looking for relief

[CactusFlower]

agreed, very powerful.  Gentle hugs to you and wishing you strength and peace as you work through this.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, phil - i so appreciate the support and encouragement 

CF, loving those hugs and all the rest.  thank you.

today i visualized my fetus-me and she's growing in the womb, looking like she's getting ready to be born.  i'm excited about this.

as i thought about remaking me, i believe i'll imagine situations along the way, from birth on, where things were non-traumatic.  gonna change this script.  doesn't feel exhausting, but light and free.  i'm gonna be done right this time!

[sanmagic7]

baby me was born last nite.  i could feel it happening, could see the fetus growing in my mind's eye, taking on the shape of a baby.  i felt very uncomfortable in my being and then some relief - i was born. 

in this new version of my upbringing, my parents were overjoyed at having a beautiful baby girl, albeit w/ a gash next to her eye and probably a lot of bruising and puffiness.  i heard my F say i was the ugliest baby he'd ever seen (he told me that several times in real life) and my M stood up to him. she had my back, which was new, called him out for saying something like that to and about me, that i was hurt but still beautiful, and never to ever say that to me again.  maybe that's how he talked w/ his buddies, but not to this beautiful baby.  i found myself smiling.

there was more, and i was into it all the way, but at that point my D came out to the balcony and started talking about something that had just happened w/ one of her friends, and i simply froze.  i had both feet firmly planted in my birth story, and i struggled to pay attention to her, could only get out a couple of 'mm hmm's' and she left abruptly saying she didn't know what was going on w/ me.  i asked what did she want me to say, she said 'i don't know' and left.

this really disrupted my thought processing.  i went in shortly after, told her i was sorry but i was in the middle of being born, she said i could've told her i was into something, and it ended there.  we'll probably talk about it today, but the truth is i was not able to speak my truth at that moment cuz i was frozen.  it was terribly weird to be stuck between 2 worlds like that.

so, i was completely disturbed inside for the rest of the night, couldn't get back to where i'd been, went to sleep after eating whatever i could find just to try to tamp down the disturbance.  i woke up at 4 this a.m. and it was then i was able to finish the process i'd started last nite.  it took 2 more hours, but i went thru my baby and toddler stages in a happy, affectionate, attentive household.  i smiled, laughed, was held and enjoyed by my parents, was never shushed when i got hurt but rather got words of validation and acceptance while being held and soothed. 

i realized i'm redoing my upbringing w/ the images of the parents i needed, rather than the ones i had.  my M put me ahead of housework and my F read the paper to me every night (i didn't care - i just knew i was snuggled into him and feeling safe).  so far it's working well.  my heart and spirit are only in their beginning stages of formation, but now they have a lush, fertile field in which to grow and eventually bloom.

[Blueberry]

I'm sorry your d came at the wrong time and you froze. I would've frozen in that situation too. When I freeze to that degree, I can't talk either

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the validation, blueberry.  very appreciated.  it's such a strange phenomena.   

[Kizzie]

Just sending another    your way San.  I want better lives for you and all of us here so very much.

[Papa Coco]

What a cool thing you're doing, San, reliving your childhood the right way.

Thanks for sharing the experience with us. I hope to hear more as you progress through this process. 

And I hope your D is okay after you and she are able to discuss the freezing moment you had. I believe I would have had just as difficult a time shifting out of the process to converse with one of my kids too. It takes deep concentration to do what you're doing.

[Armee]

This is the most beautiful amazing healing work I've ever witnessed, San. I can't even imagine what a beautiful force this beautiful baby will become given the right nurturing.

It's OK to explain to your D that you were frozen. Our bodies and minds do weird things sometimes. She'll understand.

[sanmagic7]

amen, kizzie.  thank you so.

PC, my D and i are good.  i explained what happened, she apologized for interrupting.  thanks.

hey, armee, she did understand, and we're all good.  i know this may be an unusual way to go about healing, but that image of blowing myself up to get out from under the trauma and the emotional overwhelm spurred me on to rewrite my childhood. it was the only thing i could think of to do.  thank you for your support.

more later.  so far i've grown to 21 mos. old, just before my sister was born.  she was an ongoing source of bullying toward me and our little brother.  writing that, i'm interested to see how that will be taken care of!

[sanmagic7]

yesterday i could feel the rumblings of further progress with this - what?  rebirth?  re-living of my life?  not sure how to phrase it, just doing it.

rereading what i've posted so far i remembered me sitting on the balcony smiling.  what was amazing about that was that smile was accompanied by a true feeling of happy.  it was such a lovely feeling - light, airy, clean, pure - one that i don't know if i'd ever felt before.  i know i've questioned myself during my life about not feeling happy (i have everything i want right now, why don't i feel happy?) many times, but that feeling was never there.  yet, here it was at last and it was mixed w/ satisfaction and contentment.  perfectly lovely.

this morning i nudged myself to go back into my narrative (is that the right word?) and it took the form of my mom being pregnant w/ my sister. she encouraged me to place my hand on her belly to feel the baby kick, and i saw my little toddler self w/ eyes opened wide, mouth formed into an 'O' at the experience.  they made me a part of her birth experience from the start, explaining about a baby being inside mama's tummy, etc. then my dad picked me up and swung me around.  it was like a moment of sheer joy of his knowing his family was growing and i was included.

this picturing ended w/ my mom getting ready to leave for the hospital.  she told me she'd be gone about a week (i didn't have any idea what that meant) but when she came home she'd be bringing a little sister or brother with her to live with us.  i stood and listened, didn't understand much, but accepted.  my final image was of the 3 of us standing in the kitchen.

so, spits and spurts, but just after i finished w/ this piece i found myself smiling again and feeling that happiness feeling again.  so very strange to me, but delightful.  it doesn't stay for long, but it's there for a bit, i can feel it, and i really like it.

[CactusFlower]

San- what beautiful images! So glad you can do this for yourself. It's very inspiring.   

[Armee]

 

Pure light happy peace!!!! All these feelings you get to feel now too!

It was truly inspired to blow it all up and start over. Rebirth, reliving, reparenting, whatever you call what you are doing it is amazing and seems to be exactly what you needed. Keep going!

[Papa Coco]

San,

I'm thoroughly enjoying your reports on how this idea of yours, to re-experience your own life your way, is giving you such a great new perspective.

I can feel the peace and joy it's bringing to you and I'm excited to read more about it each day. Thank you for journaling it so we can share in the experience.

[sanmagic7]

thanks for the warm thoughts, CF   

armee, i know!  didn't think this would happen, but being able to feel something other than dark emotions is amazing! thanks for the encouragement.

PC, thanks for your validation. it's fantastic, in a fantasy sort of feeling, like i'm there but here at the same time. 

trying to remember what's been told to me about this period in my life has been a little difficult, a little hard to rearrange it.  i think my mom told me she was gone for 2 weeks giving birth to my sis (no details), and that when she returned i didn't recognize her.  i believe i stayed w/ my aunt, who lived upstairs?  i'm going w/ that, tho. my aunt was very fun and i'm sure, thinking about that now, that i had a better time w/ her and my uncle than i did w/ my folks.

whew!  that was a big piece to pull out.  my mom told me in later years that just before my sis was born, she asked my dad not to be as hard on this new baby as he'd been on me.  that's stuck w/ me in a dark way, but meaningful.  it would make sense that i'd have a good time with A and U, not being so restrained and restricted.  (unfortunately, this was one time my M stood up to my F, but it was not for my sake.) my spirit is much too adventurous for that.  so, putting it together, i'm making this be that during the day i was upstairs w/ A and U, having a good time, and after he came home from work and ate supper, my dad would come get me so i could sleep in my own bed.

this feels farfetched - extremely - but it's what i would've needed.  being w/ my dad most nights would continue my sense of safety and protection i'd need from my F.  of course there would be times he'd visit my M in the hospital - they did things really different back in the 40's - so i don't know exactly what might have gone on w/ her, but during her absence i was surrounded by fun, caring, love, and enjoyment.  this is my revitalization, so i'm going with that.

my next piece will be what happens when my sister comes home.  just finishing this piece up has given my disturbing rumbles inside.  not sure what they mean - i may have forgotten a piece i need, or i just want to puke out the crapola i was put thru - i'm naming it abandonment, emotional negligence, and torture is the word that comes to mind.  when i wrote about my spirit just now, that word popped into my head, but i swatted it away.  still, thinking about the free, curious, and gregarious spirit of which i'm made, maybe torture would be appropriate for emotional restraint.

i believe such restraint also occurred physically throughout my day by means of a playpen.  ugh!  so, yeah, those restraints are gone, but i can imagine it to be torture to have all that emotional, mental and physical energy and not be allowed to move or explore more than a 4-ft. area. i know the playpen, too - it was square, wooden, had a little bar w/ 3 colored wooden balls on it.  hardly enough to keep someone as free-spirited as my occupied and satisfied for more than a few moments.

i know people here and elsewhere have gone thru Torture and mine was of the little 't' variety, but i was so full of life that to be pinned down on all 3 sides like that had to feel like torture to my growing existence.  and the tears are on the verge right now.  still, i frickin' defied them and their restraints.  *fist in the air*  deep breath, and will continue another time.

[Armee]

You did. You defied them when they tried to break and restrain your spirit. Break free!