels so good to get over these humps and move ahead, having been nurtured mentally and emotionally now.  it really feels good.

and a  back atcha, armee.  thanks for being here.

just letting this new part of my NN settle in.  the traumatic incident involved school and milk money.  i was probably barely 5 when i was sent home cuz i didn't have my milk money.  i lived about a block and a half away from school.  gamely, i walked home, went to the back door (i can still picture this as if it happened last week), turned the handle but the door was locked, so i knocked.  getting no response, i knocked harder.  i can see my little fist knuckling that big wooden door, my face drowning in tears, and feeling so very frightened.  it felt like life and death - i was going to die out there in the cold alone (maybe that's why the story of 'the little match girl' hit me so hard a few years later!  never put that together before).  i needed help and there was no one around to help me!

finally, my M opened the door, saw me sobbing outside, and said something about vacuuming so she didn't hear me.  after that my image blurred out, but i don't doubt i was given my milk money and sent back to school on my own.

wow, this is making me sick to my stomach writing it.  i've come to realize my M was an obsessive cleaner (we could eat off the floors, but that's not exactly nurturing).  anyway, in my mind i tried to have her be the kind of mom i needed at that moment, but got totally stuck.  couldn't picture it at all.  frustrating and unsettling.  finally i realized that my mother was incapable of being nurturing, having never been nurtured herself (strict catholic school, her M was a drunk, her F depressed, physical, emotional, mental abuse, etc.) so i had to pick a surrogate mom for this picture.  it was either going to be a faceless woman or the essence of me.

i struggled to find a perspective which would work, and decided to go w/ a perspective that focused on my needs at that time.  i would've needed to be swept into my mother's arms, telling me how sorry she was for not hearing me, telling me sweet nothings, that everything was going to be ok, bringing me into the house, sitting w/ me on her lap, sweet words over and over until i was able to settle down.  and then, she would've told me i didn't have to go back to school that day, that she'd bundle up the baby, take me to school the next day and explain to the teacher what had happened.  she would deal w/ the authority figure instead of making me face that teacher alone when i returned.

so, in reviewing this little piece of my life, the feeling of fear makes an appearance.  i don't know that i'd ever felt fear like that again in my life until a few years ago.  to me, this incident shows how i was made to stand up on my own w/o comfort, w/o the idea that my M had my back, w/o apology or acknowledgement of my pain, fear, panic.  one little incident wrote so much in my book of life and set me on a path of bleakness when it came to any kind of support or safety.

so, the task at this stage is exploration.  well, i explored how my M would react when i was in crisis, and it exploded in my hands.  the outcome was to be purpose.  i think my purpose came to be taking care of myself (not necessarily self-care - 2 different animals), using my little girl mind to figure out how to navigate the world full of adults, adult situations, adult reactions.  and so another nail was set into the coffin holding my deadened emotions and feelings.

when i told my D this story, and it came to the part where my mom opened the door to see me sobbing and distraught, my D immediately put out her arms as if to draw that little girl in, like the big hug emoticon we have here.  it was immediate, instinctive, and showed me this had indeed been traumatic.  thank the stars for my D - she's validated so much for me.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs if you want them, san. I can see from your description how scary that must have been for so little a child. I'm also impressed with how you describe the NN, knowing exactly what you needed from a "good mom". And the fact that your D's instincts were to hold you... That's wonderful. 

[Armee]

You are rolling back time and wrapping that scared maybe ashamed little girl up in a hug and telling her what she needed to hear and giving her the physical sensations of safety and acceptance and love she needed. That's pretty neat that your daughter too also stepped in and wrapped you up with a big hug. This is really good work you are doing San. Perhaps another book when you are done...

Big bear hug at the door for that little girl and for the 75 year old princess who still needs and deserves love and acceptance, like all humans do.

[sanmagic7]

CF, thanks so much for all your support as i go thru this.  you're wonderful.

hey, armee, you brought tears to my eyes.  thank you so. 

got back from a huge spa day, motel, eating different foods than normal, traveling, all kinds of body detoxing and manipulating, so i'm pretty stressed.  just kickin' back for now.

[rainydiary]

I hope that you find your balance after a big day out.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, rainy.  it's slow but sure.

it's something i have to keep in mind - the diet i rely on at home is quite simplistic, simplistic ingredients and preparations.  just 2 days of change really wracked my body and brain in a lot of different ways.  i hope i can remember this in times to come. 

i've still been sitting pretty comfortably w/ little 5-yr. old me being cuddled and coddled after her traumatic incident at the back door.  possibly later today or tomorrow i'll tackle another memory that came close upon this one - actually there are 2 of them.  one led me to making up stories to soothe my mind, ego, perspective, whatever was needed (and which i used most of my life after that) and one was again tied to my being a girl and being proud of it.

speaking of which, when i was on the massage table, a thought floated thru my mind - i don't have to be ashamed of my breasts.  it was a revelation to me, cuz i know i have been ever since they started sprouting.  i've never been comfortable being a girl altho i never wanted to be a boy.  how different my life might have been w/ just this bit put into place properly.  i believe this goes along w/ formation of self, which has been missing most of my life.

[milkandhoney11]

Sanmagic,
this sounds like a very positive realisation to make and I hope it will give you some relief.
I feel pretty much the same way. It always makes me a little uncomfortable when I have to fill out a form and say that I'm "female" when I don't really feel that way a 100%. I don't really mind that I'm being regarded as a woman by others but such a huge part of me feels genderless and sometimes I do struggle with the appearance of my body, as well.
I don't know, these feelings are very difficult to describe but I feel that these gender issues have somehow added to all my trauma. It's hard to accept yourself and find your own way when you don't fully understand who you are.
So, I just want to say that I understand how difficult it is to be in a body that doesn't quite feel right and I hope that you can find a way to overcome all this shame you are experiencing with regards to your breasts.
A lot of things may seem confusing right now and I can't promise it will ever go away, but if you want to talk about this at any time, I am here for you.

Take care and be gentle to yourself 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for your thoughtful reply, M and H.  i don't really have the problem about knowing my gender, just that i wasn't taught to be proud of it, proud of those parts of me that showed the world i was a girl, and being comfortable w/ them.   

to this topic, too, i had too many experiences where i was called by a boy's nickname, treated like a boy in some instances (like it's weak to cry or be emotional, a message too many boys get from the time they're young).  it was confusing, cuz i knew who i was in that sense but was shamed in some ways for it.  it's like my dad wanted me to be tough like a boy (he grew up on the streets) which negated me as being a girl.  at any rate, i'm reworking this scenario as i continue to rewrite my NN.  it's a bit disturbing, tho.  and distressing.

[Papa Coco]

San,

That last paragraph in your post is so inspiring. Whenever I speak openly with people of trauma, sexual identity issues almost always come up. For you to realize that you don't need to be ashamed of having a woman's body actually speaks loudly to me. I have always been ashamed of being male. Like you, it didn't mean I wanted to be female, but it did put a LOT of lifelong stress on me, beginning at puberty and never really ending. Not only genital stuff, but muscular stuff and hair. I remember being absolutely terrified to deal with my newly growing mustache. I was almost sixteen when my body and voice changed. (Late puberty) I was absolutely ashamed of every single change. UP until only a few years ago now, I've had constant recurring nightmares that I'm the only person who is walking around naked in public. I mean, nearly every night for nearly 60 years. It all recently ended. But sexual identity is identity and I have never been free to be proud of who I am on any level.

My knees were weak, and mouth was dry when, at fifteen, I asked my dad to teach me how to shave. Dad refused to teach me. I had to wait until I was sixteen, with a job and a car, so I could sneak out, buy my own razor and teach myself how to shave. At sixteen I got a job. First major purchase of my life was a car (and a razor). Second one was a weight bench and weights so I could try to build muscles so I wouldn't look so pathetic without a shirt on. So far, I've never fully recovered from the shame of becoming a boy in a man's body.

You are doing really good work with your inner child. I am inspired to do what you're doing. It's no fun being ashamed of my gender. It makes no sense. Almost exactly one half of all humans are male...why should I be so ashamed of being one myself?  (Answer: My mother hated men. So did my Narcissister. They hated women too, but they hated men more. From birth to my estrangement 50 years later, they routinely emasculated me every chance they got). I think it is cruel and easy to destroy a child while they're in puberty. Those monsters sure did a number on me.

You've given me a bit of hope that if I do like you're doing, maybe I can start to release some of THEIR stress that I'VE owned for 60 years now. Keep up the good work. I'm truly impressed and I'm planning to take it on for myself too.

[Armee]

What San is doing here seems to be the very template for recovery. I'm amazed you've found a way to reparent and resolve the traumas, redevelop a narrative that is true to yourself and what you needed without papering over the harm that was done. It's remarkable many times over.

And I'm grateful to both of you for bringing up gender discomfort. I feel the same way. Born a woman, feel like a woman, feel both deeply uncomfortable with being a woman and feel like not enough of a woman too, like too manly. I've had dreams where I am a gay man with hairy legs who is having his legs amputated without pain medicine and in my dream I deserve it because my legs are hairy but in my dream even though I'm this poor man I am also my female self. I used to bind my breasts because I hated them, even though I identify as female and am female. I wouldn't bring these things up in therapy because I'm so sure someone who isn't in it would not get it and would instead try to interpret it as a gender identify or sexuality issue, which it isn't really. Don't feel like dealing with that wild goose chase.

San,

I'm so sorry all these things happened to you. That you were not celebrated exactly as you are. And that you never got to really feel your feminity even though you were used through it. Love and hugs, right here, as long and often as you need as you work through the distressing and sad bits.

[Papa Coco]

San.

Your words, "let me be weak" to the universe send chills down my spine. Absolutely beautiful. And so, so, so telling. We Trauma survivors put too much on ourselves. To realize that and to ask for permission to be weak...chills again.

Hug, hug, hug!!!!

[sanmagic7]

hey, PC, i've always found it so awful that we carry around the feelings/emotions within ourselves that truly belong to others.  i sure do hope you can lose at least some of that stress that isn't yours.  and, yeah, the idea of being weak, just wanting to be cared for, comforted when i'm feeling down instead of having to pull myself up and do it, is something i'm wanting more and more as this goes on.  i'm getting too old for this crapola!

armee, as always, you're so thoughtful and kind.  you and PC got it about the gender thing.  weird - like it's a sub-category, but also not weird seeing as how we were raised.  i, too, have often thought i have more than the usual amount of testosterone!  who knows, who cares anymore, except it's still in my mind so needs to be dealt w/.  by the by, my T also used the word 'template' for what i'm doing, how i'm doing it. 

along w/ my body trying to right itself after my spa day (i've been in a lot of pain cuz everything was manipulated and nothing is used to trying to get rid of the inflammation which was moved around), i've re-visited the last scenario i went thru in my NN - and i've found that it really hasn't landed.  thinking about it last nite, i think it's because i tried to use a surrogate or myself in the position of my M, but it's not working like the scenarios before it.

when i first began this scene, i remember thinking i could not imagine my mother doing what i needed in that moment, so i switched it to include some nameless/faceless woman who would be nurturing to me in that moment.  i thought it would be good enough to proceed to the next incident, but i haven't been able to move on.  finally it hit me, i need to force this to be my M.  no one else will do.

i just took a moment and was able to picture her (i remember a photo of her in the 50's) and it all fell into place.  i could see her holding out her arms to bring me in from outside, apologizing to me, holding me close as she brought me into the house.  she's sitting w/ me, soothing words, holding me on her lap, all kinds of closeness and warmth, calming me down until a few last sniffles and a nose blow.

then she asked me what happened, apologized again for not being able to hear me (my T and i have discovered this was another part of her cleaning obsession) while i stood outside the door, and told me i didn't have to go back to school, i could stay home w/ her and my little sister, and she would pack my sis up in the morning and take me to school w/ the lunch money, would talk to the teacher for me (instead of sending me back to school on my own to deal w/ the authority figure), vouch for my absence the rest of that day, and i was able to join my classmates w/ a smile on my face.

the smile, in my mind, was for the knowing that my mom had my back, i could count on her to be there for me in ways i needed, and she would carry the adult weight of any situation i might find myself in.  it's a good feeling, solid and whole.  it speaks to both level 2 (autonomy vs shame and doubt) and level 3 (initiative vs guilt).  i have no doubt shame and guilt were running thru my system like wildfires.  i can already see how i'd have to push both those neg. energies down becuz i had to carry on, do what was expected of me.  no time for feelings.

this one feels very heavy.  but also very right.  it sheds light on how fending for myself continually negated emotions/feelings.  standing at the door, scared for my life, was the last time i remember feeling fear, giving into the feeling, just being w/ it.  that incident helped teach me to cover it all up so it wouldn't appear to me anymore.  and, as i said, i didn't have time to feel shame or guilt - i was too busy in my little girl's mind figuring out what i needed to do to eliminate these types of incidents.  yeah, that's a heavy thought.

[Armee]

Sending love and warmth to you San....75 and 5/6 year old you. 

[Armee]

I have a bit more time and space today and San, I hope this physical pain goes away soon for you.

It is very interesting to me that just coming up with an imagined mom for that scenario did not work. If it did I would think it would be too easy to paper over all the other negatives too, and would not be any more useful to healing that burying it back under the rugs it lived under before. RugS instead of rug because too much for any one rug.

This is why what you are doing is so novel and promising looking to me is because you are finding a way to face it head on and heal it step by step age and incident by age amd incident. Other approaches like this seem not much different than just pretending it all didn't happen.

You are saying "no. This did happen. It was not right for the following reasons. This is what I needed instead developmentally and emotionally and this is how I should have been treated instead. And then you imagine it and I bet you somehow install it in your brain just like the final steps of emdr.

[sanmagic7]

you know, armee, i think you may be right about the installation part.  as much as i wanted the surrogate mom to be enough, it just wasn't, and i couldn't be comfortable in my mind like that.  when i was able to put my mom's face on the nurturing figure, it kind of evolved into it actually being her.  she was what i needed, not someone else.  and, altho i'm dealing w/ this spa aftermath right now, i think i can say, looking at the scenario in the new way (altho a part of me knows she would never have done it like i needed) it's like i'm pushing my mind to believe, to resolve this even tho it couldn't ever be true. 

so, this is the first one of these incidents which have felt a bit unsteady.  right now i'm still sitting w/ it, going over it mentally every so often.  it feels like something else is missing that needs to be included.  i'll find it.  thanks for your thoughts and insights on this.  much appreciated.