looking for relief

[sanmagic7]

armee, thanks for the encouragement and the validation about pouting.  much appreciated.

hey, rainy, yep, it has been releasing things, for sure.  more and more memories of what did/didn't happen and how i needed it to happen are coming up in waves.  this is new territory for me.

last nite, i felt the urge to tackle another piece of this narrative - the years betw. 2 and 4 - and there was so much there, again!, that i couldn't deal w/ it all in one sitting.  i noticed i'm leaving my sister out of this at this point - she'd only been just born, so not a factor yet.  she will be, tho.

i remember a 'safe' feeling from my dad sitting on the rocker, sleeping, holding me in his lap cuz i wasn't sleeping.  safest i've ever felt in my life.  totally safe, one time only.  most of this narrative has to do w/ my dad, cuz he was the biggest person in my life growing up.  my mom seemed to be busy, in the background, cleaning, laundry, cooking.  i've always thought of her as mousy, never wanted to be like her, wanted to be like my dad who was charismatic as all get out.

wanting to be like my dad is another piece of my sexual awareness.  during this time in my life, i saw pictures of me dressed up in some of his clothes - hat, jacket, boots - which were waaaay too big on me, but my dad got a big kick out of it, nicknamed me 'skippy' after a scruffy comic character, who was a boy.  once i told him i wanted to be a princess (i loved those pink, fluffy, sparkly dresses) and he immediately told me 'you don't want to be a princess. they have no privacy.'  i can still hear those words today, exactly, complete w/ tone of voice.

so, in my new narrative, i changed all this, and it overwhelmed me w/ several feelings - sadness was big, but also a fullness, as if i was filled up inside w/ something important.  NN (new narrative) went quite differently.  i pictured my dad, when i said this, that he picked me up and swung me around, told me i was his princess, his pretty princess, and always would be.  he was smiling and laughing and so was it.  then my mom came into the picture after he put me down, told me 'come here, honey. you are my pretty princess, too.' and gave me a big hug and was smiling.

thus my girly side was affirmed as well as the whole idea of being pretty (when i look back at pictures of me when i was younger, i really was pretty!  it breaks my heart i didn't know it, no one told me that except one boy who stared at me during lunch at college.  when i asked him why he always stared, he told me just that - cuz i was so pretty.  i couldn't take that in, so it never stuck w/ me, and i went thru much of my life not having the faintest.

one other take from this episode was the idea that when i dressed up in my dad's clothes, he was entertained.  like i was worth something to him. but i don't really remember him entertaining me.  i spent my life trying to make him proud, but the only time i saw a hint of pride in his eyes was when i did something against the rules at school, had to go to the vp's office after school and my dad had to come pick me up.  when i told him what i'd done (put fake rubber puke on the floor at lunch to see people's reactions), that's what he was proud about.  not what a good, obedient girl i was, nor my great grades in school - but i'm getting ahead of myself.  that will get fixed later.

for now, i once again had to finish this part up this morning, and needed to do a few eye movements to help make the images stick.  don't know if i'm through, yet - something feels unsettled inside - but i think i made some strides.  i once asked my mom why she never said i was pretty, she said she didn't want to sound like she was bragging.  so, i know she thought i was pretty, but stopped herself from ever letting me or anyone else know.  ugh!

last nite, the sadness was for a life spent not realizing what i showed to the world personally.  what a difference it would've made if they'd said i was pretty.   how much confidence it would've instilled in me as a young woman.  how much shame/guilt i would not have carried at having woman parts, trying to not draw attention to them, cover them up w/ loose-fitting clothes.  how un-girly my choice of clothes were.  no wonder i never had a 'style' of my own or show off my femininity.  i didn't know i had it.

oh, the pouting.  i visualized several scenarios where i might've pouted - not getting something i wanted, not wanting to eat something (i really couldn't think of much) and had my folks respond to me sympathetically rather than telling me to smile.  i even tried a little pouting, altho it was weird cuz i didn't know if my mouth was doing the right thing.  no practice can make one question everything!

enough for now.  more work to do, but later.  still, i'm seeing how all my confusion at being came about and where my emotions went.  i hate it, hate them right now.  none of this should have happened, and it wouldn't have taken much to have fixed this.

[sanmagic7]

i had to take some time to whittle this bit down to a 1-yr. span instead of trying for 2 yrs. - 2 was too much, and my mind was muddled.

sitting w/ what i'm learning, i was able to see how being given my dream of being a princess by acceptance from my folks rather than denial/dismissal allowed me to feel safe and loved.  first time i thought about feeling loved, actually feeling it.  i knew it as a concept, but not as a feeling, and that's followed me thru-out my life.  this brought a smile to my face as i pictured little 3-yr. old me being enjoyed, having my dream be embraced rather than erased.  what a difference.

also, allowing me my feelings/emotions opened the door to being able to feel happiness rather than me smiling and looking happy.  in turn, it gave me the safety to ask questions of my dad, like you get mad? what do you get mad at? - anything along those lines.  it's strange how much i accepted and absorbed w/o saying a word, just going along like a 'nice/good' little girl.  quite a lot of revelation for me for just one year, and i need to sit w/ this for a bit.

[sanmagic7]

since yesterday, i've been cementing those images of being a happy 3-yr. old, being whirled around in the air by a laughing dad, but now my mom and  baby sis are in the picture.  my mom's sitting on the couch, smiling, holding the baby, telling her she's also a princess, saying out loud 'we have two princesses in this family', and we're all happy and smiling at the same time (altho i'm laughing w/ glee).

leaving that image, it's quite extraordinary to think how completely different my life, and now my sister's life would/could have been.  at this point in the NN, i can smile when i see it and just feel happy for 3-yr. old me, seeing her experiencing happy and joy, feeling safe and loved.  whew!  what a difference.

i also believe that in the NN, the idea that i can feel real happiness also means i can feel real anger, real fear, real anything and that i can also go to my folks and talk to them about it.  totally different from my true experience.  that would have kicked alexithymia out the door, which would have eliminated a lot of confusion about life and living for me throughout my life.  it's nearly overwhelming to think about it, and i had to stop myself yesterday for just that reason.  i became overwhelmed by the implications of such changes.  enough for now.

[Kizzie]

So glad to hear you had an awesome birthday San 

since yesterday, i've been cementing those images of being a happy 3-yr. old, being whirled around in the air by a laughing dad, but now my mom and  baby sis are in the picture.  my mom's sitting on the couch, smiling, holding the baby, telling her she's also a princess, saying out loud 'we have two princesses in this family', and we're all happy and smiling at the same time (altho i'm laughing w/ glee).

leaving that image, it's quite extraordinary to think how completely different my life, and now my sister's life would/could have been.  at this point in the NN, i can smile when i see it and just feel happy for 3-yr. old me, seeing her experiencing happy and joy, feeling safe and loved.  whew!  what a difference.

I think I missed what is NN, but it sounds a lot like the therapy I'm doing in the Ketamine program.  I think it's called ACT where I go through a traumatic scene and then rewrite it in my mind's eye making it how I wanted it to be.  It's both lovely and oh so sad at the same time.  It typically involves my NM raging or humiliating me and I rewrite things and make her into a more loving, understanding M who evens laughs with me about something I did as a kid that caused her to get angry back then. 

How different life would have been for us eh?  (There's my Cdn coming out lol)

[sanmagic7]

NN = new narrative.  and, yeah, it sounds a lot like what you're talking about.  rewriting the script/narrative so that it suits us the way we needed it to.  it is both happy and sad, and you're absolutely right - what different lives we would have led.   

finally settling down from the latest chapter of my NN.  i'm 3, i can clearly see me being swung around in the air w/ my dad, he's laughing, i'm giggling my head off, my mom's smiling.  and i can feel 'happy'.  it's been a little rocky getting to here, but it's cemented in now, i think, so i'll be waiting for the call for the year of 3-4.  should be interesting.

i'm also beginning addiction therapy w/ my T for food/eating.  even tho i wrote the book (which i mentioned to her) on it, something i said in it came to me and it washed all the shame/guilt, etc right away.  it says that there may be issues that are too much to tackle on one's own, in which case therapy is going to help.  so, taking my own advice, i've decided to quit doing this all on my own now, and i asked for help.  i've tried OA in the past, have gone to workshops, groups, read books, but i'm discovering there's an awful lot of trauma behind all this.  on to another adventure!

[Armee]

You are so brave to tackle this all...the NN and the eating. Your T is absolutely right. We can know it all but still need someone else to help us through it. Good luck San. 

And I love reading your NNs. 

[Kizzie]

it says that there may be issues that are too much to tackle on one's own, in which case therapy is going to help.  so, taking my own advice, i've decided to quit doing this all on my own now, and i asked for help.

Good for you! 

[Not Alone]

When I picture little San pouting I delight in her. It also brings my heart joy to think of little San dressed in pink and being loved and adored. 

[CactusFlower]

this NN is so beautiful and such a joy to read. It's such a great idea. Hugs to you and to new little san!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, armee, for all your support.

thanks, kizzie.  i had to go thru a lot of shame to get there cuz of my book.

notalone, i loved your description!  i remember one special dress i had, wore it to some big event, and altho it wasn't pink, the fabric was shiny and i felt very special wearing it.  but getting my princess moment in the NN is so wonderful - the best! thank you!

CF, thanks.  we will take those hugs and appreciate them.

i felt the urge to move on w/ my NN last nite, but it hasn't taken on full flight yet.  still, i can clearly see the image of me whirling around above my dad's head, giggling.  it's such a wonderful feeling - i don't know that i ever giggled w/ my folks.  it's such a delight to be able to do it now, tho.

in session on fri., we continued working on my eating issues.  one memory i brought up was eating late at nite to try to stay up late enough so my ex would finally be ready to come to bed w/ me.  (he was on a mission every nite that didn't include me so i rarely got what i so longed for).  anyway, bringing that up brought up a host of crapola once again, including the hate.  hate for what he did to me, to my D's, and just plain out hate aimed at him. 

he's the first person i've ever hated in my life, and even tho it had not ever been in my repertoire, i sure recognize it when i feel it now.  everything about him and how i feel toward him is so ugly, nasty, disgusting . . . and i'm getting roiled up in my gut just talking about it now.  at the end of our session, my T told me she was going to take her manure truck and shovel all of that into it so i didn't have to carry it around.  it was a good feeling.

so, it was difficult to actually work on eating issues cuz he got in the way - again! while i don't pray for his death, if it happens i know it will free me, at least from a huge part of what my brain/mind holds.  it's truly amazing how one person can hijack my mind over and over.  i would never have believed this before having the experience, living it.  ugh!  i hate this so much!!!

[Armee]

It makes sense to me, that he got in the way of dealing with the eating issues. Because he IS the eating issues.

Big hugs to you, San. It was yucky what he did, who he was. How he treated you. I know some people think hatred is like poison to yourself but some people...well hate is just appropriate especially when you need to protect yourself from them. In this case, you still do need that hate to keep you protected perhaps? I didn't hate my dad because he was gone. I didn't need it. I did hate my mom because she was there and I needed that to protect me.

Hate is OK, in my book. Then again I'm not the most evolved...

I am absolutely grinning thinking of you swinging above your dad's head giggling. I can almost hear it. It is a beautiful sound that makes my heart smile.

[sanmagic7]

does evolution really have anything to do w/ hate?  i appreciate your acceptance of this nasty emotion that's appeared in me.  thank you so for that.

[Not Alone]

so, it was difficult to actually work on eating issues cuz he got in the way - again!

It makes sense to me, that he got in the way of dealing with the eating issues. Because he IS the eating issues.

I see him as more of one of the roots of the eating issue, not just a road block. You are dealing with the eating by shoveling that hate into you T's manure truck.

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you as navigate this feeling which is hate.  It seems natural that as we love we would hate too.  I hope that what you find along the way is helpful in the long run.  This has also got me thinking about hate - I am curious to reflect on it in my life as I had a strong reaction to that word.

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok. 
Hope