looking for relief

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
I'm so sorry to hear that you've had a painful eye, it's so zapping of energy to have pain, and I really hope that you can get some relief from it.  Sending you a heartfelt hug of support  and hoping that the weekend is kind to you. 

Hope 

[Armee]

 

I'm so sorry, San. It's terrible to do all the right things but still have the pain. Take it easy. I'll be thinking of you. Sending love and care and gentle gentle hugs.

[sanmagic7]

thank you, hope.  it's nice to have you back again - i've missed you.

thanks, armee.  luckily, i kept shoving eye drops into it and it got better by late afternoon.  still, it adds to my pile of what may come up on any given day and how i'm going to have to suffer thru it.  ugh!

my anxiety has been on the rise lately and i think i was able to corner it last nite and make sense out of it - financial worries.  i've been pretty poor all my life, have been homeless for a couple weeks at one point, batted away bill collectors on a daily basis during my first marriage, and lived quite poorly w/ my ex cuz he robbed our family of money due to his porn addiction, but for whatever reason i always dealt w/ it.  maybe i was still too frozen (thank heavens) emotionally to show any fear, feel any fear, but i'm feeling it now.  i hate even talking about it.

my D takes care of our finances, and she's told me that we're good to go thru next month, when she should be getting enough money to last another 3 months.  if she doesn't get disability, she'll have to go back to work, and that hasn't worked well for her in the past.  ack!  i'm just spewing here, but am close to tears living w/ this fear now.  i've been feeling frightened for 3 days and it's just horrible.  plus, w/ the cost of living bump for soc. sec., i got knocked out of being eligible for help on meds. 

feeling scared is so new to me, and it's so awful to feel it.  i'm so tired of living like this.  i work really hard to make it to the next day even when all i want to do is lay down and rest.  and my T got sick so i missed a session on fri.  feeling very unstable and hope she's around for our tues. appt.  i can't distract myself enough at night now, which is also scary to me.  ugh!!!  caught in a whirlwind of not being able to see the sun on the horizon right now.

[Armee]

 

Those are very reasonable fears that would keep anyone up at night.

I am so angry that a cost of living bump in social security resulted in you becoming ineligible for medication cost support. Uuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!! Our country is so messed up!

I'm keeping many fingers crossed for disability for your daughter.

And some warm reassuring hugs are here waiting when the anxiety strikes.

[Blueberry]

   Those are very real and as Armee says reasonable fears.

plus, w/ the cost of living bump for soc. sec., i got knocked out of being eligible for help on meds  Unfortunately something similarily stupid prevents me getting rent subsidy, but different country, different problem. I understand how maddening it is though.

Keeping my fingers crossed for disability for your d and wishes for a wonder over Christmas in some form or other. 

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you as you navigate these days.  Financial stress and uncertainty are scary and I hope you continue to find what is supportive to you.

[sanmagic7]

armee, the thought of hugs when the anxiety hits is wonderful.  unfortunately, when it hit last nite, i never remembered the hugs.  i wish i would have, and hopefully will next time around.  thank you so.

thanks you, blueberry, for that embracing hug - felt really lovely.  sorry you have gov't subsidy woes, too - it certainly does stink. 

thanks for thinking of me rainy - so appreciated. 

tension in my body continues to mount.  this morning i could barely move my limbs smoothly - must've slept very tightened up.  anxiety attack last nite.  i did talk to my D about my fears and finances, she reassured me we're ok for several months.  after that, who knows?  my only backup plan is to return to mex.  not ideal but at least not homeless.  pain in my gut writing that.

thoughts about the choices i've made and how much i didn't provide for my D to have a life w/ less struggles.  i've had to shoo them away - i can't take that on now.  shoo shoo shoo.

and, of course, w/ the holiday season comes thoughts of D1.  too many thoughts, and a pain in my heart.

[Armee]

 

I can't imagine that pain you feel around the holidays about your daughter. I mean I'm imagining just a taste of it and it hurts.  The pain is a sign of your love ❤.

Wishing you relief from the tension and worries.

You did take care of your D. You have both survived, too. Together. You've done good, San, despite difficult circumstances and partners.

Now come on in...

[CactusFlower]

Gentle hugs and just sitting with you, san. This is often a hard time of year and at least here, you are in understanding company. hands over favorite warm beverage

[rainydiary]

San, I keep writing and erasing my words.  They don't seem to quite fit so I will say I am thinking of you and sending you care.

[Bach]

Thinking of you, san 

[Armee]

 

Big hug to you today and a gentle arm around the shoulder if that is comforting. I have something for you. I'm making it. I know I won't ever get to give it to you because anonymity is important for safety, but I've thought about who it is for. And it is yours.

It's a beautiful wrap I'm crocheting. The name of the pattern is Cielito Lindo. I've made every stitch as I've tried to recover the past few months, all the hours I couldn't do anything but sit and stare and make a stitch or two. You've been here for me through this telling me over and over what I need to hear and never tiring of it. So please imagine me wrapping you up in it. You are a good, loving soul.

[sanmagic7]

armee, i finally felt the pain yesterday and it's brutal.  i've spent 2 days crying, grieving (i think) for the loss of D1, and so much else.  i'm worn out, weary, yet i can't sleep tonite. thank you for bringing the idea of pain to the fore for me - i hadn't thought of it before, certainly didn't know it was there until you nudged it out from under my defenses.  thank you for that.

CF, thank you for your compassion and support.   

rainy, i appreciate your thoughts and care.  i really do.  thank you.

thank you, bach, for thinking of me.  it felt important to know this.   

armee, i can't tell you what you've done for me, how you've made me feel.  not enough words.  cielito lindo - i looked it up.  what a beautiful treasure.  i won't forget it.  thank you so very much.  know that my spirit is now in that work of art.   

crying for 2 days has taken it out of me.  it's late, i'm not sleepy, everything inside is disturbed, yet released thru toxic tears.  it will take a while to settle.  i'm bereft of feeling right now - there have been too many in the past few days, and they've seemingly torn me apart.  i'm heavy in my soul and my brain isn't functioning correctly, like i'm somewhere somehow elsewhere.

so much of my faith in myself to deal w/ whatever comes along feels deadened.  i looked up the idea of possibly getting an agent for my memoir, 'crutches', but they talked about having already sold 1000's of copies on my own, having a large presence on soc, media, and garnering attention via book signings, appearances, etc. for promotion purposes.  i realized i do not have any of that, am not able to travel, and am simply out of energy for anything coming near to what's being asked of an author.  it was overwhelming.

i'm also coming to grips w/ the idea that i'll never drive again, which is a huge blow to accept.  i also know i could never live on my own again.  all these feelings of loss of my freedom and independence have hit me hard.  dylan's song comes to mind 'it's not dark yet, but it's getting there.'  he wrote that many decades ago, and i feel like i've been pushing that 'dark' back for so much of my life, but it's getting more difficult and i'm being chipped away at, which is also depleting my strength to keep at it. 

dang depressing. 

[milkandhoney11]

Sanmagic,
I am so sorry to hear about all the things going on in your life right now. I know how exhausting it is to keep pushing the dark away day after day and I am really feeling for you. I wished I could do anything to shine a little light into the darkness or give you the strength to keep pushing...
Things may be tough right now and the crying may have depleted much of your energy but I hope things will get better and you will be able to regain some of your hope and strength.
It's sad you are having such difficulties trying to find an agent for your memoir. Stories like yours deserve to be heard and I think it would provide a lot of help and understanding for people with Cptsd etc.
Have you thought about self-publishing it somehow? I've published a couple of books via amazon and I have found the process quite simple and straight-forward, so this might be an option for you?

[Armee]

I am so sorry the pain is so deep. It is there though so at least it is getting out a little. 2 days of crying.....for someone who has held it in...that's like crying for 2 months straight, really!!!!!

Good grief! That publicist's requirements!!! How will we ever hear the voices of so many different types of people if that's what it takes?

The loss of freedom and independence  I can't even begin to imagine how terrifying and imprisoning that stage is.

Hang in there San. You've made it this far. You have peace in your surroundings. You have a daughter who wants to take care of you. You've survived so much. Fill your day with the things that bring you comfort and joy. You deserve the rest and joy now.