Rainy Journal 2022

[Armee]

I'm sorry, Rainy. I see I misread your prior post. I apologize for not reading carefully. That you said you suspect being autistic is the missing link, not that you suspect you are autistic. Of course self diagnosis by someone as trained and self aware as you is valid. And I also did not catch the significance of what you wrote about how your colleagues and supervisors deal with autism in a dehumanizing way. Sorry I sometimes read and respond too fast.

[CactusFlower]

Hugs, rainy. That's a lot of things to deal with all at once. I can see how it could build up to overwhelming. Wish I could help more, of course, but I am definitely here to hear you and offer hugs.

[sanmagic7]

rainy, it makes sense to me that you would be questioning being employed by schools.  i'm deeply sorry for all your struggles in those educational systems.  one day at a time, ok? 

as far as your H and his family, please keep doing what is necessary and right for you to maintain your distance.  unfortunately, too many other people do not realize the importance of boundaries or respect.  you do, however, and i can totally see how it's difficult to deal w/ those who don't.  been there what seems to be a million times, and it sucked each time.  hang tough, ok?  hangin' right beside you.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Armee, no worries, I may have misread what you posted before.  I also meant to say before that the Autistic community accepts self diagnosis.  Self diagnosis isn't going to help with accommodations or support within official systems.  I appreciate your support.   
......
San, I appreciate your care.  I think the hardest part is schools have been like this for so long and I experience it differently now.  The way adults speak to kids pushes against the abused parts of me and it feels all too familiar.  I'm not sure if this is the way to make change especially when it leaves me so tired.  Today was relatively good. 

I appreciate your care about my H and in-laws.  That too has always been there and I experience it differently now.  I am done doing what makes my in-laws comfortable when they do all they can to pressure my husband into moving "home."  They don't accept me or our life.  Them aside, my H and I also have things to figure out too.
.........
I had a relatively calm day.  I worked with a few students I knew in the spring and it was lovely to see them and for their faces to light up when they saw me.

Noticing my shoulder less tense and that I'm not reacting emotionally the way I would have in the past.  I am still bothered by what I see and hear each day.  I am trying to double down on caring for myself. 

I am afraid and also encouraged that I think I am forming a real friendship with a colleague.  She has been very accepting of me.  Today she reached out to say she was having a hard day.  We made tentative plans to meet up next week. 

I hope to actually meet up with her.  My social life is extremely limited.  It is limited by choice and preference as well as by fear and distrust as well as unhealthy dynamics my husband and I have developed over the years.  I hope to take the step to live my life a bit.

My husband seems to be going through something but doesn't talk about it.  I may be reading into it.  His silence and lack of interest in communicating with me about meaningful things hurts.  I talk all the time yet realize after almost 12 years of marriage he is still a huge mystery to me.  He was really different when we lived in his hometown near his family.  I was too - I was willing to sacrifice my personhood to make him comfortable.  It is something that we live where we do. 

We both have changed and I think the question is if it will continue to be mutually beneficial and desirable for us to stay married.  I hate the feeling that when  something dreadful happens in his family, it will break us.  His sister having a baby and his brother's death in 2019 did break something.  The path we've been on since has been hard.

No one will be able to decide for me what is best.  I have to do.  Right now I am trying to be the real me and hoping each next step illuminates.

[Armee]

Right now I am trying to be the real me and hoping each next step illuminates.

This is such a beautiful goal. I'd like to borrow it as a guide for me,  too.

[rainydiary]

Armee, thank you.  I hope I can remember I said it in the coming weekend and months.
.......
Today was tough.

I don't have a lot of downtime on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.  It takes a huge toll.

I don't have time to process and it builds up.  Then I come home and feel terrible as I process.

I am also really triggered by working with classrooms with students who have more support needs.  My experiences with these types of rooms has not been great and I worry that people will expect things I won't deliver but they won't tell me. 

It is also hard to work with children who come to school with so much need.  Need that I can't do much about and it makes me so tired.  I care about them so much.

I need to keep finding ways to care myself. 

[sanmagic7]

please do take care of you, rainy.  it's the only way you'll be able to add even a smidgeon of care to the lives of those youngsters.  so very sorry for your struggles.  sending love and a hug filled w/ care and comfort

[Blueberry]

  rainy if they're helpful for you

[rainydiary]

Thank you San and BB 
.......
Today was a good day and yet as I get ready for sleep I am focusing on the low point of the day.

I for some reason chose to share with my parents my issue with getting my windshield replaced.  My dad asked me about it today and I said I am getting the run around (because I am).  His comment back was "Well welcome to adult life."

Uh.....I've been an adult for a long time and one could argue been carrying adult burdens before I should have because of his and my mom's "parenting."

I certainly don't know everything, but I am deeply upset at how frustrating and how long this process has taken.  The glass shop my dealership recommended has not responded to either a phone call, email, or voicemail.  I have plans to call around to more places next week, but this situation is so deeply distressing because there is no end in sight and I keep getting "Talk to someone else."

And would it hurt my dad to just not say garbage to me?  I know better than to share about difficulty with them.  It still hurts.

So as I feel this comment deeply in my body, I feel like garbage about work.  I feel judged by people and like what I do will never be right with the other adults.  There are a few interactions I had on Friday that have left me feeling so lousy.

I did find rest today and hope I can tomorrow. 

[sanmagic7]

i also hope you find the rest you need, rainy.  feeling like garbage is not fun, and i hate that your dad said something like that to you when all you needed was a little sympathy and/or support.  it's very frustrating to be given the runaround w/ things like car repairs.  i hope your week goes smoothly and you find some sense of calm knowing that what you do and the way you do it is helpful for the children under your care.  love and hugs

[Armee]

 

[rainydiary]

Thank you San - it is just a reminder of all the times my dad did that growing up too.  Each little dig hurts - I am more resistant to it now than I was before but it still sucks.  I wish I had parents that I could share a trouble with and receive support for but those aren't the parents I have.  I did rest but am feeling a lot of unease as I prepare for bed.  I appreciate your support.
.....
Armee, thank you for the care and support.
..........
Today had moments of rest and ease as well as moments of upset.

I am not looking forward to work.  I am finding myself in a defensive place.  I am back to feeling like I have to "prove" myself and my work.  It is too much.

I am also feeling overwhelmed because as I consider what to do "next" after this school year ends, I am drawing a blank.  I feel a ton of pressure to be impressive.  Really I just want to be able to make other people feel good even for a moment and to not have to do work that takes such a toll on me.

I have been trying to consider how I can encourage myself through the week.  A few things that have come to mind:

try to focus on my work and my role and consider what others might be thinking less - if they have something to say, they will say it to me

use pre-prepared materials I have with as many students as possible - I like to create my own materials or use the natural environment, but people often think this isn't enough - a worksheet will be "proof" of what we worked on and give me some space to process

I think those two things will be enough to get me started.  One day at a time.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I am impressed by your list of things that you've considered, and I found them to be encouraging to read.  I really hope that you are able to action them, and that they bring you some good outcomes.

Sending you a hug of support 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Thank you Hope - the list worked mostly on today.  We'll see over time.  I appreciate your support.
...........
I am feeling so tired today.  I find this time of year so difficult as it gets darker and colder.

Today was unexpectedly chill at work.  Some of the students on my schedule were absent.  I have a way of checking attendance before I go to classrooms - I often will still go to a class even if a student is marked absent but decided not to today. 

Some students I couldn't find - several teachers were out and they combined classes.  It is so effortful for me to get into classrooms - I don't have a key and they lock the doors, so I have to stand there and knock.  It is exhausting. 

A maintenance worker also opened up a space in the ceiling in my workspace - he was doing work and I'm sure didn't think about the fact that he was in a space where someone works with kids.  I didn't want to bring any kids in there while that was happening. 

So, I didn't see many kids today.  I always feel bad when stuff like this happens but I also can't control the chaos that each day of school seems to be. 

One teacher opened up a conversation with me about how my group went.  It caught me off guard - I don't do well with those kinds of conversations.  I'm not sure what she was wanting.  So I got anxious and kind of rambled.  I hope I can connect with her more - she has gone out of her way to be understanding of me. 

I did receive a phone call back from the auto glass place I called last week - I didn't have the energy to respond today so will call back tomorrow.  I hope they can help me.

[Blueberry]

 I really appreciate your posts, they resonate with me a lot. Sorry that your dad says such hurtful things. I wanted to write more to you rainy but find I just can't anymore tonight. so just sending support.