looking for relief

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
Sending you a big hug  if that's ok, and am thinking of you and hoping that you know how much you are cared about by people here and people in your life.  I believe that whole-heartedly and hope you do too. 
Hope 

[CactusFlower]

With you, dear San, as you process all this. I've heard the same about my memoir. I do know there's always the option to self-publish compared to the traditional route. I might even end up doing that anyway. It's so important that our stories be told, be available to others. As long as you choose to have an ISBN number when you self-publish, bookstores and libraries can find the book with that. Gentle hugs if you want them, fellow author!

[sanmagic7]

M&H, your support helped a lot.  thank you so for that.  i do have one non-fiction self-help book already self-published, so i know about going that route.  an author friend of my D's suggested, after reading the first chapter a while ago, that i should get an agent cuz she loved the writing in it.  so, i was just kind of playing around w/ the idea but it turned out to be daunting.  my D is my editor and publisher normally - she's been struggling lately, and for quite a while so just hasn't gotten to my stuff yet.  we'll see, but thanks for the suggestion.

hey, armee, you are one of the things that brings me comfort and joy!  thank you for all your support and encouragement.

hi, hope, good to hear from you.  and, yes, i know i'm cared about but i appreciate the reminder.  it's always good to just soak in that thought.

thanks, CF.  my D takes care of my publishing, so i think i was just getting antsy waiting for her to get back on track.  thanks for the suggestion, and the encouragement. 

this memoir i'm talking about has to do w/ the first 3 mos. after i moved to mexico when i was 53, $6000 to my name and no other resources.  i basically ran away from home.  then i re-met a friend who was in rehab for the second time and we spent hours and hours talking during several weeks.  being an addictions counselor, i kept watch over him w/ both personal and professional eyes and he was there for me on the bad days.  in short, we saved each other's lives.  it's both a recovery (from 2 different angles) and a love story.

i've been struggling the past week or so, about D1 and what happened.  i discovered an email that i read to my T, and she was appalled at what my D1 had written to and about me.  so, that stirred up quite a bit of distress, and i've been working the past few days, using eye movements at times, to put that back in the hole where it belongs.

unfortunately, this has sapped all my energy and i haven't been able to make any progress on my NN recently.  when i explained to my T why i thought it was best to rewrite this script from the perspective of having my parents act differently instead of me standing up for myself, she agreed that it made sense.  this is a much more tedious and specific project than i expected.  so many details simply pop up that i hadn't thought about in ages, and each and every one needs to be addressed and resolved.

still, i'm looking forward to continuing doing this.  even tho i've only gotten the first 5 yrs. of my life relatively settled now, there has been so much change that had been needed in my mind.  as armee said, neuroplasticity seems to be set into gear giving me a new image in my mind of various scenarios which either had been non-existent or neglectful.

i'm also discovering and acknowledging just how very sensitive i am, physically, mentally, and emotionally.  i'm quite sure i've been this way all my life, which had never been acknowledged or seen, let alone accommodated.  pretty amazing to think about it now, but holy moley, how much it affects (and affected) my life when i'm not looking.  suddenly i might realize it and it kind of startles me.  whew.

[paul72]

just wanting to send a supportive hug your way as you work through this 
I'm intrigued by your running off to Mexico.. my w and I are talking about this as maybe a 5-10 year plan. It sounds like it was the right move at the right time for you. What a cool story that would be.
For us, our kids are a little young to leave yet, but being NC with most others sure adds some flexibility otherwise
Anyway...I'm wishing your energy returns and for lots of goodness to come your way.

[Not Alone]

San, I'm sorry things have been so painful and scary. I care about you. 

[Bach]

 

[CactusFlower]

 

[Armee]

 

I agree, you are sensitive. In a good way. You are acutely sensitive and had to stuff it all in. Letting it out slowly even is painful and scary but i can't wait to know San when she is truly her true self all out in the open. You're a beautiful person, dear. Hugs of strength and hugs of tenderness.

[Papa Coco]

HI San,

Here's a hug for all you're going through right now. 

here's a hug from a fellow parent with an unhappy child. 

Here's a hug from a fellow writer who untangles my inner confusion by finding the truth through my writing. 

Here's a hug from a writer who doesn't enjoy the publishing process. 

Here's a hug from an HSP to an HSP. I wish I had a switch to turn it off once in a while for a break, but I don't. I expect you don't also. 

[Hope67]

Dear SanMagic,
When you wrote about fearing that you wouldn't have felt able to care for and raise a child by yourself, I was thinking - I think SanMagic is stronger than she gives herself credit for - because you raised your child without a supportive partner really - and that could in many ways be worse.  I have no experience of raising any children myself, and I admire the fact you've done so.  Anyway, I wanted to send you a hug of support and hope that those anxiety attacks leave you alone and that you have some peace and feel some nice moments in your day.   
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

phil, your well wishes were wonderful to read.  thank you so much.  the circumstances around running to mex. were not good in the least, tho.  i was running to preserve my life and sanity.  it had gotten to that point at the time and i didn't know anything else to do to save myself.  i'm glad it turned out well, tho. 

notalone, thanks so much for what you said.  it touched my heart.

bach and CF, those hugs were remarkable to see and know.  i appreciate both of you so much.

armee, as always, . . . thank you for your kind words.  as i think about what you said, you are knowing the true san every day i write here.  i may continue to change, but every version is now the truest i can be.  much more human than in the past, for sure.  much more of everything i'm now feeling.  sometimes it isn't pretty, but it's true.  thanks, also, for your support and those hugs!

PC, thank you for all those specific hugs.  you brought a smile to my face for all you can relate to in my life.  and, yeah, that HSP thing, while it's helpful at times, it's also very frustrating and brings on fear at other times.  ah well, we live w/ what we've got.

hi hope - someone else told me the same thing, about raising children w/o a supportive partner.  he did provide financial support, tho, and i was able to go back to school and earn my masters besides being able to be home w/ my kids.  that was a big part of what i needed from someone else.  at one time we were separated for 7 weeks (therapeutical) and my D's would visit him on the weekends.  they actually told him they thought i was going mental.  the stress and strain of being w/ them, raising them by myself, etc. was so awful for me.  i was losing it on a daily basis by the end.  i know how strong i am, but i also knew my limits.  hard to say, hard to know.  thank you for your support.

well, that sent me down a hole.  triggers about my ex and my D1 came up while i finished writing my response to hope.  shaking it off now,.  this is part of my continuing struggle right now.  they're triggered by so much of anything - i can't get away from them.  not anyone's fault - i don't realize myself what might or might not be a trigger for them.

i've been quite anxious of late, especially after my D goes to her room for the night.  this had gotten better for a while, but it's come back.  i hope this just has to do w/ the holidays and it'll pass after they're done.  i'm also living w/ more fear now, and that is simply awful.  as i've said before, i don't know how people have lived like this, feeling this.  to me, it's the worst.  trust the magic has been one of my favorite sayings, but i rarely remember it nowadays.  and it's something i so need to do.

just writing this i can feel the anxiety creeping up thru my body, tension seeping into my muscles and joints.  it seems the more tools i get to cope w/ this stuff, the more i forget.  ugh!!!

[Armee]

 

It's a rough time of year. I have faith the anxiety and fear will settle a bit.

[CactusFlower]

I agree, this time of year can pile on extra stress. Handing you your favorite warming beverage and a blanket. Gentle hugs if you want them and wishing you peace. 

[sanmagic7]

hi, armee, thanks for the support.  much appreciated.

CF, your offers of comfort are always welcome.  thank you.

during therapy this morning i decided to focus on my NN, hoping to distract myself from the intrusive thoughts with which i'm struggling.  it went well.  i was able to put my mother in a kind, caring role about my doll (which she'd spirited away w/o my knowing).  i allowed her to have her concerns but had her ask me if it was all right if she threw it away cuz she thought it was gross.  at this point i was able to stand up for myself and tell her 'no!'  when she asked why not, i told her that doll helped me fall asleep every night.

then she said 'i didn't know it was that important to you', which gave me a feeling of having some weight as a person, not just a child to be run over (metaphorically) because of adult perspectives.  it felt very good, very solid (which speaks to my floatiness as an adult) and as if i was heard and respected for my own perspective, even at 5 yrs. old.  she came up w/ a plan to wrap the doll in a clean cloth  every morning so she wouldn't have to see its much utilized arms and legs.

as i watched myself wrap that doll up every morning and place it next to my pillow to wait for me till that night, i had a feeling of happiness and pride wash over me.  those are 2 pretty new feelings, certainly neither of which i remember as a kid.  well, happiness escaped me my entire life, and pride in my accomplishments was pretty much absent as well, no matter how much others remarked on things i'd accomplished.  as an adult i did what i did mostly because that's what would be expected of me.

those expectations truly ran my life.  i've accomplished a lot, but i couldn't ever feel proud of myself for most of it.  it was just what had to be done, so i did it.  my one thing i am proud of myself for is getting published in a professional journal.  it had been a dream of mine ever since i became a therapist.  it was something i'd dreamed of so it didn't fall under the 'expectation' umbrella held by someone else.  very different in my mind.

anyway, this new scenario i can now picture clearly - i can see my mom sitting at the side of my bed talking to me, being sympathetic to my reasoning for keeping that doll, and being affectionate at the same time.  so very different than sneaking it away while i was at school and never talking to me about it.  plus, i'd already learned not to ask questions, so i couldn't go to her wondering where my doll had gone.  hence, the beginning of making up stories to be able to stay sane. 

the other scenario had to do w/ dressing up in some of my dad's clothes, and him giving me a nickname based on a cartoon boy in a comic strip.  i remember several pictures he took of me dressed like that - he must've been so very pleased.  i don't remember either my bro or sis having a similar experience w/ being photographed 4-5 times for something they'd done.  in my NN, i had him laugh at how i looked, but affectionately, telling me i was being so silly and laughing, which made me laugh, too.

then, instead of laying that nickname (and subsequently denying my being a girl) on me, he told me that he was laughing because dressed like that he was reminded of a comic strip character and it was just a fun thing, but he knew i was his sweet little girl inside all those clothes.  i saw him pick me up and twirl me around, both of us laughing and enjoying the humor of it.  again, so different.   and i was able to be confident in my being a girl, something i haven't felt most of my life, either.  again, what a difference.

so, now i've finished 5 yrs. old and the memories i can remember which had a big impact (neg.) on my life.  it was a big deal that i could say 'no' to my mom, and that i could have my femininity reinforced by my dad.  like i was accepted by him for who i was no matter how i'd dressed up. 

gonna take a little break now, let all this settle.  when i first was ready to begin this today, i felt like i was on the edge of a precipice, ready to step off.  the experience of re-writing these 2 incidents seemed enormous.  thankfully, by stepping off, i took another step toward reclaiming my very own self. 

[Not Alone]

  for your brave and creative steps toward reclaiming your very own self.