looking for relief

[sanmagic7]

thanks notalone for the support.  he is really part of the eating issue - there's so much more that i'm finally looking into piece by piece. 

hey, rainy, i know a lot of us have been thoroughly taught from the time we're very young that to hate is very, very bad - parents, teachers, churches.  little kids aren't sophisticated enough to have a wide range of emotions/feeling, so love and hate become standard go-to's.  i love you cuz you gave me something i wanted, i hate you for being mean to me, etc.  maybe there's a piece of little kid who's showing her face here.  don't know, but something to look into.  thank you.

thanks for the hug, hope.  always welcome!

today in session i just talked a lot - still at the 3-yr. old stage.  this one's taking longer to move thru for some reason.  not sure - it may be because i'm doing some editing, so i've got to keep my head in that game for now.  but i did work on some food stuff.  so much of it is from my childhood - clean your plate, poor kids would give anything for the food you have, eat what your mother made you, etc.  good eastern european peasant stock, so lots of heavy foods, and lots of sugar.  canned corn or peas made up most of our veggie offerings, and not much on the fruit front, either.

but the words from my folks and other relatives was always to eat more.  some would get offended or hurt if a second helping was offered and refused.  always heavy desserts at family gatherings/holidays.  eat eat eat . . . i heard it all the time.  so, i basically learned to eat for others, out of guilt, shame, or manipulation.  can't hurt someone else's feelings, think of what they went thru to put this food on the table, all the effort . . .

basically buried under messages to eat for the wrong reasons - not to eat when i'm hungry and stop when i'm full, but eat cuz it causes some kind of feel-good in someone else.  later in life, i'd go out drinking on an empty stomach, never ate when i drank (didn't want to harsh that buzz!) but when i was through w/ the alcohol, i could wolf thru several burgers and sides.  donuts for lunch at the salons where i worked cuz we didn't have time for regular lunch.  nothing about my body's messages were taken into account.

then came using food either to fall asleep or to stay up longer.  my ex was in that latter category - i was trying to stay up late enough so we could go to sleep together, but as i said, he had his own mission, so i stuffed myself for nothing.  or, being sick in mexico, having a hard time getting enough sleep, i'd eat late morning in order to settle myself down enough to nap for a few hours.  too many years and too many examples of eating for reasons outside of what my body actually wanted and needed.

it even got to the point, again in mex., when i'd get stress flu and my hub and i ordered pizza and ice cream, scarfed them down as fast as possible.  the weird thing was, it always made me physically and mentally feel better.  don't know if it was the carbs and fat my brain was needing, but it did the trick.  so, i've used food/eating for medicinal purposes as well.

trying to come down from all that is disheartening if i look at the whole picture.  small pieces.  today i did flash technique on the idea of eating for the wrong reasons.  no big image reveals, but words took shape, such as it's ok to eat when i want to, it's ok to not eat for others, i can live ok on less food.  i know this is all true, cuz at one time or another i've actually eaten like this, and was at a healthy weight eating healthy amounts of food.  all the trauma that's being discovered and the resulting stress/tension i'm carrying has knocked that for a loop for quite a few years, but i'm hoping to get going on a healthier track.

i do have to lose weight cuz of the stress on my knees walking up and down stairs to our 3rd floor apt.  i can't afford to put any more on, so this is a health issue rather than an aesthetic issue.  i don't mind being overweight, but i've got to get it to a healthier place.  the bees' knees are important, too.

[Armee]

That last phrase made me smile. Tucking it away to inspire me.

That is a lot of trauma and messed up messages around food and it's purpose. Perhaps being very consciously aware of those messages will help...Like when I know my triggers it helps me not be so impacted by them because I know where they came from and it's not the present moment.

Best luck to you, San. Weighti loss is not easy but at least you have past proof you can do it.

I hope you can keep processing through your new narrative. I can imagine as life grows more complex it would take more time to get through. But its such a beautiful and positive exercise I hope you can keep going through it! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, armee, i absolutely intend to continue w/ my NN.  when the urge comes, i'll be there w/ bells on.  thanks for the encouragement for both this and my food/eating issues.  as usual, when i began listing them to my T there was a lot more to contend w/ than i first thought.  the list i wrote here is incomplete, but just a sample.  it's a lot to wade thru, but one step at a time!  i'm already feeling the effects in little ways, am not so panicky about it, so i know it's beginning.  thanks for being w/ me, my friend.

[sanmagic7]

i felt the urge to travel farther into my childhood yesterday, but as i was doing so, moving from 3 to 4 yrs. old, a song from 'flight of the conchords' came to mind, the one that goes  --  hey 'other 'ucker stop 'uckin' with my sh''  it kept repeating in my head until i finally realized that's what i'm working to get rid of - all the ways people messed w/ me, my being, and my spirit.  so, i got stuck - couldn't really move all the way to 4 yrs. old.

one thing i realized, tho, was that i needed to include my little sister in this, that she needed parents more suited to her as an individual.  she became the family bully as she got older, and i believe she, too, was NPD (classic signs, behaviors, victim stance, etc. so i don't know that different  parenting might have stopped that kind of thing, but  . . . .)  at any rate, by this time she was going on 2, and i could see my dad come home after work, he'd swing me around, give me a kiss and hug, call me his princess, then go to the high chair where she was sitting and kiss her on top of the head, smiling cuz he was so happy to have this family.

and my mom began reading books to me, letting her immaculate housekeeping go, and they would take me to the library every week and let me pick out books i wanted to hear.  it occurred to me that when i was young i would dissolve myself into books - i did go to the library a lot when i was younger, billy the bookworm and all - because they provided an escape from the tension i felt in the house, the stress of being perfect.  they were an escape as much as they were anything else.  i could escape my family situation, and would be so enmeshed w/ what i was reading that i often didn't hear anyone call my name till after the 3rd or 4th time.  alice in wonderland was my favorite.

so, i'm still somewhere between 3 and 4, and there may be more to put into place before i can move on.  so far, tho, so good.  it's surprising me how many little details this needs before i can leave one year or stage behind and go to the next. 

[rainydiary]

I appreciate that a Flight of the Conchords sang rang true during your exploration.  I also appreciate you notice something is suggesting you stay where you are and explore a bit more.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for your support, rainy.

gotta take some time off - i'm in the middle of a stress flu, so i decided to go join others on the healing porch.  the warm fire, the lapping waves, the smell of salt water, the cool sand, bermuda's s'mores, and blankets wrapped around me and anyone who wants one.  it relaxes me just to write about it.  anyone's welcome to join.

[Armee]

Sending big old hugs during your time off with stress flu. Nurture yourself well. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for all those hugs, armee.  loved them! 

tentatively feeling better, but not sure of my energy levels yet.  just wanted to pop in, say hi, and i'm on the mend.  that feels good.

[Armee]

So glad to hear. Keep resting and loving on yourself

[rainydiary]

I hope you continue to feel better. 

[sanmagic7]

tired today, but better.  thanks for the support, rainy and armee. 

happily, the shots didn't hit me as hard as they have in the past.  i've been able to do a little work on myself - i've been able to get to 4 yrs. old, comfortable in the idea of being a happy, cute, mischievous, curious little girl.  emphasis on girl.  i've seen pics of me when i was around 5 or 6, and i was adorable.

one thing that held me up w/ getting past 3 yrs. old was grieving.  a couple nites ago, a family show triggered me - the family rallied around on of the kids, supportive and accepting.  and i began sobbing, seeing what i had missed out on.  it also struck me that this grief was part of why i'd felt stuck at the age of 3, 3 1/2 - i can't just rewrite this narrative w/o acknowledging why the NN is so different from the reality.  i do believe that by the time i was 4 i was already nervous and anxious.  i see now i can't just hop, skip, and jump thru this w/o the work to turn the reality into something different in my mind.

i also did something yesterday that i haven't done in an awfully long time - i applied for a job!  part-time, editing papers, manuals, whatever that have been translated by someone from a foreign country.  the job would entail making sure the translations are correct.  i've done this before, in mexico, and i do love this kind of work.  what a stitch!  never too old to start something new.

[Armee]

Wow! San! A new type of job! That's amazing. No you are never too old...you have 3/4 century of experience to build on with any new endeavor.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better and making space in your NN process to grieve that things weren't right. I bet you were an adorable and beautiful little girl. A true princess.

[sanmagic7]

armee, you're so sweet!  thanks for that.  a few years ago when i asked a man if he thought i was feminine, he said, 'well, you're no princess.'  weird how that happens.  but it's probably because i don't dress 'girly', really never have, except for one dress in my 20's.  that was lacy and cream-colored and i just fell in love w/ it.  i guess it was my princess dress.  my sister asked if she could wear it for her wedding - i never got it back.  so, it's just good to feel that little girl me felt like a princess (in my NN).  with that i could've been more comfortable with my femininity after i left home.  still, i'm ok w/ me right now, and i guess that's what counts. 

[sanmagic7]

a new feeling came to me this morning while thinking about my NN, how comfy i am with being 4 yrs. old now (in my mind), and it's pretty stable.  i went thru a list of child psychological development stages and am working to coincide in my mind where 'normalcy' ranges.  it's been interesting.

Stage 1: Trust vs. Mistrust (Infancy from birth to 18 months)
Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Toddler years from 18 months to three years)
Stage 3: Initiative vs. Guilt (Preschool years from three to five)

this is helping me see where things got messed up (right from the beginning, in my case), and what issues i need to make sure are in place before i venture further.  stages 1 & 2 are sound and strong now, stage 3 i'm in the middle of.  as i was thinking of all this laying in bed this morning, one word came to mind - freedom.  i could see how in the NN i could now trust my parents, that they'd have my back, and how i could roam and explore, ask questions (oooh, that had been missing until i wrote it), get answers, and have no doubt (i was riddled w/ it) that i'd be accepted the way i was.

so, freedom came to mind, freedom to be the inquisitive, exploratory, curious (i learned to get nearly all my answers from books) w/o fear of being ignored, denied, or put down in any way. no shame in being me, no doubting my parents would help me.  it was a wonderful feeling (still is as i write about it), and allows that ever-shining spirit of mine to soar.  wow - i'm understanding more fully about the repression i was attempting to grow under.  painful, actually. 

so i'm in the middle of stage 3, and i just looked up some references to 'initiative'.  basically, it's about meeting and overcoming challenges, forming one's own personhood, standing up for yourself.  aha!  standing up for myself!  knowing who i am as a person.  well, that explains a lot.  i haven't known who i am as a person nearly my entire life - only began to know me in a concrete way in the past 3 yrs.  i've always had the feeling i was 'unformed' for most of my life, hence the floaty feeling i had for many years, the lack of sense of self, how i presented me to the world.  i just floated from one situation to the next w/o a rudder.

ack! gotta talk to my T about this.  talk about arrested development! (i loved that show, too).  i was a child of the wind, nothing solid to hang onto.  i just got a sunken feeling in my chest, as if it is now concave.  and my shoulders are forward.  this has been a posture of mine since before i can remember, and my dad would mock me for it.  now i know where it came from.

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs, San.  Wow, this is... just brilliant. You've done so much deep thought on this. I feel like I want to do a narrative now. This is so helpful to see what was happening or supposed to happen when. Thank you for sharing all this.