looking for relief

[Blueberry]

 

Explains a lot for me too. Autonomy still not permitted by FOO, autonomy in my case leads to exclusion.
  san you're going through a lot. You're making big strides too. Having stages 1 and 2 strong and stable is great, good job! 

btw I really like the title of your journal: looking for relief. Everytime I see it I think: "Aren't we all?" But you were wise enough to know that's what you're looking for at this stage.

[sanmagic7]

CF, thanks for all that validation and support.  this has caused so much progress for me, more than i could've hoped for.  if you find it helpful, i hope you can find your way to doing something similar for yourself.  it's answering a lot of questions, clearing up a lot of murky water.

blueberry, yeah, your situation is still tough, and understandable why autonomy is a struggle for you.  and thank you for all the support, those lovely big hugs bringing me in, and your validation, along w/ your kind words. 

another topic i'd begun working on was food/eating issues.  when i mentioned that to my T yesterday, it suddenly struck me that so much of the food thing is wrapped up w/ the unformed me - too many 'clean your plate' or 'starving children in china' or 'don't waste food' (akin to sinful) messages.  there was no leeway given for individual portion size, tummy size, or dislike of the food presented. 

i realized that by this time in my NN, i would be able to say 'no more' when i was full, and it would've been accepted by my folks w/o guilt or coercion.  that's a powerful message for me, and altho it won't happen overnite, i can see how this new way of thinking about myself will make a difference.  yesterday i was more mindful in my eating, and it felt ok as well as helpful.

so, in my mind, i am happily on my way to being 5 yrs. old, enjoying myself as me, full emotions (what a concept!) that are accepted and addressed in a thoughtful, caring way.  i'm also getting lots of hugs by these different parents, something that made a huge impact on my life as an adult.  for a long time i didn't realize i was touch deprived.  i know that in the bars i often flung an arm around friends, and was always a hugger.  many times i traded my body for touch.

icky L (the bad therapist) once told me that my hugging, arm flinging gestures were a means to continue giving others what they wanted.  on the contrary, it was to give to myself something i needed.  touch of any kind by any means was sought after wherever i went.  i remember going to bars w/ girlfriends and feeling bereft (i can now name that - at the time i just felt overly distressed) if no guy asked me to dance.  it was more than disappointed - it was feeling the lack of something i sorely needed.

so, things are being sorted out as i continue w/ this narrative.  when i look into my mind's eye, i can see my cute little self being goofy and funny and silly w/ no recriminations.  i can see my posture as good.  i mentioned the concave feeling i got while writing about this yesterday during session, and how it must've already begun (my hunched-over posture) while i was that young.  as we sorted thru all this, the concave feeling left and it's still gone.  my back is already bent from this posture, but i can feel my shoulders be able to relax more often than usual, so that's good.

it's weird to see that little girl being so free, so curious, so exploratory w/o fear of incrimination, denial (except for family and household boundaries) or denouncement (just came up w/ that word - it was going to be dismissal).  denouncement - that's pretty heavy.  (just looked it up, it means to condemn openly as being wrong).  no wonder my shoulders started moving forward - that's too much weight for a 4-yr. old to be bearing.

tired now.

[rainydiary]

So much processing, I hope it continues to be meaningful.  I am resonating with the food comment - it is such another way we are taught to ignore what our bodies are telling us. 

[Armee]

Truly inspiring work you are doing, San. Transformative. I'm inspired that you can rewrite the narrative in a way that gives witness to the truth  while reparenting yourself. It doesn't sweep things under the rug, it looks them full in the eye and redoes it. It is full frontal truth 

[CactusFlower]

Strong stuff there.  I totally feel you on that food issue, so I hope the NN helps that. Here with gentle hugs if you want them, and for new little you too.   

[sanmagic7]

rainy, armee, CF, thank you all.

i've been down and out for nearly a week, and now my eye is bothering me again, thinking i need to go back to the eye doc, lots of pain, got a homemade patch over it )yarrrgh, me hearties!) .  ugh, stress!!!

[Bach]

Thinking of you and sending love.  I'm a mess and have no words, but I have that 

[Armee]

 

Sitting with you San. Pain Sucks. Love to you beautiful princess queen. 

[rainydiary]

I hope you get to the bottom of the pain.

[CactusFlower]

wishing you healing and the easing of pain, san. Gentle hugs if you want them.

[sanmagic7]

bach, truly wonderful.  thank you so for that, even while you're a mess.

thanks, armee.  you brought a smile to my heart! 

thank you, rainy.  i saw the doc yesterday, and she did put a name on what was wrong, but i can't remember it.  still, it's a real thing w/ my eye, and i'm on medicine drops 4x/day for a week, and have to use fake tear drops 2x/day for the rest of my life.  it's some weird condition where the cells don't form right over the cornea after an injury (i stuck a finger in my eye by mistake a few years ago, and the cells decided not to heal correctly.  sucks.)  still, at least i know now what's going on, and what i can do to help.

always in the mood for hugs, CF.  thank you.  the pain has eased, thank goodness, and the healing is in process.

i've been in a lot of pain for a lot of my life, but this eye thing was a whole different animal.  yesterday i truly felt like i was going insane.  it was one of the worst feelings i've ever had - i could feel my sanity slipping.  don't know why it hit me like that this time, but it's still scary to think about it.  at any rate, i have some relief today - the doc said it would take a few days to heal and i've got antibiotics to put in for a week, plus fake tears to add for my lifetime. 

unfortunately, yesterday took a whole lot out of me.  i wanted to work more on my NN before i talk w/ my T tomorrow, see if i can get thru the next stage to 5 yrs. old.  we'll see today.  i don't have far to go and i have a specific image of when i'm 5 that i need to redirect/recreate.  plus, i began school just before i was 5, and school's going to bring in a whole lot of issues that i don't dare think of right now.  they kinda whooshed thru my head too fast to stick, which is a good thing.

anyway, i just re-looked at the development stages and saw a description i hadn't seen before.  in this table, it shows the outcome if the stage is completed correctly.  the first, trust vs mistrust centers around feeding, and the outcome is hope.  that struck a chord w/ me as hope is something i have little to no experience w/, not in a visceral sense.  i can say things like 'i hope it doesn't rain', stuff like that, but feeling hope, nope.  instead of hope i had faith in myself. 

i've had that sor a long time - whatever happens, i have faith i'll deal with it.  but an unswerving hope for the future of anything was beyond my grasp. i was quite involved in church for quite a few years, served on council, taught sunday school, helped run pageants, sang in the choir, but i never got a sense of hope from any of that, either. (i know religion provides hope for many, i just never got it).  i don't feel hope to this day.  as far as feeding goes, i know my mom had to stop nursing me after a few weeks, and i also know i was a picky eater.

it makes sense, tho, that feeding/being fed, knowing that basic need will be met could garner hope.  i don't know what happened there at that time in my life, and maybe it came afterward where 'hope' was crashed w/in me, but i can't remember a time when i felt hope.

this table also gave me more insight into the second stage, that of autonomy vs. shame and doubt.  it's centered around toilet training, and produces 'will'.  i looked that up, and it was interesting to me.  deliberately choosing a direction or course of action.  just writing this brought tears to my eyes.  i don't think i was allowed freedom of choice.  i certainly floated thru a lot of my life, leaving myself open to where the winds of life took me.  my choices were probably nixed, and the choices of my parents put in their place. 

since i was raised to have no will of my own, the idea of shame and doubt probably played a big part in my life, to the extent that confusion reigned supreme for me.  i'm feeling sick to my stomach right now, think of that bright, vivacious little girl who was not allowed to be who she was, so it makes sense to me that i always wondered what to do or say.  i desperately wanted friends but rarely had any - i didn't do well socially.

too depressing.  gotta go now.

[Armee]

Wow those things make so much sense, about hope being tied to having your most basic need met when you are dependent on someone else. And especially the part about shame and will and how that floaty feeling with no anchor you've felt so much how that relates to that stage of life when you were shamed. Now that vivacious girl gets to break free and be herself. Too bad it's 75 years in but she gets to run free and beautiful now.

That pain sounds unreal and soul crushing. I will be reading - hopefully, full of hope that is - that the antibiotics help reduce the pain quickly. It is a relief to know the pain has a biological cause and a name and is real and recognized by your doctor and hopefully an effective treatment to prevent the worst pain.

Wrapping you up in a gentle hug to keep the pressure on your eye low. 

[sanmagic7]

armee, thank you for your unwavering kindness.  so appreciated.

i've been able to work thru my life now till about 5 or so, getting thru a traumatic incident at the age of 4-5 - initiative vs. guilt.  the major task here is exploration w/ the desired outcome being having a sense of purpose.  this morning i worked on this incident in greater depth, but i'm too unsettled right now to write about it.  in short, i realized my mother was incapable of nurturing me and had to make a substitute for her cuz i couldn't get an image of her doing anything close to what i needed.

one important realization was that i actually felt fear - this may have been the only time in my life (until a few years ago) that i can consciously acknowledge that feeling.

ok, too sad.  more later.

[rainydiary]

San, I appreciate you sharing about your exploration here.  I have a lot of images coming to mind of realizing a parent isn't nurturing in the way we need.  I hope you find ways to care for yourself as you unravel all of this.

[Armee]