Out of the Storm

i picked this title because that's exactly what i feel like in this phase of my recovery. 

i talked to my T about how i can't make any real progress on healing from the people in my life cuz nearly every time i speak w/ her we're putting out little side fires, so to speak, from triggers or new events that have disturbed and distressed me.  really, at times, it's felt like i'm getting worse instead of better cuz i'm so full to overflowing w/ this crapola i'm now sensitive to the slightest anything.

she offered me a theory, which i found something of a relief: maybe these little side fires, etc., which are all related to my major issues, traumas, and the like, are my brain's way of breaking up the big issues into smaller pieces which i can tolerate better.  it's known by both of us that i absolutely cannot tolerate facing anything bigger than a breadbox w/o some severe reaction, be it mental, emotional, or physical.  that theory made sense to me on some level, so i'm going with it.  it made me feel better, too.

i've also had an ongoing issue about my D and her father (my ex).  knowing that she's still communicating w/ him and what kind of person he is makes my skin absolutely crawl. my T and i also talked about that - it just hurts my mother heart that he can manipulate her and is most likely feeling good about it, making her his friend as he struggles w/ D1 now (who my D2 has already gone NC with, and he knows about the problems, knows it upsets my D2, but doesn't care), discussing his issues w/ her sister cuz he knows he can and she won't say anything.  ugh!  these are the thoughts that run thru my head about the 2 of them, and i hate it, hate him, can't see this ending until he no longer exists.

my T has listened to me about this many times, but this time she came up w/ one of those little nuggets which are difficult to digest and accept, but which i grudgingly know is true -- my D has her own path to follow, and right now it includes him.  dang, i hated hearing that, but it does give me an ounce of relief about the situation, so i'll go w/ it.  that doesn't mean i like it.

hi San,
I really like that theory about tackling the smaller pieces as a part of breaking up the big ones. It definitely rings true to me... I'd go with it too :)
This morning my T told me the fact that I'm so sensitive right now to my body's tensions, etc shouldn't be making me nervous about getting worse. That it's a positive, being connected with my body means I'm present ... and I can tell that is true (and wonderful in that perspective)
So maybe your sensitivity is a positive too?
I hope you get some relief today ... you certainly deserve it !
Sending a supportive hug if you'd like  :hug:

thanks, phil.  hugs are always welcome.  you've made an interesting point about the sensitivity thing.  being more present and in my body, being more human, even, could very well be what's happening.  i'll definitely give that one more thought.  :hug:

after writing, it occurred to me that part of this experience i'm going thru right now could possibly be part of me becoming more human.  wait a minute ---  is that a flash of hope that just skittered by?  o my heart - what an unusual thought and strange feeling - that i might have a bright side to look at in all this for the first time.  dang! 

i realized the other day that it's been quite a while since my legs went out from under me.  could that be linked to all this?  that because i'm beginning to feel some emotions, my body doesn't have to take the hit for them in quite the same way?  another dang - i don't want to get too excited, scared of that, but it's a possibility there's something to get excited about.  whoa, nelly!  definitely reining myself in here, but what if?

I can relate to what you're saying here.  Being present in my body is new for me and is often very unpleasant, but it still seems to make sense to me as the way forward to some day, eventually, finding some relief.  I hope you find some success along that path as well.  What if, indeed?    :hug:

thank you bach for your well wishes w/ this.  i don't know if i can take it, tho.  :hug:

after a little time pondering this whole sensitivity thing, i'm in turmoil.  i don't want to be this sensitive.  i looked at my tomato plant and it was drooping, and i got extremely upset that i didn't take care of it well enough.  it's my responsibility and i'm causing it distress.  lots of shoulds running thru my mind - should've gotten out there earlier, should've watered it last nite cuz i knew the heat was going to start up again today, should've paid more attention, should've acted more responsibly - all this over a plant.

my anxiety and disturbance ramped up immediately, and i rushed around trying to make it right.  i'm feeling like i let my child down, like i'm not a good mom to these babies (there are more than one veg. plant i'm growing) and it just took over w/o any thought.  it was just there and i hated all the feelings i had.  i've often wondered, even many years ago, if i'm too sensitive for this world.  and now w/ everything going on, i can feel how i'm packing feelings down as hard as possible so as not to crumble.

this doesn't seem right.  i don't like it at all.  can't seem to find a balance where i'm more human yet less disturbed by even the seemingly smallest things.  i've always had a sense of compassion, but this is too much.  i want to keep a viable amount w/o getting overwhelmed, and i don't know how to do that.  i'll talk to my T about it tomorrow.  i feel like a bunch of raw nerve ends.

Hi San, I am catching up on your new journal.  I resonate with the sensitivity.  I hope that you find some evenness amongst all the up and down.

thanks for the well wishes, rainy.  much appreciated.  :hug:

thinking about my meltdown yesterday, i'm wondering if i was transported back to D1's first ER trip and how i felt like i was a failure as a mother - i couldn't protect her against herself, and protecting my children was my first priority.  it feels awfully close to the truth and that those feelings (which had been abruptly shut down at the time by a cop) came to the surface at this time and in this way.  dang, i feel blindsided by these hits to my emotions now.

Hugs, san.  Hope your T was able to help some. It is interesting how sometimes the smallest of things can be connected to the larger ones. Maybe in working with the plants, it's some kind of practice run for dealing with the bigger emotion? Just a thought.

Hi SanMagic,
What you said about your tomato plants was something I thought about when I was looking at a plant I have at home.  Your level of connection with your plant, and your sensitive attunement to it, your care and attention, it was really strong.  I wondered if you were projecting emotions there - maybe a part of you that is very sensitive and caring.  I must admit I gave my own plant some water as a result of thinking what you'd said. 

Sending you a hug  :hug:

Hope  :)

T's theory feels right to me, and I do believe these things ARE the big traumas. Just like you said: broken up into workable pieces. These are the pieces to work on now. They will add up slowly.

I can't imagine how unbelievably hard it is to see that relationship continue. It is her path but it doesn't mean it's easy to watch!

San, I had so many thoughts as I was reading your journal. First,  :hug:.

When I was reading about your plant, my thought was that your feelings were connecting to some very deep roots. (Pun was not intended!) It seems you made that connection with D1's first ER trip. It is so hard to be blindsided like that. I've been in that place many times; "I thought I was so upset over plants, (for me: phone, paint color.)" Then the root, or at least part of the root, comes to light. It stinks and it's hard and it's trauma.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 11, 2022, 02:19:41 PM
she offered me a theory, which i found something of a relief: maybe these little side fires, etc., which are all related to my major issues, traumas, and the like, are my brain's way of breaking up the big issues into smaller pieces which i can tolerate better.  it's known by both of us that i absolutely cannot tolerate facing anything bigger than a breadbox w/o some severe reaction, be it mental, emotional, or physical.  that theory made sense to me on some level, so i'm going with it.  it made me feel better, too.

This makes sense to me and it sounds like it resonated with you. San, your brain is amazing to do that! I know that it feels awful and I don't want to minimize that at all.

Not sure if this fits for you, but when I read your journal, I thought about something my T has said to me/my Littles. At the time of the trauma, it was not safe to feel fear, anger, etc. Now that you are feeling somewhat safe, those feelings are allowed to come.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on August 11, 2022, 02:19:41 PM
-- my D has her own path to follow, and right now it includes him.  dang, i hated hearing that, but it does give me an ounce of relief about the situation, so i'll go w/ it.  that doesn't mean i like it.

I get that. I'm there.

hi, CF, interesting thought.  thanks for that.  my T was able to help a lot.  deep digging, tho.   :hug:

hope, also interesting thought about projecting emotions.  i do feel very connected to my garden - all those plants are my babies and i actually feel the need to look after them, take care of them, protect them, just as i did (and still do) as a mom. that's really the only comparison that fits.  and, yes, i do get very emotional about them, just like i did w/ my kids.  maybe wacky and weird, but there it is.   :hug:

hey, armee, you're right - it's not easy to watch, and she's very careful to not talk to him on the phone in the same room as me, so i'm grateful for that.  and i also agree w/ that theory about pieces of bigger traumas.  doing it this way is more manageable on one level, and we can dig at it a bit more after the fact.  thanks for your thoughts   :hug:

notalone, thank you for all your thoughtfulness and support.  being reminded this is trauma-based is helpful.  there is no rhyme or reason to how our brains react to something because of what's gone on before.  it completely fits for me about feeling safer now.  my D is very kind, gentle, and patient w/ me, even on my down days, and i'm sure that has a lot to do w/ the progress i'm able to make.   :hug:

thank you all for your responses.  i can't express how much your thoughts and opinions mean to me, to say nothing about the hugs.  they translate easily in my mind to caring, and it's wonderful.

yesterday's session went well, even tho difficult.  i told my T about the connection to my D1 story, and she was all in on that immediately.  our discussion quickly evolved from plants to D1, and my feelings about how i failed as a mother because she had been driven to such a horrible extent and i didn't somehow protect her from that.  and then, at the hospital, when i crumpled to the floor sobbing and that cop told me to get up and be strong for her, it was one more time i wasn't allowed to be human, to be weak.

and that was the basis of the session - i've always presented myself as strong, people came to expect that of me, and too many times i've been told how strong i was even when i was falling apart and just wanted to be weak, be in need, be the one who was taken care of instead of tending to everyone else's needs.  my F's words come to mind immediately - stop crying - crying doesn't do any good.  i was crying cuz i was distressed about something, but it was quickly shut down.  the lid was nailed shut by the time i was 14.  didn't cry for 24 years after that, not until i began recovery.

except, i would cry in church, quietly, when we sang hymns about being loved by god/jesus.  i think it was an indication of how unworthy i felt to be loved - this just came up now - and i'd have to stop singing.  just couldn't bear it and felt like i'd begin sobbing all over the place.  no wonder i still tear up when loving gestures, patience, kindness are portrayed on tv.  maybe there's a piece of that still there.  probably a big piece, or maybe it's grief cuz i'm witnessing something i missed out on throughout my life.

anyway, by the end of the session i said 'let me be weak' to the universe.  i know how strong i am, know the measure of my strength.  didn't know how important it was for me to allow weakness to be part of my makeup.  even now, if i'm not posting on someone's remarks on a regular basis, especially cuz i'm done in, i can feel guilt, like i'm not living up to the high standards i've set for myself.  in mexico, i remember having to consciously think about and choose whether i wanted to get well.  it felt so nice being taken care of by my hub, and getting well would mean i'd have to live up to all those expectations again.  then i remembered i had the power to say 'no'.  and i began getting better.

battling w/ anxiety lately, had a full-blown anxiety attack yesterday.  haven't had one in a while and it left me frantic.  it was after my D left for a med. appt.  too many thoughts of death lately, too, and what would i do if she died?  i already know i couldn't cope.  nope, not for that.  it would be the thing that would finally break me.

don't know why death is on my mind lately.  i don't like it.

i felt less frantic about my plants after session yesterday.  that whole thing definitely had 'roots' in my being a mother.  i've taken all the responsibilty for raising my girls myself, and i too often forget that there were 2 men involved in their existence, neither of whom were a help to me in raising them for one reason or another.  ooooh, little anger flare-up there.  it sucks that they put it all on me, whether physically present or not.  we flash tech.'d thru this, and it was good to once again remember this simple truth - i was left alone, felt alone in such a huge endeavor.  i thought about single parents, can't imagine how they do it.

i've always known, tho, that i wasn't capable of raising a child on my own - i just don't have the mental and emotional capacity for it.  i know it's part of the reason i stayed in both those marriages too long - i needed help from a partner.  unfortunately, even when sharing the same house, i was let down.  ugh.  too much.

A truth I've seen San is that it is harder to raise a child with an abusive coparent than raising a child as a single parent. What you went through was harder than single parenting. You should have had real help from the fathers of your children. I'm sorry you didn't.  :grouphug:

Oof. A full panic attack. That is rough.

What I see San and I may be off is that you are uncovering both how alone you were but also how strong you really were to get through everything. Now you get to be human and feel all that stuff. But please try not to feel weak for feeling it. To me it is all evidence of how strong you were and are. Strong enough even to fall apart a bit.

I really felt a lot for you reading about what you went through with your daughters one right after the other and what the police officer said to you. So much heart ache there. Ouch. That was too much to go through too close together.  :hug:

Thinking of you San - I have had death on my mind of late too.  I hope that you find some relief even if momentary.

Thinking of you, San. I don't know if it might help, but I assign all catastrophizing thoughts to my Inner Critic, since it feels like sabotage sometimes. Then I imagine how I've personified him and literally say, "That's not real, not even realistic, shut the -- up." Just a thought, and gentle hugs if you want them.

hey, armee,  thank you for your thoughtfulness and support.  actually, i don't feel weak for being emotional, but rather i want to feel the opposite of strong sometimes and the word which came to mind for that was 'weak'.  i'm so tired from being strong thru everything, have been expected to be strong and take care of myself and others and our surrounding issues all the time that i simply want to feel weak, feel not strong for a little bit at times.  i am able to do that every so often w/ my D, but she's not in a good place herself, so i can't really allow myself not to be strong 99% of the time.  i just want to rest. :hug:

rainy.  it's' a weird thing, the whole death issue.  thank you for your well wishes, and back atcha. :hug:

CF, i've thought a lot about what you wrote, the whole catastrophizing thing (i've never been completely sure what that really meant) - is it that i thought of the worst that could happen?  ok, i've looked it up and found that it's more common w/ people who are fatigued, have chronic pain, and suffer from anxiety.  check, check, and check.  and that these things, over time, can cause a change in areas of the brain.  the idea of death, for various reasons, has been a companion to me since i was 15. 

and i'm not sure how an ICr is involved - that concept hasn't been clear to me, either.  i'll ask my T about it this morning.  thank you for your kindness and suggestions.   :hug:

groggy this morning, have been stress eating at nite, craving sugar - altho i think some of the eating is related to that.  i'm eating more of other things in order to stay away from sugar - and anxiety is ramped up.  now that i think of it, it may be the news - not only what's going on politically, but new diseases, the climate, this heat.  at least the plant thing has died down - it's something i realized i can do by myself, unlike raising children on my own.  and thanks, armee, for the insight on single parenting and parenting w/ abusive partners.  that was a bit comforting, actually.

so, life goes on.  i made it to today.  that's a victory.

Hugs! and I'm so glad you made it to today. Wishing you energy and peace.

Yes, catastrophizing is jumping to the worst option. Like if you had a routine doctor checkup visit and your thoughts would end up thinking they'll find something terminal and how would your family deal with the loss, when all it is, is a normal visit. I should have explained it better.  Let me know if I need to clarify anything, please.  :hug:

thanks, CF.  your explanation hit the spot, and i appreciate your effort to clarify it for me. :hug:

talked to my T about the whole catastrophizing thing - it was a very dark conversation - and she agreed that, in my case, it was more of a realistic perspective of what could happen given the state of hate and anger permeating this country.  i finally had to 'give her to god', so to speak, as a way to thwart the worry i have of her meeting her demise.  once again leaving her to her own path. 

yesterday threw another wrench into the works.  put out one fire, up pops another one.  my D had neck surgery a few years ago, where she was implanted w/ a few pieces of plastic to keep her disks far enough apart.  after experiencing tingling/numbness in her fingers the past few months, she went for an MRI yesterday.  altho the results were in medical-speak, we surmised that there is something not quite right again, and she can't talk to her doc until next week.

yesterday was one of those days i wished i could feel 'weak', just curl up into a ball, pull the covers over my head, and sleep for a week or so.  however, i have to be there for my D, so i had to stay strong as best as possible.  she needs to be able to talk these things out, and i'm her main listening post.  i've got to stay present for her, especially at times like this.  cigs and food and meds - all were needed to pull me thru the day. 

kind of numb today - one more thing on the horizon to be aware of.  don't want to think about any of it.

Hi SanMagic,
Sending you a heartfelt hug  :hug:
Hope  :)

love it, hope.  thanks so much. :hug:

 :hug: :hug: san I hope you find some relief.

Wishing you relief and peace. HUGS

 :bighug:

Stupid life demanding us to be strong when we just want to crumple.  :fallingbricks:

:grouphug:

Hang in there whichever way you can. We love you and you can be weak here.

you are darling people.  thank you for all your hugs and support, blueberry, Cf, and armee.  so appreciated - you all lifted my spirit a bit.

yeah, i do feel it's ok to be weak here, which is a godsend to me.  i know we've often been described as 'weak' as if it's a denunciation of our character when we show emotions or can't get out of bed cuz of being overwhelmed or eat too much (put in any behavior here, like drinking, smoking, drugs, sex, etc.) in order to allay the pain or distract ourselves from the thoughts and memories that follow us around like bo-peep's sheep.  the word 'weak' has been used as a weapon against us.

i don't see anything weak about anyone who allows vulnerability.  i've heard the phrase 'the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak' over and over in my childhood.  i've heard people use the word 'weak' as an excuse for inappropriate behavior  (it was a moment of weakness).  i don't agree with all that, but it's how i've been inundated w/ the word all my life.

so, i've had to reinvent the word for myself to mean the opposite of being strong and carrying on no matter what the situation.  i was humiliated for being emotional, bills didn't get paid if i didn't stay strong enough to take them over from an irresponsible spouse, i had to be the glue to keep my family together no matter what was going on and in spite of npd T, hub, and D1.  i've heard from people from forever about how strong i am cuz what? they didn't know how to handle the situation if i wasn't?  that's on them, isn't it?

anyway, weak is a word that means i can let down my guard, i can take several days off if i need them, i can melt into a puddle of tears and not only be allowed them but be comforted for them.  i have too many memories of instances where it just wasn't allowed, and circumstances now are not fertile for most of that.  so, i'm grateful to be able to be weak here.  thank you.

thinking of you all, but not enough energy to respond to many posts.  i've got to get out of this darkness first.

no requirement to read or respond more, San. Thinking of you. I like your descriptor or re-framing the word "weak". Just a way to rest for a moment. Hugs if you want them.

thanks, CF.  and, yes i want those hugs - i want all i can get!!!  :hug:

got some relief in therapy yesterday about worrying about my D and her medical issues.  i'd realized that, while i've never had hope in life (true - hope was one of those feelings which escaped me) i've always had faith that whatever happened i'd be able to deal with it.  last week i discovered my faith in that area was missing.  i think that's why i went so dark, why i was so restless and rattled all day. 

so, yesterday we flashed on my darkness, and up came my faith, fairly bubbling to the surface.  it had gotten lost for a bit, but w/ that emdr technique i discovered it had been pushed down to my subconscious, probably buried by stress.  at any rate, it found its way to the top again, and i'm now quite solid in the belief that whatever happens w/ my D and her medical issues, we'll take care of it.  it's a good feeling for me to have back - makes all the difference in my day-to-day living.

we're going thru a few more hot days and then it will finally cool off.  this heat has also disrupted my routine and caused lots of stress in itself.  have been having a hard time finding a way to be cool enough w/o being too cold - my sensitivity thing is off the charts now, it seems.  when it cools down, i can do some transplanting - something i love - and we'll see if anything happens.  i'm a lot calmer about my plants now - we also flashed thru all my concerns and ended up having to deal w/ mothering issues, how i couldn't take care of my D's, etc.  better now. that's a bit of relief, too.

more hugs, then! :)  Glad you were able to find something that helps. It sounds kinda similar to what we do in Adult Children of Alcoholics & Dysfunctional Families. I had trouble with the Higher Power thing until it really clicked that I get to define that for me, not anyone else.

 :cheer:

:hug: so glad you found relief and faith that you'll get through whatever comes your way.

No need to respond to me either :hug:

Really glad you had T at all and even more so that it made things clearer for you - figuring out the reasons behind things - and then could process that some and reach a state of calm or calmer anyway :thumbup:

thanks for all the hugs, CF.  yep, the higher power thing is best, in my mind, when one can define it for themself.  it made all the difference for me.  :hug:

thanks for the cheer and hug, armee.  i'm gonna need that faith, cuz i'm know i'm very stressed about circumstances right now.   :hug:

thanks, blueberry.  i'll get to you when i can, but know that i think about you a lot.  i just wish 'calmer' could last a while longer.  :hug:

well, my D has to go to a specialist about her spine, and she's freaking out, and i feel so bad for her cuz she's so scared.  i know i'm very stressed cuz i dreamt about visiting mexico, my go-to dream when i'm stressed.  it's taking everything i have to keep the stress bottled up as much as possible - i don't want to share it w/ my D in words, altho she knows this stuff w/ her affects me, too.  just trying to make it to tomorrow.

Thinking of you San. 

Thinking of you too San and thanking you for doing the same for me.    :hug: :hug:

thanks, rainy.  always appreciated.  :hug:

thanks, kizzie, and back atcha.  hang tough, ok?  hangin' right beside you.  :hug:

i've only just realized 2 days ago how stressed i am.  first a dream about going to mexico, then, yesterday the realization that the headaches i've been having for the past 2 weeks are due to stress.  we have a hand-held massage tool, and i haven't used it for a while, but put it to the base of my neck yesterday, all around that area, and i could feel it work its magic.  i felt odd, strange, a little light-headed, a little woozy from what i believe were the toxins released as those muscles were manipulated.  never felt it before, but i'm starting again today to have that be a regular part of my day. 

it hurts so much to see my D scared about what's going to happen with her neck now.  she's referred to a spine clinic but has to wait till next week to find out when they'll take her. 

one bright spot is that the u.s. open begins tomorrow.  Vamos!!!

Hi SanMagic,
I am glad that you got some nice relief through using that neck massage tool, it sounds nice.  Having that as a regular part of your day sounds lovely. 

I am sorry to hear that your D is scared about what's going to happen to her neck, and I really hope that the spine clinic referral will be helpful and that they'll take her on for support and treatment.  I will keep my fingers crossed for her.

I hope you enjoy watching the U.S. Open. 

:hug:

Hope  :)

Sending positive thoughts for your daughter and her appointment this week.   :hug:

 :bighug:

Medical stuff is stressful.

thank you, hope, for your well wishes.  you brought a smile to my face this morning. :hug:

thanks, kizzie - much appreciated. :hug:

you're so right about that, armee.  thanks for that big hug.  loved it. :hug:

just hanging out and hanging on right now.  made it to today so i'm counting it as a win.

 :wave:

 :wave: back atcha, larry.   :hug:

felt pretty good today, less brain fog, more energy.  dang, i wish this would just keep going.  fingers crossed!

I'm glad you're feeling good today, san!  It's encouraging to be able to recognise that when it comes along.  I hope you have a wonderful day  :hug:

Yes San, enjoy every single lovely moment you have this good day and tuck it away for those days when things are not so good.   :hug:

yay for good days! HUGS

 :yeahthat:

thank you bach for your support  it really is good to be able to recognize it - seems like it's been so long without. :hug:

hey, kizzie, i hear you and i get it.  i did enjoy those days (unfortunately, disturbance in my force caught me yesterday) and what you said was a great reminder to do so. thanks   :hug:

CF,  definitely a YAY! got lots of stuff done which felt really good, too.  thanks. :hug:

had 3 good days, some of which i think also had to do w/ the fact that the heat lifted for 2 of them.  even tho we have a/c, fans, and are cool enough, this heat has rattled our bones.  too many switches in routines, worrying about my garden, trying to find the right comfort level, etc., i felt disturbed last nite, my anxiety ramped up, and i just felt uneasy and out of sorts.

also found out that at this specific spine clinic, they won't be able to even evaluate her for another 2 mos.  the waiting is a killer - it's so difficult to know my D is scared in the first place, but to be put on hold like that only increases the intensity.  so, dealing w/ that, too. 

but for 3 days i was active, busy, accomplished a lot of things - was able to transplant all the babies, which are doing fine, and i have a tomato actually growing!  that does my heart good.  laundry got done, sheets changed, vacuuming, - just bunches of stuff i felt really good about accomplishing.  so far today i feel ok, too.  this is delightful!  as the heat rises, tho, it turns things south for me.  will ride it out, but not enjoying it.

Comfort level is so important! congrats on the tomato and getting things done while you can. The year will soon turn seasons, I think. gentle hugs for you  :hug:

thanks, CF, for all your support and encouragement.  and, yes, soon autumn will be upon us and i'll be able to breathe that much easier. :hug:

hi sanmagic
Congratulations on your wonderful days..
Sending supportive hugs as well as best wishes for your daughter.

I'm so relieved you've gotten a few good days.  You have earned them.  :grouphug:

thanks, phil, for your support and care. :hug:

thank you, armee, for the smile you brought to my face this morning.   :hug:

yesterday's session was focused upon my - dang, i just found the feeling for it!  shame about being a girl, having feminine parts, knowing my worth as a sexually attractive woman.  whew!  i was never shown how to be a girl, wasn't allowed to shave my legs until high school (and i'd gotten mocked about having gorilla legs in jr. high - i began wearing knee-highs after that), couldn't wear makeup till i was a senior, it was an aunt of mine who got me my first bra, and when i was 5, i'd dressed up in my dad's clothes and boots and hat, and he thought it was cute, so he nicknamed me 'skippy' after a ragamuffin boy in a comic strip (i've looked it up, yep, the same look).  being a boy was ok, being a girl was never addressed.

i went out into the world utterly confused about my role in relationships, my sexual being, my attractiveness.  it was only thru others that i learned about that, but not at the time.  one time in a bar in mex. w/ a girlfriend, i went to the john.  when i came back to the table, she told me that every man at the bar watched me walk there and back.  i had no idea anyone would even want to look at me like that.  she then told me 'you're completely unaware of the effect you have on men.  you're an innocent sleaze.'

this was during the time when i was floaty, had no idea of myself as a sexual being (even tho i've had several partners by that time) had no feelings about sex except it was a way for me to be touched.  it was the alexithymia at its biggest and best.  still, to this day, i'm uncomfortable with my breasts, putting them on display, so to speak, or even having them in my eyesight when i look down.  i've been amazed at my D wearing form-fitting shirts - i wear baggy tops all the time.  so, i'm thinking i have shame issues about my female body.

anyway, that's what we're going to hopefully resolve next time.  dang, the more i dig into this stuff, the more i'm discovering how deeply the wounds can be thru inaction on the part of my folks.  having to guess my way thru the world in my skin was a crapshoot at best, and left me confused almost all the time.  i've been unformed as a person most of my life, which i'm sure has contributed to my high level of tolerance for bad behavior by partners and friends.  besides which i've looked to others to help define me cuz i had no sense of who i am.  such a pity.

Hugs, san. It's a lot to work through.

Ah San it truly IS a pity, to not know who you are, to not be aware of just your space and your affect on space and people, to not have been taught about yourself, and to not be comfortable with your body and being as it exists. The lack of awareness can be stunning. I get it, too. I also got mocked for gorilla legs. Ugh!!!!!

 :yeahthat:   except for the gorilla legs - not my experience

:hug: :bighug:

thank you, CF, for your validation and support.   :hug:

armee, thanks so much for your validation, but i'm sorry you had the gorilla leg experience, too.  it really sucks - so humiliating and shaming. :hug:

thank you, blueberry, for your ongoing support.  very glad you did NOT have the gorilla legs experience.   :hug:

bach, those hugs are so warm and wonderful.  thank you so.  :hug:

making it thru day to day.  have had a few bouts of anxiety which have come out of nowhere - not liking that.  the stress has also taken its toll once again on my neck and shoulder muscles ending up w/ nightly headaches.  have been using my massager and it's helping to break up the tension inside, but has left me w/ very sore muscles which kind of leads to more tension/stress.  what a vicious circle this crapola creates!

Sending along some big hugs for when the anxiety flares. It's a bad feeling and I hope you can feel some nurturing care from us when you are in the midst of it. 

:bighug:

 :yeahthat:    More :bighug: for you

San, 

I can add some more hugs.  :bighug:

These anxiety attacks are not fun. And they are quite difficult to avoid--they come over us when they darn well want to. That's why I call them storms. I don't ask for them, they just happen, and I have to find a way to weather them until they stop.

Sometimes, going to YouTube and searching on 10-minute mindfulness meditations brings up some nice, calm meditations that really do only take 10 minutes, and they're super easy. I don't meditate well because the anxiety of hypervigilance keeps my brain buzzing too fast to slow it down. But watching a short video with built-in sound is so easy that it works for me. It calms my hypervigilance down just long enough to release a ton of pent-up energy. Sometimes these little tricks seem too easy to be true, but the 10-minute mindfulness moments on YouTube bring me hours of peace when I need them.

On a side note: One of my great struggles is I feel like I'm always waiting for things to get better. I've been believing that my happiness is just one major change away for my entire life. I've been chasing a carrot on a stick. I'm like the gambler who always thinks the good life is just one good roll of the dice away. I'm always thinking that if the right people finally apologize to me for what they did, I'll finally be free. All I need is that closure and I'll finally be free to be happy. I'm always just sure that something...not sure what...is about to happen, and that's when I'll finally be free to be happy through and through. I googled the condition and found it to be common in a lot of people, and the best cure the internet offers is mindfulness meditations.  If you haven't read it yet, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is an amazing read. It brings a lot of peace to hypervigilance and chronic anxiety.

Whenever I'm dreading the future, or some future event, I joke with my family and friends; "I've got Pre-TSD... or Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder."

love the hugs, everyone.  armee, kizzie, PC - i so appreciate the support and care.  thank you all.   :grouphug:

looking out my window this morning, the air is yellow.  it was quite windy yesterday and it seems to have blown the residue of surrounding fires into our vicinity.  we're not in danger, but it's eerie.  when we had to evacuate from out other house 2 yrs. ago, it was quite traumatic - the air was orange and the sun was red, and ash was falling making the outdoors air unbreathable.  all very unnatural.  my D is extremely triggered right now, full of anxiety.  i know we're in a safe situation, so i don't feel quite as bad, but it's stirring nonetheless.

i also had a theory about my anxiety bouts from the past few days - one of those days i felt anger at my parents rising up, and i forcefully pushed it down for fear it would overwhelm me.  after that was when i felt the unnamed anxiety and disturbance within.  i think the two are related - afraid of the emotions so it makes itself known thru anxiety and inner disturbance that i can't name.  well, anxiety and fear are related, so that made sense to me.

i realized this yesterday, didn't feel anxious last nite.  maybe i've landed on something here.  however, i'm going to have to flash technique through this so the emotions don't overtake me but i can get thru them. 

dang, i can't even remember what i worked on w/ my T yesterday.  it's like little chiggers are working their way thru my mind, splintering memories in their wake.  so frustrating!

I think you're right, about the origin of the recent anxiety bout. I have a similar tendency, to get an upsetting emotion often before it has even registered I have turned it into something familiar, for me usually shame and selfblame. It does help to see what's going on.  :hug:

Good luck with the smoke and sky triggers. I still remember the day the sky was black where we are until noon. It was eerie as all get out. Those red suns and orange skies are unsettling.

Hey San,


Good to hear you had no bout with anxiety last night. Here's to hoping for a positive trend for you.  :thumbup:

I'd thought we were going to miss out on fire/smoke season this year in Seattle, but alas--the sky is orange, the moon is blood-red, and fires are all around us...again. To me it's like claustrophobia. I feel like I can't breathe (I do have sore chest, nausea and a headache, so it's affecting me physically), but my anxiety comes from knowing there's no escape. Nowhere to go. The smoke is everywhere.

My T has always told me to not stress over the sessions that I can't remember. Years back when I was in my first few years of trauma therapy, I'd enter his office, and 5 minutes later the session would end. I'd look at the clock and see that 45 minutes had passed, and I couldn't remember any of it. Even today, I still often forget what we talked about, but my T reassures me that remembering the session isn't critical. He says he was still able to work with my traumatized brain, whether I remembered it or not. In fact, it might have even been beneficial. If I'm in his presence WHILE I'm flashing back, he is able to zoom in on the real problem while it's in play.

I hope that's the case for you too. Sessions that fall into the trauma storm are still good sessions.

hey, armee, i sent an email to my T about my theory - i think we'll work on that tomorrow.  didn't think of 'go with that' at the time.  better late than never.  thanks for your care and concern. :hug:

PC, thank you for your kind words.  eco-anxiety has become a real thing - my T said she has a lot of clients in the midst of it.  some of my anxiety mite be related to that as well.  luckily we had some rain last nite,  here's hoping both the heat and the fires end! :hug:

last nite's rain made the air feel so good, smell so good - it's like my entire body gave a sigh of relief. 

i was in mexico for 9/11, and it was horrific to be there, away from my D's.  at the time i didn't know the border had been closed and i wouldn't have been able to get there anyway.  it was the most alone i remember being.  i'd only been there less than a month.  this year my mind kind of skipped over it.  and QE dying brought mixed thoughts and feelings.  i've been learning so much over the past couple years about history and backgrounds, it's skewed many of the views i've held most of my life.

that's not a bad thing for me, just a learning curve.  i'm glad to be able to indulge myself in this sort of thing - it's making me more aware of what's truly gone on not only in this country but in the world.  i've always put some of my greatest value on learning, and i'm discovering just how much there is still to discover.

this morning, i'm feeling ok.  yesterday was rough as my D went thru a bad disconnect w/ a friend.  they'll work it out, but it brought to mind how different the perspective and communication can be for people who have had therapy about their problems and those who haven't. she was upset by it the entire day, talking it out, running messages thru me to see how they sounded, giving her reassurance she did good to stand by her boundaries yet be fair.  it was quite upsetting to me to watch her go thru it, end up w/ a migraine by the end of the afternoon. 

she's so fragile right now, and i'm glad to be a prop for her.  unfortunately, it impacts on me in a neg. way, and i have to work myself thru it.  hopefully, she's better today. 

San,

I'm glad to hear you got your rain and that it really did help you release some anxiety. It's also good to read that your 9/11 stressor was less than usual this year. What a relief.

I'm glad you are able to be a prop for your D also, but I also understand how it impacts you too. It's good you have a T appointment tomorrow. You need to be sure your D's issues don't swamp you too. That's a precarious position for you to be in: Dealing with your own anxiety and someone else's simultaneously. My kids can drag me into their dramas quickly because I love them. I know how tough it can be to not get dragged into drama with our children. We love them. We're their support. But at the same time, we are fragile also.

About QE, I've begun to see that the world is turning topsy-turvy on all fronts. We're all learning the dark side of every story now. We are seeing some of our own celebrity heroes fall due to the secret dirty lives they've been living right in front of us. What's messing with my anxiety is learning that no family, no matter how powerful, is not without its evil.

Now I really do understand the old saying, "You should never meet your heroes." Believing that any other person or family is charmed, or better than the rest of us, is a trap we need to not walk into anymore.

In years past, our movies and TV shows and novels made it crystal clear who was good and who was bad. Today's trend is to keep you guessing throughout the story. It's more realistic today, that we are all learning that good and bad shares space in every heart and every soul, and that what some of us think is good, others think is bad, and that choosing to keep an open mind is our only link to reality. We're leaving the world of black-and-white simplicity and entering into the world of gray. Everything is gray. Gray is more accurate than black-and-white thinking, but it's also more stressful. We're more accountable to our own assessments now. This is one of the adjustments that keeps me a bit on edge. I'm now better at asking myself if I'm being too judgmental on people who are behaving offensively. Often, they have a powerful reason for being what I used to call "jerks." It's also helping me to be more cautious around people I used to just trust because they appeared to be good.

The world is evolving to a place where we need to trust our instincts more than our automated, simplistic views on authority. I grew up believing all cops were good, all priests were godly, all parents were loving, all thieves were bad. It's no wonder I've lived in hypervigilant anxiety and depression. In order to believe all cops, priests and parents were good started a war in my head because while I was automatically trusting them all, I was also being abused by all of them. Crazy-making!!!!

Learning that life is a blend of good versus bad in every person and every situation has made me more accountable to think more deeply through my assessments of my fellow humans. More forgiving, but also more suspicious. The only true evil I see on the earth now sociopathy. The lack of empathy in people and corporations and governments and religions is causing almost all our problems, socially and physically.

This transitional world we're coming into is anxiety producing and tough to accept. But we can get through this! Social change is sometimes good, but it's always stressful.

 :bighug:

I'm ok when my kids are OK. When they are not...breaks the heart.

i agree, PC - i was raised sheltered, racist, and believing whatever was put in front of me.  i've had to work hard to break those beliefs, starting way back in the vietnam war era.  the idea that truths are coming out is difficult but necessary.  i'm glad for it. :hug:

armee, it's so true.  thank you for that amazing hug. and back atcha :bighug:

another rough, emotional day yesterday.  finances this time.  ugh.

the other day my D and i were talking about lying.  she gave 2 reasons for it (fear and something else) and i added a third - just to do it to make someone else feel stupid.  she jumped on that, said those kinds of people were monsters.  i didn't tell her i was describing her father, but it gave me a sense of satisfaction somehow.

therapy this morning. i'm doing ok, by my limited standards.  i'm not the person i used to be in so many ways.  one thing i've retained is my ability to laugh.  as my D says (cuz she and i laugh daily) it's what's kept us sane.  i'm grateful for that.

To maintain a sense of humor is survival but also strength.

One day you D will see the truth on her own. That too takes strength to stay quiet when your really want to show her to protect her.

I like what you said about laughing with your D every day. I believe you're right about how it's been a bonding agent for the two of you. I personally believe that as long as the laughter is pure and kind and stress-relieving, that the family that laughs together stays together.

The ability to laugh often at myself and my problems has probably been what's kept me alive for so long.

Also, about lying. I agree that we do it out of fear and to make others feel stupid. Basically, all of the reasons we lie are about retaining personal power. We lie to try and control a situation that we can't control with the truth. We lie to stay out of trouble, or to protect ourselves from others. Sometimes lies are good, like when used to protect someone good from someone bad. But those who lie to get an upper hand in a situation know they aren't smart enough to get what they want with the truth, so they try to gain control of circumstances by manipulating the truth and tricking others into giving them what they want. Personal power. The antithesis of controlling people with lies is accepting the truth for what it is, no matter the consequences.

It's truly a spiritual experience to accept every truth and live with it.

thanks, armee for that boatload of support.  you're right - it does take strength to hold back things i'd like to say.  sometimes it seems like too much, but then i make it thru to the other side somehow.  i've got good friends in very high places - darling angels who have gotten me here. :hug:

PC, i liked your explanations for lying.  my favorite lie is lying to someone in order to keep a surprise a secret, like a gift or party.  other than that, i'd rather be hurt w/ the truth than with a lie.  thank you.  :hug:

i found myself feeling rather relaxed today despite the fact that my T cancelled, said she was feeling crappy from all the smoke, etc. surrounding where she lives.  i'm also discovering that seemingly some of my triggers don't blindside me as vehemently as they've done in the past.  could it be that 2 1/2 yrs. of 2x/week therapy is helping?  ack!  is this what it's like to feel better?  do i need to be on the lookout for the other shoe to drop? 

or could it be that the weather has finally gotten cooler and my nerves and muscles aren't completely tensed against dealing w/ the heat?  we'll see.  dang, started feeling anxious just writing about it.  rats.

Enjoy the ease. I know the feeling of waiting for the other shoes to drop. To me healing is in the amount of time between and how conked out I get when it does.

agreed, enjoy the downtime while you can. One of the resources I read, can't remember which one, explained the healing like a widening spiral. You may come back to something, but each time there is more time in between and it's a little easier to deal with. And I'm sure it starting to cool off is a bit of relief no matter what!  hugs

San,

The cooling has been a huge relief to me too. I'm still not sleeping well, but the nightmares are not the problem anymore. Just a busy brain. But during the day, with the smoke gone and the fires no longer threatening my kids' homes, and the ash no longer falling on my house, I feel so much relief.

I'm glad you're feeling it too.

And about lying. I agree. My favorite lie is when there's a surprise coming. Or when I'm lying to a liar. I've been so negatively affected by the lies of others that I just...can't...stand...liars...at...all!

And now we're coming into an election season. Ugh. Liars will call other liars liars, and the lies on both sides, from the politicians to the voters who vote for party lines (which I don't: I vote for people, not parties) will be so thick I won't want to listen to anyone say anything until the elections are over and done with. The news is banned when I'm in the room at our house until then. So is Facebook! My personal space is a no-lie zone.

And with a wife on the spectrum, she doesn't lie at all, and she's really good at seeing through other people's lies, so we are happy as two peas in a pod, living with the truth.

:)

Enjoy the cooler, clearer skies!!!!

thanks, armee.  i have been. :hug:

hey, CF - i think i'm beginning to see the spiral of which you speak.  it's kinda weird.  for too long i saw (because i was overwhelmed by them) i saw only negativity - my mind was too full to let in anything else.  so, thank you for that image.  :hug:

PC, glad you're finding some relief as well.  this was the worst summer i can remember, and i lived in the desert in mex. for 16 yrs.  hopefully the rains will come for everyone affected by these fires.  thanks for your support. :hug:

another morning of feeling ok.  i was even able to do a bit of writing yesterday.  it's still very difficult to have the energy and focus in order to concentrate for more than about 10 min., but i can fix a sentence or 2 in that time.  that at least feels like an accomplishment.  today i'm going to be a bit more physical, laundry, dishes, etc., but it feels good to be able to do that, too.  gives both my brain and my butt a rest (sitting a lot while the heat has been going on).

i did wake up w/ thoughts of my ex running thru my head, very uncomfortable, and could only stop them by getting up, so that's still going on.  altho i've tackled this several times w/ my T, i think it will only end when he's dead.  horrible sentiment, i know, but there it is.  my D said something yesterday to the effect that as chaotic and horrific her childhood was, she always felt loved and safe by her parents, and she wanted to let me know that, cuz, to her, those are the 2 most important things a child can get.

i immediately froze.  the hatred raced to the forefront of my brain, and i couldn't do anything but hold myself in check.  at the end, when she said we'd given that to her, i finally kind of croaked out - i'm glad for you that you got that.  i'm sure she felt me stiffen up - she senses things easily - but i couldn't do anything else.  i felt so awkward trying to contain my disgust and hatred, and i know i did a very poor job of it.  i also know she was giving me a gift, but it seems she's forgotten how she and her sister would hide in their room when he went off on the washer and dryer in a rage.  how did that feel safe to her, except that she was so used to it it didn't register anymore? 

ugh.  enough.  i hate it that my mind won't let me get away from him.  hoping to work on this some more on fri.

San

Your D sounds like an amazing young lady. Today's children are born into a more "awake" world than my generation was born into. I'm amazed by them more often than not.

And I hope it's okay to know that life will be better when our abusers are dead. It is not a wish for their deaths, it's a sense that safety from them will only be permanent when they are no longer any possible threat.  My greatest evil was an older sister, who successfully turned my entire family into a war zone for 50 years. I don't know if she's alive or dead, but I have "Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead" cued up in my iTunes playlists, and I plan to run it on an all day marathon on the day that I finally find out she has passed. I haven't seen, nor heard from her, since 2010 but as long as I wonder if she's still alive, I always have a little fear the old monster is going to show up at my doorstep demanding I give her a place to live because it's not her fault that she's broke and no one else will help her.

Even that boy who turned my entire Catholic School against me in 1970 was a worry for me when I wrote my novels. One day, another boy I'd gone to school with found me on Classmates.com and called me just to apologize for his small role in how badly I was treated for all those years. He said "I never knew why everyone hated you so much and I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like I did too." I then explained to him about the boy who wanted me to be his boyfriend when we were 10, and when I didn't he started all the rumors that launched the 4-5 year campaign to get me to kill myself. He then told me that THAT boy died of AIDS in 2003.  I had the strangest mix of emotions: 1) the boy HAD been my best friend up until then, and I actually felt sorry for his death, but at the same time, I felt tremendous relief in knowing he'd never return to my life on any terms. A big sigh of relief gave me the peace I'd waited for since I was 10 that the abuse was finally over.

It isn't a death wish. It isn't revenge. It's a need to feel safe. That's what I think this is.

We have the right to be angry at our abusers. And if that anger feels like hatred, well that hatred is well-placed on someone who deserves it. It doesn't make us monsters. It makes us victims who want to feel safe.

That's my opinion.

I would have frozen too San.

Take in what an amazing job YOU did then to be in a household with someone so abusive and to still hold it together enough that your D came out of that feeling loved by both parents. That is a herculean effort and then some. You paid the price of course. And it's not an awful thought to wish he were gone. You know I had the same ones and it was true for me, there was no healing until she was gone. Terrible, but not terrible.

Hugs, san. Even one sentence is progress.

and I agree, it's okay to feel better when the abuser is dead. It *is* a feeling of safety. Although I haven't seen mine in 34 years, he's of an age where if he's not dead yet, it won't be long.  And I'm perfectly okay with that. After all, that's not something even he can get out of.

PC, the idea of feeling safe is one i had no idea about, so thanks for that.  i've chewed on it since i read this, and you're right - it is a safety issue.   :hug:

dear armee, yeah.  terrible but not terrible.  thank you for all your support. :hug:

CF, thanks for the validation.  i didn't realize the issue of safety played a part in this, i've rarely even felt unsafe anywhere or with anyone.  this opens a whole 'nother door. :hug:

this idea of safety which PC brought up was a new concept for me, but the more i've thought about it, the more i can see, looking back, how frightened i was of him and his rages (altho he never raged at me or the girls), but just being around them, on the road, at home, bowling, playing cards, watching football, etc. was actually a neverending barrage of either feeling unsafe or watching out for the safety issues of others.  i remember a friend w/ whom we played cards regularly finally telling me she was thinking of quitting cuz his rages when he played, to his mind, a 'wrong' card made her feel unsafe.

i also felt unsafe knowing what he'd done at night to himself after i went to bed (after he'd gotten into a 12-step program) because i was terrified that i'd wake up to find him dead in the living room in front of the tv.  felt unsafe about the idea that my D's (after i moved out) might walk into the house and find him like that.  the safety issues didn't stop just cuz i wasn't there.  (he eventually told me he couldn't 'perform' for himself anymore so it was no longer an issue to be concerned about.  the 'death' of a body part was what finally relieved the fear of that particular scene.

still, in the past 2 years, he's insinuated his way in my life thru my D, and i've had to take over, reiterate he is not to put her in the middle of our affairs.  of course, after the first time, he said it wouldn't happen again, but it did just months later.  there is no sense of 'other' w/ these people.  so, yeah, death is the only thing that will help.  as long as he is alive, i know he'll put undue pressure on my D by telling her about his dealings w/ her sister, which upsets my D terribly.  he will not acknowledge her issues around that altho it's been years since there's been contact between the 2 of them due to the abuse by D1.

so, for my sake, and the sake of my D, i can see how i will not feel safe until he is gone from this world.  such a sad thing to say - i was just overcome by a wave of sadness - but it's true.  thanks for pointing this out to me cuz i never would've gotten to it on my own.  :grouphug:

 :hug:

Oh that's very true, San. Those are all very scary scenarios and I would not feel safe either. I'm sorry you went through so much. It would have been terrifying horrifying and I'm just so sad for you, too.

San, your reflections on safety resonate with me.

Dear SanMagic,
I heard your sadness in what you wrote.  Sending you a hug of support  :hug:
Hope  :)

Quoteso, for my sake, and the sake of my D, i can see how i will not feel safe until he is gone from this world.  such a sad thing to say - i was just overcome by a wave of sadness - but it's true.

Life is tough but just so much more so as a relational trauma survivor.  Very hard to feel this way but it really is your truth.  :hug:

Hey San,

I'm happy to hear that you had a breakthrough, and are connecting with the idea that you don't feel safe around him. It's validating that your friends have admitted they didn't feel safe around him either.

I hope that your T sessions are able to move you forward a bit more with this new realization around wanting to feel safe.

I have this deep love for being able to identify the sources of our pain. When we think we are miserable, but can't put the right words to why we are miserable, we have little power to address it.  But when we come to see the actual name for what is really causing our pain, we begin to find some control.

My example for how the right words give us the power to fix a problem is: I drive into a garage. I tell the mechanic "The car's not running right." That mechanic cannot help me.  But if I use the correct words, I can tell the mechanic, "There's an oxygen sensor that's triggering my check engine light." Now the mechanic has the power to help me. I knew the term, I knew the cause, fixing it is now possible.

When you didn't know why you wished your x was permanently gone, you had less power to move forward in your healing. Knowing it's only for a sense of safety, now gives you and your T something to work with. It might even help you talk with your D.

Having lived an entire life feeling unsafe, I feel your pain pretty clearly. I hope you and your T are able to help evolve your healing path forward a bit more with this new information.

Quote from: Kizzie on September 19, 2022, 02:28:01 PM

Quoteso, for my sake, and the sake of my D, i can see how i will not feel safe until he is gone from this world.  such a sad thing to say - i was just overcome by a wave of sadness - but it's true.

Life is tough but just so much more so as a relational trauma survivor.  Very hard to feel this way but it really is your truth.  :hug:

:yeahthat: :bighug:

first, i must say how much i appreciate the feedback, acceptance, and validation by everyone. :grouphug:

thank you, armee, for such lovely support.   :hug:

rainy, i'm very sorry you can relate to feeling unsafe.  that sucks. :hug:

hi, hope.  it's good to be heard.  thank you.  :hug:

kizzie, thanks for your support.  it is my truth, and not one that i would ever wish for another.  :hug:

PC, yeah, even tho we live on opposite sides of the country, he can still reach out and get to me, either directly or thru my D.  this realization has been awful in one sense, since i didn't really feel or acknowledge fear for most of my life.  now it just makes the thought of him that much scarier.  as far as talking to my D, she's the one who doesn't want to hear anything neg. about him, so that part of our communication is a no-show.  she knows how i feel, tho, and knows that i don't want to hear about him from her, either.  too triggering.  thanks for your support. :hug:

i just wrote that this knowledge now makes him scarier to me, and that's something that came as i wrote it.  it's not rational for the most part, but when/if it happens i'm the one who has to make everything right about the situation cuz he actively ignores past messages, requests, or circumstances.  my T and i are going to work on him tomorrow cuz this extra bit of fear is now adding to the intrusive thoughts about him, which i cannot, am not able to shake, let go of, or ignore.

many times it's in the morning when i've just awakened, thinking about nothing but just enjoying being snuggled up in bed that they happen, zapping me like bolts of electricity thru my brain.  i have to physically get out of bed and become distracted by morning rituals, etc. in order to free myself from him.  i sure hope we can diminish some of this, especially w/ this new piece of information and realization and emotion that are battering me now.  ugh.   :fallingbricks:

can't write anymore - trigger trigger trigger!   :stars: :stars: :stars:

Oh yeah San. Oof I can feel fear just reading it. It makes sense to me. Perfect sense. Why you would get that in the morning. You don't know what you are going to find, waking up, getting out of bed. And I used to get...still do...those zaps of dissociation or panic seemingly out of nowhere while I lay there feeling safe. No known triggers, but they are there they are triggers and they make sense it's just we are not quite consciously aware of them. The amygdala knows though.

hugs, San. I hope you can work through this or find something that helps with those morning things.  :hug:

thank you armee, and CF - your care is so appreciated.

i wrote about a lot of this experience in the C-PTSD as adults.  since i wrote it, i've been floating, not wanting to touch ground or deal w/ the reality of what this means, the fear, the disgust for myself (i'm trying to push it away) for staying w/ such a disgusting man for 20 years.  i'm very afraid of feeling all that fear - it's been one thing to acknowledge it and know the magnitude of it now, but a whole nother thing to feel it on any level.  can't do that right now.

i have therapy fri. and want to flash thru it all w/ my T.  until then, i want to stay in my own little floaty world with a smile in my heart at the baby tomatoes growing, how well those plants did by surviving the heat.  i made green salsa today for the first time in a long time (got some fresh tomatillos from the food bank) and it's delicious. 

i don't want to go back to the adult section to acknowledge everyone who gave me such fantastic support - too triggering - but i do want to say it was more than i expected and i'm grateful for such caring people in my universe. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 21, 2022, 06:46:16 PM
until then, i want to stay in my own little floaty world with a smile in my heart at the baby tomatoes growing, how well those plants did by surviving the heat.  i made green salsa today for the first time in a long time (got some fresh tomatillos from the food bank) and it's delicious. 

That's putting such a smile on my face. It is so important to allow yourself to be floaty and enjoy looking at your baby tomatoes.  Great self-care :) :hug:

I don't have adequate words right now, but I have lots of hugs. Like you, I wish it could be given in real life but this is also real.  :bighug:

thank you, blueberry.  that was such a pick-me-up.  :hug:

armee, i felt it.  thank you - i needed that. :hug:

just making it from one day to the next.  T tomorrow - i'm looking forward to it, hoping to get some of this off me, out of me, from surrounding me, but i'm also nervous as to what toll it might take.  my T told me she wanted to get him to be down to the size of a gnat, annoying, possibly, but not dangerous.  she was quite concerned about how those images kept multiplying. floaty floaty in a boaty . . .

I hope it's OK floaty floaty in a boaty made me laugh and smile and if I can remember it I'm using it for myself.

I trust you and T will get through this. Of course there will be splinter pieces but all toward the gaining greater peace and access to good feelings too.

almost T time. 

D and i discovered another safety issue we're facing every day - wondering if we're going to have to move from here next year.  we haven't finished either of our rooms in over a year, and we've kept boxes for our tech stuff which i see every day.  they are a reminder to me that we have to keep them in case we're forced to move again.  always in the back of my mind.  it was so traumatic this last time that right now we can't face the prospect.  it's a heavy weight.

my body's been acting up all over the place from the stress of the floating and overwhelm sitting on the horizon waiting to pounce.  ugh.

gentle hugs, san, and wishing you energy as this happens.

 :bighug:

With you.  :grouphug:

thank you, CF.  much appreciated, especially that boost of energy. :hug:

those hugs were wonderful, armee.  thank you. :hug:

did some processing on my ex, and while i was thinking of him, the image of an atomic bomb explosion appeared in my mind, giving me a visual of the magnitude of the damage he did to me.  it turned into the wizard of oz scene of the little man behind the curtain, all blustery and scary to people but really just a pathetic lost little man.  i knew this about him, but upon reflection it's interesting to see how my mind's eye recognized it and him.

it helped take him down, tho, as a source of fear.  much of what i've been afraid of has been the emotions connected to him, afraid they'd overwhelm and overpower me, but i was able to list some, especially anger and fear, while i was processing, and i think it took away the enormity of the impact they might make on my mind if i were to feel them consciously.

we also worked on the other safety issue i've been submerged beneath, which is the fear of having to move again.  while processing that i was able to retrieve my faith in myself to deal w/ whatever happens.  that faith in me to get thru whatever life mite throw at me has been a staple throughout my life.  i think the lack of fear i've dealt with was replaced by this faith in myself, but i've noticed it slipping away several times now.  don't know exactly why - because i'm beginning to feel afraid?  i've been thru this aspect of my life too many times?  i'm worn out from it?  this energy has its limitations and i'm coming to the end of them?  ugh.

i've noticed, too, that i've had thoughts of contacting my ex best friend or my ex boyfriend, neither of whom made me feel safe.  i mentioned to my T that feeling unsafe seems to be my norm, if i look back over my life.  now that i'm tackling safety issues, am i feeling unsafe in that and want some of the more 'normal' version of feeling unsafe back into my life? 

so many questions.  this safety thing feels like a new concept to me, now that i can feel fear at times.  if i look back, alcohol soothed and smoothed a lot of that for me.  no wonder i loved it so much - best friend giving me confidence and courage i didn't know i didn't have.  it's a lot of years since that crutch has been gone and i'm now able to discover the fragile, sensitive, needy little girl i never knew.  she's got more heart and spirit than i ever realized.

san, I smiled reading about that little girl who has more heart and spirit than you ever realised.  :hug:

Your mind continues to absolutely AMAZE me! These images you get are so powerful.

That little girl WAS and IS heartful and spirited.  Fragile too and she has the right to be all those things. You've gone through so much...you, her...and you are truly now strong enough to let this vulnerable piece finally be able to just be.  :grouphug:

hugs, san!  Yes, that girl is heartful and spirited. :) You're both just lovely flowers starting to bloom, with a tenacious hold on the earth.  Wishing you both peace and more joy.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on September 24, 2022, 03:56:05 PM


so many questions.  this safety thing feels like a new concept to me, now that i can feel fear at times.  if i look back, alcohol soothed and smoothed a lot of that for me.  no wonder i loved it so much - best friend giving me confidence and courage i didn't know i didn't have.  it's a lot of years since that crutch has been gone and i'm now able to discover the fragile, sensitive, needy little girl i never knew.  she's got more heart and spirit than i ever realized.

Hi SanMagic,
There is so much here that you've said that really shows how much you've been processing - and the fact you can 'feel fear at times' now - that is a big thing.  Discovering the fragile, sensitive, needy little girl - with her heart and spirit - she sounds amazing.  Thank you for sharing your awareness of her - I wanted to send you safe hugs to all parts of you that would like one  :hug:

Hope  :)

thanks for sharing that, blueberry.   :hug:

armee, realizing over the past 2 weeks just how much i've gone thru w/ one man has nearly been overwhelming.  i can't begin to add any of the other stuff to it right now.  the idea that he stood back and watched me stumble over and over (once for real, too) never lending a hand or giving me a warning, well it's so very disturbing to me now.  thank you for your ongoing support. :hug:

CF, it certainly has been a tenacious hold on the earth.  when i look back i can almost feel it being that way.  thanks for the validation. :hug:

hey, hope, you put into my consciousness the staggering amount of what i've been processing lately, and it's been only about one man.  thank you for your hugs - i can't imagine any part of me that doesn't want one.   :hug:

it's been a trying and turbulent few days.  i've been feeling disturbed inside w/ no understanding or resolution, except i think i may have so many emotions inside that have been roiled up by my processing last week, they're all in ther just out of my reach.  some kind of coven of emotions dancing around a fire, whooping and hollering but never really allowing themselves to be known.  still, i'm feeling it in an awful way.

i did name 2 emotions during processing last week - anger and fear - that relate to him, but i never really felt them.  i'm acknowledging they're probably there inside me, wreaking havoc on my insides.  i can guess there might be disgust, humiliation, sadness, hurt, pain, and i don't know what else - that's as far as my brain can go w/ the emotions thing.  i've eaten my way thru calming myself at night, extra meds and cigs - one night i thought of something i've never thought of before - SH.

that was scary to me.  i'd never had an urge to do something like that before, but i think it came from all these feelings inside (add frustration).  i pulled myself back from that brink, but it was frightening to know the urge was even there.  i have T this morning, hoping to be able to sort myself out.  too much pain and disturbance.  i don't like it.

Thinking of you, san  :hug: :bighug:

 :bighug:

Hey San. I've been there. It's really scary to have that thought for the first time especially when it's been a forbidden thought for so long. It makes perfect sense that feeling would come up now when you are having what you described perfectly as a coven of emotions standing around a fire whooping and hollering in the dark.

I know that feeling well. It IS a wild unruly mix of emotions...a mob really. It acts like a mob too there are a lot of individuals but they behave as one unruly group such that they really are no longer individual emotions..they turn into one super emotion made up of all the big "bad" ones.

When I would have to describe this to my own therapist after another insanity making encounter with my mom I would have to describe it as "my exploding ball of ickiness" because individually naming them all did not really cut it. When they are all there exploding, whooping at once, it's a whole different feeling. It's too much. It's too much to feel, too much to tackle.

No wonder your mind thought of self harm. That you made it all this way without letting that thought in before shows both how very strong you are and how very powerful this mix of emotions is. This is the same storm that would give me those awful feelings too.

Its ok to see and acknowledge that feeling of wanting to do anything to manage the coven. It's OK to just say thank you to that thought, I see you, it does feel that bad, but I have other ways to cope so I don't need to do that. Traditional self harm and thoughts of dying have been very very forbidden to me so i kept them at bay unheard for a long time. When they started bursting through unbidden it was really scary.  :grouphug: I'm with you and I know you've got this. You don't have to do anything about those thoughts they can just come and go. Just acknowledge it is that bad.

That crazy mix of emotions are so confusing it's hard to know what to do with them. As you can, if you can, maybe you can freeze frame one from the coven, call it over and talk to it, separate it from the crowd like you did naming some of them already. Slowly peel off one and then another from the wild mob around the fire until they are each separate individuals again, unruly maybe but without that imob mentality.

I'm sorry this man did so much damage and let you fall over and over. He's a bad person. YOU have a heart of gold. You are sitting here wrapping me in a warm blanket reading me a story while you go through all that suffering yourself. How is that humanly possible? But I'm here and I've got you too. You aren't going to fall. You're bending.

San, I appreciate you sharing your experience.  I resonate with the presence of feelings that express themselves in complicated ways inside our bodies. 

bach, thanks so much.  it meant a lot. :hug:

hey, armee, so glad you've got me - i've needed it and it felt really good.  the idea that 'it is that bad' clicked w/ me in a visceral way.  thanks for naming it in such a way.  it helps so much to be validated by someone else that i'm not just making a mountain out of a molehill.  and you're right - the idea that such a thought came into my mind (i could picture it, too) shows what a tremendous toll this has taken on me.  more than i could imagine.

how was it possible?  as a therapist, i'd often have to switch gears from what was going on at home to taking care of my clients.  and thank you so for your kind words. :hug:

rainy, yeah, physical manifestations of emotional or mental processes.  it's got to come out somewhere, right?   :hug:

therapy was interesting.  so far, so good as to the results.  it began w/ me telling my T about how turbulent my weekend was since i'd talked to her (my D1's birthday was also last fri.  my D and i didn't acknowledge it out loud.  kind of eerie, but it's been nearly 8 yrs. since i've had any contact w/ her.  so sad in my heart)  after tossing around a few possibilities as to where to start, i told her that since it felt good to list those 2 emotions during the flash technique, i'd like to do that again w/ the rest of them.

this, essentially, was a guessing game.  i can't really feel much more than a glimmer of anything regarding him besides the fear/anger, but i guessed at what feelings/emotions might normally fit w/ any scenario including him.  so, as we proceeded to flash, i listed such emotional elements as humiliation, frustration, confusion, decisiveness (i was the one making all the decisions for the family, including anything to do with accountability for both him and the girls) and several others i can't think of right now.

after flashing one time, we did it again and my T added 'shock' (as it turns out i was shocked by him several times in many different ways - financially, about our D's, what he would not do to save them if needed, his nighttime activity, etc) and that time my mind got highjacked a bit by thinking of my D.  third time was a hit, tho.

i saw myself holding this list and deciding to get rid of it.  first i crumpled up the paper, but that didn't feel strong enough, so i decided fire would be the only thing big and bold enough to rid myself of this.  at that thought i found myself in a life preserver in the middle of a sea, lighter and paper in hand.  as i began flicking the lighter, i noticed the sea was made up of oil.  i know what would happen if i tossed a burning paper into it but my mind became very clear and i didn't care that i would be blown up.  and that's what happened.

afterwards, everything felt quiet and i looked into the life preserver, and there on the seat was a tiny being, all white, about the size of a hardball, moving slightly.  what came to mind next was the image of the phoenix in 'harry potter', and how after it burst into flames there was this tiny baby bird, alive, but needing to take the time and energy to grow up again.

and that's where i think i landed.  my T thought it sounded exhausting to remake myself, but in actuality it felt liberating, a sense of freedom from this dark trauma under which i've been held down, trapped, suffocating and drowning.  it's as if i've set myself free and as i checked on that little one today, it's still there, possibly a bit bigger, still moving around.  it may be that i had to destroy this old version of myself in order to make a break from all that's been holding me down for so long.

i'm still feeling ok, a little bit of the unknown, but not so weighted down by darkness.  i also believe i saw this happen the day before - as i was cleaning in the kitchen, a black shadowy something, quite large, passed from my right side to my left, behind me, and melted itself down the hallway toward the door to the outside.  death and rebirth.  a portent of what i needed to do.  so far, it's all good, even tho it seems like there are dark undertones.  right now i look at this little white bunch of being and see it as a fetus, but this time my mother is not smoking while she's pregnant w/ me.

Wow sanmagic, such powerful imagery.
As you remake yourself, i hope you stay unburdened by the heavy weight of darkness.
Sending mounds of support and encouragement your way.

agreed, very powerful.  Gentle hugs to you and wishing you strength and peace as you work through this. :)

thanks, phil - i so appreciate the support and encouragement  :hug:

CF, loving those hugs and all the rest.  thank you. :hug:

today i visualized my fetus-me and she's growing in the womb, looking like she's getting ready to be born.  i'm excited about this.

as i thought about remaking me, i believe i'll imagine situations along the way, from birth on, where things were non-traumatic.  gonna change this script.  doesn't feel exhausting, but light and free.  i'm gonna be done right this time!

baby me was born last nite.  i could feel it happening, could see the fetus growing in my mind's eye, taking on the shape of a baby.  i felt very uncomfortable in my being and then some relief - i was born. 

in this new version of my upbringing, my parents were overjoyed at having a beautiful baby girl, albeit w/ a gash next to her eye and probably a lot of bruising and puffiness.  i heard my F say i was the ugliest baby he'd ever seen (he told me that several times in real life) and my M stood up to him. she had my back, which was new, called him out for saying something like that to and about me, that i was hurt but still beautiful, and never to ever say that to me again.  maybe that's how he talked w/ his buddies, but not to this beautiful baby.  i found myself smiling.

there was more, and i was into it all the way, but at that point my D came out to the balcony and started talking about something that had just happened w/ one of her friends, and i simply froze.  i had both feet firmly planted in my birth story, and i struggled to pay attention to her, could only get out a couple of 'mm hmm's' and she left abruptly saying she didn't know what was going on w/ me.  i asked what did she want me to say, she said 'i don't know' and left.

this really disrupted my thought processing.  i went in shortly after, told her i was sorry but i was in the middle of being born, she said i could've told her i was into something, and it ended there.  we'll probably talk about it today, but the truth is i was not able to speak my truth at that moment cuz i was frozen.  it was terribly weird to be stuck between 2 worlds like that.

so, i was completely disturbed inside for the rest of the night, couldn't get back to where i'd been, went to sleep after eating whatever i could find just to try to tamp down the disturbance.  i woke up at 4 this a.m. and it was then i was able to finish the process i'd started last nite.  it took 2 more hours, but i went thru my baby and toddler stages in a happy, affectionate, attentive household.  i smiled, laughed, was held and enjoyed by my parents, was never shushed when i got hurt but rather got words of validation and acceptance while being held and soothed. 

i realized i'm redoing my upbringing w/ the images of the parents i needed, rather than the ones i had.  my M put me ahead of housework and my F read the paper to me every night (i didn't care - i just knew i was snuggled into him and feeling safe).  so far it's working well.  my heart and spirit are only in their beginning stages of formation, but now they have a lush, fertile field in which to grow and eventually bloom.

I'm sorry your d came at the wrong time and you froze. I would've frozen in that situation too. When I freeze to that degree, I can't talk either :hug:

thanks for the validation, blueberry.  very appreciated.  it's such a strange phenomena.   :hug:

Just sending another  :hug:  your way San.  I want better lives for you and all of us here so very much.

What a cool thing you're doing, San, reliving your childhood the right way.

Thanks for sharing the experience with us. I hope to hear more as you progress through this process. 

And I hope your D is okay after you and she are able to discuss the freezing moment you had. I believe I would have had just as difficult a time shifting out of the process to converse with one of my kids too. It takes deep concentration to do what you're doing.

This is the most beautiful amazing healing work I've ever witnessed, San. I can't even imagine what a beautiful force this beautiful baby will become given the right nurturing.

It's OK to explain to your D that you were frozen. Our bodies and minds do weird things sometimes. She'll understand.

amen, kizzie.  thank you so. :hug:

PC, my D and i are good.  i explained what happened, she apologized for interrupting.  thanks. :hug:

hey, armee, she did understand, and we're all good.  i know this may be an unusual way to go about healing, but that image of blowing myself up to get out from under the trauma and the emotional overwhelm spurred me on to rewrite my childhood. it was the only thing i could think of to do.  thank you for your support. :hug:

more later.  so far i've grown to 21 mos. old, just before my sister was born.  she was an ongoing source of bullying toward me and our little brother.  writing that, i'm interested to see how that will be taken care of!

yesterday i could feel the rumblings of further progress with this - what?  rebirth?  re-living of my life?  not sure how to phrase it, just doing it.

rereading what i've posted so far i remembered me sitting on the balcony smiling.  what was amazing about that was that smile was accompanied by a true feeling of happy.  it was such a lovely feeling - light, airy, clean, pure - one that i don't know if i'd ever felt before.  i know i've questioned myself during my life about not feeling happy (i have everything i want right now, why don't i feel happy?) many times, but that feeling was never there.  yet, here it was at last and it was mixed w/ satisfaction and contentment.  perfectly lovely.

this morning i nudged myself to go back into my narrative (is that the right word?) and it took the form of my mom being pregnant w/ my sister. she encouraged me to place my hand on her belly to feel the baby kick, and i saw my little toddler self w/ eyes opened wide, mouth formed into an 'O' at the experience.  they made me a part of her birth experience from the start, explaining about a baby being inside mama's tummy, etc. then my dad picked me up and swung me around.  it was like a moment of sheer joy of his knowing his family was growing and i was included.

this picturing ended w/ my mom getting ready to leave for the hospital.  she told me she'd be gone about a week (i didn't have any idea what that meant) but when she came home she'd be bringing a little sister or brother with her to live with us.  i stood and listened, didn't understand much, but accepted.  my final image was of the 3 of us standing in the kitchen.

so, spits and spurts, but just after i finished w/ this piece i found myself smiling again and feeling that happiness feeling again.  so very strange to me, but delightful.  it doesn't stay for long, but it's there for a bit, i can feel it, and i really like it.

San- what beautiful images! So glad you can do this for yourself. It's very inspiring.   :hug: :hug:

 :cheer: :cheer:

Pure light happy peace!!!! All these feelings you get to feel now too!

It was truly inspired to blow it all up and start over. Rebirth, reliving, reparenting, whatever you call what you are doing it is amazing and seems to be exactly what you needed. Keep going!

San,

I'm thoroughly enjoying your reports on how this idea of yours, to re-experience your own life your way, is giving you such a great new perspective.

I can feel the peace and joy it's bringing to you and I'm excited to read more about it each day. Thank you for journaling it so we can share in the experience.

thanks for the warm thoughts, CF   :hug:

armee, i know!  didn't think this would happen, but being able to feel something other than dark emotions is amazing! thanks for the encouragement. :hug:

PC, thanks for your validation. it's fantastic, in a fantasy sort of feeling, like i'm there but here at the same time.  :hug:

trying to remember what's been told to me about this period in my life has been a little difficult, a little hard to rearrange it.  i think my mom told me she was gone for 2 weeks giving birth to my sis (no details), and that when she returned i didn't recognize her.  i believe i stayed w/ my aunt, who lived upstairs?  i'm going w/ that, tho. my aunt was very fun and i'm sure, thinking about that now, that i had a better time w/ her and my uncle than i did w/ my folks.

whew!  that was a big piece to pull out.  my mom told me in later years that just before my sis was born, she asked my dad not to be as hard on this new baby as he'd been on me.  that's stuck w/ me in a dark way, but meaningful.  it would make sense that i'd have a good time with A and U, not being so restrained and restricted.  (unfortunately, this was one time my M stood up to my F, but it was not for my sake.) my spirit is much too adventurous for that.  so, putting it together, i'm making this be that during the day i was upstairs w/ A and U, having a good time, and after he came home from work and ate supper, my dad would come get me so i could sleep in my own bed.

this feels farfetched - extremely - but it's what i would've needed.  being w/ my dad most nights would continue my sense of safety and protection i'd need from my F.  of course there would be times he'd visit my M in the hospital - they did things really different back in the 40's - so i don't know exactly what might have gone on w/ her, but during her absence i was surrounded by fun, caring, love, and enjoyment.  this is my revitalization, so i'm going with that.

my next piece will be what happens when my sister comes home.  just finishing this piece up has given my disturbing rumbles inside.  not sure what they mean - i may have forgotten a piece i need, or i just want to puke out the crapola i was put thru - i'm naming it abandonment, emotional negligence, and torture is the word that comes to mind.  when i wrote about my spirit just now, that word popped into my head, but i swatted it away.  still, thinking about the free, curious, and gregarious spirit of which i'm made, maybe torture would be appropriate for emotional restraint.

i believe such restraint also occurred physically throughout my day by means of a playpen.  ugh!  so, yeah, those restraints are gone, but i can imagine it to be torture to have all that emotional, mental and physical energy and not be allowed to move or explore more than a 4-ft. area. i know the playpen, too - it was square, wooden, had a little bar w/ 3 colored wooden balls on it.  hardly enough to keep someone as free-spirited as my occupied and satisfied for more than a few moments.

i know people here and elsewhere have gone thru Torture and mine was of the little 't' variety, but i was so full of life that to be pinned down on all 3 sides like that had to feel like torture to my growing existence.  and the tears are on the verge right now.  still, i frickin' defied them and their restraints.  *fist in the air*  deep breath, and will continue another time.

You did. You defied them when they tried to break and restrain your spirit. Break free!   :hug:

armee, love the encouragement.  thank you so. :hug:

this morning was emotional.  i envisioned my mom returning w/ baby sister in tow.  there was a big deal made of introducing me to her, everyone joyous and excited, which felt very inclusive.  i was smiling and felt contentment.

i decided to go a step further.  i believe my emotions had already been shut down by this point in my life so i pushed thru to having that rectified, at least as much as i could.  it was kind of intense as i pictured my dad going thru most of the basic emotions - mad, sad, ashamed, afraid, hurt (for some reason i didn't include happy, but that may be because in this scenario there was happiness around me and i've now felt it twice while going thru my new upbringing).

so, i imagined how my dad dealt with me having the other basic emotions.  w/ each one, he told me it was ok to feel that way, that he feels those emotions, too, they're something everyone feels.  when we got to fear, it was quite incredible for me in real life.  he told me everyone gets afraid sometimes, it was nothing to be ashamed of, and that it was ok.  then he said 'don't worry, i've got you' and as soon as i heard those words, my adult self burst into tears of relief.

so, i spent several minutes crying, thinking about that, what a difference it made to have heard that.  he also gave me a way to deal w/ fear, which was to assess the situation for any true danger, in which case i had a choice to make - fight or flee.  he also told me if it wasn't going to actually hurt me to either put it to the side or (he offered me a little cardboard box) to put it in the box.  i could know the fear was there, acknowledge it, but since it was in a place where it couldn't stop me, i could then go ahead and do what i wanted to do in the first place.

to have emotions acknowledged instead of shamed or humiliated for having them, or dismissing them and having him get angry at me and punishing me when they showed up - it would have made all the difference in my life.  i would have been allowed to be human, show a rational feeling for situations, and know that it's normal, that he had my back.  if i'd had this even at such a young age, i can only imagine the results in life situations. 

instead, i kept silent when anything upsetting or frightening happened, never went to either parent for help, assistance, common sense, direction, or answers to questions i mite have about anything in relationships and interactions.  i was on my own from too early on.  watching this new scenario play out has given me some of the happier emotions i've never felt before, and has normalized those emotions my brain/mind had to hide for fear of retribution. 

i'm pretty wiped out from this today, so it looks like rest is in order.  but it's so very good to experience this.

even as i went away from this narrative, i felt the need to return here.  something else is brewing, i can feel it inside, but have no idea what it might be.  but something's there . . .

I appreciate you sharing your experiences of saying to your younger self what you needed to hear. 

Hugs, san!  That's a lot of work, but it sounds like it's really helping.  Thank you for sharing with us.

thank you, rainy, for your support :hug:

CF, it's more work than i expected. thanks for your support. :hug:

well, now i know what was bubbling up - self-doubt.  don't know if i'm making too big a thing out of how i'm feeling about this, if i used terms, like torture, which really don't apply, if i'm self-pitying and seeing what i don't remember as more thank it actually was.  i just don't have any other explanation for how i came out of my childhood w/ no emotions except sadness.  they must have been there, they must've gotten stopped somehow because i spent my life w/o them. 

T tomorrow - i'll get some insight from her which will hopefully put my fears and doubts to rest, or have me look at my experience more realistically.  ugh!  i thought this would be smooth sailing and i'd be joyful at finally putting this puzzle together in a way that makes sense for me, instead of now, having rewritten this small portion of my life it's bringing me to more sadness, more confusion.  i've lived most of my life confused and feeling on my own and i thought this would mend all that.  it's bringing up more of it, tho, and my mind is in a whirlwind right now.

 :hug:

Self doubt sucks. And when we doubt ourselves as much as we here do....well it's just not very useful. Can you try thanking the doubt and then ignoring it a bit? The psychological abuse component that we and you endured is a form of torture. It feels torturous. What you are doing is helping. Anything else - literal precision, doubt etc - it's just not helpful toward healing. But when the self doubt falls away there is a consequence to that too and the doubt protects you from that.

armee, thank you so much for the word 'torturous'.  that's what fits here.  and my T reiterated what you said about psychological torture.  you helped me be able to fall asleep last nite by giving my that word.  she also talked about self-doubt as something we learn from our parents so it makes sense to feel it when we speak our truth.  you have my gratitude. :hug:

so, now i've gotten to my second birthday, which i imagined as being a joyful occasion, one where my parents included my sister and celebrated my being just as i was.

my real birthday is fri., i'm gonna be 75, a milestone to me.  there is no way i'd have lived this long w/o some external help from everyone here - i know of at least 3 instances where i should have been dead long before this.  people here and my guardian angels got me thru.  so grateful.

Oh San Happy Happy Happy Birthday all week. I am so glad you were born, made it all this way, and are now getting to be made anew, too. I don't know how I would have made it through the past especially several weeks without your warmth and hugs and just the right words you always have.

I am grateful for the souls who have pulled you through to make it to 75. Especially YOU! Keep going!!

Happy upcoming birthday, san! We're glad you're here with us, and we celebrate you just as you are. happy hugs!

armee, your words and wishes brightened my heart this morning.  thank you so. :hug:

CF, those happy hugs and accepting words made me smile.  thank you so much  :hug:

i'm having a sugar week, using my birthday as an excuse.  at least to make me not feel so bad about it.  i suspect it's got something to do w/ rewriting my narrative (that's what my T called it, and also said 'this is therapy'.  i didn't quite know what to do w/ that - it seemed big).  bringing all this stuff back up and re-imagining it can be tricky, especially so far because it's all been before there were any memories.  i think i don't know quite what to do w/ all the happiness my narrative is actuating, all the smiles, touches like hugs, enjoyment of me just being me from my folks (not so much my mom - she's not been in this as much as my dad) accepting me, and encouraging me to be me (dang, it's all about me!)

at any rate, i suspect some of this is making me uncomfortable at an inner level of my being.  but i believe it's working, doing what it's meant to do, which is allow me my spirit, to be able to recognize and set boundaries, and to know someone has my back.  even writing those 3 things nearly overwhelmed me.  this is affecting me at emotional levels - tears were threatening right now - so i know i'm getting to the heart of all this. 

one really positive thing i've noticed is that darkness of trauma is not covering me.  i'm not sure where or why it went, but i feel much lighter, have more intrinsic energy.  odd.  but, i remember seeing it leave last week, which may also sound odd, but i've had that experience before, several times.  i think it's part of my ultra-sensitivity to forces w/in and around me.  like my personal magnetic field is so strong that i stop watches.  that's been going on since junior high when i got my first one.  huh. i can't ever discount my energy level - it's brought wild and wonderful things to me.

kind of rambling.  i'm pretty caught up in all this, everything surrounding it, and my birthday coming up.  my 34th birthday was a big deal for me, not sure why, but felt like some kind of turning point (my D2 was born, had my idyllic family - i thought- and everything changed, including me, but not necessarily for the better)  but this one feels monumental somehow.  getting to it feels like one of my greatest accomplishments in life.  i'll take it.

best birthday EVER!!!! :yahoo:  thank you everyone who gave me wishes and words - they were gifts of the highest quality - they really helped make my day so wonderful!  :grouphug:

today i'm a little tired - all that over-stimulation and excitement kinda wiped us out last nite, but i'm still feeling good.  i don't want to jinx anything, but saying it doesn't make it so, right?  i still feel that darkness of trauma which has been covering my every thought has gone away. it feels really nice.  like i can see the world a little more clearly (which doesn't bring much comfort nowadays, but still).

so, waiting and watching, hoping this stays.  i still have more childhood work to do, but that will wait till it decides it's time.  i also know i'll have trauma memories after childhood to process.  in the meantime, i will just enjoy.

I am glad your birthday was special.  Best wishes as you continue to move through the darkness.

hugs, san. so glad it was a good birthday for you!

rainy, thanks for that extra encouragement about moving thru the darkness.  loved it! :hug:

thanks, CF.  it was the best. :hug:

even tho i'm still not feeling that heavy weight of trauma darkness engulfing me, i'm still finding myself getting upset at the smallest things, almost like i'm pouting - 'we do this for you, why can't we do that for me?' kind of thing.  it was something between me and my D, and it got straightened out, but for half a day i was bothered.

pouting - could that be a little me showing her face?  since i've gotten to the point in my reinvention narrative where i'm 2, it just struck me that these would be the years for pouting to begin.  i don't know that i ever pouted!  that will surely be part of my next round of growing up in a healthy, nurturing atmosphere.  wow - so glad i didn't edit myself.  it opened a door.

 :hug:

Little toddler San deserves to be a regular loved kid who pouts sometimes. I think you're completely right that's what is happening. You're doing a great job and this really seems like a solid path toward healing. Keep going.

I resonate with expressions from our littlest selves.  I hope giving room for those pouts and expressions releases some things. 

armee, thanks for the encouragement and the validation about pouting.  much appreciated. :hug:

hey, rainy, yep, it has been releasing things, for sure.  more and more memories of what did/didn't happen and how i needed it to happen are coming up in waves.  this is new territory for me. :hug:

last nite, i felt the urge to tackle another piece of this narrative - the years betw. 2 and 4 - and there was so much there, again!, that i couldn't deal w/ it all in one sitting.  i noticed i'm leaving my sister out of this at this point - she'd only been just born, so not a factor yet.  she will be, tho.

i remember a 'safe' feeling from my dad sitting on the rocker, sleeping, holding me in his lap cuz i wasn't sleeping.  safest i've ever felt in my life.  totally safe, one time only.  most of this narrative has to do w/ my dad, cuz he was the biggest person in my life growing up.  my mom seemed to be busy, in the background, cleaning, laundry, cooking.  i've always thought of her as mousy, never wanted to be like her, wanted to be like my dad who was charismatic as all get out.

wanting to be like my dad is another piece of my sexual awareness.  during this time in my life, i saw pictures of me dressed up in some of his clothes - hat, jacket, boots - which were waaaay too big on me, but my dad got a big kick out of it, nicknamed me 'skippy' after a scruffy comic character, who was a boy.  once i told him i wanted to be a princess (i loved those pink, fluffy, sparkly dresses) and he immediately told me 'you don't want to be a princess. they have no privacy.'  i can still hear those words today, exactly, complete w/ tone of voice.

so, in my new narrative, i changed all this, and it overwhelmed me w/ several feelings - sadness was big, but also a fullness, as if i was filled up inside w/ something important.  NN (new narrative) went quite differently.  i pictured my dad, when i said this, that he picked me up and swung me around, told me i was his princess, his pretty princess, and always would be.  he was smiling and laughing and so was it.  then my mom came into the picture after he put me down, told me 'come here, honey. you are my pretty princess, too.' and gave me a big hug and was smiling.

thus my girly side was affirmed as well as the whole idea of being pretty (when i look back at pictures of me when i was younger, i really was pretty!  it breaks my heart i didn't know it, no one told me that except one boy who stared at me during lunch at college.  when i asked him why he always stared, he told me just that - cuz i was so pretty.  i couldn't take that in, so it never stuck w/ me, and i went thru much of my life not having the faintest.

one other take from this episode was the idea that when i dressed up in my dad's clothes, he was entertained.  like i was worth something to him. but i don't really remember him entertaining me.  i spent my life trying to make him proud, but the only time i saw a hint of pride in his eyes was when i did something against the rules at school, had to go to the vp's office after school and my dad had to come pick me up.  when i told him what i'd done (put fake rubber puke on the floor at lunch to see people's reactions), that's what he was proud about.  not what a good, obedient girl i was, nor my great grades in school - but i'm getting ahead of myself.  that will get fixed later.

for now, i once again had to finish this part up this morning, and needed to do a few eye movements to help make the images stick.  don't know if i'm through, yet - something feels unsettled inside - but i think i made some strides.  i once asked my mom why she never said i was pretty, she said she didn't want to sound like she was bragging.  so, i know she thought i was pretty, but stopped herself from ever letting me or anyone else know.  ugh!

last nite, the sadness was for a life spent not realizing what i showed to the world personally.  what a difference it would've made if they'd said i was pretty.   how much confidence it would've instilled in me as a young woman.  how much shame/guilt i would not have carried at having woman parts, trying to not draw attention to them, cover them up w/ loose-fitting clothes.  how un-girly my choice of clothes were.  no wonder i never had a 'style' of my own or show off my femininity.  i didn't know i had it.

oh, the pouting.  i visualized several scenarios where i might've pouted - not getting something i wanted, not wanting to eat something (i really couldn't think of much) and had my folks respond to me sympathetically rather than telling me to smile.  i even tried a little pouting, altho it was weird cuz i didn't know if my mouth was doing the right thing.  no practice can make one question everything!

enough for now.  more work to do, but later.  still, i'm seeing how all my confusion at being came about and where my emotions went.  i hate it, hate them right now.  none of this should have happened, and it wouldn't have taken much to have fixed this.

i had to take some time to whittle this bit down to a 1-yr. span instead of trying for 2 yrs. - 2 was too much, and my mind was muddled.

sitting w/ what i'm learning, i was able to see how being given my dream of being a princess by acceptance from my folks rather than denial/dismissal allowed me to feel safe and loved.  first time i thought about feeling loved, actually feeling it.  i knew it as a concept, but not as a feeling, and that's followed me thru-out my life.  this brought a smile to my face as i pictured little 3-yr. old me being enjoyed, having my dream be embraced rather than erased.  what a difference.

also, allowing me my feelings/emotions opened the door to being able to feel happiness rather than me smiling and looking happy.  in turn, it gave me the safety to ask questions of my dad, like you get mad? what do you get mad at? - anything along those lines.  it's strange how much i accepted and absorbed w/o saying a word, just going along like a 'nice/good' little girl.  quite a lot of revelation for me for just one year, and i need to sit w/ this for a bit.

since yesterday, i've been cementing those images of being a happy 3-yr. old, being whirled around in the air by a laughing dad, but now my mom and  baby sis are in the picture.  my mom's sitting on the couch, smiling, holding the baby, telling her she's also a princess, saying out loud 'we have two princesses in this family', and we're all happy and smiling at the same time (altho i'm laughing w/ glee).

leaving that image, it's quite extraordinary to think how completely different my life, and now my sister's life would/could have been.  at this point in the NN, i can smile when i see it and just feel happy for 3-yr. old me, seeing her experiencing happy and joy, feeling safe and loved.  whew!  what a difference.

i also believe that in the NN, the idea that i can feel real happiness also means i can feel real anger, real fear, real anything and that i can also go to my folks and talk to them about it.  totally different from my true experience.  that would have kicked alexithymia out the door, which would have eliminated a lot of confusion about life and living for me throughout my life.  it's nearly overwhelming to think about it, and i had to stop myself yesterday for just that reason.  i became overwhelmed by the implications of such changes.  enough for now.

So glad to hear you had an awesome birthday San  :hug: :hug: :hug:

Quotesince yesterday, i've been cementing those images of being a happy 3-yr. old, being whirled around in the air by a laughing dad, but now my mom and  baby sis are in the picture.  my mom's sitting on the couch, smiling, holding the baby, telling her she's also a princess, saying out loud 'we have two princesses in this family', and we're all happy and smiling at the same time (altho i'm laughing w/ glee).

leaving that image, it's quite extraordinary to think how completely different my life, and now my sister's life would/could have been.  at this point in the NN, i can smile when i see it and just feel happy for 3-yr. old me, seeing her experiencing happy and joy, feeling safe and loved.  whew!  what a difference.

I think I missed what is NN, but it sounds a lot like the therapy I'm doing in the Ketamine program.  I think it's called ACT where I go through a traumatic scene and then rewrite it in my mind's eye making it how I wanted it to be.  It's both lovely and oh so sad at the same time.  It typically involves my NM raging or humiliating me and I rewrite things and make her into a more loving, understanding M who evens laughs with me about something I did as a kid that caused her to get angry back then. 

How different life would have been for us eh?  (There's my Cdn coming out lol)

NN = new narrative.  and, yeah, it sounds a lot like what you're talking about.  rewriting the script/narrative so that it suits us the way we needed it to.  it is both happy and sad, and you're absolutely right - what different lives we would have led.   :hug:

finally settling down from the latest chapter of my NN.  i'm 3, i can clearly see me being swung around in the air w/ my dad, he's laughing, i'm giggling my head off, my mom's smiling.  and i can feel 'happy'.  it's been a little rocky getting to here, but it's cemented in now, i think, so i'll be waiting for the call for the year of 3-4.  should be interesting.

i'm also beginning addiction therapy w/ my T for food/eating.  even tho i wrote the book (which i mentioned to her) on it, something i said in it came to me and it washed all the shame/guilt, etc right away.  it says that there may be issues that are too much to tackle on one's own, in which case therapy is going to help.  so, taking my own advice, i've decided to quit doing this all on my own now, and i asked for help.  i've tried OA in the past, have gone to workshops, groups, read books, but i'm discovering there's an awful lot of trauma behind all this.  on to another adventure!

You are so brave to tackle this all...the NN and the eating. Your T is absolutely right. We can know it all but still need someone else to help us through it. Good luck San.  :grouphug:

And I love reading your NNs.  :hug:

Quoteit says that there may be issues that are too much to tackle on one's own, in which case therapy is going to help.  so, taking my own advice, i've decided to quit doing this all on my own now, and i asked for help.

Good for you! 

When I picture little San pouting I delight in her. It also brings my heart joy to think of little San dressed in pink and being loved and adored.  :grouphug:

this NN is so beautiful and such a joy to read. It's such a great idea. Hugs to you and to new little san!

thanks, armee, for all your support. :hug:

thanks, kizzie.  i had to go thru a lot of shame to get there cuz of my book. :hug:

notalone, i loved your description!  i remember one special dress i had, wore it to some big event, and altho it wasn't pink, the fabric was shiny and i felt very special wearing it.  but getting my princess moment in the NN is so wonderful - the best! thank you! :hug:

CF, thanks.  we will take those hugs and appreciate them. :hug:

i felt the urge to move on w/ my NN last nite, but it hasn't taken on full flight yet.  still, i can clearly see the image of me whirling around above my dad's head, giggling.  it's such a wonderful feeling - i don't know that i ever giggled w/ my folks.  it's such a delight to be able to do it now, tho.

in session on fri., we continued working on my eating issues.  one memory i brought up was eating late at nite to try to stay up late enough so my ex would finally be ready to come to bed w/ me.  (he was on a mission every nite that didn't include me so i rarely got what i so longed for).  anyway, bringing that up brought up a host of crapola once again, including the hate.  hate for what he did to me, to my D's, and just plain out hate aimed at him. 

he's the first person i've ever hated in my life, and even tho it had not ever been in my repertoire, i sure recognize it when i feel it now.  everything about him and how i feel toward him is so ugly, nasty, disgusting . . . and i'm getting roiled up in my gut just talking about it now.  at the end of our session, my T told me she was going to take her manure truck and shovel all of that into it so i didn't have to carry it around.  it was a good feeling.

so, it was difficult to actually work on eating issues cuz he got in the way - again! while i don't pray for his death, if it happens i know it will free me, at least from a huge part of what my brain/mind holds.  it's truly amazing how one person can hijack my mind over and over.  i would never have believed this before having the experience, living it.  ugh!  i hate this so much!!!

It makes sense to me, that he got in the way of dealing with the eating issues. Because he IS the eating issues.

Big hugs to you, San. It was yucky what he did, who he was. How he treated you. I know some people think hatred is like poison to yourself but some people...well hate is just appropriate especially when you need to protect yourself from them. In this case, you still do need that hate to keep you protected perhaps? I didn't hate my dad because he was gone. I didn't need it. I did hate my mom because she was there and I needed that to protect me.

Hate is OK, in my book. Then again I'm not the most evolved... :Idunno:

I am absolutely grinning thinking of you swinging above your dad's head giggling. I can almost hear it. It is a beautiful sound that makes my heart smile.

does evolution really have anything to do w/ hate?  i appreciate your acceptance of this nasty emotion that's appeared in me.  thank you so for that. :hug:

Quote from: sanmagic7 on October 16, 2022, 02:53:46 PM
so, it was difficult to actually work on eating issues cuz he got in the way - again!

Quote from: Armee on October 16, 2022, 04:37:39 PM
It makes sense to me, that he got in the way of dealing with the eating issues. Because he IS the eating issues.

:yeahthat:

I see him as more of one of the roots of the eating issue, not just a road block. You are dealing with the eating by shoveling that hate into you T's manure truck.

I am thinking of you as navigate this feeling which is hate.  It seems natural that as we love we would hate too.  I hope that what you find along the way is helpful in the long run.  This has also got me thinking about hate - I am curious to reflect on it in my life as I had a strong reaction to that word.

Dear SanMagic,
Sending you a supportive hug, if that's ok.  :hug:
Hope  :)

thanks notalone for the support.  he is really part of the eating issue - there's so much more that i'm finally looking into piece by piece.  :hug:

hey, rainy, i know a lot of us have been thoroughly taught from the time we're very young that to hate is very, very bad - parents, teachers, churches.  little kids aren't sophisticated enough to have a wide range of emotions/feeling, so love and hate become standard go-to's.  i love you cuz you gave me something i wanted, i hate you for being mean to me, etc.  maybe there's a piece of little kid who's showing her face here.  don't know, but something to look into.  thank you. :hug:

thanks for the hug, hope.  always welcome! :hug:

today in session i just talked a lot - still at the 3-yr. old stage.  this one's taking longer to move thru for some reason.  not sure - it may be because i'm doing some editing, so i've got to keep my head in that game for now.  but i did work on some food stuff.  so much of it is from my childhood - clean your plate, poor kids would give anything for the food you have, eat what your mother made you, etc.  good eastern european peasant stock, so lots of heavy foods, and lots of sugar.  canned corn or peas made up most of our veggie offerings, and not much on the fruit front, either.

but the words from my folks and other relatives was always to eat more.  some would get offended or hurt if a second helping was offered and refused.  always heavy desserts at family gatherings/holidays.  eat eat eat . . . i heard it all the time.  so, i basically learned to eat for others, out of guilt, shame, or manipulation.  can't hurt someone else's feelings, think of what they went thru to put this food on the table, all the effort . . . :fallingbricks:

basically buried under messages to eat for the wrong reasons - not to eat when i'm hungry and stop when i'm full, but eat cuz it causes some kind of feel-good in someone else.  later in life, i'd go out drinking on an empty stomach, never ate when i drank (didn't want to harsh that buzz!) but when i was through w/ the alcohol, i could wolf thru several burgers and sides.  donuts for lunch at the salons where i worked cuz we didn't have time for regular lunch.  nothing about my body's messages were taken into account.

then came using food either to fall asleep or to stay up longer.  my ex was in that latter category - i was trying to stay up late enough so we could go to sleep together, but as i said, he had his own mission, so i stuffed myself for nothing.  or, being sick in mexico, having a hard time getting enough sleep, i'd eat late morning in order to settle myself down enough to nap for a few hours.  too many years and too many examples of eating for reasons outside of what my body actually wanted and needed.

it even got to the point, again in mex., when i'd get stress flu and my hub and i ordered pizza and ice cream, scarfed them down as fast as possible.  the weird thing was, it always made me physically and mentally feel better.  don't know if it was the carbs and fat my brain was needing, but it did the trick.  so, i've used food/eating for medicinal purposes as well.

trying to come down from all that is disheartening if i look at the whole picture.  small pieces.  today i did flash technique on the idea of eating for the wrong reasons.  no big image reveals, but words took shape, such as it's ok to eat when i want to, it's ok to not eat for others, i can live ok on less food.  i know this is all true, cuz at one time or another i've actually eaten like this, and was at a healthy weight eating healthy amounts of food.  all the trauma that's being discovered and the resulting stress/tension i'm carrying has knocked that for a loop for quite a few years, but i'm hoping to get going on a healthier track.

i do have to lose weight cuz of the stress on my knees walking up and down stairs to our 3rd floor apt.  i can't afford to put any more on, so this is a health issue rather than an aesthetic issue.  i don't mind being overweight, but i've got to get it to a healthier place.  the bees' knees are important, too.

That last phrase made me smile. Tucking it away to inspire me.

That is a lot of trauma and messed up messages around food and it's purpose. Perhaps being very consciously aware of those messages will help...Like when I know my triggers it helps me not be so impacted by them because I know where they came from and it's not the present moment.

Best luck to you, San. Weighti loss is not easy but at least you have past proof you can do it.

I hope you can keep processing through your new narrative. I can imagine as life grows more complex it would take more time to get through. But its such a beautiful and positive exercise I hope you can keep going through it!  :hug:

hey, armee, i absolutely intend to continue w/ my NN.  when the urge comes, i'll be there w/ bells on.  thanks for the encouragement for both this and my food/eating issues.  as usual, when i began listing them to my T there was a lot more to contend w/ than i first thought.  the list i wrote here is incomplete, but just a sample.  it's a lot to wade thru, but one step at a time!  i'm already feeling the effects in little ways, am not so panicky about it, so i know it's beginning.  thanks for being w/ me, my friend. :hug:

i felt the urge to travel farther into my childhood yesterday, but as i was doing so, moving from 3 to 4 yrs. old, a song from 'flight of the conchords' came to mind, the one that goes  --  hey 'other 'ucker stop 'uckin' with my sh''  it kept repeating in my head until i finally realized that's what i'm working to get rid of - all the ways people messed w/ me, my being, and my spirit.  so, i got stuck - couldn't really move all the way to 4 yrs. old.

one thing i realized, tho, was that i needed to include my little sister in this, that she needed parents more suited to her as an individual.  she became the family bully as she got older, and i believe she, too, was NPD (classic signs, behaviors, victim stance, etc. so i don't know that different  parenting might have stopped that kind of thing, but  . . . .)  at any rate, by this time she was going on 2, and i could see my dad come home after work, he'd swing me around, give me a kiss and hug, call me his princess, then go to the high chair where she was sitting and kiss her on top of the head, smiling cuz he was so happy to have this family.

and my mom began reading books to me, letting her immaculate housekeeping go, and they would take me to the library every week and let me pick out books i wanted to hear.  it occurred to me that when i was young i would dissolve myself into books - i did go to the library a lot when i was younger, billy the bookworm and all - because they provided an escape from the tension i felt in the house, the stress of being perfect.  they were an escape as much as they were anything else.  i could escape my family situation, and would be so enmeshed w/ what i was reading that i often didn't hear anyone call my name till after the 3rd or 4th time.  alice in wonderland was my favorite.

so, i'm still somewhere between 3 and 4, and there may be more to put into place before i can move on.  so far, tho, so good.  it's surprising me how many little details this needs before i can leave one year or stage behind and go to the next. 

I appreciate that a Flight of the Conchords sang rang true during your exploration.  I also appreciate you notice something is suggesting you stay where you are and explore a bit more.

thanks for your support, rainy.

gotta take some time off - i'm in the middle of a stress flu, so i decided to go join others on the healing porch.  the warm fire, the lapping waves, the smell of salt water, the cool sand, bermuda's s'mores, and blankets wrapped around me and anyone who wants one.  it relaxes me just to write about it.  anyone's welcome to join.

Sending big old hugs during your time off with stress flu. Nurture yourself well.  :bighug: :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

thanks for all those hugs, armee.  loved them!  :hug:

tentatively feeling better, but not sure of my energy levels yet.  just wanted to pop in, say hi, and i'm on the mend.  that feels good.

So glad to hear. Keep resting and loving on yourself

I hope you continue to feel better.  :hug:

tired today, but better.  thanks for the support, rainy and armee. 

happily, the shots didn't hit me as hard as they have in the past.  i've been able to do a little work on myself - i've been able to get to 4 yrs. old, comfortable in the idea of being a happy, cute, mischievous, curious little girl.  emphasis on girl.  i've seen pics of me when i was around 5 or 6, and i was adorable.

one thing that held me up w/ getting past 3 yrs. old was grieving.  a couple nites ago, a family show triggered me - the family rallied around on of the kids, supportive and accepting.  and i began sobbing, seeing what i had missed out on.  it also struck me that this grief was part of why i'd felt stuck at the age of 3, 3 1/2 - i can't just rewrite this narrative w/o acknowledging why the NN is so different from the reality.  i do believe that by the time i was 4 i was already nervous and anxious.  i see now i can't just hop, skip, and jump thru this w/o the work to turn the reality into something different in my mind.

i also did something yesterday that i haven't done in an awfully long time - i applied for a job!  part-time, editing papers, manuals, whatever that have been translated by someone from a foreign country.  the job would entail making sure the translations are correct.  i've done this before, in mexico, and i do love this kind of work.  what a stitch!  never too old to start something new.

Wow! San! A new type of job! That's amazing. No you are never too old...you have 3/4 century of experience to build on with any new endeavor.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling better and making space in your NN process to grieve that things weren't right. I bet you were an adorable and beautiful little girl. A true princess.

:bighug:

armee, you're so sweet!  thanks for that.  a few years ago when i asked a man if he thought i was feminine, he said, 'well, you're no princess.'  weird how that happens.  but it's probably because i don't dress 'girly', really never have, except for one dress in my 20's.  that was lacy and cream-colored and i just fell in love w/ it.  i guess it was my princess dress.  my sister asked if she could wear it for her wedding - i never got it back.  so, it's just good to feel that little girl me felt like a princess (in my NN).  with that i could've been more comfortable with my femininity after i left home.  still, i'm ok w/ me right now, and i guess that's what counts.  :hug:

a new feeling came to me this morning while thinking about my NN, how comfy i am with being 4 yrs. old now (in my mind), and it's pretty stable.  i went thru a list of child psychological development stages and am working to coincide in my mind where 'normalcy' ranges.  it's been interesting.

Stage 1: Trust vs. Mistrust (Infancy from birth to 18 months)
Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Toddler years from 18 months to three years)
Stage 3: Initiative vs. Guilt (Preschool years from three to five)

this is helping me see where things got messed up (right from the beginning, in my case), and what issues i need to make sure are in place before i venture further.  stages 1 & 2 are sound and strong now, stage 3 i'm in the middle of.  as i was thinking of all this laying in bed this morning, one word came to mind - freedom.  i could see how in the NN i could now trust my parents, that they'd have my back, and how i could roam and explore, ask questions (oooh, that had been missing until i wrote it), get answers, and have no doubt (i was riddled w/ it) that i'd be accepted the way i was.

so, freedom came to mind, freedom to be the inquisitive, exploratory, curious (i learned to get nearly all my answers from books) w/o fear of being ignored, denied, or put down in any way. no shame in being me, no doubting my parents would help me.  it was a wonderful feeling (still is as i write about it), and allows that ever-shining spirit of mine to soar.  wow - i'm understanding more fully about the repression i was attempting to grow under.  painful, actually. 

so i'm in the middle of stage 3, and i just looked up some references to 'initiative'.  basically, it's about meeting and overcoming challenges, forming one's own personhood, standing up for yourself.  aha!  standing up for myself!  knowing who i am as a person.  well, that explains a lot.  i haven't known who i am as a person nearly my entire life - only began to know me in a concrete way in the past 3 yrs.  i've always had the feeling i was 'unformed' for most of my life, hence the floaty feeling i had for many years, the lack of sense of self, how i presented me to the world.  i just floated from one situation to the next w/o a rudder.

ack! gotta talk to my T about this.  talk about arrested development! (i loved that show, too).  i was a child of the wind, nothing solid to hang onto.  i just got a sunken feeling in my chest, as if it is now concave.  and my shoulders are forward.  this has been a posture of mine since before i can remember, and my dad would mock me for it.  now i know where it came from.

Gentle hugs, San.  Wow, this is... just brilliant. You've done so much deep thought on this. I feel like I want to do a narrative now. This is so helpful to see what was happening or supposed to happen when. Thank you for sharing all this.

 :yeahthat:

Explains a lot for me too. Autonomy still not permitted by FOO, autonomy in my case leads to exclusion.
  :bighug: :bighug: san you're going through a lot. You're making big strides too. Having stages 1 and 2 strong and stable is great, good job!  :applause:

btw I really like the title of your journal: looking for relief. Everytime I see it I think: "Aren't we all?" But you were wise enough to know that's what you're looking for at this stage.

CF, thanks for all that validation and support.  this has caused so much progress for me, more than i could've hoped for.  if you find it helpful, i hope you can find your way to doing something similar for yourself.  it's answering a lot of questions, clearing up a lot of murky water. :hug:

blueberry, yeah, your situation is still tough, and understandable why autonomy is a struggle for you.  and thank you for all the support, those lovely big hugs bringing me in, and your validation, along w/ your kind words.  :hug:

another topic i'd begun working on was food/eating issues.  when i mentioned that to my T yesterday, it suddenly struck me that so much of the food thing is wrapped up w/ the unformed me - too many 'clean your plate' or 'starving children in china' or 'don't waste food' (akin to sinful) messages.  there was no leeway given for individual portion size, tummy size, or dislike of the food presented. 

i realized that by this time in my NN, i would be able to say 'no more' when i was full, and it would've been accepted by my folks w/o guilt or coercion.  that's a powerful message for me, and altho it won't happen overnite, i can see how this new way of thinking about myself will make a difference.  yesterday i was more mindful in my eating, and it felt ok as well as helpful.

so, in my mind, i am happily on my way to being 5 yrs. old, enjoying myself as me, full emotions (what a concept!) that are accepted and addressed in a thoughtful, caring way.  i'm also getting lots of hugs by these different parents, something that made a huge impact on my life as an adult.  for a long time i didn't realize i was touch deprived.  i know that in the bars i often flung an arm around friends, and was always a hugger.  many times i traded my body for touch.

icky L (the bad therapist) once told me that my hugging, arm flinging gestures were a means to continue giving others what they wanted.  on the contrary, it was to give to myself something i needed.  touch of any kind by any means was sought after wherever i went.  i remember going to bars w/ girlfriends and feeling bereft (i can now name that - at the time i just felt overly distressed) if no guy asked me to dance.  it was more than disappointed - it was feeling the lack of something i sorely needed.

so, things are being sorted out as i continue w/ this narrative.  when i look into my mind's eye, i can see my cute little self being goofy and funny and silly w/ no recriminations.  i can see my posture as good.  i mentioned the concave feeling i got while writing about this yesterday during session, and how it must've already begun (my hunched-over posture) while i was that young.  as we sorted thru all this, the concave feeling left and it's still gone.  my back is already bent from this posture, but i can feel my shoulders be able to relax more often than usual, so that's good.

it's weird to see that little girl being so free, so curious, so exploratory w/o fear of incrimination, denial (except for family and household boundaries) or denouncement (just came up w/ that word - it was going to be dismissal).  denouncement - that's pretty heavy.  (just looked it up, it means to condemn openly as being wrong).  no wonder my shoulders started moving forward - that's too much weight for a 4-yr. old to be bearing.

tired now.

So much processing, I hope it continues to be meaningful.  I am resonating with the food comment - it is such another way we are taught to ignore what our bodies are telling us. 

Truly inspiring work you are doing, San. Transformative. I'm inspired that you can rewrite the narrative in a way that gives witness to the truth  while reparenting yourself. It doesn't sweep things under the rug, it looks them full in the eye and redoes it. It is full frontal truth  :grouphug:

Strong stuff there.  I totally feel you on that food issue, so I hope the NN helps that. Here with gentle hugs if you want them, and for new little you too.   :hug:

rainy, armee, CF, thank you all. :hug: :hug: :hug:

i've been down and out for nearly a week, and now my eye is bothering me again, thinking i need to go back to the eye doc, lots of pain, got a homemade patch over it )yarrrgh, me hearties!) .  ugh, stress!!!

Thinking of you and sending love.  I'm a mess and have no words, but I have that  :hug: :bighug:

 :hug:

Sitting with you San. Pain Sucks. Love to you beautiful princess queen.  :grouphug:

I hope you get to the bottom of the pain.

wishing you healing and the easing of pain, san. Gentle hugs if you want them.

bach, truly wonderful.  thank you so for that, even while you're a mess. :hug:

thanks, armee.  you brought a smile to my heart!  :hug:

thank you, rainy.  i saw the doc yesterday, and she did put a name on what was wrong, but i can't remember it.  still, it's a real thing w/ my eye, and i'm on medicine drops 4x/day for a week, and have to use fake tear drops 2x/day for the rest of my life.  it's some weird condition where the cells don't form right over the cornea after an injury (i stuck a finger in my eye by mistake a few years ago, and the cells decided not to heal correctly.  sucks.)  still, at least i know now what's going on, and what i can do to help. :hug:

always in the mood for hugs, CF.  thank you.  the pain has eased, thank goodness, and the healing is in process. :hug:

i've been in a lot of pain for a lot of my life, but this eye thing was a whole different animal.  yesterday i truly felt like i was going insane.  it was one of the worst feelings i've ever had - i could feel my sanity slipping.  don't know why it hit me like that this time, but it's still scary to think about it.  at any rate, i have some relief today - the doc said it would take a few days to heal and i've got antibiotics to put in for a week, plus fake tears to add for my lifetime. 

unfortunately, yesterday took a whole lot out of me.  i wanted to work more on my NN before i talk w/ my T tomorrow, see if i can get thru the next stage to 5 yrs. old.  we'll see today.  i don't have far to go and i have a specific image of when i'm 5 that i need to redirect/recreate.  plus, i began school just before i was 5, and school's going to bring in a whole lot of issues that i don't dare think of right now.  they kinda whooshed thru my head too fast to stick, which is a good thing.

anyway, i just re-looked at the development stages and saw a description i hadn't seen before.  in this table, it shows the outcome if the stage is completed correctly.  the first, trust vs mistrust centers around feeding, and the outcome is hope.  that struck a chord w/ me as hope is something i have little to no experience w/, not in a visceral sense.  i can say things like 'i hope it doesn't rain', stuff like that, but feeling hope, nope.  instead of hope i had faith in myself. 

i've had that sor a long time - whatever happens, i have faith i'll deal with it.  but an unswerving hope for the future of anything was beyond my grasp. i was quite involved in church for quite a few years, served on council, taught sunday school, helped run pageants, sang in the choir, but i never got a sense of hope from any of that, either. (i know religion provides hope for many, i just never got it).  i don't feel hope to this day.  as far as feeding goes, i know my mom had to stop nursing me after a few weeks, and i also know i was a picky eater.

it makes sense, tho, that feeding/being fed, knowing that basic need will be met could garner hope.  i don't know what happened there at that time in my life, and maybe it came afterward where 'hope' was crashed w/in me, but i can't remember a time when i felt hope.

this table also gave me more insight into the second stage, that of autonomy vs. shame and doubt.  it's centered around toilet training, and produces 'will'.  i looked that up, and it was interesting to me.  deliberately choosing a direction or course of action.  just writing this brought tears to my eyes.  i don't think i was allowed freedom of choice.  i certainly floated thru a lot of my life, leaving myself open to where the winds of life took me.  my choices were probably nixed, and the choices of my parents put in their place. 

since i was raised to have no will of my own, the idea of shame and doubt probably played a big part in my life, to the extent that confusion reigned supreme for me.  i'm feeling sick to my stomach right now, think of that bright, vivacious little girl who was not allowed to be who she was, so it makes sense to me that i always wondered what to do or say.  i desperately wanted friends but rarely had any - i didn't do well socially.

too depressing.  gotta go now.

Wow those things make so much sense, about hope being tied to having your most basic need met when you are dependent on someone else. And especially the part about shame and will and how that floaty feeling with no anchor you've felt so much how that relates to that stage of life when you were shamed. Now that vivacious girl gets to break free and be herself. Too bad it's 75 years in but she gets to run free and beautiful now.

That pain sounds unreal and soul crushing. I will be reading - hopefully, full of hope that is - that the antibiotics help reduce the pain quickly. It is a relief to know the pain has a biological cause and a name and is real and recognized by your doctor and hopefully an effective treatment to prevent the worst pain.

Wrapping you up in a gentle hug to keep the pressure on your eye low.  :hug:

armee, thank you for your unwavering kindness.  so appreciated. :hug:

i've been able to work thru my life now till about 5 or so, getting thru a traumatic incident at the age of 4-5 - initiative vs. guilt.  the major task here is exploration w/ the desired outcome being having a sense of purpose.  this morning i worked on this incident in greater depth, but i'm too unsettled right now to write about it.  in short, i realized my mother was incapable of nurturing me and had to make a substitute for her cuz i couldn't get an image of her doing anything close to what i needed.

one important realization was that i actually felt fear - this may have been the only time in my life (until a few years ago) that i can consciously acknowledge that feeling.

ok, too sad.  more later.

San, I appreciate you sharing about your exploration here.  I have a lot of images coming to mind of realizing a parent isn't nurturing in the way we need.  I hope you find ways to care for yourself as you unravel all of this.

 :hug:

thanks for your continuing support, rainy.  one of the ways i'm self-caring is re-writing, the past in my mind.  it feels so good to get over these humps and move ahead, having been nurtured mentally and emotionally now.  it really feels good. :hug:

and a  :hug: back atcha, armee.  thanks for being here.

just letting this new part of my NN settle in.  the traumatic incident involved school and milk money.  i was probably barely 5 when i was sent home cuz i didn't have my milk money.  i lived about a block and a half away from school.  gamely, i walked home, went to the back door (i can still picture this as if it happened last week), turned the handle but the door was locked, so i knocked.  getting no response, i knocked harder.  i can see my little fist knuckling that big wooden door, my face drowning in tears, and feeling so very frightened.  it felt like life and death - i was going to die out there in the cold alone (maybe that's why the story of 'the little match girl' hit me so hard a few years later!  never put that together before).  i needed help and there was no one around to help me!

finally, my M opened the door, saw me sobbing outside, and said something about vacuuming so she didn't hear me.  after that my image blurred out, but i don't doubt i was given my milk money and sent back to school on my own.

wow, this is making me sick to my stomach writing it.  i've come to realize my M was an obsessive cleaner (we could eat off the floors, but that's not exactly nurturing).  anyway, in my mind i tried to have her be the kind of mom i needed at that moment, but got totally stuck.  couldn't picture it at all.  frustrating and unsettling.  finally i realized that my mother was incapable of being nurturing, having never been nurtured herself (strict catholic school, her M was a drunk, her F depressed, physical, emotional, mental abuse, etc.) so i had to pick a surrogate mom for this picture.  it was either going to be a faceless woman or the essence of me.

i struggled to find a perspective which would work, and decided to go w/ a perspective that focused on my needs at that time.  i would've needed to be swept into my mother's arms, telling me how sorry she was for not hearing me, telling me sweet nothings, that everything was going to be ok, bringing me into the house, sitting w/ me on her lap, sweet words over and over until i was able to settle down.  and then, she would've told me i didn't have to go back to school that day, that she'd bundle up the baby, take me to school the next day and explain to the teacher what had happened.  she would deal w/ the authority figure instead of making me face that teacher alone when i returned.

so, in reviewing this little piece of my life, the feeling of fear makes an appearance.  i don't know that i'd ever felt fear like that again in my life until a few years ago.  to me, this incident shows how i was made to stand up on my own w/o comfort, w/o the idea that my M had my back, w/o apology or acknowledgement of my pain, fear, panic.  one little incident wrote so much in my book of life and set me on a path of bleakness when it came to any kind of support or safety.

so, the task at this stage is exploration.  well, i explored how my M would react when i was in crisis, and it exploded in my hands.  the outcome was to be purpose.  i think my purpose came to be taking care of myself (not necessarily self-care - 2 different animals), using my little girl mind to figure out how to navigate the world full of adults, adult situations, adult reactions.  and so another nail was set into the coffin holding my deadened emotions and feelings.

when i told my D this story, and it came to the part where my mom opened the door to see me sobbing and distraught, my D immediately put out her arms as if to draw that little girl in, like the big hug emoticon we have here.  it was immediate, instinctive, and showed me this had indeed been traumatic.  thank the stars for my D - she's validated so much for me.

Gentle hugs if you want them, san. I can see from your description how scary that must have been for so little a child. I'm also impressed with how you describe the NN, knowing exactly what you needed from a "good mom". And the fact that your D's instincts were to hold you... That's wonderful.  :grouphug:

You are rolling back time and wrapping that scared maybe ashamed little girl up in a hug and telling her what she needed to hear and giving her the physical sensations of safety and acceptance and love she needed. That's pretty neat that your daughter too also stepped in and wrapped you up with a big hug. This is really good work you are doing San. Perhaps another book when you are done... :grouphug:

Big bear hug at the door for that little girl and for the 75 year old princess who still needs and deserves love and acceptance, like all humans do.

CF, thanks so much for all your support as i go thru this.  you're wonderful. :hug:

hey, armee, you brought tears to my eyes.  thank you so.  :hug:

got back from a huge spa day, motel, eating different foods than normal, traveling, all kinds of body detoxing and manipulating, so i'm pretty stressed.  just kickin' back for now.

I hope that you find your balance after a big day out.

thanks, rainy.  it's slow but sure. :hug:

it's something i have to keep in mind - the diet i rely on at home is quite simplistic, simplistic ingredients and preparations.  just 2 days of change really wracked my body and brain in a lot of different ways.  i hope i can remember this in times to come. 

i've still been sitting pretty comfortably w/ little 5-yr. old me being cuddled and coddled after her traumatic incident at the back door.  possibly later today or tomorrow i'll tackle another memory that came close upon this one - actually there are 2 of them.  one led me to making up stories to soothe my mind, ego, perspective, whatever was needed (and which i used most of my life after that) and one was again tied to my being a girl and being proud of it.

speaking of which, when i was on the massage table, a thought floated thru my mind - i don't have to be ashamed of my breasts.  it was a revelation to me, cuz i know i have been ever since they started sprouting.  i've never been comfortable being a girl altho i never wanted to be a boy.  how different my life might have been w/ just this bit put into place properly.  i believe this goes along w/ formation of self, which has been missing most of my life.

Sanmagic,
this sounds like a very positive realisation to make and I hope it will give you some relief.
I feel pretty much the same way. It always makes me a little uncomfortable when I have to fill out a form and say that I'm "female" when I don't really feel that way a 100%. I don't really mind that I'm being regarded as a woman by others but such a huge part of me feels genderless and sometimes I do struggle with the appearance of my body, as well.
I don't know, these feelings are very difficult to describe but I feel that these gender issues have somehow added to all my trauma. It's hard to accept yourself and find your own way when you don't fully understand who you are.
So, I just want to say that I understand how difficult it is to be in a body that doesn't quite feel right and I hope that you can find a way to overcome all this shame you are experiencing with regards to your breasts.
A lot of things may seem confusing right now and I can't promise it will ever go away, but if you want to talk about this at any time, I am here for you.

Take care and be gentle to yourself  :hug:

thanks for your thoughtful reply, M and H.  i don't really have the problem about knowing my gender, just that i wasn't taught to be proud of it, proud of those parts of me that showed the world i was a girl, and being comfortable w/ them.    :hug:

to this topic, too, i had too many experiences where i was called by a boy's nickname, treated like a boy in some instances (like it's weak to cry or be emotional, a message too many boys get from the time they're young).  it was confusing, cuz i knew who i was in that sense but was shamed in some ways for it.  it's like my dad wanted me to be tough like a boy (he grew up on the streets) which negated me as being a girl.  at any rate, i'm reworking this scenario as i continue to rewrite my NN.  it's a bit disturbing, tho.  and distressing.

San,

That last paragraph in your post is so inspiring. Whenever I speak openly with people of trauma, sexual identity issues almost always come up. For you to realize that you don't need to be ashamed of having a woman's body actually speaks loudly to me. I have always been ashamed of being male. Like you, it didn't mean I wanted to be female, but it did put a LOT of lifelong stress on me, beginning at puberty and never really ending. Not only genital stuff, but muscular stuff and hair. I remember being absolutely terrified to deal with my newly growing mustache. I was almost sixteen when my body and voice changed. (Late puberty) I was absolutely ashamed of every single change. UP until only a few years ago now, I've had constant recurring nightmares that I'm the only person who is walking around naked in public. I mean, nearly every night for nearly 60 years. It all recently ended. But sexual identity is identity and I have never been free to be proud of who I am on any level.

My knees were weak, and mouth was dry when, at fifteen, I asked my dad to teach me how to shave. Dad refused to teach me. I had to wait until I was sixteen, with a job and a car, so I could sneak out, buy my own razor and teach myself how to shave. At sixteen I got a job. First major purchase of my life was a car (and a razor). Second one was a weight bench and weights so I could try to build muscles so I wouldn't look so pathetic without a shirt on. So far, I've never fully recovered from the shame of becoming a boy in a man's body.

You are doing really good work with your inner child. I am inspired to do what you're doing. It's no fun being ashamed of my gender. It makes no sense. Almost exactly one half of all humans are male...why should I be so ashamed of being one myself?  (Answer: My mother hated men. So did my Narcissister. They hated women too, but they hated men more. From birth to my estrangement 50 years later, they routinely emasculated me every chance they got). I think it is cruel and easy to destroy a child while they're in puberty. Those monsters sure did a number on me.

You've given me a bit of hope that if I do like you're doing, maybe I can start to release some of THEIR stress that I'VE owned for 60 years now. Keep up the good work. I'm truly impressed and I'm planning to take it on for myself too.

What San is doing here seems to be the very template for recovery. I'm amazed you've found a way to reparent and resolve the traumas, redevelop a narrative that is true to yourself and what you needed without papering over the harm that was done. It's remarkable many times over.

And I'm grateful to both of you for bringing up gender discomfort. I feel the same way. Born a woman, feel like a woman, feel both deeply uncomfortable with being a woman and feel like not enough of a woman too, like too manly. I've had dreams where I am a gay man with hairy legs who is having his legs amputated without pain medicine and in my dream I deserve it because my legs are hairy but in my dream even though I'm this poor man I am also my female self. I used to bind my breasts because I hated them, even though I identify as female and am female. I wouldn't bring these things up in therapy because I'm so sure someone who isn't in it would not get it and would instead try to interpret it as a gender identify or sexuality issue, which it isn't really. Don't feel like dealing with that wild goose chase.

San,

I'm so sorry all these things happened to you. That you were not celebrated exactly as you are. And that you never got to really feel your feminity even though you were used through it. Love and hugs, right here, as long and often as you need as you work through the distressing and sad bits.

San.

Your words, "let me be weak" to the universe send chills down my spine. Absolutely beautiful. And so, so, so telling. We Trauma survivors put too much on ourselves. To realize that and to ask for permission to be weak...chills again.

Hug, hug, hug!!!!
:bighug:

hey, PC, i've always found it so awful that we carry around the feelings/emotions within ourselves that truly belong to others.  i sure do hope you can lose at least some of that stress that isn't yours.  and, yeah, the idea of being weak, just wanting to be cared for, comforted when i'm feeling down instead of having to pull myself up and do it, is something i'm wanting more and more as this goes on.  i'm getting too old for this crapola! :hug:

armee, as always, you're so thoughtful and kind.  you and PC got it about the gender thing.  weird - like it's a sub-category, but also not weird seeing as how we were raised.  i, too, have often thought i have more than the usual amount of testosterone!  who knows, who cares anymore, except it's still in my mind so needs to be dealt w/.  by the by, my T also used the word 'template' for what i'm doing, how i'm doing it.  :hug:

along w/ my body trying to right itself after my spa day (i've been in a lot of pain cuz everything was manipulated and nothing is used to trying to get rid of the inflammation which was moved around), i've re-visited the last scenario i went thru in my NN - and i've found that it really hasn't landed.  thinking about it last nite, i think it's because i tried to use a surrogate or myself in the position of my M, but it's not working like the scenarios before it.

when i first began this scene, i remember thinking i could not imagine my mother doing what i needed in that moment, so i switched it to include some nameless/faceless woman who would be nurturing to me in that moment.  i thought it would be good enough to proceed to the next incident, but i haven't been able to move on.  finally it hit me, i need to force this to be my M.  no one else will do.

i just took a moment and was able to picture her (i remember a photo of her in the 50's) and it all fell into place.  i could see her holding out her arms to bring me in from outside, apologizing to me, holding me close as she brought me into the house.  she's sitting w/ me, soothing words, holding me on her lap, all kinds of closeness and warmth, calming me down until a few last sniffles and a nose blow.

then she asked me what happened, apologized again for not being able to hear me (my T and i have discovered this was another part of her cleaning obsession) while i stood outside the door, and told me i didn't have to go back to school, i could stay home w/ her and my little sister, and she would pack my sis up in the morning and take me to school w/ the lunch money, would talk to the teacher for me (instead of sending me back to school on my own to deal w/ the authority figure), vouch for my absence the rest of that day, and i was able to join my classmates w/ a smile on my face.

the smile, in my mind, was for the knowing that my mom had my back, i could count on her to be there for me in ways i needed, and she would carry the adult weight of any situation i might find myself in.  it's a good feeling, solid and whole.  it speaks to both level 2 (autonomy vs shame and doubt) and level 3 (initiative vs guilt).  i have no doubt shame and guilt were running thru my system like wildfires.  i can already see how i'd have to push both those neg. energies down becuz i had to carry on, do what was expected of me.  no time for feelings.

this one feels very heavy.  but also very right.  it sheds light on how fending for myself continually negated emotions/feelings.  standing at the door, scared for my life, was the last time i remember feeling fear, giving into the feeling, just being w/ it.  that incident helped teach me to cover it all up so it wouldn't appear to me anymore.  and, as i said, i didn't have time to feel shame or guilt - i was too busy in my little girl's mind figuring out what i needed to do to eliminate these types of incidents.  yeah, that's a heavy thought.

Sending love and warmth to you San....75 and 5/6 year old you.  :bighug:

I have a bit more time and space today and San, I hope this physical pain goes away soon for you.

It is very interesting to me that just coming up with an imagined mom for that scenario did not work. If it did I would think it would be too easy to paper over all the other negatives too, and would not be any more useful to healing that burying it back under the rugs it lived under before. RugS instead of rug because too much for any one rug.

This is why what you are doing is so novel and promising looking to me is because you are finding a way to face it head on and heal it step by step age and incident by age amd incident. Other approaches like this seem not much different than just pretending it all didn't happen.

You are saying "no. This did happen. It was not right for the following reasons. This is what I needed instead developmentally and emotionally and this is how I should have been treated instead. And then you imagine it and I bet you somehow install it in your brain just like the final steps of emdr.

you know, armee, i think you may be right about the installation part.  as much as i wanted the surrogate mom to be enough, it just wasn't, and i couldn't be comfortable in my mind like that.  when i was able to put my mom's face on the nurturing figure, it kind of evolved into it actually being her.  she was what i needed, not someone else.  and, altho i'm dealing w/ this spa aftermath right now, i think i can say, looking at the scenario in the new way (altho a part of me knows she would never have done it like i needed) it's like i'm pushing my mind to believe, to resolve this even tho it couldn't ever be true. 

so, this is the first one of these incidents which have felt a bit unsteady.  right now i'm still sitting w/ it, going over it mentally every so often.  it feels like something else is missing that needs to be included.  i'll find it.  thanks for your thoughts and insights on this.  much appreciated.  :hug:

That sounds like some very powerful imagery. I'm glad you were able to make it what and who you actually needed.  Your strength, even if you find it hard to see, is inspiring to me. Gentle hugs if you want them.

hugs always wanted, CF.  thanks for your encouragement and lovely thoughts. :hug:

i think i found what was missing, or at least a big chunk of it.  the teacher!  that teacher should have never sent me out of the school to walk home w/o notifying my mom, making sure she was even at the house when i got there.  for a nickel, that teacher sent me home by myself when i was still 4, i think (i started school early - we didn't have preschool and 4k back then).  when i grabbed hold of this thought i immediately got so  :pissed: :blowup: on so many levels, even calling her names out loud.  even felt some hate toward her, which felt appropriate.

w/ that, i want to be able to shut the door on this, but i still can't quite get around to that point.  maybe i have to re-live the entire thing again in my mind w/ my mother in place, or maybe i have to put a thoughtful, kind teacher in place (hmmm . . .) so that event never happened.  i'll try that, see what floats to the top.

in the meantime, i've had quite a few pretty bad days.  after the spa day (yeah, i'm still reeling from it) the stress of that much goodness on my body has been extremely difficult to absorb in a helping way.  altho i can now turn my head from shoulder to shoulder, which is wonderful, i've been dealing w/ a lot of pain, especially in my finger and hand where all the inflammation has settled.  hurts like a mutha, and i'm so tired to death of living in pain.

luckily i had therapy yesterday cuz i was at a pretty low, dark place about this.  she helped reduce the pain w/ eye movements, so that's helped, but the stress knocked me down another day.  this keeps getting harder and harder to maintain any semblance of wanting to continue.  i will cuz my D is still around.  i mean, i live w/ pain every day already, but even typing is difficult now.  ugh!  just want to whine about it here - this is not living, but merely surviving.  i exist cuz i refuse not to.  but i'm not enjoying it at all.

San,

I wish so badly to give you a real hug. A protective "I've got you" kind of a hug. I'm furious at your teacher for sending you home so irresponsibly.

I know, all too well, the desire to quit healing and just go back into my hiding place. And, I know this isn't comforting to say, but from the darkest nights, emerge the most beautiful sunrises. My prayers and hopes are with you as you muddle through the darkness of this night.  Like you, I use my wife, children and grandchildren as my motivation to not give up. That's why I used my real nickname on this forum. My eldest grandson named me Papa Coco when he was three, and I stay the course because I love him and the rest of us too much to give up. 

I'm very glad your D is there keeping you motivated. I know how powerful that love is and I'm grateful it's there to keep you going. Dark times don't last forever. It's roller coaster that improves slowly over time. I strive every day for progress, not perfection. If I feel better this year than I did last year, then all my ups and downs were worth it.

I'm thinking about you, sending you all the encouragement and love that I can from here. You're not alone in spirit.

 :hug:

Pain is terrible. Pain that doesn't relent...well it is unbearable. Whine away...It's not really whining...we're here to listen and reaffirm "ugh that sucks!" Wish you could blow up the pain along with the trauma and walk away like one of those bad-*** female super heroes out of the flames, stronger than ever.

Yeah you are 1000% right. That teacher was horribly wrong and cruel and irresponsible. I don't know if ideas are helpful...I thought at first what if little San stands up for herself and tells the teacher how wrong it is to try to send her home over a nickel. But then i thought no! Little San needs someone to stand up for her and protect her. Little San needs first one kid in the class to say "that's wrong!" And then for the whole class to protest and say "that's wrong."  A class of 4 and 5 year old shouldn't have to tell that to an adult but wow just wow dereliction of duty there. Big time. They'd be fired maybe arrested today.

(((((((((Little San))))))))))) They shouldn't have done that to you. You were so little. And your mom should have had your back when that happened.

PC, i appreciate the thought of that hug. thank you so.  unfortunately, what i've struggled w/ for over 30 yrs. is that this year is not better than last year.  ever since i began therapy, every new year i've felt worse.  lots of that was due to that horrible first T i had.  everyone i knew who was going thru recovery felt better, like you, every year.  i haven't experienced that yet. i used to say that to my ex, asking why i felt worse each new year.   at this point, i don't see it happening.  i'm alive, which is a miracle in itself.  i won't harm myself cuz i can't do that to my D.  that's it.  :hug:

armee, once again you brought tears to my eyes w/ that last sentence of yours.  thank you so much for that.  i could feel a little part of me healing cuz of it.  i thought of having little me stand up to the teacher, but already by that time in my life i simply did what i was told.  i needed the adults around me to be looking out for me.  i hadn't been alive long enough to think otherwise.  thank you for your spot-on words. :hug:

i keep imagining shutting the door on this chapter, but it won't stay shut.  frustrating.  i don't know what else i'm missing.  i'll keep looking.  i did add in several 'i love you's' from my mom as she was soothing and calming me.  that feels so foreign, so it's not sticking.  maybe i have to push harder on that.  we'll see.

I appreciate the image of trying to shut a door that won't close.  I hope that the questions you are asking reveal why the door seems to want to stay open.

thanks, rainy.  :hug:

i worked on this is therapy this morning.  it came to me that i needed my parents to be angry at that teacher for me, show me their anger to let me know how anger even works.  (i never saw my folks fight the whole time i lived w/ them except for once - it was an argument about us kids and my dad started packing a bag to leave.  this gave me the idea anger was wrong and resulted in dire consequences.  only once did i ever get angry in a marriage, and that was about the incident that caused me, finally, to leave mex.). 

so, in my mind, hearing my mom express anger toward that teacher, then telling my dad about the incident at dinner that night and hearing him express anger as well made a big difference.  plus, i imagined my mom walking me to school the next day and telling that teacher never to do something like that again becuz of the distress it caused me.  i was able to do emdr flash thru this, which is when it all fell into place.

there was another incident not too long after that involved contracting pinworms from sitting on the floor in kindergarten.  these were relatively common back then, kind of like lice happens from kid's hairbrush to another kid's head, but they were much grosser and caused intense itching at night.  this was back in the days when we girls had to wear dresses, so there wasn't much between our sensitive parts and the floor.  my mom called a doc that night who made a house call (yeah, it was that long ago!)

the problem was that as he was exploring in me to find the problem, i have no idea where my mom was.  i remember lying in bed w/ this man rummaging around 'down there' and i was scared, confused, and having to bear this alone once more.  so, this was another situation around the same time cuz i hadn't been in school for too long yet where i needed my mom for reassurance and to let me know i wasn't going thru this alone.  i flashed thru this in order to get my mom by my side on the bed, holding my hand and telling me it would be over w/ soon and everything would be all right.

interestingly enough, when i was sitting outside for a bit later in the day, i imagined my parents looking down on me, and i thanked them for being w/ me during those 2 incidents, and i did a few eye movements just to lock it in.  it felt healing, like they were there nodding at me.  i'm glad that piece fell in there.  i believe these 2 situations are now finished and i can move on to when i'm 5.  *big sigh*

 :hug:

You always figure it out San. That's exactly what you needed in both those incidents. You are forming an amazing and resilient human as you go through this, San. 

thanks, armee. :hug:

i've let this settle in and it feels solid, so i'll be starting on the next segment of my life,  but i wanted to review the level i just completed, which is level 3 - initiative v guilt.

QuoteWithin the context of Erikson's theory, initiative is "a truly free sense of enterprise, manifested at the societal level in a society's economic structure and endeavour."2

In practice, this looks like the enthusiastic desire to attempt new tasks, join or come up with activities with friends, and use new skills in play. The child begins to learn that they can exert power over themselves and the world.

due to the fact that i was just on the edge of the spectrum, as well as being 'brainwashed' in a sense to do things my parents' way, i spent a lot of time by myself, playing by myself.  i don't remember having the feeling of power over myself.  i was a scared little girl, trying to please all the adults in my life at the same time, and becoming extremely upset and frightened if i failed at that - the milk money incident.

i have that feeling now, thanks to a lot of hard work and my D and T, but the idea of powerlessness runs strong in my mind.  working thru this has pretty much erased that - when i look at little me at that age now, i'm not so scared about the incident as a whole, and i got the nurturing and support i needed so, in my mind, little me can move forward w/ confidence. 

that seems strange to write.  altho i've looked confident most of my adult life, i became very good at not acknowledging or not even having fears about whatever endeavor i took on.  hence, many solo road trips to mexico which people raised their eyebrows at, voicing their own fears for me.  i never took them on and did pretty much whatever i wanted to do.  that began when i moved across the country from my parents' house. 

2 friends had already moved and had asked me to join them.  a new experience, the west coast, living at the edge of the beach, surfers (all this was unicorn land to a midwesterner) and the chance to get out from under the stifling expectations of my folks - yep, i was going to drive 2300 mi. for all that.  my sis didn't want to go, so i was going alone.  the idea never fazed me for a minute.

but it fazed my mom and she begged my sis to go w/ me cuz she was so scared for me to be on the road alone.  it still amazes me how my independent spirit was able to shine once i was out from under their influence - i discovered this when i first went away to college.  my fingernails, which had always been bitten down to the quick were suddenly getting long and strong and beautiful!  i've never bitten my nails since, but it was a discovery to me just how anxious i'd actually been living under their roof. (well, i never bit my nails again, but i discovered a new best friend instead - alcohol)

at any rate, when i look back at the new little me, i'm not frightened and so debilitatingly confused now. i have a creative mind now (wow! that came out of nowhere!  that creativity, or lack thereof, is part of the alexithymia.  it's never been a big part of my mind - like, i never made up stories to tell my girls - didn't have the capacity for that.  the only place i had creativity was as a therapist.  i got very creative when working w/ someone.  whew, but to think of feeling creative when i was 4/5 - nonexistent.  always colored w/in the lines. 

that realization made me feel good right now.

QuoteBy trying things on their own and exploring their own abilities, they can develop ambition and direction

ambition and direction have been missing from my life.  too floaty, go where the wind blew whatever direction that might be.  no ambition to push myself, make informed choices, decision-making was relegated to 'fly by the seat of my pants' impulsivity, for the most part.  this new little me will be able to think things thru, weigh the pros and cons, go w/ informed choices.  maybe not all at once, but she at least now has the seeds planted for doing so as she gets older.

it's a different world looking thru these eyes now.  i'm feeling more secure about myself and my support system (parents) and am feeling the freedom to be me which i don't remember having while i lived w/ my folks.  i can picture me this way now, and she's smiling rather than anxious and confused.  what a difference.

i just looked up the next level, ages 6-11, but i have some 5-yr. old memories to take care of before i can move on.  one includes my mother, one my father.  those need to be settled first.  so, onward.

You are being very creative in the ways that you are caring for little San. Way to go.

I appreciate you sharing about the thoughts coming up.  The word that came to my mind is "expansive." 

notalone, i so appreciate your support.  thanks.

rainy, i agree w/ the word 'expansive'.  all these 'little' memories are holding a ton of perspective, thoughts, and sometimes even feelings.  i'm kind of amazed at how in depth i can go w/ all this, each incident.  thank you for your support :hug:

very low energy the past few days.  talked to my T yesterday, just chatted.  she brought up the idea that since i'm gaining these newfound insights, healing some of the early wounds, that my narrative might begin incorporating my newly discovered strengths and reclaim some of the emotions that got pounded down into barely anything.  i had to think about that concept, and what i came up w/ is that i need those old wounds mended rather than standing up for myself as a youngster.

the way i'm seeing/feeling it, this NN is only coming about because i'm able to alter my parents' actions towards me, not because of my own emotional growth and well-being.  i understand what she's suggesting, but i don't really believe that's the way for me to go.  an example is that she brought up the idea that when my doll went missing, i would be furious.  that idea of me getting mad about it never crossed my mind, and i still can't acclimate that emotion w/ that incident. 

i think anger was already mostly dead inside me by that age.  i remember feeling a moment of panic when i discovered her missing, which i quickly dispelled by making up a story about where she'd gone and why (the fairy king needed her).  i also think this incident added to the accumulation of sadness i carried in my eyes most all my life (even my mex. hub told me about seeing it there and mentioned something years later about how it wasn't as prevalent anymore).

so, i want to continue this w/ getting the help and support from the grownups surrounding me, rather than me taking on the role of self-advocacy.  i need them to be there for me. to nurture me into a more whole version of myself.  living as a piecemeal entity did not serve me well in many ways.  thank god i was able to mobilize the pieces i had and rely on this neverending spirit of mine to accomplish a lot and live a great life. 

Quote from: sanmagic7 on December 07, 2022, 04:12:51 PM
thank god i was able to mobilize the pieces i had and rely on this neverending spirit of mine to accomplish a lot and live a great life. 

those are some beautiful words sanmagic.  :hug:

I like the way you're looking at this, even if it's contrary to what your T is suggesting. It's a real perspective changer and I wish you continued success with this.
It's funny I look at all the ways I can't heal my own wounds, yet marvel with my W about how our parenting approaches (vs our FOOs) are having such different (hopefully positive) impacts on our children. We needed adults to nurture us and your method I think reenforces where the blame/change needs to be made.
I'm starting to see the real beauty in what you are doing. (I'm a little slow at seeing things sometimes)  :hug:
Thanks for sharing your work... it's a real gift 

I agree with you, San. The way I think about it is that by having your parents redo these events in your head you are kind of remodeling your brain using neuroplasticity and making it almost as if those things happened...that your brain was properly nurtured and formed. And each time you encounter new memories you now in part have the brain of someone who had been adequately parented and loved while you redo the next set of memories and incidents. You are actually building a healthier brain by so vividly imagining these events until you get them to feel right. 

Whatever it is, it is genius! And it seems to be unlocking some joy for you too.

The lack of anger is weird huh? Me, too.

phil, thank you for your kind sentiments and words.  i really appreciate your support for what i'm doing. :hug:

armee, the term 'neuroplasticity' rang a bell in my head.  a great theory - i'm hoping that's exactly what's happening.  these wounds needed mending by those who caused them, to my mind, and when i retrace these instances as they've been re-worked, they are standing solid.  i can see me smiling, laughing, and feeling different, can see concern in my parents' faces, and feel warmth from them.  it's truly different from what i experienced, so maybe you are absolutely correct - the pathways are being remade and the healing is able to happen.  it's a good feeling, for sure.  thanks. :hug:

the last few days i've been feeling so low energy, downright crappy, and out of sorts.  food/eating is all out of whack.  barely getting by w/ necessary things to be done - shower, dishes, etc.  i don't have enough right now to give to others except for what i've written here.  my eye gave me problems yesterday, so i was in pain most of the day.  i was doing everything i've been told, and it still happened. 

my spirit feels weary.  it's getting more and more difficult to pull myself up after something like that.  kind of scary.

Dear SanMagic,
I'm so sorry to hear that you've had a painful eye, it's so zapping of energy to have pain, and I really hope that you can get some relief from it.  Sending you a heartfelt hug of support  :hug: and hoping that the weekend is kind to you. 

Hope  :)

 :hug:

I'm so sorry, San. It's terrible to do all the right things but still have the pain. Take it easy. I'll be thinking of you. Sending love and care and gentle gentle hugs.

thank you, hope.  it's nice to have you back again - i've missed you. :hug:

thanks, armee.  luckily, i kept shoving eye drops into it and it got better by late afternoon.  still, it adds to my pile of what may come up on any given day and how i'm going to have to suffer thru it.  ugh! :hug:

my anxiety has been on the rise lately and i think i was able to corner it last nite and make sense out of it - financial worries.  i've been pretty poor all my life, have been homeless for a couple weeks at one point, batted away bill collectors on a daily basis during my first marriage, and lived quite poorly w/ my ex cuz he robbed our family of money due to his porn addiction, but for whatever reason i always dealt w/ it.  maybe i was still too frozen (thank heavens) emotionally to show any fear, feel any fear, but i'm feeling it now.  i hate even talking about it.

my D takes care of our finances, and she's told me that we're good to go thru next month, when she should be getting enough money to last another 3 months.  if she doesn't get disability, she'll have to go back to work, and that hasn't worked well for her in the past.  ack!  i'm just spewing here, but am close to tears living w/ this fear now.  i've been feeling frightened for 3 days and it's just horrible.  plus, w/ the cost of living bump for soc. sec., i got knocked out of being eligible for help on meds. 

feeling scared is so new to me, and it's so awful to feel it.  i'm so tired of living like this.  i work really hard to make it to the next day even when all i want to do is lay down and rest.  and my T got sick so i missed a session on fri.  feeling very unstable and hope she's around for our tues. appt.  i can't distract myself enough at night now, which is also scary to me.  ugh!!!  caught in a whirlwind of not being able to see the sun on the horizon right now.

 :hug:

Those are very reasonable fears that would keep anyone up at night.

I am so angry that a cost of living bump in social security resulted in you becoming ineligible for medication cost support. Uuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!! Our country is so messed up!

I'm keeping many fingers crossed for disability for your daughter.

And some warm reassuring hugs are here waiting when the anxiety strikes.

 :bighug:  Those are very real and as Armee says reasonable fears.

plus, w/ the cost of living bump for soc. sec., i got knocked out of being eligible for help on meds  :aaauuugh: Unfortunately something similarily stupid prevents me getting rent subsidy, but different country, different problem. I understand how maddening it is though.

Keeping my fingers crossed for disability for your d and wishes for a wonder over Christmas in some form or other.  :grouphug:

I am thinking of you as you navigate these days.  Financial stress and uncertainty are scary and I hope you continue to find what is supportive to you.

armee, the thought of hugs when the anxiety hits is wonderful.  unfortunately, when it hit last nite, i never remembered the hugs.  i wish i would have, and hopefully will next time around.  thank you so. :hug:

thanks you, blueberry, for that embracing hug - felt really lovely.  sorry you have gov't subsidy woes, too - it certainly does stink.  :hug:

thanks for thinking of me rainy - so appreciated.  :hug:

tension in my body continues to mount.  this morning i could barely move my limbs smoothly - must've slept very tightened up.  anxiety attack last nite.  i did talk to my D about my fears and finances, she reassured me we're ok for several months.  after that, who knows?  my only backup plan is to return to mex.  not ideal but at least not homeless.  pain in my gut writing that.

thoughts about the choices i've made and how much i didn't provide for my D to have a life w/ less struggles.  i've had to shoo them away - i can't take that on now.  shoo shoo shoo.

and, of course, w/ the holiday season comes thoughts of D1.  too many thoughts, and a pain in my heart.

 :bighug:

I can't imagine that pain you feel around the holidays about your daughter. I mean I'm imagining just a taste of it and it hurts.  :grouphug: The pain is a sign of your love ❤.

Wishing you relief from the tension and worries.

You did take care of your D. You have both survived, too. Together. You've done good, San, despite difficult circumstances and partners.

Now come on in... :grouphug: :bighug:

Gentle hugs and just sitting with you, san. This is often a hard time of year and at least here, you are in understanding company. hands over favorite warm beverage

San, I keep writing and erasing my words.  They don't seem to quite fit so I will say I am thinking of you and sending you care.

Thinking of you, san  :hug:

 :bighug:

Big hug to you today and a gentle arm around the shoulder if that is comforting. I have something for you. I'm making it. I know I won't ever get to give it to you because anonymity is important for safety, but I've thought about who it is for. And it is yours.

It's a beautiful wrap I'm crocheting. The name of the pattern is Cielito Lindo. I've made every stitch as I've tried to recover the past few months, all the hours I couldn't do anything but sit and stare and make a stitch or two. You've been here for me through this telling me over and over what I need to hear and never tiring of it. So please imagine me wrapping you up in it. You are a good, loving soul.

armee, i finally felt the pain yesterday and it's brutal.  i've spent 2 days crying, grieving (i think) for the loss of D1, and so much else.  i'm worn out, weary, yet i can't sleep tonite. thank you for bringing the idea of pain to the fore for me - i hadn't thought of it before, certainly didn't know it was there until you nudged it out from under my defenses.  thank you for that. :hug:

CF, thank you for your compassion and support.   :hug:

rainy, i appreciate your thoughts and care.  i really do.  thank you. :hug:

thank you, bach, for thinking of me.  it felt important to know this.   :hug:

armee, i can't tell you what you've done for me, how you've made me feel.  not enough words.  cielito lindo - i looked it up.  what a beautiful treasure.  i won't forget it.  thank you so very much.  know that my spirit is now in that work of art.   :hug:

crying for 2 days has taken it out of me.  it's late, i'm not sleepy, everything inside is disturbed, yet released thru toxic tears.  it will take a while to settle.  i'm bereft of feeling right now - there have been too many in the past few days, and they've seemingly torn me apart.  i'm heavy in my soul and my brain isn't functioning correctly, like i'm somewhere somehow elsewhere.

so much of my faith in myself to deal w/ whatever comes along feels deadened.  i looked up the idea of possibly getting an agent for my memoir, 'crutches', but they talked about having already sold 1000's of copies on my own, having a large presence on soc, media, and garnering attention via book signings, appearances, etc. for promotion purposes.  i realized i do not have any of that, am not able to travel, and am simply out of energy for anything coming near to what's being asked of an author.  it was overwhelming.

i'm also coming to grips w/ the idea that i'll never drive again, which is a huge blow to accept.  i also know i could never live on my own again.  all these feelings of loss of my freedom and independence have hit me hard.  dylan's song comes to mind 'it's not dark yet, but it's getting there.'  he wrote that many decades ago, and i feel like i've been pushing that 'dark' back for so much of my life, but it's getting more difficult and i'm being chipped away at, which is also depleting my strength to keep at it. 

dang depressing. 

Sanmagic,
I am so sorry to hear about all the things going on in your life right now. I know how exhausting it is to keep pushing the dark away day after day and I am really feeling for you. I wished I could do anything to shine a little light into the darkness or give you the strength to keep pushing...
Things may be tough right now and the crying may have depleted much of your energy but I hope things will get better and you will be able to regain some of your hope and strength.
It's sad you are having such difficulties trying to find an agent for your memoir. Stories like yours deserve to be heard and I think it would provide a lot of help and understanding for people with Cptsd etc.
Have you thought about self-publishing it somehow? I've published a couple of books via amazon and I have found the process quite simple and straight-forward, so this might be an option for you?

I am so sorry the pain is so deep. It is there though so at least it is getting out a little. 2 days of crying.....for someone who has held it in...that's like crying for 2 months straight, really!!!!!

Good grief! That publicist's requirements!!! How will we ever hear the voices of so many different types of people if that's what it takes?

The loss of freedom and independence  I can't even begin to imagine how terrifying and imprisoning that stage is.

Hang in there San. You've made it this far. You have peace in your surroundings. You have a daughter who wants to take care of you. You've survived so much. Fill your day with the things that bring you comfort and joy. You deserve the rest and joy now.

Dear SanMagic,
Sending you a big hug  :bighug: if that's ok, and am thinking of you and hoping that you know how much you are cared about by people here and people in your life.  I believe that whole-heartedly and hope you do too. 
Hope  :)

With you, dear San, as you process all this. I've heard the same about my memoir. I do know there's always the option to self-publish compared to the traditional route. I might even end up doing that anyway. It's so important that our stories be told, be available to others. As long as you choose to have an ISBN number when you self-publish, bookstores and libraries can find the book with that. Gentle hugs if you want them, fellow author!

M&H, your support helped a lot.  thank you so for that.  i do have one non-fiction self-help book already self-published, so i know about going that route.  an author friend of my D's suggested, after reading the first chapter a while ago, that i should get an agent cuz she loved the writing in it.  so, i was just kind of playing around w/ the idea but it turned out to be daunting.  my D is my editor and publisher normally - she's been struggling lately, and for quite a while so just hasn't gotten to my stuff yet.  we'll see, but thanks for the suggestion. :hug:

hey, armee, you are one of the things that brings me comfort and joy!  thank you for all your support and encouragement. :hug:

hi, hope, good to hear from you.  and, yes, i know i'm cared about but i appreciate the reminder.  it's always good to just soak in that thought. :hug:

thanks, CF.  my D takes care of my publishing, so i think i was just getting antsy waiting for her to get back on track.  thanks for the suggestion, and the encouragement.  :hug:

this memoir i'm talking about has to do w/ the first 3 mos. after i moved to mexico when i was 53, $6000 to my name and no other resources.  i basically ran away from home.  then i re-met a friend who was in rehab for the second time and we spent hours and hours talking during several weeks.  being an addictions counselor, i kept watch over him w/ both personal and professional eyes and he was there for me on the bad days.  in short, we saved each other's lives.  it's both a recovery (from 2 different angles) and a love story.

i've been struggling the past week or so, about D1 and what happened.  i discovered an email that i read to my T, and she was appalled at what my D1 had written to and about me.  so, that stirred up quite a bit of distress, and i've been working the past few days, using eye movements at times, to put that back in the hole where it belongs.

unfortunately, this has sapped all my energy and i haven't been able to make any progress on my NN recently.  when i explained to my T why i thought it was best to rewrite this script from the perspective of having my parents act differently instead of me standing up for myself, she agreed that it made sense.  this is a much more tedious and specific project than i expected.  so many details simply pop up that i hadn't thought about in ages, and each and every one needs to be addressed and resolved.

still, i'm looking forward to continuing doing this.  even tho i've only gotten the first 5 yrs. of my life relatively settled now, there has been so much change that had been needed in my mind.  as armee said, neuroplasticity seems to be set into gear giving me a new image in my mind of various scenarios which either had been non-existent or neglectful.

i'm also discovering and acknowledging just how very sensitive i am, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  i'm quite sure i've been this way all my life, which had never been acknowledged or seen, let alone accommodated.  pretty amazing to think about it now, but holy moley, how much it affects (and affected) my life when i'm not looking.  suddenly i might realize it and it kind of startles me.  whew.

just wanting to send a supportive hug your way as you work through this  :hug:
I'm intrigued by your running off to Mexico.. my w and I are talking about this as maybe a 5-10 year plan. It sounds like it was the right move at the right time for you. What a cool story that would be.
For us, our kids are a little young to leave yet, but being NC with most others sure adds some flexibility otherwise :)
Anyway...I'm wishing your energy returns and for lots of goodness to come your way.

San, I'm sorry things have been so painful and scary. I care about you.  :grouphug:

 :hug: :bighug:

 :hug: :hug:

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I agree, you are sensitive. In a good way. You are acutely sensitive and had to stuff it all in. Letting it out slowly even is painful and scary but i can't wait to know San when she is truly her true self all out in the open. You're a beautiful person, dear. Hugs of strength and hugs of tenderness.

HI San,

Here's a hug for all you're going through right now.  :hug:

here's a hug from a fellow parent with an unhappy child.  :hug:

Here's a hug from a fellow writer who untangles my inner confusion by finding the truth through my writing.  :hug:

Here's a hug from a writer who doesn't enjoy the publishing process.  :hug:

Here's a hug from an HSP to an HSP. I wish I had a switch to turn it off once in a while for a break, but I don't. I expect you don't also.  :hug:

Dear SanMagic,
When you wrote about fearing that you wouldn't have felt able to care for and raise a child by yourself, I was thinking - I think SanMagic is stronger than she gives herself credit for - because you raised your child without a supportive partner really - and that could in many ways be worse.  I have no experience of raising any children myself, and I admire the fact you've done so.  Anyway, I wanted to send you a hug of support and hope that those anxiety attacks leave you alone and that you have some peace and feel some nice moments in your day.   :hug:
Hope  :)

phil, your well wishes were wonderful to read.  thank you so much.  the circumstances around running to mex. were not good in the least, tho.  i was running to preserve my life and sanity.  it had gotten to that point at the time and i didn't know anything else to do to save myself.  i'm glad it turned out well, tho.  :hug:

notalone, thanks so much for what you said.  it touched my heart. :hug:

bach and CF, those hugs were remarkable to see and know.  i appreciate both of you so much. :hug: :hug:

armee, as always, . . . thank you for your kind words.  as i think about what you said, you are knowing the true san every day i write here.  i may continue to change, but every version is now the truest i can be.  much more human than in the past, for sure.  much more of everything i'm now feeling.  sometimes it isn't pretty, but it's true.  thanks, also, for your support and those hugs! :hug:

PC, thank you for all those specific hugs.  you brought a smile to my face for all you can relate to in my life.  and, yeah, that HSP thing, while it's helpful at times, it's also very frustrating and brings on fear at other times.  ah well, we live w/ what we've got. :hug:

hi hope - someone else told me the same thing, about raising children w/o a supportive partner.  he did provide financial support, tho, and i was able to go back to school and earn my masters besides being able to be home w/ my kids.  that was a big part of what i needed from someone else.  at one time we were separated for 7 weeks (therapeutical) and my D's would visit him on the weekends.  they actually told him they thought i was going mental.  the stress and strain of being w/ them, raising them by myself, etc. was so awful for me.  i was losing it on a daily basis by the end.  i know how strong i am, but i also knew my limits.  hard to say, hard to know.  thank you for your support. :hug:

well, that sent me down a hole.  triggers about my ex and my D1 came up while i finished writing my response to hope.  shaking it off now,.  this is part of my continuing struggle right now.  they're triggered by so much of anything - i can't get away from them.  not anyone's fault - i don't realize myself what might or might not be a trigger for them.

i've been quite anxious of late, especially after my D goes to her room for the night.  this had gotten better for a while, but it's come back.  i hope this just has to do w/ the holidays and it'll pass after they're done.  i'm also living w/ more fear now, and that is simply awful.  as i've said before, i don't know how people have lived like this, feeling this.  to me, it's the worst.  trust the magic has been one of my favorite sayings, but i rarely remember it nowadays.  and it's something i so need to do.

just writing this i can feel the anxiety creeping up thru my body, tension seeping into my muscles and joints.  it seems the more tools i get to cope w/ this stuff, the more i forget.  ugh!!!

 :hug:

It's a rough time of year. I have faith the anxiety and fear will settle a bit.

I agree, this time of year can pile on extra stress. Handing you your favorite warming beverage and a blanket. Gentle hugs if you want them and wishing you peace.  :hug:

hi, armee, thanks for the support.  much appreciated. :hug:

CF, your offers of comfort are always welcome.  thank you. :hug:

during therapy this morning i decided to focus on my NN, hoping to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts with which i'm struggling.  it went well.  i was able to put my mother in a kind, caring role about my doll (which she'd spirited away w/o my knowing).  i allowed her to have her concerns but had her ask me if it was all right if she threw it away cuz she thought it was gross.  at this point i was able to stand up for myself and tell her 'no!'  when she asked why not, i told her that doll helped me fall asleep every night.

then she said 'i didn't know it was that important to you', which gave me a feeling of having some weight as a person, not just a child to be run over (metaphorically) because of adult perspectives.  it felt very good, very solid (which speaks to my floatiness as an adult) and as if i was heard and respected for my own perspective, even at 5 yrs. old.  she came up w/ a plan to wrap the doll in a clean cloth  every morning so she wouldn't have to see its much utilized arms and legs.

as i watched myself wrap that doll up every morning and place it next to my pillow to wait for me till that night, i had a feeling of happiness and pride wash over me.  those are 2 pretty new feelings, certainly neither of which i remember as a kid.  well, happiness escaped me my entire life, and pride in my accomplishments was pretty much absent as well, no matter how much others remarked on things i'd accomplished.  as an adult i did what i did mostly because that's what would be expected of me.

those expectations truly ran my life.  i've accomplished a lot, but i couldn't ever feel proud of myself for most of it.  it was just what had to be done, so i did it.  my one thing i am proud of myself for is getting published in a professional journal.  it had been a dream of mine ever since i became a therapist.  it was something i'd dreamed of so it didn't fall under the 'expectation' umbrella held by someone else.  very different in my mind.

anyway, this new scenario i can now picture clearly - i can see my mom sitting at the side of my bed talking to me, being sympathetic to my reasoning for keeping that doll, and being affectionate at the same time.  so very different than sneaking it away while i was at school and never talking to me about it.  plus, i'd already learned not to ask questions, so i couldn't go to her wondering where my doll had gone.  hence, the beginning of making up stories to be able to stay sane. 

the other scenario had to do w/ dressing up in some of my dad's clothes, and him giving me a nickname based on a cartoon boy in a comic strip.  i remember several pictures he took of me dressed like that - he must've been so very pleased.  i don't remember either my bro or sis having a similar experience w/ being photographed 4-5 times for something they'd done.  in my NN, i had him laugh at how i looked, but affectionately, telling me i was being so silly and laughing, which made me laugh, too.

then, instead of laying that nickname (and subsequently denying my being a girl) on me, he told me that he was laughing because dressed like that he was reminded of a comic strip character and it was just a fun thing, but he knew i was his sweet little girl inside all those clothes.  i saw him pick me up and twirl me around, both of us laughing and enjoying the humor of it.  again, so different.   and i was able to be confident in my being a girl, something i haven't felt most of my life, either.  again, what a difference.

so, now i've finished 5 yrs. old and the memories i can remember which had a big impact (neg.) on my life.  it was a big deal that i could say 'no' to my mom, and that i could have my femininity reinforced by my dad.  like i was accepted by him for who i was no matter how i'd dressed up. 

gonna take a little break now, let all this settle.  when i first was ready to begin this today, i felt like i was on the edge of a precipice, ready to step off.  the experience of re-writing these 2 incidents seemed enormous.  thankfully, by stepping off, i took another step toward reclaiming my very own self. 

 :cheer: for your brave and creative steps toward reclaiming your very own self.  :grouphug:

 :hug:

I'm so proud of you and impressed by your tenacity and ingenuity!

notalone, lovelovelove your support for me w/ this.  thank you so. :hug:

armee, your kind words and generosity w/ them never fail to make my heart smile.  thanks. :hug:

pretty worn out today.  our holiday weekend was lovely in some ways, but marred by my D not feeling good.  it just breaks my heart that she's going thru this.  as we know, tho, that when either of us get down time from chaos and crisis, we melt down.  she's had migraines for 3 days, i had anxiety attacks last nite.  can't wait to get  back to my own little routine.

in my NN, i realized i need my F to say something about how pretty i was as a little girl.  that's something i didn't hear from either parent,and subsequently i never knew it about myself, but i needed it from him the most cuz he stuck me in that non-girlie mode w/ this incident.  to tired and beat to work on this anymore.  gotta go shopping. 

I'm so sorry, not to be told that you are pretty is such a deep wound. My parents always said how pretty my sister was but compared to her I was always the "ugly duckling" and it hurt more than most people can imagine. I sometimes feel like I shouldn't care about it that much (after all it's just appearance) and yet the truth is that it really did sting a lot and it still bothers me today, so I understand that you might be finding it difficult to deal with this.
I hope you can manage to work with this somehow and heal the pain this has caused you

I'm so sorry to hear all this.

When the cruelty comes from our own parents, well, there is NO forgiveness in my heart for those parents. It's 100% intolerable, and in every situation. NO exceptions!

What the * is wrong with our parents? How could they not see that THEY are the villains in these situations? Since they treated our siblings better than us, then that means they knew HOW to be kind, and as far as I'm concerned, that means they knew what they were doing to the one they chose to abuse.

I think you all are beautiful souls, your kindness, which you extend to each other and to myself, is unmatched anywhere.

You are all, truly, "the Beautiful people" in this world.

Gentle hugs! Hopefully you can get back to your routine and feel a little better. I resonate with what you said. I don't recall my F ever saying anything positive about how I looked. I agree with Papa Coco; we may not post pics here, but we are beautiful people. We may struggle, but we still shine.

M&H, thanks, yes, i agree it's been a deep wound.  my girly-ness was sabotaged from the get-go, giving me a hole in my being where it belonged.  what it might have done for my confidence as an adult . . . well, i can only imagine.  i hear my D talk about how she's always known she was pretty and it gave her an extra piece of who she was.  that's what i was lacking.  and i'm sorry you were left believing you were an ugly duckling.  i have no doubt you are not nor ever have been.   :hug:

PC, being told i was pretty would have gone a long way to establishing that it was ok to be a girl, to not be ashamed of my womanly attributes when they showed themselves, and to have more confidence rather than confusion when i was around boys/men.  it was very important to me.  when i asked my mom about it in later years, she said she didn't want to sound like she was bragging - a big deal for her.  and, i agree, everyone here is beautiful, people have beautiful souls, and w/ a beautiful personality (i've seen this happen both ways) people can become more physically beautiful as well.  thanks. :hug:

hey, CF, sorry you didn't get that affirmation from your F either.  it's hard to go out into the world thinking you're unattractive.  and, yes, i agree, we still shine no matter what.  thanks :hug:

very sick the past 2 days, stress flu, so it'll take me a while to recover.  talked this over w/ my T, told her my system is so overloaded w/ stress already that any kind, pos. or neg. (i've always loved the holidays, decorating, wrapping gifts, etc.) will overtake me and bring me down.  that's where i am now.  just a bit better than yesterday, but this will take a week to recover from. 

 :hug:

System overload sucks but also important to recognize it like you do and accept and adapt.

gentle hugs, san.  Hoping you feel better soon and that immune system perks back up. *shares warm socks and warm drinks*

 :hug:  :hug: san. iirc you had a pile of blankets over on the Healing Porch? I'm getting one out for you now. It's warm and soft and it magically produces hot drinks w/o you having to get out of bed to make your own.

Thinking of you as you rest.

 :hug:

Dear SanMagic,
I hope you are okay and wish you much rest and recuperation, and hope that you get some lovely moments - restful ones, and whatever you need at this time.  Maybe some honey and lovely warming drinks.  Calm, rest and recovery - wishing all of those things for you. 

Also, sending you a gentle hug  :hug:

Wishing  you the best for 2023. 

Hope  :)

armee, CF, blueberry, rainy, snowdrop, hope - thank you all for your comfort and care. :grouphug:

besides being stress sick, i am now heartsick as well, grieving a past relationship from 40 yrs. ago as well as my D1.  finally feeling the pain, the hurt, the loss.  2 very important relationships i thought would be so different for my life, my entire life.  i put them here, hoping to finally get over them both because they've been crowding my mind the past several days.  feeling now what i should have felt all those years ago - NC w/ D1 8 yrs. ago next month, and a life i thought would be my dream w/ both her and him.

i'm so out of sorts right now, it's difficult to be in my being.  my world was rocked both times, w/ both breakups, and i'm finally recognizing and feeling the pain and all the rest of it, and it's difficult to cope, to retain my sanity.  i wish i didn't have to bear this.

i wish i could trade all this for some light and bright, but the darkness continues to overwhelm me.

San, I am thinking of you and reflecting on how non-linear grieving is.  I hope these experiences and feelings lead to ease and peace.

thanks, rainy.  your words were comforting. :hug:

beginning to feel better.  i did some grieving/sobbing and i think that helped.  i know grieving is a messy time, and that's exactly what i felt like - a mess.  i think/hope at least some of it is taken care of now. 

i'm looking forward to continuing my NN.  still formulating what i'd need my parents to do for the next incident of crushing my girl spirit.  that had been reiterated several times in my life while still at home.  one christmas we got underwear, but the undershirts were actually for boys.  my dad slushed that off by saying 'well, they act like boys anyway'.  meaning me and my sister.  no gesture of returning/replacing them, nothing from my mom. 

enabling is so many things under the guise of nothing.  the enabler sits back and allows things to happen.  'not my fault, i didn't do anything'.  exactly.

whew, little new year's bitterness just popped out there.  as much as my F set things up for me, my M allowed it and is now taking a bigger place in my NN than i first thought about.

wishing everyone a less painful and distressing new year.  we've all been thru so much. :sharkbait:  hoping for light and bright. :sunny:

I resonated with your reflection about your girl spirit being crushed - mine too and I hope we find it again.

we're not alone w/ that one - we're doing this together, rainy. :hug:

San, sitting with you, holding your hand if that feels good, while you grieve the loss in your life and the pain D1 and exH caused you. I know it's a positive step to grieve but can't imagine the pain and exhaustion that goes with it. I feel grateful that you'll share your wisdom learned from this grief processing with me and us later when we need it. You do get to be a mess right now.

I get the feeling you are going to rise out of this grief and NN process lighter and happier and very true to your core self, free. Going through the fire you are going through is brave and loving of yourself. You step out and rest when you need a break and to recover but you keep going back in to finish the work. Go girl and beautiful warrior!

thank you, armee.  that sounds lovely.  actually, it's my first mexican love i've been grieving, the whole dream of living w/ him there.  that was my original hope, anyway.  nearly 50 yrs. ago, and i'm just feeling it, recognizing it, grieving it now.  yeah, it hurts, but i had to let him go.  he's not the man i knew back then anymore, for one thing, the major thing.

and, yes, D1.  i'm realizing how badly she's hurt me, the pain she's caused me, how very vicious towards me she's been.  i read an old email from her to my T a couple weeks ago, one i hadn't seen, and it was full of vitriol it opened the wound again, bigger than ever.  there are a few more from her that i haven't and won't open, all back in 2015, right after i told her i wanted a respectful adult relationship w/ her, that she should contact me when she was ready for that.

all too sad.  this month it'll be 8 yrs.  i've had to have her be akin to dead in my mind.  she won't change.  she's done the same to my D, so both of us are NC.  my D has been terribly traumatized by her sister.  that hurts my heart as well.

thank you for being there for me.   :hug:

i had to do some work on these relationships, especially w/ D1, which was driving me insane.  i did some eye movements to help me realize this was her choice to stay angry at me and treat me the way she did.  it was very disturbing to work on this and i came inside and ate a lot.  then i got so mad that these people have been so mean to me, so devastatingly mean, that i've had to go thru all this heartache and heartbreak because of them.

so i stabbed a styrofoam container maliciously over and over until i could breathe again.  it felt good.

i'm so sick of having to pay such a cruel price because of the words and actions of others.  on reflection, that relationship w/ my first mex. love needed to end, even if i didn't know it at the time.  i was spared, so i've heard since, a nightmare.  i don't want to go into details, but i'm able to tell myself i couldn't have made it different.  others have told me he married the wrong woman, and it made me think that his problems might not have been if it had been me instead of her.  that was a false concept.  i couldn't have done anything about it, and i would have been left behind in worse ways than i even experienced since.

and my D1 - well, no matter what she says about me, i know i did my best and she made choices and i couldn't fix her choices, either.  that sounds so elementary, yet it seems so huge to actually (hopefully) know that now.  i gave her everything i had and it was never enough.  that's something i can't help, fix, or change.

i'm really out of sorts right now.  this stuff has been eating me alive for so long.  i was able to know i'm happy to be w/ my D now, that she cares about and for me, accepts me, loves me, wants only the best for me.  it felt so good to get to a place of seeing something pos. in my life.  i've been living in absolute darkness.  this realization and knowing helped shed a bit of light for me.  i am blessed to be me and have her in my life.

Gentle hugs, san.  So much to feel and process, I hope there is some peace soon. Or at least more styrofoam for you. Sounds like a good outlet, honestly.

thanks, CF.  more styrofoam would feel great!  gonna keep it in mind.   :hug:

been feeling pretty good lately, was able to do some exercise, weights, stretching, taking it slowly (i thought) drinking lots of water.  unfortunately, i think even this, which is good for me, stressed my system out to the point that i was running to the john and yesterday i felt completely out of sorts, nearly dizzy.  i took in some electrolytes, and i think that helped, but today i'm back to feeling out of control and uneasy.

this is so cruel.  feeling good for a few days only to go down the dumper once more.  not fair!!!  decided to write this out tonite hoping it would help.  i don't know.

I resonate with this San.  I often think finding moments of ease is harder when it slips away again and again. 

It is cruel.  :grouphug:

"Cruel" is an appropriate word.     :grouphug:

 :bighug:

rainy, i totally agree w/ you - sometimes it just tears me down w/ exhaustion.  thanks for your support :hug:

armee, thanks for the validation and all those hugs.  made me smile. :hug:

thanks, notalone, for the validation.  i appreciate it and you. :hug:

snowdrop, i loved that big hug.  brought me right in.  thank you. :hug:

am doing pretty good on incorporating some physical exercise into my day.  living in a 3rd-floor walkup gives me access to cardio w/o having to go outside, and i have a few little weights in my room that i'm getting back into.  i've learned the hard way i have to do them extremely slowly, or it puts me out of commission for a week or so.  plus one stretch to lengthen the muscles of my shoulders and upper back.  i've gotten so stooped over the past years.  just trying to loosen things up a bit, but it feels good (after the fact) to do it.

i attempted another run at my NN, but absolutely could not focus.  it's a little scary to thin some of those memories may have slipped away.  on the other hand, perhaps i've resolved them enough that it's time to move on.  just got that thought now.

so, my girl spirit in intact, my knowledge of being able to lean on my parents, have conversations w/ them, and ask questions or set up boundaries has been formed so far.  there's a big one coming up for me to tackle - i did not make friends easily, and when i began junior high i was alone.  i threw my energy into books and schoolwork (always trying to get my F to tell me he's proud of me - oops, that triggered another memory from a few years before.  i do have to tackle that one first - it's very important.

making my F proud of me was my life goal and primary focus back then.  i'd come home w/ great report cards, and he'd always say 'next time you can do better'.  i was very proud of myself for what i'd accomplished, but never heard any pride coming from my folks.  oooh, this is bringing up some stuff i hadn't realized was there. 

i've accomplished a lot in my life, professionally and personally, but except for one thing, i don't remember having a sense of pride about any of them.  for me to excel had always been expected.  how could i be proud of something that was already expected of me?  only if i went over and above (which my published paper means to me) could i take any joy in anything i did, have any sense ofeven accomplishment about it. 

bringing tears to my eyes, so i'm going to stop, but i know where my next piece of this pie is coming from.

hugs, san, congrats on getting that indoor exercise. I totally resonate with the male parent never thinking something is good enough. I got that a lot. you are not alone in that.

YOU are a published author!!!! Papers! Books! A talented therapist! A mom! A competent traveller! I'm proud of you!

But mostly your kindness and tenacity. Wow.

CF, my heart was saddened by the fact that you didn't get what you needed from your F.  you and i were certainly good enough.  the idea that we didn't get the validation we needed, well, i'm sorry you experienced it as well.  i hope you can find your way to knowing it in yourself. :hug:

armee, thank you thank you thank you.  you spurred another revelation for me in my NN - i just pictured my dad letting me know throughout my school years how proud he was of me for my good grades, how validating it meant a lot to me going forward, and how my knowledge of that point about me and what i'd done in school would have strengthened, supported, and encouraged me, building my personhood into something more solid and secure in my own abilities to achieve and enjoy my own self.  :hug:

now i've begun working on the next step of childhood development:  School Age (6 to 11 years)   Industry vs. Inferiority    School   Confidence

confidence has been lacking.  even tho i knew i did well both in school and later in my job as therapist, it always seemed like an uphill battle to prove i was intelligent and for that to be recognized.  'flaky therapist' comes to mind (dang, that still hasn't stopped hurting).  but i think/believe if i would've gotten the praise and acknowledgment from my F during my school years, i would've been able to shake off such such hurtful/painful remarks by others just cuz i did things my own way.

i actually knew i was a great therapist w/ those girls because of the feedback i got from them, from their parents.  i've got little reminders i keep w/ me of the appreciation they felt for me.  i think of another forum member struggling w/ autism and her special perspective she has working w/ kids needing extra help, and how their feedback for her reinforces that her way works wonders for them.  the adults working w/ those same kids just can't see it, for whatever reason, that working outside the box w/ struggling youth is so important and gets beneficial results.

so, i looked back on school years till age 11, and can now picture my F paying attention to my report cards, marveling at how great a student i was and the results showed on those report cards.  never any problem in school, nothing neg. to report to them.  i channeled all my energy into getting good/great grades, even when they weren't showing all 'A's'.  that acknowledgment would have set me up for confidence in myself and my efforts.

my M isn't in the picture for whatever reason.  i suppose she was happy i was a good student, an excellent student. but she was too involved in keeping a clean house, clean clothes, making food, etc. to really give it the weight i needed.  my T mentioned she thought my mom was OCD when it came to cleanliness.  i believe that could be the case.

at any rate, i now need to let this settle a bit, wallow in it, if you will.  knowing i was more than smart, and all my work to do well in school was appreciated and celebrated . . . i could've really used that.  again, what a difference it would've made in my adulthood on so many fronts.  confidence.  yeah, i've got to put that in place now before i move on.

still settling w/ some of my school stuff, altho i've begun to move into my next major memory.  that will come.

yesterday, in therapy, i talked a lot about how disconnected emotionally i was from anyone, including my parents.  once i moved out of their house, it was as if anything they might be going thru was no concern of mine.  even after my dad died, (my S and i were living across the country), i had no feelings about my mom being w/o him.  my S returned to their house to be w/ her so she wouldn't be alone, but that was something which never crossed my mind to even give a thought to.  i was planning my wedding, didn't have enough $$$ - i'd spent my extra money to go see him when he was able to come home from the hospital, so visiting him when he was alive meant more to me than being at a funeral.

at any rate, giving a care about others' emotions/feelings just wasn't part of me, wasn't part of my perception of people, the world, or me in the world.  yesterday, however, after talking about this the weight of my disconnect hit me full force.  what a horrible way to live.  i'm only just realizing this now.  i know it was a survival mechanism - i could never have survived my life w/o it - but i was overcome w/ sadness about it all.  that was extremely disturbing, and i overate to try to push all the distress down.

but here i am this morning, and i'm working on allowing the sadness, the weight, the distress to be there and to live thru them.  my D has told me several times she likes me better now that i'm beginning to feel, altho she understands the reason for it.  i'm sure this is caused by being in a safer environment, living w/ a safe person, and having the pace of my life slowed wa-a-a-a-y down.  all those things are giving me an opportunity to realize and acknowledge feelings for the first time in forever.

my next big memory which happened when i was 13-14 was what put the nail in that coffin, and i can't wait to put that to rest, but it'll have to wait.  i need to go thru this now, and i feel horribly sad and miserable.  ugh!  honestly, i spend too much time feeling miserable, tho.  i don't like it.

San, I felt a lot as I read your posts.  :grouphug:

We're here for you as you have the feelings, san. You are not alone.

(you also are not NotAlone, you are San. ;) )   :grouphug:

Whew. I audibly blew out air reading that. That is a big difficult realization, San.  :grouphug:

I hope you are able to be compassionate toward yourself because the lack of feeling was forced on you as a way to cope with people who harmed you and ignored your feelings and needs. I also imagine you had more empathy than you are recognizing right now. And how we feel about our parents and how much empathy we can extend is a reflection of them, not of flaws in ourselves. It makes sense to be a bit cold toward a parent who was cold to little you. That's protection and that's valuable.

:bighug:

thanks for your support, notalone. :hug:

CF, not only for your support, but for the smile you brought to me.  thank you. :hug:

i thought about the empathy, armee - thanks for bringing that up. it was another big realization.  :hug:

when i looked back, i realized i did have empathy toward others but only if they were children.  ex ;  walking to the store one day, i was maybe 9, a baby had been left in a buggy on the sidewalk, all covered up in blankets on a hot summer day, and was crying and visibly agitated.  tears leapt into my eyes for it, and i wanted to help it but didn't know what to do so kept walking. 

the other example is because of the movie 'the miracle of marcelino'.  orphan boy dropped off at a monastery, he was treated well, but very sad at being an orphan.  one day he went exploring and found a life-sized statue of jesus sitting in a chair.  he came back several times because the statue began speaking to him.  finally, one day, the statue (this is bringing tears to my eyes as i write it) asked marcelino if he wanted to see his parents.  the boy nodded, and the statue told him to climb up onto his lap and go to sleep.  the monks found him like that, dead. 

right now i'm sobbing.  the idea that someone was so caring to this child, enough to encircle him in love and give him the capacity to die gently so he could be with his folks - that kind of caring and kindness and gentleness was foreign to me.  i think i saw this movie when i was about 8-10, and i cried freely while watching the depth of this tenderness to be given to a child.  i believe now i was already feeling the absence of my folks emotionally, even tho i never put that together till now. 

unfortunately, my friends ridiculed me for crying which  . . . did that cause shame?  did i become ashamed of crying?  it certainly added to the pile of crapola about being perfect and strong.  i was being stopped from having emotions from others besides my parents.  well, a bright light just clicked on at the back of my brain.  shame connected to emotions.  makes sense.  ashamed of having emotions/feelings, ashamed of being a girl, ashamed of being human.  that kind of wraps my entire essence of being in shame.  *sigh*

so, this is new right now for me.  thanks armee, for sending me down this road.  it opened something up i wasn't quite conscious of before.  i did put together the shame and being a girl before, but adding these 2 other layers kind of wraps everything of 'me' into a nice, neat/messy bundle.

so, yeah, i've always had empathy for children, but not for adults, not my peers, friends, parents, family.  that was knocked out of me a little later in my NN.  and it seems that child empathy was really all about me.  gotta sit w/ this first.

Hey Sanmagic7

Crying is a tough one.  I'm definitely a crier when it comes to movies, I don't think I can get through a Disney movie nowadays without shedding a tear.  There's a scene in The Adam Project (netflix) where the father is being a decent dad and reconciling with his son - I have to try really really hard not to bawl every time I see it.  But even then, my wife and kids will notice, and make fun of me!  They're just poking fun of course and likely don't realize how much more hurtful it is, but I get really agitated and defensive about it.

I learned early in my childhood that showing emotions, particularly needy or protesting ones, was a terrible idea.  The trick now is unlearning it, which is hard to do for the average person, nevermind those of us who've been scarred by trauma in the past.  Even without those bad memories there's still pressure from society / friends / family / peers to keep things 'happy'.

I've done a lot of reading on Toxic Shame ('Healing the Shame that Binds You' by John Bradshaw, which is also touched on quite a bit in Pete Walker's C-PTSD book), and it becomes such a core part of your presenting self, in a way it's the deadbolt that locks away your 'true self' / 'inner child'.  It's a hard thing to shake, but being aware of it is a great step in the right direction.

Hope you have a good week!

hey, crackedice, being aware is definitely a good first step.  thanks for the support. :hug:

i just read about writing a letter to your inner child, and it scared the crapola out of me.  for one thing, i wouldn't know what to say.  the only thing that came to mind was to do what you need to do cuz it's gonna get much, much worse before it gets 'better'.  not very uplifting.  and the message back to me from my inner child?  'help me'.  damn, tears again.

this is all so sad to me.  i guess it's not a bad thing - i cried a lot yesterday, so i know i'm releasing pent-up poison - but the sadness and despair i'm feeling is so very very much.  i don't want to be carrying these burdens anymore.  they're painful and debilitating at times.  like slogging thru thigh-high mud which also is full of rotting  . . .  i just want to cry again.

My first attempt at writing to my inner child was born out of the recovery letters I wrote to my parents. I was feeling a lot of unresolved anger and felt necessary to write to myself as part of the exercise.  Needless to say the letter wasn't very nice... But at the same time it helped me come to a lot of realizations.

The negative attitude I had towards myself was almost entirely fueled by how my parents treated me... All the things I wanted to say to myself were things that they said to me, and upon writing them down I realized how absurd they were!

Anyways I'm still pretty far from "accepting" my inner child, but wanted to share that the process can still be helpful, even if your initial feelings are anything other than kind.

Gentle hugs, san. It can take a while in the beginning for the Inner Child to even warm up to the Self, especially if trust is an issue.  You have to show them that you mean what you say and that you really will come back over and over.  Mine still get a little pouty now and then if I haven't talked in a while. But once they do open up... it can be quite revelatory.  We're here for you as you try things.

I'm holding your hand and offering tissue and a shoulder as you cry these pent up tears. Help me. I know that one. It hurts to hear. You're doing amazing work, San. It's painful.

hi crackedice, i actually don't hold any animosity toward myself in any form of my 'self'.  i don't hold blame, shame, guilt, etc. about me in all this.  the idea of what i thought about writing to little me was a reflection of the reality of what little me was going to be heading into down the road.  i didn't realize that what i wrote here could be taken as being unkind.  interesting.  i was speaking realistically.  hmmm . . .  thanks. :hug:

thanks, CF.  i'm feeling like my NN is actually showing little me that i'm there for her, taking care of things for her.  i can picture a new image of me as a little girl being happy and smiling and encouraged to be free to be me.  maybe i'm wrong.   :hug:

armee, so appreciated.  it is painful.  it hurt to realize that my younger self was actually feeling so much pain by the time she was 10.  it was also surprising, but felt absolutely accurate. :hug:

some of these comments kind of sent me spinning.  maybe i don't know enough yet about writing to my 'self', maybe it's the autism/alexithymia that gets in the way.  maybe i don't have a clear enough understanding about what writing to an inner child entails.  kind of distressing.  but i'll have to let that go and stumble on.

i talked w/ my T about writing these letters, and she suggested that they were often utilized for people who blamed or shamed themselves, which i don't do.  then we went on to discuss why.  i told her i'm still confused about how much all these things in my past have made such a neg. impact on my life when i had no overt physical or sexual abuse of any kind. 

she said that what i went thru from the get-go was extremely insidious, that what my parents did consistently dehumanized me.  i brought up gaslighting, how it's the thing which causes a person to doubt themselves, doubt their perceptions, and then it struck me - i have rarely if ever doubted myself mainly because they took away my 'self'.  there was no 'self' to feel guilty or ashamed or doubtful about.

a lot to process.  it feels like it fits, tho.  i haven't been able to relate to what many people here talk about.  but it also explains how, as i look back, i've garnished clues and cues on how to act, be, what to say from others, basically everything that goes into human being and relating.  i was truly unformed as a human, out in the world w/o a smidgeon of an idea of me - never had opinions, always seeing both sides of an argument, never stood for anything, fell for most everything.  i was truly 'dust in the wind.'

this is difficult to digest, but it all rings true.  there was no 'self', so i had nothing to place shame or blame on, had nothing to doubt.  weird concept.  my stomach is roiling now.  too much.

i've noticed my disturbance w/ all this new information/realizations has knocked me out of my socks.  i feel like i rambled a lot in my previous post, especially when responding to others' support, and i also discovered today that i wrote the wrong name in someone's journal.  please forgive me if i've said anything untoward, hurtful, or messed up.  thanks  :grouphug:

sitting w/ these new realizations, how they are concrete in how i've envisioned myself over the years has been truly difficult.  trying to define my self by how others spoke and acted in any situation, guessing at all the rest - especially in relationships - and looking for definition and touch from men regarding my womanhood - just floating from one situation to another nearly my entire life.

my D and i were watching a show that i was really enjoying when it turned out one of the actors decided to leave the show at a high point.  i felt anger at him for doing so because he was one of the main characters around whom the story was built.  i told my D the next day about my feelings, and she told me this was a big sign of me regaining my emotions.

i was struck by that, asked her to tell me more.  she said that now i know how she feels during these shows when she's gotten invested in a character and things go sideways.  i can't say how i felt about hearing that - i was more confused about it than anything - but i guess it's a good thing.  it was so different to me, so startling.

i'm being surprised by me on nearly a daily basis, either by discovering that i'm regaining some of my humanness, or the painful backstory that caused so much trauma in my life.  as someone here said lately, how different my life might have been, thru choices, perspective, perception, and self-knowledge.  it's rather mind-boggling.

the phrase from my T about my parents 'consistently dehumanizing' me has struck a major chord.  the idea of being unformed is kind of haunting me now, but it explains so much.  i'm waddling around in the midst of these realizations and understandings with disturbance.

 :hug: no wait... :bighug:

Thank you for helping me over in my journal. I didn't say much about how awful and in what ways I was feeling but your response showed how much you felt and understood the intensity of horrible shame I was feeling. You can't do that and not be a feeling human. Even as a trained therapist. That does not explain your empathy.

I wanted to comment yesterday but was unable to, about you telling your T you felt confused about the level of traumatization in the absence of overt physical or sexual abuse. I know you know this but it's hard to accept for ourselves. The insidious sometimes subtle psychological abuse and emotional abuse is what causes the most damage. It is fully pervasive and shaped us. It shaped our brains and nervous systems and it was every single moment of every day. Right now what I'm working through is the damage of an overt act but underlying that...the reason it happened, the reasons it is so painful to treat and process has almost nothing to do with that overt assault and almost everything to do with the twisted mess my parents made of my brain.

I don't want to throw another wrench in all you are managing but I suspect there is more overt trauma than is being acknowledged too. Things can be traumatizing even if they don't meet a definition of a crime. But even without that, the emotional abuse is insidious and highly damaging.

San,

It sounds like you're really moving forward. It's exciting, but I know it's also painful.

I'm not doing well right now, so I'm not going to comment too much. Just a little. I just want to agree with Armee's comment that being a trained therapist does not explain your empathy and kindness toward others. You are a gifted healer because you're a beautiful soul who also happened to have been trained as a therapist. The salt of the earth.

My therapist boldly states that those of us who feel the suffering and work through it ARE the healers of this world. Those who have found ways to distract and shield themselves from the suffering are part of the problem. They're letting it continue uncontrolled.

We're part of the cure. We're part of the love and connection in this world. We show it to each other on this forum every day. I can't tell you how many good things I've learned from you and the others on this forum. Healing is happening just because we are willing to share ourselves with each other.

I guess when you read up on all the most spiritual healers of all time, Buddha, Ghandi, Jesus, King Solomon, Mother Teresa, Etc, that they were not immune to suffering, but chose to face it head on, and even to fully digest it as an inescapable component of an ego-centric world. Their empathetic connection with the suffering of the world drove them into a sense of peace. Then they healed a whole bunch of other people. Maybe it's true:
   Our empathy IS the most powerful healing tool known to mankind.

I hope I don't sound too crazy with all this.

Just know that I'm thankful to have you as one of my online friends, and I hope that you're able to move forward with less pain. My therapist also always says "You can't gain more potency without feeling some anxiety." Each step forward in our healing has the potential to bring up a period of anxiety that we must work through. I guess, a total lack of anxiety is a sign of a total stall in our healing process.

Even if what I said sounds crazy, please accept this hug. I really hope things ease up for you soon.  :hug:

Hi San!

I just wanted to touch back on what you wrote a few days ago.  I've read in a few books now that emotional abuse is as bad, if not worse, than other form of abuse towards children.  Pain, threat, violation are all terrible and damaging and unthinkable and should never exist in this world, but the damage caused when your parents - the main people who you're supposed to be able to look to for support, reassurance, guidance, validation - deny you those critical foundational aspects is quite literally ground-shattering for our psyches.  The mental backflips we had to do as children just to reconcile their actions and get through our days was staggering, and explain a lot of what we're dealing with now.  Studies have shown that children go through trauma, but then have someone they can grieve with and help them process afterwards, generally come out the other side unscathed.  We didn't have that, and we're paying for it now.

Luckily, we all have each other on here  :hug:

Hope you have a wonderful week

I'm sorry san I haven't been on your Journal much, kind of a lot going on in my world rn but I am aware you are doing tons of work.

Quote from: Armee on January 19, 2023, 06:00:29 PM
...about you telling your T you felt confused about the level of traumatization in the absence of overt physical or sexual abuse. I know you know this but it's hard to accept for ourselves. The insidious sometimes subtle psychological abuse and emotional abuse is what causes the most damage. It is fully pervasive and shaped us. It shaped our brains and nervous systems and it was every single moment of every day. Right now what I'm working through is the damage of an overt act but underlying that...the reason it happened, the reasons it is so painful to treat and process has almost nothing to do with that overt assault and almost everything to do with the twisted mess my parents made of my brain.

:yeahthat:

Also a comment on letters to / communications with inner children: I can't promise "I'll always be there for you" because based on past experience I don't always manage. My T suggested that my inner c's might not even need that. The last one who popped up just needed to be told that it was OK to have feelings and that her feelings were OK, and then be asked if she needed anything. She wanted to come and sit on my lap, where I held her, and then she fell asleep. Some of the work on inner children is maybe a little prescriptive? Just because it worked for the authors of the most commonly read books on inner children and possibly works for 95% of readers doesn't mean it's the right thing for all of us. As with all therapy methods, adapt and change for client and self is the order of the day.  :hug: :hug:

Quote from: Blueberry on January 23, 2023, 09:45:42 AMSome of the work on inner children is maybe a little prescriptive? Just because it worked for the authors of the most commonly read books on inner children and possibly works for 95% of readers doesn't mean it's the right thing for all of us. As with all therapy methods, adapt and change for client and self is the order of the day.  :hug: :hug:

I completely agree with Blueberry. I think cptsd is a definite factor with this as well, and if things need to be adapted and changed as a result, that's perfectly fine.
:bighug: :bighug:

  :grouphug:

I completely agree with BB and Snowdrop. Especially where there are dissociative parts I don't think it fits well as a prescriptive approach, though used flexibly it probably has value. I don't even have a sense of an inner child, let alone the professional scientist I was not long ago.

But mostly just sending along hugs and a flashlight and warm blanket to the dark place all of us fall into.  :grouphug:

armee, PC, crackedice, blueberry, snowdrop, and an extra armee - thank you all for your care and kindness.

i've been such a wreck lately i haven't been able to come here.  again about D1 - 8th anniversary yesterday of NC -, my ex's b-day today,  financial stability worries, my D lost her second appeal for disability, i've never felt fear of this nature before even tho i've done a lot more w/ a lot less, but now i have to be here for my D, too. 

had therapy today, we flashed on what i was feeling like - the mime in the glass box.  i could see everything that was happening around me but felt trapped, no way out, couldn't help or do anything about it - but i had to stop.  during flashing i saw myself look thru the glass and curl up in a corner wanting to die.  i told my T i didn't have enough strength anymore to shatter the glass and get out.

i'm a wreck.  just staying alive day to day.

Oh, San. That trapped helpless feeling is the worst and you have too big a pile-on right now. I think I'd just want to curl up in a ball and ignore it all for awhile too. It's very hard to be ok when our kids are not OK and you have the reminder of this painful D1 anniversary colliding with difficult news for D2. I'm so sorry she lost that appeal. It's devastating and we are failing her and you as a society. I am so sorry. You deserve better. You have given and given.

Excuse me a moment, I'm going to bend down and pick up this rock. I think I could smash that glass if you want to be free. You could curl up in a ball covered in a mound of soft blankets in the warm sun until you can stand and walk away. But at least you wouldn't be trapped. I'll be here and can bust you out. But for now maybe that glass is keeping you safe and protected so I'm just going to press my hand up against it. You'll see the little condensation mark of my hand and know you aren't alone. And you'll know I know you are trying so hard to feel better and to be free of this pain, and that's what you are doing in there, in a little protective bubble. Waiting a little. Sending hugs and love and a pillow for your head.  :grouphug:

San,

I'm so touched by the stress levels you're in. I want to let you know I hurt a little with you because I know some of the pain your in, so by the empathy that we feel with each other, I'm connected to you and wish I could give you a realtime hug.

Our son1 has gone NC with us, and it hurts me, the dad, but it hurts my wife, his mom, so much more profoundly. A mother has a deeper connection to the children. Seeing the pain in her eyes hurts me more than what he's done to me personally.

I'm glad you had a therapy appointment yesterday. I know that, for me, these anniversaries of past tragedies are deeper pains than the financial woes of today. I hope that as the anniversaries start to slide into the past that you are able to better handle the stressors of today.

I'll stand with Armee and offer a big virtual hug. I'm no stranger to what you're feeling right now, so this hug has some real empathetic emotion in it.

:bighug:

Gentle hugs, dear San- That's a lot to pile on all at once. I'm putting a handprint on the glass too, waiting with a nice beverage and a blanket.

San, it's wild when so many things come at once and when that out of control feeling arises.  I am thinking of you.

armee, CF, PC, and rainy, thank you for your support and validation.  :hug: :hug: :hug:

i wrote some thoughts down in the creative section last nite, had to get them out of me, my mind was ready to burst, but what came out was that i'm afraid of breaking that glass box surrounding me cuz i'm scared the shards of reality will slash me to ribbons and i'll be worse off than if i just stay there in my little ball, arms around my knees,   

i wish i could do more.  a lot of this is also worrying about my D, things she's got going on that haven't happened yet that we wish would happen.  it's all too much right now.

It's OK to stay in there for now. I'm realizing how important it is to calm down our nervous system when things are feeling haywire. We need a rest and reset sometimes. Take your time. You'll come out stronger when it is time.

You're safe, San. I have blanket of care to put round your shoulders.
:bighug:

Quote from: Armee on January 26, 2023, 06:20:41 PM
It's OK to stay in there for now. I'm realizing how important it is to calm down our nervous system when things are feeling haywire. We need a rest and reset sometimes. Take your time. You'll come out stronger when it is time.

:yeahthat:  It sounds as if some part of you really knows what you need atm  :bighug: around the glass cuz maybe even the hug is too much, could be? Maybe EMS is in there with you though? Or your glass box with you in it is out on our Healing Porch?

Here to offer care.

rainy, blueberry, snowdrop and armee, your care is being absorbed like a sponge.  thank you. :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

last nite i nearly came here to write 'i need to be strong' over and over, a million times over.  it's the only thing on my mind now.

We've got you, dear San.
:grouphug: :bighug: :grouphug:

so grateful, snowdrop.  you all are helping keep that string from breaking. :hug:

We've got you, even if you don't manage to stay strong the whole time. You can rest, too. And feel weak. We're here.  :bighug: :grouphug:

 :grouphug:

Gentle hugs, san. We're here for you, strong or not, it's okay.  :hug:

blueberry, notalone, CF, i so appreciate your support and hugs.  they help me to hang on.   :hug: :hug: :hug:

i feel stiff and ramrod straight, too afraid to let any guard down. i have to stay strong.  it was so much easier in the past.  now it's an effort and i'm afraid.  i don't like feeling afraid. i'm wrapping my arms tightly around me so nothing gets loose.

 :bighug:

(((((((((((San)))))))))))

Ramrod straight sounds painful. And I know exactly what you are talking about. Trust your inner knowledge. If it's too painful to relax into it then don't. Eventually you'll be able to let one shoulder down and then another and slowly titrate the experience that you are holding at bay, one muscle at a time. Maybe it'll take weeks. I'd say that's ok, but it's not because I can see how much pain you are in, but it takes what it takes. I'm sorry you are afraid and in pain.

Dear SanMagic,
You are such a lovely person, and I can feel your need to be strong and your fear that if you're not strong, that it won't be good.  But honestly, I think you ARE strong in so many ways, and I hope that you'll feel safer, and that a protective bubble can keep you protected somehow.  I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense, I feel like my words are running away from me, and I'm not making sense.  The urge to delete is strong, but I won't.  I want to send you a big hug of protective support and hope that you feel your strength, because I know it's there, I've seen it in you many times here in this forum and feel it strongly. 

:bighug:
Hope  :)

armee, you know i love what you say to me.  thank you. :hug:

hope, your words made perfect sense - thanks for not deleting them. :hug:

the glass shattered today.  it was all about my D1, 20 yrs. of torture, too many emotions to grasp, and the shards caused such deep pain i can hardly bear it.  the past few nites i'd had dreams about being very mad at my D who was being unusually stubborn, resistant, and disrespectful, and about having to move to a new place to live.

i've transferred other people to take the place of D1 in dreams before, and i knew that's what was happening in these.  i woke up early this morning, couldn't get back to sleep, and my thoughts went straight to her, wondering if, as her mom, i should reach out one more time.  i knew in my head it was a bad idea, but my heart hurt for her, the pain she's been in so much of her life, and i finally broke down, asked my D to tell me it wouldn't make a difference.

she was forceful in her answer - absolutely not.  she reassured me that D1 is continuing doing the same things all this time, including looking for and unwisely spending money, and switching therapists each time one tells her something she doesn't want to hear.  she's been doing that since her teens.

yeah, i'm strong, hope, but this relationship w/ D1 has come the closest to breaking me more than once.  i ran to mex. for my life and sanity becuz of the situation w/ her, (and w/ my ex), and she tortured me over and over w/ her years of silence - always at her discretion - or her hurtful, painful, mean and nasty things she'd say and do to me, even while i'd be in the midst of helping her w/ her problems, what a horrible mother i am to both her and her sister, how it's my fault that my D is in denial, and vile name-calling..  i've almost lost my life twice because of her, and the only thing keeping me alive now is my DD, who has shown me a different way to have a daughter.

i'm in so much pain, so depressed, so down, so lacking energy.  i'm staying alive, and that feels like a mighty big accomplishment right now. thanks to everyone who has helped me here. wish i had enough in me to respond to others. grateful i have therapy tomorrow.

 :bighug:

I'm glad you are here San.  :grouphug:

As devastating as it is when it is as important a relationship as a mother to daughter, some people are simply too ill to be in relation with.

dear armee, just the right words again.  it really helped.  thank you.   :hug:

finally seeing a bit of sun thru the clouds and thunderstorms of my mind the past few . . . days? weeks? a month?  anyway, i wrote in a few journals, then just ran out of steam!  but i want to relay a little of what happened in therapy.

as i was talking about some of the 30-yr. long D1 stuff to my T (which also includes my ex for 40 yrs.  and icky L during the same time period for about 8 yrs), several times my T mentioned she didn't know how i've survived it all.  i said that i just kept doing what needed to be done.  i mentioned that my D's book will be ready for editing/proofreading soon (my job) and that i was nervous that my mind won't be right enough to catch and change mistakes.  my T replied 'well, it's a do what you can type of situation, isn't it?'

i said 'no.  i have to do it. (we don't have the money to hire someone else).  this has been the story of my life - i've been consistently in such situations of can/can't and i didn't let it apply to me until lately.  something like this, i shouldered the burden and just did it.  someone once told me i'm a flower cart pony who's been pulling the wagon of a draft horse.

i also said at one point, after i told her my D1 has tortured me for 30 or so years that sometimes i think i'm being dramatic or it really wasn't that bad (to use such a word as torture), and she quietly said, 'those sound like the words of your father.'  light bulb moment.  so that's where the ICr comes from!  it made total sense, i could hear it as if coming from him.  'don't be so . . .' or 'it's all in your mind' or 'what are you making such a big fuss about?'  those kinds of put downs of my 'self'.  it's come at me in so many different kinds of ways.

still, as i told her, i am so very tired of feeling miserable.  struggling thru these days lately has been more and more difficult.  thank the stars for all of you - it so helped to come here and see hugs and words of support and validation.  thank you all.

 :hug:

It's winter too. Make it through the winter and maybe things will be just a little less awful.

Hey San!

It's crazy how much the negative people in our younger lives somehow make it into our head and pop up at the worst times.  When spending time with my 'inner self' my inner critic showed up something fierce, and after writing it down I realized the same thing your therapist pointed out - I was parroting the terrible thoughts and feelings and phrases my parents used, against my inner self!  That realization is huge.

Hope you have a good week!

hey, armee, actually, no matter what the season i'd like to see things as being a little less awful.  where i live winter hasn't been so much a factor as summer has to my sense of well-being.  thank you so for your support. :hug:

Hi, C,  such a realization is definitely huge.  i'm glad you found that for yourself. :hug:

i'm skating on thin ice, but still on my skates.

Oh that's right. I forgot how much of a trigger heat is for you! And yes. It should be more than just a little less awful. You've certainly worked hard enough that you deserve nonstop euphoria honestly, not that that is ever practical but you certainly have put in enough work to surely have earned consistent inner peace. What the heck universe??? Give San a break already!

Gentle hugs, san. Totally resonate with the IC stuff, my critic totally has my abuser's voice sometimes. I also find the phrase, " i'm a flower cart pony who's been pulling the wagon of a draft horse." to be very compelling. It's so true, and it's so very hard to get rid of that harness and wagon.  We're with you as the work on un-hitching continues.

thanks so much, armee.  you brought a smile to my face!  :hug:

CF, i very much appreciate you being w/ me during this un-hitching.  thank you. :hug:

had therapy this morning.  my T took my worries, physical and financial, from me to keep them for me so i can get a break from some of this life.  also talked w/ my D, asked if we could refrain from talking about finances, barring great news or emergencies, until the end of the month.  she agreed.  i told her i need a break from all this, and we decided she also needs one, and we'll put those on hold at least thru the weekend.  sounds good to me.

Glad you were able to take those steps san and that D is agreeing to as well. That way you are not just looking for relief, you are actively taking steps to find it for yourself!  :cheer:

Also happy for you that your T is 'holding' your worries for you. It's been done for me in the past and I found it helpful.  :hug:

thanks, blueberry.  it is important we advocate for ourselves, ask for what we want, especially if it goes against what we've been taught.  i think it helps make new neural pathways, which makes the next time easier. :hug:

terrible nightmare last nite - murder and mayhem against my ex.  didn't find any relief (i often wish he was dead and believe it would make a difference in my mind cuz he wouldn't be interacting w/ my D anymore (ugh) )  but just horror at what had happened.  my meds were still on high gear, so every time i fell back asleep, i was pulled right back into it.  rough night as i kept waking myself up so as not to have to be in that environment anymore.

i haven't been able to consciously work on my NN lately - seems like more than a month since i've been able to focus on it - but i have seen instances where i've made myself seen by my folks, have demanded answers from them, and generally spoke up for myself.  the report card incident, i could see myself actually going to my dad w/ grades in my hand, and asking 'aren't you proud of me?"  that actually happened just now, and it felt really good.  i've waited my entire life for those words from him, and can see him beaming at me, giving me a kiss on the top of my head and pulling me into a warm hug of happiness.

oh, that felt really good.  that brings me to about 12.  making progress.  it does seem a little weird to picture myself speaking up to them, but i can feel it in my body that it's freeing, like something's loosening up inside me.  mind/body connection at its finest.

Those nightmares sound so distressing, San. I know I have had nightmares of being in similar positions or even worse and they just sit with you and haunt you for days. Just keep remembering it's normal to have had those nightmares and normal to be upset by them.  :grouphug:

Imagining you going to your parents with your report card in your NN made me smile so big. You have done tremendous work even if you had to take a break! 12!!!!!

Glad your T is holding some of your burdens for you and that D is willing to take a break from talking about finances.
You have my empathy about your nightmare. It's awful enough to have those, but to fall asleep and continue in the dream. . .ugh!

san, what is NN? I keep reading it in your posts and wondering?

Great work atm :cheer:

thanks, armee.  it's made me smile as well. to be able to picture me as a girl standing up to my folks, demanding to be seen and heard, telling them what i need and want is an absolutely amazing feeling.  and to be able to see them responding the way i needed puts the icing on that cake. :cake:
i'm so glad i decided to do this.  :hug:

hey notalone, yeah, just falling back into those dreams seems more terrible than having them in the first place.  not being able to let them go, returning to the scene, picking up where i left off so i'm actually expanding on the original nightmare . . . well, that's a nightmare in itself. thanks for your support and validation, :hug:

hi blueberry, NN became my shorthand for New Narrative - i'm re-writing my childhood in order to give my little me everything she needed from my folks starting from birth.  thanks for the support - much appreciated. :hug:

i quoted tennessee williams' blanche dubois (a streetcar named desire) the other day - 'i have always depended on the kindness of strangers' - and my D told me i was like that.  it's simmered in my brain since, and this morning i realized that's exactly what i've done most all my life.  floated from person to person, dependent on each for some cue/clue so as to help define my 'self'.  i've even told my D that i've used her for that, so this isn't just something from the past - i'm still needing it.

it's an interesting concept for me to wrap my head around.  being so clueless as to what my 'self' was about, what i should/shouldn't like/do/think/say/be - the list is endless.  but that's been me, an endless stream of unconsciousness.  by that i mean, i wasn't consciously aware of me because there was none.  this shakes my tum by writing it down, and a wave of sadness just flowed over me.

seeing my younger self in my NN is so completely different from the way it really was.  i have to think, even now, about what it was i needed, how i needed my parents to respond, what that was going to do for me, how it would affect me, etc.  it's like trudging thru thigh-high mud at times.  but being able to look into my mind and see myself smiling, feeling happy and free to be me at a young age is quite intense.  again, it explains so much, especially my overriding urge to feel free to express myself as i want.

my heart just broke for me.

i have to take a break from here.  everything is too much   :grouphug:

Take care San. Big hugs.
:bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

 :hug:

San I'll be thinking of you as you take care of yourself. Much love and warmth.  :grouphug:

Dear SanMagic,
Look after yourself, and know that we'll be here when you are able to come back here - sending you lots of love and care and support in the meantime  :hug: :hug: :hug:
Hope  :)

 :hug:

Take care. We'll still be here when you feel less overwhelmed.

 :grouphug: Love and tenderness to you, San.

Gentle hugs, san. Do what you need to for you, we can wait :)

completely overwhelmed, doc appt. this morning. thank you all for your support - someday i'll be able to be there for you again :grouphug:

 :hug:

You don't ever have to be here for us. Be here for you, when and if it feels helpful again.

Lots of love and support, San. You deserve to be cared for. I hope the doc appointment is ok.

We're here for you as you've been here many times for us  :grouphug:  Now it's your turn to be supported  :hug:

 :bighug:

 :bighug:

armee, blueberry, hope - those hugs were so wonderful to see.  thank you all so much for being in my corner for me.  you know, even as long as i've been here, which is 7 years, i still get sideswiped by the support given to me.  it's so appreciated.  much love, many hugs back :grouphug:

thought i'd get this down  while i can.  the dr. appt. went well - i did some emdr the day before, just wanting my fingers to not be so cold (i was hoping the veins in my hands would relax and allow the blood to flow thru more easily).  after i began, my mind didn't know quite what to do, so my heart stepped in and said it would pump harder.  i told my T i had to stop cuz i felt like this was going in the wrong direction (the last time i had my BP checked, it was very high and i was very anxious).

what happened then at the doc was miraculous to me. my BP was back down in the normal range for the first time in years and years, my oxygen intake was the highest it's been, and my lungs were clear.   it seems my brain did what it could to get me more relaxed so i would have more 'normal' readings.  i also got my referrals for a sleep study to see if i have sleep apnea, (i'm quite sure i've had it for a long, long time) and to a dermatologist to check out all my concerns riding rampant over my skin.

all in all, it was more than i could've hoped for.  yes, a  :cheer: is absolutely appropriate here. 

now that that anxiety is off the table, i've been plagued by intrusive thoughts each morning after i wake up that include my D1 and my ex.  i've gotten to doubting myself again about my parenting -  i made the mistake of reading one of her final emails where she accused me of all kinds of abuse towards her (no examples, tho), and how can i live w/ myself?  too awful, but it ripped the wound wide open again. i even put her back on my contact list in case  . . .  all the what if's come into play here.  what if she finally gets help? wants to start over? wants her mom back in her life?

ahhh, too much.  i yelled at my mind this morning 'STOP IT!' and got out of bed in order to distract myself.  it seemed like a good idea to write it here, maybe get it out of me.  hope so.  otherwise, i'm just scraping at that scab once again.  this is *.

Wow amazing communication with your body!!!!  :cheer:

:hug: those intrusive thoughts sound awful. Maybe they are happening now for a reason and perhaps you are getting closer to ready to face them head on - slowly - and put them to rest? Perhaps adding your D1 to your contacts was a way of putting it to rest, leaving your hands open and giving it to the universe. Rereading the email maybe seeing if there's anything left to be done...double checking one last time? I think in some ways perhaps these are signs of new strength?

San,

I feel the pain with your D1. Our oldest son, S1, has done the same thing with us. We have a lot of friends, and I'd say that more than half of the people we know have one son or daughter who has estranged without explanation. It's like an epidemic, and it's happening to a huge number of people.

My wife has finally stopped asking me if I've heard from S1. She's finally feeling ready to move on without him. She's not stuck in the trap of believing she needs to wait eternally by the door for his return.

The largest number of people who's children have done what your D1 and our S1 have done, did nothing to deserve it. My wife was the person who loved my son the most. My wife trusted him, listened to every word he said, respected him more than anyone else did. And she was the first person he estranged from. I stayed in his life for a while, but he eventually turned on me too. Each time I asked him why he hated his mom, he'd give me a completely different response. In most of the cases from our group of friends, the child's accusations are completely false--or greatly exaggerated. We do have a few friends who definitely deserved to lose the love of their kids, but those are rare. In most cases, our friends' kids are dealing badly with their own personal dramas. And BTW, as their social media contacts do the same with their own parents, it just makes estrangement "the thing to do" in their lives...everyone else is doing it. Right?

For us, we've decided to never respond to anyone's bridge-burner "letter of (fake) truth." We feel like if we respond, then we are making it worse. When someone launches a hate campaign against us, we like to let them own all the hate, all the anger, all the accusations. If we fight back, we end up getting sucked into being seen as the aggressors. In our own personal lives, Coco and I feel like if we don't respond to those accusations, then we allow the aggressors to live with what they wrote. No response means we didn't fight back, and maybe we aren't the problem here. It gives us a hope that if S1, or anyone else who writes those letters of accusation, will feel like they have the power to undo what they've done someday. And if not, if they're gone forever, then at least we don't have to worry that it was what we wrote in response.  That's just me. I don't pretend to know how to handle children who send these bridge-burners to us. I'm just saying it's happened to us and to a bunch of our friends and this is just how we found peace with it. Maybe it comes from an extremely popular meme from the 1970s when we were teens. People used to say this all the time: "If you love something, let it go. If it returns to you it is yours. If it flies away, it never was yours."  I guess, that's the sentiment I have. My S1 made a decision to burn the bridges. We made the decision to not burn back, but to keep the door open in case he ever decides to return.

I hope you find peace with your D1's bridge-burner. I'm very, very sorry she did that to you. I know how painful it is. I've seen my wife wallow in unresolved hope and self-torment for 8 years now. And she's just now finally done believing he's ever coming back. She'll never be okay with it, but she's finally not letting it hold her down anymore.

Here are two hugs: One from me and one from my wife (who doesn't know anything about me being on this forum, I just know that if she knew what you were dealing with, she'd want to send a hug too). This forum is my personal guilty pleasure. She will never know about it.

:hug: :hug:

San I too am so very sorry about the situation with your D and not knowing what you did to deserve the bridge burner. Utterly devastating and painful I know so sending many hugs your way.   :hug: 

We didn't get a message from our S but he did stop communicating with us for quite a while and would not respond when we asked what was going on.  It was horrible.  In the end we let him be, but reassured him that we loved him to leave the door open.  He is starting to communicate again.  In his case I think he just needed space and to make his own way in life.  We had been very involved parents because of the lack of love and care from our parents and I think it was just too much.  I don't know if your D will ever choose to re-engage but maybe in time if she knows you love her and the door is open. 

armee, PC, kizzie, thank you all for the support and thoughts.   :grouphug:


******************TW- sexual innuendos re: my daughters and their father***************************


another round of working on my ex - part of my intrusive thoughts - and today i was able to pin the word 'pervert' on him, which made me both sick feeling and disgusted.  i asked my T if that was the appropriate word for him, she said 'absolutely'.  getting into it, i went into a spiral of self-blame, shame, and failure to protect my daughters from such a man.  too many instances to get into, but they and the 'could have happened's' washed over me in such huge waves. my T locked him up again in his cage w/ icky L, cuz she's intertwined in this.

when i brought the first instance to her in couples therapy, she said 'that's inappropriate', and that was it.  didn't even meet his eyes, never looked further into it, never dug any deeper, even tho my D1 was only 7.  he'd made a lustful sound toward her one night, i smacked him and told him to cut it out, and next week at our session i brought it up.  'that's inappropriate' was all the help i was given.  since i was a newbie to the therapy game and she seemed like she had all the answers, i thought that would be it.

it wasn't, but today i realized that every time he pulled some stunt of his, whether it was lusting after my sis, girlfriends, rages, grossness, he was testing me, wearing me down.  several things i would call him on, like his road rage, and he'd stop the behavior when i was around.  but my D's would tell me how he'd resort to it when i wasn't around.

i couldn't protect my D's from this man.  i did what i could, but he'd go behind my back time and time again.  i didn't know this was going on until the girls were into high school and we'd been married over 10 yrs.  but there were so many subtle things he'd do, so nefarious and insidious and i was running around like a chicken w/o a head trying to put out the fires, make our family a happy one, and i kept failing over and over.

and even when i went to someone who was supposed to be a helper, she still didn't have my back.  there were other times she tried to blame me for his * proclivities - this was a therapist who claimed to be an addictions expert!  it wasn't until many years later, after i reported her to the state board, that i realized she was a sexually addicted misogynist herself!

i'm just typing, trying to rid myself of this filth that continually punctuates my thoughts. by the time he did something else inappropriate re: D1, i was already too worn down and exhausted to even get the word 'no' out of my mouth.  i see it as test after test, seeing how much i could take until i broke, and when i did, he played like he was confused that i didn't think our marriage was happy, and my D1 got so mad at me.  so i went to Mex.  i couldn't live around them anymore, even tho i continued a relationship business-wise w/ him until 7 yrs. ago. 


*******************end TW***********************

all that time i think i couldn't really believe what might be happening.  finally piecing it all together i can see what a sick man he is, how he not only abandoned me but created a partnership w/ D1 against me.  he didn't just let it happen, he encouraged it, adding his own crapola to hers. 

like my T says, she doesn't know how i've survived all this.  i have no happy memories of him after more than 40 yrs. of being part of his life. anything i think of concerning him is tainted in some way.  it's so deflating, so discouraging, so heart numbing.  i'm in a very dark place right now, just trying to stay sane.

San, I didn't read your TW, but still want you to know that I care and support you.

san, I read it rather cursorily so as not to get triggered. Recently you wrote unfortunately, we can't always catch everything every time in my Journal. I'd like to remind you of that here when you go into your spiral of self-blame. It was on your ex not on you.

Standing with you.

San, I read your post and feel the heaviness of that time and those experiences. 

Sending love and gentle but firm hugs. You are NOT responsible for how he behaved. HE is responsible. You tried. You tired you tried you tried. Yes he wore you down. It's part of the process they use. I'm sorry you suffered so much with him. It is abuse what you went through, dear San and I am so sorry for that.  :grouphug: :hug: and  :bighug:

San,

Thank you for sharing this difficult stuff with us. I can feel the frustration in it. Pervert is a good name for that x of yours. I stand with everyone else in support for you. You did nothing wrong. You were a wife and mother who tried to make it work. That shows that you are a person of stamina and love. The fact that he was a monster is all on him.  :hug:

i can't put into words how much everyone's support for me w/ this stuff meant to me.

notalone, i'm glad you took care of yourself by not reading it.  thank you so for your support and care.  :hug:

blueberry, i'm glad you took care of yourself, also.  thank you for giving my words back to me.  i would've never remembered them otherwise.  thanks for being with me. :hug:

rainy, when you wrote 'heaviness', it dawned on me just how heavy that burden was.  it's really no wonder, looking at it thru your words, that i broke.  thank you so much for that perspective. :hug:

armee, as always, you went to the heart of it. i thought of your words many times last nite, over and over, until i could get out of the 'but as their mother, it was my job to protect them' loop.  unfortunately, it was his job to protect them as well. yeah, wearing the other person down and eventually out is part of their process.  thank you again for your wisdom and support. :hug:

PC, your words brought tears to my eyes.  you hit something in me when you said he was a monster.  thank you for that.  it allowed some release that's part of my grieving, and it also showed me someone else's anger, which i so appreciate.  :hug:

bad nite last nite, couldn't get to sleep till nearly 4.  this stuff is so very disturbing.  putting names and descriptions to what happened, to him and his behaviors makes things much more solid for me,  i don't have an easy time calling things as they are - always feel i'm being dramatic - so it's very validating when others can do it for me.  i can't say how much i appreciate that.

once again, this place, you people, have helped me stay sane and let me know someone's got my back.  i've never had that in my life, except in possible spits and spurts (like hub1 sticking up for me when i was trying to get into college when i'd just moved to a new state).  even something like that felt so meaningful, i've kept it in my memory bank all these years. 

i'm going to keep processing this, and your words will help w/ that, cuz i'll be able to read them over and over.  at times like this, noting the impact others' words make on me, leads me to believe i'm still not fully formed, that i still need to help w/ my own definition of self thru the thoughts and feelings of others.  like my D, you help define me for me.  i cannot tell you how immeasurably grateful i am for that.

i know i'm rambling - there's so much going on inside me, so much gratitude, so much grief, so much realization - and i just made a frowny face at that last word.  realizing this stuff for what it actually was is a whole 'nother step.  i am sad for myself to the depths of my being.

Quote from: Armee on February 25, 2023, 05:44:31 AM
Sending love and gentle but firm hugs. You are NOT responsible for how he behaved. HE is responsible. You tried. You tried you tried you tried. Yes he wore you down. It's part of the process they use. I'm sorry you suffered so much with him. It is abuse what you went through, dear San and I am so sorry for that.  :grouphug: :hug: and  :bighug:

:yeahthat: Apt words from Armee. Good to repeat, I think.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on February 25, 2023, 06:03:07 PMi don't have an easy time calling things as they are - always feel i'm being dramatic - so it's very validating when others can do it for me.  i can't say how much i appreciate that.

I resonate with this and with how others in my life perceive my responses, reactions, etc.  I am grateful for our interdependence and how that can be supportive.  I hope a bit more sleep or rest comes tonight.

yep, blueberry, it was good to hear those words again.  thank you. :hug:

rainy, i'm grateful for the support also.  last nite's sleep was very good, thank you. :hug:

thinking over my past 2 posts, i feel like i was nearly hysterical, manic, hyper.  just pouring out the crapola makes me a little woozy.  i let it be, don't delete or edit, but i can tell the state of mind i was in only after the fact.  i feel calmer today and slept well last nite.  that always feels good. 

putting names to things makes them more concrete in my mind.  at the same time it feels scary somehow.  speaking the reality of situations and incidents, especially about my ex, sometimes feels like it's violating the husband-wife confidentiality code.  like i'm betraying him.  it's not so much now as when i first began putting these cards on the table, but i can still feel a little flutter of nervousness or anxiety when i call him out on his crapola here.

it's something i've pushed aside because i'm tired of living w/ his 'nice guy' image when it comes to him being a husband or father.  thankfully, i have had a couple girlfriends (down to 1 now) who know my truth, and my mex. hub, and they've been appropriately supportive.  letting those words out for the first time many years ago was a leap of faith.

looking back at my former 2 posts, that feeling still hasn't completely resolved.  maybe someday.  for now, getting used to the reality, putting names to things is enough of a leap.  it's difficult but not impossible.  and, actually, i feel more at peace about it after writing it here and getting such genuine responses from people.  i think that's a good thing to remember when we're feeling worthless (me included) is how much positive support and genuine care we've handed out to others like us.  isn't that something of worth? 

my gut reacted to that.  difficult, it seems.  it's like my T mind just gave me an assignment.  lol!  we'll see what happens.  ok, it just clicked for me - this is for when i'm feeling like i wasn't a good mother.  i've got to remember the positives, what i actually did w/ my girls that was pos.  i hear stuff from my D all the time about what i taught her, how i've been supporting her, how much i've changed for the better (which is something she admires in a person).  whew!  i feel myself being built up again.  nice.

 :bighug:

San,

I'm glad the responses from the kind people on this forum were helpful. I truly believe we are all stronger together.

I have one thought about your last comment about how you sometimes worry you weren't a good mother. Only a good mother would ask herself that question. Bad mothers, bad people in general, never question themselves. They blame all problems on someone else. So, asking yourself if you were a good mother is, for me, a sign that you were, in fact, a very good mother.

In fact, beyond mothering, being willing to ask yourself if you are good shows me that you're a good person all the way around.

:)

 :hug:

Naming things is really important, and in my experience the hardest part. Because it involves seeing things how they really were, not what we told ourselves to get through it. I shudder to imagine what you went through with that man. You were strong to keep it together and you are strong to shed some of that strength and let the gravity run through you. Little by little, let it drizzle out. There's an end to it, somewhere. I'm sorry I couldn't say more sooner. I deleted a lot of posts the other day.  :grouphug:

armee, thanks so much for that big hug!  beautiful!  and may i say you never have to apologize for what you've written or not written - i know your heart is with me.  i value you and your unending support.  :hug:

PC, i can't say how many times i've said nearly those exact same words to people, but it was wonderful to hear it for me from someone else.  thank you so much for that.  and thank you for your kind words about me.  it brought a smile to my face. :hug:

i'm going thru a series of brain blocks lately, which is not something i've experienced before.  i've forgotten words in the past, but this is different.  i'm saying a sentence, know which word is supposed to come next, but it's like a big block of ice suddenly shows itself and blocks that word from coming out.  it's the strangest feeling.  i don't like it - it feels like a new symptom of this trauma beast, a new toll on my mind which has been taken.  it scares me.

i'm quite panicky about it inside, let something slip to my D last nite after it happened again.  her mind hasn't been working all the time either lately due to stress, so she sloughed it off as something we both do, and she's not concerned.  the fact that this is a new thing for me is what worries me, but i didn't go into it.  she can't take care of me if i become infirm, and has told me she'd put me in a nice home if it ever got that bad.  so, i've got that hanging over me, sitting in its own little alcove in some corner of my brain for the past several years.

w/ my T yesterday, i spoke about having a rough time lately w/ pain/hurt coming up for me, especially during certain scenes in tv shows we watch.  the idea that i'm carrying all my pain is not new, but the feeling of it, the realization of how hurt i've been by how many people so many times is very new, and it sucks.  i see someone in a scene putting themselves out for someone else, and i can go straight to sobbing.  one good thing is that i can now direct it to myself and my experiences.

actually feeling the pain and the hurt (probably exacerbated by years of abuse heaped upon them in so many different ways) is nearly overwhelming, tho.  and i can barely function for a while afterwards, can't enjoy the show, can only work and struggle to get myself back together. all this has put me on overload, lots of anxiety, disossiation,  (here's an example - i can't remember how to spell this word, and i've tried 3 different ways) and just being in pain, heart aching, so much . . .

when i told my T about it, she suggested we do some emdr to tell my brain it's ok to open up, let this stuff out.  i immediately stiffened up, full body like a board, my head thrown back onto the back of my chair, my hips raised off the seat, my legs like planks.  i just started yelling 'no  no no'.  she immediately backed off, but it's given me the idea that my brain cannot be broken open like that but an outside force - it's breaking on its own and anything more would send me somewhere i don't want to think about.

we also talked about my lack of anger.  my D mentioned about couples fighting (we were watching a scene of this), how she's said things in anger just to hurt the other person, and i told her i really never had that experience.  she was pretty shocked.  i said i didn't get angry in that way, just absorbed, was patent and tolerant with/of other people's anger, so i never really had fights unless something boiled over and the pressure cooker blew open.

still, my being angry w/ someone and letting them know has usually ended up with me getting hurt very badly.  one exchange i told her about w/ hub#1 - i was mad about how he'd been treating me, said so, that 'you're treating me like ****' and he responded 'that's cuz you are' and walked away.  another, more recent relationship saw the same thing - i got angry about something, wrote it all down in a benign way, and the guy ended up deleting all my contacts, wouldn't answer my calls, left me wondering what the frick happened.  this has been most of my experience when i've gotten angry.  so i stopped.  plus, i've recently realized how very scared of my ex i was, cuz i'd seen the black rage enter his eyes if i expressed some kind of disapproval or asked a question too close to his nerve.

my T has been saying over the past several sessions how much abuse there's been, how many layers from so many different people, gender not mattering, relationship not mattering, family, friend, professional . . . and i'm opening up this can of worms and leeches and it's getting more difficult to deal w/ it from one day to the next.  keeping it all inside didn't work, either.  staying sane is my goal now, making it to tomorrow and waking up sane.  it's so frightening.

 :hug:

Hi San. It was a lot of abuse. Too much. What he said to you made my blood run cold, even many years and miles away.

I can't imagine how very terrifying it must feel to be inching closer to a time when independent living is a question.

I want to offer a potential slice of reassurance or maybe more like hope. At the very worst period of my triggering, during my mom's steep decline, I appeared to be in the throes of dementia in my early 40s. I really worried it was permanent. I went to the doctor I was so concerned.

There were times I put a kettle of water on the stove without any awareness and came back to the kitchen and wondered who in my house possibly would have started tea water. Certainly not me, as I stood with a fresh cup of coffee. Spoiler: It was me. Or when I could not find my way to the freeway entrance I had used for 20 years multiple times a week. Or the time I kept trying to say "french bread" but would say "french fries" instead but would not hear myself say the wrong thing. I would even slow down and intentionally say the right word very carefully only to be told I was still saying the wrong word, even though I was trying to say the right word and hearing the right word come out. It was scary and disturbing and I can't imagine how much more with worries of aging and living situations closer at hand.

But I did ease out of it as the stress subsided and sleep became just a little better.

I relate a lot to what you describe with your T. I feel a bit better knowing I can ask myself to only let a little out at a time for processing. For me I was trying to do that yesterday as I had a lot of resistance to letting any painful body memories surface because I don't want to feel that. But we talked through how I can just ask for a little bit to come through so I can process it just a little at a time. I don't need to let it all be there at once to process. Perhaps the same concept is there for you too. I know you already do this actually. But it was helpful for me to hear someone else say it. I had kind of forgotten it can work like that. I don't need to let it all rip through.

:hug:

I want so much for there to be relief for you soon.

I appreciated the image of our brains not wanting to be cracked open but to open in their own time.  I hope you continue to go at your own speed.  I'm also sorry about the word finding differences/blocks you are noticing.  I hope you find solutions or information about that is supportive.

armee, thanks so much for your experiences w/ this word selection thing.  so, yeah, stress - it's a miracle worker, isn't it, altho not in a pos. way.  and i appreciate the idea of asking my brain to only let out a little at a time.  reading that seemed to ping! in my mind, as if it would be doable.  i reacted so violently at the idea of stuff all coming out at once, i don't know if maybe that's not what my T said at all.  maybe she was saying what you're talking about.  anyway, i'll talk to her about it tomorrow.  thank you so. :hug:

hey, rainy, thanks for the encouragement about my own speed.  it helps reinforce that perspective for me. :hug:

well, another stressor got added to the mix yesterday - our rent is getting raised by over $100/mo. starting in june.  my D hasn't 'worked' in over a year, at least not on other's books, but she got some money from an investor that she's hoping, along w/ my retirement money, will fly our status as renters over the requirements needed.  but it's iffy, so we're on pins and noodles here.

hopefully, we'll be able to work the farmers markets and sell our books there, make some money that way.  i can proofread for people if there would be anyone who needs that service, but the question is how to get clients.  i have no connections, no social media, nothing reaching out to the outside world.  so, that's a bit of a stumbling block.  she's also going to see if she can get hired as a delivery service person, which wouldn't be too bad.  we'll see.

just one more rock on the pile that's slowly engulfing me.  when i heard about the rent, i immediately thought of running to mexico.  at least we wouldn't be homeless.  but, we can't move - we don't have the money for it, nor the energy.  i can only hope our angels are clicking into high gear.  all i could think yesterday is 'this is so unfair!  we're good people, we play by the rules, why is this happening to us?!'  i'm not usually an 'it's not fair' type of person, but this sent me into that space and it feels yucky.

i don't want to move, don't want to go thru the process of finding a place, can't even imagine doing it.  i got very 'hard' yesterday, like i could take this on, so i'm letting myself be soft here, but it's going to take some hardness to get thru this and i don't know how long i can keep that up w/o breaking under the strain.  i hate this crapola!!!

 :hug:

It's not fair.

thanks, armee.  just right.  :hug:

San, I'm sorry your rent is being raised. I hope you can find a way to stay. It's lousy that is happening.

You are going through so much. Sending love and hugs to you.  :grouphug:

Sending support, san   :hug: :hug:

thank you, notalone, for your support and validation.   :hug:

blueberry, i appreciate your support so much. :hug:

yesterday was a crash and burn day, and today i'm out of it.

 :bighug:

thanks, armee, for that big hug.  it was soothing and comforting. :hug:

just working on getting thru a day w/ my sanity intact.  my D started working for a delivery service yesterday and she said it went well.  i was napping, but otherwise i'll be going along w/ her.  yesterday i was so wiped out, i could barely function, so i took some meds and went to bed.  it was good. 

we've talked about what we'd do if we have to move.  mainly, we'd leave most everything behind, take our bare essentials.  i know we could move into my house in mex. but it wouldn't be ideal.  the heat.  my D thought of friends who would take us in.  i spent a lot of that day crying, smoking, and eating.  the dam had burst.  even tho i ran away to mex. at 53 w/ no plans, little money, nothing coming in, i never once felt afraid and unsettled like this.

Oh San, it's so scary and I wish you did not have this hanging over your head right now.  :hug:

I'm relieved to hear the delivery service work went OK for D the first day and hope that continues. I bet that extra work will make up the rent increase and then some but it's sad she needs to add this stress. I'm sorry San. Crying sounds right right now. I'll sit here and hold your hand and cry with you.

Quote from: sanmagic7 on March 04, 2023, 05:19:29 PM
  even tho i ran away to mex. at 53 w/ no plans, little money, nothing coming in, i never once felt afraid and unsettled like this.

Different time and different circumstances. My heart feels for you.

I am thinking of you San.

 :bighug:

Gentle hugs! Wishing you energy and peace.

San,

I'm thinking about you often, and about this difficult stressor you're dealing with. I hope the answer to the problem materializes soon, whether it's moving back to Mexico or finding a shared residence somewhere in the US.

:bighug:

thanks, armee, for your compassion. :hug:

notalone, you're absolutely correct.  when i was 53, i didn't care what happened to me except to get away.  now, as you said, totally different situation and circumstances.  thank you for reminding me.  :hug:

blueberry, loved that big hug - i felt it.  thanks. :hug:

CF, thanks.  i'll take them every day.  :hug:

PC, thanks for thinking of me. i know it's good vibes coming my way.  :hug:

well, this is page 25 of my journal, and i've made it a practice to start over at this point.  my next post will be there.  thanks to all of you for everything. :grouphug:  and, onward  . . . .