looking for relief

[Armee]

I hope it's OK floaty floaty in a boaty made me laugh and smile and if I can remember it I'm using it for myself.

I trust you and T will get through this. Of course there will be splinter pieces but all toward the gaining greater peace and access to good feelings too.

[sanmagic7]

almost T time. 

D and i discovered another safety issue we're facing every day - wondering if we're going to have to move from here next year.  we haven't finished either of our rooms in over a year, and we've kept boxes for our tech stuff which i see every day.  they are a reminder to me that we have to keep them in case we're forced to move again.  always in the back of my mind.  it was so traumatic this last time that right now we can't face the prospect.  it's a heavy weight.

my body's been acting up all over the place from the stress of the floating and overwhelm sitting on the horizon waiting to pounce.  ugh.

[CactusFlower]

gentle hugs, san, and wishing you energy as this happens.

[Armee]

 

With you. 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, CF.  much appreciated, especially that boost of energy.

those hugs were wonderful, armee.  thank you.

did some processing on my ex, and while i was thinking of him, the image of an atomic bomb explosion appeared in my mind, giving me a visual of the magnitude of the damage he did to me.  it turned into the wizard of oz scene of the little man behind the curtain, all blustery and scary to people but really just a pathetic lost little man.  i knew this about him, but upon reflection it's interesting to see how my mind's eye recognized it and him.

it helped take him down, tho, as a source of fear.  much of what i've been afraid of has been the emotions connected to him, afraid they'd overwhelm and overpower me, but i was able to list some, especially anger and fear, while i was processing, and i think it took away the enormity of the impact they might make on my mind if i were to feel them consciously.

we also worked on the other safety issue i've been submerged beneath, which is the fear of having to move again.  while processing that i was able to retrieve my faith in myself to deal w/ whatever happens.  that faith in me to get thru whatever life mite throw at me has been a staple throughout my life.  i think the lack of fear i've dealt with was replaced by this faith in myself, but i've noticed it slipping away several times now.  don't know exactly why - because i'm beginning to feel afraid?  i've been thru this aspect of my life too many times?  i'm worn out from it?  this energy has its limitations and i'm coming to the end of them?  ugh.

i've noticed, too, that i've had thoughts of contacting my ex best friend or my ex boyfriend, neither of whom made me feel safe.  i mentioned to my T that feeling unsafe seems to be my norm, if i look back over my life.  now that i'm tackling safety issues, am i feeling unsafe in that and want some of the more 'normal' version of feeling unsafe back into my life? 

so many questions.  this safety thing feels like a new concept to me, now that i can feel fear at times.  if i look back, alcohol soothed and smoothed a lot of that for me.  no wonder i loved it so much - best friend giving me confidence and courage i didn't know i didn't have.  it's a lot of years since that crutch has been gone and i'm now able to discover the fragile, sensitive, needy little girl i never knew.  she's got more heart and spirit than i ever realized.

[Blueberry]

san, I smiled reading about that little girl who has more heart and spirit than you ever realised. 

[Armee]

Your mind continues to absolutely AMAZE me! These images you get are so powerful.

That little girl WAS and IS heartful and spirited.  Fragile too and she has the right to be all those things. You've gone through so much...you, her...and you are truly now strong enough to let this vulnerable piece finally be able to just be. 

[CactusFlower]

hugs, san!  Yes, that girl is heartful and spirited. You're both just lovely flowers starting to bloom, with a tenacious hold on the earth.  Wishing you both peace and more joy.

[Hope67]

so many questions.  this safety thing feels like a new concept to me, now that i can feel fear at times.  if i look back, alcohol soothed and smoothed a lot of that for me.  no wonder i loved it so much - best friend giving me confidence and courage i didn't know i didn't have.  it's a lot of years since that crutch has been gone and i'm now able to discover the fragile, sensitive, needy little girl i never knew.  she's got more heart and spirit than i ever realized.

Hi SanMagic,
There is so much here that you've said that really shows how much you've been processing - and the fact you can 'feel fear at times' now - that is a big thing.  Discovering the fragile, sensitive, needy little girl - with her heart and spirit - she sounds amazing.  Thank you for sharing your awareness of her - I wanted to send you safe hugs to all parts of you that would like one 

Hope 

[sanmagic7]

thanks for sharing that, blueberry.   

armee, realizing over the past 2 weeks just how much i've gone thru w/ one man has nearly been overwhelming.  i can't begin to add any of the other stuff to it right now.  the idea that he stood back and watched me stumble over and over (once for real, too) never lending a hand or giving me a warning, well it's so very disturbing to me now.  thank you for your ongoing support.

CF, it certainly has been a tenacious hold on the earth.  when i look back i can almost feel it being that way.  thanks for the validation.

hey, hope, you put into my consciousness the staggering amount of what i've been processing lately, and it's been only about one man.  thank you for your hugs - i can't imagine any part of me that doesn't want one.   

it's been a trying and turbulent few days.  i've been feeling disturbed inside w/ no understanding or resolution, except i think i may have so many emotions inside that have been roiled up by my processing last week, they're all in ther just out of my reach.  some kind of coven of emotions dancing around a fire, whooping and hollering but never really allowing themselves to be known.  still, i'm feeling it in an awful way.

i did name 2 emotions during processing last week - anger and fear - that relate to him, but i never really felt them.  i'm acknowledging they're probably there inside me, wreaking havoc on my insides.  i can guess there might be disgust, humiliation, sadness, hurt, pain, and i don't know what else - that's as far as my brain can go w/ the emotions thing.  i've eaten my way thru calming myself at night, extra meds and cigs - one night i thought of something i've never thought of before - SH.

that was scary to me.  i'd never had an urge to do something like that before, but i think it came from all these feelings inside (add frustration).  i pulled myself back from that brink, but it was frightening to know the urge was even there.  i have T this morning, hoping to be able to sort myself out.  too much pain and disturbance.  i don't like it.

[Bach]

Thinking of you, san 

[Armee]

 

Hey San. I've been there. It's really scary to have that thought for the first time especially when it's been a forbidden thought for so long. It makes perfect sense that feeling would come up now when you are having what you described perfectly as a coven of emotions standing around a fire whooping and hollering in the dark.

I know that feeling well. It IS a wild unruly mix of emotions...a mob really. It acts like a mob too there are a lot of individuals but they behave as one unruly group such that they really are no longer individual emotions..they turn into one super emotion made up of all the big "bad" ones.

When I would have to describe this to my own therapist after another insanity making encounter with my mom I would have to describe it as "my exploding ball of ickiness" because individually naming them all did not really cut it. When they are all there exploding, whooping at once, it's a whole different feeling. It's too much. It's too much to feel, too much to tackle.

No wonder your mind thought of self harm. That you made it all this way without letting that thought in before shows both how very strong you are and how very powerful this mix of emotions is. This is the same storm that would give me those awful feelings too.

Its ok to see and acknowledge that feeling of wanting to do anything to manage the coven. It's OK to just say thank you to that thought, I see you, it does feel that bad, but I have other ways to cope so I don't need to do that. Traditional self harm and thoughts of dying have been very very forbidden to me so i kept them at bay unheard for a long time. When they started bursting through unbidden it was really scary.  I'm with you and I know you've got this. You don't have to do anything about those thoughts they can just come and go. Just acknowledge it is that bad.

That crazy mix of emotions are so confusing it's hard to know what to do with them. As you can, if you can, maybe you can freeze frame one from the coven, call it over and talk to it, separate it from the crowd like you did naming some of them already. Slowly peel off one and then another from the wild mob around the fire until they are each separate individuals again, unruly maybe but without that imob mentality.

I'm sorry this man did so much damage and let you fall over and over. He's a bad person. YOU have a heart of gold. You are sitting here wrapping me in a warm blanket reading me a story while you go through all that suffering yourself. How is that humanly possible? But I'm here and I've got you too. You aren't going to fall. You're bending.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing your experience.  I resonate with the presence of feelings that express themselves in complicated ways inside our bodies. 

[sanmagic7]

bach, thanks so much.  it meant a lot.

hey, armee, so glad you've got me - i've needed it and it felt really good.  the idea that 'it is that bad' clicked w/ me in a visceral way.  thanks for naming it in such a way.  it helps so much to be validated by someone else that i'm not just making a mountain out of a molehill.  and you're right - the idea that such a thought came into my mind (i could picture it, too) shows what a tremendous toll this has taken on me.  more than i could imagine.

how was it possible?  as a therapist, i'd often have to switch gears from what was going on at home to taking care of my clients.  and thank you so for your kind words.

rainy, yeah, physical manifestations of emotional or mental processes.  it's got to come out somewhere, right?   

therapy was interesting.  so far, so good as to the results.  it began w/ me telling my T about how turbulent my weekend was since i'd talked to her (my D1's birthday was also last fri.  my D and i didn't acknowledge it out loud.  kind of eerie, but it's been nearly 8 yrs. since i've had any contact w/ her.  so sad in my heart)  after tossing around a few possibilities as to where to start, i told her that since it felt good to list those 2 emotions during the flash technique, i'd like to do that again w/ the rest of them.

this, essentially, was a guessing game.  i can't really feel much more than a glimmer of anything regarding him besides the fear/anger, but i guessed at what feelings/emotions might normally fit w/ any scenario including him.  so, as we proceeded to flash, i listed such emotional elements as humiliation, frustration, confusion, decisiveness (i was the one making all the decisions for the family, including anything to do with accountability for both him and the girls) and several others i can't think of right now.

after flashing one time, we did it again and my T added 'shock' (as it turns out i was shocked by him several times in many different ways - financially, about our D's, what he would not do to save them if needed, his nighttime activity, etc) and that time my mind got highjacked a bit by thinking of my D.  third time was a hit, tho.

i saw myself holding this list and deciding to get rid of it.  first i crumpled up the paper, but that didn't feel strong enough, so i decided fire would be the only thing big and bold enough to rid myself of this.  at that thought i found myself in a life preserver in the middle of a sea, lighter and paper in hand.  as i began flicking the lighter, i noticed the sea was made up of oil.  i know what would happen if i tossed a burning paper into it but my mind became very clear and i didn't care that i would be blown up.  and that's what happened.

afterwards, everything felt quiet and i looked into the life preserver, and there on the seat was a tiny being, all white, about the size of a hardball, moving slightly.  what came to mind next was the image of the phoenix in 'harry potter', and how after it burst into flames there was this tiny baby bird, alive, but needing to take the time and energy to grow up again.

and that's where i think i landed.  my T thought it sounded exhausting to remake myself, but in actuality it felt liberating, a sense of freedom from this dark trauma under which i've been held down, trapped, suffocating and drowning.  it's as if i've set myself free and as i checked on that little one today, it's still there, possibly a bit bigger, still moving around.  it may be that i had to destroy this old version of myself in order to make a break from all that's been holding me down for so long.

i'm still feeling ok, a little bit of the unknown, but not so weighted down by darkness.  i also believe i saw this happen the day before - as i was cleaning in the kitchen, a black shadowy something, quite large, passed from my right side to my left, behind me, and melted itself down the hallway toward the door to the outside.  death and rebirth.  a portent of what i needed to do.  so far, it's all good, even tho it seems like there are dark undertones.  right now i look at this little white bunch of being and see it as a fetus, but this time my mother is not smoking while she's pregnant w/ me.

[paul72]

Wow sanmagic, such powerful imagery.
As you remake yourself, i hope you stay unburdened by the heavy weight of darkness.
Sending mounds of support and encouragement your way.